A Tale Dark & Grimm (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[clunking, whirring]
[thuds]
[whooshing]
[pleasant fairy tale music plays]
[William] Once upon a time,
fairy tales were awesome.
We know, you don't believe us.
You think fairy tales are cute
and pink and full of fairies.
[chitters]
-[whacks]
-Well, they're not.
-Real fairy tales are scary.
-[thuds]
-[adventurous music plays]
-[cawing]
Follow two children
as they venture off into a dark tale.
-A scary tale.
-[barking]
-A strange tale.
-[howls]
[roars]
-[shrieks]
-A… Wait a minute.
Are you even old enough for this?
-[thudding]
-You really think you can handle it?
[demons chuckle, gibber]
-[dramatic music rising]
-[sizzles, bubbles]
-[panting]
-[dramatic music continues]
[grunts]
Once upon a time,
a young girl returned to the village
she had come to call home…
[dramatic sting]
…and desperately tried
to remove the soot from her clothes.
Did the warlock know
she had learned his secret?
If he did, she was in immediate
and horrifying danger.
Ooh, my favorite kind!
And if he didn't, well,
she was still in horrifying danger.
[grunts, groans] This is bad, really bad.
-[groans]
-[crows caw]
What do you think, brushy?
Should I stay here?
Hansel's out there somewhere.
But so is that evil warlock.
[sighs] You're right, I shouldn't base
big decisions on advice from brushes.
[grunting]
Anyway, if I stay here for now,
Widow Fischer can keep me safe.
Ugh, poor kid, talking to her brush?
Will you talk some sense into this fish?
She's being a total jerk.
Widow Fischer?
Oh, how many times do I got to tell you,
call me Widow Fischer.
I have to tell you something.
Last night, after you told me
not to go into the deep dark woods…
[gasps] You went anyway?
Oh, yeah, I know, kid,
I was your age once.
Probably. Well, I must have been, right?
Let's go ask the fish.
-I went to that young man's house. He's…
-[sinister music plays]
He-- He's a warlock, and he…
he's been… [cries]
Oh, shh-shh-shh-shh.
He's been kidnapping girls!
So many of them!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Okay, this is nuts.
Like nuts nuts.
And if I think it's nuts,
I mean, wow, right?
He pulls birds out of them,
and the birds are their souls,
and he steals them to get magic to trick
more girls so he can get more magic.
He keeps all the soul doves in cages and…
Haven't you noticed
there are hardly any girls in the village?
There's, like, 30 boys and two girls!
Well, I spend surprisingly little time
organizing children by gender.
The warlock took the girls! And then
he erased everyone's memory of them!
Okay, okay, hello.
If someone erased my memory,
I would remember it, right?
[whimsical ding]
-Ugh!
-Okay, Gretel.
That handsome young man
has lived in this village
for over a hundred years.
If my great-grandmother wasn't suspicious
of him, well, why should I be?
-But-- But-- But--
-Why don't you go have a nap?
And I'm gonna bring you some
of me nice, hot fish tea.
Does she sound crazy to you too,
Tuna McSalmonstein?
Yeah, a little.
Hey! Shh. [whispers] Not so loud.
[sighs]
[William] Clearly, Gretel would receive
no help from Widow Fischer.
[Jacob] Yeah, but at least she wasn't
sitting on a couch covered in human skin,
waiting to see the Devil.
-[distant grumbling]
-Huh?
-[oozes]
-Agh!
[slithering]
-Eugh!
-Hey! Could you scooch over?
Ugh!
-How would you like a butt in your face?
-[screams]
[William] Hansel was just about to wonder
aloud how things could get worse, when…
-[unintelligible, shrieky singing]
-[ominous music plays]
Soon, Hansel couldn't stand it.
He had to know what that screaming was,
even if it killed him.
-[bloop]
-Agh!
-[singing continues]
-[door creaks]
-[gasps]
-[William] Meanwhile…
[Dotty] No, not meanwhile.
I wanna see what happens.
[William] Patience. Gretel did what had
always been comfortable for her,
she started planning.
This is fine.
I can think my way out of this.
[bird singing]
-[gasps]
-[dramatic sting]
[tense music plays]
[bird sings]
[dramatic whoosh]
Agh!
[whimpers]
Here's the plan,
get the heck out of here,
don't look back, find Hansel!
-[shrieky singing continues]
-[twanging]
-Ah, my beloverated grandmother…
-[twangs]
-…you have the voice of an angel.
