All Round to Mrs. Brown's (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 # Make a date, don't be late # Cos you know it's going to be great # When the irrepressible Browns come to town # To begin, just tune in # And you'll wear a nuclear grin # Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown # Instead of feeling depressed # Let laughter make you feel blessed # So it's all round To Mrs Brown's.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's! This programme contains some strong language.
- Hello! AUDIENCE: - Hello! You're all very welcome to another evening round at my house.
It's been such a fun few weeks, and I'm very sad.
Tonight is the last Saturday night we'll be sharing together for a while.
- AUDIENCE: - Aw! I know, yeah.
Feck it, I'm going for a rest.
LAUGHTER I know, I know.
It is sad, but it's all gone so quickly.
Cathy's showbiz blog has gone really from strength to strength.
She's had some wonderful guests on her show.
And she's got some fantastic guests on tonight too.
You'll see.
Eh Oh, hello, Rory! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - How are you, Mammy? - Hello, chicken.
- Hello, Mrs Brown.
- Hello, Dino.
Mammy, Cathy said she's got Michael Ball coming in to the show.
- AUDIENCE: - Whooooo! Now, I'm just wondering if he's going to be in, you know, - stage make-up or the usual? - Aye.
If it is stage make-up, then Rory has to do him.
And if it's regular, then I can give him a blow.
AUDIENCE SHRIEK Dry.
Blow-dry.
Aye! Betty's picking Michael up from the station.
Cathy's upstairs.
Why don't you go up and ask her what's going on? APPLAUSE It's boyband night at Foley's tonight.
- AUDIENCE: - Oooooh! I'll be down there throwing my knickers.
LAUGHTER Mind you, these days, there's less G-string and more double duvet.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, Ma.
- Hello, Mark, son.
- Has Betty been here yet? - Betty? No.
She's picking up Michael Ball from the station.
- Are you OK, son? - Not really.
Betty wants me to have the talk with Bono.
- What talk? - THE talk.
Oh.
THE talk.
- I don't know where to start.
- Well, try and think back.
Do you remember your father having THE talk with you? Yeah.
LAUGHTER And what did he say? He said, "Son, some day you're going to meet a girl - "and you're going to have feelings.
" - And? He said, "Just ignore them feelings because they'll ruin your life.
" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Nice to see you.
Hello.
Hello! - This is Michael, Mrs Brown.
- Oh, I know exactly who he is.
LAUGHTER Well? Did you have the talk with Bono? - Not yet.
- Oh, for God's sake, Mark, it's better hearing it from you than learning about it on the street.
Come on.
I'll see you, Mrs Brown.
- I'll see you, Betty.
- See you later, Ma.
Good luck, son.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Mark has to have the talk with my grandson, Bono.
- Oh, THE talk.
- Yes.
Yeah, well - HE LAUGHS - I'm sorry.
Well, now, it's good if he does have the co I learnt every Talk.
LAUGHTER - Can I give you a tip? - Yeah.
Fucking sing.
LAUGHTER My Mark needs to have the talk with my grandson, Bono.
Well, it's good if they do, I learned most of what I know from my first girlfriend.
Really? - What did she say? - She said # Slowly, gently Night unfurls its splendour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Grasp it, sense it Tremulous and tender LAUGHTER Please stop.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not going to lie to you.
I think a little bit of wee came out there.
LAUGHTER So, in singing terms, you'd be a double bass.
I'm actually a baritone.
A high baritone, so I can go quite Excuse me, Your Grace, I'm so sorry.
LAUGHTER Nobody told me.
I wasn't expecting it.
I'm so sorry.
You seem to be around for ever.
When did you do your first? - My first professional job was in 1984.
- God, that's - Yeah.
- .
.
a long time ago.
- It's a long time ago.
That's coming up for 33 years I'll have been doing this.
33 years? And the big show I did was Les Miserables in 1986.
Oh.
Did you like that? - I saw it four times.
- Did you? I still don't know what the fuck was going on.
LAUGHTER But the music was amazing.
Amazing! Amazing.
Basically, everyone dies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's just the audience.
LAUGHTER Oh, hello, Michael! - Lovely to meet you.
- How are you? Come on, let's get you down to our salon.
Down you go, Michael, and grab your bit of make-up.
- See you at the talk show.
- Will do.
God bless.
- Will it be full stage make-up? - No, I think just the usual.
Right.
Looks like I'll be blowing.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Family, eh? Sometimes your own family are the strangest characters you'll meet.
Speaking about strange characters let's see who we have in the audience tonight.
Where's Barbara Ingham? Where's Barbara? Hello, Barbara.
Oh, look at you.
You look gorgeous.
I love your scarf.
Thank you.
Is it Barbara and her niece, Beverly? Is Bev with you? - Yes, Bev.
- Oh! Two scarves! It says you're amateur bird-watchers.
- And they call you twitchers.
- Yes.
- Describe a bird-watching day.
- What would you do? - Well, we've got the gear - I bet you have.
LAUGHTER No, let's go back to the bird-watching.
We've not much idea.
We can distinguish a robin from a tit, but that's it.
LAUGHTER I wouldn't call myself a bird-watcher, but I'm pretty good at distinguishing a robin from a tit.
Give them a round of applause.
APPLAUSE Where's Nicola Dudgeon? Nicola? Hello, Nicola, how are you? Look at you! Hello.
He-he-he-he! Now, Nicola won best-dressed lady at Newcastle Races.
Yes, I did.
- AUDIENCE: - Ooooh! Mind you, it's Newcastle, it's not that hard.
LAUGHTER The last two winners were horses.
LAUGHTER Do you have a photograph of this? Look at that! - AUDIENCE: - Ooooh! Absolutely beautiful, beautiful lampshaer, dress.
Well, I have to say, that photograph doesn't do you half as justice as standing there.
You're absolutely beautiful.
Nice to meet you.
APPLAUSE Where's Stephanie Sill, Stephanie Sill, where are you? - Hello, Stephanie.
How are you? - I'm good, thank you.
- It says here you're a PE teacher.
- Yeah.
It's important for kids to get exercise and, you know, do you do it in the mornings? Warm them up and all that? Yeah.
Come down for a second.
Come here.
Give her a round of applause.
APPLAUSE Now, you can see our crew are all very stiff.
Yeah.
And the audience look a bit stiff.
Why don't we all warm up together? So you show us the exercise first.
Show us.
Right, OK, so first one, you're going to put your arm over your head.
One hand on your hip.
Hand on your hip.
I have to warn you before you start, this is how my Rory started.
Right arm in the air.
Hold on, give us some music.
MUSIC: Shake It Off by Taylor Swift Here we go! Four, three, four MUSIC STOPS I could hear hips clicking.
LAUGHTER That was fantastic for a warm-up.
Give her a big round of applause.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you, Stephanie.
That was lovely to be CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What are you doing?! - Warming up.
How are things coming for the show? I can't wait, Mammy.
Michael Ball is going to be on the show tonight.
I know, I already met him, he's gorgeous.
Yeah, I've been wanting to have him on the sofa for a long time.
LAUGHTER I could do to have him on the sofa for ten minutes.
Oh, the curly locks on his head, look at him.
Mwah! Mammy! And then all the things you can grab onto.
Grrr! Mammy, stop it! All about the bass, 'bout the bass - Sunetra Sarker is on, too.
- Wow! - AUDIENCE: - Oooooh! Oh, Mammy, I loved her in Casualty.
Yeah.
- She's so much fun.
And she does a lot of community work too.
She's a doctor, isn't she? No, Mammy, she PLAYS a doctor.
She's an actress.
That's something you'd be great at.
LAUGHTER - Acting? - Jesus, no! Community work.
LAUGHTER I'll prepare somewhere else, thank you.
Prepare away.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, Winnie.
- How are you, Agnes? - Sit down.
- Thanks, pet.
Listen, I just dropped in to say I have a very busy day, so I won't get a chance to call over.
LAUGHTER Do you know, if you're too busy to call over today, why don't we go down to Foley's and have a coffee down there? Jesus, that's a great idea, Agnes.
I thought you might like it.
Cathy, I'm heading out, I'll be back later! Take your time.
I could do with a bit of peace and quiet.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING - Hey, Cathy.
- Hey.
- Do you have a minute? What's wrong? Nothing's wrong, it's just Betty thinks it's time for, you know, the talk with Bono.
Betty's absolutely right.
He's at a very impressionable age.
And the things he's learning now need to come from a responsible adult.
Right.
So I'll send him over here, and you can tell him everything.
What?! No, Mark.
His father needs to do it.
Tell him about the birds and the bees.
Yeah We make LAUGHTER Oh, Granda.
No.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Two coffees, son, please.
- Hiya, Ma.
- Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, boys.
How did the haunted house thing go? It was great.
It was spooky.
We even did a seance and everything.
Me and Winnie went to a seance once.
We went on this nudist spa thing.
Winnie said that she felt a couple of ghoulies going across her face.
LAUGHTER So tell me, what happened? HE CHUCKLES - It was along story, Ma.
- I know, I know, yeah, yeah.
