Agent Elvis (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[rock music playing]
Oh fuck. Can you believe this shit?
Those rear echelon fuckers screwed up
and only gave me one sock.
[laughs] Screwed up?
Hey, the big green machine
does not make mistakes, Drew.
[laughs]
Oh yeah? Well, then, what am I
supposed to do with one sock?
Hey, let me borrow that picture
of your sister and I'll show you.
Fuck you.
[rock music playing]
[high-pitched drone]
[gasps]
[both scream]
[snarling and growling]
- [soldier screams]
- [gunshots]
[reporter] The USO show.
What can you tell us about it?
It's an honor to play for our boys.
Mm-hmm. Well, what do you think
about the war they're fighting?
Well, I'd just as soon keep
my personal views about that to myself.
I'm just an entertainer,
so I'd rather not say.
Walk with me.
- Why didn't you just answer the question?
- About the war?
Couple reasons.
Most of them being it's nobody's business.
Come on. Look, you're a big deal.
People want to know what you think.
And I've never understood why.
[The Commander]
I can help you craft your message.
- How's that sound?
- Like we're talking in circles here.
Just think about it.
Done.
Ah, turns out I still don't want to.
But if anybody
wants to talk about the show
Ooh, ooh, yeah. Speaking of.
How insanely great are they?
[Elvis] Who? The strippers?
[The Commander]
Uh, they're called dancers.
For the show.
I designed the outfits myself.
You really think it's a good idea to put
those ladies in front of a crowd of GIs
who've been living in the jungle,
with each other only, for a year?
It's called showmanship.
No, it's actually called
a rhetorical question.
Hello, hello. Am I interrupting?
What the hell's Robert Goulet doing here?
Oh, he didn't tell you?
Why, I'm part of this USO show.
Some might say the best part.
Haven't the boys over here
been through enough already?
I think a Tony Award-winning Broadway
star is just what the doctor ordered.
That depends on the doctor, I guess.
You know, I've got this kid
who mows my lawn, weapons-grade moron,
been stuck in the sixth grade for years,
big fan of yours.
He had one of your "rock and roll jingles"
playing on the radio the other day.
Catchy, in places.
Happen to remember
which one of my 18 number-one hits it was?
Hard to tell.
Something about dogs or jail or something.
It was all very confusing.
- Thanks.
- [Robert] Ah, you're welcome.
No. For reminding me why something
about you always kinda pisses me off.
Well, jealousy manifests itself
in mysterious ways, doesn't it?
Oh, and before I forget,
welcome to TCB.
So glad to have you on board.
Wait, really?
Oh God, no. They just told me to say that.
[laughs]
I don't give a shit.
Fucking Goulet?
What kind of half-assed operation
are you running here?
Oh we're half-assed now?
That's an improvement.
Love the strippers, by the way.
They're not strippers. Fuck.
Right. Sorry. "Med students."
[ominous music playing]
[feedback squeals]
[The Commander] The Ia Drang Valley.
Last week, several GIs were wounded there
in an unusual friendly fire incident.
Highly unusual.
Oh, what did I tell you
about interrupting my briefings?
Uh
Ah.
Don't. Ever.
What else?
Unless I don't like
my left testicle very much. Sir.
That seems pretty self-explanatory.
Also pretty specific.
Okay, where was I? Right. Friendly fire.
That incident,
along with signal intercepts,
leads us to believe the weapon
you two saw at Altamont may be here now.
What exactly are we dealing with here?
A sonic weapon that turns people
- primal.
- Primal?
Well, if you're susceptible, yes.
But the good news is,
it doesn't work on everybody.
It's 50% effective.
Works on only about half the people,
give or take.
Thus the math.
You seem to know
an awful lot about this thing.
Well, we experimented
with this technology years ago.
Manipulating sound waves
to bypass the conscious mind
and control the subconscious mind.
Wait, are you talking about mind control?
Yeah, great fucking idea.
That's what I said!
Uh, but we had some problems,
had to shut the program down.
And now someone stole your little toy
and turned it into a weapon?
Exactly. And you two
are going to get it back.
You'll take a boat upriver and meet
a TCB contact who will take you in.
Who's the contact?
It's sort of a surprise.
Doyle, who clearly doesn't like having
a left ball, by the way, is correct.
You'll find out when you get there.
Well, just so long
as I'm back in time for the Jaycees.
[CeCe] What the hell's a Jaycee?
Junior Chamber of Commerce. The Jaycees.
They're giving me
their Man of the Year award for,
well, you know, obvious reasons.
We'll do our best to get you there.
Good, because not getting there
is not an option, ace.
That is weird. [laughs]
That sounded a lot like
you telling me what to do.
Glad we're on the same page then.
[chuckles]
Let's be clear.
