Allen Gregory (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Allen Gregory 1x06 Mom Sizemore Ya, ya Ya, ya Allen Gregory Allen, Allen.
Now, in humans, just like all mammals, a baby is made when a man fertilizes a woman's egg.
And then about nine months later, the woman gives birth.
- Bit close-minded, don't you think? - I don't know.
Allen Gregory, did you have a question? Actually, yes, I do.
Has a homeless person ever woken up while you were stealing their clothes and tried to fight you for them? Okay.
Do you have a question about the lesson? Yes, I do have a question-- you're teaching it wrong.
Okay, you're being very disrespectful.
Well, maybe you should respect the intelligence of your students and at least mention that women aren't the only ones who can have children.
My father birthed me, and I think we can all agree that turned out pretty darn well.
Hold up a second.
You don't have a mom? Who doesn't have a mom? (laughing) I don't.
Yeah, but that's 'cause your mom died.
That's cool.
This dingus never had one.
(kids laughing) Calm down, calm down.
Allen Gregory had a mother.
No.
I don't think he did.
That's not possible.
Even someone with two fathers has a biological mother.
Yeah, all right, Gina, then I guess My Two Dads wasn't a hit TV show, and I guess Paul Reiser's not a huge comedic influence on everybody.
What? ALLEN: And if I hadn't stepped up in there, those kids would be When the man gives birth? Okay.
What else is in the news? Dad, don't let her off the hook that easy.
No one gave you "the talk," Julie? All right, I'll explain it.
When two men love each other, one man puts his "stork" inside the other man's "storkhole" All right Men don't give birth.
Of course they do.
I'll show you.
Oh, not the album.
Jeremy, hand me the album.
- Look, here I am, clearly pregnant.
JULIE: Clearly.
There I am again when the doctor handed me the baby that he pulled out of my storkhole.
See? That's settled.
Now, who wants to go splitsies on a Luna Bar? Richard, I think you should tell him the truth.
Jeremy, what are you babbling about? The truth is right there in that album.
It's not like you can take a photo and somehow shop it up to make it look different.
Right, Dad? It's okay, Rich.
Okay, I'm gonna come clean.
I didn't technically give birth to you.
Allen Gregory, you have a mother.
ALLEN: How could you lie to me?! You're a coward! Look at me, you coward! (loud slap) Don't you dare look at me! Okay, think that's out of my system.
Tell me about my mother.
Uh, well, she was Famous? Who is she? Is she A-list? Is it Cameron Diaz? Please don't say it's Cammy D.
Although, it would've been Cameron Diaz seven years ago, so Yeah, it's not Cameron Diaz.
Oh, thank God.
I nearly had a heart attack.
So, where's my mom? I don't know, Allen Gregory.
And you shouldn't look for her.
But why not? I mean, all the other kids have mothers; I want to meet mine.
The truth is, you do have a mother.
And he's the prettiest mommy in town.
Are there better options out there? No question.
But I'm sleepy.
So what do you say we settle for good ol' Jeremy? Thanks for helping me out, Carl-Trent.
Hey, I love finding people as much as I love hiding them.
Now, you sit tight.
I'll be right back.
Bleep-bloop-bee-boop, blip-boo-bee-bee.
Waiting for my friend Carl-Trent in the car Drive, white boy! Drive! Oh, my God! Okay! (tires squealing) Oh, my God! Carl-Trent, what's going on? Everything was going smooth until that lady asked me was there anything else she could do for me.
I punched her square in the stomach and lit a small fire in the trash can.
I had to, Allen Gregory.
But as sure as small fires become big fires, I grabbed your mother's file and was out the door.
- Thanks, Carl-Trent.
- No, thank you.
I enjoyed it.
(siren wailing) ALLEN: That's her.
Sheila Bronstein, female.
File says she's a "surrogate"? Ah, yeah.
That's what you want.
I dated a half-surrogate, half-Indonesian girl once.
Ah, Tamantha.
She stole my laptop, Allen Gregory, but she also stole my heart.
Ah, screw it, though, right? (sighs) Here we go, old chum.