I was going to go in with the long story, but you were laughing.
- So what happened? - It was along story, Ma.
LAUGHTER It's always a long story.
- Will we do the wobble? - Let's do the wobble.
Buster, today is going to be a great day.
This is going to be the best Celebrity Haunted House Tour EVER.
- SNIGGERS - A gloriously ghoulish guided group gallivant around the gruesome garrisons and graves.
The tips are going to be rolling in.
Yes, they will.
We have to be at the top of our game.
And I have the perfect celebrity to make this a success.
A real-life ghost hunter.
- Who? - I've managed to get Yvette Why? Is this place haunted by animals? What? No, Buster.
Not a vet - Yvette Fielding.
You know, the woman off the telly? Who finds all the ghosts? Oh, yeah.
Here she is now.
# She's just a devil woman # With evil on her mind # Beware the devil woman She's gonna get you - Hi, guys.
- Jesus! - What's up? You're very jumpy! - Nice to meet you, Yvette.
Nice to see you too.
You're looking sexy.
So you can talk to dead animals? No, Buster, I've just told you.
She's not a vet.
She's Yvette.
- So what do they say to you? - What? - The animals.
I don't talk to dead animals.
Sometimes, I can speak to people from the other side.
The other side of what? Shut up, Buster.
Right, Yvette, today, you work for us, and we need you to help us to make lots of tips, all right? Now, we know you are used to having the willies put up you but today, we are going to put the willies up those people.
- So are you ready to help us? - Sounds like a good plan.
- I like a good willy.
- Right, let's get started.
Good afternoon, guys and GHOULS! - PUBLIC: - Whooooo! You're all very welcome to D&B's Celebrity Haunted House Tour.
- PUBLIC: - Whoooo! OK, here's your host, Yvette Fielding.
CHEERING Hello, everybody.
Now then, who would like to find some ghosts? - Yay! - Ssh! Quietly.
- LOUDLY: - Right, follow me! # Scooby-Dooby-Doo # Where are you? # We got some work to do now Scooby-Dooby-Doo So, now to our real highlight of the tour where we are going to conduct a seance.
- PUBLIC: - Oooooh! And to help us with this is Yvette and this woman here who is a medium.
LAUGHTER Extra large.
But it suits you.
Everybody hold hands.
Ghost! If you are there, give us a sign! Expose yourself.
LAUGHTER Shut up, Buster.
Just give us a sign that you are there.
PARP! Sorry, Dermot.
LAUGHTER I'm nervous.
Shut up, Buster.
Is there anybody here? I'm sensing a presence.
- Can you show yourself to me? - Slowly.
LOUD BANG They're here.
They're in the room! They're here.
Hold tight, everybody, hold tight.
Don't let yourselves go! # Scooby-Dooby-Doo # Where are you? We need some help from you now.
WOLF HOWLS OK, now its time for a spooky ghost story.
MUSIC: Theme from Psycho - PUBLIC: - Oooh! - You're going to piss your pants.
I am A young boy was murdered, he was hanged, drawn and quartered by Irish mercenaries.
He certainly was, and he was an Irish harpist.
Whoa.
He should have played the guitar.
- PARP! - What's that? - It's me again.
OK, moving on, next room! # Scooby-Dooby-Doo # Where are you? We got some work to do now Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of the Haunted House Tour.
- PUBLIC: - Aw! We're sorry you didn't see any ghosts, but please tell your friends you did.
- LAUGHTER - Please show your appreciation with a tip.
So, if we were scary and amazing, dip into those savings.
Don't be cheap if we gave you the creeps.
LAUGHTER If our tour did the trick, don't be a A prick.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Whatever, nice one.
Cheers.
Thanks.
- The bucket's heavy, Dermot.
- OK, Yvette, thanks for today.
You were great.
Here's a little token of our appreciation.
Oh, thank you very much.
That's grea - It's empty.
- Ooh! It must have been the ghost.
- Let's go.
- See you.
Heh-heh! Bastards.
WOLF HOWLS Well - Dermot, that was scary.
- Yeah, very.
- But Yvette sounds lovely.
- She was great.
- She's the nicest vet I ever met.
Buster, for the last time, it's not a vet, it's Yvette.
- Yvette? - Yeah.
- Not a vet.
- Exactly.
Yvette.
Now you have it.
I can literally see the hamster falling off the wheel.
LAUGHTER Don't look at me.
You should go and see a THEY LAUGH You should go and see a hamster.
THEY LAUGH I can literally see a hamster committing suicide on the wheel.
THEY LAUGH But don't look at me.
You should take your hamster to a vet.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Shut up, Buster.
Yeah.
That's called sympathy.
- Well, bye-bye, boys.
- See you, Ma.
Here, leave your glass, they're fucking short in here.
See you soon.
- Bye, love.
- Love you, Mrs Brown.
- Get away from me! - There's your coffee, pet.
- Thank you, dear girl.
- Agnes.
- What, Winnie? If you hadn't married Redser, who would you have married? Well, I don't know.
But there was one fella.
He was a fine thing.
A monster in the bedroom.
Yeah.
He was a footballer for Bohemians FC.
Oh.
My Jacko played for Bohemians.
This fellow was a centre forward.
My Jacko was a centre forward.
- Here.
- What? I've got some more letters in from people looking for me - to solve their problems.
- Oh! - Here, you take these ones.
- Right.
And I'll take these.
The first one is from Pat Pearce.
Where's Pat? Hello, Pat! - How are you, Pat? - Fine, thank you.
And she says, "Having a bake-off day in May "and I'm wondering if Mrs Brown has any good recipes for tarts, "muffins or crumpets.
" Muffins is her department.
But if you're looking for a tart or crumpet, you've come to the right place.
Any time.
Ian McArthur, have we got Ian? Hello, Ian, how are you? - Fine, thank you.
- Good to see you.
Ian says, "As a father of two teenage daughters, 18 and 15" That's odd names.
".
.
how do I deal with the potential boyfriend scenario "without resorting to violence of a castration nature?" Well, you know what? I have only one daughter and I swear to God, if anybody, if the bin man asked to take her, I'd bucking give her.
This one is from Janice, Janice Wallace.
- She says, "Dear, Agnes" - Where's Janice? - "I" Oh, sorry.
Hello, Janice.
How are you? Fine, Agnes.
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
She says, "I would like some advice.
"I have been playing with my husband's bowels.
" Oh, boules! Boules! Sorry.
"I've been playing with my husband's bowls ".
.
and they are too large for my hands and I" LAUGHTER "And I keep dropping them on the grass "which means I can't get anywhere near the jack to win the game.
" APPLAUSE - Janice.
- Yes, Agnes.
If you get a ball in each hand and clack them together you will never see the jack again.
- Here! - What? I'd better be off.
I'd better be getting these tongs in the picker and not for the first time either.
- I'll see you later, Winnie.
Bye-bye.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye! Is Mark going to be long in there? I'm starting my show any minute.
I don't know.
He's having the talk with Bono.
Put the phone down, I want to have a chat.
Sure, Dad.
I want to talk to you about About what, Dad? - About sex.
- Sure, Dad.
What do you want to know? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING What? Don't be afraid, Dad.
You can ask me anything.
Betty, come on.
We're going! - Hi, Ma.
- Hello, Mark, son.
What's wrong? It's Dad, he'll be fine.
Love you.
- Love you more.
- And, Granny? - Yes, love? - Reggae! - Ooh! MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy RECORD SCRATCHES So, Aly, you're making what? Er, I'm making brown curry for Sunetra and her mum.
But I'm putting a bit of twist in.
A bit of a twist in.
Nice fusion, you know, something So, can have a look at the curry, what it's like when it's finished? Look at that.
AUDIENCE OOHS APPLAUSE - And we're going to have a surprise dish.
- A surprise dish? - Yes.
- What's that? - Surprise! Reggae! MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy RECORD SCRATCHES Ooh.
Cathy's show is about to start.
I should get in there.
Good luck with that, Mrs Brown.
Five, four, three, two, one.
# Lights aglow Here we go The Cathy Brown Show.
APPLAUSE And me, Mrs Agnes Brown.
Cathy's mother.
96 hours in labour.
Well, welcome to the show, and please welcome my guests tonight, the magnificent Michael Ball and the supremely talented Sunetra Sarker.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING How are you? Thank you.
- Hello! - Hello.
- Hello, Sunetra.
- Hello! Why can't you dress like that? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Buster, what are you doing? That's terrifying.
It's for Michael.
I wanted to show him my Phantom of the opera! - That was good.
- Wow! Buster, get out.
- Out.
- Aww.
- AUDIENCE AWWS And get the lights, Buster.
MUSIC: Phantom Of The Opera The bells, the bells! APPLAUSE Well, welcome to the show, both of you.
Thank you, Cathy.
- Thank you.
- First up, Sunetra, you're probably best known for Casualty.
Yes.
But since leaving, we've seen you in Broadchurch.
Oh, yeah.
- And in Death In Paradise.
- Yes.
And we'll next see you in the ITV drama, Safe House.
- Yes.
- Tell us a bit about that.
