Ally Mcbeal s01e06 Episode Script

- Isn't it beautiful? - Yeah.
- It's kind of old.
- I think it's perfect.
I can't wait to take lessons again.
- Can you play anything now? - "Heart and Soul" and "Chopsticks.
" Oh! Wait, wait, wait.
Let's see Good night, my someone Good night That's from The Music Man.
My mom sang that to us all the time.
Sleep tight, my someone Sleep tight My lo Lo L Lo - I can never get that note right.
- Tell me about it.
True love can be whispered From heart to heart When lovers are parted They say But I must depend on a wish and a star As long as my heart doesn't know who you are This is a sad song.
It's about a lady who's got nobody, so she sings to an imaginary someone.
- It's about a lady who's - Just like us.
- I hate pianos.
- Maybe I can sell it.
I've been down this road The Promise Walking the line That's painted by pride And I have made mistakes in my life That I just can't hide Oh, I believe I am ready For what love has to bring I got myself together Now I'm ready to sing I've been searching my soul tonight I know there's so much more to life Now I know I can shine a light To find my way back home Oh, baby, yeah Oh, yeah Get an injunction so they can't sell ice cream? How can I attach the real estate? They don't expect to win, just that we be aggressive.
Aggressive we'll be.
Harry Pippin's opposing, so be ready when he comes.
- Who's Harry Pippin? - Fat.
Moves like continental drift.
They move his case to the top.
- What do you mean? - Because of his condition the judges don't punish him for being late.
He comes in arguing his case, so when he enters, you jump in.
- Thank you.
- Pleasure.
New client, Sandra Winchell, F.
O.
W.
I promised we'd help.
- What's F.
O.
W? - Friend of Whipper.
Arrested for prostitution.
A conviction means jail.
John, you've visited the subject matter The Whip has cracked.
Conjugals could be at stake.
- I'll meet with her.
- Great.
I'd like you to second chair.
That prudism you waft could benefit us.
Teamwork.
- Richard! - The glitch: She fired her old lawyer.
Trial's today.
- What? - New counsel, you'll get a continuance.
- Can't John file for it? - I don't do criminal motion practice.
- Why not? - You'll be there anyway on the ice cream case Whoa.
Whoa.
Hi.
- What have you got for me today? - Hi.
Oh, please.
She almost asked me a question.
I said, "Don't spoil it.
" - I want no audio attached to her.
- What year is this? - This is not a time for words.
- Not a time for words? Give them law degrees, dress them up, but in the end? - Neanderthals! - Come on, Ally.
You can't blame us for looking at that.
Can't blame you for looking? For acting like? Are they playing a prank on me? That is nature at its best out there.
Richard Kiley should narrate her.
She's stupid, and soon gravity will get her.
Come on, boys club.
Free that hooker.
I get vice cases.
I've convicted your client.
Have you met her? No, but she's Whipper's friend.
So will you agree to the continuance? Yes, yeah.
I have to wait here till my ice cream case I will cover you.
No likelihood of success on the merits.
Court has affidavits, financial statements.
- My client can satisfy any judgment.
- That's Pippin, my ice cream case.
Ally McBeal for the plaintiff! In 15 years of law I haven't been so shocked.
- I'm denying the plaintiff's motion.
- Thank you.
Move for costs, attorney's fees and sanctions abuse of process, frivolous prosecution, Rule 11.
- It's shocking.
- You lose on that.
- Sorry to hear that, Your Honor.
- But The defendant is far from judgment-proof.
I can't attach property no matter the merits.
We're done.
Ally McBeal, counsel for the plaintiff.
- Nice to meet you.
- I was hoping we could settle.
It's silly, two ice cream chains fighting.
We want your guy to not call his store Mike's.
- That's his name.
- I understand but he sold the franchise as Mike's and calls his new chain Mike's.
What my client feels he paid for is the trademark name Mike's.
You see, that asset is devalued if Are you all right? Mr.
Pippin? Oh, my God, Mr.
Pippin! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Somebody call 911! - I've got a cell phone.
Oh, God.
Did he hit his head? Oh, God.
Okay, here we go.
Come on, Mr.
Pippin, come on! Breathe, just breathe! Okay, okay.
- He's breathing! - Check his pulse.
You saved his life.
Not before he ate a Spanish omelet.
God, the onions! - Is my skin breaking out? - Not yet.
Are you okay? - Yeah.
- We'd better go.
Our prostitution case is up in two minutes.
Are you okay? - Fine.
- Okay.
Commonwealth vs.
Sandra Winchell.
In as much as I've just been retained I request additional time to prepare my defense.
- Excuse me? - I know a stall when I see one.
- The D.
A.
Doesn't oppose continuance.
- I didn't ask.
That the D.
A.
Is for it is a reason for me to be against it.
I just got She should've fired her lawyer before voir dire.
