What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 He was a real spurter.
Yeah, must have had high blood pressure.
Should probably see a physician.
Well, he definitely should now.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Oh, Laszlo, I feel wild.
I want to do something stupid and crazy.
All right.
What say we retire to our bedchamber and slip into some informal evening wear? And by that, I mean the nude.
[LAUGHS.]
: Oh, Laszlo.
Laszlo? Shh.
Look.
That's our new neighbor, Phil.
Digestif, my darkest princess? Laszlo, we've just eaten.
I want to do something different.
[ROLLS TONGUE, LAUGHS.]
Well, why don't I eat and you watch? That's kinky.
Is it? [CHUCKLES.]
Bickering like a couple of ninnies.
I know, right? It's like, "Sheesh.
We get it.
You've been together for centuries.
" Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Those are vampires.
You don't get to insult them.
- I was just - You're not a vampire.
- I'm sorry, Master.
- Geez.
I mean, come on, we get it already.
You've been married for centuries.
Watch this.
Bat.
Just get on with it, Laszlo.
Come to me, Phil.
Submit to my dark power.
Submit to my dark power.
When was the last time I felt his dark power? I say come to me, Phil.
I'm not staying for this.
You're being very boring.
Submit to my dark power.
[BAT SQUEAKING.]
- [HISSES.]
- WOMAN: Phil? I'm home.
- Phil? Who are you talking to? - LASZLO: Shit.
Bat! [SHRIEKING, GRUNTING.]
- [GRUNTING.]
- [BAT SCREECHING.]
[GRUNTING FIERCELY.]
- Oh! - NANDOR: Oh, shit.
GUILLERMO: The fuck? BOTH: Ooh ["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING.]
Don't sing if you want to live long They have no use for your song You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world Now your hope and compassion is gone You sold out your dream to the world Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world.
- Come on.
- COLIN: What's going on? NANDOR: Laszlo was over at Phil's house.
COLIN: Okay.
NANDOR: And Phil's girlfriend hit him over the head - and knocked him unconscious.
- COLIN: Okay.
NANDOR: So now we need to rescue him.
COLIN: Well, where's Nadja, though? NANDOR: I don't know.
NADJA: Obviously, being in a marriage for centuries can get boring.
And it is in these moments of dissatisfaction that I think about my human ex-lover, Gregor.
Oh, he is the most fantastic of men.
[SIGHS.]
If I did have to give one criticism, though, it would be that he did accidentally get his head cut off in every life he's had.
[SCREAMING.]
Such short, sweet lives.
Shit.
Shit, shit.
[GRUNTING.]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
[GRUNTING, PANTING.]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Please take the ticket.
Holy shit.
Wow.
NADJA: He has been reincarnated again.
And in this life, he is called Jep Jean.
Jange.
Uh, no, it's, um, Jex.
Jesh.
Jenk? It-it sounds like Jesh.
But, no doubt, he has been reborn as another heroic figure.
Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no! I told you guys, okay, you're not supposed to come in here unless you have a car, all right? And, uh, those don't look like cars, so - [SCOFFS.]
You're not a cop, man.
- I'm not a - You can't tell us what to do.
- All right, I'm taking your name down.
I'm taking your name down.
Hey.
In the camouflage.
I can still see you.
NANDOR: All right, one of us needs to be invited in and get Laszlo.
I am nominating Guillermo, because I am too foreign and you are too boring.
Well, Guillermo doesn't need to be invited, as he's a human being.
I would prefer to be invited in.
It's more polite.
Actually, it looks like it's a moot point.
They've stolen Laszlo.
I'm not approaching him.
Just going to watch.
[EXHALES.]
[MOANING.]
[GRUNTS.]
Gregor.
Gregor.
He's not answering, 'cause that-that is not his name.
Jesk.
[CLATTERING.]
Hey.
Wow.
What a wonderful shock it is to see you here.
- Yes.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Do you think maybe you could let me into your shelter of automobiles? What? Oh, uh, yeah.
Come on in, of course.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Well, how have you been? I-I didn't think I'd ever see you again.
You will always see me again.
Okay.
Uh, this is where I work.
Hence the why I'm working here.
- Amazing.
- Yeah.
You are protecting a vast empire.
Three floors, yeah.
Are the cameras with you? You don't see the cameras.
Okay.
Yeah.
Come on in.
Oh, we got your birds, your rats people hate rats.
Then you got your skunks.
We get a lot of calls for skunks.
I have to get closer to see if he's in there.