Yeah, well, it was interesting putting down my doctor's stethoscope and becoming a detective instead, which is what I'm playing in Safe House.
Yeah, I'm a detective in charge of a serial killer.
That's very, very different from being a doctor.
Very different, yeah.
Was it hard to adjust, you know, to? Yeah, I'm so used to feeling people's pulses and speaking medical gobbledygook that it was quite a breath of fresh air to speak English all the time and not have to go into medical jargon.
You started your career in Brookside and I think, didn't you do a small role in Coronation Street? - I did, yes.
- Did you? - Yeah, I did two episodes.
But they they never asked me back.
I was playing a tennis pro Oh.
.
.
who was a love rival for Kevin Webster, Mike Le Vell, - and he beat me up.
- Mm.
And I do it in these tiny, little white shorts with a great old '80s mullet.
You don't have the shorts with you, do you? No, I don't! Stop it, Mammy.
Would you be tempted to do any more? I would be so tempted! Oh, Mammy, please! I didn't ask if you were tempted to New balls, please! New balls.
- APPLAUSE - I'll tell you what If I tried to wear those shorts, I'd need them.
- Michael.
- Yes, Cathy.
- Your album with Alfie Boe - Yeah.
.
.
it was a bestselling UK album of 2016.
It was.
I think that deserves a round of applause.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING There's no rivalry between the two of you? Well, you know, if you work with someone that you like, who's a mate but is also really good, I think it kind of makes you work at the top of your game.
Oh, I wish I had that pleasure.
We have a clip of both of you performing one of the songs - from the album.
- OK.
# If I die # Let me die # Let him live Bring him home APPLAUSE MRS BROWN CRIES - Did you enjoy that, Mammy? - No, I just I'm a music lover and it wasn't in key.
- Sorry, Michael.
- I blame Alfie! Yeah, it's his fault.
Sunetra, most actors, you know, they're working for years and years and years - before they can get discovered.
- Mm-hm.
Where were you discovered? I was discovered at the bus stop.
Yeah.
When I was 15, yeah.
I think they were desperately looking for Asian Scousers and they must've scoured the whole of Liverpool and just not found anyone back in the '80s.
So the casting director sort of got in her car and starting looking around the whole of Liverpool and - Yeah.
- For Brookie? - For Brookie.
She said, "Oh, you've got "the right face for this character we've written.
"Give that card to your mum and dad and come along for an audition.
" And here I am 27 years later.
APPLAUSE Mammy, you were doing a little bit of research on Michael today too, - weren't you? - I was.
I just want to ask, what were you thinking when you were posing for this photograph? My God.
That's him on the right.
Blimey.
I've never seen that photo in my life.
MRS BROWN LAUGHS - That's Aspects Of Love.
- Ooh! - Is it? - Yeah, yeah.
- What the hell was I wearing? - I know, I know.
I found it under Rory's mattress.
Well, Mammy, now it's time to bring out one of our guests' own mammies onto the show.
So, this week, please welcome Sunetra's gorgeous mammy, Bisakha.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING You're so welcome.
Thank you.
Look at the glamour and grace of you.
You make your daughter look like a tramp.
Sit down here.
Sit down.
APPLAUSE Welcome to the show, Bisakha.
It's lovely to have you with us.
You have to be the most interesting person we've ever had on the show.
- You have an MBE.
- Yes.
APPLAUSE For services in teaching Indian dance to the community.
And you're dancing Were you a professional dancer? Yes, I am.
I've always danced, you know, from when I was very young.
I started and then I carried on.
- You're still dancing? - Yes, I am.
- Wow! Just age-appropriate, I must add.
- 50s, 50s.
- And you teach dance? - I do.
- Wow! I'm looking forward to, if any of you would like - to learn a few moves.
- Mum! APPLAUSE You had me at hello.
Mammy, we have a little photo of when Bisakha - was presented with her MBE.
- Let's have a look at it.
- Aww.
- Aww.
- Aww.
And that's Sunetra and this is your sister, is that correct? Yes, Sri.
Yeah, we all went, it was a family outing.
Three sisters.
You look beautiful.
Aww.
But again, if you could just dress like your mother.
I think I look all right! - You've got an MBE.
MICHAEL: - No, I've got an OBE.
You've got an OBE.
Your father's His dad's got an MBE.
- My dad's an MBE.
- That's right, yes.
- For? - Services to the motor industry.
- He was involved with the Mini.
He launched the very first Mini.
And you brought him along when you received your OBE.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I think we have a photo of that.
- Have you? - Wow! - Aww.
He said it was the proudest day of his life.
It was just brilliant.
- Very moving.
- Perfect.
Now, Bisakha, what was Sunetra like as a little girl? Erm Well, she was my first child so I think, you know, I didn't know what to expect.
- What she spoiled? - Yeah.
I wasn't spoiled! - You were really strict.
- No, no, no.
- You were super strict.
- I don't think so.
- Yes, you were.
- I think you were very spoiled.
Take it outside, girls.
Take it outside.
She was loud and boisterous.
Was she a good dancer when she was growing up? Not maybe as good as she could've been.
Are you of the same opinion as the rest of us in that, everything I've seen you in, Sunetra, - the camera absolutely loves you.
- Oh.
It just loves you.
You look better on camera than you do now.
- Mammy.
- Yes, love? Would you like to take Bisakha into the kitchen and see how Chef Aly is doing? I would love to take Bisakha in the kitchen and have a little chat.
Please allow me.
No, you're only just over knee surgery, so I want to make it nice and easy for you.
You fall with me.
Well, if I fall with you, we fall together.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now, she said Sunetra wasn't a precocious child.
Have a look at that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I was about ten! So this would have been one of her first head shots, I think? Yes.
She really photographs so well.
When you see her up close, it's different.
Isn't that beautiful? Look at that! - AUDIENCE: - Oooh! - I know! You look at that and you think, "Casualty.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Tell me about the basics for Indian dancing.
Could you teach me some small moves? I don't want to go mad.
Yes.
- Aly! Come on, come on! - I'm busy now! - Come on! You're going to learn to dance.
- OK.
- Put one hand on your waist.
Aly, come on! - One hand on your waist.
- And one over there.
And one over there, like this? And we'll just move our hips like that.
- I can do this! - Yeah, that's right.
- Yes! - That is a movement.
- OK.
Time for a bit of music, let me try that.
MUSIC: Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny) by The Pussycat Dolls AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's go and see what Aly's So Now, my mother used to do a - So, I see peppers in here.
- Yeah.
- Is that a Dublin Bay prawn? He's a big boy, a big prawn, yeah.
They are big boys! - Yes.
So this is the prawn and this is the sauce? This is the curry sauce.
Be very careful at home.
It's not easy to cook and you don't want to buy your curry from anywhere.
Don't buy it from a garage, for instance.
Buy it in a garage, you think it's hot going down, you want to feel it coming out! I'm looking forward to tasting that.
Will we go back in and see what the girls are doing? - Thank you very much.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Bisakha.
APPLAUSE - Now, Michael.
- Yeah? - You're famous for your powerful voice.
- Thank you.
I think we'd all love to hear it at full force.
CHEERING - I've an idea.
- What? Powerful or not, with your voice, from there, I bet you can't wake up Sleepy Dopey here.
- Well, let's find out! - Yes, go on, try it! Shall I do the last bit of Love Changes Everything? Oh, that would be beautiful, yes.
The big money note, as it's known.
Take it away, Michael.
# Love will never, never let you be # The.
Sa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-me APPLAUSE He's still alive! It didn't work.
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ball.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mammy, I think we should get Chef Aly in with today's dishes.
Well, let me go and help him.
It's beautiful.
Wait till you see what he has.
Aly, bring it in.
APPLAUSE There's an awful lot of balls! Oh Oh I'm joking! - That looks amazing.
- Are they real? Wow, Aly.
Well, what have we got here? We've got prawn curry with all the condiments.
We've got profiter-balls for Michael Ball.
- APPLAUSE - Aww, profiter-balls! Well, while Aly dishes up some of the curry, I'm going to take some up to the audience and see what the audience think of them.
Let me just try that one there.
Would you like a? Hey, hey! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Step away from the eclairs! Just cos it went past you doesn't mean it's for you! There you go.
Isn't it lovely? Look at that, the presentation.
Look at the way the roses It's gorgeous, isn't it? No.
There you go.
Our PE teacher.
So, guys, what do you think? It's stunning.
I'm so glad I came.
Beautiful.
Sunetra, is it better than your mammy's? I can't say that with mum sitting next to me.
It's just as good as, honestly.
As good as.
That's a great compliment.
- Bisakha, is that nice? - Very nice.
It's really something I've never tasted before.
Thank you very much.
It's supposed to be fuckin' curry! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Aly, you blew it! Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show tonight.
A huge thanks to all my guests - Michael Ball, Sunetra Sarker APPLAUSE .
.
Bisakha and, of course, Chef Aly! Next week, we'll be joined by Oh, no.
There is no next week.
AUDIENCE MOAN We'll see you again soon, but, for now, it's over to Father Damien and Trevor for Thought For The Day.
