White Famous (2017) s01e05 Episode Script

- I've been seeing someone.
- Hey, y'all.
Here's what's been happening on White Famous.
- I hope you were nice to him.
- Nice to him? Why's it my job to be nice to him? Can you get my son in private school? - Which one? - Broken Arrow.
I know half the board.
That's a phone call.
You got in.
They just called! - I got in? - Yeah.
The admissions lady said some bigwig called and put in a good word.
Am I your first married lady? - What now? - You didn't know? - Amy thinks the world of you.
- Amy? - You've been cuckolded.
- Who is he? I will have him hung, drawn, and fucking quartered.
You were so funny in that movie, by the way.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, almost too funny, really.
Foxx wasn't pleased.
Yo, just do it, man.
Man up.
Make the fucking call.
Yo, what's the worst that could happen? I don't know, Balls.
Do I really want to be that guy? Yo, why the fuck not, man? Be that guy.
Being that guy is gonna get you the answers to the questions - that's plaguing your black ass.
- Maybe it's better not to know.
Give me the juice out there, please.
Man, why you giving this motherfucker so much power over here? 'Cause he's the star of the movie, that's why.
He's also a game show host.
And more importantly, he's a fucking man, just like you.
So what, he got a fucking Oscar and a-a gold Bugatti and he gets his hog polished anytime he damn well pleases.
Who the fuck wants that shit anyway? Wouldn't be special anymore, and getting your hog polished is supposed to be special.
Okay, "hog polish" is not in nigga dictionary.
Drop it, all right? And I'ma make this call, but just to shut you the fuck up.
- Hello? - Hey, Foxx.
What's going on, man? It's Floyd Mooney.
- Who? - Floyd Mooney.
You know, from the movie? - Which movie? - Molested.
Ah, shit, that was, like, two movies ago already.
Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, man.
- Is this Foxx or not? - Nah, it's AJ.
AJ? Who the hell is AJ? Foxx's executive assistant.
Oh, okay, well, is he around? Yeah, but he's, uh, meditating.
Oh, word, I know how that shit go.
Floyd Moo oh, Floyd Mooney.
- Wait, what that mean? - Nothing.
It sure sounded like something.
Yeah, I'll have Foxx hit you back.
Thanks for calling, Floyd.
Hey, man, come on This nigga hung up on me.
- Hey.
- Uncle Balls! Low-T.
How you doing? - Hi oh, my God.
- Oh, man.
- Daddy.
- Hey.
Wait, wait, wait.
What is this? What? He looks adorable.
- Adorable? - Yeah.
Yeah, if "adorable" you mean he look like Urkel.
Is this the look we shooting for? - Yes.
- What? - New school, new brand.
- Oh, boy.
Go over there and play with your uncle.
- Okay.
- Why aren't you dressed yet? What is this? I am dressed.
Look at this here.
You see my junk hanging out or something like that? I'm fully dressed and ready to go.
Floyd, you know this is not appropriate.
Well, you just told me that it was a new family picnic, and the word I clued in on was "picnic," and I ain't never heard of nobody having to dress up for a picnic.
Okay, first of all, the key word is "family," and you don't have to show up looking like a thug, 'cause that's what you look like right now.
- I don't look like no thug.
- We're walking.
- We're walking.
- We're we're walking? Hold up, now girl, you can't Got you.
You know, I want to make a good impression.
He's so nervous.
Are you sure it's him that's nervous and it's not just you? Yeah, you're right.
I'm tossing my cookies.
I don't know why you let those motherfuckers have so much power over you.
They're just people.
Private school people can be really judgey, Floyd.
Well, if you're nervous, I know a good way to blow off some steam.
Okay, one, two, three.
Eyes on me.
Eyes on me.
Up here.
- On my face.
- They're on you, all right.
How are things going with Idris Elbow? Can you not pick a fight with me right now, please? I'm not picking anything with you.
I just want to see if you got sick of that dumbass accent that he got, and has he met Trevor yet? No.
No, of course not.
I would never do that, not unless I was sure he was sticking around, and I-I would totally talk to you about it first.
- Great.
- Maybe at dinner sometime soon.