We have a jury.
She had three prior continuances.
- It says "no further continuances.
" - Your Honor Shush! Shush? Say "ready for trial" or I schedule it in a year and revoke bail.
- You can't do that! - Ready for trial or no bail.
- In the interest of justice - I didn't ask.
Ready or not? Ready.
Today? She's had it continued up the wazoo, and the judge finally had enough.
This troubles me.
Otherwise he'd revoke bail and have it continued for a year.
We were kind of stuck.
You have any ideas? Have I bored you? - Let's proceed.
- With the trial? Yes.
- Today? - Yes.
- Because you're insane? - Yes.
I'll go gather myself.
- Ms.
McBeal? - Yeah.
I'm Angela Tharp, Harry Pippin's fiancée.
Oh! Oh, hey.
- Is he okay? - He's fine.
It wasn't a heart attack, just angina.
And we're getting married on Friday and, well the doctor thinks it was nerves.
- That's fantastic.
He's okay? - Yes, thanks to you.
He did lose oxygen, so if you hadn't have been there I just came to tell you how grateful I am.
- I'm just glad that I could help.
- Oh, you've helped.
He's He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Well, I think I'm here because you kind of saved my life too.
That's sweet.
- Can I give you a hug? - Sure.
- Oh, my God, I've broken you! - No, I'm fine.
- I feel terrible! - No, I pop out of alignment easily.
- It's me, it's me.
- Actually, I can fix that.
I'm not a chiropractor, but I work for one.
I think I'm really okay.
- It's right down here by the L-5.
- I'm really okay.
- Better? - Yeah, yeah, much.
Thanks.
I'm just gonna sit here for a second.
On the floor? Yeah, I love the floor.
- Will you come to the wedding? - Sure.
Great.
It's Friday, 6:00.
Great.
See you then.
See you then.
Bye.
Somebody's bound to come in here and help me up.
- Shouldn't you be at the courthouse? - I don't know how to defend this case.
- Vigorously.
- Thank you, I'm clear now.
- I can't even find John! - It's a question of burden of Proof.
Thanks.
- Do you have anything? - Just this.
She can really increase the blood flow, can't she? Don't you What? The date cost $ 1000.
Anything on top of the escort would be more.
What do you mean, "On top of the escort"? - Sex.
Sex was more.
- Did you pay more, Dr.
Carpenter? Yes, we agreed upon $ 700 for missionary intercourse.
And did the two of you We began to.
Then Special Agent Mackleroy entered and intervened.
- You were arrested? - I was.
Dr.
Carpenter, your relations with the defendant, it was sex for a fee? - That's correct.
- You're clear? I have the receipt.
I deduct it for stress therapy.
I see.
Thank you, sir.
Mr.
Cage? My name is John Cage.
How do you do, sir? Hi.
I have no questions, Your Honor.
I fell into your open arms And I didn't stand a chance Now listen, honey No cross? - Nothing.
He introduces himself to the client and sits down! - Is he a kook? - I don't know.
He pours water.
He unbuttons - Never mind.
- What? It's about the case and you are the enemy.
You're talking about Cage, I bet.
He's a kook.
Ally.
Harry, what are you doing out of the hospital? They released me.
Your office said I could find you here.
- What's the matter? - Could we talk in private? Maybe upstairs? Something is the matter, isn't it? One of my strengths as a trial lawyer is I can size people up fast.
I got a feeling about you.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying that in addition to being beautiful, I can tell you are compassionate.
And however remote the odds you can't win a raffle if you don't buy a ticket.
What are you saying? Do you think a person such as yourself could ever become interested in a person such as myself? Well, absolutely a person like me could like somebody like you.
Absolutely.
Do you think you could ever be interested in me? Well, um Harry Um Angela's a friend of mine.
What I mean is I've met her.
What I mean is you're marrying her Friday.
Yeah, I've come to reconsider that.
Because of me? - I never had a kiss like that before.
- Oh, Harry, I Don't get me wrong.
I love Angela.
It's It's just It's not a romantic love.
We're good friends with limited options.
She's not in love with you? Actually, she is.
It's one of the reasons I It's nice to have someone who loves you.
It's comfort, but No, but what? Comfort is good.
I'm not asking you to declare yourself, but if you think you might have the slightest inclination just to go out on a date to see if there's a scintilla of a chance.
I don't see the possibility.
Okay.
Like I said, you can't win the raffle if you don't buy a ticket.
I'll be leaving now.
And I'll be out of the room momentarily.
Okay.
You had to be honest.
- Really? - What would you do? Have him cancel his wedding, take him out to be nice? - You should have seen him sag.
- Can I ask you something? Why did you dismiss the idea of dating him? Well, he's - I just didn't think he was my type.
- You ruled him out instantly on looks.
- That's not true.
- How is it not? - You don't know him! - I knew enough.