Goodnight! APPLAUSE Good evening.
And God bless you all.
I'm sure some of you are tired after a long day's work.
And some of you are just going to work now.
Night people.
People we know, like Martin in the fire service, or Liam, who's a police officer.
Or Jennifer Murphy, who's in personal security or, as she likes to call it, the escort service.
Whatever.
The point is, whether you work day or night, ask yourself, what questions did you ask God today? He's there to answer all of your questions.
Questions like, which is better - the iPhone or the Samsung 7? - No.
- No.
Serious questions like, am I living up to my potential? Or should I visit a friend who may be in prison? Or is it worth buying my mother out of the army? What? God is, like, there for you.
Like that extra bit of leverage you need when your nuts are too tight and you're trying to change a flat tyre.
You ask the question, He'll find the answer.
Yes.
Many of the answers you're looking for, they're in here.
Is like a Wikipedi-Jesus.
Well, that's my tip for the day.
And don't thank me - thank Jesus AMERICAN ACCENT: .
.
for puttin' the love in ma heart.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
APPLAUSE You do know the Samsung Galaxy 7 goes on fire? Only your one, Damien.
Pfff! Ooh-ooh! Ah! Ooh! APPLAUSE You know, the best thing about being a mammy is doing the lovely things for your children that make them happy, like buying them pets.
You know, yeah Children.
It's only when Christmas comes you understand why some animals eat their buckin' young.
When you buy your pet, you might hurt the pet, like, kill it.
Well, you just buy them another pet, just like that.
Sometimes you might accidentally kill that one, too.
Isn't that right, Anita Kelly? Oh, no! Yes, Anita Kelly, you're our Mammy of the Week! Come on down and join me.
Come on.
CHEERING Anita, every week, we reward a wonderful mother with this, the Mammy of the Week Award, and you've been nominated by your beautiful daughter.
Look at her up there.
Charlotte.
She wanted you to be our Mammy of the Week, and this is why.
Hi, Mam, I've nominated you to be Mammy of the Week, because I think you're simply the best.
But you're also a total nightmare.
My mam thinks it's really funny to loudly fart in public and blame us! She does it all the time.
Totally gross.
We used to have a really cute little hamster when I was young.
One day, Mam got it out of the cage and accidentally dropped me on top of it, completely squashing the poor thing.
She just ends up bumping into everything - bollards, other cars, even walls.
Then we got a second hamster and this time, she accidentally cooked it in the oven.
Hamsters really don't do so well in our house.
She really likes to throw things and it's Dad that gets the brunt of it.
He's had pretty much everything thrown at him over the years - toasters, hairdryers, you name it.
There's still a dent in the wall from where she threw a knife at him, which he says is a constant reminder to stay on her good side.
So, despite all those things that drive us crazy, you really are a superwoman that does everything for us.
You've helped me so much and we all think you're amazing.
She's really been a rock for all of us.
We don't know what we'd do without you.
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Well, our last show and we end up giving an award to a serial killer.
Apart from killing pets and trying to assassinate your husband, they say you're a very cool mum.
You're a big fan of Olly Murs.
- I am, yeah.
- Have you got all his albums? - Yeah.
Well, Anita, how would you like to come upstairs with me and I'll show you what's in my box? I'd love to see what's in your box.
Follow me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # It's going to make you think # It's going to rock your socks When you see what's in Mammy's Box.
APPLAUSE Anita, it's time for you to play Mrs Brown's Box.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Let me tell you what's going to happen here now.
They're all covered in A knife! You threw a feckin' knife! OK, so you can pick, you know, if you want, Grandad, - who's very weak and frail.
- Yeah.
Dino, who, God love him, he's very littleor Buster.
They all have chocolates, manicures, flowers, wine, chocolate, flowers, a year's supply of tea, manicure, and the golden key.
You have to hit that really hard when you're doing it.
That key is really well stuck on, you have to hit that so hard, but I don't have to tell you that, because you throw knives.
So it's up to you if you want Dino, Grandad or Buster.
- Dino.
- Dino? I'll just do it one more time.
Do you want Dino, Grandad or Buster? Dino.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You two, get out.
OK, Dino it is! Dino! Come into the middle, Dino.
Dino, she's obviously a big fan, she's going to beat the shit out of you.
Now, there's your magic tea towel and I have mine here just in case you need backup.
LAUGHTER It wasn't supposed to be like this! Knock off as many as you can, as hard as you can.
Don't forget - as hard as you can.
Your time starts when I say "go" and it ends when you hear the gong.
You have to hit them really hard to get them off.
OK, and go! CHEERING That was close! Now, let's see what's left.
I make it 361 euros.
APPLAUSE Pick up all these stars.
You did really well.
You did really, really well.
Let's see what you've got here.
- Chocolates, lovely.
AUDIENCE: - Oooh! - A year's supply of tea.
- Ooh! You look like you prefer whisky.
Cinema tickets, there you go, very nice.
- Oh, a manicure! - Ooh! Look at her nails, she doesn't need a manicure.
And the key to Mrs Brown's Box! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You take the key off that now and I'll go and get Mrs Brown's Box.
Lovely stuff.
I'll open this like that.
Dino's taking his breath there.
OK, let's see what you've won.
APPLAUSE Olly Murs tickets! Congratulations, Anita Kelly, our Mammy of the Week.
Thank you! If you could just tidy him up a bit, I'd appreciate it.
And, actually, tidy the place up a bit as well.
I have to go to the pub.
Anita Kelly, ladies and gentlemen! APPLAUSE Thank you so much.
Can I help you, son? Erm, we're here to play for you, I think.
SHE CHUCKLES Show me buckin' ID.
No, Mammy, that's our band.
They're playing here tonight.
It's The Vamps! THEY SQUEAL CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A gay band, fantastic.
Tell me, now, I know you boys are going to sing your, er - What's the hit called? - All Night is the song, yeah.
You're going to sing all night? No, not all night, son, you can only Four minutes, that's it, you're out of here.
But can I ask you for a special request? Of course, yeah.
I like the oldies, you know? One of my favourites of all time is a song called Mack The Knife.
- Would you know it? - We do, actually, yeah.
- You do know it? Would you mind giving me a couple of bars? # Oh, the shark, babe # Has such teeth, dear # And it shows them # Pearly white # Just a jack-knife # Has old MacHeath, babe And he keeps it out of sight.
APPLAUSE You go get ready and you can tell me a little bit more about the band.
Where are you gigging next? We've got, er, we go on tour.
We're doing an arena tour around the UK, so feel free to come along if you're free.
Oh, you're very kind.
The "free" bit is the bit I'm interested in.
Free, yeah.
You're a fine young man.
In a few years, you're going to get feelings, son.
OK.
You're going to want to be around girls and that.
OK, OK.
- If any of you need any advice - Come to you? You'd better believe it.
I'm going to go and get ready now, OK? APPLAUSE Here they are, singing All Night, The Vamps! RORY SQUEALS Here we go! # I've been up all night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # All night, no sleep Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming How are we feeling tonight? CHEERING Let me see you off your feet, stand up, stand up! # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # Sometimes I tend to lose myself # Out there on my own # I never seem to get it right # But I guess that's how it goes, yeah # Ever since you came around # Can't nobody hold me down # You showed me how to find myself # When I needed it the most # I've been up all night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # All night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # Wide awake, that's OK # As long as I'm with you # I'll be up all night, no sleep Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming Make some noise! CHEERING # As long as I'm with you # I feel like I'm always dreaming # And I'm never going to find my way # If I don't learn to let go # The past is the past Today is today # And there's things I can't control # The circles underneath my eyes # Tell the truth that I've been trying to hide # See, I've been waiting for you way too long # Won't you come and take me home? # Oh, I, I'm praying this ain't all a dream # Can you, you # Wake me up before you leave? # I've been up all night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # All night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # Wide awake, that's OK # As long as I'm with you # I'll be up all night, no sleep Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming Let me hear you screaming! CHEERING # As long as I'm with you # I feel like I'm always dreaming # No-oo-oo, na-na # As long as I'm with you Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming.
Thank you very much! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well Well, another wonderful night with Sunetra Sarker, Michael Ball and The Vamps.
Weren't they just magnificent? For children, they were wonderful! And, of course, Yvette, who was in the haunted house.
Wonderful, wonderful guests, and that's it now for this series.
I hope you enjoyed it all.
AUDIENCE MOAN Well, I hope you enjoyed some of it anyway.
I have to tell you, I enjoyed every bit of it.
We had the most wonderful guests and the thing that they all had in common is that none of them took themselves seriously.
Sometimes you have to do that, you know.
Let go.
Try it.
Go on.
Open your heart and take a risk.
There's no feeling like it in the world.
Well, maybe making love to George Clooney.
But, apart from that Or Matt Damon.
Maybe Matt Yes, OK, Matt Damon.
Be good to each other.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE # Make a date, don't be late # Cos you know it's going to be great # When the irrepressible Browns come to town # To begin, just tune in # And you'll wear a nuclear grin # Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown # Instead of feeling depressed # Let laughter make you feel blessed So it's all round to Mrs Brown's.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's! This programme contains some strong language.