-[gasps]
A-- A fallen angel, of course. [chuckles]
Oh, you little devil. [laughs]
[whimsical music playing]
[sniffs]
What's that?
[sniffs]
Do I smell… [gasps] …human?
[gasps]
[breathing heavily]
Of course you do.
What do you think we're having for dinner?
-And for dessert, baby bum muffins.
-[farts]
-You're so good to me, Grandmother.
-[farts, squeaks]
-[munches]
-[gasps] Oh.
[gulps]
By good I mean evil…
[chuckles] … naturalistically.
-[laughs]
-[sighs] I tell you, it has been a day.
I had to deliver
more of my golden hairs to that warlock
-who makes magic twine out of them.
-[chair clunks]
Ugh, it's exhaustivating.
He just goes on and on and on
about his collection of soul doves.
Nobody cares about your collection, buddy.
Not even other soul dove collectors.
[scoffs] Give it a rest.
Man, I wish I'd never
made a deal with that guy.
[grandmother] Relax, dear.
You just need a good rest.
Let me soothe you to sleep.
[unintelligible, shrieky singing]
Ugh!
[Devil snoring]
-Oh, dear little sausage.
-[footsteps clicking]
-[snoring]
-[William] Hansel saw his chance.
He could escape if he could steal
three of the Devil's golden hairs.
[jingling]
[snoring continues]
[sneaky music plays]
[yelps]
[dramatic sting]
[yawns]
[snoring]
Phew.
-[music continues]
-[snoring]
[sniffs]
-[dramatic sting]
-There's that human smell again.
[bubbling]
Oh, right.
[chair clunks]
[snoring]
[music continues]
[suspenseful music plays]
[William] But then,
Hansel did something unusual for him.
Instead of taking action…
-[bubbling]
-[fingers tinkling]
…he thought about it.
Uh, if I pluck his hairs,
he'll wake up and turn me into furniture!
I'm one of the lucky ones.
I mean, have you met the toilet?
Ugh.
What would Gretel do?
Gretel would come up with a plan.
[William] Hansel wasn't sure
how plans were made.
[Jacob] But he was pretty sure
it involved brains and effort.
-[grunting]
-[hollow thuds from head]
-I think this is gonna take a while.
-[Hansel straining]
[grunts and thuds continue]
[WIlliam] Indeed.
[tense music plays]
[grunts]
[music intensifies]
Gretel was ready to leave the village
and take her chances alone in the woods.
But something held her back.
[birds echo] Deborah. Jane. Theodelinda.
Annabelle. Guinevere.
Hannah. Sarah. Aurora.
I can't go. Not yet.
[inhales] If I go,
he's going to keep doing this.
What would…
What would Hansel do?
Hansel would stop him.
-[heroic music plays]
-Somehow.
-[screams]
-Well, hello, Gretel.
It's probably just as well
you didn't go into the woods.
There's so many dangerous things in there,
and no one at all
to hear the sounds you'd make,
the terrible, terrible sounds.
I have to… cook the… laundry!
-[gasps]
-[chuckles] Made you flinch.
[William] In that moment,
Gretel decided to do
-what her heart told her to do.
-[grunts]
[laughs]
I am gonna tell everyone in the village
all about this donkey clod,
and they are gonna smack
the living snot out of him.
[Devil snoring]
[William] Meanwhile,
Hansel had devised a plan of his own.
[moans softly]
-[snoring]
-[sneaky music plays]
[Devil snores, snorts]
[bubbling]
-[Devil snorts]
-[sizzles]
-[Devil sighs]
-[door creaks]
[twangs]
[dramatic sting]
-Oh, yes.
-[flea boings]
-Oh… Oh…
-[boing]
Oh, yeah.
-[retches]
-Oh…
Oh, it was full of fleas.
I wanted the one full of ticks.
[sneaky music plays]
[gasps loudly]
-A human!
-[slams door]
You let me out of here! Ah.
-Let me out!
-[clangs]
-[door rattling]
-Oh, it's so cozy.
[short yawn]
[snoring]
[William] If there was one thing
Hansel knew, it was this…
[Jacob] Old people
never pass up a chance to nap.
Wow. Look at all this stuff.
The fake eyelashes look like flies' legs.
[buzzing]
Oh, they are. Gross!
Okay, I just have to make myself
look like that old devil lady.
How hard could using makeup be?
Perfect.
[bubbling]
[Devil sighs]
[slurps]
[smacks lips] Ah. Mmm!
[sniffs]
The smell of this stuff
really fills the whole house. [chuckles]
It's like-- It's like
there's a human right next to me.
