Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s01e06 Episode Script

# Wheels on fire # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode Morning.
Hello death hello oblivion.
- What time is it, darling? - Ten.
- Oh God, I'd better be off.
- It's Sunday.
- It's true, then? - Happy Oh God.
- Happy brthday! - Oh darling.
Oh God, how old am I? No, don't tell me, darling.
- I'm I'm - You're forty.
Oh God, but I don't feel forty.
- Well, you don't look - Oh thank you.
Come on, now.
It's not the end of the world.
It's just a day.
Like any other day It's like I hit an oil patch at thirty-five and now I'm just skidding towards the grave.
Do I look any different, darling? Look at my face.
Who do you see there? - You can lie.
I just want a response here.
- Get Patsy to do that.
She's much better at it You look like a forty-year old woman who has just woken up.
I haven't even been asleep I couldn't sleep.
I could feel the fortiness coming upon me in the night, darling.
Have a look out of the window.
Are the buzzards circling? Do you want my present and those cards now or later? - They might cheer you up.
- Oh what? - Oh never mind.
- You have to speak up, darling.
Messages take longer to reach old brains.
I've got old ears now.
Listen to me.
Old ears or not, try and concentrate.
It's your birthday and you can make this hell for yourself and everybody else, sulk and feel sorry for yourself, or get up, cheer up and enjoy the day I've made up my mind, sweetie.
If my mother hadn't uncrossed her legs I could be two weeks younger.
- It feels like the end of my life! - It isn't the end of your life.
It may only be halfway through your life, not a prospect I find all that thrilling.
- Find something to look forward to.
- You'd know a lot about it.
How often have you ever been forty? Never, darling, never! This is something that is happening to me.
I have to deal with it.
I'm sorry if that sounds selfish, but it's me, me, me.
It's my bloody 40th bloody birthday.
Oh God, I need some space.
Jesus I hope you're not organising a party or anything, are you? Any sort of special treat or anything for me? - A little treat or something gorgeous.
- Not if you don't want it.
- Oh what? What, then? - It was going to be a surprise.
No, no, darling, I will not have a surprise.
I will not have a surprise party.
If it's going to be a surprise, I want to know about it, so I can decide if I want to come and what I'm going to wear.
You can't expect me to go to any old bloody party, darling.
Well, I don't want a party.
I don't want a party.
I don't want a special big huge party with all my friends, darling.
Some celebrities and little Japanese fingerfood, and a great band and tequila slammers all round at midnight.
- Oh well, I'll cancel that then.
- No, I would like that, sweetie.
I would.
Well, what then? What have you organised? What? Look, I didn't know what you'd want, so I've invited a few people round for family lunch.
What are you calling family, darling? We're hardly the bloody Waltons, are we? - Not just you and my mother, I hope.
is it? - Will you stop behaving like this, please.
Darling, this is how i behave.
I'm allowed to behave however i want on my birthday.
House rule, remember? Especially to someone who didn't even think I might like a champagne breakfast.
Not even a bloody cup of tea on my birthday, that would be asking too much.
Here.
Don't bother opening it.
Throw it straight in the bin, where you'll put it anyway.
Oh alright.
I want a list of who you've invited and I'm not saying I'll be there.
Lacroix! Christian Lacroix! Oh oh, oh Oh sweetie, sweetie Ooooh, sweetie, darling Darling, they're gorgeous.
Where did you get them? - Was it Harvey Nichols? - Yes.
- I can get a discount there, sweetie.
- I'm glad you like them.
Hardly the ill-judged tat you normally give me.
I mean Lacroix, darling They are Lacroix, aren't they? They're not just something you put in the box? - Do you like them or not? - I like them if they're Lacroix.
- Well, they are.
- Oh good.
I like them.
Is Patsy here? - Who got that champagine out? - I did, for you.
Well, pour me a glass, don't let it sit there getting warm, sweetie.
And don't pop it, sweetie.
Squeeze, squeeze it out, darling.