- Hello! AUDIENCE: - Hello! You're all very welcome to another evening round at my house.
It's been such a fun few weeks, and I'm very sad.
Tonight is the last Saturday night we'll be sharing together for a while.
- AUDIENCE: - Aw! I know, yeah.
Feck it, I'm going for a rest.
LAUGHTER I know, I know.
It is sad, but it's all gone so quickly.
Cathy's showbiz blog has gone really from strength to strength.
She's had some wonderful guests on her show.
And she's got some fantastic guests on tonight too.
You'll see.
Eh Oh, hello, Rory! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - How are you, Mammy? - Hello, chicken.
- Hello, Mrs Brown.
- Hello, Dino.
Mammy, Cathy said she's got Michael Ball coming in to the show.
- AUDIENCE: - Whooooo! Now, I'm just wondering if he's going to be in, you know, - stage make-up or the usual? - Aye.
If it is stage make-up, then Rory has to do him.
And if it's regular, then I can give him a blow.
AUDIENCE SHRIEK Dry.
Blow-dry.
Aye! Betty's picking Michael up from the station.
Cathy's upstairs.
Why don't you go up and ask her what's going on? APPLAUSE It's boyband night at Foley's tonight.
- AUDIENCE: - Oooooh! I'll be down there throwing my knickers.
LAUGHTER Mind you, these days, there's less G-string and more double duvet.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, Ma.
- Hello, Mark, son.
- Has Betty been here yet? - Betty? No.
She's picking up Michael Ball from the station.
- Are you OK, son? - Not really.
Betty wants me to have the talk with Bono.
- What talk? - THE talk.
Oh.
THE talk.
- I don't know where to start.
- Well, try and think back.
Do you remember your father having THE talk with you? Yeah.
LAUGHTER And what did he say? He said, "Son, some day you're going to meet a girl - "and you're going to have feelings.
" - And? He said, "Just ignore them feelings because they'll ruin your life.
" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Nice to see you.
Hello.
Hello! - This is Michael, Mrs Brown.
- Oh, I know exactly who he is.
LAUGHTER Well? Did you have the talk with Bono? - Not yet.
- Oh, for God's sake, Mark, it's better hearing it from you than learning about it on the street.
Come on.
I'll see you, Mrs Brown.
- I'll see you, Betty.
- See you later, Ma.
Good luck, son.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Mark has to have the talk with my grandson, Bono.
- Oh, THE talk.
- Yes.
Yeah, well - HE LAUGHS - I'm sorry.
Well, now, it's good if he does have the co I learnt every Talk.
LAUGHTER - Can I give you a tip? - Yeah.
Fucking sing.
LAUGHTER My Mark needs to have the talk with my grandson, Bono.
Well, it's good if they do, I learned most of what I know from my first girlfriend.
Really? - What did she say? - She said # Slowly, gently Night unfurls its splendour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Grasp it, sense it Tremulous and tender LAUGHTER Please stop.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm not going to lie to you.
I think a little bit of wee came out there.
LAUGHTER So, in singing terms, you'd be a double bass.
I'm actually a baritone.
A high baritone, so I can go quite Excuse me, Your Grace, I'm so sorry.
LAUGHTER Nobody told me.
I wasn't expecting it.
I'm so sorry.
You seem to be around for ever.
When did you do your first? - My first professional job was in 1984.
- God, that's - Yeah.
- .
.
a long time ago.
- It's a long time ago.
That's coming up for 33 years I'll have been doing this.
33 years? And the big show I did was Les Miserables in 1986.
Oh.
Did you like that? - I saw it four times.
- Did you? I still don't know what the fuck was going on.
LAUGHTER But the music was amazing.
Amazing! Amazing.
Basically, everyone dies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's just the audience.
LAUGHTER Oh, hello, Michael! - Lovely to meet you.
- How are you? Come on, let's get you down to our salon.
Down you go, Michael, and grab your bit of make-up.
- See you at the talk show.
- Will do.
God bless.
- Will it be full stage make-up? - No, I think just the usual.
Right.
Looks like I'll be blowing.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Family, eh? Sometimes your own family are the strangest characters you'll meet.
Speaking about strange characters let's see who we have in the audience tonight.
Where's Barbara Ingham? Where's Barbara? Hello, Barbara.
Oh, look at you.
You look gorgeous.
I love your scarf.
Thank you.
Is it Barbara and her niece, Beverly? Is Bev with you? - Yes, Bev.
- Oh! Two scarves! It says you're amateur bird-watchers.
- And they call you twitchers.
- Yes.
- Describe a bird-watching day.
- What would you do? - Well, we've got the gear - I bet you have.
LAUGHTER No, let's go back to the bird-watching.
We've not much idea.
We can distinguish a robin from a tit, but that's it.
LAUGHTER I wouldn't call myself a bird-watcher, but I'm pretty good at distinguishing a robin from a tit.
Give them a round of applause.
APPLAUSE Where's Nicola Dudgeon? Nicola? Hello, Nicola, how are you? Look at you! Hello.
He-he-he-he! Now, Nicola won best-dressed lady at Newcastle Races.
Yes, I did.
- AUDIENCE: - Ooooh! Mind you, it's Newcastle, it's not that hard.
LAUGHTER The last two winners were horses.
LAUGHTER Do you have a photograph of this? Look at that! - AUDIENCE: - Ooooh! Absolutely beautiful, beautiful lampshaer, dress.
Well, I have to say, that photograph doesn't do you half as justice as standing there.
You're absolutely beautiful.
Nice to meet you.
APPLAUSE Where's Stephanie Sill, Stephanie Sill, where are you? - Hello, Stephanie.
How are you? - I'm good, thank you.
- It says here you're a PE teacher.
- Yeah.
It's important for kids to get exercise and, you know, do you do it in the mornings? Warm them up and all that? Yeah.
Come down for a second.
Come here.
Give her a round of applause.
APPLAUSE Now, you can see our crew are all very stiff.
Yeah.
And the audience look a bit stiff.
Why don't we all warm up together? So you show us the exercise first.
Show us.
Right, OK, so first one, you're going to put your arm over your head.
One hand on your hip.
Hand on your hip.
I have to warn you before you start, this is how my Rory started.
Right arm in the air.
Hold on, give us some music.
MUSIC: Shake It Off by Taylor Swift Here we go! Four, three, four MUSIC STOPS I could hear hips clicking.
LAUGHTER That was fantastic for a warm-up.
Give her a big round of applause.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you, Stephanie.
That was lovely to be CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - What are you doing?! - Warming up.
How are things coming for the show? I can't wait, Mammy.
Michael Ball is going to be on the show tonight.
I know, I already met him, he's gorgeous.
Yeah, I've been wanting to have him on the sofa for a long time.
LAUGHTER I could do to have him on the sofa for ten minutes.
Oh, the curly locks on his head, look at him.
Mwah! Mammy! And then all the things you can grab onto.
Grrr! Mammy, stop it! All about the bass, 'bout the bass - Sunetra Sarker is on, too.
- Wow! - AUDIENCE: - Oooooh! Oh, Mammy, I loved her in Casualty.
Yeah.
- She's so much fun.
And she does a lot of community work too.
She's a doctor, isn't she? No, Mammy, she PLAYS a doctor.
She's an actress.
That's something you'd be great at.
LAUGHTER - Acting? - Jesus, no! Community work.
LAUGHTER I'll prepare somewhere else, thank you.
Prepare away.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, Winnie.
- How are you, Agnes? - Sit down.
- Thanks, pet.
Listen, I just dropped in to say I have a very busy day, so I won't get a chance to call over.
LAUGHTER Do you know, if you're too busy to call over today, why don't we go down to Foley's and have a coffee down there? Jesus, that's a great idea, Agnes.
I thought you might like it.
Cathy, I'm heading out, I'll be back later! Take your time.
I could do with a bit of peace and quiet.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING - Hey, Cathy.
- Hey.
- Do you have a minute? What's wrong? Nothing's wrong, it's just Betty thinks it's time for, you know, the talk with Bono.
Betty's absolutely right.
He's at a very impressionable age.
And the things he's learning now need to come from a responsible adult.
Right.
So I'll send him over here, and you can tell him everything.
What?! No, Mark.
His father needs to do it.
Tell him about the birds and the bees.
Yeah We make LAUGHTER Oh, Granda.
No.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Two coffees, son, please.
- Hiya, Ma.
- Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, boys.
How did the haunted house thing go? It was great.
It was spooky.
We even did a seance and everything.
Me and Winnie went to a seance once.
We went on this nudist spa thing.
Winnie said that she felt a couple of ghoulies going across her face.
LAUGHTER So tell me, what happened? HE CHUCKLES - It was along story, Ma.
- I know, I know, yeah, yeah.
I was going to go in with the long story, but you were laughing.
- So what happened? - It was along story, Ma.
LAUGHTER It's always a long story.
- Will we do the wobble? - Let's do the wobble.
Buster, today is going to be a great day.
This is going to be the best Celebrity Haunted House Tour EVER.