I give the orders around here.
You work for me, King.
Oh, I think you're confusing me
with that guy over there
whose balls you like to talk about.
The ball thing
did fly off the rails a little bit.
[mellow guitar music playing]
[Scatter gibbering]
[Bobby Ray] Hell yeah!
[Bobby Ray laughs]
Jesus! Hey, ever heard of this new thing
called not trying to fucking kill us?
Relax.
Let Bobby Ray have his fun.
He's not gonna get anybody killed.
Oh that's right. We'll already be dead,
thanks to that shit show.
[snarling]
- [phone ringing]
- Uh, better half is calling.
[clears throat]
Hey there, honey. What you up to?
Not much.
Just cooking a little dinner for one.
Yeah, sorry.
I know I've been gone a lot lately.
Promise to find time for just you and me.
I'm going to hold you to that.
Please do.
[screeches]
[lows]
Goddamn it, Scatter!
Put that poor thing out of its misery.
- Just try to have a good time.
- Will do, honey.
[sighs]
Not off to a strong start though.
[The Commander] Heads up.
[horn blares]
[sighs]
Thank you for that.
Ah, let's be honest, Doyle.
Given your job
and proximity to yours truly,
the chances of you dying a horrible death
are pretty much through the roof.
But not today, buddy. Not on the agenda.
Okay, um, speaking of my job,
have you perhaps given
any more thought to what I
- We've been over this, Doyle.
- Indeed, sir. But I
I know you want to be a field agent,
but I need your clinically obsessive
organizational skills
right where they are.
Thank you, sir,
but being an agent is a dream of mine.
[laughs]
Then keep dreaming. Have fun with that.
Because in real life,
you're not what any rational human being
would call field agent material.
- I'm sorry, buddy.
- Sir, if I may
And not just because you have
the muscle mass of a small child.
It's because you lack awareness, Doyle.
A field agent has to be
ready for anything.
If a flying saucer lands
and a space dragon charges out
to beat you to death
with a fucking strap-on,
you have to be the guy
who saw that coming.
Honestly, sir?
I think I might surprise you.
- [horn blares]
- [grunts]
Hmm.
Then again, you might not.
Any idea who this contact is
we're meeting?
Nope. Just hope to hell
they know what they're doing.
It'll be fine.
Oh, you think so?
Because you see this green shit
all around us? It's a fucking death trap.
Take it easy, CeCe with an E.
It's just the jungle. Been around forever.
Mm, so has typhus,
which I bet, like,
half the mosquitoes here have, by the way.
Hey, you do realize there's
a decent chance that's motor oil, right?
[laughs]
Well, he can have it,
because this baby's purring like a kitten.
Hell, if I'd known the Army
was handing out hot shit like this,
I probably wouldn't have dodged the draft.
Excuse me?
[Bobby Ray]
Was that a hell of a cannonball?
[Elvis] You dodged the draft?
Well, now, look here.
I had three cousins who got drafted,
and only two and a half of them came back.
Sorry to hear that.
Look, they didn't really want me anyway
after I checked the box for gonorrhea.
You faked having gonorrhea?
No. I paid hookers to have sex with me
until I got gonorrhea.
Actually took longer than you'd think.
I'm disappointed in you, buddy.
[CeCe] Come on. Can you blame the guy?
This war is a horrible idea.
Since when's trying to spread freedom
around the world a horrible idea?
Uh, since the war stopped
being about that years ago.
Now it's just shitty politicians shipping,
if cannonball guy back there
is any indication,
pretty hot guys
off to a fucking meat grinder.
Well, maybe you should
jump on the next plane home
and get a fucking job
getting high on burning American flags.
[gibbering]
[Elvis] No, goddamn it,
that's not a real job.
[The Commander]
Tell me what you see.
[Doyle, laughs] Well, at first glance,
alarmingly little
in the low-carb department.
Not the menu, you dumbass.
Awareness. Remember?
What do you see around you?
Oh yeah. Right.
Well, we've got
some Army guys drinking at the
- [The Commander] Those are Marines.
- Hard to tell the difference.
- Better not say that to them.
- Got it.
Give me that, moron.
Ah. No notes. Makes sense.
Now, one of those Marines
isn't just a Marine.
Right.
Wait, what now?
One of them is our secret contact.
Nice! Which one?
Hey, you're the one
that wants to be an agent.
You tell me.
- [Doyle] The big one with the mustache?
- [The Commander] Bingo.
Holy shit, I did it!
Wait.
Why am I breathing so hard
all of a sudden?
- Is that normal?
- Uh, not remotely.
You should probably
see somebody about that.
[Bobby Ray] Well, holy shit.
Looks like the man upstairs finally
changed his mind about old Bobby Ray.
Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
- What?
- Our TCB contact.
[Elvis] Who, her?
Yeah, her. This is why the Commander
didn't tell us who our contact was.
- There a problem?
- Several.
Starting with the fact that she's my mom.
[chuckles]
Wait, seriously?
Yeah, the rest kind of flows from there.
One big river of Freudian shit.
Oh CeCe.
Mom.
You look great.
Huh. Rare dose of positive reinforcement.
The bangs
are an interesting choice, though.
And we're back.
How long's it been? A year?
Try four.
Well, now you're just being ridiculous.
[laughs]
So, are you going to introduce me
to Mr. Tall, Dark, and Insanely Sexy?
[gagging] Oh God.
- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Just throwing up in my mouth a bunch.
Hi, I'm Elvis.
Agent Roxanne Ryder.
Otherwise known as CeCe's mom.
I'll be taking you guys in country.
Well, CeCe's mom,
I would have guessed younger sister,
but I'll take your word for it.
Oh, so piercing blue eyes and charming?
Well, that's a cocktail
I'd chug in the shower.
Can you not, for once?
You know, I actually put my name in
to be your partner, instead of CeCe.
- I'm flattered.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Because that's what moms do
when they're overly competitive
- with the daughter they never wanted.
- Ignore her.
And there's my childhood
in a two-word nutshell.
[The Commander] Now, listen carefully.
I want you to quietly
slip this to our contact.
This is your chance
to show me some tradecraft.
I will not let you down, sir.
Well, first time for everything.
I'm on it.
Something I can help you with?
What the hell?
You having a seizure or something?
Just read the note.
"Dear asshole, is it true 'semper fi'
means 'douchebag' in Latin?"
Huh.
Wait, what?
[man grunts]
[grunting and shouting]
[bottle shatters]
[police siren wailing]
[screams]
Dynamite work, Doyle.
On your feet, soldier.
[Doyle whimpers]
So I take it TCB's
sort of the family business?
Oh, we are definitely not a family.
Well, not in the traditional way.
Or any healthy way.
But yes, I joined TCB right out of college
and had CeCe a few years later.
[CeCe] But only after
rampant anonymous sex.
[Roxanne] It wasn't anonymous.
Well, it is when you have
no idea who my dad is.
Well, that doesn't mean
he didn't have a name, pookie bear.
[chuckles]
"Pookie bear"?
Little nickname I called her
when she was growing up.
No, no. No, you didn't.
You never called me any cute nicknames.
Stop pretending to be normal.
- You were too young to remember.
- Oh, you know what? You're right.
I do remember being called
a "pull-out method cautionary tale."
Hey, I apologized for that
when we had dinner with what's-his-face.
- Craig.
- Who's Craig?
An old boyfriend.
I brought him to dinner one time.
Oh, and I remember
Mom brought her always-fun date,
raging alcoholism.
- Shh. Quiet.
- You quiet.
[Roxanne] The broadcast location's
on the other side of that clearing.
Oh great. Thank you. You can go now.
Look, I get it. You don't want me around.
[mockingly] "I was a crappy mom."
[in normal voice]
You want me to slit my wrists?
No.
But a tiny version of that
might be nice though.
- Everybody stay low.
- Take your time.
Just enjoying the view.
Will you stop it?
What? The man's got
an ass like a French teenager.
Well, I hate to put a crimp
in your plans, ma'am, but I'm married.
Yeah, okay. Trust me,
to her, that doesn't mean Shit.
Uh
You may want to hit the deck there,
pookie bear.
[gunfire and artillery explosions]
- I'm not sure I'm cut out for this.
- Are you kidding me?
- You're doing great.
- Seriously?
God, no! What are you, a fucking moron?
Sorry.
Hey, look at me.
First rule of being a field agent?
Never apologize.
Right.
Second rule See that guy
in the white suit across the street?
Yeah, him.
I'm going to need you to kill him.
Like, right now.
What? Now?
Well, maybe put some clothes on first.
[laughs]
I wouldn't, but, you know,
most people would.
[gunfire]
[bombs whistle and explode]
Please tell me Bobby Ray hears this and
is calling in some fucking air support.
- Mm.
- Mm.
- [distant gunfire]
- Mm!
Know what?
I can barely even taste the napalm.
[gunfire continuous]
[grunting and panting]
[sighs]
Okay, whoever said it sucks here
may have a point.
[ominous music playing]
Who in the hell are those guys?
[Roxanne] Don't know, but they are
definitely not from around here.
You two sit tight. Be right back.
- Cover me.
- On it.
[suspenseful music playing]
[gunshot]
So, whatever happened
to that boyfriend from dinner? Craig?
You had sex with him in the bathroom.