- What? - Yeah.
You'd be cool with that, right? Oh, you just snuck that up on me.
I feel like you just stuck a finger up my ass, - and I ain't even know it.
- Okay.
My name is Norma Gonsalves-Mestres, and it is my absolute honor and privilege to welcome you all to Broken Arrow.
This is a school where cutting "edge-ucation" and harmonious inclusivity have come together to create a bouillabaisse of inspired intention for your beautiful children.
speaking Spanish You think if I threw a noose up there, it would support my weight? Would you shut up and listen for once? Not every place we go to has an open mic night.
Hey, I might have to pay for the privilege of this bullshit, but I damn sure don't have to listen to it.
Shh.
Who the fuck are you? speaking Spanish Now let's go back in time.
Do you remember what it was like to be your child's age? Go ahead and travel back there with me.
It's okay to close your eyes.
What was your favorite movie? What kind of music did you like? What were you good at? What made you nervous? What made you excited? What made you scared? How'd you feel about your bodies? Felt pretty good about my body.
- And yours.
- Stop it.
And now I want you all to stand up and for the next five minutes, I want you to talk to a perfect stranger as your younger self.
Oh, hell no.
I got to go find the shitter.
No, no, no, no, you're not doing that, Floyd.
- Oh, yes, I am.
- No.
I don't got to listen to what this bitch says.
She ain't the boss of me.
You see, this bitch is the boss of you, and you're gonna do what she says.
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Hello.
I'm very nervous to approach you, because you're so, uh, beautiful and cool, and, um, black.
And-and that makes me feel very uncool.
Also, I-I'm not very comfortable with my body, because I'm, uh, chubby and I have spots, and, um, well, nary a pubic hair, a-and when I play with myself, nothing comes out, no matter how hard I try.
Uh Sadie, this is Peter and Amy.
Believe it or not, Peter's the head of the network - and Amy's my new agent.
- Oh.
Floyd, Floyd, we're meant to stay in character.
Um, h-how do you feel about your body? Peter, please stop.
You're being so weird right now.
No, I'm sorry, Amy.
I-I'm just trying to show a little school spirit, all right? You know, cutting "edge-ucation.
" Woot.
- You must be the famous Sadie.
- Famous, am I? Oh, God, yes, Floyd speaks incredibly highly of you.
You know, most women go their whole lives wanting to hear a man talk about them - they way Floyd talks about you.
- Sorry? Well, that's-that's good to hear.
- He's a good guy.
- He's a great guy.
- He's a great guy.
- He's great.
- He's talented.
- Yeah.
He's handsome.
He's the he's the whole package.
All of it.
So what are you guys doing here? Isn't this more of a new family thing? No, you're our buddy family.
Yes, all incoming families have them.
We'll show you around the place and answer any questions you might have.
Lean on us.
Yes, and Peter is especially excited because you guys are the first diverse family he's brought in.
Yes, it's true.
It's a big day for me, so, uh, don't let me down, homeys.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, hello, hello.
- Hey.
- I'm Peter.
So what's the deal with you and Amy? What do you mean? I mean, you're acting weird around her.
I'm not acting weird.
She's weird.
They're both weird.
Bienvenidos.
Aloha.
Namaste.
What up? Let me look at you two.
Wow.
This is the best part of my job, welcoming a wonderful new family to the Broken Arrow community.
You know, Peter and Amy speak the world of you two, and Trevor is such a unique and beautiful child.
Yes.
Yes, we like to think so.
Yeah, I guess we'll keep him.
What do you mean? Have there been behavioral issues? Oh, no, no, no.
He's joking.
- Yes.
I'm joking.
- He kids around all the time.
Occupational hazard.
Oh, that's right.
Floyd, you're a comedian.
That's me.
That must be quite a lucrative profession.
It has its ups and downs.
Oh, but no worries here.
We have got this covered.
Oh, I'm sure you do.
No doubts whatsoever.
And as a development family, you'll have plenty of opportunities to contribute to Broken Arrow's future.
You, uh Yeah, the future thing, that's cool, but what's this "developmental family"? Like, what's that all about? Like we a third world country or something? No, no.
