Age Before Beauty (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 I asked you here to tell you that I'm gone.
For good! Teddy'll be home, soon.
- Are you sure he's on his way home? - Where else would he be? This this is a joke, right? It's not a joke.
And I can prove it.
Wanna meet somewhere? Yeah, why not? I love him.
I wish I didn't .
.
but I do.
Well, how lucky is this? Could it have come at a better time? So, who wants a job? Mirror, mirror on the wall .
.
Who's the fairest of them all? Age before beauty? Pearls before swine? Handsome Prince Charming.
Will you be mine? Isabelle Susan Finch, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live? I do.
If you wake up and don't want to smile If it takes just a little while Open your eyes and look at the day You'll see things in a different way Don't stop thinking about tomorrow Don't stop, it'll soon be here It'll be better than before Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone Ooh, don't you look back Ooh, don't you look back Are you ready, Mrs Roxton? Ooh, don't you look back I want them to watch and weep! I want them to see what they've thrown away.
I want tomorrow to be burned into their brain cells forever.
It's so peaceful here.
I should make the most of it.
Thank you, for being a good friend.
I haven't been a good friend.
I keep trying to tell you.
You showed up when I needed someone.
You stuck with me all these months.
I call that friendship.
No, but before that Don't.
What you want to tell me, will it help? I can't go back.
I have to go forward.
Will it help me to do that? Probably not.
So don't tell me.
Welcome home.
I know you can't quite think of it as "home".
I will.
There's no rush.
So, here's what I know.
I know about Lorelei.
I know you've been cheating.
I know it's over.
I know that I'm willing to overlook all of that, because I want you to overlook something, too.
Last night .
.
I slept with Teddy.
Could you possibly stoop any lower? Where did you get that? Does it matter? You're actually taking the moral high ground here? You've been having an affair for months! And you've known about it for months and done nothing! Was that my job? To do something? Maybe if you had, I'd have come to my senses sooner, yeah! Oh, God, what a gonk! How did I miss that it was down to me! But maybe that wasn't part of the plan! Maybe my little slip-up "Slip?!" Maybe that was just the excuse you were waiting for! To what? To get inside Teddy's kecks? And what if that wasn't the plan? What if the plan was to stay married to you? Well, guess what? You've blown it! Look, I was in the wrong.
I totally screwed up.
And I was all set to admit it, and beg you to take me back.
And I would've.
I made a mistake.
You made a mistake.
We're even.
No, Bel, no, we're not even.
Thanks to this .
.
I slept with Leanne! That's not even funny.
I never said it was.
You slept with Leanne? You slept with my sister? After you did this! It was a kiss! A kiss? Just a kiss? Just a kiss! Until until .
.
until last night.
And then what? I .
.
I slept with Teddy.
How was it? Amazing? Mind-blowing? Earth-shattering? Well, maybe not as amazing as you and Leanne or you and Lorelei or you and whoever else you've been screwing behind my back.
Who knows how long you've been shagging him behind mine! Yeah.
"Who knows"? Good question.
Because if you don't know, who does? You've lost me, Bel.
I get that, Wes! I really do.
Because right now, I have no idea who you are! Same! Married 30 years to a woman I thought I knew.
But it turns out she's just some bird who could happily bang my best mate! While you are just some guy who'd happily shag my sister! Maybe I should've married her.
Maybe you should! Well, it's not too late! Since clearly we've both been with the wrong partners all these years.
Tell me about it! Good luck with the rest of your life! Back to the real world? Hi.
Hi.
How's things? Yeah, it was lovely, thanks.
Great weather, good food, amazing views.
Right, let's just crack on, shall we? Where's Heidi? Oh, Mum, the, er Wow.
Top dollar? Buckshee produit.
So now we're short-staffed? Mum's taken over Heidi's clients.
I'm helping her out.
So who's looking after Tina's tans? Shaquille? Yeah.
Meet my apprentice.
Shaquille, welcome.
So I've booked three videographers.
Three? One for me, one for the crowd, and one for Twat-Face and Ding-Dong.
I want every little tear, every frown, every scowl all recorded.
Seriously? Sweetie? With all due respect? This is my second wedding.
As opposed to your, er, zero.
So which of us is likely to be the expert? Exactly.
And I can assure you that weddings are totes about getting one-up on those bastards who've made you suffer! And believe me, that suffering has barely begun! Here today, here to stay! It's the Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus! You said we weren't gonna do this.
You said we'd stay the other side of town and not steal her clients.
Did I? Oops! Unbeatable prices! All the latest treatments! Go inside.
Have a look.
Through here? Yeah.
On that one, straight up there.
- Great, thanks.
- Heidi, this is my home turf.
It's more upmarket and if the best parking spot just so happens to be round the corner from her salon? Tough! - Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus? - Yeah.
Shouldn't it be Leanne Finch? Why should I change names? Leanne Roxton has pedigree in this industry.
Bel's welcome to Teddy-boring-bastard-Bear, I'm keeping the name! You do that way, I'll do this.
Check out the Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus! Step this way and never be afraid to look in the mirror again! There you go, my darling.
Can I give you a leaflet? - Ignore her.
- Are you kidding? There you go, love.
Amazing offers.
Unique produits! Nothing round here that's anything like it! What are you doing? - All's fair in love and business.
- Oh, come on! Oh, says the bitch who won't let her kids go to their own father's wedding! - What? - His big day and they won't be there.
Have you any idea how hurtful that is? Yes, actually, since they weren't there at mine! That's different.
You were the one who broke up the family by seducing my husband! Which I'm totes not arsed about, by the way! Hello, snore over him.
You don't even like my kids.
Well, that was before.
Now they're my step-kids.
And by the way, I am going to be such a cool step-mom! Really? Because you weren't such a cool auntie.
And I can't help wondering, if you're so keen on kids, how come you didn't have any of your own? Oh, my God.
Did you just do that? Disrespect my choices? Childlessness-shame me? Not that I'm arsed.
My decision to devote myself to my career is one which I have totes not regretted for a single second.
Although .
.
now I'm with Wesley, I might just have a rethink.
ON PHONE: Hi, it's Dante, leave a message.
OK, so I'm going through my bank statements, and they tell me I'm fulfilling my part of the deal.
Then I'm going through my missed calls, and they tell me you're not.
So, to be clear, this regular support was for you to lie low and keep your distance, not disappear and ignore my calls.
I need to know I can rely on you, pal, that .
.
you'll support me by keeping shtoom.
Do I have your word on that? Because I don't want to have to "delete standing order", do I? How can you not know where he is? He's gone to ground.
Which he does when he's in trouble.
Which you'd know if you'd been around for longer than the last two years.
What sort of trouble? Debts.
- Help him out.
- I do.
By not bailing him out.
It's an addiction.
You don't feed it, you starve it.
- Shall I talk to him? - Why? I'm his dad.
Oh! You remembered! I did what I could.
I gave you a tidy pay-out.
Which you used to set up a multi-million-pound business.
- So in the end - It all worked out for the best.
Hasn't it? You know, sometimes I think I should've just looked the other way.
When? Two years ago, when I ran into you at the network event.
