Whitney s01e05 Episode Script

I'm just saying, if it's your favorite shirt, treat it right, and give it a bath.
But, yeah, it's an outer shirt.
I only have to wash it, like, once every five wearings.
What is an outer shirt? I wear a shirt under it so the outer shirt doesn't get dirty.
It's like how you wear underwear so you don't have to wash your jeans.
You never wash your jeans? No.
[Laughs.]
Oh, my God, get off the couch right now.
Your brother is sleeping here this weekend, and you just gave him hepatitis "a," "b," and "c.
" Now, washing jeans changes the shape and fit.
Uh, you know what else changes the shape and the fit? Losing your leg to a staph infection.
Whitney, I'm a grown man.
I can deal with my own jeans, okay? There it is.
The tone.
- What tone? - That tone.
The now-Whitney I-know-everything tone.
Well, all I said is that I was a grown man, I can deal with my own jeans.
What, I don't get it.
My God, that is not at all how you said it.
[Mocking tone.]
Whitney, I didn't sound like that, okay? [Laughs.]
Oh, my God.
No, you use that condescending tone.
You sound like Al Gore.
What, wait, I don't know what you're talking about.
I did not use a tone.
Yeah, you did.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I wish you could hear yourself.
I did not use a tone, okay? Okay, why would I make that up? Well, I don't even know what we're talking about.
What are we fighting about anyway? I don't know.
Yes, I do.
Your jeans, okay? Your funky ass, maggoty jeans.
Okay, well then.
You know what? Let me be the reasonable one and, uh, deal with this.
I'm an adult.
[Clears throat.]
[Shrieks.]
Is that better? Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
And then we start fighting, and he starts taking this condescending tone with me that is so annoying.
Oh, I know the tone.
I hate the tone.
[Mocking tone.]
"Mark Jordan would be nothing without pippen, okay?" See, that's it.
I'm not crazy.
And then we never get to actually finish a fight because we start fighting about the tone, which is not healthy because we're fighting about the way we're fighting, and then we get stuck in fighting infinity.
It's like Inception.
When we fight, Lily quotes Adele lyrics.
And then denies it.
She tries to pass them off as her own thoughts.
Uh, I think the real problem is that you know Adele lyrics.
Sorry, I was caught up at the office.
I got to fire somebody.
Uh, I mean, I had to fire somebody.
What was weird.
[Laughs.]
Roxanne, what was that thing when you were married that Lance used to do during fights? You mean, when he'd get quieter and quieter? And then accuse me of raising my voice? [As lance.]
"Babe, why are you yelling?" See, this is the kind of thing that if it keeps happening, it will fester.
Yeah, until eventually you wind up paying him to not be married to you.
I just wish I had it on tape so I could prove to him that he does it.
You know, I am a police officer.
There is a way to make this happen.
What do you mean? A surveillance camera in your place to bust Alex using the tone.
A renegade cop who plays by his own rules? Oh, my God, Whit You would be living out a fantasy shared by every person who's ever been in a serious relationship.
And it couldn't be easier.
It's a tiny camera.
He will never know.
I've done this 100 times for work and twice for fun.
I'm sorry, isn't this completely illegal, immoral, and insane? This is perfect for you.
I can't.
I can't do that.
[Mocking tone.]
Whitney? Ugh, fine.
I'm in.
This time the camera's gonna record everything that happens, so don't block it.
Okay, I got this.
I watch To Catch a Predator.
Now he is not going to do the tone unless he's annoyed with you.
Are you sure you're going to get into a fight? Mark, I only have two skills: Starting fights with him, and that thing I do to get out of fights with him.
Okay, what time is Alex going to be back? Uh, not for a while.
He's out shopping for his brother's big visit.
Brian can be kind of judgmental, so Alex spent all morning hiding his hair products.
The feed is hooked up to my television.
So I'm going to be downstairs, looking out for the tone.
Now don't let the camera affect you.