I knew he was in questionable health.
I get nervous around people with heart conditions.
Why do you lie to me? Let's just admit the truth.
You eliminated with an eye-blink on looks alone! That is not It just isn't that simple.
The thought of the two of us on a date You get a vision of how the date might go.
Then you say yes or no, and I just couldn't picture the two of us.
The sad thing is in a movie, we'd both be rooting for the gal to date the guy.
I used to be a lawyer.
I worked in a downtown firm for six years.
- Which firm, ma'am? - Cubbings and Gil.
- You left to join the escort business? - Yes.
And the reason for your career change? I couldn't meet any interesting men, at least not single men.
The best ones, the most interesting, they were all married.
- They were asking me out.
- The married men? I should say they were asking me in.
And this impelled a change in your vocation? - In an odd way, yes.
- Could you elaborate? Well, married men, good men, were always hitting on me.
Every male friendship I've had, whether it be a love for Dickens the symphony, similar upbringings, whatever the basis for friendship they've almost always ended in the men wanting to sleep with me.
This drove you to the escort service? I concluded man as a species isn't suitable for long-term partnership.
Objection! - Withdrawn.
- No.
The objection is sustained.
I'm trying to make sense of this.
You hate men, so you became a call girl? I became cynical of long-term relationships.
Men stayed interested for finite periods of time so I chose to engage in finite relationships.
I need to make a living, so I get paid.
What kind of message does this send? I'm not trying to send any message.
I've been discreet.
- You only know because of my arrest.
- Let's be fair here you hardly lead a noble life.
No.
And I've never disappointed anyone pretending to be noble.
See the star witness? Doctor, community-minded, on the school committee, soccer coach.
He's noble.
He also pays me with his VISA to earn frequent flyer miles.
One might say you trapped him with your feminine wiles.
Sure.
But I didn't slither up to him wearing perfume.
He found me in the yellow pages.
Sorry.
The Commonwealth sees the humor.
I don't.
First time I saw a lawyer object to her witness.
Shut up.
The things she said about men and relationships you think a jury could buy that? You objected because we almost buy into it.
- We do not! - Do we meet interesting, single men? We're lawyers.
All we meet are male attorneys.
And that is a pathetic breed.
And I have yet to meet John.
Here is the exception.
Why are you lunching with the D.
A.
? - Renee and I live together.
- It's come to that.
No men.
We're in the middle of trial.
It's inappropriate to lunch with the D.
A.
Ally.
Harry Pippin is making his approach.
What brings you here? Just thought I'd pop in and say hi.
I talked to my client.
They'll change the name of the ice cream franchise if your client is willing to waive the anti-compete clause in Cambridge.
Well, that sounds like we could make it work.
- Great.
- Great.
Door.
Snappish.
So, um Anything else? I came to apologize for the time that I came before.
- That's okay.
- And I know Angela was here.
I feel like I put you on and in a spot, and it wasn't fair.
Oh, it's okay.
I was flattered.
Look, Ally Don't take this the wrong way.
I'm not courting you but But what? You know how I get a feeling about people? I get the sense that you're kind of the romantic type.
- Well - I'm not going your way with this.
You don't have to be concerned.
I just came for some advice.
- Your advice.
- Okay.
You know what I said earlier about Angela? I do love her.
Very much.
She'll be a great mother, and I want kids.
But it's like love out of appreciation.
And maybe convenience.
She's never made my heart bounce.
And sexually, I don't even think of her during I guess what I'm trying to ask you is do you think it's wrong for a person to marry another person not because she's the one, but because she's the only? You know I can't tell you whether you should marry Angela.
You know, I just got this piano.
And sometimes I sing the song called, "Goodnight, My Someone.
" And it's about Basically it's a love song to somebody that you've never met but you know is out there.
I mean, we make so few promises to ourselves as we grow up.
One of them is that we walk down the aisle with somebody we love.
Somebody who does make your heart bounce, I guess.
There are some promises that I think we just have to keep.
I come to you because you're the designated sensitive male.
- I beg your pardon? - The mail-room girl.
The one who saunters about with her ample bosom? - What about her? - The women don't like the gawk-fest.
We feel her continued presence together with the reactions, add to a hostile working environment.
We sure don't want to file, but It's probably best she doesn't make deliveries here anymore.
Whoa, whoa! As the designated sensitive male, maybe you should speak to Richard.
This isn't about the mating habits of the male species.
It's about, "Did she break the law?" The law says sex for money is a crime.
Sitting over there is a prostitute.
Proud and rich, I grant you.
But still a person who gives sex for a fee.
That's a crime.
You all know it.
Mr.
Cage? Hypocrisy troubles me greatly.
Today's biggest film actresses make upwards of $ 10 million per picture.
They only rise to that level if they'll simulate sex acts on film.
I say simulate.
That's merely for the intercourse.
