Zomboat! (2019) s01e05 Episode Script

Seriously? Do you have anything to drink? There's nothing in the kitchen.
- Did you buy any? - Come on, Cat, I'm entertaining.
God.
What have you brought home? You'll like him.
He's Scottish.
Why would I like someone Scottish? You like Pokemon.
Pokemon's not Scottish.
Isn't it? I always thought, you know, like 'Whose, mon!' - Pokemon.
- See? Sounds like someone having a go at you in Glasgow.
- It's Japanese.
- He's not Japanese.
Who's not Japanese? You're not.
Cat fancies Japanese men and she wanted you to be Japanese.
Cat, Jude.
Jude, beer.
You're so drunk.
You're getting eaten by a zombie.
Oh, here she is.
- Enjoy yourself last night? - It was just a couple of drinks.
- That why you missed your shift? - Why aren't we moving? - Don't change the subject.
- No, the subject was moving, - and why are we aren't? - Relax! Engine was getting hot, I'm just giving her a breather.
Which is more than I can say for Sunny.
God.
I think I might've snogged him.
Well, great! The ice queen thaws.
This is a good thing.
No, this is an apocalypse.
Women who have sex always die in horror movies.
Jennifer Tilly, Bride Of Chucky, Janine Taylor from Friday The 13th.
Oh, God, Linnea Quigley, Return Of The Living Dead.
She was eaten by old men.
Old men, Jo.
It was just a snog.
What's the worst that can happen? Was that just a snog? - Why won't you give it up? - I know.
He's obsessed with me.
I think you should accept some responsibility for your own stalker, who is now our stalker.
Oh, well, that's very nice, isn't it? All I do is put everyone else first.
All you do is create mess that I have to clean up.
I step lightly on the Earth.
I have done stuff in the past! Like last night, some of us were working, while you were drinking and snogging your way around this boat.
So I'm gonna get some sleep.
And, you get over me! How can I get more experience if I don't have a go? You can have a go.
Let's just wait for a straight stretch.
- You don't trust my driving.
- Course I do.
Should you even be driving? Didn't hear you get much sleep last night.
Cat, eh? Shut up, man.
Just don't do what you normally do.
It's a small boat, we've all got to live on it.
- What do I normally do? - Panic.
And push them away.
Thank you, Love Doctor.
I'm not actually looking for advice.
Love is like dew that falls on both nettles and lilies.
I'm really far too hungover for this shit.
One stings and makes you want to run away, the other smells nice and makes your life better.
Cat's the lily in this scenario.
- Be nice to the lily.
- I feel rough.
Nice top.
I actually found it on Rakuten, it's like Japanese eBay.
The guy who shipped it actually lived in Akihabara, the electric city, home of otaku.
Smells like rotting flesh.
I know.
Guys, we have a problem.
You don't even know how to start a boat like that.
I can drive that boat, can't I? - Me too.
- Only cos I taught you.
Oh, right, you have to do everything for me, I remember.
- You know I didn't mean it like that.
- I could reverse us.
London is that way.
Hurry up! Jo's boyfriend's here! Stop calling him that! - Is he getting quicker? - Just super keen, maybe.
- It might need petrol! - I know! Kill switch, kill switch What the holy fuck is a kill switch? - Hurry up! - It's the tow cow.
Oh, my God, Cat, I swear, if you don't shut up What? Your attention span is short, that's all.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot it was the end of the world and I didn't get this engine started cos I wasn't concentrating! I'm coming to help.
- What did I tell you? - Nice one.
Okay Jo, jump across and we'll ditch the cruiser.
I'm not ditching it.
Two boats are a liability.
You're sick of cleaning up my mess, well, I've got my own place now.
Okay, no, seriously, come back.
- I need my own space.
- It's too dangerous.
- It's fine! I'll stay with her.
- This is my boat.
We can share the driving.
Please? Don't leave me with the new couple in the double bed.
Fair enough.
I never thought I'd be on one of these.
We're like edgy art students, or an old married couple.
