Wilfred (AU) (2007) s01e05 Episode Script

I think the hard stuff's been good for us.
Mmm, yeah.
It's like the the arguments and confrontations have brought us closer together.
Helped us respect each other more.
Oh, most definitely.
Now that's taken care of, maybe Sarah and I can get down to the process of finally getting to know each other.
Get the honeymoon period we never had.
Yep.
That'd be nice.
Yeah.
Wilfred, what are you? What? What are you doing over there, mate? What? Wilfred? What? Mate, you're not pissing over the carpet, are you, mate? Cry for help, mate.
This is a bad idea.
Let's just see.
So when it come to cut, I say 'cut', not you, alright? He's shorter than what I imagined.
I'm sure if you saw him up close you'd get a better idea of him.
I'm not gonna see him up close.
What do you mean? I'm not having anything to do with this.
But you're an important part of the process, Sarah.
You're his owner.
OK, Adam, I understand.
I'm a bad owner.
Thanks for pointing that out to me on national television.
Why not just put me on 'Jerry-fucking-Springer'? Hey, hang on.
I'm sure this happens to heaps of dog owners, Sarah.
I mean, how else do you think they get enough segments to fill their show each week? Well, today we're visiting Adam and Sarah, who are having trouble with their poor old pooch, Wilfred.
Adam writes to say that Wilfred constantly sprays, digs and frets if he can't sleep on the bed.
Well, it seems like man's best mate is going through a rough old time.
And that is what we're here for, so let's go inside.
And that Cut.
And then we move.
Come this way.
Move with me when I'm walking off.
Sarah.
Here he is.
You must be Adam.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, nice of you to get all dressed up for us, mate.
Oh, you caught me a bit by surprise, actually.
A bit by surprise? Yeah.
Well, I hope we didn't wake you up.
No, no, no.
Shall we go in and meet Wilfred? Yep.
Cut.
Sorry, we're not getting any audio.
No, but seriously, mate, you could have worn some decent clobber.
You know, have a bit of self-respect.
I thought you weren't coming till 10:00.
Didn't Janice ring you? Oh, my mobile's on vibrate, so Well, that's the way it goes in the rough-and-tumble world of vet TV.
So where is he? I think he's outside at the moment.
OK, we'll leave him there for now.
Where's he been spraying? All over.
Uh, but this is the worst one, just over here.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Alright, get the camera on this.
Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Well, things are all a bit crazy here at Adam and Sarah's at the moment.
Not the ideal environment for a dog under emotional duress.
Now, has Wilfred been house-trained? Yes.
I wasn't around when it happened but I believe he has been house-trained, yes.
Yeah, see, when a dog sprays after he's been house-trained, then you know that he's trying to make some sort of a stand.
Now, the first thing that you've got to do, Adam, is to clean the whole area with an enzymatic cleaner, otherwise he's going to be spraying there long after I fix his head.
Once a toilet, always a toilet.
Alright, let's go and meet our little mate.
OK.
Wilfred! He normally comes.
Wilfred? What the fuck? Who the fuck's? What's all the fuckin' machinery? What's with the machinery? Alright, boys, keep very still here.
G'day.
My name is Dr Jack Underwood.
Yeah, I know who you are.
Seems to recognise me.
I watch the show when Adam lets me.
Settle down, Wilfred.
Oi, you chopped out that little foxie, didn't ya? We look after a lot of dogs like Wilfred.
I appreciated that.
Well, you gave him some medication.
You got any medication with you today? Problems are bad enough, I might, you know, give him some medication.
Yeah, yeah.
But only if his problems are bad enough.
I've got one big fuckin' problem.
He's got red hair, goes by the name of Adam.
Wouldn't mind a cup of tea, Adam.
Sure.
How do you have it? White with one.
Take your time.
You don't want any more information? Yeah, no, just white with one, thanks.
OK, yeah.
You alright, Wilfred? You don't know the half of it, mate.
Talk to me.
Well, it's Sarah I'm worried about.
Yep.
She's been holed up in there for days, loud music.
It's destructive.
It's a destructive relationship.
I mean, Adam could beat the shit out of me, whatever.
I don't give a fuck.
But when Sarah starts walking into doors Cameras off, thank you, boys.
This is a really important day in Wilfred's life, Sarah.
Holy guacamole! Did you dig this hole on your own? Let's just say I had some inspiration.
Alright.
Rolling.
Mick.
Wilfred, I'm here for you, mate.
Today is about you.
If you don't want me to do something, then I won't.
But let me say this - I think the people of Australia need to see this hole.
How long do you reckon it took me to dig it? No idea of how long it would have taken you to dig it.
Smart.
Very smart.
See, Adam not so smart.
Makes all sorts of 'assumations' about any number of given subjects.
Has he told you about me sleeping on the bed? Adam's got some issues which we're gonna be talking about later on today.
He hates it.
See, but I've gotta be there to stop him from naughty-boyin' Sarah.
'Cause the more he does that, the more she gets attached, leaves us both bloody vulnerable.
