After Life (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

1 I've had the best life.
And I couldn't have wished for a better bloke.
But the world's gonna carry on without me, and so are you.
Have fun.
[TAKES A DEEP BREATH.]
And I want you to meet someone else.
Someone nearly as lovely as me.
Nearly.
- [TONY.]
Hello.
- Hello, you.
- [TONY.]
You all right? - Yeah.
- [TONY.]
What are you doing? - Twitter.
Right.
Got a good lead for you.
Local baby looks exactly like Adolf Hitler.
[SIGHS.]
- [WOMAN.]
Ooooh! Hey! - [PARENTS GIGGLING.]
[PARENTS BANGING TABLE.]
Boo boo boo boo boo! - [PARENTS.]
Yeah! - [BABY GURGLING.]
[WOMAN.]
Boo! - [BABY BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
- So is that a birthmark? Oh, no, it's eyeliner.
We did it with marker pen at first, but it took ages to get off.
[MAN.]
Yeah, I mean, this way we can do it when we want then wipe it off if we need to.
[TONY.]
So hold on, it doesn't really look like Hitler then.
[LAUGHING.]
It does.
[TONY.]
No.
I mean naturally.
It wasn't born with its hair combed forward and a mustache, was it? - Nor was Hitler, to be fair.
- Good point.
What I'm saying is, it's not a revelation, is it? I mean, to get in the paper.
"Baby born that looks a bit like Hitler," mildly interesting if it had a real mustache.
But you can draw a mustache on any baby and it looks a bit like Hitler.
Not a black one.
Not as much.
No.
Well, then you'd probably do a little Robert Mugabe or something.
Yeah, or Chinese one.
We'd probably do - Kim Jong-Un or something.
- [WOMAN.]
Yeah.
Or a Korean one, even.
[TONY.]
I've got one more question.
Why do you want your baby to look like Adolf Hitler? You're not fans, are you? We're not Nazis, no.
- Just a bit of fun, innit? I mean - Yeah.
Hitler's the funniest thing to do, I guess.
- [WOMAN CHUCKLES.]
- [BABY GURGLES.]
- Take a picture.
- Yep.
- Smile.
- [WOMAN CHUCKLES.]
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
So will people do literally anything to get in the local paper, then? It's a laugh, innit? - It was funny.
- Yeah.
See? [KEYBOARD CLICKING.]
They should get him a passport now, so he's stuck with that photo for ten years.
[MOUSE CLICKING.]
Oh, here she is.
- [KATH.]
Right.
- [TONY.]
Go on.
- If you were atheist - [TONY.]
I am.
- and don't believe in an afterlife - I don't.
If you don't believe in heaven and hell and all that, why don't you just go around raping and murdering as much as you want? I do.
What? I do go around raping and murdering as much as I want, which is not at all.
'Cause he's got a conscience.
But if death is just the end, what's the point? - [TONY.]
What's the point in what? - Livin'! You might as well just kill yourself.
So if you're watching a movie, and you're really enjoying it, - something with Kevin Hart in - Yeah.
And someone points out that this'll end eventually, do you just go, "Oh, forget it then.
What's the point?" and just turn it off? No, 'cause I can watch it again.
Well, I think life is precious 'cause you can't watch it again.
I mean, you can believe in an afterlife if that makes you feel better.
Doesn't mean it's true.
But once you realize you're not gonna be around forever, I think that's what makes life so magical.
One day you'll eat your last meal, smell your last flower, hug your friend for the very last time.
You might not know it's the last time, so that's why you should do everything you love with passion, you know? Treasure the few years you've got because that's all there is.
I've watched Ride Along 2 five times.
- Well, you haven't wasted your life, then.
- [KATH.]
Definitely not.
No.
- Love Kevin Hart, everythin' about him.
- [TONY.]
Yeah.
His humor, his comedy - his films - Comedy films, mainly.
- Mainly, yeah.
- [TONY.]
Yeah.
- Whatever gets you through.
- [KATH.]
Yeah.
Well, thanks for coming over.
- Pleasure.
- [PHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE.]
Right.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Is this the service for Julian Kane? It's already happened.
Are you a relative? No, friend.
Wasn't much of a do.
Terrible turnout.
Hope mine's not like that.
Sure.
I mean, I look forward to these things, and then that happens.
- It's depressing.
- [SIGHING.]
Well, maybe the next one will be more fun.
Doubt it.
Cot death.
Friend of yours? Yeah.
A guy I used to work with.
Ah, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't breathe in the smoke, love.
You'll be off your tits.
Trust me.
- [ROXY.]
Hey.
- I missed it.
Everyone did.
Doesn't matter.
How've you been? Yeah, good.
The nurse who looks after my dad, I'm gonna ask her out.
- That's brilliant.
- Is it? Yeah.
Another good man taken.
Well she hasn't said yes yet.
