Wellmania (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

1
It's the end of an era.
Those 25 years just flew by.
And now, well, I almost don't wanna leave.
Olivia.
It wasn't like work, it was
It was everything.
Everything.
But, hey, this is a celebration.
- Yay.
- Yes.
It's a celebration of you.
You can sit down.
So isn't time funny?
You know, one day, you start
your new job as a medical receptionist,
and then the next,
all your plans fall apart.
Your career is
Your career is cut short
This has got pockets.
- Anyway
- And it doesn't matter.
You know,
you can have your colon cleansed,
or you can do
450,000 fucking steps per day,
or you can bare your vulva
to your therapist,
and none of it matters.
Because the only thing
that we can guarantee in life
Death. Right?
Oh, but happy retirement, Mum.
- Oh.
- Olivia, that was awful.
- Oh. You're welcome.
- Sit down, you psycho.
- You sit down.
- Oh, I am sitting down
- To Lorraine.
- Hear, hear. To Lorraine.
To Lorraine.
- Cheers.
- Fuck off.
To health.
You can call me the good-time girl ♪
- Can I have one more, please?
- Sure.
Lorraine tells me
you're getting married.
How are the preparations going?
Uh, I've had shingles twice,
so, well, I think, yeah.
And who's the lucky lady?
That'd be me.
A man, because we're homosexuals.
So are my favorite patients.
They always have
the most fascinating sexual injuries.
I had a patient present himself
after inserting a very
Hold that thought.
Forever.
Hey, we should go soon.
We've got the caterers tomorrow.
Oh, um, I I can't.
I have back-to-back clients.
Gaz is always so forgetful.
We actually first met when he was applying
for one of my rentals.
You should have seen the application.
It was Half of it blank.
But I'm corrupt, and he had a cute butt,
so I approved him anyway.
Hmm. Whoop-de-fucking-do.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are we boring you?
No, it's a very sweet story.
Oh, fuck. Excuse me.
Jesus.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, Livvie, why do you do it to yourself?
You were making such good progress.
You can't have two perfect children.
That's just greedy.
Look, I know things might be
a bit messy at the moment,
but if you keep yourself healthy,
it can only help.
Oh, Livvie.
Oh, who the fuck is that?
Valerie, hi. Hello. Hi.
Liv, we need to talk.
Yeah.
- You're still pissed at me, aren't you?
- Furious.
Here, take that. Go away. Go.
What?
So I read your Camille piece.
Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.
That was a fucking disaster.
That was the best decision of your life.
Wait, what?
Everyone is talking
about your article, about you.
About how funny you are,
how gutsy, how real you are.
- You did it, Liv.
- Oh.
Really? Oh, that's great.
Any doubts the producers had are gone.
In fact, they're now acting
like it was their idea
to have you
as their third judge on the show.
Can you get here Tuesday?
Like "Tuesday" Tuesday?
Yeah. Okay, so I've gotta
get you across the creative brief,
and I'll email you a packet.
I want you to become one with it
before the meeting.
Um
Is it okay if I, uh, like,
dial in from Australia for that one?
Why are you still there?
Get your ass back here fast.
I've just got some shit
that I gotta tie up with my family,
but I will absolutely be there
for the launch, I promise.
What the fuck?
- Ah! I got pee on my loafer.
- I'm sorry. I just I can't wait.
- I have to get back to New York.
- This is the men's.
But isn't gender an outdated
binary concept, Chad? Come on.
- You were waiting here how long?
- Well, long enough.
I'll tell ya, I saw some things
and heard some And smelled some shit.
- Anyway
- I'm calling security.
No, wait. Chad, all I need is for you
to assign me another doctor.
- I can't go back to Dr. Singh.
- Why not?
Because
she accidentally got hit in the face
by my head.
- Okay, now I'm really calling security.
- No.
Hey, listen, Chad,
I have been given
a career-defining opportunity,
a once-in-a-lifetime job,
and I'm so close.
Why should I care?
Remember when you were a kid? Yeah?
And you had dreams
of being this big, powerful,
uh, consulate dude?
Actually, I
I always dreamed of being a pro wrestler.
Frankie Flay Your Face.
I had a theme song.
Frankie Flay Your Face
Frankie Flay Your Face ♪
Get out of my face and my place
I'm Frankie Flay Your Face ♪
Yeah.
And you can totally still do that.
And if I could help you
to get your dream job,
I would move heaven and earth
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- I'm I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
Chad
You understand the importance of dreams,
and my dream is in the palm of your hand,
so please just give me another doctor.
