A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 (THEME SONG PLAYING) Look away, look away Look away, look away This show will wreck your evening Your whole life and your day Every single episode Is nothing but dismay So look away Look away, look away The Baudelaires' new guardian is wracked By fear and panic They end up on a boat That might as well be the Titanic We polled a bunch of adults 99% agree There must be something happier onscreen For you to see Just look away, look away There's nothing but horror And inconvenience on the way Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" And they will say Look away, look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away Look away, look away KLAUS: "Violet, Klaus and Sunny: By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end.
My heart is as cold as Ike, and I find my life inbearable.
I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have lead leadled me to this desperate akt but please know that I am much happier this way.
As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men.
Please think of me kindly, even though I'd done this terrible thing.
Josephine Anwhistle.
" - VIOLET: It can't be.
- Can't be.
When you lose someone important to you, "it can't be" are often the words that run through your saddened head.
It can't be that I've lost someone so important.
It can't be that I will never see them again.
It can't be, it can't be it can't be.
My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my job to report the history of the Baudelaire orphans, but it can't be that you have nothing better to do.
The Baudelaires believed, incorrectly, that they would never see their Aunt Josephine again, but it can't be that you are interested in watching them suffer as her last words echo again and again throughout her empty and doomed house.
It can't be.
VIOLET: "As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men.
Please think of me kindly even though I'd done this terrible thing.
" (CHEERILY) Yes, yes.
I understand.
I'll tell them.
Of course, I'll tell them.
I promise I'll tell them.
Goodbye.
Mr.
Poe says we can always rely on Mulctuary Money Management.
I just can't believe it.
It's all there in ink and shaky handwriting.
Aunt Josephine is dead and she's left us in the care of Count Olaf.
It's not right.
There's something funny about this note.
There's nothing funny about a woman throwing herself out a window.
Not funny as in a funny joke.
Funny as in a funny smell.
Let me show you.
In the very first sentence, she says, "My life will be at it's end.
" - And now it is.
- That's not what I mean.
She says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S, meaning "it is.
" She means I-T-S.
That's a sizable grammatical error.
Who cares about grammatical errors when she jumped out a window? Aunt Josephine would've cared.
She said grammar was the greatest joy in life.
That's not enough.
No matter how much she liked grammar, she says she found her life unbearable.
That's another error.
She didn't say she found her life unbearable, with a U.
She said she found her life inbearable, with an I.
That's not a word.
Our situation isn't inbearable.
It's unbearable.
Aunt Josephine left us in the care of Captain Sham, and I don't know what we can do about it.
I wish we'd never read Mr.
Poe that note.
Then we could've torn it up and forged a new one in her handwriting that didn't mention Captain Sham.
Wouldn't it be difficult to imitate her handwriting? Maybe it's not her handwriting at all.
(MR.
POE COUGHING) Forgery? That's a very serious charge.
- Not as serious as murder.
- Which is what Count Olaf did.
He murdered Aunt Josephine and forged a note.
Again with Count Olaf.
I must say, other than a gaping, middle-aged woman-shaped hole in the window, I can see no sign of a struggle or a break-in.
We told you.
Count Olaf didn't have to break into Aunt Josephine's house.
He was in disguise and Aunt Josephine fell for it, hook, line and sinker.
Please, there's no time for fishing jokes.
There's a very simple way to tell who wrote this note.
We simply have to compare it to your Aunt Josephine's handwriting.
That's actually an excellent idea.
You are very intelligent children, but even the most intelligent people sometimes need the help of a banker.
Wait right here.
Here's Aunt Josephine's shopping list.
We can use this to compare.
Oh, look here.
Look at the V in "Several gallons of Vinegar," and how it matches the V in "Violet" she wrote in the note.
And look at the C in "Cold Soup Ingredients," and how it matches the C in "Captain Sham.
" And look where she writes "I think shopping is terribly dangerous" and how it matches "think of me kindly, even though I'd done this terrible thing.
" It should be "I've done this terrible thing.
" Yes, it is a terrible thing, and I'm sure it's very upsetting to read.
But once and for all, we can see the note is not a forgery.
You're right.
But why would this Captain Sham person go through so much trouble just to place you under his care? We've already told you, Captain Sham is Count Olaf in disguise.
Now then, I know you three have had some terrible experiences, but you mustn't start letting your imaginations get the best of you.
Remember when you were staying with Uncle Monty? You were convinced that his assistant, Stephano, was actually Count Olaf in disguise.
Stephano was actually Count Olaf in disguise.
MR.
