What About Brian (2006) s01e05 Episode Script

Previously in What About Brian: - I had fun last night.
- Yeah, I did, too.
We start with ovulation induction.
If this is the way it has to be, I don't want to have a baby at all.
Have you been thinking about the open marriage? Sure, I have.
- Dave.
- Suzanne.
What are you doing here? I was out doing errands.
Come in? I saw brian.
Where's he been all day? With me.
We had a hard time gettin' out of the house.
Brian, it's marjorie.
When I see you with someone like lisa B.
, It's hard not to wonder "what if?" Richard, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry we're late.
There was a hole.
That guy? Okay, no putting in the house, please.
Eh, eh, eh, eh.
Lethal weapon.
Hand it over.
Thank you.
Hey, maybe maria will take you and your sister miniature golfing today, huh? Yay! I love miniature golf.
Maria's coming today? Yeah, I got stuff to do.
- What kind of stuff? - Uh, I got a haircut at 11:00, uh, yoga, the cleaners.
Just, you know, stuff.
Yeah.
Girls can't come with you? Well, honey, I make these appointments on the weekends 'cause you usually watch the girls, but you're going golfing, so I just got the sitter.
Right.
Right.
What's up with you? You've been weird all morning.
Really? Noticeably weird? How would you rate my weirdness on a scale of one to ten, deena? Why are you taking your computer with you? 'Cause I have to show brian something.
Feet straight.
I can do it.
You just aim, and tap it.
Well, you just gotta learn to read the green.
You know, I'm a doctor.
I'm thinking golf is cliche.
Maybe tennis? Golf is never cliche.
Angelo, take off that hat.
I'm not playing golf with you in that hat.
At least I can take my hat off.
Your hair you're stuck with that.
Here, show her how to putt, bri.
I gotta get my clubs.
Oh, hey, do you and, uh, lisa wanna come over tonight? Oh, honey, I can't tonight.
I'm on call.
No, she's not.
She just doesn't like lisa.
Adam I am on call, and I don't dislike lisa.
I like her.
We all like her.
I know.
I heard your message last night.
There's dave.
- Nicole is coming by later.
- What for? Uh, she has some wedding ideas for you.
- Ciao, bella.
- Let's go.
Bye.
Lisa heard your message, too.
The "what if" didn't go over too well.
Oh, god.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
I keep trying to make things right, and then I just go and mess it up.
Marjorie, I like this girl.
I mean, she's at my apartment right now working on her clothes, waiting for me to get home, and for the first time ever, I-i wanna get home.
I want this to work, and I need you to help me make it work, okay? Okay.
Okay.
Bye, honey.
Bye.
Have fun.
Come on, nancy.
Can't you drive any faster? I don't think this thing goes any faster.
Tee time's at 10:00, and, uh, brian's gotta do his little girly stretch routine.
oh, you're goin' down.
Yeah, hey, dude, where are the breakfast burritos? Yeah, are there two beans and cheeses? Please learn how to say it correctly.
- I am.
- No, you're not.
Beans and cheeses.
- Dude, where's the bag? - He forgot them.
Don't joke about juanita's breakfast burritos.
You know I take this very seriously.
No beans and cheeses? It's bean and cheese.
That's what I said.
No, it isn't.
That time juanita moved her truck, we couldn't find her for months.
It was like losing a parent.
He doesn't have them.
How could you? That's your most important job.
Not having those burritos it's worse than being seen with angelo with that stupid hat.
It's my lucky hat.
Yeah, how lucky could it be? Dave forgot the burritos.
Enough with the burritos.
Life goes on without the burritos, okay? They're not even that good anyway.
They're filled with lard and egg product and juanita'special sauce.
I don't know what's in it.
Do you? Does anybody? Huh? Has anybody taken a good look at juanita? I mean, taken a real good look at her? What are you doing, dave? What's up, dude? I think deena's doing it.
Doing what? I think she's sleeping with another guy.
So I'm filming larissa's birthday party.
Happy, happy, happy.
Just watch.
Looks like a normal conversation, right? Okay, right there.