Quite the contrary.
Development families are high-income families that contribute beyond their tuition to send children from low-income households to Broken Arrow.
Oh.
Got it.
- Oh.
- I see.
Exactly how many lower income children are we talking about here? Well, that depends on your earnings, of course, but I would imagine that as a successful comedian who's just filmed a major motion picture and booked a hot pilot that you could make a sizeable contribution to Broken Arrow's community and enrich the lives of a number of less-fortunate children.
Sounds like a Ponzi scheme to me.
God dang.
Okay.
Yeah, you're joking again.
- No, I'm deadass.
- Joking.
Deadass joking.
Okay.
It's a good one.
I'm not working my ass off to send a whole bunch of little ghetto brats and thots in training to school, Sadie.
Can we talk about this later, please? Yeah, we can talk about it later.
It ain't gonna change a damn thing.
I'm not building these motherfuckers a new wing.
Keep your voice down.
Be nice.
Okay.
Maybe I shouldn't have worn the suit.
I'm hot and itchy, and I feel like people are judging me.
- No.
- Yes, they are judging you.
Up here looking like you selling bean pies for the Nation.
- Okay.
- What the - Cool suit.
- Thanks.
- You're not like other boys.
- You got that right.
You're gonna have a hard time here.
- What? - Uh, okay - Be nice, sweetheart.
- What? Sorry.
No, why don't you go show Trevor around the campus? - Go play.
- Okay.
What are you sitting there for? Let's go.
- Cute.
- So precious.
- Oh, Lord.
Um, darling, darling.
- What? Moment of complete honesty? - Moment of complete honesty.
- I-I think it's a little early for the old, uh, bye-bye-pain juice.
It's a picnic.
Yes, well, you know how you get.
I'd like to join you.
See? Sadie's my girl.
- Thank you, Sadie.
- Do you want red or white? - Oh, you have both? - Mm-hmm.
White.
Wow.
What is this, uh, "moment of complete honesty" shit? Oh, it's a marvelous couples therapy tool.
After that incident at the dinner party the other night Oh, God, yes.
Apologies.
That was not our finest hour, was it, darling? Really, really wasn't.
We decided that we needed a tune-up.
You guys ever do couples therapy? - Oh.
- Oh, no.
You know, therapy's not really big - in the black community, so - Really? Well, you might still be together.
I don't think so.
Really does give you the tools to, uh, thrive and survive as a couple in the modern world, doesn't it, darling? It does.
Well, you two are clearly crushing it.
Oh, that is so sweet.
Thank you.
Oh, what is it that you do, Sadie? - I'm a-a singer.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, she's a beast.
I mean, voice of an angel.
So like my Amy.
Beast of an agent, angel on my arm, whore in the bedroom.
Okay, Peter, moment of complete honesty.
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Moment of complete honesty.
You're being really weird and Asperger-y, and you're bugging the shit out of me.
Understood.
I'm sorry.
- Anyway, I-I'm I-I sing.
- Yeah.
I do backup backup sessions mostly.
Oh, well, then why don't I show you the music room? - Yes.
- Okay.
- Actually, it's named after us.
- Oh, wow.
So, Floyd, do you mind if I spirit away your baby mama? Well, I am not my baby mama's keeper.
In fact, Amy, why don't you, uh, give Floyd one of your patented tours? She's brilliant at them.
She's like the docent of the school.
- You'd love it.
- Oh, okay.
Okay.
Right now? Here I go.
Okay.
- Just got to go.
Thank you.
- This way, Sadie.
- Be gentle with him.
- Always.
Hey, Floyd.
Hello, Amy.
Alone again at last.
What the fuck is up with you two? What do you mean? That was the dinner party from hell.
Mm.
Yeah.
Well, out in the real world, we make picture-perfect sense as a Hollywood couple.
I mean, it's like we were genetically bred to be together, right? But at home, behind closed doors, we're a fucking disaster.
I mean, we're a real mess.
We've got nothing in common.
We've got nothing to say to each other.
What are we gonna do? Are we gonna get divorced? I mean, how fucking depressing is that? Besides, do you know how complicated it is to get divorced when you're rich? It is a pain in the ass, dude.