I'm about to meet my mother.
Want me to go in with you? Bum-rush the owner if things get weird? No, Carl-Trent.
I gotta bang this one out on my own.
Well, hey there, little guy.
Can I get you a glass of juice or something? No juice.
Coffee.
Black as night.
Okay.
Are you here by yourself? No.
I'm here with (whispers): my mom.
Now, why'd you whisper that? (whispers): Don't worry about it.
And what's the holdup with the coffee? Feel like I ordered it 45 minutes ago.
Oh, right, yeah.
I'll go grab that.
Here's your coffee.
Are you sure your mom's here? I didn't see anyone come in with ya.
Oh, she's here.
And she's beautiful.
Well, like how everyone says Maggie Gyllenhaal is, but Right.
Here, let me get this out of your way.
No.
Leave it.
Hmm.
How much do I owe you for the java? Dollar fifty.
Ahh Oh, you forgot your change.
Keep it.
If you even know how to keep something and not abandon it.
Everything all right, Sheila? Oh, yeah, no, everything's fine.
It's just, that kid (door slams) (grunting) Who are you--? Why--? Who are--? Ow.
Why? Why is this--? Old school right there, baby.
You guys should've seen her.
My mom shoveling hash at some greasy spoon.
Was she nice? Yes.
Poor people are always nice, Patrick.
They have to be, otherwise we put them in jail.
Allen Gregory, um, can I have the floor? You don't have to ask his permission to talk.
Val, the floor is yours.
Permission granted, go.
Well, I was just wondering, what's the play here? You know, what's your next move? What's the end game? That's a good question, Valerie.
And the answer is this: I'm gonna get my family back together.
How? And that's why we're here.
Let's pitch out some ideas.
Patrick? Um, call them and tell them? Wow, thank you.
I did not realize a bar could be set that low, Patrick.
Julie, what do you got? I'm not participating in this.
All right.
Beth? You could severely injure yourself on purpose so they stop fighting and focus all their attention on you and they bond over feeling sorry for you? Okay.
Well, I think we've got enough to get started.
Pat, we're on the move.
I'm still eating O-kay.
Hello, ma'am.
Can I help you? Uh, yeah.
I lost my phone, and I got a message saying I could pick it up here.
Oh, yes.
Right this way.
Hi.
Are you the person that has my phone? No.
Are you the person that has my Zune? - No.
- Oh.
Then who are you? Get a room, you two.
I'm totally kidding; you can do it right here on the table if you want.
- What'd I miss? - Allen Gregory, what's going on? Sparks are flying between you and Mom, that's what's going on.
Here are your gadgets back, you two lovebirds.
"Mom"? Whoa, wait, you're that boy from last night.
Oh, I see what's happening here.
Yep.
This is wild.
My Zune is detecting other Zunes in the area that it can share music with How does it do that? Oh, no, I was gonna say that I was a surrogate mother when I was younger, and I think this boy tracked me down because he's my son.
Right.
And the Zune stuff, too.
They're both happening.
Phew.
You could cut the sexual tensh with a knife.
Tell me everything.
How'd you guys meet? Well, we didn't.
I went to a clinic.
They put me in a room with a cup and A cup; so romantic.
And, Mom, when did you realize Dad was the one? I guess when the check cleared, and they fertilized me with his sperm.
It's like a fairy tale with you two.
And then you got into a car accident, got amnesia, forgot you had a son, whatever.
I don't need the details! Oh, I never forgot.
Okay.
Well, Sheila, it was great seeing you, and we should do our own stuff from here.
I think what my dad is saying is, we have the rest of our lives to swap stories.
We're a family now.
I fixed us some sandwiches for later, and there's iced tea in the cooler.
Mom, you are killin' it right now.
Well, everyone buckle up.
It's time for Family Day, I guess.
(elevator bell dings) Well, I think we can all agree that Family Day was a success.
Oh, Julie, good to see you feeling better.
I wasn't sick.
No one woke me up.
Yeah.
Jeremy, at do you say we go wrangle up all your crap out of the master bedroom and get you set up on the ol' couch, huh? Why? We have a guest.
