What Would Diplo Do? (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Announcer: All it takes is one man to make it lit.
But haters gonna hate.
Man: [Mockingly.]
Deejaying isn't an art form.
Man #2: [Mockingly.]
You make music on a laptop? Woman: [Mockingly.]
Get a real job.
EDM is for pussies.
Man #3: Wait.
You don't play an instrument? Diplo: Nah, fam, you got it all wrong.
I'm trying to keep it lit.
Announcer: But if you keep running towards the function, the party will keep poppin'.
This summer, in a theater near you, Diplo is going to [Echoing.]
take back the beat.
'Sup, fam? [Air horn blows.]
"Take Back the Beat"? W I thought they were gonna call it "Set It Off.
" I told you this was a bad idea.
No, you said the director was dope.
I said his reel was dope.
Okay, well, what happened to the kid from "Twilight"? They cast an unknown a, you know, a devout Christian.
He has a bunch of Twitter followers.
Yo, how could you let this happen? - Hey, listen to me, man! - Dude, what are you guys talking about?! This is [bleep.]
amazing! It's almost like that movie that Britney Spears was in, "Crossroads," and "Glitter" [bleep.]
each other, and they had this weird, incestuous, hot baby, and it had, like, a weird arm.
It's gonna be [bleep.]
hilarious! It already is, man! Yes, but, Jasper, those are two very bad movies.
[Sighs.]
Jasper: No, those are good movies, and this is gonna be [bleep.]
funny.
Okay, thank you.
Yo, I'm calling the studio.
[Sighs.]
I mean do I even sound like that? Karen: What do you mean? Like, all, like, "lit" and "fam" and shit.
- I mean - Your Your intonation is different than what they're doing in the movie - Kind of.
- sort of language.
You do.
On the bright side, um, you're just trending with some demographics that we are not normally hitting.
[No audio.]
I will [bleep.]
you in the ass with a barbed-wire dildo dipped in Raid! That's right roach killer, mother[bleep.]
! It's gonna burn! You are an irrelevant, unfunny q Look, I know that you have ultrahigh, super-cool standards, but people like what they like.
[Sighs.]
Like, my mom and I love cheesy Lifetime Christmas movies.
They're so silly, they're ridiculous, but we look forward to them every year so we can watch them on the phone together.
I think you're gonna be surprised how many people really like it.
Says the girl who loves Christmas movies.
Hey-ey.
What's up? Uh, I just talked to the studio trailer sucks [bleep.]
those guys but the movie is on track to be number two in the box office.
- What's number one? - "Bobby Barret: Billionaire Ferret.
" Jasper: Oh, my God! Dude, that movie [bleep.]
rules! I [bleep.]
love that movie.
It's really good.
Yo is this how people are gonna remember me? Being a subject in a hit movie it could be worse.
Hey, you have an interview.
I don't want to keep her waiting any longer.
[Door opens.]
[Indistinct conversations in distance.]
[Door closes.]
What was the industry that the ferret was working in? Smuggles arms to North Korea in the first movie, and makes a lot of money in the - Oh.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's political.
That is funny.
[Laughs.]
I mean, it's fun, you know, the the parties and the girls and the everything.
So, this you know, this movie is a way of, uh, letting people in on that.
[Sighs.]
And what's your part in all of it? [Sighs.]
To keep it lit.
Right.
That's a catchphrase, but what does that mean to you? What does "keeping it lit" mean? Yeah.
It's, like, you know, keep the party poppin'.
[Inhales deeply.]
I guess what I'm trying to reconcile is the music, which I connect with quite a bit and the lifestyle that you're talking about, which I relate to less.
I feel like I-I have a pretty good idea who Diplo is.
What I'm curious about is who is Wesley Pentz? Well I mean Does it matter? Maybe not.
Y Hey, this It's It's like I-I create a persona, right, so that w-when I'm in front of all those people, they have someplace to focus their energy, but it's not about me.
It's about giving the energy back to them.
You know, it's like circuitry.
[Sighs.]
I mean, to try to make a hero out of a deejay? All so [bleep.]
cheesy.
It's just like This movie is gonna suck.
EDM winter is coming.
Is, uh, is this something you've been struggling with a lot? No, it's pretty much all your fault.
Huh.
Right.
