Am I Being Unreasonable? (2022) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1
Come on, then, greedy guts.
You're just like me,
and that scares me. Yeah, me too.
Mum's being weird.
Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.
I'm sorry, Dan. I'm sorry that you
haven't realised
that this is actually
my brother's memorial.
When you used to hang out with him,
you made me so uncomfortable.
What happened? Did you end it?
No, I actually
Oh, God,
what have I done to you?
Come on, then, greedy guts.
You've not been very good, have you?
Let's get rid of you, then.
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
Such a greedy guts, that cat.
Agh, God! Bollocks!
Bollocks.
Dan?
Dan! Please, can you
help me out today?
Oh, my God, yes.
Wahey! Wahey! Wanker!
Oh, God!
Get in. Sorry. Hello.
You look fit. Thank you.
Thanks, mate. I know!
Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.
It's really purple, isn't it?
It is purple. It's a bit purple.
Nic's been cooking all morning,
but she's also been
drinking all morning.
Not all morning! God! Hello!
All right, honey?
Oh, my gosh. How are you?
Yes, I'm good. Look at you!
You look gorgeous!
Oh, you look gorgeous!
Thank you. This place!
Can you feel that? Can you feel it?
What, the underfloor heating?
Can you feel the underfloor heating?
I can't, I've got a new coat!
Oh, this looks incredible!
You've really got an eye.
Oh, God, I don't. You do!
No, I don't. I couldn't do this.
Oh, God. God's sake. Don't,
you'll break the champagne!
Oh, it is champagne!
Is that a regift?
No, I nicked it from work.
You've got to see the conservatory.
Yes! We have a conservatory.
Oh, yeah, come have a look.
I'm really showing off.
If I annoy you or be a bit of a sort
of smug twat,
just tell me to fuck off.
No, you won't. Stop it!
I think they've got a conservatory,
babe. Oh, my goodness!
Come on, then, shall I show
you through? Wow. OK. Sure.
You're going to
absolutely love it. Ooh!
Oh, wow! It's all right, innit?
Oh, my goodness!
You all right?
Yeah, you? Yeah, good.
How How was LA? Was it brilliant?
Is that small talk, Nick?
No, I'm not small-talking you.
I'm actually fascinated.
That's small talk. No, small talk
is, "How was the weather there?
"Is it hot? What time
of year did you go?"
That's small talk.
What?
You look good.
Did you get your hair
done for today? No.
God, you're so arrogant!
You are unbelievably arrogant.
Is that a new top?
Yes.
You look really fucking good.
Shut up.
Like a sexy matador.
How was it?
Why aren't you telling me
how how it was?
Yeah, I just chilled at the hotel.
Suzie met famous people.
Oh, my God, lovely.
Nick?
Nick?
Do you remember when we fucked here?
Don't. Why are you doing that?
Nick?
Yes, love? You'll never guess
who I saw the other week.
Who?
Dull Claire. Oh, my God!
Oh, I mean, guess
what she's doing now?
I have no idea.
She's a financial dominatrix.
What on earth is that?
It's basically where men
get off on giving women money,
and then they spunk it on,
like, Chanel bags and shit.
What? Oh, my God,
what is that even about?
And she doesn't even have to
sleep with them or anything.
How did she get into that?
Cos I need to get into it!
I know! What are you talking about?
That's basically us. She looks
like a bloody thumb, remember?
She does look like a thumb.
I tell you what I've got.
You'll love this.
Oh, my gosh,
you need You seen this?
Fucking purple.
So when Big Brother moved
from Elstree Mm-hm.
..They just shoved all
this stuff in the warehouse
and they did an auction.
I picked this up for about 140
quid from the Big Brother house.
That one was about 260 quid.
It's nice, innit?
Yeah, have a coffee in the morning.
But Brian Belo probably
sat in that chair.
What was it, Nadia from
Big Brother 5, who I loved?
Oh, God!
I've completely ruined this gravy.
Uh, Alex, do you think
I've ruined this gravy?
Can you just look at it?
Yeah. This is bugging
the hell out of me.
I think I completely have.
I got you, boo. Damn, girl!
Right, so what are you doing?
Talk me through it.
A bit of cornflour,
if it's lying around.
So gorgeous!
Yeah, it's nice, innit?
Oh, um, where's Ollie?
Oh! Ollie!
Your auntie and uncle are down
here, and you're being very rude.
Ollie, can you come down?
Auntie Suze and Uncle Alex are here.
Bit busy filming.
I think they've got you a present.
Oh, OK, yeah.
Oh, now you're coming down.
What crap present have I got
to be grateful for this time?
Like a bloody greyhound now.
"Oh, thank you, Uncle Alex!"
All right, all right, all right.
Come on, then.
Hey!
- Hey!
You all right? Yeah.
