You Me Her (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

1 Previously on "You Me Her" We agree that this is a business arrangement, right? [Jack.]
: I just think we need to set clear boundaries.
You took her to our roof? - [Jack.]
: Shit.
- Oh, my God.
- What if it's all Izzy? - It's us.
I really like Andy.
So, would you categorize me as emotionally unavailable? [clicks tongue.]
So, who was that chick who got dropped off at your house two nights ago? She's my niece.
Jackie.
We have a serious fucking Lori problem.
A Lori problem? Maybe we should get off the train tracks before the train runs us over.
All you got to do is tell her it's over - and she can keep the money.
- Right.
- [knock on door.]
- Aah! What are you doing here? It turns out we won't be requiring your services.
This is where I call bullshit.
I'm the only one being an adult here.
- You're the only adult? - Fine.
You win.
- Sorry.
- Ow.
What the fuck? What the fuck?! [.]
Okay.
It's, um I think it's like 12:30, and I've already been the voice of reason and a cock-blocker, and that's just It's not who I am.
It's not my place in the world.
I fucking resent it.
And you ruined Nana's lamp.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, I'm that was my fault.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Okay, so, I'm gonna ask you again.
Are are we still calling this one a client, or is he something else? [knock on door, door opens.]
Okay, so, I made my choice for the pizza thing, but Okay.
Oh.
Ah, this is gonna be interesting.
Company.
Hello.
Hi.
Hey, dude.
My name's Jack.
Sorry about the "dude.
" I don't normally say that.
[Andy.]
: Okay.
Andy.
Hey.
Sorry.
I'm being rude.
Um, Jack.
Uh, Jack is, um - He he is part of a - Is is I'm her uncle.
She's I'm her yeah, yeah.
I'm her uncle.
We were more like cousins growing up 'cause we were so close in age, so Aren't you like 40? - I'm nothing like 40.
- Oh, God.
He just stops by whenever he wants.
You now, it's like a I don't know like a midlife crisis type of thing.
More like a quarter-life crisis, 'cause I'm not that old.
If you live to 160.
You better double up on the fish oil.
Okay.
Okay.
Maybe we should just get going.
Would you hate me if we moved our lunch to happy hour? It's just trouble at home.
Yeah, okay.
I gotcha.
Hang in there, dude.
Seriously, I I never say that, so Okay.
Thank you.
I just He stopped by, and I I [chuckles.]
All right.
Aww.
So, Ah so 5:00? 5:00.
Yeah.
[sighs.]
Yeah, I'm a I am a client.
And that's your tip.
[clears throat.]
Well, glad that's sorted.
I'm gonna take this.
For Nana's lamp.
[.]
[bell tolling.]
So, what about the Andy kiss? Well, at first, it was just about proving that Jack wasn't a threat.
You know, like, "See? We can make out right in front of him.
" But But then it was it was also about, you know, keeping Andy on simmer for the next few weeks.
Does that make sense? - Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
- Okay.
Yeah, assuming you're a sociopath, it makes perfect, blood-curdling sense.
But it's also bullshit.
Pardon? You kissed Andy to make Jack jealous, okay? Period.
Boom.
Done.
Maybe.
Probably.
Are you seriously into breaking up a marriage? No.
God, no.
They love each other.
They're in it.
But what? You think there's room for one more? Man, how much would it suck if I was the only one that feels this way? Oh, yeah.
It would just be, like, so tragic if the three of you didn't live happily ever after.
And so surprising.
Oh, come on.
You have to be kidding me.
Right? About being the only one? Uncle Jack left Stop calling him "Uncle Jack.
" It makes it weird.
Oh, that's what makes it weird.
- Oh, sorry.
- [cellphone ringing.]
Sorry.
I wasn't sure.
What about her? Let's find out.
Hi, Em.
Hey, Izzy.
How are you? I'm awesome.
How are you? Totes.
I'm I'm awesome, too.
Oh, God.
Blech! Whatever the fuck that is, stop it immediately.
- Oh.
Oh, no, that's just, uh - Just end it.
some homeless person thinks they know me.
No, sorry.
I'm not Lisa.
Uh, I really need to see you, like, ASAP, if possible.
Just end it! Oh, I I can't.
Yeah, I'm, uh, all kinds of busy.
Andy doesn't know that my roommate outed his devious plan to kidnap me on some big adventure.
Yeah, international flights are involved, I think, but I'm not sure.
Oh, shit.
That's him on the other line.
I'm so excited.
I got to go.
W Ah, I'm gonna I'm gonna barf.
Damn! Damn, the specifics.
Seriously, just, like, right off the top of your head.