- [YELLS, MOANS IN PAIN.]
- [THUDS.]
[DOGS BARKING.]
Sounds like an owl to me.
So do you keep your horses on one of the levels? Uh, no.
There was a Jaguar in here once.
It's a pretty nice car.
Just thought it was pretty cool.
NADJA: I have met Gregor in many incarnations.
Soldier, spy, wax seller, monger, carpet monger, suitcase monger, fishmonger, fly monger.
He mongers a lot in his lives.
Your job is so complicated, Gregor.
- Oh - So stimulating.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- No.
A-Again, you know, it, uh it's "Jeff.
" Shh.
I have crossed oceans of time to be with you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
-I'm imagining swimming through time.
-Yes - But I have.
- Oh, wow.
Well, I'm gonna get off work here, in a second.
I just got a little bit more to do, if you want to hang out.
Oh, it is forbidden, but ten, 15 minutes? - Yes, that's great.
- I will see you then.
- Okay, cool.
- [MOANING.]
NADJA: He's always got a very, very strong sexual energy that calls to my sexual energy.
Deeply sexual.
That's Gregor.
So, our roommate, Laszlo, was knocked unconscious whilst in bat form by our neighbor, uh, Phil's girlfriend, and he's now caged and inside the animal shelter.
Uh, uh, Laszlo, not Phil, our neighbor's girlfriend.
Yes.
We must get him out before daybreak.
Well, and that's the thing with these night walkers here, isn't it? You know, a little bit of sunlight, and poof.
They go up in flames.
- I've never gone poof, but it's okay.
- Not yet.
The vampires are always like, [accent.]
: "Ooh! I'm a vampire.
I'm immortal.
I'm [regular voice.]
: whatever.
" Well, okay.
Well, how about you go be immortal at brunch? NADJA: So what is the itinerary for tonight? Are you going to punish your worst enemy? Embarrass him in front of his elders? - Oh, uh - Or are we going to destroy the worst criminals from your village and I will help? Wait, in Staten Island? How about find some red witches and cut their feet off? We could go to the carnival.
I mean, they've got games there.
It's pretty dope.
It is like a freak show? I don't think you're supposed to say that.
We used to have a freak show in my village.
We would get given one balloon between all my brothers and sisters.
And then we would bite at each other to get it.
One year, my sister bit my brother's thigh, and then we sold the meat for money.
Hello.
C-Can we come in? Excuse us, can we come into the shelter? We're open till 11:00.
- Okay, that's great.
- We see that.
BOTH: Can we come in? Yeah, come in.
How's your night been, guys? - It's none of your business.
- What are you What? - How's your night been? - It's been fine.
Okay, good.
Ours has, too.
Isn't this the one that you ate last week? I didn't.
I wouldn't.
[WHISPERS.]
: It's locked.
You guys looking for the bathroom? I need to do a two.
It's right behind you, man.
That door.
- Wait.
Where are you going? - [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
They're not happy tonight, Bobby.
- Yeah, what's up? - Oh, I brought in a bat.
BOBBY: Okay.
A little fella, you got to see this guy.
- Look at his face.
- [LAUGHS.]
: Yeah.
BOBBY: This guy looks like a little English guy.
KAREN: Yeah, he's a little, little British chap.
Wait, wait, wait, let me blow him up there.
Look at - You see something? You see something? - No way.
That is a bat's erect penis on that screen.
Laszlo's.
Okay.
We're gonna have to get him a little rabies shot.
I want you to bring me the strange bat with the erection.
Wait, hang on a second.
Can you imagine him with that little British top hat, like, "Whoo" - Like a little explorer.
- I don't think that worked.
- I know.
- Not so hot at hypnotism, huh? I'm fine at hypnotism; it's just you can't hypnotize a subject that doesn't want to do something that you want them to do.
If the only time you can hypnotize someone is when you have them do something they want to do, then it's not really hypnotism, is it? [BOTH HISSING.]
Wait a minute, can we help you guys? Uh, yeah.
We're actually looking for a lost pet.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Okay.
- What kind of pet is it? - A normal one.
Like, a bat.
Oh, now, bats are illegal.
He said "cat," ma'am.
Well, if you have any sort of missing animal, then you just need to fill out the required paperwork, and then we'll go have a look in the back for you.
Fine.
NADJA: Gregor doesn't know I am not human and I cannot do certain things, like eat human food.
Hey.
I got us some popcorn.
What is it? Popcorn? You've never had popcorn? - You're gonna love it.
