You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s01e05 Episode Script
Beg, Borrow or Steal
1 From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Saucy flappers in cloche hats Natty chappies in white spats The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? Henry, the kedgeree is ready.
-Stand by to pull it up.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
-Kedgeree coming up, James.
-Standing by, Mrs Lipton.
Away you go, Henry.
Going away, Mrs Lipton.
Here's Lady Lavender's tea tray.
She's coming down for breakfast.
Now don't forget, Ivy, it's vacuum cleaner day today.
The Goblin man will be here in a minute.
I hate Goblin day.
Well, it's not right with a big house like this.
I can't do it in three hours.
They should hire it for a whole day.
Well, Lord Meldrum says that money doesn't grow on trees.
Well, it does in his case.
He's got a rubber plantation.
(Knocking on door) Oh, that'll be the Goblin man now.
-Shall I answer it, Mrs Lipton? -No, Henry, Ivy will answer the door.
Morning.
Goblin man.
Which heads do you want? Carpets, upholstery or curtains? I can't do the upholstery and the curtains in three hours.
-Just the carpets.
-There you are, then.
With the carpet head, the hire charge will be two and a threepence.
Mr Stokes will pay you when you come back to collect it.
Well, don't work too hard.
-Here, when's your day off? -Sorry, I'm not allowed followers.
Oh! Oh, Henry, come and give us a hand! Coming, Ivy.
You take the body, I'll take the snake.
That Goblin man tried to get off with me.
Take no notice, Ivy.
He's always making suggestive remarks.
He never makes suggestive remarks to me.
Don't worry, Mabel, he will one day.
If His Lordship bought a Goblin, we shouldn't have to have him round here.
Talk sense, Mabel.
A new Goblin costs seven guineas.
Now, don't you leave it standing idle.
Henry, you go upstairs and help Ivy in the drawing room whilst they're having their breakfast.
When they finish their breakfast, you can do the dining room.
Then the landing whilst they're in the bedrooms, and you can do the bedrooms as soon as you can.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Ivy.
Ivy.
(Vacuum stops) Oh, thank heavens.
It was going right through my head.
Ivy, did you get that share certificate off Henry? No, Dad, and I'm not going to.
Lady Lavender gave it to him.
Now, look, Ivy, she promised them shares to me.
When I sell them to Sir Ralph, I'll have enough money to make you and me independent for life.
I'm not doing it, Dad.
I'm having no part of it.
In that case, I'll make me own arrangements.
-Dad, that's stealing! -No, it's not, I'm going to pawn it.
I'll raise enough to give Henry the 200 quid I promised him and then I'll get it back when I sell the shares.
Ah, Stokes, it's payday for the domestic staff, isn't it? That is correct, sir.
How quickly it comes round.
Far too quickly if you ask me.
Excuse me, m'lordship, this little corner here hasn't been Goblined.
Can I carry on? No, Ivy, there'll be no Goblin going on while His Lordship's in the room.
-Just wait, I'll tell you when.
-Yes, Mr Stokes.
There we are, Stokes.
-Get them to sign for it.
-Of course, m'lord.
Had a daily here once who just used to put a cross.
Really, sir? She knew damn well when her wages weren't right, though.
-Will that be all, sir? -Yes, Stokes.
Hello? Where's Aunt Maude's cigarette box? Mr Stokes, where's the cigarette box? -It's Aunt Maude's.
-I forgot to inform you, m'lord.
When I was cleaning it, I rather carelessly strained the hinge.
I've sent it to be repaired, at my expense, of course.
Ah, good.
There's no need for you to pay for it, just let me know how much it is.
That is very generous of you, my lord.
-It will be returned in a week.
-Jolly good.
What a first class man.
I mean, what butler would get that thing repaired and then offer to pay for it.
You know, you're damn lucky to be working under the influence of a man like that.
-Your footwear, sir.
-Oh, jolly good.
I'm thinking of buying a pair of suede shoes, James.
I see, sir.
You sound as if you don't approve.
Well, they are considered in some circles, sir, to be effeminate.
Really? In that case, I won't buy any.
Always better to err on the safe side in that respect, sir.
Now, James, I wonder if you could carry out a rather delicate mission for me.
Well, I'll try, sir.
I want you to take a note round to Miss Cartwright's apartment.
Are you intending to invite her to Miss Cissy's poetry reading? -Well, yes.
-His Lordship will be most delighted.
What I want you to do, James, is to ask Miss Cartwright if we can borrow her maid.
I see, sir.
Tell her we're short-handed and we need help to hand out the refreshments.
Yes, sir.
She's beautiful, James.
She's got frizzy red hair, a lot of freckles and a slightly wonky nose.
With glasses, sir? No, but she probably needs them.
I shall send her to my optician.
I know just the sort of glasses that would suit her.
Little tortoiseshell ones.
Now, while they're all listening to that boring poetry, I shall slip away and nip into the conservatory.
You'll send her to me with a glass of sherry and some pistachio nuts.
I think the staff might take exception to the presence of another domestic in the household, sir.
Who cares what the bally staff think? The damn cheek.
If I want someone different to bring me my pistachio nuts, I'll jolly well have them.
I'll have 20 girls bringing my pistachio nuts if I want them.
Are the staff getting bolshie? I mean, is there someone down there who's an agitator? I'm sorry, sir.
I will endeavour to arrange things according to your wishes.
It's like this, Mr Fisher.
I need 200 quid in cash.
P200? That's a great deal of money, Mr Stokes.
I know, but listen, Mr Teddy doesn't want the emerald.
So I'll give it you back, you give the 60 quid I paid for it, my IOU, and lend my P1 40 on that.
Oh, that's a very pretty piece.
-A very pretty piece.
-It's a deal, then? Now, just a minute, Mr Stokes.
You know as well as I do, I had that emerald for nine years and couldn't shift it.
-But I only bought it off you yesterday.
-Business is business, Mr Stokes.
May I draw your attention to this notice? Goods once sold cannot be returned.
Come here, you thieving little rat! You'll give me back my 60 quid and my IOU or I'll bash your face in! Hold on, Mr Stokes, hold on! Violence won't get you anywhere.
You're in no position to bargain.
I've only got to take this box to Lord Meldrum and you'll be out of a job.
I don't know the history behind that emerald, but I expect the police would quite like to know about it.
You could end up doing a stretch in Dartmoor.
And it's very damp there.
-Don't you threaten me! -Now, just calm down.
I'll tell you exactly what I'll do.
I'll lend you the P200 and I'll keep the box, the emerald and your IOU.
I'm sorry, Henry, I've got to have a rest.
Personally, I prefer the dustpan and brush.
It gives me such a headache.
Ivy, there's nothing else worrying you, is there? No, of course not.
You're not having trouble with Mr Stokes? No, that was just a friendly kiss you saw him give me in the scullery.
I saw him go into your room last night.
-Oh, heck.
-Well, it's none of my business of course.
Look, Henry, I'm going to tell you something and you've got to swear you'll never, ever repeat a word to a living soul.
Oh, yeah.
Do you swear? -Yeah.
-On your mother's life? I can't, I'm an orphan.
-Well, cross your heart then.
-All right then.
Mr Stokes is my dad.
-Is he? -Yes.
-Really? -Yes, really.
Oh, thank the Lord for that.
I thought that you and him was having a Oh, don't be daft.
He's old enough to be my father.
He is my father.
Now, you promise me you won't breathe a word to a living soul.
-I promise, Ivy.
-Good lad.
Ivy, does Mr Stokes know? Henry, here's that 200 quid I promised you.
Now there's just one thing, you've got to sign a paper to say that you sold me the shares.
I'm sorry, Mr Stokes, I can't do that.
-Why not? -I haven't got them anymore.
Lady Lavender asked for them back so I gave them to her.
After all the trouble I've been to to get the 200 quid? You needn't have bothered.
-If I'd known you was Ivy's dad -Ivy! I'm sorry, I had to tell him you were my dad, Dad.
I would have given them to you for nothing.
I love Ivy.
Oh, Henry.
And I'd like to marry her.
Except for I'm only 1 7 and a half and I ain't got no money.
Oh, Henry.
Never mind that.
Come on, Ivy, we're going to see Lady Lavender now.
Dad, I don't like this.
Can't we just forget about them shares? We've got a lovely job here.
A lovely job here? Waiting hand and foot on these parasites.
For the first time in my life I've got the chance to be someone in this world.
