All In The Family s01e06 Episode Script

[ Announcer .]
From television city in Hollywood.
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days [ raspberries .]
What's this country coming to, anyhow ? What is it, Archie ? Bad news ? What else ? We get out of Vietnam or somethin' ? Don't be a wise guy, huh ? It's them tamale eaters out there in Los Angeles.
They're riotin' and fightin' with them poor cops again.
What do them people want, anyhow ? Well, for one thing, they don't want to be called "tamale eaters.
" Just look at that picture there.
Look at them.
Throwin' bricks and bottles.
It's like a regular "insurruption.
" They like to be called "chicanos," all right ? Aw, who cares ? What's in a name, anyhow, huh ? In my day, nobody went around callin' themselves chicanos, Mexican-Americans, afro-Americans.
We was all Americans ! After that, if a guy was a jig or a spick, it was his own business.
What do you mean, "it was his own business" ? Certainly it was his own business.
If he wanted to hang out with his own crowd-- which most of them did-- that's how you got your chinatowns, your harlems, your little Italy, all them other "grettoes.
" So it's their fault that you call 'em those names ? It ain't my fault, meathead.
What's on the idiot box ? It's only an idiot box if an idiot is watching it.
So don't peek.
[ Tv announcer .]
A boy needs your friendship-- what do you got circled here ? "Pat o'brien in the knute rockne story.
" Again ? Here we are ! Ah.
Hi.
About time youse come waltzin' in.
Where youse been, anyhow ? Oh, we got back in time.
He's still in one of his good moods.
No, I ain't.
I wake up here on a Saturday morning, I'm all alone.
There's no note, there's no nothin', there's nobody here.
- Mike was home.
- Like I said, there was nobody here.
On top of that, there ain't a scrap of food to eat in the house.
Oh, I made you a liverwurst and cheese with some potato salad.
It was right in the icebox.
Oh.
Was that for Archie ? You know something, Gloria ? This husband of yours, he eats like a government mule.
All right, Archie, I'll fix you something to eat.
But first Gloria has some wonderful news.
We went to the doc-- all right, Edith, not now.
The picture just started, huh ? Oh, that one you've seen a hundred times.
That's the one about the football coach, knute acne.
Rockne, Edith, rockne, and I ain't seen it a hundred times.
I seen it maybe four times.
So leave me alone.
But, Archie, Gloria has something to tell ya.
Oh.
Michael ? Yeah ? Mom and I went to the doctor this morning.
For her or for you ? For me.
Would you please close that ? I wanna talk to you.
You know I can't walk by a refrigerator without gettin' something.
I don't want you to get something now.
Give me that celery.
No, no, no.
Let's talk.
All right, what is it ? You went to the doctor, and it was for you, it wasn't for your mother, and you got a big surprise.
The biggest.
Michael I'm gonna have-- wait.
I think I know what the big surprise is.
Do you think you could hold off telling me for just a second ? But why ? I'm trying to think if it could be anything else.
Like what ? Like you found a purse in the doctor's office With $300,000 in it.
Then you gave the money back to the lady.
She was so happy, she gave you half.
Is that it ? It's not it ? Is it close ? No.
Please tell me it's close.
Oh, gee, Gloria ! Oh, what a thing ! Oh, what am I gonna do ? I-I can't take care of you ! I can't take care of a kid.
I don't have a job.
I'm in college ! I don't even have an apartment ! - Well, Michael-- - I know.
You don't have an apartment either ! Why do things get turned around like this ? [ Groaning .]
I come home to tell you I'm having a baby, and suddenly it's become a whole other event ! No, Gloria, it's-- it's not another event.
It-- it's the same event.
It's the same event.
It's a blessed event.
Here, sit down.
I'm supposed to tell you to sit down.
I saw that in the movies a hundred times.
They always tell the per-- oh, what am I doin' ? I'm making it worse.
I'm sorry, Gloria.
I made you miserable.
Oh, Michael.
Don't worry about it.
I know we can make it.
Lots of other young couples have babies while they're going to school.
There'll be plenty of time to support us later.
[ Moaning .]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh-- oh, don't mind me.
You two just go right ahead with what you were doing.
While I think of it, I wanna move some things here.
- What are you doing, mom ? - Some of these cleaning fluids are poison.
You gotta keep 'em out of a child's reach.
All right, what are youse doin' in there ? You got somethin' to tell me.
Come on, huh ? You got a station break, a public service announcement, a commercial coming up, so let's go, go, go ! Archie's ready.
We got 60 seconds.
[ Giggling .]
I can hardly wait to see his face ! I can.
