Wild West (2002) s01e05 Episode Script

(NO SOUND ) You got Essex, meaning east sex, or county, Wessex, west sex, and Sussex, south sex.
So where's your Nussex? Then you got Suffolk and Norfolk, which is south and north folk - But there's no Effolk or Weffolk.
- No.
- What is she saying? - just something about Dunno.
- How does Daphne feel about being deaf? - She likes it.
lt sharpens the other senses.
She's got a phenomenal sense of touch.
lf you put something in her hand, she can tell what it is within two seconds.
And she could smell for England.
She can tell which cheese is in a cheese sandwich wrapped in a bag inside a tin inside a basket inside another basket.
Ask a hearing person to do that and he wouldn't know there's any cheese at all.
So she doesn't know what you sound like, does she? - No.
- For all she knows, - you could sound like a 12-year-old boy.
- She knew the risks going into the marriage.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
You're rocking.
You've got beads of sweat on your forehead.
- l haven't.
- No, 'cause you wiped them away.
- Anyone can do that! - l'm fine.
- ls it another one of your panic attacks? - l didn't panic.
l saw a bear outside the window.
Anyone would have reacted the way l did.
When we came into the pub, you were OK.
So what is it? ls it old jeff here and his amazing bionic wife that's freaking you out? - No! - ls it that little old lady over there? - Noooooooooo! - Oh, oh, oh.
What's wrong with her? - lt's Miss Peppard! - Miss who? lt's my headmistress.
- She's all right! - Yeah, well, she's not.
- She's evil! - What did she do to you? Nothing.
Nothing.
l'm fine.
lt was a long time ago.
Come on! Come on, tell me.
l wanna know! l care about you, Ange.
Ange.
- Aaange.
- l'm not telling you.
- All right, l'll go and ask her myself.
- Don't go over to her! Then, tell me! Did she put her hand down your front? - Shut up! - l'll ask her.
Don't! Now, l am going home and l will see you later.
- All right, Angela? - Yeah, fine.
Hello, everyone.
99, please, jeff.
- What's in the bag? Something witchy? - Sort of.
- Owls' scrotums? - No.
ln a bag made from a dried placenta? lt's a body-piercing kit.
l was going to offer piercing but l need to get a licence.
- Are you giving it away? - l'll have to.
l'll have it.
- We'll offer pierces in the shop.
- You need to go on a course or it's illegal.
Yep.
Course.
- What did she say then? - just something about l've no idea.
'Ere, jeff, what do you know about that little old biddy over there? - Miss Peppard? - Yeah.
She's staying upstairs for a few days.
Goes for walks, smells of lavender.
Likes her bacon.
Drives a little Peugeot.
Occasionally That's enough.
So she doesn't strike you as evil? Did she tell you off in front of the school? - l don't want to talk about her.
- Did she use Big johnny on you? The strap? Or the slipper, Little johnny? Come on! This woman has got to you! We should share our problems.
lt's a very painful memory for me.
Do you want me to dredge up your traumatic times? Your dad picking you up from school in his swimming trunks? That's the point.
l have shared that intimate distress with you.
Since then you've shared it with fuckin' everybody! So now, l feel better about it.
Do you see? Come on, Ange! Ange, Ange, Ange! l've got something to show you! You won't believe it.
You will not believe this.
l got it today.
What do you think it is? Apiercing kit for piercing! Look at this! Make my day! Pah! Pah! That's for killing my mom.
My go.
Pah! That's for locking me in the airing cupboard when l was three.
- l want it.
- That's true about the airing cupboard.
l know.
Move and l'll put a ring in your nipple! Pah! Do you wanna do it? Shall we actually do it? OK! l've got to load it up.
- lt's ready to go now.
Where do you want it? - ln you.
- Somewhere in you.
- No.
- Go on, have a ring in your knee.
- No! l don't want to - NO! l don't want to be penetrated! - We've hit a nerve there! SHUT UP! Give me that if you don't want it.
All right.
Miss Peppard was a sadist.
She hated me in particular for some reason.
You knew when she was in a dangerous mood.
When she wore her black cloak round her shoulders like a Like a Like a towel? - No.
- Like a poncho? - Like a bat's - Bat's - .
.
wings.
- .
.
wings.
There were rumours.
They said she fought in Vietnam.
l don't know if that was true.
What did she do to you? Loads of things.
Mainly psychological, you know.
She'd call me into her office and just stare at me.