- SNIGGERS - A gloriously ghoulish guided group gallivant around the gruesome garrisons and graves.
The tips are going to be rolling in.
Yes, they will.
We have to be at the top of our game.
And I have the perfect celebrity to make this a success.
A real-life ghost hunter.
- Who? - I've managed to get Yvette Why? Is this place haunted by animals? What? No, Buster.
Not a vet - Yvette Fielding.
You know, the woman off the telly? Who finds all the ghosts? Oh, yeah.
Here she is now.
# She's just a devil woman # With evil on her mind # Beware the devil woman She's gonna get you - Hi, guys.
- Jesus! - What's up? You're very jumpy! - Nice to meet you, Yvette.
Nice to see you too.
You're looking sexy.
So you can talk to dead animals? No, Buster, I've just told you.
She's not a vet.
She's Yvette.
- So what do they say to you? - What? - The animals.
I don't talk to dead animals.
Sometimes, I can speak to people from the other side.
The other side of what? Shut up, Buster.
Right, Yvette, today, you work for us, and we need you to help us to make lots of tips, all right? Now, we know you are used to having the willies put up you but today, we are going to put the willies up those people.
- So are you ready to help us? - Sounds like a good plan.
- I like a good willy.
- Right, let's get started.
Good afternoon, guys and GHOULS! - PUBLIC: - Whooooo! You're all very welcome to D&B's Celebrity Haunted House Tour.
- PUBLIC: - Whoooo! OK, here's your host, Yvette Fielding.
CHEERING Hello, everybody.
Now then, who would like to find some ghosts? - Yay! - Ssh! Quietly.
- LOUDLY: - Right, follow me! # Scooby-Dooby-Doo # Where are you? # We got some work to do now Scooby-Dooby-Doo So, now to our real highlight of the tour where we are going to conduct a seance.
- PUBLIC: - Oooooh! And to help us with this is Yvette and this woman here who is a medium.
LAUGHTER Extra large.
But it suits you.
Everybody hold hands.
Ghost! If you are there, give us a sign! Expose yourself.
LAUGHTER Shut up, Buster.
Just give us a sign that you are there.
PARP! Sorry, Dermot.
LAUGHTER I'm nervous.
Shut up, Buster.
Is there anybody here? I'm sensing a presence.
- Can you show yourself to me? - Slowly.
LOUD BANG They're here.
They're in the room! They're here.
Hold tight, everybody, hold tight.
Don't let yourselves go! # Scooby-Dooby-Doo # Where are you? We need some help from you now.
WOLF HOWLS OK, now its time for a spooky ghost story.
MUSIC: Theme from Psycho - PUBLIC: - Oooh! - You're going to piss your pants.
I am A young boy was murdered, he was hanged, drawn and quartered by Irish mercenaries.
He certainly was, and he was an Irish harpist.
Whoa.
He should have played the guitar.
- PARP! - What's that? - It's me again.
OK, moving on, next room! # Scooby-Dooby-Doo # Where are you? We got some work to do now Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end of the Haunted House Tour.
- PUBLIC: - Aw! We're sorry you didn't see any ghosts, but please tell your friends you did.
- LAUGHTER - Please show your appreciation with a tip.
So, if we were scary and amazing, dip into those savings.
Don't be cheap if we gave you the creeps.
LAUGHTER If our tour did the trick, don't be a A prick.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Whatever, nice one.
Cheers.
Thanks.
- The bucket's heavy, Dermot.
- OK, Yvette, thanks for today.
You were great.
Here's a little token of our appreciation.
Oh, thank you very much.
That's grea - It's empty.
- Ooh! It must have been the ghost.
- Let's go.
- See you.
Heh-heh! Bastards.
WOLF HOWLS Well - Dermot, that was scary.
- Yeah, very.
- But Yvette sounds lovely.
- She was great.
- She's the nicest vet I ever met.
Buster, for the last time, it's not a vet, it's Yvette.
- Yvette? - Yeah.
- Not a vet.
- Exactly.
Yvette.
Now you have it.
I can literally see the hamster falling off the wheel.
LAUGHTER Don't look at me.
You should go and see a THEY LAUGH You should go and see a hamster.
THEY LAUGH I can literally see a hamster committing suicide on the wheel.
THEY LAUGH But don't look at me.
You should take your hamster to a vet.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Shut up, Buster.
Yeah.
That's called sympathy.
- Well, bye-bye, boys.
- See you, Ma.
Here, leave your glass, they're fucking short in here.
See you soon.
- Bye, love.
- Love you, Mrs Brown.
- Get away from me! - There's your coffee, pet.
- Thank you, dear girl.
- Agnes.
- What, Winnie? If you hadn't married Redser, who would you have married? Well, I don't know.
But there was one fella.
He was a fine thing.
A monster in the bedroom.
Yeah.
He was a footballer for Bohemians FC.
Oh.
My Jacko played for Bohemians.
This fellow was a centre forward.
My Jacko was a centre forward.
- Here.
- What? I've got some more letters in from people looking for me - to solve their problems.
- Oh! - Here, you take these ones.
- Right.
And I'll take these.
The first one is from Pat Pearce.
Where's Pat? Hello, Pat! - How are you, Pat? - Fine, thank you.
And she says, "Having a bake-off day in May "and I'm wondering if Mrs Brown has any good recipes for tarts, "muffins or crumpets.
" Muffins is her department.
But if you're looking for a tart or crumpet, you've come to the right place.
Any time.
Ian McArthur, have we got Ian? Hello, Ian, how are you? - Fine, thank you.
- Good to see you.
Ian says, "As a father of two teenage daughters, 18 and 15" That's odd names.
".
.
how do I deal with the potential boyfriend scenario "without resorting to violence of a castration nature?" Well, you know what? I have only one daughter and I swear to God, if anybody, if the bin man asked to take her, I'd bucking give her.
This one is from Janice, Janice Wallace.
- She says, "Dear, Agnes" - Where's Janice? - "I" Oh, sorry.
Hello, Janice.
How are you? Fine, Agnes.
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
She says, "I would like some advice.
"I have been playing with my husband's bowels.
" Oh, boules! Boules! Sorry.
"I've been playing with my husband's bowls ".
.
and they are too large for my hands and I" LAUGHTER "And I keep dropping them on the grass "which means I can't get anywhere near the jack to win the game.
" APPLAUSE - Janice.
- Yes, Agnes.
If you get a ball in each hand and clack them together you will never see the jack again.
- Here! - What? I'd better be off.
I'd better be getting these tongs in the picker and not for the first time either.
- I'll see you later, Winnie.
Bye-bye.
- I'll see you later.
- Bye! Is Mark going to be long in there? I'm starting my show any minute.
I don't know.
He's having the talk with Bono.
Put the phone down, I want to have a chat.
Sure, Dad.
I want to talk to you about About what, Dad? - About sex.
- Sure, Dad.
What do you want to know? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING What? Don't be afraid, Dad.
You can ask me anything.
Betty, come on.
We're going! - Hi, Ma.
- Hello, Mark, son.
What's wrong? It's Dad, he'll be fine.
Love you.
- Love you more.
- And, Granny? - Yes, love? - Reggae! - Ooh! MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy RECORD SCRATCHES So, Aly, you're making what? Er, I'm making brown curry for Sunetra and her mum.
But I'm putting a bit of twist in.
A bit of a twist in.
Nice fusion, you know, something So, can have a look at the curry, what it's like when it's finished? Look at that.
AUDIENCE OOHS APPLAUSE - And we're going to have a surprise dish.
- A surprise dish? - Yes.
- What's that? - Surprise! Reggae! MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy RECORD SCRATCHES Ooh.
Cathy's show is about to start.
I should get in there.
Good luck with that, Mrs Brown.
Five, four, three, two, one.
# Lights aglow Here we go The Cathy Brown Show.
APPLAUSE And me, Mrs Agnes Brown.
Cathy's mother.
96 hours in labour.
Well, welcome to the show, and please welcome my guests tonight, the magnificent Michael Ball and the supremely talented Sunetra Sarker.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING How are you? Thank you.
- Hello! - Hello.
- Hello, Sunetra.
- Hello! Why can't you dress like that? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Buster, what are you doing? That's terrifying.
It's for Michael.
I wanted to show him my Phantom of the opera! - That was good.
- Wow! Buster, get out.
- Out.
- Aww.
- AUDIENCE AWWS And get the lights, Buster.
MUSIC: Phantom Of The Opera The bells, the bells! APPLAUSE Well, welcome to the show, both of you.
Thank you, Cathy.
- Thank you.
- First up, Sunetra, you're probably best known for Casualty.
Yes.
But since leaving, we've seen you in Broadchurch.
Oh, yeah.
- And in Death In Paradise.
- Yes.
And we'll next see you in the ITV drama, Safe House.
- Yes.
- Tell us a bit about that.
Yeah, well, it was interesting putting down my doctor's stethoscope and becoming a detective instead, which is what I'm playing in Safe House.
Yeah, I'm a detective in charge of a serial killer.
That's very, very different from being a doctor.
Very different, yeah.