Oh sweetie, oh, darling, can you help me? I'm having a hot flush.
Darling, quickly, feel my skin.
Feel it.
You're standing too close to the kettle.
- I thought I was drying up there for a minute.
- I wish you would.
Do you think we oughtto get some hormone replacement packs for emergencies? One day.
You could find me a little toothless old wad of gum on the floor.
You'll have to slap some glands on me quick.
I'll get some.
- Oh God.
Who have you invited then? - So you're coming then? I didn't say I was coming, I just said who have you invited.
You're forcing me to ask.
Well, there's you, me, Grandma.
- Grandad has to look after the house.
- I thought he was dead.
- There's Justin, Oliver and Marshall.
- Oh God.
Overdosing on the ex-husbands, aren't we, sweetie? I didn't know Marshall was over here from L.
A.
- Is my son with him.
Is Serge with him.
- No.
- Well, where is he? - Taking lava from a volcano in Hawaii.
- Did you invite him.
- I couldn't get hold of him.
And, yes, I faxed the volcano.
Honestly, so that's it then, is it? That's the party list, is it? You, an old woman, two bastard ex-husbands.
- One with a poisonous odious boyfriend.
- And Patsy.
- And you.
- I haven't confirmed.
- What are you doing here? - Making lunch.
Making lunch? - Cooking? - Yes.
- Cooking on our cooker, darling? - Eventually.
Why don't you go upstairs and have a bath and let me get on with it, please.
- Don't you need some help, or something? - please, don't offer.
You've only ever used this cooker to light your fags off of.
Darling, that is simply not That is true It'll make a change to eat some normal food.
I like exotic food.
You are what you eat, remember.
Which makes you a large vegetarian tart.
Now, go and have a bath.
Have you got someone to serve? Oh darling, you have got someone to serve, haven't you, sweetie? Oh God, get a couple of Philippinos in.
Don't look at me like that, sweetie.
They do get paid, you know.
They're glad of it.
You can be a socialist and have staff, but no.
No, darling, we'll clear up our own plates on my birthday, shall we? Happy to work on my bloody birthday.
Oh yes, this bloody birthday I'm having.
Well, not much of a bloody birthday so far, is it? God, you'd think being forty you could expect a bit more.
An old pair of earrings, some miserable old family and friends coming round.
And my son, my one pride and joy, wasn't even bloody invited.
And we'll be forced to eat your cooked food and clear up our own bloody plates Did you just hit me then, darling? That's illegal, isn't it? You're not allowed to hit your parents, are you, darling? Ow, sweetie! Ow! Get upstairs and don't come down unless you can behave.
I'm fed up with it, Mum.
- Sorry, darling.
- Not now.
- I don't want to go back upstairs.
- Go! I like my earrings, darling.
- I'll go and have a bath in them.
Shall i? - Thank you.
What my lovely daughter gave me Lovely, lovely earrings Ah, they're numb! 40th bloody birthday.
Happy 40th bloody happy bloody 40th birthday.
- How is it going? - Oh fine.
I've sent Mum up for a bath.
- Why don't you pop up and see her? - Oh no.
- Anything I can do? - No.
- Anything to cut up or peel? - No, all under control - Cook? - No.
- Would you like me to wash anything up? - All done.
Nothing I can do to help? - I need that bowl.
- Oh.
There we are.
Not completely useless, you see.
- Hello.
- Hello, Marshall.
Come in.
- Hi, I'm Bo.
Sweetie, shall we go in? - Oh ya.
- You must be Saffron.
- Yes, Saffron.
Where's your mother? - She's upstairs.
She may be down later.
- Maybe I should pop up and say hi.
Give her a hello hug, tell her I support her and I'm open to her feelings, - Clear the vibes before the others get here.
- No.
Oh I see stairs.
Give me your hand.
Don't you want to go to the sitting room? No, I like the kitchen.
It's the hearth, the warm centre of family life.
- We like it here, don't we, Marshall? - Yeah.
- How is your mother? - She's fine.