Oh! Come with me.
I want to show you something.
I don't bite.
Come on.
Don't be scared.
- Ah! - You got it! Where is it? Something This is it.
Robotics lab.
Thanks to the crips, we got ourselves a nice, solid hum spot.
Listen, that night was really fucking fun.
Trust me, I got it all stored up here in my wank bank, but that was before I knew what was up, and now we're here at my kid's new school, and Did you just bite my nipple? Doesn't that make it just a teensy-weensy bit more naughty? You know what, you're crazy in a good way and you're nothing if not smoking hot Mm oh, Jesus.
Oh, God.
- No, we-we but-but - But what? Go away! I think we should get going.
- What? - I need to use the bathroom.
Well, you don't have to be so rude and entitled about it.
You still have to wait for everybody else to finish their business.
But I but I have to These fucking kids.
Have you ever seen such entitlement? You need Jesus.
Well, now the spell's broken.
Place gives me blue balls.
Oh, I'm sorry, Amy, there's been an incident.
Okay, yes, I did make that kid cry, but the sooner he learns that being a gimp doesn't make him "special," the better off he's gonna be.
No.
No, Amy, there's been an incident with our children.
Oh.
Mrs.
Gonsalves-Mestres, I am sure this is all just a big misunderstanding.
Found these two kissing under a tree.
They were going at it pretty hot and heavy.
Did he take advantage of you, Maddie? No way.
This girl is thirsty.
Okay, let's get straight to the truth, children, because the quicker we get to the truth, the sooner we can launch a successful repair.
Hold on, it gets better.
I also found this.
Oh, dear God.
These are my car keys.
He made me do it.
You are such a liar! Straight to the truth, children.
He took me on a stealing spree, and then he grabbed me and kissed me.
I did not! God, that sounds so romantic.
- What? - Hmm? She was the one stealing all the stuff.
I tried to talk her out of it, and then she told me I was a pussy if I didn't kiss her.
- Oh, that's nice.
- Oh, "pussy.
" Hmm.
Interesting.
Okay, can you give us a moment to talk about this amongst ourselves, children? Break.
Well, um this is extremely disturbing, at least for my poor little girl.
Okay, my son isn't perfect, all right, but he doesn't lie.
- And he does not steal.
- Nor does our daughter.
- Well - No, she doesn't lie, Amy.
Peter, remember that phase she went through? The thing with the PE teacher? She said he was looking at her weird, and it made her feel creepy.
It turns out he just he had a lazy eye, and we almost ruined that guy's life.
Okay, cooler heads shall prevail.
Let's just take some time.
Let's reevaluate.
I'm sorry, reevaluate what, exactly? Yeah, this isn't gonna change anything with Trevor, right? Well, honestly, until the smoke clears, we just don't know what we're dealing with here.
Oh, come on.
You to be quite honest, I mean, I think we may have been a little hasty in putting in a good word.
I mean, we don't really know Trevor, and we might find that this is not really - the ideal environment for him.
- Okay, my son doesn't lie.
He doesn't steal, and he for sure doesn't - grab girls and kiss them.
- No way.
But maybe because he's black Oh, really? You're gonna pull that card.
Okay, that is not what this is about.
This is a colorblind environment.
Are you sure about that? 'Cause I don't see a lot of dark skin out in the yard.
You don't? Well, I mean, listen.
That's why we're excited to have you here, because you know Listen, as a POC myself POC? Woman, ain't a damn thing POC about you, okay? You are whiter than the state of Iowa shoved up Martha Stewart's ass.
Well.
See, this is, um, why it's important not to judge a book by its cover, Floyd, because I am Irish.
I am German.
I am Polish.
I am one-eighth Native American There it is.
and my husband is Hispanic.
- They've met him.
- So handsome.
- And a lovely, lovely hombre.
- Thank you.
So you're POC by injection.
Okay, look, we are mainly concerned about creating a safe school for all of your youngsters.
Well, it seems to me like you've already made up your mind about this, but if this fucked up situation in any way affects my son's admissions status, I will sue your German, Polish, Irish, Injun ass.