Just act natural.
If you wna take your shift off, take your shirt off.
Please leave.
Fine.
Oh, remember.
You gotta do this tonight.
They don't even know that I have this equipment.
It has to be back by tomorrow morning.
I thought you said it was no big deal.
It's not.
If I get it back by tomorrow morning.
Go get him.
[Laughs.]
You don't need to be here.
This is an official police investigation.
Hey, if I ever have to call the police, am I allowed to request not you? Yeah, that happens all the time.
Mark, uh, we're here because, as you can imagine, Whitney started to feel mildly Both: Skeeved That you were watching her all the time so she's hiding in the bedroom until we got here.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Those are for the trick-or-treaters.
Check it out.
Full sized candy bars.
I'm going to be a hero.
If only there was another way for a cop to be a hero.
I just texted her.
There she is! Hi, Whitney.
You look pretty.
She's fluffing the pillows.
I'm loving the show already.
So real.
I'm not buying it.
There's no way those two people could afford that apartment.
- Hey.
- Hi, honey.
What's up? Uh I got that ointment for you at the pharmacy, but can you call the pharmacy ahead of time next time because they think that I'm this weirdo Oh, you know what, uh [Laughs.]
Thank you for getting me that ointment for that totally normal thing in that regular place.
Oh, uh, hey, I also got Check it out.
New tennies everybody loves brand new tennies shiny new tennies Mr.
Left says to Mrs.
Right Oh.
What? - What are you doing? - What do you mean? Do your part.
Mr.
Left says to Mrs.
Right? Uh, I do not know what this song is.
I got new tennis shoes.
Why are you acting weird? I'm so happy that we share the same feet Mwah.
[Chuckles.]
That is intense.
She has to play along.
That's it, Whitney.
Don't raise suspicions.
New tennies, everybody loves them new tennies Okay, now see, if Glee was real, this is how uncomfortable it would be.
Babe, did you notice? I did some laundry.
Did you did you wash my jeans? I did, and I dried them on high for, like, 80 minutes.
No, no, no, no.
Now, I can't do my stuff.
What are you What are you doing? This is terrible.
This is Ah Does it look weird? Because I'm, like this is touching me in all the wrong areas.
[Silently.]
I'm sorry.
It's, like, chaffing.
Take it easy, black swan.
Had to wash them because they were dirty.
[Mocking tone.]
Whitney Yes? [Knocking on door.]
No! No, no, no! Don't get that! Please, baby, you were saying The way you were saying it! Oh! She almost had it.
- Hmm.
- Brian.
Virgin.
Oh, the brother.
Unexpected twist.
No, no, no, no, no.
This would jeopardize the whole operation.
Get him out of there! Get him out! God, you look more and more like dad every day.
Yeah, you look more and more like mom.
Is that a perm? Yeah, well, here's my brother.
- Hi, Brian.
- Give me a hug.
Oh, thank you.
You are three hours early.
That's so convenient for me.
Wow, so this is what an Internet mogul's apartment looks like.
This place is a palace.
Seems awful big for two people.
Well, it's just a You know, a one bedroom.
But anyway, so how's the family? Kids are kids, wife is wife, you know, they're all back in New Jersey so they are good.
What about you guys? When are you going to make an honest man out of this guy right here? Ah, oh, Brian.
Always on the marriage train.
Choo-choo.
Hey, so, uh, what happened to that big convention thing that you were supposed to go to? Are you making fun of me? Well, no.
That's why you're here.
Oh, yeah, I decided to blow off the cocktail party.
There's nothing more boring than small talk about office furniture.
You know what? You should probably go to that cocktail party.
I mean, networking is a really big part of getting ahead in the office supply biz game.
I don't know, it's all the way up at the radisson.
Oh, the radisson.
That place is off the chain and hook.
They do have free booze.
Aw, man.
What are you still doing here? I mean, you can head up there, and you know, just get busy.
