A.P. Bio (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 According to this gossip column, my nemesis, Miles, is dating Lisa Loeb.
The Lisa Loeb.
Songbird.
Sex in glasses.
Meanwhile, I have had zero bangs since moving to this garbage pile of a town.
That's not gonna work for me, so new plan.
Break up Miles and Lisa Loeb.
The hell's going on here? It's parent-teacher day.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Well Welcome to A.
P.
Bio.
[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart".]
One, two, three, four! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well, I'll be smart [PARENTS CHATTERING INDINSTINCTLY.]
You can't talk to our kids about banging.
I want to see a syllabus, please.
I want to see a syllabus, please.
I want to know "zero bangs"? Okay, listen, listen, listen.
I don't know what your kids told you about me, but I went to Harvard, which means I know how to get in to Harvard, as well as the other Ivies, because they're all a little worse than Harvard.
So keep your hands up if you don't want your kids to go to Harvard or one of the lesser Ivies.
Now, I believe all of your remaining questions can be boiled down to one simple answer.
All of your kids know exactly what they need to do to get an A in my class.
Right, guys? And I'm happy to report that so far, all of your kids, the fruits of your loins, are getting As.
[APPLAUSE.]
So have a great rest of your day, guys.
Excuse me, are we getting individual feedback, yes? You honestly want to know what I think about Marcus? Yes.
Yeah, he's just got a real turd of a personality.
But you two seem like a couple of wet blankets as well.
Here's why Heather's cool.
There's something dangerous lurking inside of her, something edgy.
You need to foster that.
Yeah, guys.
Get me my own pressure cooker.
I want to make brisket, and I want to make it quick.
You're not old enough to get a pressure cooker.
But I'm old enough for an HPV vaccine? Sarika has no sense of humor, zero.
Does she laugh at anything? Sarika refuses to have fun.
- [SCOFFS.]
- You think I want to be spending five hours every Saturday at the academic decathlon? No.
- No.
- No! I'd rather be poolside, buns up, sipping a Malibu.
Seems like one of you ought to give up the perm.
But what about when we get separated at church or Six Flags? We always look for the curl.
Uh Wow.
Hold hands.
Get a leash.
I don't care.
Go away.
Hi.
Mrs.
Um Uh, no, I'm I'm not, um, married.
I'm Trish, Colin's mom.
Oh.
Oh, Colin's mom.
Hi.
Sorry.
Well, I can definitely see where he gets his, um His his book bag.
You got that for him, right? I mean, it's a nice book bag.
- You've got great taste.
- Thank you.
Well, you know, kind of a book bag, clothes connoisseur.
And I mean I certainly didn't just buy the first one I saw.
[LAUGHS.]
This is the first time they've ever worked in that sort of medium.
Ah! And this number one stunner is from our figure drawing class.
The contours are on point.
The shading is oof very fly.
It's beautiful.
Excuse me, that's nudity.
It is nudity.
Did our children see a live nude? No.
I was the model, and I certainly was not nude.
I was wearing a swimsuit and a low-rise jogger.
This technically isn't even nudity.
She wasn't naked, everybody.
Is this why my Trey is suddenly obsessed with extra-long showers? Wrangle this in, Durbs.
I bet the school board would be very interested in this vulgar display.
Vulgar? Excuse you? I have the back of a Gauguin island queen.
I'm gonna take care of this.
Here we go.
Yeah, I fed that sweet little baby bird with a syringe for a week until it got strong enough and flew away.
Hmm.
Yep.
[SIGHS.]
So I'm not a parent, but I get it.
Birds weird me out.
Yeah, they're filthy.
Anyway, I'm sorry that I missed the class intro.
My rehearsal went long.
She plays cello at the Toledo Symphony Orchestra.
- Yeah.
- First chair.
Cellos weird me out.
Yeah, they're filthy.
[LAUGHS.]
- [BELL RINGS.]
- See you later, Mom.
Oh, um, hey, why don't we hang out sometime? - Maybe tonight? - Sure.
Do you want to come by for dinner? Ooh, I don't know.
I was gonna eat this frozen burrito, but I feel like that's not gonna turn for another year, so yeah.
Um, well, do you want to take my number? I'm already Oh, you're already putting it.
419-555-0199.
Okay, I'll call you or I will text you.
Okay.
We'll see which it is.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hope you like pinot.
I do.
Oh.
Well, you left the price tag on.
$27? - Jeez, fancy.
- Yeah.
The guy at the liquor store offered to razor it off, and I said, "No, I don't want you to do that.
I want her to know how classy I am.
" Oh.
Answer: very.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Come in.
- All right.
[DELICATE PIANO MUSIC.]
Well, this smells absolutely delicious.
Thank you.
Spaghetti Bolognese.