Jeremy, meet Sheila.
You spent the whole day together - Where's she supposed to sleep? - The guest room? Why are we gonna mess up the guest room when she can sleep upstairs with Dad, and you can sleep down here on the couch? Okay, guess that makes sense.
This is so crazy, Richard.
I always fantasized about one day meeting my son.
And now here I am.
And I really feel like there's something happening.
You know, with him and with you.
Uh-huh.
You're being pushed out, you know.
Pushed out? No, Julie, this is temporary.
It's just while Allen Gregory's mom is here.
I'm gonna crash on the couch, give her my key because we don't have any spares, take my name off the mailbox, but only since the building has a two name on the mailbox max Don't be such a sap, Jeremy.
Julie, you're being silly.
It's great for Allen Gregory, and if Richard wanted to replace me, it certainly wouldn't be with a woman.
It'd be with the Sparkletts guy; he's told me that.
Yeah, I guess I'm just silly.
Silly, silly Julie.
Now, every state has a capital Oh, boy.
Where is it? Where is it? This is not good.
I think I left my lunch at home.
Allen Gregory, I'm not doing this with you today.
I'm not doing it! I don't want to do it either, Gina.
I never want to do it.
But who from my home and family will bring me, a young lunch-less boy, my afternoon meal? (knocking) Ooh, sorry to interrupt.
I'm Allen Gregory's mom.
Now, this is embarrassing.
Ugh, it's my mom, everybody.
What did you do? Hire a mom? Hey, everybody, he hired a mom! (all laughing) No, I'm his real mom.
Oh, sorry, Mrs.
De Longpre.
He forgot his lunch.
Ugh, I am the worst.
I swear I'd forget my Gucci watch if it wasn't so expensive.
See you at home, sweetie.
Allen Gregory, your mom is nice.
My mom was nice, too-- before she got murdered.
Ian, that was three months ago.
Get over it.
ALLEN: Hey, gang.
Why don't you two grab your coats and meet me downstairs? Why? What's going on? What's going on? I can't take you two out to dinner? Come on, grab your coats.
Bus is leaving.
You gave my coat to a stray dog because you said I didn't deserve to be warm.
Okay, Julie, then grab a sweater.
I'm not here to split hairs.
I'm here to have a mealio with my familio Estevez.
Okay, bud.
Let's go.
Sounds like fun.
And Jeremy, remember, when life gives you lemons, just be cool about it, okay? All right, dig in, guys.
Jeremy, go ahead and give that egg roll a dip in the ol' blue cheese.
You'll thank me later.
Mmm.
Oh, that's pretty good.
See? I treat you good.
You know I've always been in your corner, right? - Have you? - But I think we can all agree it's time for us to cut our losses.
- What are you talking about? - My mom and dad love each other, Jeremy.
There's just no room for you in that equation.
Are you trying to push me out? Silly Julie.
I'm doing what's best for this family.
Dad doesn't love you anymore.
I don't believe you.
(phone ringing) Ooh, put that thought on hold real quick.
I got to take this.
Hey, papa bear.
Hey, baby bear.
So, um, quick question.
Have you been happy with this whole mom-family situation? Absolutely.
I mean, seeing you two together has made me happier than I've ever been.
Okay.
Just making sure.
Bye, now.
Richard, I'm ready for you.
Do you want me? Yes, that's exactly what I want.
Just let meshen up.
(panting) Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, Rich? I'm coming! You can do this, Richard.
It's for your son.
Just pretend the vagina is a normal body part.
Ah, so good.
This is a quesadilla.
There's no way this is what your dad wants.
Come on, Jer, les not draw this out, pal.
Just leave a forwarding address, we'll make sure you get your racquetball trophies or whatever it is you own, and here-- take some walking around money.
Hey, take Julie if you want.
Show you there's no hard feelings.
I'm going to talk to Richard.
(Richard and Sheila moan passionately) RICHARD: Mmm.
Ow.
SHEILA: Mm-hmm.
Ow.
RICHARD: Aah.