- I never said you should tell him about me.
- I know.
I just thought that What? What harm could it do? If he gets in touch, tell him to call me.
Apprentice? That's all I am? Obviously not.
But why do they need to know any more? Well, for one, your mum keeps grabbing my ass and I think she should know it's off the market.
And, two, we've been saying for six months we'll tell people.
Yeah, during which time, World War III kicked off.
And it would look tacky to be making smiley faces while everyone else were falling apart.
Well, tomorrow we tell 'em.
Or you can start looking for a new apprentice.
So, I take it it's a no from the kids, to the wedding? Well, what did you expect? It's more what I hoped.
That's sweet, coming from you! The poster boy for Family Values.
Plus, I didn't see anyone trying to persuade them to come to mine.
Maybe not, but someone did.
Who? Wesley.
- I can't believe Dad sent you.
- He didn't.
- You of all people? - Me of all people? So, just to be clear, I am the bad guy here, not your dad.
- Dad's a sad old fuck.
- A walking cliche.
Who had an affair.
- But you set him up.
- Me? No career, no conversation, stay-at-home-mum, boring housewife.
- What? - What happened to ambition? What happened to to doing something with your life? I stayed at home for you guys.
- Did we ask you to? - To be fair, I liked her at home.
Half me mates never saw the 'rents.
They were always busy off out at work.
Least they had a life! Least they had stuff to talk about! What did Dad come home to? "Tyler got a gold star", "Lexie got detention".
That's not the point.
- That is SO the point.
- No! The point is, Dad was a knob for cheating in the first place, but Mum was an even bigger knob for not seeing it for what it really was, a mid-life jiggy with a 20-something Barbie.
She could've hung in there, she could've waited for him to come to his senses.
- Instead of which - She took a bite of her sister's pancake.
Classy! I get it.
I blew it! Whatever decisions I made were the wrong ones.
Hello! Self-pity city.
And you've made your feelings perfectly clear.
You boycotted me wedding What else would we do? Oh, wait respect your wishes? Celebrate your choices? Er, maybe? And afford your dad the same courtesy on the basis that he's fallible, like the rest of us and he doesn't need to be punished for the rest of his life.
Go to his wedding.
Not for my sake .
.
for his.
He shafted you, big-style, and you're still doing his dirty work.
Show some dignity, Ma.
SHE SIGHS And when you smile The whole world stops and stares for a while Cos, girl, you're amazing! Eat your heart out, Ding-A-Ling.
They despise me.
They're young, Bel.
And they don't get how it works.
How does it work? I'm not sure I get it either.
KNOCK AT DOOR I don't know what to say.
Leanne, I know she's desperate for attention, and and maybe that's my fault.
I let her down.
I wasn't there.
But Wes? How could he do that to you? Practice.
How long have you known? Months.
Why didn't you tell me? SHE SIGHS At first, I thought it was a mistake.
And then I thought it would soon be over.
And then I met her.
How? I booked a sesh.
Wanted to see what she was like, what she had that I didn't.
In the end, he left her, so she didn't have anything.
And neither did I.
You have me.
I know what you said last night.
You still love him.
I totally get that, I totally respect you don't love me.
It's not that I don't love you.
It's that I thought I loved him more.
I understand.
But then I think .
.
does he deserve it? I mean, he's screwed up several times with several women.
Once, I could forgive, but more than once? I mean, that's just taking the piss.
Especially with your own sister.
I don't know who he is any more.
But you know who I am.
And how I feel.
And that will never change.
Does it ever seem like we all went slightly doolally, and by the time we all got sane again, everything had moved on, and we were all running to catch up? Well .
.
it doesn't seem like that to me.
Well, it seems that, before you, nothing made sense.
And now it does.
- You ever hear from Miss PT? - Long gone.
- Any regrets? - Starting it in the first place? - Ending it.
- Yeah, sometimes.
She was a nice girl, we had good times, but .
.
when I look back, what was it? A few weeks of madness which cost me a marriage.
- And a friendship.
- Hmm.
You were my best mate, I trusted you with my life, and you go and sleep with my wife? You slept with mine.
Afterwards.
No! I think it was pretty much simultaneous.
Look, is there any point to this? Nobody comes out smelling of Brut.
Least of all the guy who had the affair in the first place.
- Egged on by you.
- Yeah, I admit it! I thought you could have your cake, but that's not what happened.
People got hurt, people felt betrayed, and people needed a shoulder to cry on.
And yours just so happened to be in pole position.
Mate, it's done.
I'm gutted Leanne didn't feel she could turn to me.
I'm grateful you were there when she needed someone.
You know, no-one meant for this to happen, but it did, and we can either spit the dummy or be grown-up.
Leanne wants a divorce.
You're kidding me? And I owe it to her not to make a fuss.
I humbly suggest you owe Bel the same.
You mean, none of us should try and save our marriages? It's gone way beyond that, pal.
You of all people should know when to call time.
Hey .
.
I really wish you well, mate.
And I hope the day will come when we can all sit round a table together with no hard feelings.
How's that ever going to happen? - This wedding - Mm-hm? .
.
whose idea were it? Mine.
- Surprised? - Yeah! You always said she was a bit of a craze-ball.
She was.
But when Bel and Teddy shafted us, something happened, we just we kind of latched on to each other, joined ranks.
In a crisis, you start seeing people in a different light.
So, yeah, she's loud, she's not subtle, but there's no side to her.
You know, I thought I knew Bel like the back of me hand, but But you've hardly spoke to Bel in six month.
Maybe there's another side to the story.
To be honest, I've moved on.
Everyone's moved on.
If it dun't work out with Leanne, so be it.
Well, can't be any worse than my marriage to Bel.
We had a lot going for us and that still turned to shit.
Yeah, but to not even try? I'm a joiner, Tine.
Joiners get called out to mend broken things.
I've done my time fixing stuff.
And now I want something brand-new.
Ugh, seriously, dude.
When I think about what they've done, what spectacular off-the-scale, batshit-crazy fuckwits they are They're ancient, senile, brain cells bollocksed.
That's never happening to me.
I will never be those eejits.
You say that, but in the end, what's it all come down to? - Discernment.
- Discernment? And I don't have a lot of faith in mine.
Why? That guy I was seeing, I thought I knew him, and he showed himself to be the most humungous weirdo prick.
How? He had these Star Wars figures.
Why's that weird? You had Gimli and Legolas! He used them to show me how he pimped his best friend.
To who? Some guy, some married guy, so that this guy would cheat on his wife.
But then Dante's dad would swoop in and waltz off .
.
with the wife.
Sounds like Mum, Dad and Teddy! Yeah Who was this guy? The dad who ran away with the wife? Never found out.
Not seen Dante for months.
Why do you think he told you? Said he wanted to stop having secrets.
Yeah, but why you? Why that story? OK, Mrs Roxton .
.
shall we do this? Who's Padme? You'd better come in.
Every bride wants their wedding day to be perfect.
But how can you guarantee you'll be looking your bride-body-best on your big day? Easy-peasy! Book the Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus.