Do you know what my ambition is? I wanna walk in that dinning room where they're all poshed up, drinking port and cracking nuts and going on about the working class, I wanna say, ''Excuse me, m'lord'' (Knocking on door) CAPTAIN: Come in.
LADY LAVENDER: Shut up! Come in.
-Excuse me, m'lady -Quiet.
I'm concentrating.
There.
Don't you think it's like him? -Who? -Captain, my parrot.
It's just a square lump.
That's cubism.
Are you familiar with the cubist movement? You what? Ivy's a very simple girl, m'lady.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
You see, her and Henry are hoping to get married.
Aren't you, Ivy? What? Me and Henry? Who's Henry? The little fat boy, the boots, the one you gave the shares to.
Oh, you mean Steven.
Oh, he's such a nice boy.
Yes, well, you see, he's an orphan.
And he hasn't got any money to pay for the wedding.
Well, the bride's father should pay for the wedding.
Yes, well, he's a drunken wastrel and he's in Dartmoor, isn't he, Ivy? If you give the shares back to me, like you promised, I'll give them the best wedding you ever saw.
And we'll send you a piece of wedding cake.
I'd like to give them back to you, Capes, but I can't.
I'll tell you why.
Come over here.
You see, I promised them to him in the first place.
When he found out I'd given them away, life became intolerable.
He just sat there sulking.
Never said a word.
Made my life hell.
He threw peanuts at me.
(Whispering) Don't let him see we're talking about him.
So I gave them back to him and he ate the certificate.
All except the seal.
Did you know that parrots don't like sealing wax? Cissy, what's this poetry evening thing you've landed us with? Daddy, we must try and keep up with the times.
Everybody's clamouring to have these sort of people for the evening.
They're the rage of the set.
What sort of people are they? Are they decent? Daddy, just because they have beards and don't wear socks, doesn't mean they're criminals.
As long as they're wearing shoes.
We've just had the carpets Goblined.
You'll be well taken care of.
I've asked your Aunt Maude.
Oh, what did you do that for? Well, I'm her favourite niece.
She's leaving me all her jewellery.
Oh, drat.
Stokes has taken that cigarette box she gave me.
Needed repairing.
She's bound to ask where it is.
I'll get Stokes to bring it back.
Otherwise she'll think you've pawned it.
Where have you been? Lady Lav really is barmy, Dad.
She made me pose for her while she did a bust of my head in mud.
Then she give it to me.
Look.
You're not wearing glasses.
I'm not wearing a nose to put them on.
Now, look here, Dad, what was all that about me marrying Henry? I mean, I quite like him, but it's ridiculous.
He's far too young.
I just did that for Lady Lav.
I thought I'd play on her sympathy to get them shares back.
Then she goes and gives them back to her parrot, and he eats them.
I had a fortune in my grasp, Ivy.
-Have you got that seal? -Yes, she gave it to me.
I wonder if I cut the parrot open and got the pieces out, I could stick it back together.
Oh, Dad, don't.
You're going crazy with greed.
Just think of that parrot digesting it.
Ivy, the print might be waterproof.
Dad, give over.
Look, now you don't need the 200 quid to give to Henry.
You better go and get Aunt Maude's box back.
There's plenty of time for that, Ivy.
Ivy, I wish to have a word in private with Mr Stokes.
Go and see if they've finished coffee in the drawing room.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
Alf Stokes, what have you done with that box? The lid was broke.
I've sent it to be repaired.
I cleaned it myself this very morning.
There was nothing wrong with it.
That's the trouble with you, James Twelvetrees, you're too heavy-handed.
You must've bust it when you were cleaning it.
If you've stolen it, I shall denounce you to Lord Meldrum.
I don't care what happens to me.
Keep your hair on.
I pawned it.
You've pawned it? That's as bad as stealing it.
I wanted a few quid for a week or two.
Well, you'd better get it back.
Aunt Maude's coming to Miss Cissy's poetry reading.
Oh, heck.
Thanks for telling me, I'll go get it now.
-What's going on between you and Mrs Lipton? -What do you mean? I've seen the little winks and nudges.
I'm not a fool, you know.
Aren't you? What about all those little private conversations with Ivy? What's going on there? Nothing.
You're old enough to be her father.
You've no principles, Alf.
And you've taken His Lordship in.
They're a decent, upright family.
Decent and upright with His Lordship committing adultery left, right and centre? Mr Teddy putting servant girls in the family way, also left, right and centre? Miss Poppy trying to get your trousers off? Miss Cissy and her friends getting up to things that even I don't understand? Well, they're the upper classes.
We have to make allowances.
You make allowances.
As far as I'm concerned, their allowances are cut off.
Their days are numbered.
I'm in it for what I can get and I advise you to do the same.
(Door slams) Here we are, dear, eight shillings.
It's the best I can do.
Hello, Mr Stokes.
In a hurry? It's all off.
I've got to have that cigarette box back.
Here's your 200 quid.
Oh, my, what a pickle you're in.
Everything keeps going down the WC.
Don't muck about.
I'm an old customer and I'm in dead trouble.
Everyone who comes to me is in trouble.
That's my business, is trouble.
Those three brass balls outside my shop are not Christmas decorations, Mr Stokes.
Come on, give us the box.
I won't let you down, you know me.
I'll make it right in a couple of weeks, I promise.
I'd like to have a shilling for everyone who comes in here and says that.
They'll promise anything.
But I'll tell you this, Mr Stokes, you can't pawn promises.
Please, Mr Fisher.
I'm desperate, really desperate.
Please help me.
Well, perhaps this is your lucky day.
I have something you want very badly indeed and you are in a position to do something for me in return.
Go on, what do you want? You can have the cigarette box and keep the money and we'll be square.
What are you talking about? In return, you give me access to Lord Meldrum's safe.
-For one of your burglar chums? -Don't be old-fashioned, Mr Stokes.
I'll tell you exactly what you do.
You scratch one of His Lordship's cabinets.
In a fit of remorse, you offer to repair the damage.
You call in a French polisher, who happens to be me.
I arrive.
You escort me to the room and in a couple of hours, I've done a high-class repair job and taken one or two bits of His Lordship's jewellery.
Don't talk daft.
If that safe's rifled, the first person they'll suspect is me.
Not a bit of it.
All you have to do is force a catch on a window.
Next morning you come downstairs and say, ''My, my, I do believe we've had intruders.
'' Then if they check your room, you're in the clear.
I'm not doing it.
I don't care what you say, I'm not doing it.
Please yourself.
But I shall be along tomorrow evening with this box in my pocket.
If there's nothing for me to repair, I shall be forced to tell Lord Meldrum how I came by it.
The kettle's boiling, Mrs Lipton.
Shall I make the tea? No, Mabel, I make the tea in this house.
Come and sit down, Ivy, and have a nice cup of tea.
-Good afternoon, all.
-Good afternoon, Constable.
Would there be a cup of your excellent tea, Mrs Lipton? No, they cut the gas off.
His Lordship's gone bankrupt.
Be quiet, Henry.
No sooner do I pour the water on the tea than you appear, Constable.
You must have a sixth sense.
Or hollow legs.
-Come in, James, you're just in time.
-Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
Did Miss Cartwright say that her maid could come and help tomorrow? Yes, it's all fixed.
Ivy don't mind, do you, Ivy? No, poor girl.
Does she know what she's in for? I doubt it.
I couldn't say what Mr Teddy is like to Miss Cartwright.
No, no, of course not.
She's potty about him, isn't she, poor soul.
I felt like some cheap procurer.
What's a procurer? It's a man that smokes bacon, isn't it? A procurer, from the police point of view, is a person who secures the services of a girl of the opposite sex for immoral purposes.
Why, is smoking bacon immoral? Well, I hope that girl is not coming here for, well, what the constable just said.
I found it most distasteful.
You were just obeying orders, Mr Twelvetrees.
No one can blame you for that.
And what are you preparing for dinner, Mrs Lipton? Well, I'm giving the family poached salmon.
But we're a bit fed up with salmon down here so I'm making a nice steak and kidney pie.
-With oysters? -Oh, of course, Constable.
And will there be a portion left over for yours truly? Yes, of course.
No doubt Mr Stokes will produce a bottle of wine that he's opened for His Lordship by mistake.
It's no good pouring it down the sink, Mr Twelvetrees.
There you are, Alf.
You're just in time for a nice cup of tea.
No, thanks.
I've got a splitting headache.
I'm going to lie down for a bit.
I hope you haven't been carrying heavy boxes about, Mr Stokes.