POE: The point is that you can't just start jumping to conclusions.
You've jumped to the conclusion that this note was a forgery, and now you're jumping to the conclusion that a villainous man who swore he'd stop at nothing until he got ahold of your parents' enormous fortune is involved in some plot to get ahold of your parents' enormous fortune.
You don't have to believe us.
See for yourself.
His troupe has been camped outside all night keeping an eye on us.
Ah, I see an approaching hurricane, but no theatrical troupe.
It's like I said, Baudelaires.
You're letting your imagination get the best of you.
Imagination's all well and good for children's books or digital entertainment, but this is real life.
Mr.
Poe, you have to believe us when we tell you that Captain Sham is really Count Olaf.
Aunt Josephine's note might not have been forged, but there's something suspicious going on.
It's full of grammatical errors.
Children, disguises and grammatical errors, these are dire accusations, but they're easily investigated.
We can settle the whole matter over brunch.
Brunch? Yes, it's a word for the combination of breakfast and lunch.
We know what brunch means.
Oh, good, then you'll have an easy time with the menu.
Captain Sham's invited us all to a restaurant to talk this over.
You've already spoken with Captain Sham? Yes, by some strange coincidence, he called me accidentally, trying to reach a knife store to buy a surprise for some children he knows.
He was shocked to hear about Josephine's death, but overjoyed at the prospect of raising you children.
What sailor wouldn't be? We're not going to brunch with that villain.
- We'll stay here and examine the note.
- Oh, no, no, Baudelaires.
I want to settle this matter once and for all.
They tell me Hurricane Herman is going to be so enormous and menacing it'll most likely shut down all electric power in the city.
So I want to settle this quickly, put you in the hands of a sailor I just met on the phone, before returning safe and sound to the city.
(COUGHS) Children, I promise to investigate this man Captain Sham to the fullest extent of my ability as a banker.
If he's in disguise as you claim, the eyes of Poe will catch it immediately.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) You probably know of a plant called the Venus flytrap which grows in the tropics and in the apartments of certain lonely people.
The top of the plant is shaped like an open mouth with toothlike spines around the edges.
When a fly attracted to the smell of the flower lands on the Venus flytrap, the mouth of the plant begins to close, trapping the terrified fly who slowly, slowly, slowly dissolves into nothing.
As Violet, Klaus and Sunny arrived at their brunch with Count Olaf, a few minutes late because Mr.
Poe missed the turn they felt as helpless as a fly as Count Olaf's evil scheme closed around them.
Sadly, they would not learn for a long time that someone was there, desperately trying to help them.
Uh, hello, I'm Larry, your waiter.
Welcome to the Anxious Clown Restaurant, where everybody has a good time whether they like it or not.
I can see we have a whole family lunching together, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer.
It's a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce.
Well, that sounds wonderful! Extra Special Family Fun Appetizer for an extra special family.
Mine.
I'll just have a glass of water, thank you.
Same for me.
And a glass of ice cubes for my baby sister, please.
I'll have a cup of coffee with nondairy creamer, please.
Oh, no, Poe.
Let's, uh, share a nice bottle of red wine.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, no, thanks, Captain Sham.
I don't drink during banking hours.
Yeah, but it's a celebratory brunch.
We should drink a toast.
After all, it's not every day that a man becomes a father of three children.
MR.
POE: Please, Sham.
It's heartening to know that you're glad to raise the children, but you must understand, the children lost their Aunt Josephine.
They're rather upset.
SHAM: I'm upset, too.
I'm I'm probably more upset.
Josephine was my, uh (VOICE BREAKING) uh Josephine was my oldest and dearest friend.
Thank you.
You met her yesterday at the town market and petting zoo.
It really does seem like yesterday, but actually it was many years ago.
She and I met at cooking school.
We were oven partners in the Advanced Baking Course.
You weren't oven partners.
Aunt Josephine was desperately afraid of turning on an oven.
Soon we became fast friends, and then one day she said to me, "If I ever adopt some orphans and then meet an untimely death, promise me that you will raise them as if they were your own.
" Of course, I agreed, but I had no idea I would have to keep that promise.
Josephine is dead? (THUNDER RUMBLING) Yes.
Josephine Anwhistle jumped out of the window of her own home late last night.
Didn't you hear? I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.
In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers.
The pickles, mustard and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger, which is guaranteed to get ya smilin', too.
So make sure you look inside before you eat it.
Well, that's a wonderful idea.
Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers for everyone, Larry! - (SIGHS) - Odd service, here.
- It's the off-season.
- Ah.