Not that we're old, obviously.
Or married.
- You oaky? - Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely fine.
Why don't I take over? - I don't want you throwing up on me.
- Charming.
Yeah, actually, that might be a good idea, a little lie down.
Why has the engine stopped? Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
- We've run out of diesel.
- Didn't anybody check? - Did you? - I just presumed We should have had enough fuel to take us to the next fuelling barge.
We'll be all right.
Ah, right, really, Sunny? We'll be all right? We've just ran out of diesel.
How is this my fault? Because I feel sick, that's how! Oh, and that's relevant because? Because you thought it would be funny to play beer pong with tequila.
Yeah, well, it was pretty funny, actually.
- And it was your idea.
- Hey, Cat! Need a tow? Isn't it lucky we have two boats? - Is that it? - It looks deserted.
They're right behind us, let's make it quick.
Hello there.
Fill her up? Yeah, yeah, sure.
No back-up, eh? You should always carry some spare fuel.
The gauges are terrible on these narrow boats, I can't tell you the amount of people who get caught out.
Erm, Cat? Can you lead your stalker away, please? Hey, Jude! Oh, what rotten weather we're having.
I mean, say what you like about global warming, but the English summer is still a fickle bugger.
Yeah, isn't it just? That gilet looks very warm.
Where'd you get it? You do know what's happening, right? Well, I did hear on my radio that we're the epicentre of an apparent zombie plague that started in the Five Bells pub on Gass Street.
Five Bells? Turns out the government's mobilised the first armoured division, but they are struggling to contain it.
That what you mean? Yeah.
Yeah, it's a terrible thing.
Still, life goes on.
Come on, keep up.
- I love this boat! - Yeah! God, the freedom.
This is what life's about.
Mistress of your own destiny.
- Let's have a go.
- And the best thing, no Cat.
- Well, until we go back.
- Miss Judgey McJudgeface.
At least I act my age.
She's a disapproving grandmother in the body of a YouTube gamer.
Nightmare.
I could take over if you like.
She makes me clean the shower.
We should just stay on this boat and go to London by ourselves.
- What, alone? - Not alone alone, obviously.
Together alone.
With them, but away from them.
- Like a convoy.
- Convoy, exactly.
Right.
Only there's no toilets, no bed, and a weird smell of fish in the cabin.
Come on, Amar.
The world's ending.
We are finally free to do whatever we want.
- I want to drive.
- Soon, my friend.
Soon.
So cash or card? Only the machine's down, obviously, so if you have the cash, that'd be brilliant.
- Good one, man.
- Yeah, we don't have any money.
What, do you think I should just give you the diesel? It's an apocalypse.
It's a fucking business, is what it is.
But money doesn't mean anything anymore, we're back in the dark ages, presumably with some sort of medieval barter system.
I don't know what planet you're living on, bab, but on this one you pay what you owe.
Fuck me, a shot gun? Who has a shot gun? - This is England.
- I have a certificate.
Some of us prepared.
- For zombies? - Why not? Climate change, religion, bloody Europe, something was bound to crack.
We can talk about this, Lawrence, how about a credit note? An IOU? What do I look like? The tooth fairy? Well done, genius.
I hope you're happy.
I can't believe you told him my sister has money.
- My sister never has money.
- Buying time.
- He was pointing his gun right at me.
- Yeah, it's probably not loaded.
You don't know that.
So last night's, er, fuzzy.
Did, erm, did anything, you know? You don't know? Well, I think I know, but I want to know if you know.
No.
I mean, I think I know.
No, I know.
It shouldn't have happened.
- We've only just met.
- And you're absolutely not my type.
Absolutely not your type? Blunt insensitivity is your most attractive feature.
And sarcasm is yours.
That and your utter inability to get off your arse.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Well, no offence, but you are the laziest man I've ever met.
I mean, it's the end of the world and you've barely lifted a finger.
I'm so sorry I don't follow the great master plan to your exact microscopic letter.
You're the most anal person I've ever met.
I'm not anal, I just like things done right.
