Work in Progress (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

1 [NARRATOR.]
Previously on Work in Progress.
He's gonna call us with the wedding plan.
You've told me, like, four times.
You're just being an asshole because you want me - to dish about Chris.
- Dish, bitch! [ABBY.]
Fuck off, Campbell! I think it's moving way too fast, I think he's way too young, and I don't trust him.
Yet.
I had an ex, and I thought she loved me and wouldn't judge me.
Living your truth isn't all great.
[CHRIS.]
Are you still doing that? - Doing what? - I thought things were better.
I'm happy right now.
I'm not gonna jinx it.
You know what? I was the last juror This spray that I really like aromatic mist that I thought it was I'm like, "No, I don't have a cat!" Uh, go fuck yourself! [SLURRING.]
I am a humanitarian and a anima "aninmanatarian.
" - [YELLING.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
There was the time she fainted at the free zoo.
Remember the time she fainted at Gay Day at Six Flags? Uh, Nancy, thank you for bringing that up, ya dumb bitch.
Uh, it wasn't my fault.
The rollercoaster was stuck up there for, like, two hours.
Oh, my God, you were stuck on a rollercoaster - for two hours? - Oh, no.
I was on the ground.
I don't do coasters.
But I was scared [CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
Do you remember about that day? I know You guys, I know exactly what she remembers.
- [BOTH.]
$10 hot dogs! - On the ground! - Bullshit! - How is it bullshit? I bought you another one, you fuckin' ate it.
Wait, wait, wait.
How long has this fainting thing been going on? Longer than you've been alive.
Oh.
Anyone need a drink? [CHATTER, LAUGHTER CONTINUES.]
Today was fun, right? Yeah.
Campbell kind of had an edge to her.
Yeah? Campbell's just a crusty old man, so don't worry about it.
I just kind of have a feeling she doesn't like me very much.
No, I've known Campbell for over 30 years, and she's like that to everyone she just meets.
She's like the opposite of a peach.
She's like a big old fuckin' coconut, you know? - Hard to get in.
- Hmm.
- You're fine, I promise.
- Okay.
- For real.
Okay.
- Okay.
What are you doing? Journaling? No, not real I'm just jotting some stuff.
No peeks.
Well I'm gonna brush my teeth - and go to bed.
- Oh, okay.
Don't stay up too late journaling.
- Okay? - Okay.
[KISSING.]
[SIGHS.]
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
[CAMPBELL.]
Oh, my God, now what? Oh, my God, finally.
The last.
Okay.
Don't take this personally, but hire movers next time.
No way I could have done it without you.
Thanks.
Oh, you're so right, because you're new live-in girlfriend isn't in town on your move-in day.
Campbell, you know this.
It's not her fault.
- Red flag! - What the f Rrrrr red flag? Come on.
Red flag.
Hey, Campbell, if there's anything else you want to get off your fucking chest, now would be an amazing time.
Yeah.
I think this is a mistake.
Whoa, well look at you! It only took you over six and a half hours to bring that up.
- Way to go.
- Yeah, well I'm really surprised that you're moving in with someone that you barely know.
What are you talking about? I know her.
Yeah, but does she know you? And to this extent? She knows I journal.
What the fuck? Yeah, but this is a lot of journaling.
Like a lot of journaling.
Lots and lots.
Okay? I mean when are you gonna tell her? I don't know.
I'll tell her.
My schedule's a little booked right now.
I'll figure it out.
How do you see that working out? Because relationships are about sharing everything.
Or so I've heard.
Why don't we just take whatever time you need to say whatever it is you need to say, and then when you're done, that's when we'll order a pizza.
- All right? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I would like a extra large pepperoni, thin crust, with a side of "you really do have to tell her all your shit.
" Now, where's the fuckin' beer? What is this? I'm not proud To find my own way out From the boiling abyss [TIMER BEEPING.]
I wake every morning In a fever dream From spending the weekends With my back to the sea It's about to be worse Before it gets better But even the weak links Can hold us together Livin' through the end Of the wor-or-orld Ooh-ooh - - Ooh-ooh Ooh! Who sent this over? Why, the high roller at the end of the bar.