Oh, and you know, you only get once chance to make a first impression.
[Laughs.]
You're not wrong about that.
I know.
You should go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You should go.
Ah, well, I'll drive you there.
No! N-n-no.
No, no, no.
You sh you should stay.
I'll take him over there.
[Groans.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
He can take a cab, you know, the traffic is really bad right now.
[Mocking tone.]
Whitney, I know how to deal with traffic, okay? No, I didn't hear what you just said.
Could you come say it in the living room? [Groans.]
Oh, you almost had it with the jeans.
I know.
Brian is killing my game.
Right, we wanted to let you know we're running out to get food because all mark had in his fridge are runts and icy hot.
Whit, you were doing a great job.
I would have killed you by now.
Aw, thank you.
I know exactly what I'm going to do.
Alex hates it when I leave notes asking him to do things.
Last time I did this, he did the tone all weekend.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Sorry.
You know what? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Alex has got this.
"Clean up almonds.
" [Knocking on door.]
It's open.
You took long enough with the food.
Hey, dude.
Dude! I just dropped my brother off, and I want to know No, no, no, no, no, man.
Uh Is that my apartment? How what? You know, I think that is.
Well, that's weird.
Mark? It was Whitney, she made me do it! She's a monster! What are you doing? Are you spying on me? No Kind of.
Listen.
Listen, let me explain.
Whitney said you use this condescending tone when you guys fight.
What? No, I don't.
- That's - Yeah, that's what I said.
Yeah.
You don't use a tone.
But she forced me to go down to the police station and check out surveillance equipment and install it in your apartment.
Man, I was so scared.
So she had you check out cameras and put them in my apartment to make some kind of point about the way I fight? Yes, she's a point-proving monster! No, no, no.
Those are You know what? You can have one.
Yeah, go ahead.
Well, obviously, man.
I'm going to shut this whole thing down.
[Sighs.]
Wait, hold on.
What if you don't shut it down? Exactly.
What if I don't shut it down? Wait, what are you talking about? Hi, honey hey.
Did you notice the note I left you on the door? Uh, yeah.
It says, "tighten doorknob.
" That's a that's a good idea, you know.
It's kind of loose.
Yeah, okay.
I'll get right on that.
Uh, I also took the liberty of pointing out some other jobs that I'd love for you to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"Polish bike, add bell.
" Okay, cool.
I'm into that.
"Less rocks, more shells.
" That's a weird one, but I'll do it.
- And this one just says, "more.
" - Mm-hmm.
I feel like you can try harder, just, like, in general.
Hmm.
Yeah.
Hey.
You know what? I have an idea.
Remember that birthday coupon you gave me and said that I could redeem for a free lap dance any time I wanted? I want to kind of want to do that right know.
Oh, you know what? Um, that expired.
Oh, but everybody knows birthday coupons don't expire.
Why don't you, uh Why don't you dance for me, Whitney? [Club music.]
You know what? I'm good.
Oh, hey, look.
Don't even think.
Just dance.
You know what? Bad back.
- Should not do that.
- Oh? Yeah, is that right? Oh, hey, Whit.
Why do you keep looking over there? What's the deal? Uh, it's just I saw a ghost.
Well, is something going on? I don't understand.
What? Are you embarrassed? I mean, it's just us.
It makes me feel, like, suspicious.
No, there's nothing suspicious.
- I'll dance for you.
- Oh, okay.
For sure.
Cool.
Could you maybe do it sexier than that? Put your hips into it.
Drop it like it's hot.
Ah! Make it clap.
Look, uh Come over here.
Closer.
Come on.
It's called a lap dance for a reason.
Go ahead.
Come on, let your body rock.
Come come closer.
Lower.
Let it down more.
Let Less like you're working out.
Down, go down.
Yeah, there you go.
All right, cool.
Okay.
No, no, no.
Don't don't We should turn this off.
Yeah, we should.
This is humiliating.