Today, I'm going to show you how to be bride-body-ready so you can outshine your bridesmaids, upstage your mother-in-law, out-do your best friend, and wipe the floor with the bitch who stole your husband, who you now wouldn't have back if he paid you.
He did pay you.
Mm! A small fortune! So cheers, twat face, this wedding's on you! So, let me talk you through exactly what we're going to do to turn snore-bore bride into bootylicious babe bride.
He zubed everyone? Mum, Dad, your mate? And you went along with it because? He's me dad.
Now, looking at me, you wouldn't believe I fall into the category of "older bride".
And although we can't work miracles, we can definitely give hope to the older woman who fears her days of looking hot are behind her.
What's this all in aid of? Hello? Website? Business Plan? I'm positioning myself as the go-to girl for wedding, prom and pamper packages.
- That's a really good idea.
- Yeah! I actually have ideas, you know? Contrary to what Teddy and Bel would have you believe.
- We have to tell Mum.
- And Dad.
If I ask you to do something, will you trust me that it's completely and utterly for the right reasons? OK.
- You need to be somewhere.
- Where? - Knowlemeade Hall.
- Why? Because.
OK? Will you let me know when Ding Dong gets here? I thought she looked well chunk yesterday.
She's deffo up a dress size.
It's probably all that pasta she ate on honeymoon! 'Course, she dun't have to try any more now she's got him.
Wonder if he knows what a blob he's let himself in for? Wesley's well shot.
No, it goes there.
- What's Dayna Gifford doing here? - She's a client.
- Yeah, Bel's client.
- Not for much longer.
Leon's here! Can I go see him? Absolutely not.
And don't call him Leon! Footballers are very dodgy characters and we don't want anything to do with them.
Unless, of course, I'm going to ask them to be brand ambassador to my business? - Mum's not picking up.
- Dad's not picking up.
Mum Dad, don't get married.
Just wait until we get there.
- Just don't let Dad get married.
- Just don't get married.
You have to stop the wedding.
Here I am Prayin' for this moment to last Livin' on the music so fine Go out! Borne on the wind Makin' it mine! I thought you were giving the bride away.
Your sister's decided the wheels'd lower the tone so she's giving herself away.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS Are you going opened or closed? CHATTER It's just Leanne's day.
Apparently we've got reserved seats.
- It's a special request.
- Yeah MUSIC: Prince of Denmark's March by Jeremiah Clarke We are here today to celebrate the union of Wesley James Finch and Leanne Ivy Patricia Regan.
Today, they will proclaim their love for one another and we will celebrate with them.
So let me begin by asking, if any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, let them now declare it.
DOOR OPENS Sod this! CAR HORNS BLARE Before you are joined together in marriage, it is my duty to remind you of the solemn and binding nature of the vows you're about to make.
Marriage is the union of two people, entered into voluntarily for life - PHONE VIBRATES - .
.
to the exclusion of all others.
I'm now going to ask you each in turn to declare that you know of no legal reason why you may not be joined together in marriage.
Wesley James, do you take Leanne Ivy Patricia to be your lawful wedded wife, and to be loving, faithful and loyal to her for the rest of your life together? I do.
Leanne Ivy Patricia, do you take Wesley James to be your lawful wedded husband, to be loving, faithful and loyal to him for the rest of your life together? I do.
Sit down.
- How long before you? - Three weeks.
- Does he know? - No-one knows.
Why are you here? My friend said I should come.
He said there was something I needed to know.
I call upon these persons here present.
To witness that I, Wesley James.
To witness that I, Wesley James.
Take you, Leanne Ivy Patricia.
Take you, Leanne Ivy Patricia.
To be my lawful wedded wife.
- Dad, don't do it! - It's a trap! You've been shafted.
You vicious little madam.
Guys, please don't do this.
Not now.
Dad, you have to listen.
Get them out of here! We need to tell you something.
Don't think I don't know who's put you up to this! The cow! The desperate little tramp! Where is she? - Let's not do this now, Leanne! - Where is she?! - Dad, please.
- You have to listen.
Guys, enough! Please.
Will you get them out of here? I thought you two were getting back together.
I thought so too.
Why didn't that happen? Because my sister swooped in and grabbed him.
But aren't you gutted? I'm married to her ex.
Oh, my God.
Don't you get it? If I'd known - What? - .
.
that Wes would be free Why didn't someone tell me? If you didn't want him, I could've had him.
We could've been together.
We could've been a family.
She put those brats up to it.
- Well, it won't work.
- I doubt that very much.
No way is she wrecking my big day.
I call upon these persons here present to witness Mum's not here.
Where the hell is she? .
.
take you, Wesley James, to be my lawful wedded husband.
To love and to cherish from this day forward in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.
Carry on! Don't tell Wes.
Promise me you won't tell him.
I don't want him to know.
Don't you think he'd want to know? What possible good would it do now? - Oh, Christ! - Is that? Dad's? Are you Lexie? Er, yeah.
This is Tyler.
It's good to finally meet you.
- Mum, we need to tell you something.
- What? - We're so sorry.
- We don't blame you.
- None of this is your fault.
- Or Dad's.
- What do you mean? - Or yours.
What are they talking about? - You were set up.
All of you.
- Totally shafted.
By who? Teddy.
I'm so sorry.
The last thing we want is to hurt you.
- Or you.
- But when we found out How did you? - That guy I was seeing - Dante.
You were seeing Dante? He's been shafted too.
He'd no choice.
Teddy's his dad.
He can't be.
Ask him.
Oh, my Leanne.
What? She never had kids.
Shit.
Oh, God, she's going to be devastated.
I just I need to get out of here.
- I'll come with you.
- No, I'm fine.
- I'll get you a taxi.
- No, honestly, I just want to WATER DRIPS I give you this ring as a symbol of our love.
I give you this ring as a symbol of our love.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What do I do? What do I do?! This isn't happening.
Lex, call an ambulance.
Tyler, make sure no-one comes in.
She needs to stay calm.
Lorelei, look at me, look at me, sweetheart.
Tell me what's happening.
Are you contracting? I can't be contracting! I'm not due for three weeks.
- SHE YELPS - You're contracting.
Hello? Yeah, I need an ambulance.
Let's get you on your hands and knees, OK? Look at me, look at me.
Lorelei, this baby is on its way now.
- Oh, dear God! - But there's nothing to panic about.
There is.
There is! Yeah, we think it's coming now.
I don't know, I'll ask.
Do we need talking through it? No, we don't need talking through it.
We know exactly what we're doing.
- Do we? - Exactly what we're doing.
I promise to love you.
To be faithful and loyal in good times and bad.
And may this ring remind you of all the words we've spoken today.
And may this ring remind you Shouldn't we get someone? An ambulance will be here any minute.
We don't need anybody else.
She's doing great.
You're doing great, sweetheart.
- LORELEI CRIES OU - You are doing great.
All that I am, I give to you.
And all that I have, I share with you.
Look at me.
Breathe in and out.
LORELEI MOANS Today is a new beginning.
May you have many happy years together, and in those years, may all your hopes and dreams be fulfilled.
Does she want Dad? Do you? Do you want him? LORELEI MOANS Maybe get him just in case.