And we've been left vulnerable before.
But Wilfred, it's alright.
And that's when you get kicked in the guts.
Do you wanna show the people of Australia this hole? Yeah.
I do.
I-I know there's cameras around and and that's not helpful.
I-I know it's going to be on television.
And that's embarrassing.
But who really watches these kind of shows anyway? I know I know we do, but we watch everything.
I think you should be out there with your dog, Sarah.
What a beauty, huh? This hole took about six days to dig and they don't come much bigger than this.
Ladies and gentlemen, a dog doesn't go digging craters like this unless he's going through a pretty rough trot.
And things don't get much rougher than they are for poor old Wilfred at the moment.
But we like our challenges here at 'Pets Down-Under'.
And they don't come much bigger than this.
Do you sleep in there, Wilfred? Not if I can help it, no.
Yeah, that's 'cause you think you're What? Nothing.
Do you put any food in there to entice him, Adam? Yeah, yeah, I've put food in there.
Not pizza, I hope? No.
Why would I put pizza in there? Smells like pizza.
Pizza's Adam's solution to everything.
"Wilfred doesn't want to do something - give him pizza.
"Wilfred's got the shits - give him pizza.
" You're a one-trick pony.
It definitely smells like pizza.
I-I wouldn't have put pizza in there.
What, you're blaming Sarah now, are ya? No.
Does Sarah put pizza in there? No, no.
Adam, would you like to do us a favour? How is it in there? Cramped.
What else? Damp.
It's pretty damp.
Does it stink? And what's the smell like, Adam? Stinks a bit.
Is it scary? Could you see yourself being a little bit spooked in there? I wouldn't say spooked.
I'd like to see him in there in the middle of the night when it's cold and wet - wouldn't last one minute.
Yeah, it might be different on a cold and dark night, if you catch my drift.
Yeah, you might be right.
Am right, am right.
Cut.
Tssss.
"He says that when he works with the dog, "he likes to know its history "and what exactly happened to that dog during its life.
"'Sometimes I can get them to tell me the whole story themselves, ' he said, "'but I like to crosscheck the story with the owner.
'" And that's you.
Alright? It's not me.
Sarah, I I'm sorry for going ahead with this against your wishes.
I-I've gotta go now, get a bigger kennel and, um, some cleaning products.
Uh Yeah, so so I guess I'll see you later.
Get 'em.
You're not in very good shape, are you? I can't remember the last time I was taken for a walk.
If you're stressed, you need to exercise.
There's a wheeze in your lungs.
More stress? I wonder if perhaps you've been inhaling a bit of second-hand smoke.
Well, bloody certain individuals find it amusing for one's selves to blow marijuana smoke in my face whilst asleep.
They think it's a big joke.
It's not a joke, is it? I hope no-one's been blowing smoke into your face, otherwise I'll have them on animal cruelty charges.
You are as good as they say.
You know, I don't I don't know, Dr Jack.
I-I tried reaching out to Adam over a period of several weeks now and, you know, he he goes and repays me by ringing you, so I'm glad Adam rang me when he did, otherwise I think you'd be in a lot of strife.
Now, let's get something straight.
Adam's only interest is to see me dead.
Still you know, you can't go blowing smoke into the faces of innocent canines.
I mean, that kind of behaviour really makes me sick.
You know, if I go if I want bloody nachos or pizza, he can't run off to the shop quick enough.
I mean, I ask you, is that the kind of behaviour of someone that has actually got my best interests at heart? I don't think Adam's got your best interests at heart.
I start pissing on the on the carpet, on the rug, you know, it it's trying to send an alarm bell to Sarah.
But no, she doesn't she doesn't she misses it, she doesn't care.
She's oblivious to everything around her.
Yeah, you know, Sarah should be a lot more selective about who she invites into this house.
Chicks, mate.
Give her a bit of the naughty boy, they lose all all perspective.
II actually don't want to sleep on the bed.
Truth be known, I'd fuckin' I'd rather be sleeping on a mat or on the couch in the lounge room in front of the heater.
But, you know, I Fuck me dead, I keep one eye open with that cunt around.
You know, it's just like that little Jack Russell that you you recently you had something to do with.
You know, I recently had a little bit to do with a dog whose situation wasn't dissimilar to yours.
A little Jack Russell called Max.
You gave him some You had some some medication or something for for him? Some medic medication? Might put you on a course of paroxetine.
It's a strong antidepressant.
And if they're too strong, we can put you on something lighter.
Oh, they No, they won't be too strong.
I think they'll be perfect.
How's it going? Oh, it's difficult.
Directions are in Dutch.
Adam, I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA.
What for? I have reason to believe that you've been blowing smoke in Wilfred's face.
What? It's cruel, it's illegal and it's abusing an animal, and that is where I have to step in.
I don't I don't blow smoke in Wilfred's face.
Settle down, it's not a jailable offence.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
Now, the worst that can happen is that you'll be put on the RSPCA's animal cruelty register and banned from owning or living with a pet for life.
