Abbott Elementary (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Okay, so, if the store has 10 potatoes, right, and you take away two of them, how many potatoes would the store have left? I don't like potatoes.
Let's not focus on that part of it.
You have eight potatoes.
Marie, we know that you know.
I was asking Sydnee.
Why don't you go sharpen up some colored pencils? That'd be fun.
I have a lot of kids in my class, and, uh, some of them are pretty smart potatoes.
So I try to get creative with the ones who finish early with some special projects.
I'm done with the pencils, Ms.
Teagues.
Then why don't you help me grade some of the other students' worksheets, okay? Don't tell anyone.
Okay, so, if you don't like "potato" potatoes, what if we say they are sweet potatoes? I really don't like sweet potatoes.
You've really got to work with me, Sydnee.
Janine, what did I say about taking my potatoes from the lunchroom? But visual learning is so much better! Well, guess what.
Now you have zero potatoes.
Yay! - Good morning, y'all.
- Morning.
Please allow me to introduce our newest student, Malcolm.
He just moved to the area.
He went to that smart private school, Elway Academy, with the orchestra classes and everything.
So he's like baby Beethoven.
My parents wanted me to go to a school with other Black kids.
Well, you are in luck because we are swimmin' in Black kids.
Malcolm got straight A's and he was in the gifted program - and everything.
- Welcome, Malcolm.
Yes, welcome to Abbott, Malcolm.
I was in the gifted program, too.
What were you gifted at? Being annoying? No.
Anyway, Malcolm has a bright future.
I can already see him at the White House, thanking Ms.
Ava Eva Coleman for turning him into the Oprah of Science.
All you ever have to be is the Malcolm of Science, and that will be enough.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
Malcolm, would you like to go get some breakfast with the other kids? Yes! Go get whatever your super brain needs.
We have fish oils or whatever.
Make way! Smart kid coming through.
Don't look at him with your regular IQs.
This is trash.
Wow! He really is brilliant.
You know, Ava, I really wish you wouldn't talk about the kids like that in front of them.
We have a lot of smart kids here at Abbott.
- Always have.
- Mm-hmm.
I got a kid in my class bartering Happy Meals for friendship.
Hey.
You know what? We should have a gifted program here.
I mean, I need something for the kids in my class to do other than grade papers and I'm kidding.
But, seriously, I loved the gifted program I was in growing up.
I learned so much, and those experiences were priceless.
I was in one, too.
Yeah.
I got to write my own musical rap parody about Monsanto.
It was called "Mo' Santo, Mo' Problems.
" Yo, check it.
My youngest, Gina She participated in a young-engineers program.
It did wonders for her.
Looks good on a college application, too.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, Gregory, what do you think? Oh, I think I've been here for like five minutes, so I don't really have a say.
You need to have more opinions.
We used to have a gifted program, Lollipop Guild, - but then, you know - Oh, let me guess.
- "We don't have the money.
" - Oh, no, we have the cheddar.
It's sitting in an account.
We just can't touch it.
Believe me, I tried.
To use it for arithmascience.
Anyway, the problem is, there's no one to teach the gifted program.
- You guys are in your classes all day.
- It's true.
By the time we take attendance, it's practically lunch.
Who's got time? Ooh.
It'd be easy to just give up and not have a gifted program, but there was an acronym I learned in the one I was in PIE Perseverance, Ingenuity, and Effort.
I love PIE.
Even though I can't eat it, though.
Hurts my tummy.
But I did try it for many years.
That's the perseverance part, which is why we should have a gifted program.
It's a foot facial.
It's like a facial, but for your feet.
Oh! See, I'd go for that.
Mm-hmm.
- Hey, Gar.
- Hey.
So, what? No raspberry iced teas for me this week? You holding out on me? No.
I got another box on the truck.
Oh.
I was, uh keeping 'em safe for you.
Don't miss me too much while I'm gone.
You wish.
Girl, that man likes you.
Ask him out.
No.
My ex was a firefighter, and if he taught me anything, it's no men in uniforms, 'cause, somehow, you wind up making their car payments and sleeping at your sister's after a fight.
My Gerald wears a uniform, and he's a good man.
Come on.
You deserve a little fun.
This fell off the truck for you.
So, basically, all we need to make the gifted program work is someone enthusiastic who has a lot of free time.
- And I think I know someone.
- Yo, yo, and that's how it go Just say no to Monsanto Hey! And that's just the hook.