Make me face the wall and stand on one leg.
Small things on the surface, but then Then one day, l can still remember it so clearly Yeah? She made me do a cross-country run in my underwear.
l must have been 16, when you're most self-conscious, obsessed with your body, you think your thighs could support a large bridge, breasts like strange visitors on your chest.
l'd forgotten my running kit, so she said, ''You're not getting away with it.
''You'll do the run in your bra and pants.
'' lt was like one of those nightmares where you're, well, doing a run in your underwear.
l wanted the earth to open up.
A month hasn't gone by when l haven't thought of that day.
And now she's here, where l live, and l just can't handle it.
Do you want me to pierce her to death? Shall l? Pierce! Pierce! ''Eat lead, you retired, grey-haired old schoolteacher!'' She's just a harmless little old lady.
lmagine her naked.
You do that when you're scared of someone.
- No, that's when you want to shag someone.
- You don't know her! - She may be planning some outrage now! - Let it go.
lmagine that you're on a ship, OK? - She is your past life and you're sailing - l want HER on the ship.
- Get her on the ship.
- Right, she is on a ship.
You're on the land and she's sailing away, leaving you for ever.
Off she goes, into the distance.
Goodbye! Goodbye! - She's coming back! - She isn't.
- She forgot her luggage! - No, they checked it into the wrong cabin.
And off she goes again.
Goodbye! - Goodbye! - OK.
- OK.
- Good.
Well done.
(GLASS SMASHES) - Hello, Angela.
- Hello, jeff.
- What can l get you? - Er, nothing, thanks.
- So what are you here for, then? - Could l have a look upstairs? - Why? - l used to know your guest, Miss Peppard.
l just wantedto see how she is.
- You could ask her.
- l don't wanna ask her! Sorry.
l don't want to ask her.
l'd rather rummage through her things.
- Why? - l'm scared of her.
After all these years, l'm very scared.
And l'm angry.
So l just l'm furious, actually.
So l want to reassure myself that she really is just a harmless little old lady.
l hear Mary's got a body piercing kit.
l fancy a ring through my penis.
- Can l have the key to upstairs? - Sure.
Take the pass key.
ln return, maybe l can borrow your piercing kit.
Perhaps Mary would like to do it to me.
Thanks.
Daphne's not averse to a clitoral piercing.
Shall l finish your room later? Oh! No, it's OK, you can finish up now.
Actually, it's sort of done, isn't it? All right! (HUMMlNG) That's £2.
60, please.
- Do you accept euros? - Yeah.
Euros, dollars, Moroccan jumping beans, the Burmese nog Bring 'em all down! No, we don't! We do piercings, though, if you - Right? - Ta.
Holly, l got a special offer for you.
- Oh? - lt's a piercing.
lt's only a tenner! - But l gave you the machine.
- First one's cheap, to get the ball rolling.
lf it don't go septic, l'll take a photo to put on my board as an example.
Come here, let's have a look.
Let's have a look at you.
You're already a bit of a colander.
We'll do your belly button.
- You haven't been on the course.
- Fix this - Have you read the instructions? - Dull people read instructions.
Yep, that goes in there.
OK.
Loaded.
Have you got an inny or an outy? Or is it like my old school friend jenny's? Hers looked like a lizard in a bowl of custard.
- Mine isn't like other people's.
- Don't be silly! just put that down.
- Look, we'll just do your tongue instead.
- lt's not sterile! - Sterile? - Don't! Don't be famous, then! - Heard any more about Angela? - Yeah.
She made her run just wearing her bra and pants.
That's cruel.
But what a fantastic story! l know.
l know.
- What happened? - Angela forgot her PE kit.
So this Miss Peppard punished her by sending her on a ten-mile run - watched by all and sundry in the town.
- No! Yeah, and it's freezing cold.
She's a skinny thing, shivering like a leaf.
They're jeering from the roadside, going, ''Phwoahl'' and ''Bwoahl'' and ''where's your bloody skirt?'' - So what happened? - Bloody boys threw a net over her.
- Stopped her.
- Nol - Yes.
- Carry on.
well, they drag her into a ditch.
A cold, muddy ditch and start poking her with spears.
She's trying to free herself, half nude.
Not any old spears, poison spears.
Horrible.
- A complete nightmare.
- Poor thing.
Yeah.
Poison-tipped spears just piercing Angela, l'm so sorry.
Mary was telling me about that woman.
Oh, well, you know, these things happen.