- [Chuckles.]
- I'm serious.
Like, I-I don't I don't meet - many women like you.
Like - [Chuckles.]
Like, with no tolerance for bullshit.
Um, maybe you should try keeping different company.
- [Chuckles.]
- Well, maybe I should keep my company with with you in it.
- [Chuckles.]
- That's not a real sentence, is it? - No.
- Damn it! [Chuckles.]
[Sighs, clears throat.]
Well, um, everything you've told me is, uh, it's a pretty huge story which is why I'm not gonna run it.
- Why not? - Self-destruction isn't my thing.
I mean, if you were an asshole, yeah, I wouldn't think twice, but you're not, so I mean, I don't I don't think you are.
Yo, we should hang out sometime.
That's That's not what I was trying to do.
I know but it happened.
Can't deny it.
I'm, uh, leaving on a red-eye tomorrow, so Come kick it at my place tonight, then? That's your idea of a date? Oh, you want to go old-school with it? - I - I'm so I'm so down.
I'm so down.
Let's John Hughes it.
Oh, God.
[Laughs.]
Would you go out on a date with me tonight? Do you remember my name? [Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
I think it's, like, super like, I don't know I just think it's really, really important to be humble.
- [Slurping.]
- [Air horn blows.]
Zone in on the road - And I know where to go - But I ain't looked back - I ain't goin' back to that - - Put you down on the floor - Out of this world I know - Somehow trying to dream - - Yeah, baby - - And I have to look back, unh - - Since I'm out of my mind - To never look behi-i-nd - No - And I haven't looked back - Unh, unh - - For a very long time - - I don't I don't see myself lookin' back, baby - Reason why is 'cause my mind is lookin' forward, yeah Ooh, ooh, ooh Repeat is when you come to find I'm standin' in everything, oh Even though I threw away the cover You gotta know that I'm never lookin' back for you - 'Cause you remind me of the trouble - - And why I had to come from under - - I used to have to use my muscle - Gotta be strong, livin' this life - Right or wrong - 'Cause this life is very good to me Is relay to go to you - It seemed like such a difficult task - Bah, bah, bah - To me, I was just stayin' true - Oh, oh - Be true to mine and true to you - Tryin' to relieve the pain that we endure If you don't want relief, then sell my drug - You're lost, but I saved you some - And I had to look back, unh, unh Since I'm out of my mind - To never look behi-i-i-nd, no - And I had to look back, unh, unh For a very long time Yo.
What are you doing here? Oh, uh, I don't know.
And why do I look like a [bleep.]
pirate? Why are you dressed like dead people? I don't know.
Oh, my God, I smell like one, too.
I feel like I know this place.
Oh, wait, yeah, yeah.
I'm supposed to, um It's your It's your past.
It's, um I, uh I don't know how to read, so I'm gonna actually just show you what we're supposed to do, so - [Snaps fingers.]
- [Whoosh.]
[Soft instrumental music plays.]
Ah, I knew it.
Oh, this is when I was opening for that metal band.
I used to follow their tour bus around in my shit little car and stay at the cheapest hotel, and they let me open for them.
Who [bleep.]
cares?! Look at how dumb you look up there! I wasn't born cool, - it took some practice.
- [Audience booing.]
I just I don't remember you being that shitty or lame.
- It's bad.
- [Crowd booing.]
Diplo: Yeah, those were some dark days.
Th-Thank you very much.
"Thank you very much"? Oh, my God! If you want to buy any, the CDs will be in the parking lot.
[Booing continues.]
We got to go.
- [Snaps fingers.]
- [Whoosh.]
It's so crazy that we used to think it was okay to listen to stupid music in our room alone, but you decided to play it for a roomful of people, even though it was super lame.
I know, but that's, like, probably worse, right? That's way worse.
'Cause it just means, like [Heavy-metal music plays in distance.]
- Did you hit that? - That was my girlfriend.
Yo, I was in love with that girl.
Like, no.
Holy shit.
Let's go and see what she's doing.
[Snaps fingers.]
Oh shit! Oh shit.
Oh, my God.
Dude, that's not you.
[Moaning.]
Man: Yes.
[Moaning.]
Yo.
[Moaning.]
[Heavy-metal music continues in distance.]
[Moaning.]
Yo-o.
Yo.