Nice performance out there.
Stick to the script and we won't throw you to the leeches.
Yeah, no funny business, clown.
It's Larry.
I told you my name is Larry.
- We don't care what your name is.
- Or what gender you are.
Or whether that hair is real.
- It's a clown wig.
- HOOK-HANDED MAN: We don't care! white-faced women: Make sure you don't blow this.
- So if you want to make it out of here - Alive.
- With both hands.
- you better do exactly what we say.
You're gonna fix a nice lunch for everybody.
- With no tricks.
- No knockout drugs.
- No poison.
- And no secret messages written in - Ketchup.
- Mustard.
Or wasabi mayo in the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers! You'll never defeat us.
You can surround us.
You can throw us out of windows.
You can threaten us and make us cook for you Sorry to interrupt, but what's the soup of the day? I want to emphasize straightaway that the Baudelaire fortune will still be under my supervision until Violet comes of age.
What fortune? I don't know about any fortune.
- (HISSES) - MR.
POE: The Baudelaire parents, uh, have left behind an enormous fortune that the children will inherit when Violet comes of age.
Oh, I have no interest in a fortune.
- I've got my sailboats.
- (CHUCKLES) Mr.
Poe, Sunny's right.
Surely you can finally see that this man Beverages! - Coffee for the gentleman.
- Thank you.
A Fuzzy Navel for the sailor.
- What? - A gift from someone in the kitchen.
- And water and ice for the Baudelaires.
- You know our names? Of course I don't know your names.
(BREATHING SHAKILY) MR.
POE: I've completely forgotten what we were saying.
Don't you hate that? We were saying that is Count Olaf.
- What, the waiter? He did seem odd.
- No, not the waiter.
You! You've done something terrible to Aunt Josephine and you're scheming to get our fortune.
(SCOFFS) Why would Captain Sham do something terrible to his closest friend? Good point, Poe.
- He isn't Captain Sham.
- BOTH: He's Count Olaf.
(COUGHING) Baudelaires, I've been more than patient with you.
I understand that losing your parents and your home has had an emotional effect, as I imagine it would have on many people.
I've done the best I can to find a suitable home for you, but nothing I do seems to be good enough.
And now, faced with a perfectly legal last will and testament that will place you in the care of a sailor you met yesterday, you start to spout these wild, McCarthyesque accusations.
What he said.
(MR.
POE SCOFFS) But if you insist I will prove to you that Captain Sham and Count Olaf are two completely different people, step by step, as if you were babies.
Here are your Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers! - Count Olaf has one long eyebrow.
- I meant to ask - While Captain Sham has one eyepatch.
- During damp weather, I can hardly wink.
if any of you had any food allergies Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle.
so I might've informed the chef While Captain Sham has half a broomstick where his left ankle should've been.
We prefer the term "peg leg.
" who certainly would not want anyone to have an allergic reaction MR.
POE: Count Olaf would have just met Josephine that would force them to leave the restaurant.
MR.
POE: while Captain Sham has known her for many years.
Along with her husband, what's-his-name.
Count Olaf is a murderous man who's only interested in your parents' money, while Captain Sham has expressed great interest in raising you children - without touching a single penny.
- We'll see.
- We're allergic to peppermints.
- SHAM: What? We'll see.
Get me another navel! So, can we all agree that Captain Sham has none of the hallmarks, - earmarks or benchmarks of Count Olaf? - Agreed.
If we could just go back to Aunt Josephine's house.
There's something strange about that note.
We've already been over the note, Baudelaires.
It's not a forgery.
And the grammatical mistakes are merely the nervousness of any woman who was about to throw herself out a window.
Hear, hear.
MR.
POE: Now, Captain Sham, I have some papers in my briefcase that I need you to sign.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - And then the children will be mine? (CHUCKLES) You'll be caring for them, yes.
And there's nothing in the world that can stop me? Well, that (CHUCKLES) A peculiar way of saying it, but, yes.
I brought the bill.
Take your time.
I'm sure none of you are in any particular hurry.
The banker's buying.
Oh, oh! (CHUCKLES) Well, okay, that that's fine.
Uh, Sham, I need to have a few words with you about the children's education.
Oh, I've always been a big supporter of the school voucher system.
- Have you indeed? Tell me more.
- Yeah.
Everyone is allergic to something.
Whether it is gluten, injustice, dark chocolate, corruption, pollen or common decency.
- And you'll do all the dishes.
- (LAUGHING) The Baudelaire orphans were allergic to peppermint.
Their allergies were notoriously quick-acting and powerful.