She will.
She'd be mad not to.
I don't suppose you'll have time to associate with me when you're all hooked up again.
Stupid.
Trust me.
It gets complicated.
No one wants their fella hanging out with someone like me.
Like you.
A really nice person.
- See you later.
- See you later.
[TONY SIGHS.]
All right, Dad? The soldiers were here again today.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
[CLOCK TICKING.]
Were they? Yeah.
Looking for me.
I kept out of the way.
[SIGHS.]
Were they British or German? German.
Nazis, then? Yep.
Best keep out the way 'til the war's over.
You're a good boy.
- Am I? - Yeah.
What's my name? Charlie.
Yep.
How do you know me? Well, you come here sometimes.
Yep, I come here sometimes.
[TONY SIGHS.]
You're my boy.
Yep.
You drew on the wallpaper, didn't ya? I did, yeah.
When I was seven.
You remember that? [CHUCKLES.]
Your mum's furious.
[LAUGHING.]
She was.
Don't worry about it.
Got a spare roll down the shed.
I'll do it tomorrow.
You did it already, Dad.
- You did it the next day.
- Yeah.
[TUTS.]
I'll do it tomorrow.
I love you, Dad.
- Gay.
- [TONY SNICKERS.]
[TONY SNIFFS.]
[EMMA.]
falling down the back.
If you sit forward, I'll pull it up.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING SOFTLY.]
Okay, right.
I don't wanna do this anymore.
I don't see the point.
Well, I mean, therapy is a way of helping you cope with your feelings.
How? You're asking the question, which means you're on the way to problem-solving.
Am I? That's a great question.
That's a great question, Tony.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
We are here to help you change the negative behavior which contributes to your problems.
What is my negative behavior? You've said yourself, you wanna punish the world - as a result of your loss.
- Yeah.
Some people deserve to be punished, including me.
And I thought I could be the one to administer the punishment, but my mistake was thinking that everyone is an arsehole, and they're not.
Some people are nice, right? And the trick is to find who's nice and who's an arsehole.
But arseholes are clever.
They pretend to be nice.
They pretend to care about you, that You're an arsehole.
So I'm clever.
Yeah.
- So you wanna punish me? - [TONY.]
I don't, actually.
- No.
- No.
I just don't need you around anymore.
I don't [TUTS.]
I don't need you anymore.
Okay.
You're not terrible, you know.
You're not Hitler.
You're a dickhead.
You're a dick.
[BREATHING DEEPLY.]
You feel better, Tony? I do.
Maybe there's something in this, yeah.
You absolute cock.
You cock, you twat.
[TUTS.]
It was your brother-in-law Matt that told me about you, and uh we thought it would be a good idea And I went along with it for a while.
I don't know why.
Like wiggling a tooth.
I knew you were a cock, - but I just thought I'd give it - Well, it seems to be helping him, what with his marriage going down the fucking swanny.
His what? Sorry.
Naughty.
Is everything okay with you and Jill? What? The psychiatrist said you were having marriage problems.
- Well, he shouldn't have done that.
- I know.
He's a twat.
Is it true? Yeah, we are.
[SIGHS.]
What, you're What? You're working it out, though? Well, we're trying to, yeah.
So you're not gonna split up or anything? - Just gonna - Well, maybe.
Really? Oh, come on.
Wha Is it genuinely a revelation to you that other people have problems, Tony? Because they do.
Everyone does.
Most people keep these things to themselves.
They don't go around broadcasting it like you do, but everyone has bad shit in their lives.
So the next time you're rude to some waitress for getting your order wrong, or make someone feel bad for saying something stupid, just know that they might have just failed an exam, or been made redundant, or found out their mum's got cancer.
- What about George? - What, like I haven't thought of that? He doesn't know anything's wrong.
To be honest, he's more worried about his uncle acting mental, threatening to kill himself and other people.
Well tell him he doesn't have to worry about that at least.
That's not gonna happen.
I'm not gonna tell him something that might turn out to be a lie.
I'm not gonna kill myself.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
I'm sorry.
No, you didn't know.
No, not about this.
I mean about everything.
Been a fuckin' pain.
I like this job.
I just used to be better at it.
Used to try harder.
But it's it's a good place to work.
Even with these idiots.
And the little things do matter.
This shitty little free, local newspaper.
It kills a few minutes, in a good way.
A smile 'cause someone saved a blind kitten from a tree.
It's not for reading, it's for being in.
Everyone should be in the local paper at least once.
"I was 'ere.
" It's sweet.
Cheers, Lenny.
What for? For being my human stress ball.
Letting me squeeze your neck.
What a good fuckin' mate you are! Welcome.
You're brilliant, Sandy.
Smart, interested.
Don't ever lose that.
You can do whatever you want.
And Kath.
Thank you for annoying me every day, without fail.