This isn't what it looks like.
No, it's It's worse.
- Call security.
- What?
Let's talk about it
Oh, let's talk about it ♪
I think the sizes are getting smaller.
- Do we have to go?
- Yeah, it's Gaz's wedding, not Liv's.
I'm still friends with Gaz.
- Isn't my old suit fine?
- No, your old suit is foul.
Hey, why don't you try this?
Really?
You used to wear cool stuff
when we first met.
Used to do
a lot of stuff when we first met.
Oh.
Oh! Okay. Now?
- Do you come here often?
- What?
Can I buy you a drink?
You look like a martini lady.
- What What are we doing?
- Pretending we just met.
Um, in a change room?
That doesn't even make sense.
- What is that accent?
- It's Colin Firth.
- You sound like a chimney sweeper.
- Don't overthink it.
Oh, my hair.
- Oh, sorry. Okay.
- It's okay. It's okay. Get this off.
- No, I've got an old bra on, it's gross.
- I don't mind.
- Okay.
- Okay, spin around.
- What are these
- Hang on
- Oh, you take your pants off.
- Okay.
- Let's both take our pants off.
- Oh, yeah.
- Spin around.
- Okay.
Oh, all right.
Oh, my God.
This is gross.
Sorry, we weren't thinking.
Look, what you do in your own home
is your business.
Now, I don't wanna yuck your yum,
but here, it's an OH&S issue.
Look, I get it, okay? I'm a builder.
Oh, okay. And what if I came
to your worksite and had sex, bro?
Uh.
Can we go?
No, bro. Public indecency.
It's an offense. Police are on their way.
Yeehaw!
Yeehaw!
Come on, girl. Woo! Woo!
Do-si-do.
Howdy, partner.
- What the hell?
- God, this is harder than I thought.
Okay, back off,
or I'll take out a restraining order.
All right, okay.
I just wanna say that I'm sorry, okay?
Really, I really am. I wanna apologize
for this whole situation.
How do you even know that I do this?
Well, I used
my amazing journalistic ability,
and also stalked your Instagram.
- Cute cats, by the way.
- Oh, my God.
Hey, uh, I'm just gonna need you
to sign off on my medical,
and then we never have to
see each other ever again.
- Get somebody else to do it.
- Well, I can't.
Chad won't assign me anyone else.
Oh, I see, you keep going that way,
I keep going that way.
Please just sign it. You know it's just
bureaucratic box-ticking.
Just stop it.
You are one of the most self-obsessed
and entitled people
I have ever encountered.
You're a selfish child.
So you won't sign off on my medical?
Do-si-do the fuck away from me.
Here we go right out the door.
All the way
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, um
- Shall we?
- Yes.
Yeah.
Um, cappuccino, please.
Um, could I
Could I just do the avocado and eggs,
but no toast, please?
- Cool. Thanks.
- All right.
No carbs before D-Day.
Look hot, feel miserable.
Classic Sydney marriage.
Uh. Hey, I'm kidding.
Oh.
I'm happy for you. Albert looks sweet.
Is that his name, Albert?
It It's like Albert, but with a D.
- Alberd?
- No, uh, like
- Aldert? Alderd?
- Dal Dalbert.
- Dalbert.
- Alderd? Al
- No, like Dalbert.
- Okay, I feel like I'm having a stroke.
Maybe you are.
It's Dalbert. Just
- Cool.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh, shit.
- No.
- Sorry.
- Don't worry about it.
I, uh I'm glad you reached out.
I wasn't sure if you wanted
to hear from me when I heard the news.
I, uh
I wouldn't blame you
if, after everything, you hated my guts.
Oh, I totally did.
But I'm I'm fine now.
We're We're fine.
I'm sorry.
You deserve better,
and I am glad
that you found that with Dalbert.
So, uh, marriage.
You must be excited,
because you were dying to tie the knot
even before we started dating.
Oh, well, yeah,
but, you know, to to the right person.
I mean, Dalbert and I, we're
It's the next logical step.
You gotta commit, right?
I don't know.
You're the one getting married.
You tell me.
Yeah.
They were How do I put it?
In the change room
Isn't this what you wanted?
Getting busted in the change room?
Sorry, Mum,
you'll have to mind Archie a bit longer.
No, the sex part.
Oh, so I should be grateful
for the one time in how many months
you've initiated sex?
Sorry it's such a chore.
No, Mum, Archie doesn't eat meat anymore.
What's that supposed to mean?
I've seen you jerking off.
No, not you, Mum.
We can hear you.