[dramatic sting]
[breathing heavily]
[inhales] Hmm.
Hmm.
Ah, Grandmother,
yes, eh, where-- where on earth
have my glasses gotten to?
Phew.
The Devil… Ahem.
[mimics grandmother] The Devil knows.
But I don't.
Oh, now, don't you worry
your diabolical, evil, little head.
Let Granny massage your worries away.
-[chair clunks]
-Ooh!
There, all nice and comfy.
[tense music rising]
-[tense music peaks, fades]
-Mmm.
[dramatic sting]
-[gasps]
-Ah, what delicate fingers you have.
Oh, sing me to sleep,
won't you, Grandmother?
Sing?
Yes, sing, yes.
With your beautiful
fallen angel's voice, yes.
Eh, you-- you can do that, can't you?
[gulps]
[mimics shrieky singing]
-What a beautiful voice you…
-Come to me little baby, sleep ♪
-And dream a horrible dream ♪
-…have, Grandmother.
-[continues shrieking]
-[snoring]
[gulps]
[Devil] Mmm.
-[twangs]
-[yelps]
Tar and pitch! Why did you do that?
[mimics grandmother] Oh, I'm sorry.
I fell asleep and I had a terrible dream.
I must have grabbed your hair.
-Oh. I love bad dreams.
-[ominous music plays]
[chuckles] What was it?
I…
uh…
I…
[idea dings]
I, uh, dreamed of a city
with a chocolate fountain.
But it's not flowing
and all the people were sad.
Ha! I know a city like that.
I cursed it
by putting a frog under the fountain.
It drinks up all the melted chocolate.
[chuckles]
If those fools just pulled it out,
their fountain would work again.
You cause so much suffering.
Such a clever Devil.
[chair clunks]
[mimicking shrieky singing]
[Devil snoring]
[continues shrieking]
[Devil snoring]
[suspenseful music rising]
[music peaks]
-[twangs]
-[yelps] Sulfur and brimstone!
I… I had another bad dream,
and I must have grabbed your hair again.
[sighs] Well, what was it this time?
I dreamed of a tree
that grew golden apples,
but then it stopped bearing fruit
and all the people were sad.
[laughs] I remember a place like that.
I put a mouse under the tree
to gnaw at its roots. [chuckles]
If they get rid of that mouse, they'd have
all the golden apples they want.
Look at you spreading misery everywhere.
Such a creative Devil.
-[chair clunks]
-[mimicking shrieky singing]
[Devil snoring]
[continues shrieking]
[Devil snoring]
-[suspenseful music rising]
-[boing]
[music peaks]
[gasps]
[blows]
Phew.
[Devil snoring]
[jingles]
-[twangs]
-[yelps] Statistics!
-I--
-I know.
You had a bad dream.
Well, what was it this time?
And if you pull my hair again,
I will have your intestines
for a jump rope!
-[yelps]
-[Devil's string music plays]
[gulps, chuckles nervously]
Uh, I dreamed about a ferryman
who could never leave his boat.
Ha! I cursed a guy like that.
[chuckles]
If only he knew. [chuckles]
All he has to do is get someone
to take his pole from him,
then he can leave and the other person
will remain there in his place forever.
-[laughs]
-I couldn't be prouder of you.
Such a devilish Devil.
[kisses]
[gagging]
-Hmm.
-Ugh.
[mischievous music playing]
Hmm. Tsk.
-[door rattling]
-[grandmother] Let me out!
-Hey, you let me out of here right now!
-What the me is that?
Oh, some demons
brought in a boy named Hansel,
so I locked him up
until you were ready for him.
Ah, Hansel, yes.
I have big plans for that boy.
It's rare that I get to torment
-someone truly good.
-[hairs buzz]
He's going to find out
what it's like when the Devil gets…
[inhales sharply] …creative.
[chuckles] Ooh!
[winces] Oh!
-[liquid sizzles]
-Ow. Ow. Oh… Ooh!
Where are my glasses?
-[bubbling]
-[groans, growls]
[panting]
-Hey, you forgot to sign out!
-[dramatic music plays]
[panting]
[William] Meanwhile,
Gretel was setting out
to tell everyone about the warlock.
[panting] Please listen to me!
The handsome young man is a warlock.
He lures the young girls to his house
and he steals their souls!
Don't you remember Marianne? Or Lilith?
[William] Unfortunately, the warlock
had already altered their memories.
I don't believe it.
Yeah. He's the hero
that saved our village from trolls.
[panting]
[William] He made them believe
all sorts of outlandish things.