The same.
A bit wider.
- Right.
And how are you? - Oh you know.
The same.
This is your water, Marshall.
I see four cubes of ice in it.
Is that OK? - Shall i put it here for you? - Yeah.
Is that a lemon in it? - Is this a lemon in Marshall's water? - Not a whole one.
- I think it is, dear.
- Will you take it out for me? Excuse me.
Hi.
Could I get a cloth or a dish or a napkin to put this in? - I'll take out a couple of ice-cubes too.
- Ya, that would be nice.
I'm gonna take out a couple of cubes of ice.
This water is really gassy by the way.
Are you sure you can cope with just pure water, Marshall? Why don't you have a drink? Excuse me.
It's a party.
Go on.
No, Gran.
Go on.
Just have a little drink.
That's it.
Go on.
One little drink won't kill you.
You used to like a drink.
Just a little one.
Go on.
- Just a little teeny sip of a little drink? - Bo!! Marshall has had a drug and alcohol addiction problem.
Oh don't feel embarrassed, we talk about it really freely.
He used to shoot up.
Oh dear.
You sure? I see olives.
Those are green olives and those are black olives.
Shall i pip one for you, honey? - You stay and talk to them.
- Oh no.
- Go back and talk to them.
Please.
- I'd rather kiss a baboon's bottom.
- Hello, sweetheart.
- Hello, Dad.
Thank you.
- Oliver's here.
- Good.
I invited you both.
I want you to know that we think it's a very, very brave thing that you're doing.
Whatever happens, sweetie, it's the thought that counts.
- It's the thought that stinks.
- What does an old woman know? Not that old can't be beautiful and not knowing something isn't positive Something smells yummy.
What time are we aiming for eating? I was aiming for eating 2 o'clock-ish.
I haven't got an exact schedule.
Marshall may have to eat sooner.
He's hypoglycaemic.
He gets low energy and constipation if I don't mash it up.
- Have a crisp.
- All right.
There you go.
Happy brthday, Ed.
Looking great.
- Did you see? - Everybody's here.
- Who's here? - I'm not going down there, darling.
But I want you to go down and get me a drink.
Bring up a bottle.
And talk about me a little when you're down there, would you? - Champagne, sweetie? - Yes, Bolli.
They'll be on Moet.
I want you to look round my house again, Justin.
I'm sure I've got something that could go on the Antiques Roadshow.
Pay no attention, don't even look at her.
She was always doing that as a child.
- Rescue remedy! Rescue remedy! - Oh get off, get off, get off.
I didn't realise the party could have dregs before it had even begun.
Thanks, Pats Everyone else carry on enjoying yourselves at my expense.
I'm not staying.
- Are you alright? - Oh you can see me, I do exist.
Too late, darling.
Come on, Pats God, how can there be so much pain in this leg and not one single mark, Pats? - Hack with a razor if you want sympathy.
- Yeah I think I should.
Mum, can I come in? So long as you haven't come to hit me again, darling.
- Are you OK? - Ahh - Internal injuries mainly, you know.
- Where's Patsy? - She's on the loo.
- Are you coming down? What? - We're not talking to you, Pats - Are you coming down? - Oh yes, me.
I have to do everything.
I have to get up, I have to get changed I have to come down the bloody stairs.
It hasn't occurred to anybody to come up and see me.
I've been up here for hours on my own, being forty.
On my own, darling.
I could be eighty, dribbling in my incontinence pants before anyone came to see me.
Can I borrow some tights and knickers? I didn't get home last night.
Second drawer down over there, Pats - please, we're about to eat.
- That's hardly the high point, is it? Hardly a tempting smorgasbord awaiting me downstairs, is there, darling? - Did you invite Oliver to spite me? - He's Dad's boyfriend, he should be here.
It's my birthday! Why do you hate him.
What's the real reason? It's not because he's gay.
I came to terms with that before they did.
All my friends are gay.
Well then, why? How long is it taking you to find a pair of knickers? Have you got any G-strings, or are they all jumbo? Darling, there should be a G-string in there somewhere.