He's getting married! It's his kid! Just stay with her.
It now gives me great pleasure to tell you both that you are now legally husband and wife.
APPLAUSE Excuse me.
Sorry.
I'm looking for Lorelei.
- Dante? - Yes.
Come with me.
- It's coming! - Mum! Are you comfy like that? Dante, she needs you.
Let her lean on you, OK? LORELEI MOANS There we go.
That's it.
Keep breathing.
It's OK.
- Almost there.
- It's OK.
Almost there.
You're doing great.
That's it.
BABY CRIES Well, hello, baby girl.
Aren't you the image of someone we know and love? We did it.
We did it.
- We did it.
- We did it.
CHEERING SIREN WAILS Can we make sure that ambulance doesn't get in any shots? I don't want it ruining the photos.
Hey.
You're amazing.
No, you're amazing.
I can go with you.
No.
We'll be fine.
You have stuff to sort here.
And I will.
Leave it with me.
Hey, come here.
Where is she? How dare she not be here? She's done this on purpose! Did you see where she went? Was she with Lex and Ty? No idea.
Excuse me! This is my day, these are my photos.
Anyone not here inside two minutes will be out of the picture.
Excuse me, if this is a family group, aren't we missing some? Yeah, Bel and the kids.
That's their problem.
I was referring to my other son-in-law, unless I'm very much mistaken.
Do the honours, Tina.
- Just smile.
- Really? - Did you know about that? - No.
Welcome to the circus, pal.
Thank you, sir.
I think I'm well prepared.
I seriously doubt that.
Right, anyone else? Unbelievable, this cannot be happening.
I can't believe you'd do this, upstage my big day! How could you? - Now do you see why I wanted to keep us quiet? - Yep.
Three, two, one CAMERA CLICKS She won't be long.
Just had to nip home and change.
What are you doing here? I want you to know that I'm really glad we got to know each other, and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out how you wanted.
What are you on about? And despite everything, I really don't think you're a bad person.
Why are you here? It's not what we agreed.
- You're supposed to be - Your little secret? I know.
But I've helped you shit on too many people and I don't want to do that any more.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- What's going on? Not your business.
Do you know this person? Oh, he knows me.
Well? Intimately.
- You're gay.
- Yeah.
- You're his twink? - No.
I'm his son.
I don't think so! Teddy didn't want kids.
Neither did I.
Our careers came first.
That's lucky, since the first thing he did after I came on the scene was get the snip.
The what? You little prick.
He did what? You absolute arsehole.
Lads! Lads! Lads! Hey, what are you doing? Steady on.
You OK? Come on.
You had the snip? SHE SOBS Good thing you never wanted kids.
Why would I not want kids? Bel has kids.
You have kids.
Kid.
Of course I wanted kids.
Oh, hello, it's good of you to grace us.
Happy, are we? Won, have we? Is it a competition? Ask Teddy.
Yeah, Bel, could I have a word? - A private word.
- Yes, you can.
But first I want a private word with Wes.
No! No, absolutely not! Would you mind? You will not do this! You will not go with her.
My best mate, our oldest friend, how did he manage? How could we ever be so? Dumb? Dense? Blind? I trusted him.
We trusted him.
I married him! And I just married Leanne.
Oh, Christ, what have we done? - I'll leave her.
- No.
How can I stay with her? She's not done anything wrong.
This is not her fault.
What do I do? What do we do? Wait.
- For what? - Her to get fed up.
Which she will, because once she thinks that she's "won" and I've "lost", then she'll realise that she's actually got nothing in common with you.
She's way better suited to Teddy.
Yeah, but what about you? You can't stay with him.
Right now, he's the least of my concerns.
Jesus, Bel.
- What? - What the hell were we thinking? Er, did you forget something? Like, hello! My husband's tonsils you've got your teeth wrapped round.
Leanne, seriously? He married you.
I'm his sister-in-law.
Can we please just move on? GLASS CHIMES What happened there? Oh, well, I'm sure you deserved it.
Bel, can I just? Not now, if you don't mind, I want to hear the speeches.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE GLASS CHIMES Right, we don't need any of this "father-of-the-bride" bollocks.
Bloody hell.
I would like to say something about the institution of marriage.
To which you might say, "Who's she to talk?" Too true.
Me and your dad have shagged around since day one, and that is not about to change.
So why bother with the formalities of marriage? Because we're not perfect.
We screw up, we screw around, but at the end of the day, we come home.
That's what counts.
Thank you, Mum.
I think we all get the gist.
And I'm here to tell you that when it comes to happily ever after, that me and Wes have got it covered.
And it should be said that through no fault of my own, I've not been able to bless this world with offspring.
But Wesley and I are still young, and unlike some people .
.
I intend to prove that two things in particular are not mutually exclusive .
.
career and motherhood.
And now, here's Disney with another show-stopping performance.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE When your legs don't work like they used to before And I can't sweep you off of your feet PHONE BUZZES Hey.
Look, I don't know exactly what's been said .
.
but contrary to what you might think, this has only ever been about one thing.
- You love me.
- I love you.
I've always loved you.
And if I've done things that might not have seemed ideal, please understand I had no choice.
In a toss-up between you and everything else, it's you first and the rest nowhere.
And given that, what was I supposed to do? Give me a chance to make it up to you.
To Wes, to everyone.
I need to go.
- I need to go.
- But you'll come back? Promise you'll come back.
I just want to tell you I am So, honey, now And now it's time to let it through Cos, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go oh, oh, oh As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go oh, oh, oh You're gonna leave 'em falling down, down, down Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.
CHEERING I could kill him.
There's a queue.
Come on.
We don't need calligraphy to write a fancy story Kings and queens return to thieves to find what we've been holding You and me We can take the world There's no way you can stick with him.
I stuck with you, didn't I? Far longer than I deserved.
Bel .
.
I never said sorry.
For throwing away the most perfect I was never perfect.
For me, you were.
I was just too dumb to see it.
And now? Second family? More kids? No way.
Done that, earned my right to a peaceful old age.
Oh, I don't know.
Imagine doing it all again, knowing what you know, having learnt from your mistakes.
Couldn't you make a better job of it this time round? I could.
Leanne might surprise you.
I doubt it.
And Lorelei.
How do you think she'd be as a mum? Pretty good, probably.
Why do you ask? Because I think we're about to find out.
Her name's Isabella.
She's three hours old.
Looks like you're going to have to postpone that peaceful old age! But what? How? That's not Is it? How do? - I don't understand.
- You don't need to.
You just need to know that she's welcome, they both are, and we're going to take care of them because they're family.
How the hell are? How are we going to make this work? I've no idea.
Let's find out.
Oh, like we can take the world Ain't it just like love to find us? Ain't it just like love? Ain't it just like love to find us? Oh, ain't it just like love? Cos they can write stories They can sing songs They don't make fairy tales sweeter than ours Oh, they can climb mountains high into the sky But they can't take the world Oh, no, no Like we can take the world The world La da da, la da da Da da da da da da.
For good! Teddy'll be home, soon.