He cured my wife's smallpox.
He's a magical rabbit who grants wishes.
He's the reason the sun rises.
[panting]
He's an evil warlock!
What? I've been married to him
for six years!
[gasps] Oh my gosh. Me too.
[chuckles] Hi, it's nice to meet you.
She's just making up stories. [scoffs]
Oh, she just doesn't understand him.
He's a great guy.
-Boo!
-Who is this girl anyway?
Dozens of girls are missing!
How can you not have noticed?
-There must be some way I can prove it.
-[school bell dinging]
[gasps] The schoolhouse!
They must have some kind of records!
-[panting]
-[people gasp]
-[William] But it was no better there.
-[panting]
Where's Marianne? Lilith?
Susanna? Katherine?
Those are all girls' names.
There are no girls in this school.
Because they disappeared! Look!
It's all boys!
Only because there are no girls.
It's simple math.
That's the class portrait, and every one
of the children in it is here.
-[gasps] He's erased them all!
-[whoosh]
[screams]
Oh, have I?
-[sinister music plays]
-[chuckles] You, Gretel, you have been…
naughty.
How do I know you're my real grandmother?
Tell me something only you would know.
You don't hate kittens.
[gasps]
-Grandmother! It is you! Ah.
-[squeak]
[inhales]
Uh, don't spread that around, all right?
About the kittens?
-That was a human child, disguised as me.
-[gasps]
It was Hansel! He tricked me!
Well, that's not very nice.
Gah! Shut up! Shut up and go get him
while I stir the people-part soup.
[growls] Oh, I hate my life.
[growls]
-[grandmother] Poor little sausage.
-Uh…
[grunting uncertainly] Oh!
[grunts]
[grunting uncertainly]
Aha!
[chuckles]
[clicks]
[thuds lightly, whooshes]
-[laughs]
-[dramatic music plays]
-[bubbling]
-[sniffs] Oh.
-[sniffs] Agh! Statistics!
-[dramatic sting]
Sausage!
You'll want these.
These what?
I-- I can't see without my glasses.
Your glasses.
Yes, my glasses!
That-- That is what I can't see without.
Are you dense?
Oh, just come here.
[groans]
-[pants]
-[William] Now that Hansel
had the three golden hairs,
the Devil's magic had no effect on him.
He could see this place
for what it really was.
-Oh, I hate myself for what I did!
-[screams in distance]
I don't understand.
No one is actually hurting them.
-Then Hansel realized the truth.
-[man wails]
This isn't a place
where sinners are tortured.
-[man groans]
-This is a place
where sinners torture themselves.
[Mrs. Baker screams]
[wailing]
I'm so sorry for what I did!
[wails] I deserve this!
-[wailing continues]
-[man gurgles]
-Hansel!
-[Devil's string music plays]
You're mine!
[Hansel panting]
[whistle blows]
Hey! No running by the pool!
What are you going to do to me?
My dear Gretel, I would never hurt you.
-But these people may feel differently.
-[magic whooshes]
-You see…
-[both gasp]
…they've just remembered that you are--
-A witch!
-She's a thief!
-Lock her up!
-That girl is evil!
-She's a monster!
-She's a rogue elephant!
A rogue elephant? Really?
I got a little creative.
-She's evil!
-Stop her!
-Witch!
-Sorceress!
-She mustn't go on!
-She'll put a spell on you!
-She's a monster!
-Is that an elephant?
They're gonna tear her apart!
We gotta do something!
We cannot help her.
Oh, because it's forbidden?
No, because it's in the past.
We're telling a story
about something that already happened.
Do you not understand how time works?
Can we at least throw her a rope?
[people shouting angrily]
-[woman] Tie her up!
-She's evil!
-[whooshes]
-[angry clamoring continues]
-Annabelle. Philippa. Susanna.
-[hopeful music plays]
Katherine. Felisha. Guinevere.
-Aurora.
-Don't listen to her.
She's a witch.
She's casting a spell on you!
[Gretel] Edna. Sarah.
-Jane. Amanda. Maura.
-[warlock grunts]
-Look!
-[Gretel] Sabina. Sandra! Ingrid! Anne!
Ava! Agneta! Brunhilda!
-Amiria! Clarice! Constance!
-[grunts] Agh!
-[yells] Hannah!
-[loud whoosh]
-[gasps] Hannah?
-Hannah!
-[all clamoring angrily]
-Oop, gotta go! Agh!
-Get the oil!
-And the snakes!
Did you know
the only way to kill a warlock
is by boiling him in oil with snakes?