Mr Stokes doesn't handle heavy boxes, James.
What do you mean? Just a private joke between us, Mrs Lipton.
Poor Mr Stokes, he looks right put out.
Ivy, you go up and take him an aspirin.
There's a little bottle in my room on the chest of drawers.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Mr Stokes has been out a lot lately, hasn't he? Well, he's got a lot of legal business troubles to attend to.
I bet it's woman trouble.
He's got swarthy Latin looks, and bedroom eyes.
That's enough, Mabel.
It's time you got on with the vegetables.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
(Knocking at door) Come in, Ivy.
-Did you get the box? -No, he wouldn't give it me.
I said you shouldn't have taken it, Dad.
It was wrong.
It was stealing.
Ivy, come round here and sit down.
Now listen, everything I've ever done has always been for you.
If it was wrong, at least me heart was in the right place.
I've always given you a good home, haven't I? No, it's been terrible.
I didn't have a mattress till I was 1 2.
Well, you had a bed.
When you're young and not very heavy, you don't need that sort of luxury.
I was only not very heavy because I didn't have enough to eat.
We were poor, Ivy.
But every Christmas, I made sure you had something in your stocking.
It wasn't even my stocking.
I never had any stockings.
You're right, it was one of mine I gave you special for the occasion.
And what about that Christmas I woke up and there was nothing in it and you said we'd had burglars? Stop splitting hairs, Ivy.
I've always tried to give you a good home.
It was not my fault if things went wrong.
Things are always going wrong with you, Dad.
I'm in dead trouble this time, Ivy.
That pawnbroker says if I want that box back, I've got to help him to rob His Lordship's safe.
Dad, you can't.
If I don't, he's going to tell His Lordship I pinched it.
Either way, I'm going to end up in Dartmoor.
What are you going to do, Dad? Ivy, I'll tell you one thing from long experience.
When the going gets really hard and you're right down on the floor, -there's only one thing to do.
-What's that? Nothing.
Just wait and hope something turns up.
-Is the headache gone? -Aye, but the cause of it hasn't.
Yes, if I was in your shoes, I'd have a headache.
Where's that box? It'll be here tomorrow.
Yes.
That's your life, isn't it? Everything's going to be here tomorrow.
What's the matter with that? I'll tell you what's going to happen tomorrow.
If that box isn't back there by the evening, I shall tell Lord Meldrum the whole story.
You'll be on your way to prison and I shall take up my rightful position in this household as butler.
James, I don't believe what I'm hearing.
How could you do that to an old comrade who served in the trenches with you, who faced death with you, who even shared the last tin of Bully Beef with you? It was my tin of Bully Beef.
Pour me a sherry, Stokes.
-Amontillado or Tio Pepe? -Amontillado, please.
I'm afraid I had a rather unfortunate accident with the mahogany table, sir.
-I scratched it rather badly this morning.
-I didn't notice.
I have obtained the services of a French polisher.
He can do it tomorrow evening.
I will pay of course.
That's what I like about you, Stokes.
You play a straight bat.
-Most butlers would blame somebody else.
-I don't hold with that sort of thing, sir.
-Tell the truth and shame the devil.
-You're quite right.
-Good health.
-M'lord.
-Has Miss Cartwright's maid arrived yet, James? -She's due any minute, sir.
-What's her name? -I believe it to be Rose.
Rose.
What a pretty name.
Look, when she gets here, keep her downstairs.
Give her some little job to do like shelling peanuts.
Then when I give the signal, send her to me in the conservatory.
With the sherry and the pistachio nuts.
That's right.
I believe the girl to be rather young and innocent.
You will be circumspect in your treatment of her, sir? Circumspect? What a bally cheek you have! Do you think I'm some sort of animal? Do you think I'm going to paw the girl and drag her clothes off in the conservatory? With all those windows? -I'm sorry, sir.
-I should think you jolly well are.
If you hadn't saved my life, I'd be giving you the bally sack.
-I'm deeply sorry, sir.
-Yes, well, say no more about it.
-Just be more careful in future.
-Of course, sir.
(Knocking on door) Yes.
-CISSY: May we come in? -Yes, I'm quite decent.
Uncle Teddy.
Daddy is going to welcome the guests.
We'd like you to introduce Aubrey Wilmslow.
I don't know anything about him.
Except he writes absolute piffle.
Here are some details.
''Aubrey Wilmslow first came to the attention of the critics ''with his stark, compelling poem Naked.
''This brilliant young innovator ''then turned the world of poetry on its head when he embraced Dadaism.
'' You don't expect me to read this drivel, do you? I was at school with his father.
We used to call him Potty Wilmslow.
Uncle Teddy, you have such a lovely voice.
Please do it.
I know you think it's all rubbish, but he is quite a catch.
And there may be a man from The Tatler to take photographs.
I don't think we've had our photograph in The Tatler, have we, sir? By Jove, no, we haven't.
That'll make the chaps at Boodle sit up.
All right, I'll do it.
And will you be announcing the guests, James? I think that falls within the province of Mr Stokes.
What a pity.
You have such a lovely voice.
Shall I put this tray of sandwiches on the buffet table, Mr Twelvetrees? No, Henry.
You'll put them in the wrong place.
I'll put the sandwiches on the table, you carry on dusting these chairs.
I've never been to a poetry reading before.
What do these poets do? They read poetry, Henry.
What sort of poetry? It's called Dadaism.
What's that? It doesn't concern you, Henry.
Would they like me to do Eskimo Nell? Get your mind out of the gutter and get on with your work.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
-I'll go.
-You'll do nothing of the sort, Mabel.
Have you taken leave of your senses? If Mr Stokes and Mr Twelvetrees aren't here, Ivy answers the door.
If Ivy isn't here, Henry answers the door.
-Off you go, Ivy.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Don't you ever answer the door? Only if the mood takes me.
I don't care who answers the bloody door.
What did you say? Nothing, Mrs Lipton.
-Where's Ivy? -She's answering the door.
Who is it, Ivy? It's a Mr Fisher.
He says he's a French polisher.
It's all right.
I sent for him.
This way, Mr Fisher.
-Good evening.
-Good evening.
Good evening.
What's a French polisher doing here at this time of night? Well, I haven't scratched nothing so don't blame me.
I can't remember the last time I scratched anything.
I'll go and see what's happening.
Wait here.
GEORGE: Come in.
-The French polisher has arrived, m'lord.
-Right.
Send him in.
This way.
-Good evening.
-Good evening, my lord.
Are you going to make some funny smells? Not offensive ones, Your Lordship.
Well, we've got a poetry thing over in the dining room, but we won't be coming in here.
-May he carry on, sir? -Yes, of course.
I'll go and see what the girls are up to.
-Where's the cigarette box? -Here you are.
And here's the emerald and your IOU.
-Now, where's the safe? -Over there.
And here's the scratch.
That should take me about one hour.
That lock won't be much bother.
Ten minutes should see that sprung.
-The sooner you're out of here, the better.
-I've got to make a nice job of it.
Otherwise they might get suspicious.
We don't want that, do we? Get on with it.
(Bell ringing) Dad, who's that French polisher? -He's brought the cigarette box back.
-Is he going to rob the safe? -Yes, Ivy.
-Well, then stop him.
How can I? He's got me.
-What are you going to do? -He'll be in there an hour yet.
I'll think of something.
(Bell ringing) That will be the poetry people.
-Are you answering the door, Mr Stokes? -No, I don't answer the door, James.
You answer the door.
Are you trying to tell me my job? (Bell ringing) Don't keep them waiting, James.
-I feel terribly nervous.
-Whatever for, you silly goose? -You wouldn't laugh, will you, Daddy? -I'll try not to.
Henry, do you know Miss Cartwright's maid called Rose? Miss Cartwright's ''Maid Called Rose''? No, I'm sorry, I don't know it.
Anyway, he won't let me do a poem.
Mr Hamish Kintyre.
Miss Lucille Pennhaligan.
-How do you do? -Miss Francesca Dyke-Hardy.
-Good evening.
-And Mr Aubrey Wilmslow.
Good evening, Mr Wilmslow.
My daughters think you're the cat's pyjamas.
-What does that mean? -Well, it's sort of modern American slang, like ''gee whiz'' and ''swell'' and ''I'll tell the world''.
Really.
-What on earth is that? -It's a Singerphone, Daddy.
-Aubrey writes poetry for the Singerphone.
-Oh, I see.
Does he blow it? No, he speaks into it.