What the [bleep.]
are you doing? Making sure I don't snap and kill one of my favorite clients for being a little shithead.
Why are you dressed like that? I don't know.
This is your dream.
Might want to ask yourself that question.
And also, by the way, next time I'm in your dreams, can I at least be wearing underwear All right, dude, please.
- so I can feel safe? - Yeah.
- [Telephone ringing.]
- Oh shit.
- She can't see you.
- Yeah, I got that.
Oh, and this is the present, by the way.
Karen: Hey, Mom, how's work? Woman: Oh, it's always the same.
You know that.
You? Oh, you know always an adventure.
[Chuckles.]
Is it getting any better? You know, he is capable of magic sometimes.
And he'll do something, and I'm like, "Oh, my God, - yes, he gets it, he's evolving.
" - [Chuckles.]
And then he'll just, like turn right around and say the most dickhead thoughtless [Sighs.]
I don't know.
Well, you know, you could work anywhere.
I don't want to work anywhere, Mom.
You always see the best in people, but not everyone is capable of change, honey.
Don't say that.
You have to want to change first.
[Slap.]
- [Whoosh.]
- Oh, hello.
[Giggles.]
Welcome to your future.
- Very happy to be your guide.
- Hi.
Yeah, uh, some very positive things to report.
Um, your health is fine.
You're financially solvent.
Yo, why do I look like Gandalf? Oh, yes.
White hair, in the future, is quite retro.
It's very cool.
Also, not many people have hair after the fallout from the Doesn't really matter why.
[Chuckles.]
Life goes on.
[Chuckles.]
For most people.
[Crowd cheers, EDM music plays.]
For a large number of people.
But you still draw a crowd.
Sweet.
[Music continues.]
You're still still making these hits.
Hits after hits after hits.
- [Crowd cheers.]
- Future Diplo: Thank you, everybody.
Keep on livin'.
[Whoosh.]
- [Crowd cheers.]
- W-Where'd I go? Well, this is fun.
- [Whoosh.]
- You only perform by hologram now.
No more planes, no more delays, no more hotel-room repair bills.
It's very efficient.
Why'd I end the set with, "Keep on livin'"? Oh.
Just something to say.
[Chuckles.]
Sweet house, though, huh? Oh, yes.
State-of-the-art.
Everything operated by artificial intelligence.
No staff necessary.
Oh, so I'm here alone? Mm-hmm.
Zero employees.
I got a girlfriend? Uh, uh, no.
Kids? Not on the current course projection, no.
Huh.
Fantasia.
Electronic voice: Yes, Sir Diplo? "Sir Diplo.
" I'm a knight, huh? I knew it.
- So dope.
- Hmm.
Play "Mad Decent Block Party, Fort Lauderdale, 2016.
" - [Whoosh.]
- Oh, wait, I'm watching old concert videos? [Sighs.]
- Aw, that is so lame.
- [EDM music plays.]
Yes, well, we've seen a lot of the future, so why don't we head out.
- There's some good food in the future.
- Wait, wait a minute, wait a minute.
- What am I doing? - We Diplo: Am I pulling out my Yes.
No.
No, no, no, no, stop.
Don't.
Put it back.
Don't Stop.
Don't do No! [Echoing.]
No-o-o! [Whoosh.]
[Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
I-I'm I'm, like, super into women's rights, because, like, if it weren't for women, almost none of us would even be here.
None of us would be here.
[Air horn blows.]
[Beep.]
[Telephone ringing.]
- [Click.]
- Woman: Hey, sexy.
Uh, yo.
Um, I'm, like, super sleepy.
Well, I'll wake you up.
Uh Yeah, I-I got some test results back.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- What, herpes? Yeah, herpes.
Okay, well, unless it's a flare-up - It's a flare-up.
- Okay, well, [Chuckles.]
good for us.
I'm already on medication.
[Chuckles.]
You know, there ain't nothing you can give me that I don't already have.
Um, well th-the truth is, uh, I think I'm gay now so - Oh, well, that's new.
- Yeah.
So, you want me to bring my roommate? He's probably still up.
[Sighs.]
Listen, I met somebody.
Okay? And I And it's I-I-I I just don't want to end up, like, an old man in a hologram, jerking off to myself.
And I-I don't know where it's going, but I just I got to find out.