It's my only specialty.
It's kind of a hard first date food, though.
Yeah, there's no sexy way to eat spaghetti.
- No.
- Unless you're one of those Disney hobo dogs.
They're pretty good at it.
Yeah, or one of those snobs that twirls their pasta on a spoon.
So un-American.
Well, wait a sec wait.
You put the spoons out.
Why'd you do that? For ice cream, you Communist.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
This is fun.
It's been a while since I hung out with a nice guy.
Mom, I'm home! The movie was cancelled 'cause there was a rat in the theater that bit a stupid girl's toe.
It's like, "Don't wear sandals to a movie.
Wear sneakers.
" Hey, Mr.
Griffin.
I'm sorry.
Is it okay if he joins us? - Yeah.
No, no, absolutely.
- Okay.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
Guys want to hear more about the rat? Saw it pretty good.
- Nah.
- Sure, honey.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's Let's hear about the rat.
So like, you know, Cornish game hen - Mm-hmm.
- Pigeons, things like that.
You know, it's basically like a historical recreation of [COUGHING, GAGGING.]
Like a historical recreation of what Beethoven ate.
- Like a food diary, basically.
- Hmm.
- Wow.
- Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Mom, can you cut this for me? The noodles are sticking to my uvula.
I think you're, uh, old enough to cut up your own spaghetti there, champ.
Yeah.
Um, anyway, when Beethoven went deaf [KNIFE SQUEAKING.]
Uh, his other senses just went absolutely bananas.
What? Sorry.
You know, Colin, I'll just cut it.
Have you ever read any historical food diaries? I haven't read a food diary per se, but in "The Diary of Anne Frank," she talks about the monotony of the potatoes.
- Does that count? - No.
Well, I think it does.
Right, I mean, why wouldn't it count? Yeah.
[LANGUID MUSIC.]
All right, I'll go get dessert.
All right.
Sounds good.
All right.
- I'll give you 20 bucks - Make it 40.
Fine, $40.
Okay.
Salted caramel sundaes.
Mom, Mr.
Griffin gave me 40 bucks.
- For what? - I don't know! [CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Just yeah.
[STAMMERS.]
[SMOOTH SAXOPHONE MUSIC.]
- Ah! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Yay.
Sometimes I play my sax so hard, I get a tongue rash from the reed.
But the cool thing about a tongue rash is, you can scratch it with your teeth.
Like this.
See? Ugh.
I'm tired.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Okay.
Well, good night, baby duck.
- Quack! - [LAUGHS.]
No.
So Would you like to retire to the sofa? And we could talk about historical food diaries.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Was that boring? I thought it was a little more interesting than tongue rashes.
[LAUGHS.]
I don't know, though.
I think I think this one wins.
[LAUGHS.]
Maybe when you do it.
Oh, my god, wait.
What? Can I see your tongue again? Because you know what? You might have poison ivy, but I'm not sure.
I need to take a little bit of a closer peek.
Mom! I cut my nostril with the nose hair scissors.
There's blood.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I should go help him.
I mean, the poor kid has orange nose hairs.
If he doesn't stay on top of it, he'll be crucified.
- Yeah.
- Um Thanks for coming by.
Oh, okay.
I should go.
[GRUNTS.]
- All right.
- [COLIN SNEEZES.]
I sneezed on the guest towel.
I think it's totaled.
- Sorry.
- Nah, it's okay.
Um, have a good night.
Yeah, you too.
I'll see myself out.
- It's cool.
- Okay.
[BELL RINGS.]
Go.
Sara Baker, sophomore, volleyball, peanut allergy.
Exacta-lootly! - [LAUGHS.]
- CROWD: Bring back our back! Bring back our back! Is that pregnant mouse in the water fountain again? Please, just let her have her babies in there, Ralph.
[MUFFLED CHANTING CONTINUES.]
She's old! All: Bring back our back! - Bring back our back! - Bring back our back! - You got to - ALL: Bring back our back! Hey, please! You're gonna interrupt classes, all right? Ladies and - Coach.
- Good.
The school needs to know that you hate art.
Yeah, you hate it.
I don't hate art.
The the parents thought that the back drawing was gateway nudity.
And when you think about it, the back is around the corner from the boobs, and then you make a right turn, and you're at the butt.
Sounds like Ralph is thinking a lot about boobs and butts.
Right, while we're out here fighting for art.
Is this a school or a dictatorship, Chairman Mralph? - ALL: Chairman Mralph! - All right.
- ALL: Chairman Mralph! - Guys, Chairman Mralph! Guys, guys, "Chairman Mralph" is a little bit of a stretch, okay? I'm gonna fix this, all right? - ALL: Chairman Mralph! - Okay, fix it.