Gives the words roundness.
Absolutely furious.
That fool Francesca Dyke-Hardy left the stand behind.
Well, that's all right.
The boy will hold it.
Oh, Jerry darling, how lovely to see you.
-I brought Cissy's chum Penelope.
-Oh, you are a dear.
-Good evening.
-Good evening.
Are you one of the poets? I'm Jerry.
You know Jerry, Daddy.
He's been here dozens of times.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Get yourself a pew.
Doesn't have a very strong personality, does he? -Miss Penelope Barrington-Blake.
-Hello.
Hello, Penelope.
-Cissy's over there.
-Oh, thanks.
-Cissy, darling.
-Penelope! Oh, you look divine.
Do girls usually kiss each other on the lips these days? -I don't know.
I always kiss girls on the lips.
-Yes, well, we all know about that.
Lady Maude Sainsbury.
Aunt Maude.
George.
-Where's my cigarette box? -In a place of honour, in the drawing room.
Oh dear, they're all arriving thick and fast now.
Them poets are a funny looking lot.
-Have we hid the silver? -I don't think they'd steal, though Lord knows what else they get up to.
-Good evening, all.
-Good evening, Constable.
I've been standing outside for the last 1 0 minutes.
It was a regular pantomime.
There was one young fellow with a great big horn thing like a dunce's cap under his arm.
Is he going to stick it on his head? Oh, well, I expect Ivy'll tell us all about it later on.
There's a young girl waiting outside.
Oh, that must be that girl Rose that James was telling us about.
What's she doing out there? Come in, dear.
You're Rose, aren't you? (Inaudible) I beg your pardon? Speak up, dear.
You don't have to be afraid of the police.
Ah.
Rose couldn't come.
She sent this one instead.
What's your name? -Oh, this is Emma.
-Oh, well.
Hang your coat up, Emma, and sit yourself down.
Mr Twelvetrees will give you your orders later.
My cigarette box is on the desk.
Yes, m'lady.
His Lordship takes great pride in it.
There's a strange man in there.
Praying on his knees to a lot of little bottles.
-Oh, is he one of the poets? -I expect so, Your Ladyship.
Oh, how thrilling.
Dad, you look awful.
-He'll have the safe opened up in a minute, Ivy.
-What are we gonna do? Go upstairs and pack your bag.
We can't run away.
That'll make it look worse.
-You've got to stop him.
-How can I? He's only got to say two words to His Lordship and I'll end up in the clink.
-Dad, don't.
-Get in there and act natural.
-We're all here now, Daddy.
Should we start? -All right.
-Bang something, James, will you? -M'lord.
Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to this recital thing by Aubrey Wilmslow and his troupe.
Now, one thing about being British is that these days, we are not stick-in-the-muds.
So if there is something new around, we are quite prepared to give it a go, whether we like it or not.
Anyway, here is my brother, Teddy.
Aubrey Wilmslow first came to the attention of the critics when he recited his compelling poem Stark Naked.
I'm not surprised.
Shh! I mean, his stark, compelling poem entitled Naked.
Um Oh, Aubrey Wilmslow.
Now, this is my latest poem for voice and Singerphone.
And it's called Lost souls, lost souls, wandering, wandering.
Lost souls, lost souls Wandering, wandering Lost souls, lost souls Pondering Lost souls, lost souls! Where to go? Where to go? Wandering, wandering They see the cliff ahead Is it the answer Or just chalk? Is it the answer? ''Yes, yes,'' they cry! ''Yes, yes.
'' Or is it chalk? No! Forward, over the cliff like yellow lemmings One by one, over, over But the tide is out -Has he finished? -I think so.
Brilliant! What was that about yellow lemons going over the cliff? Shut up, Jerry.
I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
-Your sherry and pistachio nuts, sir.
-Jolly good show.
You're not Rose.
She hasn't got a wonky nose.
You've brought the wrong bally girl.
Rose was indisposed.
Miss Cartwright thought Emma might do.
You've ruined my evening.
Now I've got to go back and listen to that silly poetry.
Go away.
(Playing Jaws-like theme music) Dad, I can't stand this any longer.
If you're not going to do something about it, I am.
(Jaws-like theme music continues) (Music slows) (Music intensifies) Don't worry, Emma.
I'll see you get your money.
Please, Mr Twelvetrees, you've got to help me.
I know you're really a kind man at heart, although you cover it up.
Mr Stokes is a good man deep down.
Ivy, I've known him for many years.
I am not going to risk going to prison to save his skin.
Oh, please don't let me down.
I've always looked up to you.
I've always felt that if I was in trouble, you are the one I could turn to.
But you're not in trouble, Ivy.
Why should you worry yourself over Alf Stokes? 'Cause he's me dad.
Oh, Ivy, I am sorry.
-Oh, please, please help me.
-Now, I need to think.
I'll do what I can.
And, Ivy, you are a good girl.
I am doing this for you.
-Where's he going? -I've told him everything.
-You've done what? -He's going to help you.
Him help me? He hates my guts.
You've really done it now, Ivy.
Wretched thing.
(Door opening) Ah, cook says would you care for a cup of cocoa? Oh, that's very kind of you, but no thank you.
I mustn't stop while it's tacky.
I have to keep the flow going.
As you wish.
crouching in a flower pot Looking through the hole in the bottom In the bottom! I'm safe in my flower pot I'll stay looking through the hole In the bottom CHORUS: In the bottom.
Constable Wilson, I want you to come with me into the drawing room.
-I beg your pardon? -Please, no questions.
Mr Stokes, I want you to come, too.
There you are.
What did I tell you, Ivy? That's your friend for you.
(Ivy sobbing) Ivy, whatever is going on? I'm sorry, Mrs Lipton.
You'll find out soon enough.
-There he is, Officer.
-What's going on? -Is that your coat? -Yeah, what about it? Would you feel in the pocket, Officer? I didn't take it.
Somebody must have put it there.
Oh, dear, oh dear, where have I heard that before? Now, I don't want any fuss.
His Lordship's having a do next door.
And I'll not have him disturbed.
You come with me.
I'm taking you downstairs.
Come on.
-Where have you been? -Mind your own bally business.
You've missed the best bit.
Mrs Lipton, this may be rather unpleasant.
-Would the ladies mind leaving us? -Oh, yes.
Yes, Constable.
I think Ivy should stay.
She's a witness.
Very well, you stay, Ivy.
Now, what have you got to say for yourself? I think you better ask Mr Stokes about all this.
Yeah, well -It was like this -Just a moment, Mr Stokes.
Do you not remember this man? He was with us in the trenches, was he not? -Was he? -Yes.
He saved our lives in the war, 1 91 8.
Oh, yes, he did.
Fancy that.
He saved our lives.
Is this right? Yes, I did.
I saved their lives.
I'm sorry, Constable Wilson.
I know this is against regulations but you can't possibly arrest an old comrade of ours who's fallen on hard times.
I'm not sure about that.
I'm sure Mr Stokes and I would be prepared to make a generous donation to the Police Benevolent Fund.
-Wouldn't we, Mr Stokes? -Oh, yes, we would.
Shall we say P5? Well, I suppose all us old soldiers must stick together.
You've got P5, Mr Stokes, haven't you? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
-There.
-Very well, thank you.
I think you'd better make yourself scarce.
-Oh, I'll see him off the premises.
-So will I.
You're not going to get away with this.
I gave him 200 quid for that box.
Is that it, Alf? -Less the fiver.
-There you are, and you think yourself very lucky.
Here, hang on a minute.
He robbed His Lordship's safe.
I couldn't get the flaming thing open! Well, well, that's all settled then.
You know, I've just been thinking, Ivy, if that man hadn't saved Mr Stokes' and Mr Twelvetrees' lives, they wouldn't have been alive to save The Honourable Teddy's life.
They did a lot of lifesaving in the trenches, didn't they? -Has he gone? -He's gone.
I'll go and tell Mrs Lipton and Mabel it's all over.
Thanks, James.
Mr Twelvetrees, you were wonderful.
-Just wonderful.
-Now, don't get emotional, Ivy.
You're a pal, James.
A real pal.
You planted false evidence, you lied and you cheated just for me.
The trouble with you, Alf Stokes, when it comes to being a villain, you've got the inclination, but you just haven't got the talent.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
-Stand by to pull it up.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
-Kedgeree coming up, James.
-Standing by, Mrs Lipton.
Away you go, Henry.
Going away, Mrs Lipton.