That's the definition of anal.
- So are you.
- That makes no sense! - This is the life, isn't it? - Totally.
Careful! Just looks closer your side.
This steering is very touchy.
- I don't mind having a go.
- I'm fine Yeah, but your driving's a bit Well, you know, it's a new skill for you.
You think you can do better? We are a bit vulnerable on our own, is all.
You're kind of a negative person, aren't you, Amar? Not to be negative, but I think we should check for leaks.
Right.
- What are you doing? - Getting off my arse.
Hello? Oh, what? Just wondering what you're going to do with the money.
When you get it.
None of your business.
Only, there's nowhere to spend it.
We've just been to the supermarket.
The only currency's not getting eaten.
Then it strikes me that real goods, like, for example, diesel, are even more important.
Point well made.
Price just went up 50%.
Well done.
What you saving up for? Retirement.
Porsche Boxster, Thai bride, make your own prejudiced guess.
What were you going to do when you retired? All of the above.
I'd like to live in a beach hut.
- Do as little as possible.
- No change there, then.
I'd tour the canals.
Yeah? Well, you've got a boat and all the diesel in the world.
What do you need the money for? You're still there? You okay? Oh, sorry, did you want me to roll over and tell you how, "I see the truth now"? Because that pause was me wondering how someone as stupid as you could think I was that stupid.
And I'm back on my arse.
At least you tried.
Don't flood it.
Again.
I know what I'm doing! Just give it a minute.
He's back! That guy is fast.
He's got a lot of lean muscle.
What is up with him? Jude? Oh, shit, we have to get out of here.
How exactly do we get out of here? Engine's dead, we're taking on water, and your boyfriend's mates will be over in a bit for dinner! Will people stop calling him that? He's just a zombie like the rest of them.
- He's different, Jo.
- He's not different! They can't swim, right? Good riddance.
Honestly, sleep with a guy one time Get off! You'd best get out here.
Jo! Cat! Cat, help! Pull her in, pull her in.
Why won't you stop?! Come on! What are you doing?! Gonna say goodbye to an old flame.
That's a good line.
Health and safety exists for a reason, you know! - Who's got a match? - I'm adding all this to your bill! You're dumped.
- Where's the flames? - It's diesel, love.
It's not all bangs and whooshes, you know.
Oh, fuck! - May I? - No! Okay, it was loaded.
Oh, you pillocks.
Get off! Get off! Back to mine! Give me that.
You drive.
Why won't he just die? It's over, Jude.
Take a hint! - You blew up my boat.
- Oh, come on, Lawrence, give us a break, we're We're just surviving.
We're all human, we should be pulling together, not exploiting one another.
That's just a fancy way of saying you're still trying to rip me off.
Now, does she have my money or not? I've been contactless since 2017.
And we're in this together.
Yeah, you shoot me, you have to shoot all of us.
Fine by me.
I've got your money.
She's yours.
- Take the boat.
- What's the catch? No catch.
Goes like a dream.
Right, guys? Well, she is unsinkable.
And the gilet.
I'm so good at driving boats.
Wind in my hair.
I'm built for it.
Like a much, much younger Daniel Craig.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Just, you know.
- Hey.
- I'll just How's the jacket? Surprisingly comfortable.
Smells of lavender.
- Really? - No.
- You know, it was only a kiss.
- Several kisses.
- Several kisses.
- And a bit of Yeah, nothing two friends can't put behind them.
Yeah.
- Friends? - Yeah.
You smell like toes.
Yeah.
Gonna be weird for you.
No more stalkers.
Trust me, there's always more stalkers.
Not like Jude.
You were right.
I know, he jumped and he was faster, that's not in the rule book.
He was different, we need to know why.
I meant you were right about Doing stuff for me.
You do maybe more than your fair share.
- Maybe? - Maybe.
Maybe I can be a bit controlling.
- Maybe.
- Maybe.
Sorry about your boat.
Didn't even have a kettle.
Animals.
Fancy making me a cup of tea? No.