Of course, if you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.
But Violet, Klaus and Sunny knew that this was an emergency.
The strange message they had received seemed to indicate there was more for the Baudelaires to investigate, but not until after they got away from Count Olaf and his miserable lunch.
So while Mr.
Poe began to tell a very boring story That reminds me of a time I bought a carton of milk.
Well, the clerk asked me what kind of milk the children unwrapped their peppermints and placed them into their mouths.
MR.
POE: almond milk, whole milk.
And so I said, "Low fat, please.
" And then the clerk leads me to the dairy section where the milk is kept, and then he said to me, proud as can be You look terrible! We're having allergic reactions.
I feel (LISPING) I feel quite terrible.
Goodness gracious, Violet, you have huge, ugly, red patches on your skin.
Klaus, your tongue is swelling.
Sunny, both things are happening to you.
- I'm sure it's nothing.
- Nothing? Violet has a hive on her face the size of a hard-boiled egg.
They just need to take some deep breaths.
- I think we should go home and rest.
- An excellent idea.
Poe, it's in the middle of brunch.
Just lean back in your seat.
Captain Sham, the children are quite ill.
Let's pay the bill and take the children home.
No, no.
We can go home by ourselves.
I wouldn't dream of leaving you alone.
(MR.
POE SIGHS) Well, there is the matter of the paperwork to go over to make the, uh, adoption official, and, frankly, I would like to take advantage of the Fickle Ferry's, uh, prehurricane special reduced ticket prices.
- (SIGHS) - VIOLET: Yes, finish the paperwork and have a relaxing lunch.
Captain Sham can come fetch us at Aunt Josephine's house.
I'll see you very soon.
(THUNDER CRACKING) MAN 1: Save the fish heads! - MAN 2: Storm's comin'! - (KLAUS LISPING INDISTINCTLY) I can't understand what you're saying, but I assume that you think we ought to decode Aunt Josephine's note before Count Olaf and Mr.
Poe finish the paperwork.
But how are we gonna get all the way back up to Aunt Josephine's house? Does anybody need a ride someplace for a reasonable fee? Believe me, I've had this conversation a million times.
If you look at the white whale in terms of postcolonialism Thank you, sir.
Call me Ishmael.
We don't have much time before Hurricane Herman arrives.
- (LISPING) The library.
- Good idea.
The library.
(KLAUS LISPING INDISTINCTLY) Got it.
Sunny and I will take baking soda baths to treat our hives, while you begin your research.
(LISPING) Exactly.
Nouns and verbs.
MR.
POE: And those moneys are locked into the tuition fund.
So the tuition fund cannot be spent, for example, on a pair of diamond cufflinks? Just asking.
All you do is sauté garlic and onions in a pot, then add onions, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes Stop being friendly to him! (PHONE RINGING) Anxious Clown Restaurant.
This is Larry, your waiter.
Alive? Where? Peru? (SOFTLY) Secure for the moment, but you need to know Who is this? Hello? Hello? How does it work? Hello? - The restaurant's been compromised.
- We can't wait for the weather to clear.
It's gonna take more than a hurricane to keep us from our children.
- Hurricane? - Buckle up, darling.
It's gonna be a bumpy flight.
You were right, Klaus.
A baking soda bath did wonders for our hives.
How's your swollen tongue? And how's your research? (LISPING) My tongue is improving.
- As for my research, see for yourselves.
- What is all this? KLAUS: It's Aunt Josephine's note.
- Look, I-T-apostrophe-S.
- I remember.
Aunt Josephine wrote "it's" as in "it is," when she meant "its" as in "belonging to it.
" That was just to get our attention.
But look at the second sentence.
"My heart is as cold as Ike.
" But Aunt Josephine said she liked to think of her husband someplace hot.
"As cold as ice" would make a lot more sense.
Exactly! Unless these aren't grammatical mistakes at all.
They're a message.
Aunt Josephine said she and Ike developed secret codes.
C for "ice" instead of "Ike.
" U for "unbearable" instead of "inbearable.
" - R-D - L-E-D.
(GASPS) Curdled Cave.
That's where I got, too.
But why would her last words be about some cave? Maybe they're not her last words.
What if she only wants people to think that she's dead? People who don't care about grammatical errors.
- Like Count Olaf.
- Exactly.
What if she's alive and wants us to know where she's hiding? BOTH: Curdled Cave.
We have to find her.
- How are we gonna get to the Curdled Cave? - Look at the dotted line.
It looks like the Fickle Ferry goes to the Lavender Lighthouse, which is right next to the cave.