Well, actually, if-if this situation is not resolved to our satisfaction, any contributions we make to this school will dry up faster than a menopausal nun.
All right, Peter, we-we may need to accept the fact that this all could be Maddie's doing.
No, no, no, no.
Not-not my little angel.
She's getting to the age where she's starting to be interested in boys.
Maybe she saw something she liked, - and she went for it.
- Yeah.
Like mother, like daughter.
- Wait, what - Hmm? what does that mean? Nothing.
Um all right.
Moment of complete honesty, Amy? Oh, Peter, I don't think this is the time or the place.
Moment of complete honesty.
Is Floyd the man with whom you cuckolded me? Peter, I don't know what you're doing right now.
We're having a meeting about Okay, moment of complete honesty, Amy.
Is Floyd the big black stud you used your hall pass on? Moment of complete honesty, Peter, shut the fuck up.
What are they talking about, Floyd? Who knows? Those two are whacked out of their skulls.
Did you sleep with her? - What? No.
- I knew it.
I knew there was something weird going on, right? - I could feel it.
- Okay.
- I'm always right.
- Hi, I'm still here.
- This is unbelievable.
- Still here.
Why don't we get back to the issue at hand? Do you mind? Just do it.
The truth will set you free.
Okay.
I lied.
I tried to bully Trevor into acting out with me, but he wouldn't do it.
I did it all.
It felt good.
I like to act out.
Then I bullied him into kissing me using words I've heard my mom say.
This also felt good.
I'm sorry not sorry, because I had a lot of fun today.
- You're so brave.
- No, it's not a good thing.
I'm sorry, Trevor.
You're a good man.
And cute too.
Thanks for being honest, Maddie.
You're a dime piece yourself.
Yeah.
Boo-yah.
And y'all better talk about kicking her delinquent ass out of school, 'cause my kid ain't do shit, and you were talking about revoking him, and you know what? I'm not donating a dollar to your dumbass school, and I want a serious discount on tuition to reflect our pain and suffering.
Safe school, my ass.
Uh, moment of complete honesty? I-I'm not entirely un-aroused by this turn of events.
I knew that's where you were gonna go with this.
Let's go.
- Special girl.
- Let's come sit.
- Come on, family cuddle.
- Come sit.
Outside.
Now.
Let's go.
Trevor.
- Au revoir, Floyd.
- Fuck you.
Okay.
Man, um, I'm sorry, guys.
- No, no, don't you say that.
- No.
You didn't do a damn thing wrong, little ninja.
Yeah, we are so proud of you, honey.
Thanks.
Except for maybe this suit, though.
I still ain't digging this whole thing.
Honey, why don't you go wait in the car for us? - Okay.
- Hey, hey.
Oh, right.
You know how to open it, right? Yeah.
What the fuck were you thinking? What are you talking about? I handled that shit.
You created that shit.
You slept with that crazy bitch, and then you tried to lie to me about it.
You don't need to know everything about that.
Ain't like you tell me everything about your personal life.
I don't cause chaos in my family, okay? You're fucking with married white women now? Is that your thing? I didn't know she was married, Sadie! - It was a stupid mistake.
- Oh, you didn't know? But at least it's nice to be fucking wanted for a change.
- Keep your voice - Oh, yeah.
- You think I care about them? - Oh, poor baby.
The fuck you looking at, Orlando Bloom? Can you please you think it's all about you, don't you? Maybe you're just jealous, all right? I am not jealous.
That is bullshit.
Yeah, it's fine when you want to move on, but when I want to do it, it's a problem.
I am not jealous; I am pissed at you for fucking with our kid's life.
I didn't know I was fucking with my kid's life, Sadie! Shit, who you think got him in this school in the first place? This whole situation is very complicated, which makes it hard to assign any blame.
You can rationalize this all you want to, Floyd.
The fact is, your kid is now wrapped up in some weird shit - of your making.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
- I hope it was worth it.
- Yeah, it was worth it.
Fuck you.
Shit.
Everything's out in the open now, man.
That's a good thing.
How you figure? No more secrets, man.