ALL: Chairman Mralph! So what's wrong with you? I'm sweating so hard, I think I'm gonna pass out.
Well, then lose the turtleneck.
I can't.
And I don't want to talk about it! ALL: Chairman Mralph! Chairman Mralph! What? Oh.
You're here! I mocked up an incriminating photo to send to Lisa Loeb.
It's Miles licking Alanis Morissette's neck.
Wow, Anthony, that You're an artist.
Go for it.
Get it done.
Hey, Colin.
You know, I was just thinking I'm so curious.
Did you happen to bang your mom last night? Because I sure as hell didn't.
- No.
- Wait.
Are you dating Colin's mom? Isn't that a conflict of interest? Are you gonna start giving him extra credit - because you're doing his mom? - He's not doing my mom.
Yeah, because you wouldn't leave us alone long enough to do it.
By the way, I want my 40 bucks back.
I tried to leave you alone and go to bed.
Man, you blocked me all night.
You brought out your saxophone.
You showed us how to stop a ceiling fan with your hand.
That's not a cool trick.
Mr.
Griffin, have you ever dated a single mom? Uh, yeah, yeah, one time.
But she had a C-section, so it was all good.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You are a bad person.
Yeah, I forget you don't get jokes.
Tell your mom that one.
She'll love it.
You know, the obvious way to a single mom's heart is through her child.
You should have shown Colin some love.
- Yeah, she would have popped off on you, boss.
Okay, look, guys.
Let's get one thing straight.
This isn't one of those cheesy "Jerry Maguire" type situations where I win the mom by falling in love with the freaky looking kid.
Fine.
Then it's bye-bye Trish.
All right, shut up, Marcus.
Shut up.
Let me think.
Okay, we need to make a pros and cons list.
Yeah.
That's what we'll do.
Victor, go to the board.
On the pro side, she's, uh well, gorgeous.
Smart.
She's funny.
Talented.
And on the con side Well, really Really, it's just Colin.
I mean, I really hate the Colin part.
Yeah, if you become Colin's dad, he'll probably be the last face you see as you take your dying breath.
I know, but I just can't stop thinking about her.
She's probably chilling in a bath tub right now.
She's at work.
Let me ask you a question.
Does Colin's mom give you butterflies? What, like, in my tummy? Hell yes, Anthony.
If it's legit tummy butterflies, then isn't it worth being Colin's fake dad? Yes.
Yes! Yes, you guys, it is! I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna go for it.
I'm crushing hard on Colin's mom.
Yeah.
All right, yeah, man.
Let's do it, Colin.
What's up, man? You want to - Wait, you want to play catch? - No.
But I do need to build a rocket for the father/son rocket launch.
[GROANS.]
God, I hate that name.
Father/son rocket launch? But, yeah, I'll do it.
I'll do it, yeah.
Let's build a rocket together.
I'm gonna suffer through it.
I'm frickin' enamored! - [APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo! Yeah! I must have her! [APPALAUSE CONTNUES.]
Students must disperse from the lobby and go back to their classes.
I gotta know what's under that turtleneck.
I have an embarrassing back tattoo.
"M loves KJ"? Wait, those are your husband's initials.
Michelle loves Keith Jones.
Why is that embarrassing? I got it before I met Keith.
It stands for Kendall Jackson.
The chardonnay? Please don't tell him I have a tattoo.
He hates chardonnay.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
Keith has never seen your back, ever? I mean, what about bikinis? What about them? I mean, are we just gonna bring up anything now? What about lawn mowers? - No.
No.
- Okay, everybody, you know what to do.
You got to be the back to ALL: Free the back! Backs aren't bad, and that's a fact.
- You got to be - Okay, everyone.
I've heard your cries for justice.
And I think I found a solution that will please all sides.
[ALL GASP.]
That's body-shaming! ALL: Body-shamer! Body-shamer! Body-shamer! Body-shamer! - Body-shamer! - Get him! - ALL: Body-shamer! - Don't let him get away! All right, now we gotta make sure we glue these fins on perfectly straight.
It's the only way to humiliate all those other rockets.
Hey, guys.
Just baked these for you.
Be careful.
Don't burn your mouths.
[LAUGHS.]
You having fun? He's doing most of it.
Oh, no, that's not true.
No.
I was actually just teaching Colin here the value of two-part epoxy.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you got a real special guy on your hands here, Trish.
I love him.
I love your son.
Okay.
Oh, uh, Col, your dad said that you called this morning to ask him to bring by his bike pump today, but he can't do it.
[SIGHS.]
- Dang it! - Whoa! Dude, what are you doing, man? Watch the rocket.
I don't care about the dumb rocket.
I wanted my dad to come here, see me and you building this thing and get super jealous.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You were using me? I was just using you.