I found someone to teach the gifted program.
Why you breathing so hard? I'm excited.
Well, it's weird.
You should get that checked out.
Okay.
Well, Jacob is going to teach the gifted program during his free periods.
I would love to till the fertile soil and grow the minds of tomorrow.
I'll be like, um, that guy in that movie.
- "Coach Carter".
- No.
Um - "Jiro Dreams of Sushi".
- No, no.
What's that rock-climbing movie? Wait.
Don't tell me.
- No, none of these.
It's - Don't tell me.
Don't tell me.
Hey, um, Ava? What do you think? A chance to make more Science Oprahs? "27 Hours".
That's the name of the rock-climbing movie.
- I knew it.
I knew it.
- No.
- Hey, Ava.
Ava.
- With the - Right.
Gifted program.
- Yes.
You know, my sorority sisters are always bragging about how they have these smart kids they gave birth to.
I could be like Charles Xavier with legs, with hundreds of smart kids that I didn't give birth to, obviously.
Go ahead and start your little mutant academy.
Yes! Thank you.
Take that, Crystal.
So, I called to book it, and they told me they don't do a foot facial.
They said it's just a pedicure.
That's not what Dr.
Oz said.
There she is.
You know, I look forward to every Thursday, and it's not just about restocking half-full Funyuns.
"Half-full.
" The man's an optimist.
So, uh, what's your deal, Gary? You got dreams or I own and operate a vending-machine business.
I'm living it.
Yes, to live in your dreams.
So, remember how you brought me that iced tea? I'm thinking, what if I let you buy me dinner to go with it? This This is gonna be amazing.
I'm gonna take you out for a night on the town you'll never forget.
I'm thinking you, me, Dave & Buster's.
Y-You know what? I just I think I'm really busy these days.
Maybe we just scratch this entire date idea.
I tried.
Look, I've learned to spot a red flag when it's flying.
A guy suggests a dump for a first date, eventually, you're gonna have to dump him.
My ex suggested a strip club.
It's Smart Kids Time! I'm gonna need Tyrel, Nadiyah, and Daniel.
What are you talking about? For the gifted program.
Those are the only kids who talk in my class.
Sucks to be you.
All aboard the brain train! Choo-choo! What do I think of the gifted program? I mean, look, if everyone's into it, then great.
I just think the kids are gonna miss the end of the movie.
But who needs the end of the movie? You know, movies are all about the beginning and then the middle and Okay, guys, let's settle down.
Settle down.
Let's do some math problems to steady our minds.
Ronald, what's 9 times 10? - Chicken! - What? Chickens in the library! The chicken has an ovary and an oviduct, and as the female reaches maturity, these ova develop a few at a time into yolks.
And when they hatch, what do we get? We get breakfast.
Am I right? Served ova easy.
It's happening! They're hatching! Aww! Look at that.
They're seeing that chickens don't just come from Crown Fried Chicken.
I'm comin' out of retirement to save the environment.
I like farms 'cause they're rustic, but GMOs, don't trust it.
Ms.
Teagues, I'm smart.
Can I go to the chicken school? Me too! - Franken - Food! - Franken - Food! Very good.
Okay, guys, so, I know we're all on board with the gifted program.
Ugh! Ugh! There you go sounding like an old locomotive.
Honey, you've got to walk at a normal pace.
I think some of the kids who aren't in the gifted program are feeling left out.
Agreed.
And they took all the talking kids, so now I have to talk.
Well, this is nothing we can't fix.
We just need to make sure all the kids who aren't in the program are still on track to be successful, you know, go to college, do great things.
You don't have to go to college to be successful.
No.
Oh, my God, no.
I didn't mean that.
I'm just saying I, for one, love the program.
I feel like a blend of Robin Williams in "Dead Poets Society" and, well, Robin Williams in "Patch Adams".
Didn't all those kids in "Patch Adams" die of cancer? Well, the real cancer is ignorance.
Mm, the real cancer is cancer.
Look, there's nothing wrong with the gifted program itself.
We just need to organize it better so that the regular kids Ooh.
Uh, the ungifted kids Mm.
The regifted kids - Let's lift up the other kids.
- Yes, that.
Look, if the program is making the kids feel bad, I don't think it's worth it.
Guys, there has to be a way to improve the experience for the other kids, you know? Make them feel special, too.
I'm sure you'll figure it out, Janine.