So, you're just now realizing this after I done drove halfway from Santa [bleep.]
Monica.
Sorry.
[Huffs.]
Well, good luck.
Call me when you're over it.
[Receiver clicks.]
Diplo, how excited are you tonight? Uh, you know, I'm very excited.
I think electronic music is is really having a moment right now.
Do you have a comment on the recent celebrity hack? Uh, I don't know.
Why? What happened? You're one of the celebs whose phone's cloud information was posted online.
R-Really? Wha When? Yeah, it just happened like an hour ago.
What's your reaction? We, uh, got to get him to his seat.
- Is that true? - Yeah, but don't worry about it.
Brian's all over it.
He knows a guy at 4chan, - and it'll be gone by tomorrow.
- Does it include texts? Yes.
But it's fine.
It's fine.
You're a deejay.
You're not the pope.
There was nothing on there that surprised me.
[Indistinct conversations in distance.]
[Mid-tempo music plays.]
[Music intensifies.]
[Music slows and distorts.]
- [Chuckling.]
Oh.
- Hmm.
They should make a movie about you.
That's how good you look.
[Chuckles.]
Damn.
[Music stops.]
Announcer: Please take your seats.
We'll be starting the presentation in just a few moments.
[Indistinct conversations in distance.]
[Clears throat.]
So how you feeling? Uh - [Chuckling.]
Ohh.
- [Chuckles.]
It's gonna be okay.
Right.
[Chuckles.]
- You know that, right? - [Sighs.]
Hey.
It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks or what they make of this.
You get to walk out of here and create whatever the [bleep.]
you want.
So good, right? Just take a deep breath and take it all in.
[Indistinct conversations in distance.]
[Chuckles.]
I-I-I [Sighs.]
There's some something I got to tell you.
Um Last night, I late at night I got a booty call.
And at first, I just I said yes, but then I-I thought about what do I want and, like, do I want to end up alone.
And I don't.
So I called her up and I said, "Don't come.
" - Hmm.
- But then my phone got hacked, and so I figured you would find out, - so I just - [Chuckles.]
Like, and I know we're not, like, together, so I didn't want to be weird, but I-I just I wanted you to hear it from me.
A-And I didn't do it the booty call.
Okay.
[Chuckles.]
I-I-I [Sighs.]
What I realized is, like what I want is a relationship.
[Soft music plays.]
Like, a real relationship with with you.
Like, if you, uh, um, if you if you, obviously, like like, if [Chuckles.]
I'm gonna shut up now.
[Chuckles.]
I had to come from under I think where you are right now is great.
- I do.
- Got to be stronger Most guys don't get this far.
But you're not there yet.
And after my last relationship It seemed like such a difficult task I'm not the person to walk you through it.
But to me, I was just stayin' true And I had to look back, unh, unh Since I'm out of my mind To never look behi-i-i-nd No And I had to look back, unh, unh For a very long time [Air horn blows.]
[Air horn blows.]
Ghosts scare me.
Seriously, I don't like ghosts even, like, friendly ghosts, even if it was, like, Casper.
Like, "Yo, go play with your friends.
I don't I don't I don't want it.
" [Air horn blows.]
For a very long time Oh-oh oh, hunh, hunh [Vocalizing.]
We're doing a scene at a baseball field today.
So, of course, my director decided to bring his Ukulele.
- [Laughs.]
- [Ukulele plays soft music.]
- Your ukulele? - [Laughs.]
Ukulele? Man: of Karen and Brian Well, how are you? Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hey.
That That close.
Purple middle there.
- First shot.
- [Marching band plays.]
- It's on the list.
- Look at that.
- There we go.
- Look at that! You've heard of Take Your Dad to Work Day.
- This is Make Your Dad Work Day.
- [Laughter.]
Look at that.
We're making him older.
[Applauding.]
What's going on, folks? [Muttering.]
'Sup, dude? [Speaking indistinctly.]
Picture's up.
Going to set, going to taping.
- Ready to be booed? - I'm ready to be booed.
Once James is onstage, it's gonna get a little bit weird, I think.
[Crowd cheers.]
See you.
That is a wrap on season one! [Cheers and applause.]
Can I say Diplo? Yeah, you can say Diplo if you want.
[Laughter.]