He pushes her.
What the hell's that? All right.
Watch this.
All right, now see, right there behind the glass.
You see that? They're fighting.
I don't know, guys.
Am I being paranoid here? What do you think? That is the worst dinosaur performance I've ever seen.
Angelo.
What? What? He's worried about deena fighting with this other guy.
Yeah, come on, it could be anything.
Yeah, not if you're having an open marriage.
You're having an open marriage? Yeah, we talked about it, okay? That's all.
It got us goin', but we never we know this guy, okay? His daughter is larissa's best friend.
Maybe that's what they were fighting about the girls.
Come on, bri.
They're 5.
In italy, people fight all the time.
Perfect strangers fight like this for a parking space.
In america, people don't get into it like that unless What? What? Whatever it is, just say it.
Unless there's somethin' sexual goin' on.
I mean, that's what you're thinkin', right, dave, that because of this fight, something sexual's going on? Thank you for supporting the los angeles county ranger girls.
That'll be $12.
Yeah, okay, no, thanks.
You're wrong, adam.
It's not sexual.
Sorry.
Do you fight with the cable guy like that, huh your boss? Nicole has been arguing a lot lately.
It's kind of scary.
Don't you want to support the los angeles county ranger girls? Here, I'll tell you what.
I am gonna give you let's see.
I've got $5, okay? You know when your daddy's in a bad mood and you have to stay away from him all day? Okay, that's what's going on here, all right? So just take the $5 and go.
Just go.
Just go now.
Marjorie and I fight like this sometimes, but it's only because we're so hot for each other.
You know? Nine times out of ten, we end up in the sack afterwards.
I mean, that's the best kind of sex anyway.
Not helping.
It's $12 for the wash.
We're trying to raise money to buy a motorized wheelchair for one of our members who has a spinal cord injury.
Not that guy.
I see that guy all the time when I'm dropping off the kids.
Jerk! Hi.
Hey.
Uh, larissa just she left her sweater over at the house.
I got it in my car.
I thought I would stop by.
Uh, dave's not home.
- You can't come to my house.
- I know.
I just I've been trying to call.
I want to apologize.
Can I just can I just come in? Just for a minute? But I thought you guys had agreed to this open marriage thing.
Well, we did.
It's just that dave and I said we wouldn't tell each other, but then to have you here in our home - it made me see - I know.
I brought you something.
Oh, richard.
Just just let me let me give it to you, and you can you can take it and throw it in the trash if you want.
It's it's nothing.
It's nothing.
It's me saying I'm sorry.
It's something.
They were selling 'em at school.
So if anybody asks you where you got it, you can just say that, you know, you donated money to a new gym or something.
I don't know.
It's a wish necklace, and you're and you're supposed to wear it until this little string breaks, and then when it breaks, your wish comes true.
Am I gonna see you again? Coming.
Hi.
Hi.
Brian's not here.
No, I know.
I came by to see you, actually.
Brian said that you'd be here working.
Uh, yeah.
Come on in.
Are these your clothes? These are these are really great.
Thanks.
Listen, the reason that I came by is I just wanted to tell you that I know what it's like to come into this this group that's really close-knit and be the new girlfriend.
I mean, that's how I was with adam, and I just I hope that we can be friends.
Well, sometimes it seems like you wanna be more than friends with brian.
Well, I don't.
You know, we're like brother and sister.
Yeah, uh, you know, I have a brother, and I never left him a message saying, "what if?" That was a mistake.
We're just friends.
I see.
Okay, well I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have come.
You know, come by the shop.
I'll give you a discount.
On the first tee Why'd we send angelo? He can barely speak english.
My friend is very sick, sir maybe they'll take pity on him.
Oh, come on, angelo.
Make this happen.
What's he gonna do, pretend they don't have clocks in italy? We missed our tee time.
He can say our plane was delayed.
Yeah, we flew in from rome to play on a public course in griffith park.
I'll go see what's up.
I can't believe this.
I know.
It's a disaster.
I'm not talking about our tee time.
I'm talking about my marriage.