Not that I've worn them since I tried something on at Harvey Nichols and thought I was sharing a cubicle with a sumo wrestler.
- Well? - Are you waiting for me to say something? - What have I got to say? - Why you hate Oliver.
I thought it was perfectly obvious I hate him because you like him.
I could see you down there, chatting and laughing and joking with him.
I virtually have to plunge headlong down a vertical staircase to even raise an eyebrow from you those days, don't i, darling? All right, I promise I won't talk to Oliver if you come downstairs.
I'll come downstairs if you'll change those awful trousers.
- Why? You bought me those.
- Those aren't the ones from Benetton.
God, darling, how do you look like this in clothes? They look different on anyone else in the world.
how do you do that to clothes? - Just try and relax and enjoy yourself.
- You're not eating, Patsy? - No, liquid lunch for me, Mrs M.
No wonder you're still thin as a rake.
Men like something to get hold of, you know.
Isn't that right, Oliver? You know, you have a terrific figure.
"You have a terrific figure".
Gee whiz, isn't she the cutest thing.
What a sweet thing to say.
- Mum! - I'm being nice, darling.
Did you find her floating around L.
A.
With the rest of the airheads? - You've been through a few, haven't you? - Mum, don't! you promised.
We've got to take our minds off the vegetable bloody mousse.
- How's the script coming, Marshall? - Yes, how's the script? Is this the script you've been developing for the past 15 years? It's at a really exciting stage.
Marshall just signed a new development deal with Paramount.
- It's at a very exciting stage.
- Shall i clear the plates, darling? No, I'll do it, darling, on my brthday.
Shall i work on my brthday? Oh do not do that in front of me or i'll throw up.
Heimlich manoeuvre! Heimlich manoeuvre! Clear, I'm trained in this.
- Darling, I thought I was mad.
- No, you are mad.
- What shall i do now? - Just sit down.
No, I want to work on my birthday.
Isn't there something I could cut up around here? - So, you're in antiques as well? - Yes, Justin and I have a shop.
A shop? A few miserable old bits of furniture.
And you have to ring a bell.
Unwelcoming? Vincent Price could take lessons.
I've always wanted to know how they make furniture look so old.
Just let it live with Edina for a couple of years.
That usually does the trick.
You know, I love old things, I really do.
They make me feel so centred and warm.
It must be so satisfying handling antiques.
- Justin should know, he lived with one.
- Right! Right! That is it! Oh yes, can't keep your hands off second-hand goods, can you? Touché.
Cheers, Eddy.
You know, I am sensing a lot of aggression flowing.
- Are you just going to sit there? - No, just leave it to me.
- Gee whiz, you are a bad woman.
- I think he is.
I think we should leave.
I see no point in celebrating that she's lived so bloody long.
- Oliver, sit down.
- Coming, Justin? No? Well if you want me i'll be at the YMCA.
You're not going, Justin? You're not going? No? - I'm here for Saffy.
- Oh for Saffy.
- I hope you're happy.
- Yes, warming up.
One down.
Forty years, God.
It's like my life has been lived and I don't know how.
I've got this house and all the things in this house.
I've got a child and two ex-husbands downstairs.
I don't know how I got them.
I don't know if I want them any more, you know.
I want to be at home with my record player and my posters.
Not wearing make-up without frightening people.
I went to a party the other night, Pats I thought I looked so gorgeous, so cool, darling.
I just flirted and was loud and gorgeous all night.
I was Kathleen Turner, Marisa Berenson, everybody I came home and I looked in the mirror and I was entirely annihilated.
My hair had sort of gone flat and parted itself in the middle.
A little food here.
I don't know how long the food All night probably.
No lipstick, eyes like pin holes.
I looked like a 200 year old Red Indian dead dwarf.
She's not handling this forty thing too well I wish I could tell her it's no big deal I had a ball on my 40th brthday.
I felt really strong, really sorted out about it.