- Are you sure he's on his way home? - Where else would he be? This this is a joke, right? It's not a joke.
And I can prove it.
Wanna meet somewhere? Yeah, why not? I love him.
I wish I didn't .
.
but I do.
Well, how lucky is this? Could it have come at a better time? So, who wants a job? Mirror, mirror on the wall .
.
Who's the fairest of them all? Age before beauty? Pearls before swine? Handsome Prince Charming.
Will you be mine? Isabelle Susan Finch, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as you both shall live? I do.
If you wake up and don't want to smile If it takes just a little while Open your eyes and look at the day You'll see things in a different way Don't stop thinking about tomorrow Don't stop, it'll soon be here It'll be better than before Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone Ooh, don't you look back Ooh, don't you look back Are you ready, Mrs Roxton? Ooh, don't you look back I want them to watch and weep! I want them to see what they've thrown away.
I want tomorrow to be burned into their brain cells forever.
It's so peaceful here.
I should make the most of it.
Thank you, for being a good friend.
I haven't been a good friend.
I keep trying to tell you.
You showed up when I needed someone.
You stuck with me all these months.
I call that friendship.
No, but before that Don't.
What you want to tell me, will it help? I can't go back.
I have to go forward.
Will it help me to do that? Probably not.
So don't tell me.
Welcome home.
I know you can't quite think of it as "home".
I will.
There's no rush.
So, here's what I know.
I know about Lorelei.
I know you've been cheating.
I know it's over.
I know that I'm willing to overlook all of that, because I want you to overlook something, too.
Last night .
.
I slept with Teddy.
Could you possibly stoop any lower? Where did you get that? Does it matter? You're actually taking the moral high ground here? You've been having an affair for months! And you've known about it for months and done nothing! Was that my job? To do something? Maybe if you had, I'd have come to my senses sooner, yeah! Oh, God, what a gonk! How did I miss that it was down to me! But maybe that wasn't part of the plan! Maybe my little slip-up "Slip?!" Maybe that was just the excuse you were waiting for! To what? To get inside Teddy's kecks? And what if that wasn't the plan? What if the plan was to stay married to you? Well, guess what? You've blown it! Look, I was in the wrong.
I totally screwed up.
And I was all set to admit it, and beg you to take me back.
And I would've.
I made a mistake.
You made a mistake.
We're even.
No, Bel, no, we're not even.
Thanks to this .
.
I slept with Leanne! That's not even funny.
I never said it was.
You slept with Leanne? You slept with my sister? After you did this! It was a kiss! A kiss? Just a kiss? Just a kiss! Until until .
.
until last night.
And then what? I .
.
I slept with Teddy.
How was it? Amazing? Mind-blowing? Earth-shattering? Well, maybe not as amazing as you and Leanne or you and Lorelei or you and whoever else you've been screwing behind my back.
Who knows how long you've been shagging him behind mine! Yeah.
"Who knows"? Good question.
Because if you don't know, who does? You've lost me, Bel.
I get that, Wes! I really do.
Because right now, I have no idea who you are! Same! Married 30 years to a woman I thought I knew.
But it turns out she's just some bird who could happily bang my best mate! While you are just some guy who'd happily shag my sister! Maybe I should've married her.
Maybe you should! Well, it's not too late! Since clearly we've both been with the wrong partners all these years.
Tell me about it! Good luck with the rest of your life! Back to the real world? Hi.
Hi.
How's things? Yeah, it was lovely, thanks.
Great weather, good food, amazing views.
Right, let's just crack on, shall we? Where's Heidi? Oh, Mum, the, er Wow.
Top dollar? Buckshee produit.
So now we're short-staffed? Mum's taken over Heidi's clients.
I'm helping her out.
So who's looking after Tina's tans? Shaquille? Yeah.
Meet my apprentice.
Shaquille, welcome.
So I've booked three videographers.
Three? One for me, one for the crowd, and one for Twat-Face and Ding-Dong.
I want every little tear, every frown, every scowl all recorded.
Seriously? Sweetie? With all due respect? This is my second wedding.
As opposed to your, er, zero.
So which of us is likely to be the expert? Exactly.
And I can assure you that weddings are totes about getting one-up on those bastards who've made you suffer! And believe me, that suffering has barely begun! Here today, here to stay! It's the Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus! You said we weren't gonna do this.
You said we'd stay the other side of town and not steal her clients.
Did I? Oops! Unbeatable prices! All the latest treatments! Go inside.
Have a look.
Through here? Yeah.
On that one, straight up there.
- Great, thanks.
- Heidi, this is my home turf.
It's more upmarket and if the best parking spot just so happens to be round the corner from her salon? Tough! - Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus? - Yeah.
Shouldn't it be Leanne Finch? Why should I change names? Leanne Roxton has pedigree in this industry.
Bel's welcome to Teddy-boring-bastard-Bear, I'm keeping the name! You do that way, I'll do this.
Check out the Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus! Step this way and never be afraid to look in the mirror again! There you go, my darling.
Can I give you a leaflet? - Ignore her.
- Are you kidding? There you go, love.
Amazing offers.
Unique produits! Nothing round here that's anything like it! What are you doing? - All's fair in love and business.
- Oh, come on! Oh, says the bitch who won't let her kids go to their own father's wedding! - What? - His big day and they won't be there.
Have you any idea how hurtful that is? Yes, actually, since they weren't there at mine! That's different.
You were the one who broke up the family by seducing my husband! Which I'm totes not arsed about, by the way! Hello, snore over him.
You don't even like my kids.
Well, that was before.
Now they're my step-kids.
And by the way, I am going to be such a cool step-mom! Really? Because you weren't such a cool auntie.
And I can't help wondering, if you're so keen on kids, how come you didn't have any of your own? Oh, my God.
Did you just do that? Disrespect my choices? Childlessness-shame me? Not that I'm arsed.
My decision to devote myself to my career is one which I have totes not regretted for a single second.
Although .
.
now I'm with Wesley, I might just have a rethink.
ON PHONE: Hi, it's Dante, leave a message.
OK, so I'm going through my bank statements, and they tell me I'm fulfilling my part of the deal.
Then I'm going through my missed calls, and they tell me you're not.
So, to be clear, this regular support was for you to lie low and keep your distance, not disappear and ignore my calls.
I need to know I can rely on you, pal, that .
.
you'll support me by keeping shtoom.
Do I have your word on that? Because I don't want to have to "delete standing order", do I? How can you not know where he is? He's gone to ground.
Which he does when he's in trouble.
Which you'd know if you'd been around for longer than the last two years.
What sort of trouble? Debts.
- Help him out.
- I do.
By not bailing him out.
It's an addiction.
You don't feed it, you starve it.
- Shall I talk to him? - Why? I'm his dad.
Oh! You remembered! I did what I could.
I gave you a tidy pay-out.
Which you used to set up a multi-million-pound business.
- So in the end - It all worked out for the best.
Hasn't it? You know, sometimes I think I should've just looked the other way.
When? Two years ago, when I ran into you at the network event.
- I never said you should tell him about me.
- I know.
I just thought that What? What harm could it do? If he gets in touch, tell him to call me.