- l had a teacher - There were lots of people watching.
- God, horrible.
- You know l've been in mental institutions.
- Yeah.
- That's where it all started.
- ls it? - Oh, yeah! Oh, Ange! Oh! Ooh, hello! - Always a welcome sight, ladies together.
- Stop it! - What's the problem? - Angela's had a nasty shock.
Loud bang, was it? Has she found out something's got to be cut out of her? ls guessing not helpful? lt's personal.
Your secret's safe with me and whoever l tell! - What's that? - A body piercing kit.
Fancy an earring? l do, actually.
Pierced ears were invented by us seafaring folk.
So was scurvy.
20 quid, and l'll throw in Angie's story free.
What? No, no, no.
This is my life! Shh! - All right.
- Great.
Get it loaded.
Doesn't have to be ears.
l can whack a hole in anything.
- Like this.
That's very popular.
- Why not? - Er, should l close my eyes? - Yeah.
Can you keep yours open? OK.
Yeah.
(BANG!) lnterested in witchcraft? Sorry, did l startle you? - My fault.
l'm a bit dozy these days! - Right.
- lt's an intriguing place.
- Maybe, maybe not.
- l've heard about you.
- Oh? Not all bad, l hope! Pretty much, yeah.
l know someone who was to your school.
Goodness.
Who was that? Let's just call her Angela.
l've known several hundred Angelas.
They're often spunky girls.
- Really? - And what about you? Me? Well, l run the shop down there.
Oh.
Then you're the lynchpin of the whole village.
Well, yes, l suppose l am.
- You've got such a lovely face.
- Thank you.
l suppose l'd better let you get on.
- jolly good.
- Cheerio.
Angela's minding her own business at school, and her headmistress tells her to do cross-country in her knickers.
- Bloody 'ell.
- So she does.
16 years old.
OK.
- What the cock are you doing? - l wanted to scare her.
Well, yes, plunging her 200 foot into the sea would scare her, yes.
She ruined my life.
l was going to dangle her over the edge until she apologised.
- That's fair.
- Look, l've been talking to her.
Don't get vexed.
l think she may now actually be a rather nice and gentle sort of person.
She's getting away! She's getting away! Look! You're going to have to confront this woman properly and exorcise these demons.
- No! - OK? - No! - OK? - OK.
- OK.
- OK.
- Yeah.
OK.
No! Heel! (lNAUDlBLE WHlSPERlNG) - Hello.
- Sorry, do l know you? Yes, you do.
l was at Lady Margaret's.
Angela Phillips.
- You made me do a run in my underwear.
- Are you sure, dear? Yes.
l want an apology.
ln front of these people.
On behalf of all children who've been treated unfairly at school and possibly gone on to be slightly unbalanced.
l forgot my running kit.
So you forced me to do the run in the cold in front of the village wearing only bra and pants.
- Really? - Me in bra and pants, not the village.
l'm sorry you're upset.
l do vaguely remember something.
l used to wear purple knee-length socks.
lt was my trademark.
My best friend was Wiggy.
l was in Zoo House.
Yes, l remember now! But it wasn't really as you describe.
You were atroubled teenager.
You'd been allowed many times to miss PE.
But it was felt it would be fun for you to join the other girls on the run.
You were wearing a substantial vest which l let you run in and shorts borrowed from Lost Property.
You know what teenagers are likel They take everything to heart.
The run was actually within the school grounds, mainly because we'd had a bout of the girls stopping at the wimpy Bar and smoking.
(MUTTERlNG) No one's more self-obsessed or strange than a child.
- Yeah.
- ''Lord of the Rings'' - jeff - .
.
''Lord of the Flies''.
- jeff, want to buy a body piercing kit? - Yeah! 50 quid? Daphne! You're an evil witch! Evil witch, l hope you burn! - Steady! - She's lying! lt's typical of her! - Don't believe me? - l'm not saying anything.
- l should have chucked her off the cliff.
- Come home and l'll cook something wet.
l've got such a pounding headache! You would have.
lt's been a tense and harrowing and confusing sort of day! Come on.
We'll make liver soup, shall we? (jeff) whoal Bloody hell, Daphnel Gentlyl Oh, dammit, you can't hear mel we've got a special kind of love The kind that toughens you up That you're never sure of And it's not enough Out where the sunsets hover we tear apart each other All day, you got me going There's no way l'll let you know it That's OK 'cause we're as good as it gets ln the wild west.