Just tell Archie it's tofu.
We'll be home as soon as we can.
- What's with you?
- I'll tell you what's with me.
Your best friend told the whole world
you couldn't get mounted in a demountable.
- I never wanna hear that phrase again.
- Same.
But it's very memorable.
So you've read it?
I've read it.
The guys at work have read it.
Everyone knows
I'm shit at pleasing my wife in bed.
Okay, not everyone's read it.
That essay in The Standard? I've read it.
Great piece.
Oh, yeah, I've read it too.
Oh, my God, you're the best friend,
which makes you
Yikes.
That's why you're trying to get
poom-poom in the change room.
Okay, so, what happens now?
- We hope you've learned a lesson.
- We certainly have.
Good,
because we're gonna fine you $1000.
And you'll have to do community service.
as his children came down,
and he told them,
"The answer is here."
"Christ is the answer."
No, thank you. I need sensible solutions.
You've come to the right place.
What do you wanna ask today?
Well, I need to get out of this country,
so if there's a ghost, or a spirit,
or some sort of Viking
that could help, that'd be great.
Let's ask the animal spirits.
Firstly,
the oyster.
Secret keeper.
You're hiding your inner treasures.
Yeah, I am very sexual.
Secondly, the swan.
Elegant power, endless energy,
envy of many, enemy to few.
Oh, God, that's so accurate. Thank you.
Lastly,
the buffalo.
Grounded, practical,
ready to weather a storm.
What does that mean?
Your reading is clear.
Grounded, graceful, content.
You're exactly where you need to be.
What?
No. No What, is that it?
Yep.
I just gave you $200.
The animal spirits have spoken.
Plus, I need to take my kid to therapy.
I need you to have
another look or something.
Like, is there something there about,
I don't know, a plane ride or New York?
Or forging fucking US documents?
I came to you for help. I need guidance.
You need this more than I do.
What is it?
It's tea with a microdose of LSD in it.
No, I'm not here to party with you, lady.
No, it helps with anxiety.
It's great for mental clarity
and problem solving.
I've been taking it for a while,
and it's
More, please.
Uh, it's microdosing.
You don't need any more.
You said it helps
with problem solving, yeah?
Yeah, well, I got 99 problems,
and LSD ain't one of them.
Fill it up.
Daydream ♪
I fell asleep beneath the flowers ♪
For a couple of hours ♪
On a beautiful day ♪
Daydream ♪
I dream of you amid the flowers ♪
For a couple of hours ♪
Such a beautiful day ♪
Olivia?
Olivia, Olivia.
Olivia?
Olivia, Olivia.
Dr. Singh.
You're so close.
You're on the right path.
Oh, wow.
It's really hard to look at you.
Tell me what I need to do
to get back to America.
It's so easy.
The answer has been staring you
in the face the entire time.
All you have to do is
What?
Oh, no, no, wait. Wait, no, come back
Oh, God.
Oh, Evie.
- Liv, are you there? Liv?
- Hey.
- Liv.
- Hey, honey.
- I need your help, Liv.
- Okay, take deep breaths.
Something's happened.
Oh, honey, I can't understand a word
you're saying, you're crying so much.
- Where are you?
- I'm at Luna Park, Liv.
You know what? You just
- Please come help me.
- Just stay there. All right?
I'm gonna call your mum, because now
really isn't a good time for me.
- No, you can't call Mum.
- All right, I won't call your mum.
I'll call you when I'm on my way. Okay.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, I'm gonna need some help.
Okay, but me eating your toast
never happened.
- God, I miss bread.
- Oh, I could tell.
- Yeah?
- I'm glad we did this.
I want us to be friends.
Yeah, I want us to be friends too.
Yeah.
- Bye, Gaz.
- Mm, bye, Seb.
Shit.
Daydream ♪
I fell asleep beneath the flowers ♪
For a couple of hours ♪
Evie, we're here. Where are you?
I don't know where that is.
Evie?
Oh, wow.
Fuck.
Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
I think her phone's dead.
Oop.
Uh, Evie. What does she look like?
Yes.
She has a face,
and sometimes her hair is up,
but sometimes it is down,
and she radiates
this maturity beyond her years,
but, like, not in a precocious way.
She has this sense of self
that's just so magnificent
and so powerful.
And sometimes she wears a watch.
Great.
- Wanna show me your phone?
- Yeah.
- There That's her.
- Great. Good to know.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Shall we?
- Yes.
Okay.
Okay, she said she's at the mirror hall.
Well, we are here.
Is that moving for you?