Apprentice? That's all I am? Obviously not.
But why do they need to know any more? Well, for one, your mum keeps grabbing my ass and I think she should know it's off the market.
And, two, we've been saying for six months we'll tell people.
Yeah, during which time, World War III kicked off.
And it would look tacky to be making smiley faces while everyone else were falling apart.
Well, tomorrow we tell 'em.
Or you can start looking for a new apprentice.
So, I take it it's a no from the kids, to the wedding? Well, what did you expect? It's more what I hoped.
That's sweet, coming from you! The poster boy for Family Values.
Plus, I didn't see anyone trying to persuade them to come to mine.
Maybe not, but someone did.
Who? Wesley.
- I can't believe Dad sent you.
- He didn't.
- You of all people? - Me of all people? So, just to be clear, I am the bad guy here, not your dad.
- Dad's a sad old fuck.
- A walking cliche.
Who had an affair.
- But you set him up.
- Me? No career, no conversation, stay-at-home-mum, boring housewife.
- What? - What happened to ambition? What happened to to doing something with your life? I stayed at home for you guys.
- Did we ask you to? - To be fair, I liked her at home.
Half me mates never saw the 'rents.
They were always busy off out at work.
Least they had a life! Least they had stuff to talk about! What did Dad come home to? "Tyler got a gold star", "Lexie got detention".
That's not the point.
- That is SO the point.
- No! The point is, Dad was a knob for cheating in the first place, but Mum was an even bigger knob for not seeing it for what it really was, a mid-life jiggy with a 20-something Barbie.
She could've hung in there, she could've waited for him to come to his senses.
- Instead of which - She took a bite of her sister's pancake.
Classy! I get it.
I blew it! Whatever decisions I made were the wrong ones.
Hello! Self-pity city.
And you've made your feelings perfectly clear.
You boycotted me wedding What else would we do? Oh, wait respect your wishes? Celebrate your choices? Er, maybe? And afford your dad the same courtesy on the basis that he's fallible, like the rest of us and he doesn't need to be punished for the rest of his life.
Go to his wedding.
Not for my sake .
.
for his.
He shafted you, big-style, and you're still doing his dirty work.
Show some dignity, Ma.
SHE SIGHS And when you smile The whole world stops and stares for a while Cos, girl, you're amazing! Eat your heart out, Ding-A-Ling.
They despise me.
They're young, Bel.
And they don't get how it works.
How does it work? I'm not sure I get it either.
KNOCK AT DOOR I don't know what to say.
Leanne, I know she's desperate for attention, and and maybe that's my fault.
I let her down.
I wasn't there.
But Wes? How could he do that to you? Practice.
How long have you known? Months.
Why didn't you tell me? SHE SIGHS At first, I thought it was a mistake.
And then I thought it would soon be over.
And then I met her.
How? I booked a sesh.
Wanted to see what she was like, what she had that I didn't.
In the end, he left her, so she didn't have anything.
And neither did I.
You have me.
I know what you said last night.
You still love him.
I totally get that, I totally respect you don't love me.
It's not that I don't love you.
It's that I thought I loved him more.
I understand.
But then I think .
.
does he deserve it? I mean, he's screwed up several times with several women.
Once, I could forgive, but more than once? I mean, that's just taking the piss.
Especially with your own sister.
I don't know who he is any more.
But you know who I am.
And how I feel.
And that will never change.
Does it ever seem like we all went slightly doolally, and by the time we all got sane again, everything had moved on, and we were all running to catch up? Well .
.
it doesn't seem like that to me.
Well, it seems that, before you, nothing made sense.
And now it does.
- You ever hear from Miss PT? - Long gone.
- Any regrets? - Starting it in the first place? - Ending it.
- Yeah, sometimes.
She was a nice girl, we had good times, but .
.
when I look back, what was it? A few weeks of madness which cost me a marriage.
- And a friendship.
- Hmm.
You were my best mate, I trusted you with my life, and you go and sleep with my wife? You slept with mine.
Afterwards.
No! I think it was pretty much simultaneous.
Look, is there any point to this? Nobody comes out smelling of Brut.
Least of all the guy who had the affair in the first place.
- Egged on by you.
- Yeah, I admit it! I thought you could have your cake, but that's not what happened.
People got hurt, people felt betrayed, and people needed a shoulder to cry on.
And yours just so happened to be in pole position.
Mate, it's done.
I'm gutted Leanne didn't feel she could turn to me.
I'm grateful you were there when she needed someone.
You know, no-one meant for this to happen, but it did, and we can either spit the dummy or be grown-up.
Leanne wants a divorce.
You're kidding me? And I owe it to her not to make a fuss.
I humbly suggest you owe Bel the same.
You mean, none of us should try and save our marriages? It's gone way beyond that, pal.
You of all people should know when to call time.
Hey .
.
I really wish you well, mate.
And I hope the day will come when we can all sit round a table together with no hard feelings.
How's that ever going to happen? - This wedding - Mm-hm? .
.
whose idea were it? Mine.
- Surprised? - Yeah! You always said she was a bit of a craze-ball.
She was.
But when Bel and Teddy shafted us, something happened, we just we kind of latched on to each other, joined ranks.
In a crisis, you start seeing people in a different light.
So, yeah, she's loud, she's not subtle, but there's no side to her.
You know, I thought I knew Bel like the back of me hand, but But you've hardly spoke to Bel in six month.
Maybe there's another side to the story.
To be honest, I've moved on.
Everyone's moved on.
If it dun't work out with Leanne, so be it.
Well, can't be any worse than my marriage to Bel.
We had a lot going for us and that still turned to shit.
Yeah, but to not even try? I'm a joiner, Tine.
Joiners get called out to mend broken things.
I've done my time fixing stuff.
And now I want something brand-new.
Ugh, seriously, dude.
When I think about what they've done, what spectacular off-the-scale, batshit-crazy fuckwits they are They're ancient, senile, brain cells bollocksed.
That's never happening to me.
I will never be those eejits.
You say that, but in the end, what's it all come down to? - Discernment.
- Discernment? And I don't have a lot of faith in mine.
Why? That guy I was seeing, I thought I knew him, and he showed himself to be the most humungous weirdo prick.
How? He had these Star Wars figures.
Why's that weird? You had Gimli and Legolas! He used them to show me how he pimped his best friend.
To who? Some guy, some married guy, so that this guy would cheat on his wife.
But then Dante's dad would swoop in and waltz off .
.
with the wife.
Sounds like Mum, Dad and Teddy! Yeah Who was this guy? The dad who ran away with the wife? Never found out.
Not seen Dante for months.
Why do you think he told you? Said he wanted to stop having secrets.
Yeah, but why you? Why that story? OK, Mrs Roxton .
.
shall we do this? Who's Padme? You'd better come in.
Every bride wants their wedding day to be perfect.
But how can you guarantee you'll be looking your bride-body-best on your big day? Easy-peasy! Book the Leanne Roxton Beauty Bus.
Today, I'm going to show you how to be bride-body-ready so you can outshine your bridesmaids, upstage your mother-in-law, out-do your best friend, and wipe the floor with the bitch who stole your husband, who you now wouldn't have back if he paid you.