At least give her a dollar.
[Groans.]
Hey Whit, Whit, uh I know about the camera.
- What? - Oh, my God.
- No! - Shocking.
How could he find out there was a camera? [Whispering.]
Shocking.
I can't believe you put a camera in our apartment.
Oh, I can't believe you know I put a camera in our apartment.
I know because you were stupid enough to team up with mark.
I just wanted to catch the tone.
There is no tone! Yes, there is.
I can't believe You know, this is even crazy for you.
- Okay? - Okay, I'm sorry.
- I can do the tone! - There's no tone.
Is anybody naked? Ah, ah! Brian, yay.
Oh, come on in.
We probably shouldn't talk about this until Brian leaves.
So how long are you staying? What, like a week or two? I'm a little drunk.
You guys are in the middle of something.
- No, we're not.
- Yeah, no, we kind of are.
We're not at all.
You know what, I'm not even here.
I'm just going to shoot off an email on your computer There's a little cocktail party follow-up you know, "networking.
" All right, what You know, can I just Let me set you up, first.
Oh, la, la.
Looks like this business center has a concierge.
No, I I just want it to make sure it was saved before it was closed, that's all.
[Mocking tone.]
Ah, Alex, believe it or not, I've used a computer before.
Even a really expensive one like this one, okay? [Mocking tone.]
Yeah, okay, buddy.
I just I want to make sure that's everything saved before I close it, okay? [Mocking tone.]
I could not care less about your files, okay? Great.
Oh, my God.
You guys both do the tone.
That is the tone.
No, I didn't do a tone, he did a tone.
[Laughs.]
I didn't do a tone.
I said I could care less about your files.
You're the guy with the tone.
All I said was I wanted to close some files.
That's it, man.
Yeah, but you said it like a jackass.
Okay, well, you said it like a condescending jerk.
Okay, golden boy.
Man, would you let up for one second? Hey, hey, hey.
Oh, my God! All: Oh.
Knock it off! What are you doing? Ow hurts! What are you doing? You're hitting yourself, you're hitting yourself.
Oh! I'm not! You're manipulating my hands! Name ten candy bars! Okay, uh, snickers Snickers! S-n-I-c-k-e-r-s! Okay, name nine candy bars! Name nine candy bars! Three musketeers! No! It has to be short.
Twix, mounds, heath! Should we go up there? We can't.
If I know anything as a cop, it's do not get involved.
Okay, you guys.
You're both wrong, okay? I have it all on tape.
[Mocking tone.]
I couldn't care less about your files, okay? Oh, dude.
That sucks, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I sounded like that.
Well, you do, and now you know.
Actually, it appears to run in the family.
[Mocking tone.]
Brian, I just had some files open that I wanted to close.
Okay? Yeah, that sounds really bad.
Sorry.
You know what, I'm going to call my wife.
She's been accusing me of doing this for 20 years.
But first, I'm going to get a beer because I am losing my buzz.
So now you admit that you do the tone, and your apology is accepted.
And I bet you think that I'm the only one in this relationship that has an annoying habit when we argue.
Yeah, pretty much, I mean Wow.
Okay, I'll admit I definitely do the tone, but you do have an annoying habit when we argue.
No, I don't.
What? Uh, you go to crazy, invasive, potentially illegal extremes just to prove a point.
Name one time.
Name two times.
Alex, come on.
It's starting.
So you told them you turned off the camera, but you didn't? Exactly.
That is horrible.
And thank you.
Alex, seriously.
Come on.
Who's that? What is this? Oh, my God.
Whitney? Whitney, behind you! Oh, my God! Whitney! [Screaming.]
Wait a minute.
That's Alex.
They're messing with us.
[Knocking on door.]
- [Laughs.]
- I can't believe it.
Hey, guys.
What's up? Oh, my God! Both: Happy Halloween! - What? - Oh, my Is there something wrong with you? That's your idea of funny?