- I am impressed.
- I know.
International flights? I don't know what that was.
No, you can be quite the devious little fucker.
First, so well-played.
Ice water in your veins.
Second, what happened? Well, um her boyfriend called and she kind of hung up on me.
Oh, my God.
Is your lip quivering? No.
Fuck! Shh! Uh, there are kids here.
Oh, God.
I am so sorry.
Uh, I I practically never use that word, certainly not so loud and, um, elongated.
Don't do drugs, and stay in school.
They're toddlers, dumb shit.
[Man.]
: Yeah.
Dumb shit? Really? I bet these sticky little monsters aren't even vaccinated.
Oh, really? Well, why don't I vaccinate your ass with my shoe? - Vaccinate my ass? - Yeah.
Oh, bring it, creamed kale.
Bring it on.
Okay, lady people! Public park, children present.
Let's go.
What the hell is happening to you? Look, I don't want to end it.
I don't want to stop seeing Izzy.
And I hate Andy.
You know you can't drag this shit into Hawthorne Heights, right? Into my neighborhood, where I raise my kids? I'm sorry.
I may be cool, but I'm not that fucking cool.
[.]
The paths are dressed in leaves beneath our feet [Jack.]
: If someone had told you three days ago [chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
I know.
I know.
That we would, I mean - It's insane.
- It's crazy.
I called Izzy today.
What? I tried to end it with her, tried to get, you know, off those train tracks you were talking about.
And? I realized, um, I don't want to.
I don't want to end it.
Don't don't be mad.
No, I'm uh, I went to her apartment.
Oh.
Yeah.
During my lunch hour.
I I Why? I I same reason.
I also wanted to end it.
I mean, I told her she she couldn't contact you anymore or or take your messages.
Well, what happened? Things got pretty heated.
And then things got even, like, more heated.
Like Like, not not arguing anymore, but, like Did something happen? Um, well, I don't know.
I mean, her roommate came home, so that And if her roommate hadn't come home? Uh, I don't know, to be honest.
It's hard.
Damn.
Do you hate me right now? Please don't.
No.
No, I don't hate you.
I I don't know what I feel.
Jealous, maybe.
[chuckles.]
Scared.
And excited.
Is is that crazy? No.
I mean, I No.
It makes perfect sense.
Although I don't know what's crazy and what's not anymore.
[sighs.]
I just It's really good we're being honest here, right? Yeah.
Yeah.
No, it's good.
D did you go see Izzy because you were jealous that I'd been with her, or she'd been with me? Is there is there an option "C" for "all of the above"? Wow.
Yeah, that's that's how I feel.
Really? Yeah.
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
So, what's next? Well, there's another adult in this Izzy.
Right.
We should probably consider her, see how she feels.
Right.
Do you know that she has a boyfriend? Oh, God.
I met that dude.
- You met him? - Yeah.
Andy.
So, it's real.
Good-looking dude.
Oh, my God.
I hope he has low self-esteem, because Is he a massive asshole? Does he hate puppies and poor people? I think so.
I mean, I got that sense from him.
He didn't we didn't talk long, but he was Fuck Andy.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Fuck that guy.
- Pizza.
- Mm.
Yes.
[.]
Okay.
Okay, who's gonna eat these leftovers? Please.
You'll be lucky if you get a whole slice.
Oh, is that right? Mm.
So hot.
Mm.
That's where the ranch comes in.
Every element in this operation has a vital purpose to the flavor and the combo.
No, I was, uh I meant you.
So, this does it for you? Weirdly so.
Yes, it does.
What about you, huh? You like this guy? Let me know when you decide, okay? What? - Yes? - Oh, no.
No, no.
- I was, um - I'll I'll be here.
No, I wa I I don't actually know what I was thinking about.
- Mm.
- Sorry.
- You don't know? - No, I I know that it probably looked like I was, like, pondering you - or I, um, was just - [cellphone chimes.]
No, I'm I don't know what I was thinking.
Sorry.
- I was just I was - [cellphone chimes.]
Iz? Hey, Iz? Yeah.
Everything all right? [.]
Nope.
God damn it.
She's with Andy.
I'm telling you.
He has one of those faces that is just begging to be punched.
I've never seen him, but I totally agree.
Meet you at home? Yeah.
I just got to stop by the office first, but I'll be right behind you.
Ooh.
I could be into that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
[.]
Hey, come on! We can do it! We can make it.
Come on.
Hi, Lori.
Hey, Em! Gosh.
You Trakarskys sure are friendly all of a sudden.
Oh, yeah.
It's a, uh, fertility karma thing.
I'm a good person.