He did pay you.
Mm! A small fortune! So cheers, twat face, this wedding's on you! So, let me talk you through exactly what we're going to do to turn snore-bore bride into bootylicious babe bride.
He zubed everyone? Mum, Dad, your mate? And you went along with it because? He's me dad.
Now, looking at me, you wouldn't believe I fall into the category of "older bride".
And although we can't work miracles, we can definitely give hope to the older woman who fears her days of looking hot are behind her.
What's this all in aid of? Hello? Website? Business Plan? I'm positioning myself as the go-to girl for wedding, prom and pamper packages.
- That's a really good idea.
- Yeah! I actually have ideas, you know? Contrary to what Teddy and Bel would have you believe.
- We have to tell Mum.
- And Dad.
If I ask you to do something, will you trust me that it's completely and utterly for the right reasons? OK.
- You need to be somewhere.
- Where? - Knowlemeade Hall.
- Why? Because.
OK? Will you let me know when Ding Dong gets here? I thought she looked well chunk yesterday.
She's deffo up a dress size.
It's probably all that pasta she ate on honeymoon! 'Course, she dun't have to try any more now she's got him.
Wonder if he knows what a blob he's let himself in for? Wesley's well shot.
No, it goes there.
- What's Dayna Gifford doing here? - She's a client.
- Yeah, Bel's client.
- Not for much longer.
Leon's here! Can I go see him? Absolutely not.
And don't call him Leon! Footballers are very dodgy characters and we don't want anything to do with them.
Unless, of course, I'm going to ask them to be brand ambassador to my business? - Mum's not picking up.
- Dad's not picking up.
Mum Dad, don't get married.
Just wait until we get there.
- Just don't let Dad get married.
- Just don't get married.
You have to stop the wedding.
Here I am Prayin' for this moment to last Livin' on the music so fine Go out! Borne on the wind Makin' it mine! I thought you were giving the bride away.
Your sister's decided the wheels'd lower the tone so she's giving herself away.
HE CLEARS HIS THROA CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS Are you going opened or closed? CHATTER It's just Leanne's day.
Apparently we've got reserved seats.
- It's a special request.
- Yeah MUSIC: Prince of Denmark's March by Jeremiah Clarke We are here today to celebrate the union of Wesley James Finch and Leanne Ivy Patricia Regan.
Today, they will proclaim their love for one another and we will celebrate with them.
So let me begin by asking, if any person present knows of any lawful impediment to this marriage, let them now declare it.
DOOR OPENS Sod this! CAR HORNS BLARE Before you are joined together in marriage, it is my duty to remind you of the solemn and binding nature of the vows you're about to make.
Marriage is the union of two people, entered into voluntarily for life - PHONE VIBRATES - .
.
to the exclusion of all others.
I'm now going to ask you each in turn to declare that you know of no legal reason why you may not be joined together in marriage.
Wesley James, do you take Leanne Ivy Patricia to be your lawful wedded wife, and to be loving, faithful and loyal to her for the rest of your life together? I do.
Leanne Ivy Patricia, do you take Wesley James to be your lawful wedded husband, to be loving, faithful and loyal to him for the rest of your life together? I do.
Sit down.
- How long before you? - Three weeks.
- Does he know? - No-one knows.
Why are you here? My friend said I should come.
He said there was something I needed to know.
I call upon these persons here present.
To witness that I, Wesley James.
To witness that I, Wesley James.
Take you, Leanne Ivy Patricia.
Take you, Leanne Ivy Patricia.
To be my lawful wedded wife.
- Dad, don't do it! - It's a trap! You've been shafted.
You vicious little madam.
Guys, please don't do this.
Not now.
Dad, you have to listen.
Get them out of here! We need to tell you something.
Don't think I don't know who's put you up to this! The cow! The desperate little tramp! Where is she? - Let's not do this now, Leanne! - Where is she?! - Dad, please.
- You have to listen.
Guys, enough! Please.
Will you get them out of here? I thought you two were getting back together.
I thought so too.
Why didn't that happen? Because my sister swooped in and grabbed him.
But aren't you gutted? I'm married to her ex.
Oh, my God.
Don't you get it? If I'd known - What? - .
.
that Wes would be free Why didn't someone tell me? If you didn't want him, I could've had him.
We could've been together.
We could've been a family.
She put those brats up to it.
- Well, it won't work.
- I doubt that very much.
No way is she wrecking my big day.
I call upon these persons here present to witness Mum's not here.
Where the hell is she? .
.
take you, Wesley James, to be my lawful wedded husband.
To love and to cherish from this day forward in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live.
Carry on! Don't tell Wes.
Promise me you won't tell him.
I don't want him to know.
Don't you think he'd want to know? What possible good would it do now? - Oh, Christ! - Is that? Dad's? Are you Lexie? Er, yeah.
This is Tyler.
It's good to finally meet you.
- Mum, we need to tell you something.
- What? - We're so sorry.
- We don't blame you.
- None of this is your fault.
- Or Dad's.
- What do you mean? - Or yours.
What are they talking about? - You were set up.
All of you.
- Totally shafted.
By who? Teddy.
I'm so sorry.
The last thing we want is to hurt you.
- Or you.
- But when we found out How did you? - That guy I was seeing - Dante.
You were seeing Dante? He's been shafted too.
He'd no choice.
Teddy's his dad.
He can't be.
Ask him.
Oh, my Leanne.
What? She never had kids.
Shit.
Oh, God, she's going to be devastated.
I just I need to get out of here.
- I'll come with you.
- No, I'm fine.
- I'll get you a taxi.
- No, honestly, I just want to WATER DRIPS I give you this ring as a symbol of our love.
I give you this ring as a symbol of our love.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What do I do? What do I do?! This isn't happening.
Lex, call an ambulance.
Tyler, make sure no-one comes in.
She needs to stay calm.
Lorelei, look at me, look at me, sweetheart.
Tell me what's happening.
Are you contracting? I can't be contracting! I'm not due for three weeks.
- SHE YELPS - You're contracting.
Hello? Yeah, I need an ambulance.
Let's get you on your hands and knees, OK? Look at me, look at me.
Lorelei, this baby is on its way now.
- Oh, dear God! - But there's nothing to panic about.
There is.
There is! Yeah, we think it's coming now.
I don't know, I'll ask.
Do we need talking through it? No, we don't need talking through it.
We know exactly what we're doing.
- Do we? - Exactly what we're doing.
I promise to love you.
To be faithful and loyal in good times and bad.
And may this ring remind you of all the words we've spoken today.
And may this ring remind you Shouldn't we get someone? An ambulance will be here any minute.
We don't need anybody else.
She's doing great.
You're doing great, sweetheart.
- LORELEI CRIES OU - You are doing great.
All that I am, I give to you.
And all that I have, I share with you.
Look at me.
Breathe in and out.
LORELEI MOANS Today is a new beginning.
May you have many happy years together, and in those years, may all your hopes and dreams be fulfilled.
Does she want Dad? Do you? Do you want him? LORELEI MOANS Maybe get him just in case.