You were in the gifted program, right? I was.
I don't know.
Maybe try restarting it? You don't think I would have tried that, Geek Squad? Hey, Ava and Malcolm.
Shouldn't you be in class? That's what I keep saying! Ava, we need more discretionary funds.
I want to get chickens for my class, since my kids had to sit and watch Jacob hatch eggs - in the gifted cl - Janine, are you new here? That smart money is for the smart kids.
You think if I had more money, I would give it to you for eggs? Hey, Malcolm, why don't you come with me? Alright.
Gonna get you to class.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Are you excited for your inspiring lesson from Mr.
Hill? - Yes.
- Yay! - Okay.
- "O, Captain! My Captain!" Mm! Fire bar from MC Walt Whit, but you can call me Cap'n Hill.
Alright? No cap'n.
Huh? Get out your books.
- Thank you, hubby.
- Mm-hmm.
Aww, you're so cute together.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, for lunch, madames, we have a burrito with light-to-smedium sour cream.
Thank you very much.
- A capicola sammich.
- My favorite.
And nacho chips, because they're my chips.
Now, that's a man.
I'm not gonna settle for less than that.
That's the bar right there.
See that, baby? I'm the bar.
Well, let me tell you something about Gerald.
This is not the man I first met.
Such a player and a flirt.
Trusting this one was a risk.
But it is a risk I'm glad I took.
Girlfriend, sometimes, you've just got to take a leap of faith.
Barbara, thank you.
I know you're trying to help, but I'm I'm not you.
I'm a divorced, none-your-business-year-old woman.
I Maybe this is it for me.
Am I interrupting? What do you think of Gary, the vending-machine guy? Oh.
Oh, my God.
I love that he stocks Gushers.
Aren't you like 25? And three-quarters, yes.
So, when I first got the ball moving on the gifted program, - I said, "Janine" - Okay, skip this part.
- What do you want? - Some chicken eggs that will hatch for my class.
I want to teach them about their reproductive systems.
Gimme a week.
Okay, so, when the cloud fills with water droplets, then what does it do? Ms.
Teagues, one of the eggs is breaking.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! The eggs are hatching! Okay, everybody, come on, come on.
Gather round.
Everyone gather round.
It's happening! Watch closely, everyone.
The miracle of life is happening.
See? Isn't this cool? We can do fun stuff right here in our class.
Ew! It's wet.
Yes.
That would be the amniotic fluid.
It creates a pillow around the fetus.
It protects it.
Ew! And it's scaly.
Yes, it's scal It's scaly? It's a snake! Back up! Right on.
Seize the day, cap-I-tan.
Aah! Fly free, little birdie.
- Thank you so much.
- It's my job.
By the way, this is actually an endangered species.
Can I ask where you got these? Um it was a pop-up shop on 52nd Street.
Not there anymore.
Gone.
Can't track it.
Yeah, I heard about the snakes.
So, what happened was, I got a guy named Chicken for snake eggs and a guy named Snake for chicken eggs.
I called Chicken for snakes, when I should have called Snake for chickens.
Whoops.
Look, snakes are scary, but I think there's a great lesson in this.
Even for me, a teacher of gifted students.
Don't you have a table to go stand on? Mm.
Yes, okay, was this a bigger setback than I thought? Sure.
But was it a setup for something great? Look, I can appreciate what you're trying to do here, Janine, but it's not working.
I think we should get rid of the gifted program.
Gregory, I can't believe you're saying this.
I thought you liked the gifted program, like earlier, when you s Well, I guess you never said you liked it.
Well, ugh, look, you know, I tried to give the kids not in the gifted program a little bit more attention, and it didn't work out this time, but I still feel that if we nurture our most gifted minds Janine, when I was a kid, I didn't get into the gifted program.
Like, not even close.
It made me feel like school was only for kids who were good at taking tests, which I was not.
So I checked out.
I don't know what to say.
The point is, when you give some kids chickens, other kids are gonna get snakes.
And if you get snakes for long enough, that's what you think you deserve.
And no one deserves snakes.
I get it.
So then what do we do? I'm just saying that there's more than one way to be gifted.
Have you ever heard of Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences? Okay.
So, look, like, this kid here, right? He may not be good at math, but he may have naturalistic intelligence, which means he's good with nature.
- Okay.
- And this girl She may have musical intelligence.
And this kid Okay, she's sleeping.
- Yeah, she's out.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- And look at that.