- Oh.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
- What is this? - [LAUGHS.]
Sorry, we don't restock the Miller Lite until next week.
I like one beer, okay? One kind of beer.
- But thank you very much.
- Mm-hmm.
So what's the gaggle of crones getting into this weekend? Well, excuse me, milady.
A group of crones is not called a gaggle.
- Oh.
- It's called a dustbin.
- A dustbin? - Yes.
- A dustbin of crones.
- [KISSES.]
[UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS.]
How long you two been together? Three months? Um, I don't know.
Maybe? I mean, who's counting, ya know? Chris.
Chris is counting.
Yeah.
He won't shut up about how this is the longest he's dated one person.
Really? When he doesn't shut up about it, does he sound, like, happy? Or stressed out about it? I'm not stressed out about it.
I-I'm not stressed out about - Chill.
Chill.
- Okay.
When Chris is into somebody, he goes all in.
He's very giving.
Plus, he likes a project, so A project? - - [DING.]
[ALISON SIGHS.]
- What? - Um, should we call him? Maybe he forgot again? He's very forgetful.
Look, he just texted.
Just give him a sec.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Your avatar for Dad is Mussolini? - Shhh.
- Oh, I love you.
- Hi, Daddy.
- [ABBY.]
Hi, Dad.
[DAD.]
Hey, you two.
[CONTINUES, DISTORTED, INDISTINCT.]
Dad, where are you? Are you still in Cameroon? [CONTINUES, INDISTINCT, STATICKY.]
- [CALL DISCONNECTS.]
- [BEEPING.]
Oh my this is impossible.
- Let me, okay? - All right.
Siri! Call Il Duce.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh! He's calling us! Hi, Dad.
Hi, honey.
Look, I know the reception isn't great [BREAKING UP.]
Dad, it's really hard to hear you.
fusilli Is he listing pastas? Dad, are you listing pastas? Do you want a pasta bar at your wedding? Hey, Dad.
Why don't you call us back when you can get better reception? [CONTINUES, INDISTINCT.]
We're gonna try to go out and get some air.
What? No! Now? - [INDISTINCT.]
- See? [CONTINUES, INDISTINCT.]
Tell me what I'm missing.
See? Wait.
Uh, what? Fair enough.
Peace.
Dad, do you still want the reception in Galena? Can he even hear me? - [CALL DISCONNECTS.]
- Dad? - Daddy? - Sir? - Great.
- [ABBY.]
He asked us to plan his wedding, and then when he calls us, he doesn't even bother to find a place with good cell coverage.
Yeah, it really sucks that the remote village that your dad is volunteering in doesn't have 4G.
[LAUGHING.]
Okay.
I see what you did there.
- [CELL PHONE CHIMES.]
- I didn't like it, but I [LAUGHING.]
That's fair.
- - Oh, my God.
- What? - It's Campbell.
She just sent me the dumbest text.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Hey, Campbell.
You are such an idiot.
You just sent me the dumbest text in the world! - [CAMPBELL.]
What? - You just texted me - that you were gonna call me.
- Yeah.
I'm just saying you're a dork.
Hey, can you take Ethel for a walk? Oh, my God, yeah, of course.
Are you okay? I'm in the emergency room.
- Hey, we gotta go.
- What? Now? Campbell's gall bladder, we gotta walk Ethel I don't even know what that means.
- [CHRIS.]
She's in the ER.
- What? What? Your friend Campbell? Campbell Campbell? No, Mike.
Campbell Scott.
From Singles and Dying Young.
The guy that everyone's talking about right now? He can give you a ride.
- Oh, great.
- What?! Hon, what are you doing today? What are you doing today? Uh, I'm planning a wedding.
Uh I'll drive.
Thank you.
[ALISON.]
Keys.
- Love you.
- Love you.
[ABBY.]
Oh, my God, thank you so much.
- Hey.
Hey, hey.
- Hey.
How are you? Tell me you're okay.
Tell me you're okay.
- I'm not too bad.
- Okay.
I feel like I'm being stabbed with a shiv, but my gall bladder hasn't blown up, so silver lining.
Tell me what I can do, okay? Do you want me to call your mom and dad? - Yeah.
