Welcome to Sweden (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Heu-Dee-heu-Dee- heu-Dee It's all I hear when you guys are talking back and forth.
It's just like, you remember the Swedish chef from "the muppet show"? It's like, I can't understand a word when you guys are talking.
What, um what were you guys talking about? A dying friend.
Seriously? Yeah.
We're not living in America but we're not sorry I knew there was something That we never had We don't worry no, we're not living in America But we're not sorry, no We don't care about the world today We're not sorry for ahh hi, I'm just telling a funny story.
It's about peo.
Peo.
What's a peo? - Peo.
Is a is a - Human.
Like, uh, that I'm married to.
Well, human yeah, kind of human.
No, but he is the type, he wants to do everything himself.
So he, uh Rented a You know the, like, when you do floors.
Like a Like a a sleep machine? Slipmaskin.
Slipmaskin.
And, ah and he did all floors.
Ugh, it's so much work, so he whoo like, went into the wall.
Yeah.
What what kind of wall was it? Oh, no, no! Not like a wall, like a No it's like a Wall of stress, so they had to They sick-written him He got burned out.
Yeah.
Oh Of course.
Yeah, he got burned out.
So that was funny.
Why was it funny if he if he got sick? That's not funny, of course.
No, funny is that he did floors and he had clothes that didn't fit For for doing floors.
Uh so maybe it's not funny to you because you don't know peo.
Okay.
Ja Are are those American pants? Hey, what's wrong with my pants? Nothing is wrong with them, they're just very American.
I mean, I think your friends don't like me, that's all.
It's not you, it's your language, okay? What's wrong with my language? Nothing is wrong with it, it's just not Swedish.
They're not used to speaking English all the time.
You know who would never make fun of my pants, is Hassan.
Let me guess, Hassan, yeah.
Yes.
Okay, you know what? I don't think a 50-year-old Iraqi guy should be your style icon.
Well, I'm just saying he accepts me for who I am.
Did you tell him you're not Canadian? He accepts me for who he thinks I am.
Mm-hm.
You know You know, Hassan, I was thinking the other day, you know What if everybody just liked each other? You know, got along, there would be no No wars or anything like that.
I like that.
Good, I was hoping you'd say that.
Because, what if, like, for example, you had an American friend? No.
I'm just I'm just pretending, so I don't want to pretend that.
Hassan, I'm talking about, like, an imaginary world here.
It is too many worlds now.
It's just two worlds, Hassan.
There's the real world, where we're living now where you would never have an American friend.
Yeah.
You like that.
And then there's this second world, an imaginary world that I'm talking about now, where, like, let's say you had a Really nice American friend.
No.
Say it was someone like me, say Say I was your American friend.
Then I would have to kill you.
Sorry.
Okay, do you want to play some video games, or? Yes! Huh! What's that? Ahh how did that get here? I I'm Let us burn it.
Burn it? No, that's That sounds a little extreme, we should just, uh Yeah.
Put it somewhere You have right, I will throw it out.
I I wouldn't That Run, run Shoot him, shoot him! Honey, I'm ho-ome! Follow me, Bruce! Quick! Quick! Hey, how do you know where to go? I used to live there.
Cool.
Hej! Hey babe! Hi Emma! Hej.
Are you done studying Swedish? Yeah, we're done.
Get down, get down.
Go Jump! Kill him, shoot him, shoot him in the face, in the face! Hassan, you're a terrible shot.
Sexy pajama robot dance.
Everybody loves the robot dance.
Here comes the sexy part, pajama robot Why aren't you laughing at this? This is you usually love this.
You're doing everything you can to fit in here, right? Have you been talking to your mother again? Yeah.
Why do you do that to yourself? She's the only one I have left, you know? My friends, they don't want to hang out with me anymore.
What are you talking about? Nothing.
It's just stupid.
What? Lisa is having a party.
And we're not invited? No.
Because of me? It's not you, babe.
It's them.
You know, Lisa gets nervous speaking English and I'm sorry, I'm You know I'm doing everything to fit in here, right? I know you do and I love you so much for it.
I don't know, maybe your mother's right.
It's like I'm just trying to be someone totally new here.
You know, it's like Back in the U.
S.
"bru-u-u-uce!" You know? And here it's like, "Bruce.
" But I love bru-u-u-uce! But I also love Bruce.
You know? Hmm.
You don't have to change a thing.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.
No, I'm happy you brought it up because now it's like It's affecting your friends and stuff.
It's You know what? Wait here.
Yeah, I wasn't planning to go anywhere.
Boom.
Yes, that's my phone.
Throw me your laptop, I'm going to fix this.
Boom, consider us invited.
Now give me my phone back.
No, are you kidding? I'm on a roll here.
I'm going to call your mother and I'm going to charm her pants off.
Mmm Oh! Mmm! Uh, so the reason I wanted to treat you to this is because it feels like we've gotten off on the wrong foot.
Yeah.
That's too much! I'm sorry, I just get really ticklish.
So how is everything? Good.
What's your plan for my daughter? I'm sorry! So, how are the tomato plants coming at the summer house? How long are you planning to stay in Sweden? As long as it takes, I guess, I mean Can you promise me never to cause my daughter any pain, mental or physical, for as long as you both live? Whoa, man, you really came ready with these questions.
Uh pffft I don't know, it's It's impossible to promise something like that.
But I can promise you one thing: I'll, uh Tell her I love her every chance I get.
And I will love her more than anyone has ever loved anyone else in the history of people loving other people, so That's two things.