I don't force him to smoke it.
Wilfred's my dog.
I take responsibility for him.
You must be Sarah.
A pleasure to meet you.
I'm Dr Jack Underwood.
I know who you are.
Yes.
I've had problems with him since I lost Mark.
Mark was your former boyfriend? Yeah.
Hmm.
Then when Adam came along, I thought, "Great, it's a chance for him to bond with another male.
"'Cause it's not healthy for him to be around a woman all the time.
" Mark was a kind of father-figure for Wilfred, wasn't he? Yeah.
And Adam doesn't really? Not really.
No.
I'm sure he could be, but he and Wilfred just don't seem to be connecting.
And it breaks my heart 'cause I really like Adam.
I want them to get on, but if we can't sort something out, I'm gonna have to make a decision.
Come on.
I know.
That's it.
Yes, I know.
What, Wilfred? As you were, Adam.
As you were.
Can you not stand behind me, mate? It's making me nervous.
I should be the nervous one.
Why is that? Well, put it this way, you would not be the ideal person to build my house.
Give us a break.
I nearly got arrested today because of you.
I nearly got arrested today because of you.
That's why you gotta go to the R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out why you're mean to me.
That's what happens when you dob in your mates.
I didn't dob you in.
No? No.
This was meant to be a positive experience.
Positive for who? You, mate.
I'll show you who it's positive for.
Come for a walk.
I want to show you something.
Go on.
Come on, get it all out.
That's it.
Yes.
Had a look? Nothing really's going on.
No.
Nothing, really, no.
But what is going on would have to kick you in the guts slightly, wouldn't it? Why is that? Dunno.
They're just talking.
And touching.
That's it.
Yes.
He's He's comforting her, mate.
He's certainly doing that.
Gently rub the rub the sesame oil into your hands, OK? Now, take his cheeks with both hands and just gently rock his head from side to side.
Oh, his see, his eyes are closed.
A little bit of dribble.
He's loving it.
Don't you, little mate? I wish I'd known this years ago.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Alright, now, his legs.
Take a firm but gentle grip on the top of his leg, then just slide your hand all the way down to his paws.
That's it.
And squeeze.
And let it go.
Now squeeze again.
Is that right? He's loving it.
Do you like that, little man? See, what you're doing is you're easing his tight and sore muscles.
It also helps alleviate some of the symptoms of old age and helps create a kind of stronger bond between you and your dog.
Should Adam have a go? Alright.
Oh, look, I'm sure he'd consider it a personal favour if I left him alone.
Oh, come on.
Don't be a spoilsport.
No, I'm I'm not being a spoilsport.
You've done a beautiful thing today, asking Dr Jack here.
It's only right that you benefit from it too.
Go on.
FUCK OFF! Wilfred! Yes.
Might wrap it up there.
I'm going to leave you with some medication, alright? I want you to give him three of these tablets every day for the next 12 weeks.
If things don't improve, ring my office.
Thanks.
So I'm just afraid that if things don't get better there may come a time when you have to make a choice between boyfriend and dog.
Isn't there other things we can do? Sadly, no.
As I said, if there are any more problems, then give me a call.
You know, I'm only too happy to help out in any way that I can.
You're really very sweet.
That's my job.
Yes, travelling.
Travelling.
Travelling! Well, I tell you what, I've seen some sad old canines in my time, but poor old Wilfred really takes the cake.
I've put him on a course of paroxetine, so let's hope that that gets him across the line.
Meanwhile, Adam needs to decide whether he's fit and mature enough to look after himself, let alone a pet.
Grow up, Adam.
Next week, we'll be Well, they say purebreds are better, but I haven't seen it.
Next door there's this, um, little beagle.
Everyone's, like, saying always how beautiful she is, "Oh, look at Daisy.
Isn't Daisy beautiful?" I'll tell you what Daisy is - Daisy's a little slut.
Now, that's what Daisy is.
That's not very nice, Wilfred.
Well, who's got time to be nice? I was never never into her, truth be known.
She's actually what I like to call a "force myself" - I have to force myself.
And so I'm, like, you know And then what's more ironical is she's actually she's leaving her bloody sex attractant 'pherobones' in our place.
Pheromones.
Yeah, 'pherobones'.
And when she wasn't doing that, she's mounting me, you know, trying to stimulate me, sexually.
So at the end of the day I says, "Alright, Daisy, let's just get this over and done with.
" So I give her one.
So I'm giving her one and her bloody owner comes out.
"Oi, get away from me Daisy, you mangy mongrel! "Me beautiful Daisy!" How's that for ironical? That's terrible.
It's ironical - that's what it is.
Do you mind? No, no, it it's fine.
Is Sarah home? Sarah! Well, me and Keith are gonna be stayin' for a while.
You got any problems with that? I dig deep every day of my life.
And just when I think I can't dig any deeper, they throw Cyros at me.
My plan was to kill ya, take over all this shit anyway.
Watch and learn, Adam.
We need a plan.
Oh, fuckin'you're telling me.