Please.
- Done.
- How's Ethel? - She's great.
Chris and Mike are taking her for a walk right now.
- Oh, good! - Yeah.
- Wait.
Wait.
Fuck.
- What? Chris and Mike are at my apartment? - Yeah.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
- My place is a mess.
- It's okay.
- No, it isn't.
Okay? - It is.
I need to explain to them about the cows so they don't think it's weird.
Campbell, I've known you for over 20 years, and I still think it's weird, okay? Yeah.
I like cows.
They're cute.
That's the only thing that matters, okay? - Ohh Oh, my God! - What's the matter? - Ow, ow, ow! - I'm gonna get a nurse.
Oh, God! Yes, please.
[CAMPBELL.]
I just think it does a disservice to lesbians when lesbians wear visors.
- It's a trope.
- [ABBY.]
It keeps the sun out.
- [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [CAMPBELL.]
I swear to God.
It wasn't that high of a ladder.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [CAMPBELL.]
Don't! - [ABBY.]
Oh, no, no, no [CAMPBELL.]
It's the only other time I ended up in the ER.
[ABBY.]
Oh, yeah.
And I was there too.
So [CAMPBELL.]
I know.
Do you think it's weird? - [ABBY.]
What? - You're basically barred from knowing anything that goes back further than two years.
Chris only asked that I never ask his dead name.
Oh, the name that he's had for nine-tenths of his life? - Yeah? - Okay, well, that's, like, everything.
What are you talking about? I know about his family, I know about his childhood, I know everything.
Like, I give zero fucks about his dead name.
But you can't google him.
Why would I want to google him? Wait, are you googling him? Hell, yeah! He's dating my best friend.
I have to keep my eyes on him.
Isn't that a little transphobic? Do you even know what that word means? 'Cause you use it a lot lately.
Okay, why is it transphobic? Campbell, if "he" was a "she," we would not be having this conversation.
If he was a she, we would not be having this conversation because I would have already dated her.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
- Ohh! - [MONITOR BEEPING.]
You're wondering if he's posted anything about you.
[ABBY.]
Has he? [BOTH LAUGHING.]
[ABBY.]
Gotta have more cowbell? - [CAMPBELL.]
No.
Thanks! - [LAUGHTER, CHATTER CONTINUES.]
[CAMPBELL.]
Where were you guys? [ABBY.]
Um, that was when we were in [CAMPBELL.]
Abbs.
[ABBY.]
I'm gonna be here when you wake up, okay? [MONITOR BEEPING.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[KEYS JINGLE, LOCK RATTLES.]
No.
No, no - [ABBY.]
Hello? - no.
Hello? Hello, are you alive? - No.
- Oh, my God, it's three o'clock! - So what, Campbell? Fuck.
- Abby, get dressed! - I can't.
- Abby, get up.
- You have to go outside.
- I hate outs Fuck! What the fuck are you doing?! - Get the fuck out! - It's fucking gross in here! - So what? - Okay, come on.
You really need a shower.
Bad.
Get up.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, okay.
Well, you know what? - Get out.
- No.
The power of Christ - compels you! - Jeez Fuck you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Leave me the fuck alone! Jesus! Fuck! Why the fuck are you even here?! Let me guess.
"I told you so, Abby.
" Right? 'Cause you knew exactly what was gonna happen.
Right? - No.
Abby - Bullshit.
You told me to be honest, and I was too fucking cowardly, and I didn't fucking do it.
Fuck.
[ABBY.]
Campbell, she said that she loved me and she wanted to be with me forever, and then she changed her mind? - Do you know why she left? - [CAMPBELL.]
No, don't.
Yeah.
'Cause she got to know me, and then she fell out of love with me.
And I'm never gonna do that again.
Come on.
[WHIMPERS.]
Please don't leave.
I'm not goin' anywhere.
- Alright? - Okay.
- Hey.
Go on.
- [ABBY CRYING.]
Ohh.
I'm really sorry.
Come on.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, hey, thanks.
That was really sweet.
Any word? No, um they just took her into surgery, so we probably won't hear anything for an hour or two.
You okay? Yeah.
Thanks.
What? Nothing.