See? So, you're running now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You trying to lose, um I mean Are you asking if I'm trying to lose weight? What? No.
I I no.
I was Of course I'm trying to lose weight.
I'm in my 40s.
One perfectly innocent burrito suddenly equals roughly 19 miles at a dead sprint.
Yeah.
That's funny, Lori.
Try to be less obviously surprised.
I'm sorry.
I I I really am.
Um, we should get together sometime.
We are.
Jack's grilling.
He said you guys talked about it.
Oh, yeah.
Because, uh 'cause he did.
I I just didn't know that it was Will Jack's niece be joining us? What - Jack's niece? - What is her name again? Oh, uh, Izzy? Uh, no.
I don't think so.
She, um Izzy? You said Izzy.
Jack told Ava that her name was Jackie.
That's right.
What's right? Jacqueline Isabelle.
You know 20-somethings Always trying to reinvent themselves.
She prefers to be called Izzy, but Jack can't get used to it, so it's Gosh, is everything okay with you two? 'Cause he seemed a little bit weird today, too.
He was all twitchy.
This doesn't have anything to do with the Alumni Board review, does it? Well, listen, truth be told Oh.
Jack has been snorting an excessive amount of coke lately, so I think that might have something to do with the twitchiness.
[laughs.]
Yeah.
I guess we're both funny.
Okay.
Well, I look forward to steaks.
You should.
They'll be entirely made of cow meat.
Ooh! [Chuckles.]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Jackie? You could do better than that.
[cork pops.]
What? What did you say? What did she say? Let's just hope she buys the notion that Jacqueline Isabelle now goes by Izzy and you didn't get the memo.
That's pretty good, actually.
Pretty good? This from the guy who can only conjure up a diminutive of his own name.
I did this on the spot, in the driveway, after we came up with two different names for a niece we don't have.
So, apparently we're fighting now? I didn't get that memo, either.
I'm sorry.
Do you think we're so frustrated with our fertility shit and our bourgeois life choices that we're passive-aggressively sabotaging our own life? I don't think there's anything passive about inviting a third party into our marriage.
Is that what we're doing? I think so.
Right? Isn't that what we're doing? Oh, God.
I'm having trouble breathing.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
No.
Can I do that? Is it possible to stop, just, like, forget how to breathe? 'Cause that's [sighs.]
Look, I mean, we should stop, right? I mean, now that you've said this out loud, we should we should absolutely just stop.
Just got to wake up and snap out of it, and come back to our senses? Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, this is insane.
This is this is not us, hon.
Okay, I think you've used all the oxygen for a week.
- Okay? Just - I'm sorry.
I'm having trouble to, like, regain - It feels like I'm losing - Breathe.
I am breathing.
That's what I'm trying to do.
Like a human.
You think she's gonna come? Should we call her and and tell her that not to come, not to come by? Or should we just let fate decide? Oh, you mean let Izzy decide.
Tomato, po-tah-to.
I don't know.
If she comes, then it's meant to be, right? And if she doesn't, then it's not.
[.]
Well, this is it.
[cellphone chimes.]
Are you actually sure that we've never met? Uh, yeah.
I'm good with faces, so, um Okay.
Oh, fuck.
Hey.
Are you sure this is what you want? What is that supposed to mean, ironic T-shirt guy? You you get those T-shirts so people think you're fucking deep? You you just walk around with with your poetry on your shirt? But you just actually go around fucking judging people? You don't even know me.
Shit, I was just I mean, I was asking 'cause this is rape-y.
You were just asking if this is really where I want you to drop me off.
Right.
That that makes sense.
Is this is this the end of Englewood here? Yeah.
Then this is what I want.
I think.
Look, it's none of my business, but I'm gonna spend the rest of the night trying to figure this out anyway.
What the hell's in those woods? Uh, well, um my aunt and my uncle.
Yep.
Uh, they like camping, so I'm, uh It's just through the brush.
Uh, I'll be good, though.
I'm good.
Fucking aunt, fucking uncle bullshit.
Fucking Jack, fucking Emma.
Okay, where am I? Ow! Fuck! [thunder rumbles.]
[Emma.]
: Oh, this Pinot ain't cutting it.
Think she'll bring that Indian pot? I believe it's called indica.
Well, whatever.
It relaxes parts of me I never knew existed.
She's not coming.
The 25-year-old made the sensible, adult decision.
Good on her.
[sighs.]
I should have specified a time.
Why didn't I specify a time? Stupid.
Fuck.
I haven't felt this way since you claimed you were sick and didn't return my calls for three days.
Oh, you were so adorable, standing in my hallway all misty-eyed with chicken soup and sriracha.
Nothing personal.