Here, try it.
- Oh.
- Just try one piece.
- Oh, I'm-I'm No, I - No, just come on, just - Ooh, wait a minute.
Got it? No, just let me put it in your mouth.
- [GROWLS.]
- If you just If it touches your tongue, it'll stay.
It sticks to your tongue.
That's what's kind of fun about it.
There you go.
Yeah.
Mm.
Hmm.
[JEFF GRUNTS.]
Mm.
That was so nice.
- Yeah.
- Hey, do you want more? - Oh, no.
I'm-I'm okay.
- I got a whole bucket.
No! No.
No.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, so the ASBN-119 I need, but MA-553 is of no use to me whatsoever, correct? Uh, exactly.
[YAWNS.]
[WHISPERING.]
: I'm trying to find an open window.
I think I found one.
[BAT SQUEAKING.]
Laszlo.
There you are.
I've come to rescue you.
[GRUNTS.]
[DOGS BARKING, CATS YOWLING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[GASPS.]
Gregor.
It is your beloved weapon.
You are the master archer.
Yeah.
I I am pretty good at this in VR.
Behold the great Gregor the archer.
It's Jeff.
Bring this place to its knees.
Oh, shit.
[GROANS.]
Imagine it is a horde of Turkish.
- Horde of what? - [HISSES.]
: Kill them.
[JEFF SIGHS.]
I kind of suck at this.
I don't know.
What has happened to you? [QUIETLY.]
: Stupid.
NANDOR: We are out, we are out, we are out.
- [BELL TINKLES.]
- Here.
Guillermo.
[PANTING.]
: This is the third animal shelter I visited.
- We did it? - NANDOR: Yes, yes, yes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [BAT SQUEAKING.]
Laszlo, you are free now.
- So be free.
- [YELPING.]
- Oh - You're welcome.
- Yeah.
- Fucking guy.
Are you guys sure it was him? Where the fuck am I? I say! Release me.
So, what just happened is that Nandor took a bat that was being treated here, and he just re released it into the wild.
Uh, a sick, sick bat.
Do you think I might have rabies now? - Possible.
- Not now, Guillermo.
JEFF: I just don't know how it's my responsibility to pay for both Internet and cable.
When you have a roommate, you're supposed to kind of split everything down the middle.
- This is a misery for my ears.
- I know, I just - Nice outfit, freak.
- [COUGHS.]
Goth sucks.
You mustn't kill them, please.
- Oh, no, I wasn't gonna do anything.
- Really? Huh.
Yeah.
I you know, I see a lot of this as a security guard, and the best way to handle this RECORDED VOICE: Congratulations.
We have a winner! What happened?-He was playing the game wrong.
I cannot believe how boring Gregor has become.
In every other past life, he was so exhilarating.
Such a maverick.
You know, when he was a washer woman, he would pour dirty old mop juice all over my body and rub it into me while he ravished me.
- When he was a wild horse - [NEIGHING.]
I rode him naked all throughout the countryside.
But this version of Gregor? It is a boring disgrace.
And you know what? It's because they named him Jeps.
Jeff.
Wow, you were really good at ring toss.
- I had so much fun tonight.
- I cannot take this.
I cannot take how boring you have become.
How are you supposed to be a strong, thrilling, powerful warrior and lover with a name like Jeff? It is like a weak ejaculation.
- [WHINY GRUNTING.]
- Okay.
- Jeff.
- Okay, all right, all right.
You know what? You're being really rude to me and my Uncle Jeff, but also Grandpa Jeff, - and that's where I draw the line.
- Go back.
Remember.
Remember who you are.
Ah [DEEP VOICE.]
: I am standing on the crest of a hill.
Atop the Carpathian Mountains.
- I am victorious from battle.
- [ARMOR CLANKING.]
[GRUNTS.]
But I am punctured by many arrow.
Yet I survive.
I must survive to see my lover.
Nadja.
Love will get me through.
Desire will fuel my journey.
Oh, Gregor - it is you.
[MOANS.]
- Hark.
A rider approaches.
He is wielding a sword.
It comes towards me, - aiming directly for my hea - [SWORD RINGS.]
Oh, next life.
Be down in a minute, sire.
This mop It is as full of water as I am desire.
- [MOANING.]
- I want to, but I mustn't.
- No, you can.
- No, he will hear.
Just one little kiss with our lips.
He will be so angry.
-Just stick our mouths together.
[MOANING.]
-[GASPS.]
Oh, no, sir, not my head.