Your open marriage.
Deena wasn't supposed to screw someone that we know.
Was that one of the rules? I don't know.
I don't remember.
How can you not remember? 'Cause she told me to find a girl to have sex with, and then I kinda stopped listening after that.
It's not gonna happen, guys.
I don't understand that.
No tee times for the rest of the day.
Damn it! What is wrong in america, huh? Why all these rules? We just want to play, and they stop us.
It's a game.
It's a game for relaxing! Okay.
That's okay.
We can fix this.
Where else can we play? There's a par 3 at rancho park.
Yeah, par 3 is like having sex with the ugly girl because she's the only one there.
I don't wanna play golf.
- You don't wanna play? - No, I told you.
Come on, dave.
I don't wanna play.
What do you wanna do? Okay, she did say that her haircut was at 11:00.
She didn't say anything about going to a market.
Don't you think that's a little odd? Dave, maybe she's buying gum.
- You're losin' it.
- What does she need gum for? - What, now she wants fresh breath? - Maybe she's buying rubbers.
What?! There goes golf.
He just killed it forever.
Hey, dumb-ass, this is his wife here.
Yeah, I call it like I see it.
What the hell is that? It's definitely not rubbers.
Bottle of champagne.
Yeah, maybe the rubbers in the bottom of the bag.
She's got such a nice tush.
"Tush"? Why didn't I ever tell her she's got a nice tush? - She's got a nice rack, too.
- Okay.
Let that be a lesson to you boys.
Don't forget to tell your wives they have nice asses.
I like nicole's boobs best.
They're so perky.
Please, I'm begging you.
Well, what can I say? Your sister has nice boobs.
Lisa B.
Has a great stomach so smooth with this little curve.
What? Just waiting for the "but," you know? "Lisa B.
Has a great stomach, but her hips are too wide.
Her legs are stubby.
Her nose has an enlarged pore.
" There is no "but.
" I think she has a great butt.
Except she drinks her cereal milk gulps it right down.
What is wrong with that, you know? It just doesn't go to waste.
It's warm with little bits floating in it.
You wanna drink milk? Get a nice, clean glass.
Do you think that deena wanted to have an open marriage or do you think she just wanted to have sex with that guy? 'Cause there's a big difference.
You know what I mean? One is a random adventure with no strings attached.
The other is "I wanna screw richard, the park guy.
" Dave, we have to call this off.
Why? Because whether you like it or not, she thinks you said okay to having an open marriage, and if you did, you made a big mistake.
So stop acting like a betrayed husband following her around.
Just talk to her tonight.
Ask her.
You think I made a big mistake? Obviously.
How about you? You think I made a mistake? Oh, if somebody touched marjorie, I'd kill him.
Oh, that's just great.
Well, I guess I'm the new karl kosgrove.
Well, who the hell is karl kosgrove? Karl kosgrove, bri married to jill kosgrove.
Jill had two affairs one with the peruvian gardner and one with her sister's boyfriend.
Then she slept with gary from the body shop.
The last I heard, he was living in reseda.
Brian reseda! Uh, dave, you're not gonna make this light here.
My god.
I gave permission to my wife to screw richard the park guy! hey, dave, dave, dave! Hey! What did you do, rob a wedding dress store? Sort of.
We shot courtney love's album cover the other day.
She wanted to look like the girl in the "white wedding" video.
Oh, try this on.
You'll look so hot.
Adam's mom would die.
I mean, she would literally She would literally stop breathing.
Well, that's what we're going for expiration of the mother-in-law.
Get naked.
Does she always drive like this? I don't know, angelo.
I've never tailed my wife before.
Guys, she's going right.
Where's she going? I know where she's going.
- Dave.
- Oh, great.
This must be their little secret love nest.
probably belongs to some friend who's out of town.
- Dave - jacuzzi, water bed.
I'm trying to tell you, this is my house.
Mystery solved.
- Let's play golf.
- Yes.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Why not? You know she's not having an affair with marjorie.
Let's all savor that image in our minds for a moment.
She lied to me.