An upper hand needed to be established.
I wasn't misty-eyed.
No, I was faking it.
I was faking that was my vulnerable face.
I use to use that to try to get laid.
- So, you upper-handed my upper hand? - Worked, too.
- Bullshit.
- I can do it right now.
You want to see my vulnerable face? Yeah.
I want to see your vulnerable face.
Watch this.
You ready? It's doing nothing.
[pounding on door.]
Shit.
She's here.
Yes! Do I look okay? You look great.
Hey.
If you don't have something that makes sense in a shot glass, I'm killing everyone but the pug.
Uh, I got tequila.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Sure.
What's what's the look? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, it's just something that doesn't work anymore, clearly.
Let's get you in some dry clothes.
Yeah, please.
[.]
- Mom! - Oh, my [laughs.]
Yeah, next time you try spying on the Trakarskys, maybe you should water more than one bush.
- No, I was not - Don't.
We both know something weird is going on with them and the niece that fell from the sky.
- Right? - Yeah! Totally.
[mid-tempo music playing.]
That's different.
Oh.
Shrieking Squirrels.
I know, right? It's horrible.
No, no.
It's the name of the band.
They dropped, like, yesterday on an indie site.
Jack and Emma are nowhere near that cool.
Oh.
She's in there.
[music continues.]
Oh.
[indistinct singing.]
Oh.
Okay.
That's it.
I am done.
Em, we've had two.
- Really? - Yeah.
Seems like more.
[laughs.]
Did, uh did you bring the vape? Does a bear shit in his pants? Hold on.
Yeah, I don't think that's the, um, expression.
- Okay.
- No, wait.
No.
We can't We we can't do this.
No.
We have a lot of important decisions to make.
We have to talk about a bunch of stuff.
We can't be stoned for this.
We have to be honest.
Right.
Maybe we should have a shot first.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
"You're such a great guy, Andy.
" "You're the best, Andy.
" "It's not you.
It's me, Andy.
" "You're like human-shaped Ambien, Andy.
" No.
Somebody seriously wrote that to you? The the last one was implicit.
All right.
Well, next round's on, uh What are you doing? That's how I know her.
Know who? That girl I just dropped off.
You come in with her a lot.
Izzy? Sure.
That sounds about right.
[upbeat music playing.]
Good, right? [Music stops.]
Why would you do that? Sorry, I I can't listen to music and talk at the same time.
Is that gonna happen to me? Item one on the agenda is Andy.
[sighs.]
Uh, no.
Um I was just trying to make you guys jealous.
Yeah, it worked.
Really? Why? 'Cause I needed to know if You know I don't know.
We felt the same? Yeah.
I have been going out of my mind thinking about a married couple that I met four days ago getting it on without me.
And, by the way, I know how crazy that sounds.
Like, if anyone was to say that shit to me, I would be like, "You're mental.
" Like, I Like, I I get it.
Well, I'm jealous when you're with Andy.
I'm jealous when you're with Jack.
- You are? - Yes.
Yeah.
Me too.
I'm super jealous.
Like, not, obviously Ja I am Jack, so it's it's opposite people, but I have the same feelings as you guys.
How fucked up is this? Who decides what's fucked up and what isn't? Society, for one.
Or, you know, the people doing it.
Right.
That's that's actually way better.
Mm-hmm.
Well, whenever we tried to make this a business arrangement, some weird form of therapy No, it was it was always something else, right from the start, right? Hold on.
- You never cashed the check? - No.
[.]
Now we can't hide behind it.
[Andy.]
: So, let me get this straight.
You you drove Izzy out to the 'burbs and you dropped her off in the woods? Yeah.
Dude, I I'm starting to feel like I'm breaking a whole bunch of unwritten laws.
Well, you're not a lawyer or a doctor.
You're, like, a bartender who occasionally drives people places, so Wow.
Your powers of persuasion need some fine-tuning there, sport.
[Jack.]
: So, where do we go from here? I don't know.
The logical question is, um has anyone in this room ever had a threesome? Oh, well, now, that's just offensive.
Oh, shit.
No, I I thought you were suggesting that, like Well, yeah, no.
I was suggesting, completely suggesting, but, I mean, it's not 1975, Barney Miller.
Come on.
No.
Uh, no.
Not me.
No.
- Izzy? - No.
No.
Me neither.
Here's what's gonna happen.
I'm going to put $80 on this bar, okay? I'm gonna ask you to tell me exactly where you dropped her off.
I know you will not stop Until you see us drop Till you see us go up in flames like dying stars I know your only thought Is how to win back what you lost Cover eyes with frost And fill our brains with poison World war is over now