I saw the schedule when we arrived at Damocles Dock.
The Fickle Ferry leaves every 17 minutes.
Let's gather everything we might need.
- (WOOD CREAKING) - Klaus! (RIPPING) (BABBLING) (FLOOR CREAKING) Klaus! Klaus! (CREAKING) (HOUSE RUMBLING) (CREAKING) (THUNDER CRACKING) And, finally, there is still the matter of Aunt Josephine's house to take care of.
- Right.
- Those forms - need to be filled out in quintuplicate.
- (SIGHS) Mmm! sighs MR.
POE: And then we can treat ourselves to my second favorite candy when I was a boy, peppermints.
During tourist season at Lake Lachrymose, the Fickle Ferry brings visitors from all over the world to enjoy sunshine fresh air smoked mackerel.
Mmm.
The ferry leaves every 17 minutes to the Lavender Lighthouse, where tourists can walk to Curdled Cave or they could bask in the lighthouse's pale purple glow.
But that's only when the weather is warm.
During the off-season, Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors, which is why the ferry company has added two words to the bottom of their schedule in fine print, a phrase which here means "you might miss reading it until it was too late.
" - KLAUS: "Weather permitting.
" - What does that mean? It means the Fickle Ferry isn't running at all.
Then how are we gonna get to Curdled Cave? There is also fine print attached to this sad tale.
A number of concerned people are worried that if you watch the Baudelaire orphans steal a sailboat and sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman We're gonna steal a sailboat, sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of Hurricane Herman.
you might be tempted to do such a thing yourself.
We're stealing these, too.
So allow me to offer you a piece of advice, even though I don't know anything about you.
Do not take a sailboat that does not belong to you.
VIOLET: We're just borrowing it.
We'll bring it back.
And nobody will even know what we're doing.
And do not attempt to sail that sailboat during a hurricane.
Especially if, like the Baudelaires, you only have a vague idea of how a sailboat works.
KLAUS: I've read some aquatic literature.
All we've got to do is use the sail to catch the wind.
I've seen this lever in naval blueprints.
It's called the tiller.
It steers the ship.
Now all we have to do is sail across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of a hurricane.
Sailing across Lake Lachrymose in a hurricane offers a plethora of challenges.
"Plethora" is a word which here means "too many to list," but I will try.
Your boat might be tossed into the Wicked Whirlpool Mind the whirlpool! or dashed to bits on the Rancorous Rocks.
- Watch out for the rocks! - (GRUNTS) And even if you were lucky enough to spy the faint purple beam of the Lavender Lighthouse It's the Lavender Lighthouse.
it would be an outright miracle if your boat were not destroyed at the craggy entrance of Curdled Cave.
Fortunately, the Baudelaires were about to learn what any local weatherperson can tell you.
All storms eventually break.
Even Hurricane Herman.
sighs Lake Lachrymose is actually very pretty.
I never noticed it before.
I guess we got used to looking at it through Aunt Josephine's eyes.
KLAUS: Curdled Cave is for sale.
Who would want to live in such a phantasmagorical place? - (MOANING IN THE DISTANCE) - What is that sound? KLAUS: Just the wind probably.
I read that when wind passes through small spaces, like caves, it can make strange noises.
It's nothing to be afraid of.
I'm afraid of it anyway.
Me, too.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (WOMAN WAILING IN DISTANCE) - KLAUS: Aunt Josephine? - (JOSEPHINE WAILING) - Are you - (SCREAMS) okay? You figured it out! I knew you could figure it out.
I knew you would decode my message.
- Klaus really did it.
- But Violet knew how to work the sailboat.
Without Violet, we never would've made it here.
Sunny spotted the lighthouse.
Well, I am so glad to see all of you.
(PANTING) Just let me catch my breath and I'll help you bring in your things.
- What things? - Your luggage, of course.
I hope you brought food.
I'm out.
- We didn't bring any food.
- JOSEPHINE: No food? How in the world did you expect to live with me in this cave if you didn't bring any food? We didn't come here to live with you.
Then why did you come? Whatever word that was, Sunny, it was grammatically incorrect.
But maybe one of your siblings will explain in correct English why you're here.
Because Captain Sham almost had us in his clutches.
Everyone thought you were dead, and in your will and testament, you wrote that we should be placed in the care of Captain Sham.
JOSEPHINE: He forced me to do that.
We were only halfway through our fried-egg sandwiches when Captain Sham told me that he was really - Count Olaf.
- Count Olaf.