It's also the only way
to make my favorite soup.
-[people booing angrily] Snakes!
-[warlock straining]
-Get off of me!
-[man] Boil! Boil!
Listen to me, I don't-- [muffled grunt]
Enjoy your last meal.
-[blows]
-[all laughing and cheering]
[man] Take that!
[all gasp in surprise]
-[somber music plays]
-[jingles]
[muffled] No!
Uh, yes.
[muffled protests]
-[grunts]
-[Gretel chuckles]
Made you flinch.
[somber music continues]
[William] Once upon a time,
a young girl watched the end
-of a young man she had thought she loved.
-[muffled yells]
-And she didn't feel very much at all.
-[muffled protests]
[muffled protests continue]
[screams]
-[splashes]
-[hissing]
-[dramatic music plays]
-[screams]
[roars]
[crumbling]
[moans]
-[whistling]
-[fire crackling]
-[whooshes, clangs]
-[tragic music plays]
[sniffles, whimpers]
-[magical whoosh]
-[birds cooing]
[hopeful music plays]
[magical whooshing]
[villagers] Look, they're back!
Charlotte! Denise! Susanna!
-Audrey!
-[man laughs]
-Catherine!
-[villagers] They've returned!
-[both] Hannah!
-[pleasant music plays]
[crickets chirping]
[whooshes, chimes]
[pleasant music continues]
I'm sorry about…
-Oh, everything.
-It's not your fault.
Your memory was erased.
Will you come home now?
Tuna McSalmonstein misses you.
My brother is still alive.
And he's my home.
I have to find him.
Oh. All right.
[hopeful music plays]
Well, I hope you find
what you're looking for.
I'll never forget you.
[cries]
[sniffles]
[William] Little did Gretel know
that Hansel was not far away,
just down the same river
she was walking along…
-[panting]
-…having…
[Devil yells]
…rather a difficult time.
[yelling]
[dramatic music plays]
-[yelps]
-The Devil's chasing me
with a flaming pitchfork!
-[roars]
-[whooshing]
[eerie string music plays]
[grunts]
-[Devil yells]
-Go, go, go, go, go, go!
[Devil yells]
-Come back here!
-Yes!
Agh!
-[grumbles] That guy, so bossy.
-[yelling]
Okay, here's our plan.
[whispering imperceptibly]
-Let's get out of here.
-[chuckles] Wait. I want to see this.
[grumbles] Hurry up!
Why are you so slow?
Oh, someday I'll get you in Hell
and I'll upholster a chair with you.
[groans loudly]
[yells]
Go!
-[huffs]
-So sorry.
I've been doing this for ages.
-I'm a bit slow.
-[growls]
[Hansel] Here they come.
Wait for it.
[growling]
Come on, come on, come on!
Oh, my old bones.
-So tired.
-[groans in frustration]
Oh, give me that!
-Agh!
-[mischievous string music plays]
-[magic jingles]
-So long, sucker!
[laughs] Welcome to your new life.
-[pants, grunts]
-[magic jingling]
Why… Why can't I… Oh.
Right, my curse. I really should have put
a "doesn't work on the Devil" loophole.
[Hansel] Hi!
[in growling voice] You!
This is your doing!
-[laughs] Well, I still have my pitchfork!
-[dramatic music plays]
[yells angrily]
[snaps loudly]
-[suspenseful music plays]
-Run!
[grunts]
[grunts, gasps]
Agh!
[thuds]
[echoing] No!
[gasps] Hansel.
[panting]
[exhales]
-[groaning]
-[joyful music plays]
Hansel!
[gasps] Gretel!
Go.
[Hansel panting]
[both laughing]
You're alive! You really are alive!
Yeah.
I was dead and then I was alive.
And I was being a good boy,
-but I went to Hell because--
-[coughs]
[gasps] He's the one who was following me.
Gretel, at last…
It's okay. He's a friend.
Listen, there's a doctor
back in the village.
-We can--
-There's no time.
I have to tell you a story,
a very important story.
You see…
I know why…
your parents chopped off your heads.
-[dramatic sting]
-[both gasp]
-[tense string music plays]
-Mind blown, man! Mind blown!
[closing theme song plays]
[Hansel and Gretel]
When the darkness opens wide ♪
Swallowing up the sun inside ♪
Dappled stars, they prick the sky ♪
Blanket on which the moon will lie ♪
Why must daylight always dim? ♪
Creeping dusk so cold and grim ♪
'Tis the blackness of the night ♪
-Teaches us how to see the light ♪
-[song fades]