I What? I saw the post you put on Instagram from when we went to the Yo Lo Tengo concert, and it's really sweet.
I didn't think you were on Instagram.
I'm not.
Social media sucks.
But, um, Campbell is.
Oh.
I thought Campbell was following me because we're friends, but it turns out she's just your spy! C'mon, no, she's not.
- She is not.
- Yeah, sure.
- I would never come on - I believe you.
- She just showed me - Any news? Oh, hey.
Um, no.
She just went in.
So You went to Saigon Sisters? Yeah.
It's on the third floor.
It's awesome.
I'll have to try it out.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, Chris, coming to the hospital for Vietnamese food.
Yeah.
I do.
I used to come here when I worked down the block.
It is amazing.
Hey, Abby, Chris has something he wants - to talk to you about.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
- I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Yes, he does.
- I don't.
Okay.
Somebody needs to tell me really fast.
So what is it? Chris didn't know that your father's wedding - was in Galena.
- Ahhh.
Home of the best fudge and taffy shops in all of Illinois.
- Go on.
- And he isn't sure he wants to go.
Hey.
Is it because my family's super annoying? 'Cause if that's the case, we don't have to hang out with any of 'em.
No offense, Mike.
- None taken.
- No, no.
I like your family.
- Don't get cocky, Mike.
- None taken.
It's just, a small rural town like Galena isn't always the safest place for someone who isn't straight or "cise.
" [BOTH.]
Cis.
- Cis? - [BOTH.]
Cis.
Cis.
Hey.
You know that if you don't want to come, - you don't have to.
- I know.
- For real.
- I know.
But also, before you decide, my band is playing.
[LAUGHS.]
- Danger Zone.
- Yeah.
Danger Zone.
Danger Zone is playing at Dad's wedding? Oh, yeah.
Well, now I'm on the fence.
[MOANS SOFTLY.]
Jesus Christ.
[ALL.]
Heeeey.
Hi.
Did you see my moos? Your what? Her cows.
No.
Ohh, good.
Campbell? - Yeah? - He's just being polite.
Of course he saw them.
They're on everything you own.
Ya know, I'm from Iowa, so I like cows.
I'm from Kansas.
I like cows too.
Oh cow sibliiiings.
[ALL LAUGH.]
Do you know what Abby told me? [ABBY.]
Oh She told me that you told her that you don't think - I like you with her.
- [ABBY.]
Campbell.
- Campbell? - Yeah.
We don't need to talk about this.
It's okay.
I'm good.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I do like you, Chris.
I like her better, I liked her first You know, I don't like to share things.
If you break her heart, I will gut you.
- Hey.
hey.
Hey - I will find you.
Hey, hey.
Campbell.
And it's gonna hurt.
Oh, you know what Abby also told me? She said that you guys went to a sex store.
That's fun.
That's a first for her.
- Okay, Campbell - What'd you get, - like, butt plugs, or - You've had so much.
- I think we should just - Shh, Abby.
Abby.
Do they match? - You know, the butt plugs? - Campbell! [MAN ON TV.]
Just put a little warm spot over there in the sky.
Okay I really can't believe that I said that.
[BOTH LAUGHING.]
Oh, God.
That was really one of your worsts.
Mike pretended he didn't hear anything, but you know he's at home right now googling "butt plugs.
" [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- God, probably.
- Oh, my God.
Fuck.
[BOTH GIGGLING.]
Ohh.
[TV.]
automatically get lighter and lighter in value.
There.
See the blue? It's so much stronger Hey.
You don't have to stay tonight.
Girl, I'm not going anywhere.
I really don't want to be here.
You don't want the first time you meet her to be at the wedding, do you? I don't know.
I'm okay with that.
Come on, she's gonna be your new step-mom.
Hold on.
She's gonna be my dad's new wife.
- She is not my step-mom.
- [CHRIS, TO GROUP.]
Hi.
Hup! There they are! Hey! I see 'em.
Thank you.
And of course my dad's not here.
Why would he feel the need to be here as we meet the woman he's wedging into our family? [ALL.]
Heeeeey! Abby, hi! Oh, I've heard so much about you! - You're Carol Lynn.