Your banal questions they distracted me.
So, cheers.
Dunno what he's on about.
I think he's being nice.
Hmm.
That's even weirder.
[TONY.]
And cheers, Matt.
Thanks for never giving up.
It must have been like trying to free an injured, angry rat from a trap.
You're doing it for its own good, but it doesn't know that 'cause it doesn't trust anyone anymore so it lashes out.
You can't change the world, but you can you can change yourself.
I'll try harder at that as well.
I'll stick around.
[MATT.]
So, I mean, I won then? - Won what? - I kept you alive long enough to decide you weren't going to kill yourself and you could be happy again.
Happy's a stretch.
But you don't have to confiscate my shoelaces anymore.
Okay.
Get back to work.
Unless you've got somewhere better to be.
I have got somewhere better to be.
[EMMA CHUCKLES.]
Oh, back again.
[TONY.]
Hi.
Umm I was wondering if you wanted to go out for a drink or a meal.
Oh, uh I'm not mad anymore.
- I'm a bit mad.
- [EMMA CHUCKLES.]
But, no madder than anyone else.
I don't know if it's the right thing.
I just Okay.
Well, I mean Can I say I'll think about it? Yep.
I'll take that.
Think about it.
That's good.
There's hope.
Hope is everything.
I don't know what to say.
Just say yes.
I asked her out.
The nurse? Oh, excellent! She's thinking about it, so How are you? I mean are you - Am I happy? - Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yes.
I had the most wonderful life with Stan.
And I have all those memories.
That's all we are anyway, really, memories.
And Stan had a wonderful life, too, and he's not in any pain.
Doesn't even know it's over.
[LAUGHS.]
I do.
But I'd rather live missing him than for him to live missing me.
That's how much I love him.
I wouldn't change anything.
If I went back and changed one thing I didn't like, I might lose something that that bad thing eventually took me to.
You shouldn't regret anything, or think, "Well, if I went back, I might do this or I might do that.
" I'd go back to 1998 and punch Gavin Tilley in the face for looking at Lisa.
- For looking at her? - It was the way he looked at her.
He winked.
She ignored it.
I pretended I hadn't seen it.
I knew it was wrong to punch him, but Also, I think I was embarrassed about being jealous over something, so But now I wish I'd punched him in the face.
[ANNE LAUGHS.]
I found myself ranting about how life's worth living today at work for the first time since Lisa died, and that's your fault.
And I thought I'm gonna carry on saying and doing what I want, and punishing the world, but I'm gonna punish people who deserve it.
I'm gonna use my superpower for good.
'Cause when I was doing and saying exactly what I wanted, it always felt better when it was also the right thing to do.
Know what I mean? If you're a good person, doing things you want to do is the same as doing good.
And you're a good person, and I'd really rather you didn't kill yourself.
Because it would be a waste.
You may not like living much, but you make the world a better place.
And don't give up because then they've won.
And they grow in numbers.
- Who? - Arseholes, you know, like Gavin fuckin' Tilley.
[TONY LAUGHS.]
Gavin fuckin' Tilley.
Ugh.
["AMONG THE LIVING" PLAYING.]
[BIRDS TWITTERING.]
[MUSIC CONTINUES.]
Among the living You'll find the dying Waiting softly To pass on Why can't a love be Like a spirit As it floats up to the sky? With the giving There is taking Neither one feels - [CAR HORN BEEPS.]
- Like it's right And since your heart can't Tell the difference You give up without a fight Because you know it makes you cry 'Cause you can see what's passed you by Because you feel you can't decide Among the living Instead of headstrong Into darkness We should be drifting Into life It's been a long time We've been searching And we still can't get it right Because you know it makes you cry Cause you can see what's passed you by Because you feel you can't decide Among the living Breathing, painted shells Crumbling as they fall Because you know it makes you cry 'Cause you can't see what's passed you by Because you feel you can't decide Among the living Among the living 'Cause you can see what's passed you by Because you feel you can't decide Among the living Are you gonna go for a drink with him? Oh, I dunno.
Do you like him? D'you know, I've worked in this job for God, 25 years, and, I mean, I've seen lonely people, people dying, people in pain, people who've got nothing, and yet I [EXHALES.]
I don't think I've ever met anyone quite as sad as him.
And he did it to himself.
It's like I dunno, he's he's tried to, like, turn his heart into stone so that he wouldn't actually feel anything 'cause it was just all really painful for him.
And yet, he still manages to make me laugh.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Right, let's go for that drink, then.
- Really? - Yeah.
- D'you wanna go to the pub or - Thank you.
Sorry.
- Hey.
- What? You are human.
- I'm getting there.
- [CHUCKLES.]
["LILYWHITE" PLAYING.]
Back upon the mended road I pause Taking time to check the dial And the Lilywhite I never knew her name But she'll be passing my way sometime again