No, I can't! This is all wrong! Why are you facing me?! - (both gasp) Richard, I-- - What the hell is going on here?! Oh, no.
Jeremy.
This is exactly what it looks like.
Jeremy! How could you do this to me? It's not like that.
I'm doing this for Allen Gregory.
I guess he was right.
There's no room for me in this family anymore.
Wait! Don't go.
Could you throw on a me-mask, go in there, and finish her off? A me-mask? Yeah, a mask of my face.
You actually have one of those? No! I thought that you would have one.
Good-bye, Richard.
Well, I guess I died peacefully in my sleep because it smells like heaven in here.
Oh.
And there's even an angel.
Morning, Mom.
Morning, Allen Gregory.
Morning, Sheila.
Oh, Julie, come on, call me "Mom.
" I have to be honest, Mom, I don't totally get what you're going for with that joke, but I do respect that it's a shot at Julie.
It's not a shot at Julie; she's part of this family, too.
You should be nicer to your sister.
Boom! Got her again.
Dad, have you heard any of Mom's "Julie material"? It's a little broader than our stuff, but it's pretty great.
That's nice.
Oh, by the way, we'll be joining Mrs.
Zadak's carpool this week.
So Il be picking you and your friends up at 3:00.
Oh, perfect.
Knowing Zadak, he'll probably want me to just hop out at his spot so we can go raise some hell.
Freak out the squares.
Okay, well, that'll be fine, as long as all your chores are done.
These are evenly divided between you and Julie.
That's adorable.
Well, your father and I think that a little structure is going to be a good thing for you, Allen Gregory.
Right, Richard? That's right.
Listen to your mother.
So at that point, I'm watching my husband's son's surrogate mother having sex in my bed with the man who made me leave the wife and kids that I loved.
So, you can imagine how I feel.
Sure, uh, you're jealous of the lady because she was having sex with this Richard guy? No, I'm not jealous of that.
But you are sad? Uh, I definitely don't like how I feel.
Maybe you're just feeling betrayed.
You're surprised that you got stabbed in the back.
No.
I mean, that was always happening to me.
But you miss it? You want that family back? (wry chuckle): Well, I mean, I want something.
You miss the kid.
The kid was nice.
Steve, I know you just met me, but you do not get it at all.
Well, it doesn't seem like you do either.
You got me there, brother.
Right? And you're gay or? Top me off.
Frankfort goes with Kentucky.
- Go ahead, lay it on me.
I can take it.
- Um, okay.
Allen Gregory, yo mama is so pretty that all the other mamas are jealous.
Whoo! Brutal.
Excellent Yo Mama joke, Patrick.
Allen Gregory, stop talking in my classroom! Gina, your classroom is a studio apartment filled with scented candles and a dusty yoga mat.
I'll pop by, though, if I want to hear the sound of a grown woman's tears hitting her high school yearbook.
That's it.
I am talking to your mother about your behavior.
Gina! Ian is right there.
It's okay.
Joel says I'm over it.
And you are.
Feels good, right? I mean Good man.
Hey, Mom, we may want to get this show on the road.
Gina's been picking fights, trying to feel like a "big man.
" I think you're next on her hit list.
- Your teacher wants to talk to me? - What's going on? Well, Allen Gregory has been extremely disrespectful in class.
He's been talking during the lessons, distracting his classmates, and he's been saying very hurtful things.
Go ahead, Mom, lace into her.
Little whack on the can might do her some good.
Shut your mouth, Allen Gregory.
Ms.
Winthrop, I want to apologize for my son's behavior, and I think he owes you an apology as well.
Okay, Mom, well, looks like everyone made their point here.
We can just go home.
Apologize to your teacher.
Well, Gina, life has certainly dealt you a rough hand, and you have my sympathies.
That's not an apology.
We will stand here until you say you're sorry.
(whispers): I'm sorry.
Hey, these kids' parents have got to be expecting them, no? We ought to hit it, huh? We should hit it? I don't think she heard you.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I accept your apology.
(laughter) He was forced to apologize, but he didn't want to.
And I promise this will never happen again.