What? You promised me two things.
But otherwise, that was a surprisingly good answer.
Ow.
Ow! Ow.
Thank you.
Five thousand? Mm-hm.
Are you joking, or? You know what, you can take off the foot thing 'cause I didn't enjoy that at all, so With the "foot thing" you mean the The massage or the "kicking our staff in the face" thing? You know what, I'm I'm sorry about that, by the way.
No, I'm talking about the massage, 'cause I don't like people touching my feet.
So, just take that off and then we'll Okay, well Maybe you shouldn't have chosen a foot massage then, in the first place.
Maybe you should be a little bit Is there a problem? No.
No problem, right? Well, if you don't want to pay it's Kind of a problem.
I didn't say I didn't want to pay.
Yes, you did.
I just said I wanted this thing off.
Because, I don't know if you don't remember the foot thing? No, no, I didn't No, I can pay! This No I can pay, I'm just We had a philosophical difference over The foot thing.
Drinks? We didn't have any drinks.
Come.
This is not what I wanted at all.
Now she probably thinks I can't even support you.
Well, you can't.
All that she wants is another baby she's gone tomorrow Why are we listening to this? Well, if you're going to live here, you got to get into stuff like this.
Like Ace of base? Like Ace of base.
You know they had the most successful debut album ever? But in Sweden? Anywhere.
There's no way that's possible.
More than U2? Yeah.
More than the Beatles? Look it up if you don't believe me.
I will look it up, although you seem pretty confident about it.
Since when are you such a big Ace of base fan? I'm not a fan.
I'm just being a proud Swede, you know.
If someone Swedish is successful abroad, you need to be proud.
Take ola rapace, for instance.
Ola ra-what? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
For you, he's a nobody.
He was an extra in a crappy James Bond movie and he died in the first scene.
But for us, he's James Bond-ola.
Hmm? So this dude and Ace of base are national treasures? Yes, sadly they are.
That is sad.
Are you ready? Yeah, let's mingle, Swedish style.
H-how do you mean, Swedish style? You have a pink sweater around your neck.
That's so weird.
So you having a good time? Yes, great time.
Best.
Okay.
So how do you like Sweden so far? Love it, love everything about it.
Women, right? Yeah, what about them? Ah, they're just so, like Ahh! You know? And, what about that James Bond-ola-guy? I bet you James Bond-Ulla? Yeah.
Who is she? She? Actually, no, I thought it was a guy but So do you like Ace of base, or? No.
So you having a good time? Yeah, you, uh You already asked me that a few seconds ago, so Still yes.
You know what, here's a good story.
I heard the other day about this guy who was renovating his floors, huh! And he got, like, so burned out that he went into the wall, as you swedes call it.
You know, it's like, what an idiot! That that was me.
Peo! Why didn't you tell me to take my shoes off? Because you're not a child.
I thought you knew, okay? Well, obviously I didn't.
No.
Isn't that the whole point of floors, is to be walked on? I mean, who takes off their shoes at a dinner party? Uh, every single Swede.
You know who would never make me take off my shoes? Hmm, Hassan? Yes, Hassan, because he's my only true friend.
Okay.
You know what, I have to tell him the truth.
I'm going to do it tomorrow in person.
Or you can just give him a call, you know.
You can't just call someone up and tell them you're not Canadian.
It's Why not? You wouldn't get it, 'cause you're Swedish.
Okay.
Plus he doesn't have a phone.
So, that's another reason.
That's a good reason.
Oh, hey, little guy.
Hey, is your daddy home? Pappa, pappa Huh! So cute Hello, Bruce! Hej Hassan! Uh, listen, I came here to tell you something.
Okay.
You're a good person, a great friend, and, um, I just have to be honest with you, okay, even if it means that you don't want to be friends with me anymore.
I agree with you, Bruce.
I don't think that We should be friend anymore.
No, no, I think you're misunderstanding me.
I was Come on, Bruce.
We have nothing in common.
Honestly, I think you keeping me from finding a real Swedish friend in my age.
Wait, are you breaking up with me right now? Hey, take it like a man, take it like a Canadian.
Well, you know what? I'm not I'm not Canadian.
Okay? I'm an American.
You hear that, Hassan? Did you hear that? I'm an American! Hej hej! And he's like, "I don't want to be friends anymore," and he's like, "we have nothing in common," and I was like, "hey, that's my line" you know? I've been saying that for, like Saying that to you and to everybody else for the longest time.
Yeah He can you believe, he broke up with me.
That's what really gets me.
It's like, that's supposed to be the Your mother added me as a friend! She did? I got a friend-request from your mother! I did it! I told you I could do it.
It's pretty sad that you're so happy No, it's unbelievable! Unbelievable, I did it! Oh, who's that? Mom, it's 1:00 in the morning.
Oh, should we call back in an hour? Then it will only be 2:00 in the morning.
Listen, we have incredibly exciting news.
How is Emma? She's good.
She's a fantastic girl, honey.
You make sure you treat her right, she's very sweet.
The news, mom.
What? You said you had news.
Yeah, I do have news, very exciting news, I'm going to tell you in a second.
But your aunt Marie asked me if Just give me the phone.
Bruce, it's your father.
Your mom's a little out of it.
Yeah, for like, the last 10 years.
Yeah well, what she was trying to tell you, son, is that we're coming for a visit.
We booked a cruise! We're coming to Sweden! What? That's great news, isn't it? Well, it is It is news.