Was it hard to adjust, you know, to? Yeah, I'm so used to feeling people's pulses and speaking medical gobbledygook that it was quite a breath of fresh air to speak English all the time and not have to go into medical jargon.
You started your career in Brookside and I think, didn't you do a small role in Coronation Street? - I did, yes.
- Did you? - Yeah, I did two episodes.
But they they never asked me back.
I was playing a tennis pro Oh.
.
.
who was a love rival for Kevin Webster, Mike Le Vell, - and he beat me up.
- Mm.
And I do it in these tiny, little white shorts with a great old '80s mullet.
You don't have the shorts with you, do you? No, I don't! Stop it, Mammy.
Would you be tempted to do any more? I would be so tempted! Oh, Mammy, please! I didn't ask if you were tempted to New balls, please! New balls.
- APPLAUSE - I'll tell you what If I tried to wear those shorts, I'd need them.
- Michael.
- Yes, Cathy.
- Your album with Alfie Boe - Yeah.
.
.
it was a bestselling UK album of 2016.
It was.
I think that deserves a round of applause.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING There's no rivalry between the two of you? Well, you know, if you work with someone that you like, who's a mate but is also really good, I think it kind of makes you work at the top of your game.
Oh, I wish I had that pleasure.
We have a clip of both of you performing one of the songs - from the album.
- OK.
# If I die # Let me die # Let him live Bring him home APPLAUSE MRS BROWN CRIES - Did you enjoy that, Mammy? - No, I just I'm a music lover and it wasn't in key.
- Sorry, Michael.
- I blame Alfie! Yeah, it's his fault.
Sunetra, most actors, you know, they're working for years and years and years - before they can get discovered.
- Mm-hm.
Where were you discovered? I was discovered at the bus stop.
Yeah.
When I was 15, yeah.
I think they were desperately looking for Asian Scousers and they must've scoured the whole of Liverpool and just not found anyone back in the '80s.
So the casting director sort of got in her car and starting looking around the whole of Liverpool and - Yeah.
- For Brookie? - For Brookie.
She said, "Oh, you've got "the right face for this character we've written.
"Give that card to your mum and dad and come along for an audition.
" And here I am 27 years later.
APPLAUSE Mammy, you were doing a little bit of research on Michael today too, - weren't you? - I was.
I just want to ask, what were you thinking when you were posing for this photograph? My God.
That's him on the right.
Blimey.
I've never seen that photo in my life.
MRS BROWN LAUGHS - That's Aspects Of Love.
- Ooh! - Is it? - Yeah, yeah.
- What the hell was I wearing? - I know, I know.
I found it under Rory's mattress.
Well, Mammy, now it's time to bring out one of our guests' own mammies onto the show.
So, this week, please welcome Sunetra's gorgeous mammy, Bisakha.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING You're so welcome.
Thank you.
Look at the glamour and grace of you.
You make your daughter look like a tramp.
Sit down here.
Sit down.
APPLAUSE Welcome to the show, Bisakha.
It's lovely to have you with us.
You have to be the most interesting person we've ever had on the show.
- You have an MBE.
- Yes.
APPLAUSE For services in teaching Indian dance to the community.
And you're dancing Were you a professional dancer? Yes, I am.
I've always danced, you know, from when I was very young.
I started and then I carried on.
- You're still dancing? - Yes, I am.
- Wow! Just age-appropriate, I must add.
- 50s, 50s.
- And you teach dance? - I do.
- Wow! I'm looking forward to, if any of you would like - to learn a few moves.
- Mum! APPLAUSE You had me at hello.
Mammy, we have a little photo of when Bisakha - was presented with her MBE.
- Let's have a look at it.
- Aww.
- Aww.
- Aww.
And that's Sunetra and this is your sister, is that correct? Yes, Sri.
Yeah, we all went, it was a family outing.
Three sisters.
You look beautiful.
Aww.
But again, if you could just dress like your mother.
I think I look all right! - You've got an MBE.
MICHAEL: - No, I've got an OBE.
You've got an OBE.
Your father's His dad's got an MBE.
- My dad's an MBE.
- That's right, yes.
- For? - Services to the motor industry.
- He was involved with the Mini.
He launched the very first Mini.
And you brought him along when you received your OBE.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I think we have a photo of that.
- Have you? - Wow! - Aww.
He said it was the proudest day of his life.
It was just brilliant.
- Very moving.
- Perfect.
Now, Bisakha, what was Sunetra like as a little girl? Erm Well, she was my first child so I think, you know, I didn't know what to expect.
- What she spoiled? - Yeah.
I wasn't spoiled! - You were really strict.
- No, no, no.
- You were super strict.
- I don't think so.
- Yes, you were.
- I think you were very spoiled.
Take it outside, girls.
Take it outside.
She was loud and boisterous.
Was she a good dancer when she was growing up? Not maybe as good as she could've been.
Are you of the same opinion as the rest of us in that, everything I've seen you in, Sunetra, - the camera absolutely loves you.
- Oh.
It just loves you.
You look better on camera than you do now.
- Mammy.
- Yes, love? Would you like to take Bisakha into the kitchen and see how Chef Aly is doing? I would love to take Bisakha in the kitchen and have a little chat.
Please allow me.
No, you're only just over knee surgery, so I want to make it nice and easy for you.
You fall with me.
Well, if I fall with you, we fall together.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Now, she said Sunetra wasn't a precocious child.
Have a look at that.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I was about ten! So this would have been one of her first head shots, I think? Yes.
She really photographs so well.
When you see her up close, it's different.
Isn't that beautiful? Look at that! - AUDIENCE: - Oooh! - I know! You look at that and you think, "Casualty.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Tell me about the basics for Indian dancing.
Could you teach me some small moves? I don't want to go mad.
Yes.
- Aly! Come on, come on! - I'm busy now! - Come on! You're going to learn to dance.
- OK.
- Put one hand on your waist.
Aly, come on! - One hand on your waist.
- And one over there.
And one over there, like this? And we'll just move our hips like that.
- I can do this! - Yeah, that's right.
- Yes! - That is a movement.
- OK.
Time for a bit of music, let me try that.
MUSIC: Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny) by The Pussycat Dolls AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's go and see what Aly's So Now, my mother used to do a - So, I see peppers in here.
- Yeah.
- Is that a Dublin Bay prawn? He's a big boy, a big prawn, yeah.
They are big boys! - Yes.
So this is the prawn and this is the sauce? This is the curry sauce.
Be very careful at home.
It's not easy to cook and you don't want to buy your curry from anywhere.
Don't buy it from a garage, for instance.
Buy it in a garage, you think it's hot going down, you want to feel it coming out! I'm looking forward to tasting that.
Will we go back in and see what the girls are doing? - Thank you very much.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Bisakha.
APPLAUSE - Now, Michael.
- Yeah? - You're famous for your powerful voice.
- Thank you.
I think we'd all love to hear it at full force.
CHEERING - I've an idea.
- What? Powerful or not, with your voice, from there, I bet you can't wake up Sleepy Dopey here.
- Well, let's find out! - Yes, go on, try it! Shall I do the last bit of Love Changes Everything? Oh, that would be beautiful, yes.
The big money note, as it's known.
Take it away, Michael.
# Love will never, never let you be # The.
Sa-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa-me APPLAUSE He's still alive! It didn't work.
Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ball.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Mammy, I think we should get Chef Aly in with today's dishes.
Well, let me go and help him.
It's beautiful.
Wait till you see what he has.
Aly, bring it in.
APPLAUSE There's an awful lot of balls! Oh Oh I'm joking! - That looks amazing.
- Are they real? Wow, Aly.
Well, what have we got here? We've got prawn curry with all the condiments.
We've got profiter-balls for Michael Ball.
- APPLAUSE - Aww, profiter-balls! Well, while Aly dishes up some of the curry, I'm going to take some up to the audience and see what the audience think of them.
Let me just try that one there.
Would you like a? Hey, hey! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Step away from the eclairs! Just cos it went past you doesn't mean it's for you! There you go.
Isn't it lovely? Look at that, the presentation.
Look at the way the roses It's gorgeous, isn't it? No.
There you go.
Our PE teacher.
So, guys, what do you think? It's stunning.
I'm so glad I came.
Beautiful.
Sunetra, is it better than your mammy's? I can't say that with mum sitting next to me.
It's just as good as, honestly.
As good as.
That's a great compliment.
- Bisakha, is that nice? - Very nice.
It's really something I've never tasted before.
Thank you very much.
It's supposed to be fuckin' curry! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Aly, you blew it! Well, that's all we have time for on The Cathy Brown Show tonight.
A huge thanks to all my guests - Michael Ball, Sunetra Sarker APPLAUSE .
.
Bisakha and, of course, Chef Aly! Next week, we'll be joined by Oh, no.
There is no next week.
AUDIENCE MOAN We'll see you again soon, but, for now, it's over to Father Damien and Trevor for Thought For The Day.
Goodnight! APPLAUSE Good evening.
And God bless you all.
I'm sure some of you are tired after a long day's work.
And some of you are just going to work now.
Night people.