Yeah, I was, but it didn't work.
Now get! Did you just tell me to "get"? Are you still here? I said, "Get!" No, I'm not gonna "get!" We're sticking to the plan, and we're building this stupid rocket and your mom's gonna pop off on me.
Excuse me? No, no, no, no.
Dude, that's not even my expression.
That's, like, something I heard, like, one of the girls in my class say.
That's so much worse.
Yeah, that That sounded bad.
No.
No, no.
Honestly, Trish.
That's not how I feel about you.
You heard the lady, Jack.
- Get.
- Oh, my god.
What is this "get" business? No.
Look, okay, Trish, I'm tired of this.
You gotta choose.
Either him or me.
What? Him! Obviously him! Aww! [STAMMERS.]
[SCOFFS.]
Come on.
Real For real? Get! You know what? Fine.
I'm taking my two-part epoxy.
Oh, my god.
All: Shame on you! Shame on you! Shame on you! - Shame on you! - Shame on you! - Shame on you! - Have you all lost your damn minds? A Durbin piñata? Okay, you guys took it way too far.
Everybody, go back to class! [SIGHS.]
Oh, my kingdom.
What happened to my kingdom? I'll tell you what happened.
You used to be a cool-ass king, but now you're wack as hell.
I shut down the protest, Ralph.
'Cause I have your back, even though you didn't have mine.
That's an incredible likeness.
We just finished the papier-mâché unit.
I'm a good teacher, Ralph.
I know.
You're you're the best.
I should have supported you.
But I pussed out in front of all those parents.
I [SIGHS.]
You know what? I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.
To make up for it, I am gonna put this right here.
So that your beautiful, strong, sexy, brave, empowered back will watch over every move I make as king of this high school.
Okay.
Now you're making this weird.
Weird? This is art.
Look at the supple shoulder blades.
[GASPS.]
The voluptuous spine.
You know what? I'm taking this.
You can't be trusted.
You want it too bad.
Dirty Durbs trying to peep my back? No, please.
All right, guys.
Grade update.
Everybody's got an A except for Colin, who has an F.
You're just mad because my mom won't give you an F.
CLASS: Ooh! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, we're doing "Oohs" now? Huh? Is that gonna be a thing? What's the real reason you're mad? He's just mad 'cause his dad sucks.
News flash, Colin: All dads suck.
Okay? All they do is yell at the TV and burp loudly while talking and forget to take you fishing every single Saturday for six months even though you bought ice fishing boots with your birthday money.
Dads are full idiots! That hurt runs deep, y'all.
Wearing a ladies' shirt? It's a male leotard for a protest that's now over.
Does anyone have an XL cardigan or a shawl? The point is, Colin, nobody likes dads, all right? Class, raise your hand if you like your dad.
- Yeah.
- He's my hero.
I love my dad even though he restricts my Internet access.
Even you, Devin? Oh, yeah.
My mom's the problem.
I guess we're the only ones with bad dads.
- [MILITARISTIC MUSIC.]
- [ROCKET HISSES.]
All right.
Now, if you hit the ball just right, you should hit one of the rockets and cause a domino effect.
My mom would probably think this is cool of you.
Yeah, well, this isn't about her.
All right, go ahead and line up your shot.
Go ahead.
A little bit wider on your stance there, bud.
Good.
All right.
Give it a blast.
I missed it.
Okay.
Uh Well, look, man.
It had a lot of power on it.
[LAUGHS.]
I certainly felt the wind.
Here.
Let me let me give it a whirl.
Let's see what we got here.
All right.
- [SCREAMS.]
- Oh! Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! What are you doing, man? What are you doing? Come on.
[LAUGHTER.]
I see them! - Up there! - Get 'em! Good morning, Lisa Loeb, my little snuggle bug.
What the hell is this, Miles? That's not me.
Read the caption.
"Nothing better than a quick neck lick in a DQ parking lot.
" - The DQ? - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Is that where you take all your musician girlfriends, Miles? - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
- Alanis Morissette! [GRUNTS, GLASS SHATTERS.]
[LAMP CLATTERS.]
No, no.
Not my Michelle Obama [GLASS SHATTERS.]
Commemorative plate.
Ah, that's expensive.
[GLASS SHATTERS, BOOKS THUD.]
You missed one, baby.
[LAUGHS, POTTERY SHATTERS.]
- [GRUMBLES.]
- No, no, no, no.
Don't do that.
You'll put your back out.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
That that is not real.
That is some exceptionally good photo doctoring, but it's not real.
This, this heat, this fire, all this mess: this, this is real.
- I hate you.
- Good.
Because you can't hate what you don't love.
Huh? All right.
Yeah.
[intro to Lisa Loeb's "Stay" plays.]