She didn't say a word about going to marjorie's, okay? I'm not moving.
I've gotta get out of this van.
I'm starving.
Why don't you just go down the street to the burger joint? Your car's right there.
Can't I just go inside and make a sandwich? Yeah, that'd be great.
Why don't you just go in there and tell deena that we're outside having a stakeout, but we got a bad case of the munchies, and we decided to come in? If I turn my car on, aren't they gonna hear it? You're a car guy.
- Figure somethin' out.
- Yeah, car guy.
Come on, angelo.
All right.
- Don't let her see you.
- I know, I know.
On the count of three.
One, two, three.
My hat! Why are you staying here? 'Cause I'm worried about you.
- Push the car.
- You push the car.
You think it's true, then? I don't know, dude.
I hope not.
Take off the brake.
Take off the brake! Right, right, right.
Idiots.
Well, I can't stay long, but I brought some champagne.
Yay.
This looks way better on you than it did on courtney love.
Trust me.
Thanks.
Look at you.
You're gorgeous.
It's $7,000.
I don't care, though.
I could sell an organ.
Champagne, nic? No, better not.
My god.
Are you guys trying again? Well, not officially.
They're trying.
Not "we.
" Me.
I'm trying.
What do you mean? I'm doing ovulation induction.
I'm just not telling angelo.
I don't understand.
He keeps saying he wants to do things naturally or not at all, and I know him.
He's gonna regret this someday.
So I'm just helping nature along.
I love these places.
Nicole will never go to a burger joint with me.
Nitrates in the beef, grease in the arteries.
Spores in the ozone.
She tells you, too? She tells me everything.
So what do you think they put in the fish melt? She told me you don't wanna have kids.
Angelo, when you first got married and nicole was pregnant, you were so excited to become parents.
Yeah, we were excited.
Of course, we were excited, but we lost her.
We lost her.
I did not even know this little girl, and, uh already I loved her.
You can try again.
And fail? Or not.
Anything's possible.
Everyone needs to stop saying that.
It hurts nicole.
What if she gets pregnant and we lose another baby? How many times before we say "enough"? Everything is not possible.
You know, I don't wanna be sad about what I don't have.
I wanna be happy with what I do.
I have a wonderful wife, great friends, life is good.
Life is good.
One fish melt, please.
You have to be completely honest about everything, or there's no trust.
So you tell adam everything, even if you have fantasies about another guy? I don't have any fantasies.
Come on, marjorie.
Stop being such a goody two-shoes.
Yeah, who is goody two-shoes, anyway? Oh, I don't know, but I wanna kick her ass.
Okay.
Let's try another one of these on.
I call this one.
Oh, guys, I gotta go.
Why? You look so cute.
It reminds me of your wedding day.
You were so pretty and happy.
Oh, I think I'm stuck! Well, come on, help me.
I think it's caught on my necklace.
Okay.
Hey, be careful, please.
Don't break it, 'cause I just got it.
Okay, okay, okay.
Thank you.
Look.
That is so sweet.
Did dave give it to you? No, it's not from dave, actually.
Who's it from? No one.
Someone.
What? Spill it.
Um, all right.
Dave and I are kind of doing this thing.
What kind of thing? I don't know.
Uh, an experiment.
Kind of A open marriage you might call it.
An open marriage? Well, it's not a big deal.
- Are you kidding? - You guys have such a great thing.
Well, it's not about that, sweetie.
I need to sit down.
Have you slept with him? Yes.
Oh, my god.
Is that him? Yes.
Does dave know? No.
We're not telling.
I don't know what to say.
It isn't anything, you guys.
It's just sex.
He gave you a necklace.
So? So, you sleep with him, he give you presents.
You're having an affair.
You know what? You guys have no idea.
You just have no idea.
I mean, when you have been married for so long, and you think to yourself, am I gonna die without ever experiencing, you know, the euphoria of another man discovering me, and well, I just I think dave really feels the same way, too.
Do you want dave to find out? No, I don't.
'Cause it'll break his heart.
I mean, deena, you might think you can do thithing, but your marriage will never be the same.