(CHUCKLING) He said I had to write out a will saying you children would be left in his care, or he would drown me in the lake.
I was so frightened that I agreed immediately, but hid a secret message I hoped you children would find.
Of course, then I knew my life was truly in danger.
I waited for my opportunity (SIGHS, MUTTERS) Come on.
Here's Shammy! And faked my own death.
(SCREAMING) Well, that worked out.
JOSEPHINE: It's a good thing I remembered to put gas in my recreational watercraft.
(ENGINE STARTING) - Aunt Josephine? - Aunt Josephine? Why didn't you take us with you? Why did you leave us all alone by ourselves? Why didn't you protect us from Count Olaf? Oh, Violet it is not grammatically correct to say "leave us all alone by ourselves.
" You can say "leave us all alone," or "leave us by ourselves," but not both.
Do you understand? That didn't sound grammatical either, but we'll say no more about it.
We have all had a very trying day, but I don't think Captain Sham will ever find us here.
We can share Curdled Cave for the rest of our lives.
We're not staying here.
We're taking the sailboat back to the town, and we're taking you with us.
(STAMMERS) No way, José.
I am too frightened of Count Olaf to face him.
But if you tell Mr.
Poe what happened, then Count Olaf will be locked away and we'll be safe, all of us.
You can tell him that if you want.
I am staying here.
He won't believe us unless you come along and prove you're alive.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! I am too afraid.
We're all afraid.
We were afraid when you brought home Count Olaf.
We were afraid when we thought you had jumped out a window.
We were afraid to give ourselves allergic reactions, we were afraid to steal a sailboat, and we were afraid to make our way across Lake Lachrymose in the middle of a hurricane.
But that didn't stop us! I can't help it if you are braver than I am.
I can't do it.
I am going to live here for the rest of my life, and there is nothing you can say that will change my mind.
You know Curdled Cave is for sale.
So what? Well, that just means that before long, certain people are going to want to look at it.
And some of those people (WHISPERS) will be real estate agents.
Okay, let's go.
JOSEPHINE: Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Aunt Josephine, I really do wish you'd stop saying that.
Hurricane Herman is over, the sailboat is working perfectly and we'll be back to Damocles Dock by morning.
We're as safe as can possibly be expected.
Maybe maybe you could think back to a time when you were a little more fierce and formidable.
(GASPS) - Where did you find this? - KLAUS: In the library.
I haven't seen this photograph in years.
Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Ah, it's not far from here.
Oh, look at Ike.
Look how handsome he looks in that hat.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, and look at Monty! - KLAUS: And our parents.
- JOSEPHINE: Yes.
And your parents.
Such brave and noble people.
- (SIGHS) Oh, how I miss them.
- KLAUS: We miss them, too.
But we have questions about them.
They never told us about you.
They never told us about Uncle Monty.
I have a feeling there's lots of things they never told us about.
Your parents, Baudelaires, wanted to raise you in a quiet world, far away from the fiery injustices that were threatening all of us.
They were trying to keep you safe.
- It didn't work.
- No.
No, it didn't.
Not long after this photograph was taken, your parents and I had to make a vastly frightening decision.
I remember that day so well, Klaus.
Your mother had just wrestled one of our enemies to the ground, when she turned to me and said - Uh-oh.
- What? - Uh-oh.
And I mean it this time.
- What's wrong? We are now entering the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches.
Oh, my poor Ike! He always loved shredded beef tamales, and they ended up sealing his doom.
I'm sure we'll be all right.
You said that the leeches were usually harmless.
Unless you have recently eaten.
We haven't eaten anything since those peppermints at the Anxious Clown.
That was brunch, and it's almost morning now.
You didn't eat anything recently, did you, Aunt Josephine? Aunt Josephine? Banana.
I ate a banana just before you arrived.
(BURPS) - Uh-oh.
(SIGHS) - I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Leeches are very small animals.
If we were in the water, we might have reason to fear, but I doubt they'd attack a sailboat.
Hurricane Herman might have even scared them out of the territory.
Uh-oh.
(LOW CHUCKLE) (WATER BUBBLING) You see? We're perfectly safe.
Yeah.
Perfectly safe.
See? They're leaving.
(LEECHES SCREECHING) - Whoa! - (SCREAMING) We're gonna need to sail much, much faster, or this boat will be in pieces in no time.
But sailing relies on wind.
We can't make the wind go any faster.
Please don't throw me overboard! I'm too frightened! Nobody's gonna throw you overboard.
- (CREAKING) - (GRUNTING AND SCREAMING) (WHIMPERS) - Well, rowing's not gonna work.