This kid has custodial intelligence.
You said there was eight eggs, right? - Yeah.
- Well, we got six snakes.
That leaves two snakes.
Yes, Sydnee.
That's correct.
Great job.
Hi.
Melissa, it's Thursday.
Are you ready to see your man? Oh, come on, Barb.
Let it go.
- I'm not ready.
- Melissa Ann Schemmenti, I know you, and you are not ready because you are telling yourself you are not ready.
But, okay, do what you want to do.
Hey, you.
You callin' about the timeshare? I was gonna use it in June.
Yeah, no, no, no, no.
It's something else.
But that's fine.
I prefer July anyway.
So, listen, um you know after we got divorced and you started, you know, seeing Nina or whatever? Weren't you Weren't you, like, just so afraid it was just gonna wind up like we did? Of course I was.
It's hard to get near a stove once you've been burned.
Why? You thinking about cooking? I'm thinking about trying out a new recipe.
Look, we were young, and I was an idiot.
You deserve a chance at something better.
Geez, you got soft.
Ha ha.
I hate you.
I hate you more.
See ya, Joe.
And that's why I don't think there's a more respectable bird than the sea gull.
It survives.
Agreed.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't the one who ran away.
Yeah, that wasn't my best moment.
Eh! I've seen worse moments.
Yeah, well, and I'm sorry.
Listen, I get it.
You're a beautiful woman.
A Philly 11.
You deserve options.
I get options Baked chips, classic chips, cupcakes, sour candy, granola, local, big names.
The world's your vending machine.
Well, I would still like to go out for dinner, if you're interested.
Oh, hell yeah.
How about this? Me, you, Scannicchio's? Oh, yeah, that's where my ex proposed that we, you know, get a divorce, so, you know, not there, but we'll We'll figure out a place.
I knew that chip metaphor would work.
Oh, you know, speaking of options, I would love it if some SnackWell's could find their way back into Row E.
Please.
I'll see what I can do.
Alright.
Yeah, he'll get 'em.
I'm a Philly 11.
You so smart.
My little Science Oprah goin' crazy in the botanies.
Do you mean botany? That's what I said.
Anyway, my friend Crystal is always bragging about how her kids are so smart.
Obviously, I have the smartest kids.
Maybe you can make a video memorizing the periodic table or something.
Send that to Crystal.
What do you do here? I'm the principal.
But you don't do anything.
We shuttin' this down.
He gettin' too smart.
Oh, no, wait.
Actually, we were all just talking about the gifted program, and we have a solution.
Oh, good, 'cause Black Bobby Fischer is killin' me right now.
Okay, um, well, we thought instead of a few kids getting to do something special every week, what if every kid got to do something special every few weeks? This way, no kid feels left out.
We consider all the intelligences they could have.
We get everyone excited about learning.
And, you know, Jacob will still teach.
- We'll help.
- Yes.
"O Captain! My Captain!" for everyone.
So, if everyone's special, then no one's special.
Works for me.
What do you normally do after school, anyway? Work out, watch "Jeopardy!" Work out and watch "Jeopardy!"? Yeah, at the same time.
It stimulates - the body and the mind.
- That's cool.
- Uh - Oh.
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
I, um I can't open the door or they'll escape.
Who will escape? I found the seventh and eighth snake, okay? They were They were in my bag.
- Oh, no.
- And, um now they're in my car.
- Oh, God.
- Um Uh That man teaches the gifted program.
Mm-hmm.
That sucks, how you had to come up, like, not thinking you're special.
I mean, I really hope you don't carry that with you, because I think you're gifted.
Just not as gifted as me.
Oh, oh, is that so? Okay.
That is.
That is so.
Um, but, in all seriousness, Gregory, I was just thinking, um do you need me to back your car out for you? Because I can do that.
You know, I have the brain that it takes to Alright, now, you have a good night.
- Alright, see you later.
- I'll see you.
I'm really happy Gregory's opening up.
I mean, he's great, and it's really nice to have another friend at the school.
What? Today, I learned that snake eggs and chicken eggs look alike.
We never got to do fun stuff at my old school.
Oh, God! Aah! I like Principal Coleman.
She's like a big kid.
She's silly, and she doesn't have a job.
There's one area of giftedness that always goes overlooked.
I've started a gifted custodian program.
It's like reverse "Good Will Hunting".
You see a genius cleaning.
I see a cleaning genius.