- Yes! What year did you graduate from high school? [ALL LAUGHING.]
Yeah, hi.
So where's my father? Oh.
His replacement was delayed, so he volunteered to stay for another week.
Isn't that generous! - It's certainly typical.
- Yeah, very generous.
[CHATTER, LAUGHTER.]
Hey, I'm Jamal.
I'm Chris.
I'm Abby's boyfriend.
- This is my brother Mark.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, I love that shirt.
- Hold up.
He's about to tell you how much it cost.
Five dollars.
Got it at the Brown Elephant.
Oh! Seven dollars, Ragstock.
- Nice! - I go there every week.
[ALISON.]
I sense a competition over there! [MIKE.]
How's Campbell? [ABBY.]
She's actually doing really well, thanks.
She's home, recovering [CAROL LYNN.]
Abby, I will just have to tell you, you're exactly like your father described you.
- Really? [LAUGHS.]
- Yes.
I must look huge today.
[LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
Here ya go.
Let's do this.
So wait, are you really gonna take another stilt-walking workshop? Yes.
Three hundred bucks, but it's totally worth it because you build your own stilts.
Okay [WHEEZING.]
Oh my God, you're such that's hilarious.
Hey, so what is the verdict on the new mom? Dad's wife-to-be is actually really cool, and her sons are awesome.
Really.
They're really cool.
Oh, hey, did I tell you that Chris and Mike cleaned up my apartment? You really cleaned her apartment? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- That's so nice! - [CAMPBELL.]
Okay.
Chris is there? - [ABBY.]
Yeah.
- Put him on.
Uh, okay.
- Hey, Chris.
- Hi.
All right, I'm overprotective of Abby.
That's just our thing.
But I'm gonna be overprotective of you, also.
- You're good people.
- Oh And, you know, we We look out for each other, especially at family weddings in shitty small towns.
[ABBY CHUCKLES.]
- Thanks, cow sibling.
- What? Cow sibling? I don't know what that means.
[ABBY, LAUGHING.]
Okay.
All right.
You know what, I'm gonna say goodnight, all right? Oh, I'm sorry about the butt plug thing! Bye! Bye.
I love her.
I guess she really does like me.
I have to show you something.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I had my first panic attack when I was five.
My troop at MIT day camp got trapped in a squash court.
Okay.
And I actually started exhibiting my first signs of OCD around the same time.
And I was scared and ashamed, and my five-year-old brain did not have the words to talk about it, and so I didn't.
And then it was, like, eighth grade when my mom and dad finally took me to therapy.
And I actually really liked it, and I think it helped.
And then, um I was diagnosed with OCD in 1987, and that's before it was part of the national lexicon, you know, people didn't know about it.
And then [SIGHS.]
I only fucking got diagnosed with clinical depression five years ago.
And I've just always been terrified about what's wrong with me and, like, obsessed about why everything makes me anxious and afraid.
And I just always felt like my brain was this riddle I've been trying to solve.
And if I could just get the details right, I could figure out patterns and figure out why I am the way I am.
And that's why I write everything down.
Everything.
[CHRIS.]
Wow.
Yeah.
I know.
I'm showing you this 'cause I really care about you and I'm trying to be better and change and break patterns and figure out how to be better, you know? I just am trying to tell the truth, I really want to tell the truth now, okay? So, Chris uh, this is me.
Um this is who I am.
I really care about you too.
Yeah? - This was really brave.
- I don't know about that.
Thank you for showing me all this.
Thank you for being somebody I could show it to.
You know you're not allowed in here, though.
Like, honestly, you cannot read any of this.
Uh, yeah.
[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC BLASTING.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
I'm single! [CROWD CHANTING.]
Chug! Chug! Chug! Yaaah! Fuck.
That.
Bitch! Whoo! I'm finally free! [SHOUTING.]
Here's to single Abby.
[MOCK WHINING.]
Ooh, I'm Campbell.
I'm judging Abby for having another shot.
Ooooohhh! [ABBY DRUNKENLY RANTING.]
Single! Ha ha! Whaaaaaah! Free, motherfuckers! Fuck.
That.
Woman! Single again, motherfuckers!