Here's Lady Lavender's tea tray.
She's coming down for breakfast.
Now don't forget, Ivy, it's vacuum cleaner day today.
The Goblin man will be here in a minute.
I hate Goblin day.
Well, it's not right with a big house like this.
I can't do it in three hours.
They should hire it for a whole day.
Well, Lord Meldrum says that money doesn't grow on trees.
Well, it does in his case.
He's got a rubber plantation.
(Knocking on door) Oh, that'll be the Goblin man now.
-Shall I answer it, Mrs Lipton? -No, Henry, Ivy will answer the door.
Morning.
Goblin man.
Which heads do you want? Carpets, upholstery or curtains? I can't do the upholstery and the curtains in three hours.
-Just the carpets.
-There you are, then.
With the carpet head, the hire charge will be two and a threepence.
Mr Stokes will pay you when you come back to collect it.
Well, don't work too hard.
-Here, when's your day off? -Sorry, I'm not allowed followers.
Oh! Oh, Henry, come and give us a hand! Coming, Ivy.
You take the body, I'll take the snake.
That Goblin man tried to get off with me.
Take no notice, Ivy.
He's always making suggestive remarks.
He never makes suggestive remarks to me.
Don't worry, Mabel, he will one day.
If His Lordship bought a Goblin, we shouldn't have to have him round here.
Talk sense, Mabel.
A new Goblin costs seven guineas.
Now, don't you leave it standing idle.
Henry, you go upstairs and help Ivy in the drawing room whilst they're having their breakfast.
When they finish their breakfast, you can do the dining room.
Then the landing whilst they're in the bedrooms, and you can do the bedrooms as soon as you can.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Ivy.
Ivy.
(Vacuum stops) Oh, thank heavens.
It was going right through my head.
Ivy, did you get that share certificate off Henry? No, Dad, and I'm not going to.
Lady Lavender gave it to him.
Now, look, Ivy, she promised them shares to me.
When I sell them to Sir Ralph, I'll have enough money to make you and me independent for life.
I'm not doing it, Dad.
I'm having no part of it.
In that case, I'll make me own arrangements.
-Dad, that's stealing! -No, it's not, I'm going to pawn it.
I'll raise enough to give Henry the 200 quid I promised him and then I'll get it back when I sell the shares.
Ah, Stokes, it's payday for the domestic staff, isn't it? That is correct, sir.
How quickly it comes round.
Far too quickly if you ask me.
Excuse me, m'lordship, this little corner here hasn't been Goblined.
Can I carry on? No, Ivy, there'll be no Goblin going on while His Lordship's in the room.
-Just wait, I'll tell you when.
-Yes, Mr Stokes.
There we are, Stokes.
-Get them to sign for it.
-Of course, m'lord.
Had a daily here once who just used to put a cross.
Really, sir? She knew damn well when her wages weren't right, though.
-Will that be all, sir? -Yes, Stokes.
Hello? Where's Aunt Maude's cigarette box? Mr Stokes, where's the cigarette box? -It's Aunt Maude's.
-I forgot to inform you, m'lord.
When I was cleaning it, I rather carelessly strained the hinge.
I've sent it to be repaired, at my expense, of course.
Ah, good.
There's no need for you to pay for it, just let me know how much it is.
That is very generous of you, my lord.
-It will be returned in a week.
-Jolly good.
What a first class man.
I mean, what butler would get that thing repaired and then offer to pay for it.
You know, you're damn lucky to be working under the influence of a man like that.
-Your footwear, sir.
-Oh, jolly good.
I'm thinking of buying a pair of suede shoes, James.
I see, sir.
You sound as if you don't approve.
Well, they are considered in some circles, sir, to be effeminate.
Really? In that case, I won't buy any.
Always better to err on the safe side in that respect, sir.
Now, James, I wonder if you could carry out a rather delicate mission for me.
Well, I'll try, sir.
I want you to take a note round to Miss Cartwright's apartment.
Are you intending to invite her to Miss Cissy's poetry reading? -Well, yes.
-His Lordship will be most delighted.
What I want you to do, James, is to ask Miss Cartwright if we can borrow her maid.
I see, sir.
Tell her we're short-handed and we need help to hand out the refreshments.
Yes, sir.
She's beautiful, James.
She's got frizzy red hair, a lot of freckles and a slightly wonky nose.
With glasses, sir? No, but she probably needs them.
I shall send her to my optician.
I know just the sort of glasses that would suit her.
Little tortoiseshell ones.
Now, while they're all listening to that boring poetry, I shall slip away and nip into the conservatory.
You'll send her to me with a glass of sherry and some pistachio nuts.
I think the staff might take exception to the presence of another domestic in the household, sir.
Who cares what the bally staff think? The damn cheek.
If I want someone different to bring me my pistachio nuts, I'll jolly well have them.
I'll have 20 girls bringing my pistachio nuts if I want them.
Are the staff getting bolshie? I mean, is there someone down there who's an agitator? I'm sorry, sir.
I will endeavour to arrange things according to your wishes.
It's like this, Mr Fisher.
I need 200 quid in cash.
P200? That's a great deal of money, Mr Stokes.
I know, but listen, Mr Teddy doesn't want the emerald.
So I'll give it you back, you give the 60 quid I paid for it, my IOU, and lend my P1 40 on that.
Oh, that's a very pretty piece.
-A very pretty piece.
-It's a deal, then? Now, just a minute, Mr Stokes.
You know as well as I do, I had that emerald for nine years and couldn't shift it.
-But I only bought it off you yesterday.
-Business is business, Mr Stokes.
May I draw your attention to this notice? Goods once sold cannot be returned.
Come here, you thieving little rat! You'll give me back my 60 quid and my IOU or I'll bash your face in! Hold on, Mr Stokes, hold on! Violence won't get you anywhere.
You're in no position to bargain.
I've only got to take this box to Lord Meldrum and you'll be out of a job.
I don't know the history behind that emerald, but I expect the police would quite like to know about it.
You could end up doing a stretch in Dartmoor.
And it's very damp there.
-Don't you threaten me! -Now, just calm down.
I'll tell you exactly what I'll do.
I'll lend you the P200 and I'll keep the box, the emerald and your IOU.
I'm sorry, Henry, I've got to have a rest.
Personally, I prefer the dustpan and brush.
It gives me such a headache.
Ivy, there's nothing else worrying you, is there? No, of course not.
You're not having trouble with Mr Stokes? No, that was just a friendly kiss you saw him give me in the scullery.
I saw him go into your room last night.
-Oh, heck.
-Well, it's none of my business of course.
Look, Henry, I'm going to tell you something and you've got to swear you'll never, ever repeat a word to a living soul.
Oh, yeah.
Do you swear? -Yeah.
-On your mother's life? I can't, I'm an orphan.
-Well, cross your heart then.
-All right then.
Mr Stokes is my dad.
-Is he? -Yes.
-Really? -Yes, really.
Oh, thank the Lord for that.
I thought that you and him was having a Oh, don't be daft.
He's old enough to be my father.
He is my father.
Now, you promise me you won't breathe a word to a living soul.
-I promise, Ivy.
-Good lad.
Ivy, does Mr Stokes know? Henry, here's that 200 quid I promised you.
Now there's just one thing, you've got to sign a paper to say that you sold me the shares.
I'm sorry, Mr Stokes, I can't do that.
-Why not? -I haven't got them anymore.
Lady Lavender asked for them back so I gave them to her.
After all the trouble I've been to to get the 200 quid? You needn't have bothered.
-If I'd known you was Ivy's dad -Ivy! I'm sorry, I had to tell him you were my dad, Dad.
I would have given them to you for nothing.
I love Ivy.
Oh, Henry.
And I'd like to marry her.
Except for I'm only 1 7 and a half and I ain't got no money.
Oh, Henry.
Never mind that.
Come on, Ivy, we're going to see Lady Lavender now.
Dad, I don't like this.
Can't we just forget about them shares? We've got a lovely job here.
A lovely job here? Waiting hand and foot on these parasites.
For the first time in my life I've got the chance to be someone in this world.
Do you know what my ambition is? I wanna walk in that dinning room where they're all poshed up, drinking port and cracking nuts and going on about the working class, I wanna say, ''Excuse me, m'lord'' (Knocking on door) CAPTAIN: Come in.
LADY LAVENDER: Shut up! Come in.
-Excuse me, m'lady -Quiet.
I'm concentrating.
There.
Don't you think it's like him? -Who? -Captain, my parrot.