Mike, Archie's gonna be as excited about it as you are.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Come on, come on, come on.
What's the news ? Well, what do you think, daddy ? What do I think ? When I see you smilin' that way with all them nice, straight white teeth, I think of $316 bucks it cost me for braces.
[ Laughing .]
When I see Edith smilin' the same way, well, I figure it's gotta be gas.
As for this guy here, I think his underwear's too tight.
Wrong on all counts ! If you're through, daddy, we wanna tell you the surprise now-- something I heard you talk about a hundred times.
You and the meathead got yourselves your own apartment.
No, daddy.
No, mom and I went to the doctor-- Archie, what if I was to tell you That I think you're going to have the little boy You always wanted ? Holy cow, Edith ! Can't you do nothin' right ? For heaven's sakes, daddy, it's not mother who's expecting, it's me ! Yeah, Gloria's gonna have a baby ! You're gonna be a grandpa ! Oh, daddy ! Oh ! [ Laughing .]
Oh, Gloria ! [ Laughs .]
Oh ! Mom ! Oh, my little girl ! [ Laughing .]
[ Laughing .]
Oh, Gloria, it's gonna be wonderful, and so convenient.
Why, we can take care of the 2:00 A.
M.
feeding.
With your room right next to ours, why, we'll be sure to hear the baby cry.
And if you're too tired, why, I can get up, huh ? You can just knock on the wall.
You're so thoughtful, mom.
And baby-sitters.
Oh, you got built-in baby-sitters, practically seven nights a week.
[ Chuckling .]
Archie never takes me anywhere anyway.
So it'll give us something to do.
Oh, we might need another refrigerator for all the extra baby things.
Oh, no.
We'll have plenty of room.
We'll just take the beer outta there.
[ Edith .]
Come on.
Come on.
I'll show ya.
Oh, it's a miracle, ain't it, Archie ? "A miracle" ! You give my daughter a baby, and you can't even support a goldfish.
Archie, my reaction was the same as yours.
It was, huh ? Well, when are you gonna help me choke you ? I-I'm tellin' you, Archie.
I'm as worried about this as you are.
That ain't good enough ! You gotta be worried more ! When I married Edith, when we had Gloria, I not only had an apartment and a job but 925 bucks in the bank ! I know, I know, but what do you want ? It's just one of those things.
"Just one of those things.
" I might have known it was gonna happen the way you carry on ! You're always pinchin' and touchin' each other like you was pickin' fruit ! Your whole generation does nothin' but think with its glands ! All right, that's it, that's it ! When I first found out about it, I was feelin' guilty.
But after listenin' to you, I'm startin' to feel damn proud ! "Proud" ? Can you put proud in the bank ? How you gonna support that baby ? I can do it.
I'm not set up to 'cause I'm in school.
I could be workin'.
Workin' ? You ? Yeah ! I'll believe that when the 59th street bridge grows leaves.
You start believin' it right now, pal, because that's it, I'm quittin' school ! Quitting school ? Michael, no ! No, no.
I'm getting a job and taking care of you myself.
I think I know where I can get an apartment.
But you can't quit school.
You've gotta get your degree.
It's important to your future.
Archie, you gotta put a stop to that right now.
I've heard this song and dance before.
If they wanna go, let 'em go.
But they can't leave.
The doctor says she ain't gonna have an easy time.
The doctor should have told that to him ! Oh, but, Archie, we gotta stick by 'em, at least until Mike graduates.
A boy today needs a degree If he's gonna get anywhere.
I never had no degree, and I always held up my end.
Well, it might have been higher with a degree.
What ? Your end.
Stop torturing me, will ya, Edith ! Oh, I-I thought I knew you, Archie bunker, but I never thought you'd act this way about your own grandchild.
Come on, Edith.
Now, don't make me out no monster, huh ? I'm tryin' to think of the way they're hurtin' themselves.
I'm tryin' to think of the financials of this thing.
Oh, you know what I think ? I think you don't want a baby around the house.
You don't like babies ! That's a lie.
When Gloria was a baby and cryin' in the middle of the night, who got up ? I did.
I mean after that.
When she was cryin' four or five times during the night.
I did.
Well, who said, "Edith, Edith, the baby's cryin'" ? That was you.
All right, that's what I'm sayin'.
I was up as often as you.
He did it ! He did it ! Michael got us an apartment ! A friend of his got transferred to Detroit, and we get the first two months' rent free ! And he's gonna get a job, and he's going to night school, and I hope I have triplets ! She means it ! Aren't you gonna do nothin' ? You can't let 'em leave here ! I ain't gonna worry about it, Edith ! 'Cause I don't believe they're goin' nowheres.