I'm gonna go to the ticket desk
and see if anyone's seen her. Okay?
- Yeah. Oh.
- Oh, jeez.
Evie?
Oh, my God.
Evie?
Evie?
- Whoa.
- How embarrassing.
What are you still doing there, Liv?
I need someone reliable.
You still want this job or not?
Valerie, look,
I'm doing the best I can, okay?
I really am, but I need to find Evie.
- You ruin everything.
- Well, that's not true.
You can barely get your shit together to
stay in town for your brother's wedding.
- Hey, Dad?
- I
- Evie?
- Dad?
Olivia, you're almost 40 years old,
and look at the state of you.
On acid in Luna Park.
Life isn't about endless suffering, Mum.
Amy knows what I'm talking about.
Do I?
Yes.
I'm the one looking for your daughter.
She trusts me more than she trusts you.
And yet you fucked that up too.
Liv?
Evie? I'm coming.
Oh, my God.
Amy.
Wait, where are you going?
Where are you going?
- Evie.
- Liv.
Oh, God.
Oh!
There you are.
- Evie?
- Evie, this is my friend, Isaac.
- Come on, let's get you home, shall we?
- Hmm.
Are you all right?
It's an issue when a couple can't remember
the last time they've had sex.
Okay, it doesn't help calling it an issue.
Well, the kids are out,
the house is empty.
We should be
fucking our brains out right now.
What's happening with us?
- Are you seeing someone else?
- Jesus.
When would I even have the time?
So are you bored? Depressed?
- Amy.
- Are you even attracted to me anymore?
God, yes, of course I am. Look at you.
I'm attracted to you too.
So, what's happening?
Will you stop being a journalist
for one second?
Maybe Liv's take on us was right.
Maybe our best days are behind us.
- I feel that every day.
- Are you serious?
Well, not our best days,
but my best days, yeah.
What are you talking about?
I'm going bald.
- No, you're not.
- Yeah. Yeah, I am.
Yeah, I'm bald on both sides of my family.
Yeah, and this used to be here.
I feel fucking old and gross.
- Doug, how long have you been feeling
- You got your scoop.
Can we drop it, please?
I find new gray hairs every morning.
No, you don't. I've never seen one.
Because I pluck them out.
I plucked out 12 today.
One from downstairs.
Hey, look, we're getting older,
okay, together.
It's not the end of the world.
You're still very sexy.
In fact, I think
you'd be even sexier without hair.
Oh, come on, you're just saying that.
Who's my hall pass?
Stanley Tucci.
I could sit on that man's face
while he makes me a negroni.
Why the fuck have I been getting around
with this stupid head of hair
for so many years?
I have no idea.
How's it look?
Take a look yourself.
You got a mustache.
Hmm?
Lucky my hall pass is Frida Kahlo.
- Oh, you're into it, are you?
- Mmm.
What if I am?
I'm listening.
What if I am into hot ladies
with thick, scratchy mustaches?
Well, it'll save
on hormone replacement therapy
when I hit menopause.
Ooh, hey, hey, hey, I've got an idea.
What?
Why stop at the scalp?
You kinky fuck.
Hey, we're here.
Want me to walk in with you?
I don't wanna go in yet.
Can we just wait a bit?
Come on, darling.
Talk to me. What happened?
They just left me there.
They thought it was hilarious.
By the time I got out, everyone had left.
It's like the whole day out
was set up to play that prank on me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You did the right thing by calling me.
I knew you would understand.
Okay, well,
I'll take that as a compliment.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I know it's hard now,
but it will get better, I promise.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, here, have this.
Listen, let me tell you a story.
At my school,
there was this girl,
little bit of a weirdo.
Way too obsessed with the Tamagotchi.
Kind of like an outcast from day one.
She sounds like a loser.
That girl was me.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Okay, thank you very much.
Having a private conversation back here.
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
But you know what? She didn't give a shit.
And on the worst day of her life,
where she thought
the whole world had ended,
she made friends
with the other weird kid at school.
Also a loser?
- That kid was your mum.
- Definitely a loser then.
Hey, your mum isn't a loser, Evie.
She's a machine.
You know she takes down politicians?
She can't dance for shit,
I'll give you that,
but it's kind of one of the things
I love about her.
I met your mum
on the worst day of my life,
when I didn't think
I could ever breathe again.
But over the years, it just got better,
because I had her with me.
Yeah? These so-called friends,
they're not your people.
And I know that that's really hard
to understand now,
but it's good for you to know.
You will find your people.
You just gotta give it time.