ALLEN: That can never happen again! You need to take a long, hard look at yourself, buster! What kind of mother sides with some schoolteacher against her own son? You are grounded, young man.
Go to your room! I'm my room, Sheila! They're all my room! I made you! I finished all my chores on the list.
Can I go to Val's to watch Bones? Of course, Julie.
Of course you can go watch Bones.
Why can't you be more like your sister? Wow! Dad, you need to get your bitch on a leash.
(mumbles): Listen to your mother, Allen Gregory.
Dad, what? You never let Jeremy talk to me like this.
Jeremy's gone.
(TV playing) Aw, no, no, Bones, don't go in there! (knocking) Hey, guy.
Good to see you landed on your feet.
Nice digs.
What are you doing here? Look, Jeremy, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
Come home.
You don't want to live in this rotten dump.
But you just said, "Nice digs.
" We both said things we didn't mean.
But I'm here to tell you that you can take them all back and come live with us again.
I'm a life preserver, Jeremy-- grab me.
Allen Gregory, you and your dad really hurt my feelings.
I don't want to go back there.
Well, I guess that's that, then.
Yup.
That's that.
You know, it's funny.
I actually came down here thinking I could use reverse psychology on you.
But I'd never be able to pull off something like that.
I'm too stupid.
Hey, come on, don't say that.
You're not stupid.
No, I am.
I never would have gotten you to fall for it.
I don't know; I might have.
If it was done well.
What were you gonna say? Ah, I was just gonna say that you'd never be able to get Richard back.
And then I was gonna say it was because you're not half as sexy as Sheila is, and, you know (chuckles): Boy, oh, boy.
That is pretty slick.
That definitely would've rattled me.
'Cause it's not true; I'm an attractive man.
Yeah, but you're no Sheila.
And she's a ten.
On whose scale? I've been called a ten.
Have you? Okay.
Yeah.
I mean, it doesn't matter.
Now, hang on.
It does matter.
- Go in there and get 'em, killer.
- Right.
Because I want to.
Yeah, nobody tricked you, bud.
This was all you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, are you the man who lost his Zune? Jeremy.
Oh, Jeremy, I lost so much more than that.
I've been a big, fat storkhole, haven't I? Yeah, you have.
(whispers): Come back to Daddy.
If I do, you guys need to start treating me better, okay? There are gonna be some serious changes.
Oh, Jeremy.
Of course you would say that.
Sheila, can you stop whatever it is you're doing over there? I want you to pack your bags.
You're moving out.
Oh, I was already moving out, Richard.
This clearly wasn't working.
Don't try and save face, Sheila.
We're throwing you out on your ass.
Oh, no, I'm leaving-- by choice-- because you are a horrible child who says terrible things to people.
And Richard, I don't know if you know this about yourself, but you are a gay man.
- Maybe the gayest man I've ever met.
- Oh, am I? I got swept up in the idea of wanting to be in my son's life.
But you are a family of awful people.
Except Julie, she's sweet.
Wait, what did I do? Well, Mom, I guess this is it.
If I'm ever in the ghetto where you work, I'll look you up.
Good-bye, Allen Gregory.
I tried to be a good mother to you.
I don't want a good mother.
(elevator bell dings) I want Jeremy.
Did Sheila just move out? - Yes, she did.
- Oh, (bleep) me.
You know, even though she's the worst person I've ever been forced to deal with, I'm gonna miss her.
Yeah, and the crazy part is, she's not even your mom.
What? What do you mean? What don't I mean?! I was only inside the Hall of Records for, like, 30 seconds.
You think I had time to look anything up? I just grabbed a random file and beat feet out of there.
Oh, come on! I told you when we got in the car.
No, you didn't.
I said it.
I said, "This is almost certainly not your mother's file.
Do not look for this woman.
" That is definitely not what you said, Carl-Trent.
I wouldn't have done anything I did if you had said that.
Well, I did, Allen Gregory.
I said it! Carl-Trent, just take me home.
You got it, champ.
- Hey, Allen Gregory? - Yeah? I never said it.
I know, buddy, I know.