- Rowing won't help anyway.
This boat is sinking.
We need help.
How are we gonna get help in the middle of a lake? We just need a signal.
JOSEPHINE: That's right, darling.
Close your eyes.
That's what I do when I'm afraid.
It always makes me feel better to block out the fear.
Let's all close our eyes, as if we're watching some on-screen entertainment that's too scary for people our age.
Violet's not blocking out anything.
That's how she concentrates.
Fire alarms.
- What? - Fire alarms.
Oh, please don't say any more scary things.
I'm frightened enough.
Fire alarms are an excellent way to signal for assistance.
- We need noise, we need light.
- (SCREAMING) (SCREECHING) - We need to start a fire.
- Won't that get us in more danger? If we start a fire for light and hit the bucket for noise, we can attract attention.
It'll be hard to start a fire.
Everything here is - (BOAT CREAKING) - (SCREAMING) wet from the storm! (SCREAMS) Not everything.
Aunt Josephine, I need your scarf.
No! I need it more.
I need it to protect my neck.
I don't have time to argue with you.
I'm trying to save each of our lives! (GRUNTS) The expression is "saving all of our lives" not "saving each of our " - (SCREAMS) - Sit down! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! How do we light this? Well, there's friction, but that requires technique, patience and dry conditions.
VIOLET: There has to be another way.
The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light.
The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light? The scientific principle of the divergence and refraction of light.
You know, when horrible people use a magnifying glass to burn ants.
Olaf used to do that.
Theoretically, if I can catch enough light from the lighthouse beam - That seems unlikely.
- Just try your best.
It doesn't matter if I try my best.
What matters is what happens.
It won't work! The angle's wrong.
The light just needs to refract off of something else to reach us.
There is nothing else.
We're all alone.
- I think I see something down there! - If only we brought the spyglass.
These will have to do.
- You did it.
- We did it.
It's a plane.
Klaus, lower the sail.
(SCREAMS) Help! Save me! Save me! - Help! Help! - Save me! It's a small boat in distress.
Why would anybody be on the lake so soon after a hurricane? Maybe they're trying to reach their family, too.
- They'll never make it.
- Unless we help them.
I could fly low, reduce our speed to 80 knots.
We need to find a way to extract them.
- I wish we had that grappling hook.
- Wait, ferry approaching.
- Can it make it? - Pulling up now! - They'll be okay.
- (ENGINE SPUTTERING) Which might be more than I can say about us.
This might be a bit of a rough landing.
Brace yourself.
FATHER: I always do.
(SCREAMING AND LAUGHING) We're saved! (EXCLAIMING) We are saved! Oh, my! Oh! (LAUGHING) (LOUD SPLASHES) Oh, my goodness.
(PANTING) What a relief.
Oh! We don't know how to thank you.
I can think of a way.
Oh, no! You can stop faking your death and running away and rescuing each other and making me ferry around this godforsaken lake searching for you.
Parenting is exhausting.
You're not our parent and you never will be.
On the contrary, Mr.
Poe is putting the finishing touches on your adoption papers this very moment.
In a few hours, you will be Violet, Klaus and Sunny Sham.
When we explain that you forced Aunt Josephine to write that note, Mr.
Poe will tear those adoption papers into a thousand pieces.
And who is Mr.
Poe going to believe? The owner of a respectable lakeside rental agency, or three runaway pip-squeaks who go around stealing boats? We only stole that boat to retrieve Aunt Josephine from her hiding spot so she could tell everybody about your terrible plan.
Is this true? Uh-huh.
You were going to betray me? - Mmm.
- After all the years we spent together? After all of those picnics by the shore? After all of those shredded beef tamales I served to your husband? After all the secrets we had shared? Yes! I was going to betray you, and these three children gave me the courage to do so.
Ever since their parents were killed, they have been so fierce and formidable, again and again escaping from your clutches.
And what have I done all these years? Nothing but hide in my house.
Well, enough of that.
My house can topple off a cliff for all I care.
Later.
I am ready to be fierce and formidable again myself, and to face you, Count Olaf! (ALL GASP) I have had enough of your schemes! I have had enough of your plots! I have had enough of your greed and your betrayal.
Listen to me, Olaf, you villain, you wretch, you vastly untalented actor! (GASPS) Ooh.
I'm going to tell you something I should've told you a long time ago.
And what might that be? It's "have"! What? You said, "After all the secrets we had shared.
" You should have said, "After all the secrets we have shared.
" You made a serious grammatical error! Let me make sure I understand.