Like you found Mum?
Yes.
You're so lucky to have each other.
How are you even friends?
You're so different.
Look, you know whatever happens,
you can call me, yeah?
No matter where I am in the world,
time zones, doesn't matter.
I'm just a phone call away, okay?
Okay.
All right, come on, let's get you inside.
- Evie. What are you doing
- I don't wanna talk about it.
What
Look, Ruby and her friends
invited Evie to Luna Park.
They thought it'd be hilarious
to ditch her and leave her there.
So teenagers are still cunts, the end.
Jesus. I
She's had a massive day,
but she'll be fine.
- Why didn't she call me?
- She didn't want you to stress.
Yeah, well, I'm stressed.
Exactly.
- Oh, okay, I'm gonna go. Isaac's waiting.
- Isaac, hey?
Sorry, is that a pube on your face?
Oh, it's, uh It's Doug's.
Good to see
at least you're getting mounted.
Hey, do you reckon if we met now,
we'd be friends?
- Yeah, got it.
- Liv. I
If you ask me one more question ♪
If you ask me one more ♪
I'm about to crash ♪
If you ask me one more question ♪
I'm about to crash ♪
- Hey, cutie, how was it?
- Hi.
What? With who?
Your day, your clients.
Oh, yeah.
Crazy. Yeah, um,
you don't even wanna know about it.
- Jeez, your brain must be fried, huh?
- Yeah.
- Come here.
- Yep.
Are you gonna lose control? ♪
Let it out and let it go ♪
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Hey, um
- I have to confess something.
- Okay.
Uh, this This might come as a surprise,
but I was on drugs today.
No.
Oh, you knew?
But I'm sorry
I dragged you into all of that.
That can't have been easy
for someone who's in recovery.
Trust me, I am not one to judge.
Turns out I can be
a little bit of a selfish prick.
Hmm. Well, the way I see it,
you rescued a young girl today.
Pretty selfless if you ask me.
Not exactly something a fuck-up would do.
- You read my article.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Um
I'd I'd really like to thank you
properly for helping me today.
Do you have time for ice cream?
Actually, I have a meeting.
It's my Dungeons & Dragons group.
Jesus, I'm kidding. Wow.
Oh, God.
Just the NA meetings.
But you know what?
You can owe me one.
Deal.
Can't you see ♪
We're not broken, we're not broken ♪
You're all I need ♪
We're not broken, we're not broken ♪
Stay with me ♪
We're not broken, we're not broken ♪
We're not broken ♪
- Grab your partner, do-si-do.
- Stop that.
I see you made an appointment for once.
But just so you know,
I have security on speed dial.
Okay, look, I fucked up,
but I'm an adult,
and I know that part of being an adult
is accountability and responsibility.
So I got you some things.
And I'm really sorry.
Oh, Blu-ray.
I told you it's a very good film.
Fine. I'll do your medical.
Oh, my God, really?
- On one condition.
- Yeah?
You pass a psych evaluation
with a consulate-approved
specialist first.
I'm not trying
to make things harder for you,
but I'm not gonna sign off
until I know you are mentally okay.
You think I'm unstable?
- You did physically assault a doctor.
- Unintentionally.
- Then proceeded to stalk her.
- Well, stalk is very strong language.
And accost an employee
of the US Consulate General
in the men's restroom.
Okay, so you've spoken to Chad.
Pass your psych test,
I'll approve your medical,
and we never have to see each other again.
What's this?
- Just thought you might like a cup of tea.
- Oh.
Oh, God.
Liv?
Yeah, I'm in here.
What are you doing in there?
I'm going through my dance costumes
like you asked me to.
Oh, my God.
How did my body ever get into that?
Can't even use that as a scrunchie.
Fuck.
Oh, ho.
Oh.
My green card?
What the fuck?
There's something
I want you to understand ♪
It don't matter what I am ♪
If I'm the princess in the west ♪
East Coast, the face of success ♪
Yeah, I made a few mistakes
Along the road ♪
But they led me to where I am
And now I'm here ♪
If I can do it, so can you ♪
Go ahead
And make those dreams come true ♪
And if I could do it all again ♪
Then I wouldn't change a single thing ♪
'Cause I love me, myself ♪
And I am like a bird
Super, super, super fly ♪
Accept life with no regrets ♪
Yeah, that's what I represent ♪
My life is my favorite show ♪
And I make it up as I go ♪
And sometimes I'm high, then I'm low ♪
But I can't stop loving it all ♪
You can't stop me from loving me ♪
Oh, no, no, no ♪