I'm sorry, honey.
That's all there is to it.
You know what your problem is? It's this minivan.
Everything died when you got this minivan.
You'll change your tune, trust me.
As soon as you have kids, you'll want the 3-zone temperature control, the easy rollout seats, the video entertainment center with the fold-down screen, 6-cd/dvd changer and the wireless headphones.
Buddy, you're gonna want it all.
I will never get a minivan.
You know why? Why? Because the minivan is the end of sex.
Yeah, man.
It's the vehicle you take to the land of the never-ending dry spell.
You slide that heavy side door shut, and bam! Are we there yet? Oh, yeah, you're there.
Your penis is here, but you are definitely, definitely there.
Hey, jimmy.
Can I ask you somethin'? Yeah, shoot.
Why did you agree to this open marriage thing? Because I wanted to get laid.
I haven't had sex since carrie was born.
You know, I'm surprised carrie was born, because I don't remember having sex for two years before that, dude.
I am dyin'.
This thing is the devil.
Okay, are you in or you out? - What do you mean? - Well, I mean, you're at your house.
You could spend the day with your girlfriend.
Fiancee.
Look, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for the fight with park guy.
- In or out? - In.
- All right, thanks, buddy.
- Yeah, anytime.
I'm making grilled cheese.
Why? I find it therapeutic.
When I'm feeling anxious, I need to eat something hot.
I hope you don't mind.
I mind if you're only making one.
What if that's you and me in 13 years, wishing we could have a romance with the cute guy in the park? I mean, even deena, with the greatest husband in the world I mean, if dave and deena can't make it, who the hell can? I don't know.
I don't wanna know what it feels like to lose that lust for your man to have to find that somewhere else.
Well, then, don't.
Work at it.
Try new things.
Do you have a spatula? Is that a euphemism? it's not like I couldn't have screwed anyone.
I coulda, all right? Believe me, I coulda.
You know that girl suzanne from leviathan? She wants me bad.
How do you know? 'Cause, dude, I know.
So why don't you just hit that? 'Cause I can't just "hit that," all right? I'm not a "hit that" kind of guy.
'Cause you're scared.
Scared.
Yeah, yeah.
You were that guy in college who invited the girl up to his room to look at his cds, and you actually showed her your cds.
I had over 1,000 cds.
It was a lot for back then.
Look, I almost did it with suzanne.
So? What happened? I don't wanna lose deena.
I love my wife.
I love the way she smells.
I love the food she cooks, the jokes she laughs at, the way she is with the kids.
I just love her.
Go ahead.
Say it.
"Dave wears panties.
" I know I'm gonna feel the exact same way with marjorie.
Yeah.
I already do.
Honey, we're home.
What are you guys doing here? I thought you were playing golf.
Oh, we did.
We were.
Where's adam and dave? Dave dropped us off.
He and adam had to go get something.
Oh, well, good.
Marjorie, we have men! I'm not coming out in this.
Why not? Because I think this might be the one.
You're kidding.
Really? Guys aren't supposed to see me before the wedding day.
That's only adam that's not supposed to see you.
These guys don't count.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm coming out.
Here comes the bride here comes the bride Yeah.
Do you like it? Bellissima.
So you guys didn't get to play golf at all? No.
Nicole dave and deena are having an open marriage.
I know.
I don't like it.
I don't either.
We followed her around all day.
You followed her? Did you see anything? Only what happens when people keep secrets from each other.
We must never have secrets, nicole.
No matter if you think I will be mad, you must always tell me everything.
Promise? Honey, I'll meet you right out there, okay? All right.
You want one? Good hydration's very important.
So I like lisa B.
I like lisa, too.
I think she's really great.
She drinks her cereal milk.
Angelo isn't circumcised.
I know what you want.
You want some perfect thing that's something that doesn't turn into mom and dad hating each other.
What are you trying to say? So what if lisa B.
Drinks her cereal milk? You don't think marjorie drinks her milk straight from the bowl? We're not talking about marjorie.
Yes, we are.
I'm not blind.