- [Elvis grunts]
- [punch lands]
Now that's what we in the business
like to call "done and done."
Which business?
It's a fucking cool line.
Don't overthink it.
Well, this calls for a celebration.
Who's up for a few drinks?
And maybe a few bad decisions.
Jesus, Mom, you're getting
desperation all over his shirt.
- [powering up]
- What the
Cover your ears!
[high-pitch drone]
[groaning]
[shrieks]
[gasps]
Jesus Christ. You see that?
Turns 'em primal.
We need to go after her.
Eh, do we though?
Oh damn it.
Vietcong tunnel network.
Stay close.
[buzzing]
[Roxanne grunting and panting]
[roars]
Yup. See? Told you she sucks.
She's been infected by that device.
Yeah, but she still sucks though,
is the takeaway here.
[yells]
Okay, Captain Nice Guy. I got this.
- [rumbling]
- [dirt sifting]
What
What the hell happened?
- [click]
- [rapid beeping]
Don't move.
- He's right.
- [explosive rumbles]
At least not till we're gone. Shall we?
Hang on, what?
Wait, we're not leaving your mother here.
She's standing on a land mine.
Listen to your sexy friend on this.
Oh, you know,
the mission comes first, Mom.
- You taught me that.
- I did?
Of course not! You didn't teach me shit.
Just how to chain-smoke Pall Malls
and make vodka in the toilet.
Jesus.
But you can't leave me here, CeCe.
Yeah? Give me one good reason why.
Because then you'll never know
who your father is.
- [explosion rumbles]
- Wait, you know?
Yeah.
Well, why the fuck didn't you tell me?
I don't know, what do you want me to say?
I don't know anything
about being a good mom?
No shit. Look at me.
I try to beat my own daughter
at everything she does
for, like, basically no reason.
Could it be it's because
I'm a walking reminder
of your fading beauty
and inevitable death?
I'm already standing
on a land mine, all right?
So I don't really need a slap in the face
while I'm at it.
[groans softly]
[CeCe] Careful.
[sighs]
Thanks for that.
Ew. Don't thank me.
Just tell me who my dad is.
Oh, that. Oh yeah. No, I have no idea.
You fucking lied to me.
Pretty much been lying to you
since you were in diapers. So
[laughs]
Feels kind of weird to stop now.
- [explosion]
- [dirt sifts]
[birds squawking]
Sir, I don't think I can do this.
That man over there
is a spy in the US Embassy.
- And now it's your job to take him out.
- How?
With the fucking weapon I gave you.
Weapon?
This? This is a salad fork.
A really, really shitty one!
Look at me. Look at me.
I want you to think back to all the people
in your life who called you worthless.
- A pathetic loser.
- Not sure this is helping.
A sexless, one-nut nerd
destined for rock-fucking-bottom.
Then you harness that anger,
and you show them how wrong they were.
[inhales and exhales heavily]
[high-pitched shriek]
[coughs and groans]
[Doyle] Safe word.
[Doyle groaning]
[ominous music playing]
E!
Jesus, boss. You okay?
Officially been better, buddy.
A hunk of burning love ♪
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
Ah ♪
A hunk, a hunk of burning love ♪
Ah ♪
Just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
[The Commander]
Oh, it's the scoop of the century.
The report's got
a stupid long name though.
Just call it, uh,
the Pentagon Papers. Yeah.
That's got a certain flair. I like that.
- [Elvis] Love you, boys. Stay safe.
- [audience cheering]
[fanfare playing]
[cheering]
[powering up]
[high-pitched drone]
[screams]
[electricity crackles]
[snarling and roaring]
[hissing]
Oh God, you and your fucking strip show.
Sonic weapon's backstage.
Somebody take it out, now!
[gibbering]
[hoarse gasping]
It's coming closer
The flames are now licking my body ♪
[Scatter cackles]
Won't you help me
Feel like I'm slipping away ♪
[women shrieking]
My chest is a-heavin' ♪
Lord, have mercy
Burning the hole where I lay ♪
[both grunt]
Your kisses lift me higher ♪
Like the sweet song of a choir ♪
You guys, is it just me,
or is it hilarious
my mom's still down there somewhere?
Oh. Okay. Just me. Got it.
I'm just a hunk
A hunk of burning love ♪
The hell are you doing here?
Come on, you think I'd miss this
when I'm the one who made sure
you won this stupid little award?
What? What's this?
Oh, I just took the liberty of preparing
a few remarks, little punch-up for you.
Touches on the war here and there.
I told you how I feel about that.
[The Commander] I know you did.
But trust me on this.
Thought we covered this the other day.
Covered what?
That I don't take orders from you.
[applause]
[beeper buzzes]
[ominous music playing]
[Morse code beeping]
[Morse code fades to silence]