People we know, like Martin in the fire service, or Liam, who's a police officer.
Or Jennifer Murphy, who's in personal security or, as she likes to call it, the escort service.
Whatever.
The point is, whether you work day or night, ask yourself, what questions did you ask God today? He's there to answer all of your questions.
Questions like, which is better - the iPhone or the Samsung 7? - No.
- No.
Serious questions like, am I living up to my potential? Or should I visit a friend who may be in prison? Or is it worth buying my mother out of the army? What? God is, like, there for you.
Like that extra bit of leverage you need when your nuts are too tight and you're trying to change a flat tyre.
You ask the question, He'll find the answer.
Yes.
Many of the answers you're looking for, they're in here.
Is like a Wikipedi-Jesus.
Well, that's my tip for the day.
And don't thank me - thank Jesus AMERICAN ACCENT: .
.
for puttin' the love in ma heart.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
APPLAUSE You do know the Samsung Galaxy 7 goes on fire? Only your one, Damien.
Pfff! Ooh-ooh! Ah! Ooh! APPLAUSE You know, the best thing about being a mammy is doing the lovely things for your children that make them happy, like buying them pets.
You know, yeah Children.
It's only when Christmas comes you understand why some animals eat their buckin' young.
When you buy your pet, you might hurt the pet, like, kill it.
Well, you just buy them another pet, just like that.
Sometimes you might accidentally kill that one, too.
Isn't that right, Anita Kelly? Oh, no! Yes, Anita Kelly, you're our Mammy of the Week! Come on down and join me.
Come on.
CHEERING Anita, every week, we reward a wonderful mother with this, the Mammy of the Week Award, and you've been nominated by your beautiful daughter.
Look at her up there.
Charlotte.
She wanted you to be our Mammy of the Week, and this is why.
Hi, Mam, I've nominated you to be Mammy of the Week, because I think you're simply the best.
But you're also a total nightmare.
My mam thinks it's really funny to loudly fart in public and blame us! She does it all the time.
Totally gross.
We used to have a really cute little hamster when I was young.
One day, Mam got it out of the cage and accidentally dropped me on top of it, completely squashing the poor thing.
She just ends up bumping into everything - bollards, other cars, even walls.
Then we got a second hamster and this time, she accidentally cooked it in the oven.
Hamsters really don't do so well in our house.
She really likes to throw things and it's Dad that gets the brunt of it.
He's had pretty much everything thrown at him over the years - toasters, hairdryers, you name it.
There's still a dent in the wall from where she threw a knife at him, which he says is a constant reminder to stay on her good side.
So, despite all those things that drive us crazy, you really are a superwoman that does everything for us.
You've helped me so much and we all think you're amazing.
She's really been a rock for all of us.
We don't know what we'd do without you.
APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER Well, our last show and we end up giving an award to a serial killer.
Apart from killing pets and trying to assassinate your husband, they say you're a very cool mum.
You're a big fan of Olly Murs.
- I am, yeah.
- Have you got all his albums? - Yeah.
Well, Anita, how would you like to come upstairs with me and I'll show you what's in my box? I'd love to see what's in your box.
Follow me.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE # It's going to make you think # It's going to rock your socks When you see what's in Mammy's Box.
APPLAUSE Anita, it's time for you to play Mrs Brown's Box.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Let me tell you what's going to happen here now.
They're all covered in A knife! You threw a feckin' knife! OK, so you can pick, you know, if you want, Grandad, - who's very weak and frail.
- Yeah.
Dino, who, God love him, he's very littleor Buster.
They all have chocolates, manicures, flowers, wine, chocolate, flowers, a year's supply of tea, manicure, and the golden key.
You have to hit that really hard when you're doing it.
That key is really well stuck on, you have to hit that so hard, but I don't have to tell you that, because you throw knives.
So it's up to you if you want Dino, Grandad or Buster.
- Dino.
- Dino? I'll just do it one more time.
Do you want Dino, Grandad or Buster? Dino.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You two, get out.
OK, Dino it is! Dino! Come into the middle, Dino.
Dino, she's obviously a big fan, she's going to beat the shit out of you.
Now, there's your magic tea towel and I have mine here just in case you need backup.
LAUGHTER It wasn't supposed to be like this! Knock off as many as you can, as hard as you can.
Don't forget - as hard as you can.
Your time starts when I say "go" and it ends when you hear the gong.
You have to hit them really hard to get them off.
OK, and go! CHEERING That was close! Now, let's see what's left.
I make it 361 euros.
APPLAUSE Pick up all these stars.
You did really well.
You did really, really well.
Let's see what you've got here.
- Chocolates, lovely.
AUDIENCE: - Oooh! - A year's supply of tea.
- Ooh! You look like you prefer whisky.
Cinema tickets, there you go, very nice.
- Oh, a manicure! - Ooh! Look at her nails, she doesn't need a manicure.
And the key to Mrs Brown's Box! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You take the key off that now and I'll go and get Mrs Brown's Box.
Lovely stuff.
I'll open this like that.
Dino's taking his breath there.
OK, let's see what you've won.
APPLAUSE Olly Murs tickets! Congratulations, Anita Kelly, our Mammy of the Week.
Thank you! If you could just tidy him up a bit, I'd appreciate it.
And, actually, tidy the place up a bit as well.
I have to go to the pub.
Anita Kelly, ladies and gentlemen! APPLAUSE Thank you so much.
Can I help you, son? Erm, we're here to play for you, I think.
SHE CHUCKLES Show me buckin' ID.
No, Mammy, that's our band.
They're playing here tonight.
It's The Vamps! THEY SQUEAL CHEERING AND APPLAUSE A gay band, fantastic.
Tell me, now, I know you boys are going to sing your, er - What's the hit called? - All Night is the song, yeah.
You're going to sing all night? No, not all night, son, you can only Four minutes, that's it, you're out of here.
But can I ask you for a special request? Of course, yeah.
I like the oldies, you know? One of my favourites of all time is a song called Mack The Knife.
- Would you know it? - We do, actually, yeah.
- You do know it? Would you mind giving me a couple of bars? # Oh, the shark, babe # Has such teeth, dear # And it shows them # Pearly white # Just a jack-knife # Has old MacHeath, babe And he keeps it out of sight.
APPLAUSE You go get ready and you can tell me a little bit more about the band.
Where are you gigging next? We've got, er, we go on tour.
We're doing an arena tour around the UK, so feel free to come along if you're free.
Oh, you're very kind.
The "free" bit is the bit I'm interested in.
Free, yeah.
You're a fine young man.
In a few years, you're going to get feelings, son.
OK.
You're going to want to be around girls and that.
OK, OK.
- If any of you need any advice - Come to you? You'd better believe it.
I'm going to go and get ready now, OK? APPLAUSE Here they are, singing All Night, The Vamps! RORY SQUEALS Here we go! # I've been up all night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # All night, no sleep Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming How are we feeling tonight? CHEERING Let me see you off your feet, stand up, stand up! # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # Sometimes I tend to lose myself # Out there on my own # I never seem to get it right # But I guess that's how it goes, yeah # Ever since you came around # Can't nobody hold me down # You showed me how to find myself # When I needed it the most # I've been up all night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # All night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # Wide awake, that's OK # As long as I'm with you # I'll be up all night, no sleep Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming Make some noise! CHEERING # As long as I'm with you # I feel like I'm always dreaming # And I'm never going to find my way # If I don't learn to let go # The past is the past Today is today # And there's things I can't control # The circles underneath my eyes # Tell the truth that I've been trying to hide # See, I've been waiting for you way too long # Won't you come and take me home? # Oh, I, I'm praying this ain't all a dream # Can you, you # Wake me up before you leave? # I've been up all night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # All night, no sleep # Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming # Wide awake, that's OK # As long as I'm with you # I'll be up all night, no sleep Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming Let me hear you screaming! CHEERING # As long as I'm with you # I feel like I'm always dreaming # No-oo-oo, na-na # As long as I'm with you Cos I feel like I'm always dreaming.
Thank you very much! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well Well, another wonderful night with Sunetra Sarker, Michael Ball and The Vamps.
Weren't they just magnificent? For children, they were wonderful! And, of course, Yvette, who was in the haunted house.
Wonderful, wonderful guests, and that's it now for this series.
I hope you enjoyed it all.
AUDIENCE MOAN Well, I hope you enjoyed some of it anyway.
I have to tell you, I enjoyed every bit of it.
We had the most wonderful guests and the thing that they all had in common is that none of them took themselves seriously.
Sometimes you have to do that, you know.
Let go.
Try it.
Go on.
Open your heart and take a risk.
There's no feeling like it in the world.
Well, maybe making love to George Clooney.
But, apart from that Or Matt Damon.
Maybe Matt Yes, OK, Matt Damon.
Be good to each other.
Goodnight.
APPLAUSE # Make a date, don't be late # Cos you know it's going to be great # When the irrepressible Browns come to town # To begin, just tune in # And you'll wear a nuclear grin # Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown # Instead of feeling depressed # Let laughter make you feel blessed So it's all round to Mrs Brown's.
APPLAUSE