Ohh.
Ohh ! [ Knocking .]
Oh, come in, Lionel.
Morning, Mrs.
bunker.
Want some coffee ? Oh, fine.
Thanks.
What brings you here so early ? Oh, I just brought something by for Gloria.
Oh, how nice ! When mom heard Gloria was havin' a hard time, she figured this would be just the thing.
I thought I'd bring it by on my way to school.
Smells like chicken soup.
It is.
Mom's a great believer in chicken soup.
Doesn't that-- doesn't that strike you funny ? No.
Why ? She ain't Jewish.
Well, I ain't Jewish, and I'm a great believer in chicken soup.
You know, I wonder how chicken soup came to be theirs.
Beats me.
You know, my dad often wonders how pork chops got to be ours.
I'm dyin' for coffee, Edith, so get with it, huh ? Hiya, Lionel.
How ya doin' ? What are you doin' here so early ? Lionel's mother heard that Gloria wasn't feelin' too good, so she sent over some food-- a nice pot of-- don't tell me, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Pork chops.
That's right.
We was gonna bring watermelon too, but they's outta season.
Sit down, Lionel.
Hey, Lionel.
How ya doin' ? Hey, Archie, did you switch from a brush to a spray can shaving cream ? I did.
What's it to ya ? Oh, nothin'.
Except the spray can you bought looked a lot like my deodorant.
Oh, now don't tell me that you-- last week, I reached for the liquid hair net, and I sprayed my head with room deodorizer.
All day long I reminded myself of the great outdoors.
I told you before, Edith.
You gotta do somethin' about all them spray cans in that bathroom.
I know.
This sounds just like my house.
Oh, yeah ? And how do you people handle a problem like that, Lionel ? Spray cans, you know ? I mean, with eight people usin' an apartment-- families-- and 20 people sharin' a bathroom now ? Oh, well, first, it's only four families to an apartment, and only 16 people sharin' a bathroom.
And, anyway, what we do is we take all our spray cans And shove 'em onto special shelves.
So, what you could do is Shove yours.
You know, a guy could take that two ways.
Yeah, but knowin' Lionel, I think he only meant it one way.
Oh, yeah.
He's a good kid.
Archie, when are you gonna talk to Mike about stayin' ? I don't know, Edith.
Maybe today.
Oh, now, you been sayin' that all week, and three days from now they're movin' outta here.
Edith, I'll talk to him when I talk to him.
When ? Before.
Before what ? Before they leave.
But I don't want 'em to leave.
Will you stifle that ? Now leave me alone.
Talkin' about that.
Get your mind over here.
What kind of sausages you makin', anyhow ? The kind you like.
Link sausage.
With pancakes, I like Patty.
I was sure it was link.
No, Edith, Patty.
Oh, in coffee shops, maybe a thousand times, I've heard you order link.
No, Edith, always Patty.
And I was so sure it was link.
Edith, I'm gonna say Patty just one more time, and that's it ! Patty.
Now don't say link no more.
Don't even think link, huh ? Hey.
Gloria, did-- didn't the doctor say you should spend at least half the day in bed ? Oh, not today, Michael.
I feel super.
Mmm.
[ Hiccup .]
Hey.
Hey.
I think I felt it kick.
Oh, no, Michael.
It's only been six weeks.
[ Hiccup .]
Oh.
Some father.
I can't tell a hiccup from a baby kick.
[ Doorbell ringing .]
Mona ! Gloria ! How are you ? I went to see Dr.
Otto yesterday for my weekly.
He told me the news.
That's fantastic ! I know.
That's just great.
How come you're keepin' it such a secret ? Oh, congratulations, papa ! [ Chuckling .]
Oh.
Breakfast is ready.
Oh, hello, Mona.
I didn't know you were here.
Oh, good morning, Mrs.
bunker.
Will you have some hotcakes with us? Oh, no.
I had a huge breakfast this morning, and then I stopped for a sandwich and a malt on the way over.
But I'll sit with you.
Morning, Mr.
bunker.
[ Edith .]
Good.
Hiya, Mona.
I see you're still walkin' around, huh ? Oh, you're so cute, Mr.
bunker, but then you always were.
You like pancakes, huh, mone ? I've been so hungry lately.
I just don't know what's gotten into me.
[ Giggling .]
Well, we can all see what's goin' into you, mone.
Archie, this would be a good time to talk to Mike.
Not now, Edith ! Link sausage.
I love it.
Thank you.
Daddy loves it too.
Have some link sausage, daddy.
What do you mean by that ? I mean, have some link sausage.