It's just a square lump.
That's cubism.
Are you familiar with the cubist movement? You what? Ivy's a very simple girl, m'lady.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
You see, her and Henry are hoping to get married.
Aren't you, Ivy? What? Me and Henry? Who's Henry? The little fat boy, the boots, the one you gave the shares to.
Oh, you mean Steven.
Oh, he's such a nice boy.
Yes, well, you see, he's an orphan.
And he hasn't got any money to pay for the wedding.
Well, the bride's father should pay for the wedding.
Yes, well, he's a drunken wastrel and he's in Dartmoor, isn't he, Ivy? If you give the shares back to me, like you promised, I'll give them the best wedding you ever saw.
And we'll send you a piece of wedding cake.
I'd like to give them back to you, Capes, but I can't.
I'll tell you why.
Come over here.
You see, I promised them to him in the first place.
When he found out I'd given them away, life became intolerable.
He just sat there sulking.
Never said a word.
Made my life hell.
He threw peanuts at me.
(Whispering) Don't let him see we're talking about him.
So I gave them back to him and he ate the certificate.
All except the seal.
Did you know that parrots don't like sealing wax? Cissy, what's this poetry evening thing you've landed us with? Daddy, we must try and keep up with the times.
Everybody's clamouring to have these sort of people for the evening.
They're the rage of the set.
What sort of people are they? Are they decent? Daddy, just because they have beards and don't wear socks, doesn't mean they're criminals.
As long as they're wearing shoes.
We've just had the carpets Goblined.
You'll be well taken care of.
I've asked your Aunt Maude.
Oh, what did you do that for? Well, I'm her favourite niece.
She's leaving me all her jewellery.
Oh, drat.
Stokes has taken that cigarette box she gave me.
Needed repairing.
She's bound to ask where it is.
I'll get Stokes to bring it back.
Otherwise she'll think you've pawned it.
Where have you been? Lady Lav really is barmy, Dad.
She made me pose for her while she did a bust of my head in mud.
Then she give it to me.
Look.
You're not wearing glasses.
I'm not wearing a nose to put them on.
Now, look here, Dad, what was all that about me marrying Henry? I mean, I quite like him, but it's ridiculous.
He's far too young.
I just did that for Lady Lav.
I thought I'd play on her sympathy to get them shares back.
Then she goes and gives them back to her parrot, and he eats them.
I had a fortune in my grasp, Ivy.
-Have you got that seal? -Yes, she gave it to me.
I wonder if I cut the parrot open and got the pieces out, I could stick it back together.
Oh, Dad, don't.
You're going crazy with greed.
Just think of that parrot digesting it.
Ivy, the print might be waterproof.
Dad, give over.
Look, now you don't need the 200 quid to give to Henry.
You better go and get Aunt Maude's box back.
There's plenty of time for that, Ivy.
Ivy, I wish to have a word in private with Mr Stokes.
Go and see if they've finished coffee in the drawing room.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
Alf Stokes, what have you done with that box? The lid was broke.
I've sent it to be repaired.
I cleaned it myself this very morning.
There was nothing wrong with it.
That's the trouble with you, James Twelvetrees, you're too heavy-handed.
You must've bust it when you were cleaning it.
If you've stolen it, I shall denounce you to Lord Meldrum.
I don't care what happens to me.
Keep your hair on.
I pawned it.
You've pawned it? That's as bad as stealing it.
I wanted a few quid for a week or two.
Well, you'd better get it back.
Aunt Maude's coming to Miss Cissy's poetry reading.
Oh, heck.
Thanks for telling me, I'll go get it now.
-What's going on between you and Mrs Lipton? -What do you mean? I've seen the little winks and nudges.
I'm not a fool, you know.
Aren't you? What about all those little private conversations with Ivy? What's going on there? Nothing.
You're old enough to be her father.
You've no principles, Alf.
And you've taken His Lordship in.
They're a decent, upright family.
Decent and upright with His Lordship committing adultery left, right and centre? Mr Teddy putting servant girls in the family way, also left, right and centre? Miss Poppy trying to get your trousers off? Miss Cissy and her friends getting up to things that even I don't understand? Well, they're the upper classes.
We have to make allowances.
You make allowances.
As far as I'm concerned, their allowances are cut off.
Their days are numbered.
I'm in it for what I can get and I advise you to do the same.
(Door slams) Here we are, dear, eight shillings.
It's the best I can do.
Hello, Mr Stokes.
In a hurry? It's all off.
I've got to have that cigarette box back.
Here's your 200 quid.
Oh, my, what a pickle you're in.
Everything keeps going down the WC.
Don't muck about.
I'm an old customer and I'm in dead trouble.
Everyone who comes to me is in trouble.
That's my business, is trouble.
Those three brass balls outside my shop are not Christmas decorations, Mr Stokes.
Come on, give us the box.
I won't let you down, you know me.
I'll make it right in a couple of weeks, I promise.
I'd like to have a shilling for everyone who comes in here and says that.
They'll promise anything.
But I'll tell you this, Mr Stokes, you can't pawn promises.
Please, Mr Fisher.
I'm desperate, really desperate.
Please help me.
Well, perhaps this is your lucky day.
I have something you want very badly indeed and you are in a position to do something for me in return.
Go on, what do you want? You can have the cigarette box and keep the money and we'll be square.
What are you talking about? In return, you give me access to Lord Meldrum's safe.
-For one of your burglar chums? -Don't be old-fashioned, Mr Stokes.
I'll tell you exactly what you do.
You scratch one of His Lordship's cabinets.
In a fit of remorse, you offer to repair the damage.
You call in a French polisher, who happens to be me.
I arrive.
You escort me to the room and in a couple of hours, I've done a high-class repair job and taken one or two bits of His Lordship's jewellery.
Don't talk daft.
If that safe's rifled, the first person they'll suspect is me.
Not a bit of it.
All you have to do is force a catch on a window.
Next morning you come downstairs and say, ''My, my, I do believe we've had intruders.
'' Then if they check your room, you're in the clear.
I'm not doing it.
I don't care what you say, I'm not doing it.
Please yourself.
But I shall be along tomorrow evening with this box in my pocket.
If there's nothing for me to repair, I shall be forced to tell Lord Meldrum how I came by it.
The kettle's boiling, Mrs Lipton.
Shall I make the tea? No, Mabel, I make the tea in this house.
Come and sit down, Ivy, and have a nice cup of tea.
-Good afternoon, all.
-Good afternoon, Constable.
Would there be a cup of your excellent tea, Mrs Lipton? No, they cut the gas off.
His Lordship's gone bankrupt.
Be quiet, Henry.
No sooner do I pour the water on the tea than you appear, Constable.
You must have a sixth sense.
Or hollow legs.
-Come in, James, you're just in time.
-Thank you, Mrs Lipton.
Did Miss Cartwright say that her maid could come and help tomorrow? Yes, it's all fixed.
Ivy don't mind, do you, Ivy? No, poor girl.
Does she know what she's in for? I doubt it.
I couldn't say what Mr Teddy is like to Miss Cartwright.
No, no, of course not.
She's potty about him, isn't she, poor soul.
I felt like some cheap procurer.
What's a procurer? It's a man that smokes bacon, isn't it? A procurer, from the police point of view, is a person who secures the services of a girl of the opposite sex for immoral purposes.
Why, is smoking bacon immoral? Well, I hope that girl is not coming here for, well, what the constable just said.
I found it most distasteful.
You were just obeying orders, Mr Twelvetrees.
No one can blame you for that.
And what are you preparing for dinner, Mrs Lipton? Well, I'm giving the family poached salmon.
But we're a bit fed up with salmon down here so I'm making a nice steak and kidney pie.
-With oysters? -Oh, of course, Constable.
And will there be a portion left over for yours truly? Yes, of course.
No doubt Mr Stokes will produce a bottle of wine that he's opened for His Lordship by mistake.
It's no good pouring it down the sink, Mr Twelvetrees.
There you are, Alf.
You're just in time for a nice cup of tea.
No, thanks.
I've got a splitting headache.
I'm going to lie down for a bit.
I hope you haven't been carrying heavy boxes about, Mr Stokes.
Mr Stokes doesn't handle heavy boxes, James.
What do you mean? Just a private joke between us, Mrs Lipton.
Poor Mr Stokes, he looks right put out.
Ivy, you go up and take him an aspirin.
There's a little bottle in my room on the chest of drawers.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Mr Stokes has been out a lot lately, hasn't he? Well, he's got a lot of legal business troubles to attend to.