He's getting married! It's his kid! Just stay with her.
It now gives me great pleasure to tell you both that you are now legally husband and wife.
APPLAUSE Excuse me.
Sorry.
I'm looking for Lorelei.
- Dante? - Yes.
Come with me.
- It's coming! - Mum! Are you comfy like that? Dante, she needs you.
Let her lean on you, OK? LORELEI MOANS There we go.
That's it.
Keep breathing.
It's OK.
- Almost there.
- It's OK.
Almost there.
You're doing great.
That's it.
BABY CRIES Well, hello, baby girl.
Aren't you the image of someone we know and love? We did it.
We did it.
- We did it.
- We did it.
CHEERING SIREN WAILS Can we make sure that ambulance doesn't get in any shots? I don't want it ruining the photos.
Hey.
You're amazing.
No, you're amazing.
I can go with you.
No.
We'll be fine.
You have stuff to sort here.
And I will.
Leave it with me.
Hey, come here.
Where is she? How dare she not be here? She's done this on purpose! Did you see where she went? Was she with Lex and Ty? No idea.
Excuse me! This is my day, these are my photos.
Anyone not here inside two minutes will be out of the picture.
Excuse me, if this is a family group, aren't we missing some? Yeah, Bel and the kids.
That's their problem.
I was referring to my other son-in-law, unless I'm very much mistaken.
Do the honours, Tina.
- Just smile.
- Really? - Did you know about that? - No.
Welcome to the circus, pal.
Thank you, sir.
I think I'm well prepared.
I seriously doubt that.
Right, anyone else? Unbelievable, this cannot be happening.
I can't believe you'd do this, upstage my big day! How could you? - Now do you see why I wanted to keep us quiet? - Yep.
Three, two, one CAMERA CLICKS She won't be long.
Just had to nip home and change.
What are you doing here? I want you to know that I'm really glad we got to know each other, and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out how you wanted.
What are you on about? And despite everything, I really don't think you're a bad person.
Why are you here? It's not what we agreed.
- You're supposed to be - Your little secret? I know.
But I've helped you shit on too many people and I don't want to do that any more.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- What's going on? Not your business.
Do you know this person? Oh, he knows me.
Well? Intimately.
- You're gay.
- Yeah.
- You're his twink? - No.
I'm his son.
I don't think so! Teddy didn't want kids.
Neither did I.
Our careers came first.
That's lucky, since the first thing he did after I came on the scene was get the snip.
The what? You little prick.
He did what? You absolute arsehole.
Lads! Lads! Lads! Hey, what are you doing? Steady on.
You OK? Come on.
You had the snip? SHE SOBS Good thing you never wanted kids.
Why would I not want kids? Bel has kids.
You have kids.
Kid.
Of course I wanted kids.
Oh, hello, it's good of you to grace us.
Happy, are we? Won, have we? Is it a competition? Ask Teddy.
Yeah, Bel, could I have a word? - A private word.
- Yes, you can.
But first I want a private word with Wes.
No! No, absolutely not! Would you mind? You will not do this! You will not go with her.
My best mate, our oldest friend, how did he manage? How could we ever be so? Dumb? Dense? Blind? I trusted him.
We trusted him.
I married him! And I just married Leanne.
Oh, Christ, what have we done? - I'll leave her.
- No.
How can I stay with her? She's not done anything wrong.
This is not her fault.
What do I do? What do we do? Wait.
- For what? - Her to get fed up.
Which she will, because once she thinks that she's "won" and I've "lost", then she'll realise that she's actually got nothing in common with you.
She's way better suited to Teddy.
Yeah, but what about you? You can't stay with him.
Right now, he's the least of my concerns.
Jesus, Bel.
- What? - What the hell were we thinking? Er, did you forget something? Like, hello! My husband's tonsils you've got your teeth wrapped round.
Leanne, seriously? He married you.
I'm his sister-in-law.
Can we please just move on? GLASS CHIMES What happened there? Oh, well, I'm sure you deserved it.
Bel, can I just? Not now, if you don't mind, I want to hear the speeches.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE GLASS CHIMES Right, we don't need any of this "father-of-the-bride" bollocks.
Bloody hell.
I would like to say something about the institution of marriage.
To which you might say, "Who's she to talk?" Too true.
Me and your dad have shagged around since day one, and that is not about to change.
So why bother with the formalities of marriage? Because we're not perfect.
We screw up, we screw around, but at the end of the day, we come home.
That's what counts.
Thank you, Mum.
I think we all get the gist.
And I'm here to tell you that when it comes to happily ever after, that me and Wes have got it covered.
And it should be said that through no fault of my own, I've not been able to bless this world with offspring.
But Wesley and I are still young, and unlike some people .
.
I intend to prove that two things in particular are not mutually exclusive .
.
career and motherhood.
And now, here's Disney with another show-stopping performance.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE When your legs don't work like they used to before And I can't sweep you off of your feet PHONE BUZZES Hey.
Look, I don't know exactly what's been said .
.
but contrary to what you might think, this has only ever been about one thing.
- You love me.
- I love you.
I've always loved you.
And if I've done things that might not have seemed ideal, please understand I had no choice.
In a toss-up between you and everything else, it's you first and the rest nowhere.
And given that, what was I supposed to do? Give me a chance to make it up to you.
To Wes, to everyone.
I need to go.
- I need to go.
- But you'll come back? Promise you'll come back.
I just want to tell you I am So, honey, now And now it's time to let it through Cos, baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go oh, oh, oh As you shoot across the sky-y-y Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colours burst Make 'em go oh, oh, oh You're gonna leave 'em falling down, down, down Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon Boom, boom, boom Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon.
CHEERING I could kill him.
There's a queue.
Come on.
We don't need calligraphy to write a fancy story Kings and queens return to thieves to find what we've been holding You and me We can take the world There's no way you can stick with him.
I stuck with you, didn't I? Far longer than I deserved.
Bel .
.
I never said sorry.
For throwing away the most perfect I was never perfect.
For me, you were.
I was just too dumb to see it.
And now? Second family? More kids? No way.
Done that, earned my right to a peaceful old age.
Oh, I don't know.
Imagine doing it all again, knowing what you know, having learnt from your mistakes.
Couldn't you make a better job of it this time round? I could.
Leanne might surprise you.
I doubt it.
And Lorelei.
How do you think she'd be as a mum? Pretty good, probably.
Why do you ask? Because I think we're about to find out.
Her name's Isabella.
She's three hours old.
Looks like you're going to have to postpone that peaceful old age! But what? How? That's not Is it? How do? - I don't understand.
- You don't need to.
You just need to know that she's welcome, they both are, and we're going to take care of them because they're family.
How the hell are? How are we going to make this work? I've no idea.
Let's find out.
Oh, like we can take the world Ain't it just like love to find us? Ain't it just like love? Ain't it just like love to find us? Oh, ain't it just like love? Cos they can write stories They can sing songs They don't make fairy tales sweeter than ours Oh, they can climb mountains high into the sky But they can't take the world Oh, no, no Like we can take the world The world La da da, la da da Da da da da da da.