It's always been your favorite.
You put her up to that-- about the sausage.
[ Edith .]
I didn't.
I never said that word.
I didn't even think "link.
" - Oh ! - You said it ! You said it right now ! All right, that's it ! I'm gettin' outta here ! Oh, Archie, you forgot something.
I didn't forget nothin'.
I'm gonna get my breakfast down at the diner.
You just don't wanna talk to Mike.
I can't now.
You made me leave.
Gloria, I don't know if I can do 'em on a full stomach, but I wanna show you my natural childbirth exercises.
You are going for natural childbirth, aren't you ? Gee, I don't know.
Michael and I hadn't discussed it yet.
"Natural childbirth" ? Oh.
Isn't that where you're wide awake, and you keep pushin' like to help the doctors ? That's right.
Oh, I don't know.
Gloria ain't too strong.
Oh, with all the money you pay 'em, can't the doctors help themselves ? The thing about natural childbirth is, ma, that you get to see your own baby being born.
Yeah, ma, wouldn't you have liked to have seen Gloria born ? No.
I'd be too scared.
Do you know how old she was before I even counted her toes ? How old, ma ? [ Giggling .]
Oh, it's-- it's too silly.
[ Giggling .]
[ Laughing .]
[ Giggling .]
How old, ma ? [ Guffawing .]
I-I-- [ Laughing .]
I-- I haven't even counted 'em yet ! I counted 'em ! She has 12 ! Twelve ! Now, that's very funny ! You think that's funny ? Seven of 'em are on one foot ! [ Laughing .]
[ Edith .]
Gloria, what's the matter ? Hey.
Y-you okay ? Something's wrong.
Uh, well, uh, sit down.
No ! Mike, call the doctor.
It's there, right on the pad.
Oh-- [ Sobbing .]
[ Gloria crying .]
Now, you're sure, doctor ? You're sure she's gonna be okay ? Don't worry, Mr.
stivic.
Just see that she gets plenty of rest.
She'll be fine.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
So long.
[ Exhales .]
Ma ? Yeah ? The doctor just left.
He said Gloria's gonna be fine.
Everything's okay.
He said we can have as many babies as we want.
Oh.
This is the fifth pot of tea I made.
And I scrubbed the sink nine times.
Ma, you can stop now.
Gloria's gonna be fine.
Oh.
My mother once waxed the kitchen floor 42 times Waitin' for my father's appendix to come out.
Oh, I gotta go see her.
Now all we gotta worry about is your father-in-law.
Why ? What'll you think he'll do ? Oh, I don't know.
But all last week, Gloria wasn't havin' your baby.
She was havin' his grandson.
And you just don't take things away from Archie bunker.
Hey, hey, hey ! Here I am ! On behalf of the bear and me, I bid you all a good evenin'.
Archie-- Mike, I wanna tell you something.
Archie, we tried to reach you at work, and you'd already left-- wait a minute.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Now, I thought this whole thing over, and you can't leave.
Because you can't go to school at night and work at the same time, pay for an apartment, support a wife and a baby.
See ? Now, to begin with, you ain't got the brains.
Uh, Archie-- it's true, Edith.
It's true.
The boy didn't even have the brains to keep himself from gettin' pregnant.
Archie, I been tryin' to tell you something-- I'm tryin' to tell you somethin'.
We're not pregnant anymore.
Will you let me finish-- you're what ? Well, we're not gonna have a baby now.
You big dumb polack.
Did you do something illegal ? Don't be ridiculous ! Of course not ! Then what happened ? What's with the face on you, Edith ? What is it ? Archie Gloria lost the baby.
What are you talkin' about ? What do you mean by that ? But the doctor says she's gonna be fine.
She lost the baby ? [ Edith .]
Yes, Archie.
She lost the baby.
Aw, gee.
[ Knocking .]
Come in.
Hi, daddy.
Hiya, sweetheart.
How ya feelin' ? Hey, you look pretty good there.
I didn't do a very good job, did I ? Aw, who said that ? Some dopey doctor ? Oh, no, no, daddy.
Stop.
Aw, gee whiz.
[ Sighs .]
You wanna say something ? Uh-- well, no, no, nothin'.
I, uh-- no, nothin'.
You love me.
I love you too, daddy.
Edith, I'm waitin' to make your decision here.
Do you want the nine of clubs or not ? I don't need it.
I got gin.
Ah-- we're goin' for a walk, mom.
We'll be back in an hour.
You guys goin' to the movies later ? If Archie don't change his mind.
Oh, good.
We can have the house all to ourselves.
I changed my mind.
Daddy.
[ Announcer .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.