I bet it's woman trouble.
He's got swarthy Latin looks, and bedroom eyes.
That's enough, Mabel.
It's time you got on with the vegetables.
Yes, Mrs Lipton.
(Knocking at door) Come in, Ivy.
-Did you get the box? -No, he wouldn't give it me.
I said you shouldn't have taken it, Dad.
It was wrong.
It was stealing.
Ivy, come round here and sit down.
Now listen, everything I've ever done has always been for you.
If it was wrong, at least me heart was in the right place.
I've always given you a good home, haven't I? No, it's been terrible.
I didn't have a mattress till I was 1 2.
Well, you had a bed.
When you're young and not very heavy, you don't need that sort of luxury.
I was only not very heavy because I didn't have enough to eat.
We were poor, Ivy.
But every Christmas, I made sure you had something in your stocking.
It wasn't even my stocking.
I never had any stockings.
You're right, it was one of mine I gave you special for the occasion.
And what about that Christmas I woke up and there was nothing in it and you said we'd had burglars? Stop splitting hairs, Ivy.
I've always tried to give you a good home.
It was not my fault if things went wrong.
Things are always going wrong with you, Dad.
I'm in dead trouble this time, Ivy.
That pawnbroker says if I want that box back, I've got to help him to rob His Lordship's safe.
Dad, you can't.
If I don't, he's going to tell His Lordship I pinched it.
Either way, I'm going to end up in Dartmoor.
What are you going to do, Dad? Ivy, I'll tell you one thing from long experience.
When the going gets really hard and you're right down on the floor, -there's only one thing to do.
-What's that? Nothing.
Just wait and hope something turns up.
-Is the headache gone? -Aye, but the cause of it hasn't.
Yes, if I was in your shoes, I'd have a headache.
Where's that box? It'll be here tomorrow.
Yes.
That's your life, isn't it? Everything's going to be here tomorrow.
What's the matter with that? I'll tell you what's going to happen tomorrow.
If that box isn't back there by the evening, I shall tell Lord Meldrum the whole story.
You'll be on your way to prison and I shall take up my rightful position in this household as butler.
James, I don't believe what I'm hearing.
How could you do that to an old comrade who served in the trenches with you, who faced death with you, who even shared the last tin of Bully Beef with you? It was my tin of Bully Beef.
Pour me a sherry, Stokes.
-Amontillado or Tio Pepe? -Amontillado, please.
I'm afraid I had a rather unfortunate accident with the mahogany table, sir.
-I scratched it rather badly this morning.
-I didn't notice.
I have obtained the services of a French polisher.
He can do it tomorrow evening.
I will pay of course.
That's what I like about you, Stokes.
You play a straight bat.
-Most butlers would blame somebody else.
-I don't hold with that sort of thing, sir.
-Tell the truth and shame the devil.
-You're quite right.
-Good health.
-M'lord.
-Has Miss Cartwright's maid arrived yet, James? -She's due any minute, sir.
-What's her name? -I believe it to be Rose.
Rose.
What a pretty name.
Look, when she gets here, keep her downstairs.
Give her some little job to do like shelling peanuts.
Then when I give the signal, send her to me in the conservatory.
With the sherry and the pistachio nuts.
That's right.
I believe the girl to be rather young and innocent.
You will be circumspect in your treatment of her, sir? Circumspect? What a bally cheek you have! Do you think I'm some sort of animal? Do you think I'm going to paw the girl and drag her clothes off in the conservatory? With all those windows? -I'm sorry, sir.
-I should think you jolly well are.
If you hadn't saved my life, I'd be giving you the bally sack.
-I'm deeply sorry, sir.
-Yes, well, say no more about it.
-Just be more careful in future.
-Of course, sir.
(Knocking on door) Yes.
-CISSY: May we come in? -Yes, I'm quite decent.
Uncle Teddy.
Daddy is going to welcome the guests.
We'd like you to introduce Aubrey Wilmslow.
I don't know anything about him.
Except he writes absolute piffle.
Here are some details.
''Aubrey Wilmslow first came to the attention of the critics ''with his stark, compelling poem Naked.
''This brilliant young innovator ''then turned the world of poetry on its head when he embraced Dadaism.
'' You don't expect me to read this drivel, do you? I was at school with his father.
We used to call him Potty Wilmslow.
Uncle Teddy, you have such a lovely voice.
Please do it.
I know you think it's all rubbish, but he is quite a catch.
And there may be a man from The Tatler to take photographs.
I don't think we've had our photograph in The Tatler, have we, sir? By Jove, no, we haven't.
That'll make the chaps at Boodle sit up.
All right, I'll do it.
And will you be announcing the guests, James? I think that falls within the province of Mr Stokes.
What a pity.
You have such a lovely voice.
Shall I put this tray of sandwiches on the buffet table, Mr Twelvetrees? No, Henry.
You'll put them in the wrong place.
I'll put the sandwiches on the table, you carry on dusting these chairs.
I've never been to a poetry reading before.
What do these poets do? They read poetry, Henry.
What sort of poetry? It's called Dadaism.
What's that? It doesn't concern you, Henry.
Would they like me to do Eskimo Nell? Get your mind out of the gutter and get on with your work.
Yes, Mr Twelvetrees.
-I'll go.
-You'll do nothing of the sort, Mabel.
Have you taken leave of your senses? If Mr Stokes and Mr Twelvetrees aren't here, Ivy answers the door.
If Ivy isn't here, Henry answers the door.
-Off you go, Ivy.
-Yes, Mrs Lipton.
Don't you ever answer the door? Only if the mood takes me.
I don't care who answers the bloody door.
What did you say? Nothing, Mrs Lipton.
-Where's Ivy? -She's answering the door.
Who is it, Ivy? It's a Mr Fisher.
He says he's a French polisher.
It's all right.
I sent for him.
This way, Mr Fisher.
-Good evening.
-Good evening.
Good evening.
What's a French polisher doing here at this time of night? Well, I haven't scratched nothing so don't blame me.
I can't remember the last time I scratched anything.
I'll go and see what's happening.
Wait here.
GEORGE: Come in.
-The French polisher has arrived, m'lord.
-Right.
Send him in.
This way.
-Good evening.
-Good evening, my lord.
Are you going to make some funny smells? Not offensive ones, Your Lordship.
Well, we've got a poetry thing over in the dining room, but we won't be coming in here.
-May he carry on, sir? -Yes, of course.
I'll go and see what the girls are up to.
-Where's the cigarette box? -Here you are.
And here's the emerald and your IOU.
-Now, where's the safe? -Over there.
And here's the scratch.
That should take me about one hour.
That lock won't be much bother.
Ten minutes should see that sprung.
-The sooner you're out of here, the better.
-I've got to make a nice job of it.
Otherwise they might get suspicious.
We don't want that, do we? Get on with it.
(Bell ringing) Dad, who's that French polisher? -He's brought the cigarette box back.
-Is he going to rob the safe? -Yes, Ivy.
-Well, then stop him.
How can I? He's got me.
-What are you going to do? -He'll be in there an hour yet.
I'll think of something.
(Bell ringing) That will be the poetry people.
-Are you answering the door, Mr Stokes? -No, I don't answer the door, James.
You answer the door.
Are you trying to tell me my job? (Bell ringing) Don't keep them waiting, James.
-I feel terribly nervous.
-Whatever for, you silly goose? -You wouldn't laugh, will you, Daddy? -I'll try not to.
Henry, do you know Miss Cartwright's maid called Rose? Miss Cartwright's ''Maid Called Rose''? No, I'm sorry, I don't know it.
Anyway, he won't let me do a poem.
Mr Hamish Kintyre.
Miss Lucille Pennhaligan.
-How do you do? -Miss Francesca Dyke-Hardy.
-Good evening.
-And Mr Aubrey Wilmslow.
Good evening, Mr Wilmslow.
My daughters think you're the cat's pyjamas.
-What does that mean? -Well, it's sort of modern American slang, like ''gee whiz'' and ''swell'' and ''I'll tell the world''.
Really.
-What on earth is that? -It's a Singerphone, Daddy.
-Aubrey writes poetry for the Singerphone.
-Oh, I see.
Does he blow it? No, he speaks into it.
Gives the words roundness.
Absolutely furious.
That fool Francesca Dyke-Hardy left the stand behind.
Well, that's all right.
The boy will hold it.
Oh, Jerry darling, how lovely to see you.