-Next! [SNORTS.]
[HOOVES CLOPPING.]
[SNORTS.]
- - [DOGS BARKING, CATS MEOWING.]
Silence, my four-legged friends.
I sense you are angry tonight.
And with good reason.
For we have been imprisoned.
- [CAT YOWLS.]
- Yes, without trial.
Now is the time to hoist our oars and row towards freedom.
Agreed? - [CAT YOWLS.]
- Thank you.
Now, I'm assuming that there is a cat in the cage to my right.
- [YOWLS.]
- Excellent.
You will succumb to my dark power, and you will undo your latch - and free me.
- [YOWLS.]
Loosen your latch and free me.
- KAREN: All right - Succumb Shit.
- Bat.
- Here you go.
Over here.
You know your spot.
There you go.
Home, sweet home.
Be good.
All right.
Night, fellas.
Woof, woof.
- Nandor? Is that you? - Yes.
I turned myself into a dog to come and rescue you.
Hang on a second you turned yourself into a dog - in a place that imprisons dogs? - I just thought I'd be a bit creative and come and rescue you.
You don't want me to rescue you, I can go again.
And tell me how you do that.
You're locked in a fucking cage.
Oh What's Nadja gonna say? Where is she? Uh [NADJA LAUGHING.]
- OFFICER: No! Stop! - [NADJA WHOOPS.]
- Stop! - My Gregor, yes! OFFICER: Come on! Hey, not-a-cop.
[NADJA HISSES.]
[GRUNTING.]
Whoa, whoa.
Holy shit.
- Yes.
- We have defeated time itself.
We have been drawn together.
- [MOANING.]
- Let's make love right now.
- Right here? - Yeah, here.
Right here on the dirty ground in this filthy parking lot.
Oh, I was hoping you would say that.
-Yeah.
-Oh -[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh, God.
You want to get that? Do you need to get that? Hello? Hello, Guillermo.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, I see.
He did what? I'm Okay, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Okay.
Yeah.
Sorry, I have to leave.
- Stay with me.
- I know.
Let's make animalistic, freaky sex right now.
No, but somebody else needs me in a much less erotic way, but, you know, it is what it is.
But I've died for you, Nadja.
I've seen it.
These visions are enough to drive a man to madness.
Oh, it was only one time you died for me.
The other times were just accidents.
A few hours ago, my life was normal, and now everything I thought I knew was real has turned out to be an illusion.
I'm married with a husband.
Farewell.
- [WHOOSHING.]
- No, no, Nadja.
Nadja.
Nadja! [GASPS.]
Oh, my God! - [GASPS.]
Nadja?! - [RATS SQUEAKING.]
COLIN: And, like, I've also noticed that some dogs are really, really big, and other dogs - are really small - [THUMPING AT WINDOW.]
Oh, thank God.
- [HISSES.]
- Sorry.
Thank goodness.
- Laszlo and Nandor are in cages inside.
- [NADJA SIGHS.]
- [COLIN DRONING.]
- Please come in, ma'am.
Thank you.
What is the code for your door? 1-2-3-4-5.
- That's the code for the door? - Uh-huh.
[SIGHS HEAVILY.]
Humans, I can't [DOGS BARKING.]
Yay, it's Nadja.
Hello, my darling.
What are you doing here? - I've come to help you out of the cage.
- Absolutely no need.
- Mr.
Cat next door - [YOWLS.]
I was in the process of hypnotizing him.
I was moments away from escaping.
I don't know why you bothered coming.
Sh-Shit.
I've got to free my fellow inmates.
I made a gentleman's promise.
OFFICER: Well, the suspect stated that he is an ancient warrior who's been reborn anew, - et cetera, et cetera.
- JEFF [GRUNTING.]
: That's all the truth! You can ask my ex we were together ages ago.
She turned into a pile of rats.
Okay, buddy.
I'll just ask the pile of rats.
I am Gregor! Victor of many battles.
I am cleaning lady! - [MEOWS.]
- Run and be free, my comrade.
- What the fuck? - [CATS YOWLING, HISSING.]
- [CATS YOWLING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
Still no thank-you? Release your claws, you ungrateful bastards.
- [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
- [DOGS BARKING.]
[EXHALES.]
[HISSING, GROWLING, SLURPING.]
- [EARBUDS: MUSIC PLAYING.]
- [GAGGING.]
- [MUSIC STOPS.]
- [GAGS.]
ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows.
- All new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.
- [GAGGING CONTINUES.]
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.