I realised what a wonderful, lucky person I was.
Whether in your 30's or 40's, you're still the same gorgeous person.
Enjoy life! When will you be fifty? She hasn't started fifty therapy yet.
Oh dear God, I hate Morgan Fairchild.
I hate Jane bloody Fonda.
I hope their old skin comes back to haunt them.
I bought that bloody woman's tapes.
I paid for those plastic domes on herchest.
I want them when she dies.
There must be a moment about a week after death when all those women finally achieve the figure they desire.
Skeleton thin with plastic bumps.
The flesh will rot away,, but the bumps will still be there.
- Little coffins full of bones and bumps.
- Yes.
Can I just have a quality moment here? Can I? No, really, I just want to stop here and say - Could we hold hands? - Oh please, no.
Come on, everybody, hold hands, feeling circle.
I just want to say thank you to whatever being or entity brought us together.
That's enough Bo, we know why we're here.
- Duty.
- I'm here for my daughter.
It's got to be more than that.
Both you and Marshall married her.
It was an error on Marshall's part.
He was weak.
He was stoned.
It was the worst trip of my life.
Why you ever married her, Justin, I'll never know.
- Gran! - Well, she was, I mean I had It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Anyway, she was going through a bad patch.
At least you got away, without being sucked dry.
I'm paying child support for a child I'm supporting.
- And I'm paying for this house.
- I'm paying for this house.
- How much? - Let me handle this, Bo.
How much? - She said she got nothing from you.
- Nothing? Nothing! Marshall pays plenty.
- Bo, I'm handling this.
I pay plenty.
- God damn! - Dad, what is it? - I've just got to talk to your mother.
This is it.
See, honey, it's not over.
How much money could she need? She's got a tiny little daughter, who hardly eats anything.
# Happy birthday to you - Today is bloody No Smoking Day.
- Oh God, bloody No Smoking Day.
- Don't do bloody No Drinking Day, do they? - No Drinking Day No No Shooting People Day.
Can't have that.
No Wearing Bloody Awful Clothes.
Do they? They don't do Nobody Can Be A Bloody Boring Old Fart Day, do they? Saffron wants to know,, are you going to be long in there, burning joss-sticks? As if i didn't know Come on, Pats - She's not going to like this.
Here she comes.
1, 2, 3 # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Edina # Happy birthday to you Oh sweetie.
- Can I just say one little thing? - Yeah.
"Every life is a trash can among whose garbage we have to look out what that person ought to have been.
" - Do you want me to deal with her? - No.
In with anger, out with love.
- You still here, darling? - I have to give you your present Oh presents, yes! It's my birthday, I get presents! Already I got this gorgeous pair, pair Where's the other one gone? - Down the toilet, Ed.
- Oh I didn't like them anyway.
From my lovely daughter.
Lovely little thing from Pats - So, Marsh, where's my pres? - Sweetheart I have the gift.
Have many more.
What the buggery bollocks.
Is this? It's a signed copy of my book on ancient oils.
- Next! - Aren't you very insulted, Marshall? I've lived with her.
Believe me, that's flirtation.
- Where's my present? - It's in the hall.
Oh in the hall.
I hope it's not an old piece of furniture again.
Come on, Pats, let's check it out.
It's in the hall! We're nearly there.
I think she's had almost a perfect day - This money thing is not done with.
- We will sort it out.
- Do you understand me? Just checking.
- Oh yes.
Oh yes.
- No, you do it.
- Go on.
# They say our love won't pay the rent I'm Cher, Patsy.
I'm doing the Cher bit.
# I can't get no # Satisfaction # To do what I have done # Wheels on fire # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode Words, Pats, words.
I've done an inventory of the house.
I couldn't get into the filing cabinet.
- But I own most of the things in this room.
- That does it, then.
- It's time to bring in the lawyers.
- I will deal with the lawyers tomorrow.
- We have a great man in L.
A.
- Listen, leave it to me.
# Wheels on fire # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode # Mash potato Watch out, darling.