-I brought Cissy's chum Penelope.
-Oh, you are a dear.
-Good evening.
-Good evening.
Are you one of the poets? I'm Jerry.
You know Jerry, Daddy.
He's been here dozens of times.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Get yourself a pew.
Doesn't have a very strong personality, does he? -Miss Penelope Barrington-Blake.
-Hello.
Hello, Penelope.
-Cissy's over there.
-Oh, thanks.
-Cissy, darling.
-Penelope! Oh, you look divine.
Do girls usually kiss each other on the lips these days? -I don't know.
I always kiss girls on the lips.
-Yes, well, we all know about that.
Lady Maude Sainsbury.
Aunt Maude.
George.
-Where's my cigarette box? -In a place of honour, in the drawing room.
Oh dear, they're all arriving thick and fast now.
Them poets are a funny looking lot.
-Have we hid the silver? -I don't think they'd steal, though Lord knows what else they get up to.
-Good evening, all.
-Good evening, Constable.
I've been standing outside for the last 1 0 minutes.
It was a regular pantomime.
There was one young fellow with a great big horn thing like a dunce's cap under his arm.
Is he going to stick it on his head? Oh, well, I expect Ivy'll tell us all about it later on.
There's a young girl waiting outside.
Oh, that must be that girl Rose that James was telling us about.
What's she doing out there? Come in, dear.
You're Rose, aren't you? (Inaudible) I beg your pardon? Speak up, dear.
You don't have to be afraid of the police.
Ah.
Rose couldn't come.
She sent this one instead.
What's your name? -Oh, this is Emma.
-Oh, well.
Hang your coat up, Emma, and sit yourself down.
Mr Twelvetrees will give you your orders later.
My cigarette box is on the desk.
Yes, m'lady.
His Lordship takes great pride in it.
There's a strange man in there.
Praying on his knees to a lot of little bottles.
-Oh, is he one of the poets? -I expect so, Your Ladyship.
Oh, how thrilling.
Dad, you look awful.
-He'll have the safe opened up in a minute, Ivy.
-What are we gonna do? Go upstairs and pack your bag.
We can't run away.
That'll make it look worse.
-You've got to stop him.
-How can I? He's only got to say two words to His Lordship and I'll end up in the clink.
-Dad, don't.
-Get in there and act natural.
-We're all here now, Daddy.
Should we start? -All right.
-Bang something, James, will you? -M'lord.
Good evening, everybody.
Welcome to this recital thing by Aubrey Wilmslow and his troupe.
Now, one thing about being British is that these days, we are not stick-in-the-muds.
So if there is something new around, we are quite prepared to give it a go, whether we like it or not.
Anyway, here is my brother, Teddy.
Aubrey Wilmslow first came to the attention of the critics when he recited his compelling poem Stark Naked.
I'm not surprised.
Shh! I mean, his stark, compelling poem entitled Naked.
Um Oh, Aubrey Wilmslow.
Now, this is my latest poem for voice and Singerphone.
And it's called Lost souls, lost souls, wandering, wandering.
Lost souls, lost souls Wandering, wandering Lost souls, lost souls Pondering Lost souls, lost souls! Where to go? Where to go? Wandering, wandering They see the cliff ahead Is it the answer Or just chalk? Is it the answer? ''Yes, yes,'' they cry! ''Yes, yes.
'' Or is it chalk? No! Forward, over the cliff like yellow lemmings One by one, over, over But the tide is out -Has he finished? -I think so.
Brilliant! What was that about yellow lemons going over the cliff? Shut up, Jerry.
I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
-Your sherry and pistachio nuts, sir.
-Jolly good show.
You're not Rose.
She hasn't got a wonky nose.
You've brought the wrong bally girl.
Rose was indisposed.
Miss Cartwright thought Emma might do.
You've ruined my evening.
Now I've got to go back and listen to that silly poetry.
Go away.
(Playing Jaws-like theme music) Dad, I can't stand this any longer.
If you're not going to do something about it, I am.
(Jaws-like theme music continues) (Music slows) (Music intensifies) Don't worry, Emma.
I'll see you get your money.
Please, Mr Twelvetrees, you've got to help me.
I know you're really a kind man at heart, although you cover it up.
Mr Stokes is a good man deep down.
Ivy, I've known him for many years.
I am not going to risk going to prison to save his skin.
Oh, please don't let me down.
I've always looked up to you.
I've always felt that if I was in trouble, you are the one I could turn to.
But you're not in trouble, Ivy.
Why should you worry yourself over Alf Stokes? 'Cause he's me dad.
Oh, Ivy, I am sorry.
-Oh, please, please help me.
-Now, I need to think.
I'll do what I can.
And, Ivy, you are a good girl.
I am doing this for you.
-Where's he going? -I've told him everything.
-You've done what? -He's going to help you.
Him help me? He hates my guts.
You've really done it now, Ivy.
Wretched thing.
(Door opening) Ah, cook says would you care for a cup of cocoa? Oh, that's very kind of you, but no thank you.
I mustn't stop while it's tacky.
I have to keep the flow going.
As you wish.
crouching in a flower pot Looking through the hole in the bottom In the bottom! I'm safe in my flower pot I'll stay looking through the hole In the bottom CHORUS: In the bottom.
Constable Wilson, I want you to come with me into the drawing room.
-I beg your pardon? -Please, no questions.
Mr Stokes, I want you to come, too.
There you are.
What did I tell you, Ivy? That's your friend for you.
(Ivy sobbing) Ivy, whatever is going on? I'm sorry, Mrs Lipton.
You'll find out soon enough.
-There he is, Officer.
-What's going on? -Is that your coat? -Yeah, what about it? Would you feel in the pocket, Officer? I didn't take it.
Somebody must have put it there.
Oh, dear, oh dear, where have I heard that before? Now, I don't want any fuss.
His Lordship's having a do next door.
And I'll not have him disturbed.
You come with me.
I'm taking you downstairs.
Come on.
-Where have you been? -Mind your own bally business.
You've missed the best bit.
Mrs Lipton, this may be rather unpleasant.
-Would the ladies mind leaving us? -Oh, yes.
Yes, Constable.
I think Ivy should stay.
She's a witness.
Very well, you stay, Ivy.
Now, what have you got to say for yourself? I think you better ask Mr Stokes about all this.
Yeah, well -It was like this -Just a moment, Mr Stokes.
Do you not remember this man? He was with us in the trenches, was he not? -Was he? -Yes.
He saved our lives in the war, 1 91 8.
Oh, yes, he did.
Fancy that.
He saved our lives.
Is this right? Yes, I did.
I saved their lives.
I'm sorry, Constable Wilson.
I know this is against regulations but you can't possibly arrest an old comrade of ours who's fallen on hard times.
I'm not sure about that.
I'm sure Mr Stokes and I would be prepared to make a generous donation to the Police Benevolent Fund.
-Wouldn't we, Mr Stokes? -Oh, yes, we would.
Shall we say P5? Well, I suppose all us old soldiers must stick together.
You've got P5, Mr Stokes, haven't you? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
-There.
-Very well, thank you.
I think you'd better make yourself scarce.
-Oh, I'll see him off the premises.
-So will I.
You're not going to get away with this.
I gave him 200 quid for that box.
Is that it, Alf? -Less the fiver.
-There you are, and you think yourself very lucky.
Here, hang on a minute.
He robbed His Lordship's safe.
I couldn't get the flaming thing open! Well, well, that's all settled then.
You know, I've just been thinking, Ivy, if that man hadn't saved Mr Stokes' and Mr Twelvetrees' lives, they wouldn't have been alive to save The Honourable Teddy's life.
They did a lot of lifesaving in the trenches, didn't they? -Has he gone? -He's gone.
I'll go and tell Mrs Lipton and Mabel it's all over.
Thanks, James.
Mr Twelvetrees, you were wonderful.
-Just wonderful.
-Now, don't get emotional, Ivy.
You're a pal, James.
A real pal.
You planted false evidence, you lied and you cheated just for me.
The trouble with you, Alf Stokes, when it comes to being a villain, you've got the inclination, but you just haven't got the talent.
From Mayfair to Park Lane You will hear this same refrain In every house again, again You rang, m'lord? Stepping out on the town The social whirl goes round and round The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? The Bunny Hug at the Shim Sham club The Charleston at The Ritz #And at the Troc do the Turkey Trot They give Aunt Maude a thousand fits Talking flicks are here today And Lindbergh's from the USA Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.