No more lies.
Shit, tomorrow is a brand-new fucking day.
Put your head down, do the work, get back to the business of being fucking funny.
It's what you do best, man.
Hey.
How do I look? Like a million fucking bucks.
You a dime piece, Balls.
You want to come with us? We're going down to Koreatown to try this place that Jonathan Gold raved about.
Nah, man.
You know what, you go and have some fun.
I don't want to be the third wheel while you're trying to get some stank on your hang-low.
You know what you should do? You should go down to the J-Spot, work this shit out onstage, motherfucker.
Would that I could.
I got to go over these fucking lines, man.
Teddy wants me off-book by tomorrow.
Hey, you want me to cancel? I'll stay home, smoke a bowl, run lines? Get from round here! And go forth and smash that little foodie ass.
You prick! You fucking con! Motherfucker! Let me tell you something, Peter, you fuck.
I am going to fuck you so deep, so proper, right up the fucking ass that one of two things is going to happen: either your entire fucking rectum is gonna come out with me, and the only way to tuck it back in there is to shove a fucking potato up your ass for the rest of your life! Or every time you take a shit, you are gonna piss out a pint of blood, and when you look down at your bloody fucking stool, you're gonna see my face smiling.
Maybe all those things are gonna happen! This isn't over! Not by a fucking long shot, you fuck! Man.
- What the shit.
- That felt good.
- Fuck that phone.
- What the fuck is going on? They shut us down.
- They pulled the plug.
- Peter? Yeah, that motherfucking network prick suit grinning fool motherfucker.
Never trust the Brits, Floyd.
They're still pissed at us.
Wait, s-so he can just do that? So it's over? No, it's not over.
It's never over.
I-I will resurrect this project or I will exact my revenge on that motherfucker.
Either way, it's a win fucking win! Maybe I shouldn't have shit in his pool.
You know, maybe maybe that was too much.
It just it felt so good.
Is that what he said? No, it was all budget and bullshit and business and racial sensitivity and optics.
Oh, and he doesn't think that you are a star.
Sorry, man, this is all my fault.
No, don't you say sorry.
That's how the terrorists win.
They want you to doubt yourself.
You're a fucking star, Floyd.
We are gonna ride this thing out together, or I'm gonna fucking die trying, man.
That's the least I could do for you signing up - with me, man.
- Yeah, but it's Ooh, wait till you get a load of these apples.
He thinks that Robbie, that green-eyed bandit, is the fucking star, And Gwen, the fucking nanny he's putting 'em into some interracial Mad About You reboot he's cooking up.
Motherfuck him and fuck Ed Sheeran! Fuck in him the ass! Floyd, get out of here.
I got to get my dick sucked; otherwise, my heart's gonna explode.
You got to I got to get the poison out, you know? Otherwise it-it rots on the inside.
You should do the same thing too.
You're a good kid.
I'll be in touch.
and you're gonna be fucked! Come on, don't do this.
Don't hey! Watch where the fuck you're going.
Malcolm, I was just about to call you, man.
- What the fuck is going on? - You tell me, Floyd.
- I think I just got fired.
- You too? - I just got fired.
- What? - Yeah.
Amy fired my ass.
- Why? I don't know, she said something about it wasn't working out and things got awkward.
- Wait.
Wait, wait.
- Fuck, she was cold.
- Wait, am I still her client? - No.
But I'm allowed to take you with me.
She's keeping Robbie.
Fuck.
I can't believe this is happening.
Yeah, well, not to rub salt in an already gaping gunshot wound, but I just got off the phone with Stu Beggs.
They cut your part out of the movie.
What the actual fuck? Yeah, man, when it rains, it jizzes all over our fucking faces, but that's why we are a couple of come-guzzling sluts, am I right? We chug it down.
We just Right? Okay, okay, okay.
Bright side this shit, Malcolm.
Floyd, you are the greatest comedic talent of your generation, and you have an agent who is willing to slay dragons for you right here, right now, at the drop of a dime.
I'm going to meet with Teddy, and we're gonna strategize.
You don't worry.
I got your back.
Ride or die, homey.
Ride or fucking die.