I want you to be happy, no matter what it takes But adam is your best friend since we were kids.
You gotta realize what's at stake here.
Either you talk to him or let this go.
I'm trying.
Are you? Are you really? Call me later, bri.
Bye, nic.
See u, marjorie.
You look beautiful in that dress.
Thank you.
You wanna go for a walk or something? Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Lisa? - Hey.
- Hey.
What's with the bag? I wanna go home, but I wanted to wait for you.
Say good-bye.
- I-I thought that we were gonna - marjorie came over this morning.
She did? Did you tell her that I heard that message? Well, yeah.
What is with you two? She's my friend.
Come on, brian.
There's something there.
I mean, if you can't see it, I can.
I want it to go away.
Then tell her to stop calling you and stop coming over.
Will you do that? We're friends.
That's what she said.
I need to go home.
I'll see ya.
You know, you're right.
This thing drives really well, and this seat is the most comfortable seat I have ever sat in.
Forget car seats.
I'm talking any seat anywhere, recliners included.
I told you.
We're almost home.
Today was a big, giant goose chase.
Well, you gotta admit it was kind of fun.
Oh, yeah, it was a blast.
Oh, like deena's gonna have an affair.
Come on, don't be ridiculous.
You never know.
I know, but whatever it is you're going through, it's just a phase.
It's a 7th-inning stretch.
You guys are made for each other.
You know what? Just ease back for a second.
She's gonna make a right here in thalley.
Where's she going? I don't know.
She's, uh, definitely not going home.
We should kill him.
- You and me right now.
- Stop talking.
Let's go.
Please, okay? Just stop talking.
You can kill him.
You have the right to kill him.
That is your wife.
She is your wife! Shut up please? Oh, this is all wrong.
This is all wrong.
I mean, you guys are the couple.
I you guys are the couple that we all wanna be.
I mean, you're dave and deena.
You're dave and deena.
So you're you're saying that you wanna just cool it down for a little bit, huh? Maybe.
You're wearing the necklace.
Yeah.
Sometimes I just what? I just like you.
I really do.
And I I wanna walk outside with you.
I wanna hold hands with you and introduce you to my friends like a real couple.
I am part of a real couple.
Yeah, you always have to remind me.
Yeah, I do.
I've been part of a real couple for 13 years.
- Well, I'm not trying to - you're not, huh? Well, wait a minute.
You throw your marriage in my face like it's this perfect thing when obviously, it isn't.
You don't know.
I have a good marriage.
Then what are you doing here? - Don't get in.
- What? There's a cab right there.
Take that.
Dave, what are you talking about? Just go.
You can't break it on purpose.
If you do, it doesn't count, and your wish won't come true.
Yeah, it will.
I'm sorry, richard.
I just don't think I wanna do this anymore.
Brian, hey.
What are you doing here? Is adam here? - No.
- Did you go and see lisa? What? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? What, you couldn't help yourself, you just had to go? - I was trying to be nice.
- Nice.
Marjorie, why can't you see it? I mean, it's so obvious.
You sabotage all my relationships.
You you want me to be in love with you.
You you need it.
You get off on it.
You think my whole world revolves around you? All you are is my fiance's best friend.
I don't believe you.
Leave the damn dishes.
None of this would have happened if you had kept your mouth shut.
- You kissed me.
- No, you kissed me because you wanted to prove that you could, because you can't stand it that adam actually has the guts to take a chance and commit to something.
He was gonna break up with you, marjorie.
So what? You are exactly the same way.
You think I don't see how you are with these women? How you make them feel like they are the greatest thing, and then the minute that they act like a normal human being, you leave them.
I mean, what if I did leave adam? Then what? You'd be happy at first, and then little by little, you would start to pick me apart.
Are you thinking of leaving adam? No.
Then why do you say that? Why do you drop that in that "what if?" That that knife in my gut? Because you want me to keep hanging on! You want me to keep hoping.
What are you hoping for, brian? Nothing can ever happen, and if it did, you would lose adam forever.
Is that what you want? Do you want that? Of course not! That's not what I want!