Kissing, nibbling on nipples, tongues in ears and mouths groping of breasts and thighs, hands on penises, groins that's real.
That's actually going on.
These actresses may say they do it for some redeeming social value.
Well, that and a million bucks.
It happens at lesser levels.
Women employees sometimes gratify their male superiors in hopes that a promotion ensues.
It's not noble but it happens.
Sometimes.
We don't jail them.
Many women don't consider a man marriage material unless his income's in a certain bracket.
It happens.
Women marry for money.
We don't jail them.
The truth is sex has always been a currency for women.
Always.
Though often at a quid pro-blurry-quo, my client was honest.
She told the truth.
To that man and to you.
I apologize.
Hypocrisy always gives me such pause.
Let's all take a moment.
It's not that you didn't Holding all thoughts till the verdict lends perspective.
Perspective bogs me down.
Do you personally subscribe to everything in your closing? You mean about hypocrisy giving me pause? No, no.
About how acceptable it is for women to use sex as currency.
- Did I say "acceptable"? - Yes.
You basically argued that a little prostitution, "What's the big deal?" And at some level, all women sell sex to get ahead.
If you probe both yourself and the situation there's a reason I argued that.
- Which is? I was paid to.
That was a Fishism.
- Excuse me.
- Angela.
He called off the wedding.
- He did? - What you said made an impression.
He decided he should hold out for the woman of his dreams.
I am the last person who should be giving advice of the heart to anybody.
Look at me.
I am a strong career girl who feels empty without a man.
The National Organization for Women has a contract out on my head.
But, see, I am defending a prostitute with arguments like: "Sex is more currency than love these days.
" I see friends getting married because they're good companions and they have the same ideas about public versus private school issues, and I just can't buy it! Harry should marry somebody who he loves more than life.
And you deserve to be with somebody who loves you like that.
People like me and Harry, we don't get the partners of our dreams.
Harry asked me if he should marry somebody not because she's the one, but because she's the only Do you think there's someone out there wanting to take care of him? Sometimes, when you hold out for everything you walk away with nothing.
Remember that the next time a fat man asks you for advice.
Why can't I give advice to whoever? I mean, I obviously have love all figured out.
When you feel that you I don't know what else you could have done.
Maybe I have encouraged him to hold out for the illusion of marriage and the reality is he could end up alone.
If he doesn't love her He does.
She just doesn't make his heart bounce.
It should.
Not all the time but at least on your wedding day.
His heart should do a hop, right? Just as the lonely Pretty quick verdict, actually.
Johnny, great closing yesterday.
Passing out any questionnaires? - That was uncalled for.
- See you in there.
I know you've had some trouble with our defense You're doing what you have to.
Could you excuse me a second? What's going on? You're not quoting him off-season rates, are you? - I beg your pardon? - Could you excuse us, please? What were you discussing? You call off your wedding and now - I think you should marry Angela.
- Really? Companionship and trust.
Those are real things.
What about my heart? Yeah.
I was thinking and sometimes the worst thing for somebody's heart could be loneliness.
Last night I was thinking about all of my friends who I thought might be right for you.
I'm ashamed to say this but none of my friends would go out with you.
Because of my heft? Yeah.
Probably.
So you think I should settle for Angela? I don't think you should think of it as settling.
Not if you want a family and partnership.
Sometimes, we gotta look at our choices and just make the best one.
And Angela, she's a good girl.
Yeah.
She is.
And promises that we make ourselves when we're kids Stupid anyway.
I apologize.
Has the jury reached its verdict? - We have, Your Honor.
- What say you? We find the defendant not guilty.
Thank you for your time and service.
Adjourned.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for sitting here in apparent support.
I'm sure it helped.
It was apparent, Sandra.
My outlook's just a little different from yours.
I know.
And I envy you.
I really do.
- You lost? - We won.
- What are you doing? - After each case, I gather thoughts.
Great news.
Harry and Angela are back on.
Friday night.
- Great.
- Angela called.
You played Cupid so she'd like you there.
Don't wear white.
Thank you.
- I resent this side of the door.
- Do you want to know my thoughts? The world's in trouble.
We laugh at people for seeking romance.
We laud hookers under the guise of autonomy.
Shall I write it down? Why do you do that thing? I stutter.
I did as a child, anyway.
I controlled it with music.
I'd sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.
His name is my name too.
" Yeah.
I sing to myself to control my stutter if I feel nervous.
And sometimes a refrain just kind of pops out.
Anyway.
I didn't come to collect your thoughts.
I came to give you mine.
Criminal law requires that criminal lawyers play a game.
I know.
You needn't apologize for the system or for your little performance.
I get it.
I did not come in here to apologize.
I came The world is no longer a romantic place.
Some of its people still are, however.
And therein lies the promise.
Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal.
That's what I came in to say.
He's a strange little biscuit, isn't he? You Stinker!