You would not say, "Josephine Anwhistle had been thrown overboard to the leeches," because that would be incorrect.
But if you said, "Josephine Anwhistle has been thrown overboard to the leeches," you would be all right with that? Yes.
I mean No! - I mean - I think I finally understand the lesson.
(SCREAMING) BOTH: Aunt Josephine! Fiends! All of you! - Aunt Josephine! - (LEECHES SCREECHING) This does actually seem, like, a little Take the boat to Damocles Dock! Our work here is done.
But Josephine? Josephine, Schmosephine.
As I'm sure you know, one way to demonstrate you don't care about something is to say the word and then repeat the word with the letters S-C-H-M replacing the real first letters.
If you didn't care about truth and justice, for example, you might say "truth, schmuth" or "justice, schmustice.
" But as Count Olaf steered the Baudelaire orphans away from the Lachrymose Leeches, their feelings about Aunt Josephine were far more complicated.
She had given them a home, even if it was cold and not hurricane-proof.
She had tried to teach them, even if it wasn't what they wanted to learn.
And like the Baudelaires, she had experienced great loss.
And while that doesn't make a good guardian, it didn't make her a bad person.
For this reason, the Baudelaires did not think, "Josephine, Schmosephine.
" They thought "We hope Aunt Josephine is safe.
" Everybody off! - Klaus? - Look.
Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Aunt Josephine said it wasn't far.
Come on.
We don't have all day.
(COUGHING) Mr.
Poe: What am I supposed to do with you? You said you were going to go home and rest, but instead you steal a sailboat and push Josephine's house down a hill? I missed the prehurricane discount tickets and had to spend the night in a bed and breakfast that uses powdered eggs! (COUGHING) I wouldn't be surprised if Captain Sham was no longer interested in serving as your guardian, even though I filled out these forms in triplicate while he boated around Lake Lachrymose looking for you on a hunch.
I don't have a hunch.
Well, I'll admit the children's behavior did make me have second thoughts.
But then I also had third thoughts, which are how empty my wallet and my heart are.
I truly think that the Baudelaires can be an enormous, enormous fortune in my life.
And so as I used to say to my dearest friend, the late Josephine What's-her-name - get in the car.
- We're not going anywhere with you.
Mr.
Poe, this man is really Count Olaf in disguise.
He murdered Aunt Josephine in cold blood.
Uh, actually, cold water.
Klaus, we've been through this.
There's absolutely nothing at this point that will convince me that this man is actually Count Olaf.
And you have no evidence to support these wild accusations, and I cannot, on behalf of Mulctuary Money Management, merely take the word of a single child.
You don't have to take the word of a single child.
You can take the word of all three of us.
Uh, actually, it's more like two.
The baby doesn't really count.
I mean (SCREAMING) - (GRUNTS) - (SUNNY CHUCKLING) My leg! My leg has grown back! It's amazing! It's incredible! It's wonderful! It's a medical miracle! It's a mitzvah! Oh, come now, that won't work.
Even a child can see that peg leg was false.
A child did see that the peg leg was false.
- Three children, in fact.
- But you didn't listen.
You never listen.
Well, perhaps the peg leg was false.
But I have never seen this tattoo in my life.
Oh, come now, that won't work either.
You tried to hide the tattoo with the peg leg.
(LOUD THUD) SHAM: Maybe the tattoo is real.
- But I am not this Count Olaf person.
- KLAUS: Look.
Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
- Let's go.
- My name is Captain Sham.
It says so on my business card.
Oh, oh, come now, that won't work either again.
Business cards don't prove anything.
Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made up that say anything they like.
Well, maybe I'm not Captain Sham, but the children still belong to me.
Josephine told me so.
MR.
POE: Oh, come now, that won't work for the final time.
Josephine left the children to Captain Sham, not Count Olaf.
You are Count Olaf and not Captain Sham.
You are going to jail, and the children will come with me and we'll settle this once and for Baudelaires? Baudelaires? Baudelaire (SIGHS) Baudelaires! Baudelaires? Baudelaire Baudelaires? Well, I'll find them in a minute.
You will stay here, Count Olaf, and I'll finally contact the Count Olaf! - Count Olaf! - (ENGINE STARTING) I'm all alone.
What's that thing Haruki Murakami said? "When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in.
" Before that part.
"You won't even be sure, in fact whether the storm is really over.
" Do you think we made the right choice? Doesn't matter if we made the right choice.
What matters is what happens.
(GEESE HONKING) (INSTRUMENTAL THEME MUSIC PLAYS)