Did you have a good birthday?
Yeah, it was great, thanks.
- Sorry we missed it.
That's all right. Eight years old!
Oh! Thank you! This is for you.
Whoa.
Oh! Ooh! But
Sorry, what is it?
Oh, it's a bit small for him, innit?
It's for the cat! Oh, yes!
Oh. Wow, that's just
Like, I'm buzz That's just
Do you like it?
Yeah. Yeah, it's the best.
So he can be Godzilla!
Yeah. Is that it?
Is Is that it?
Yes. Yeah, is that all right?
Oh, that's That's enough. Nice.
Wow.
Well, I'm going to go play
in the shed. Yeah. All right?
Yeah. Oh, Ollie, you've
dropped your Mum!
Mum!
I thought you said you
were going to ask for cash.
I did ask them for cash.
I'm sorry, they just got you that.
And there is no way he's getting in
that, right?
Well, can you try and put it on him?
It's a stegosaurus!
It's not even
Just put it on the cat and bring
it in. I don't think he likes it.
Mum, please! I'll give
you 20 quid. Deal.
He loves it. Uh-huh.
Oh, thank you. Are you sure?
Oh, really does.
Yeah. He does. He loves it.
Oh, my gosh! His face was saying
We should've given him the money.
Drinks! You sort the table,
I'll get the drinks.
Dinner is imminent. "Imminent"?
Imminent. That's right.
I said it right.
Uh, can I have a glass
of champs, please?
Do you want a glass of champs, Suze?
Water.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I've got to
drive in the morning
and I've got a meeting
tomorrow afternoon.
Is sparkling all right, then, Suze?
Yeah, sparkling is great.
It's never stopped you before.
That's mad. Are you on antibiotics?
You can drink on those.
If you get the balance right,
it gives you quite like a nice,
warm, fuzzy feeling, doesn't it?
Uh-huh. Where's Suzie gone?
Are you an android?
Like a Black Mirror episode.
You're the waiter, you should be
doing this.
Some wine, please.
Cos you've got work tomorrow?!
Yeah, I've got a meeting I need to
be fresh for!
Do you go round the table with a
pepper grinder, like that?
No, cos I'm not a waiter, I'm a
manager. Where's Suze gone?
I have been for eight years.
I just want to be fresh tomorrow.
Where's my Suzie gone?
This is so weird!
What is the minimum wage? I don't
know.
Why don't you ask anyone that works
for you.
Oh!
That is That's quite good.
Yeah, cos you asked me that,
I had that in my pocket.
No, she's not drinking. Huh?
She's not drinking.
Don't you think that's mad?
What, is she pregnant? No!
Are you pregnant?
No! You're not pregnant? No?
No. Definitely not?
No, I'm not.
But
Um What are you doing?
Well, we Ah-bu-bu!
You know, because everyone's here,
so we What are you doing?
It's not a big deal.
It's not the time.
We Suzie, don't.
Stop it. Oh, boy.
We are
trying for a baby.
Oh, my God!
That's absolutely brilliant.
Yeah! My God.
Mate, that's amazing news!
Aw, God! Sorry. Hey
Do you know what, I've just
Oh, God, my nail
Clipped it on something.
Oh, my You all right, babe?
I'll go check.
Are you sure you want to have
his kid? Is it OK that I said?
Yeah, it'll have to be,
won't it? Suze?
Mm-hm? Are you sure?
It's good. Yeah, I'm excited.
Look, I'm sorry.
Get away from me now.
We've been having tons of sex.
We've been shagging like
rabbits, haven't we?
In fact, the other day,
we did it in the toilet at Costa.
Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, you know,
when we have to do it
..we have to do it.
Oi!
You know I've got an
ear infection, you dick!
Yes!
You threw that like Mr Burns then.
What a weird thing to say.
That was delicious.
Oh, God, no, I totally
overdid the beef.
Bloody Blumen Hestonthal
said half an hour per kilo,
which is just utter lies.
Heston Blumenthal.
Heston Blumenthal, whatever is.
Yes, it was a bit tough.
It was like you needed a
chainsaw to cut through.
Well, you cook next time.
I was joking!
No, you weren't.
Right, give me that.
Oh, God. No, please, don't.
I'll sort the dishwasher out.
You OK? Yeah, you? Mm-hm.
Alex, have you seen the results
today? Oh, no, come on
What? I'll help. No, no. Honestly?
So, anyway, the other day,
you'll never believe this
Get a load of this.
Fucking hell!
I know. Who's that?
Met her on Tinder.
She works at the village shop.
Kelly. How old is she?
25. 20-fucking-five!
She wants my dick, basically.
And I don't know whether
to give it to her or not.
I mean, her like that,
I'd say there with make-up on,
all, like, dressed up,
she's like Nine.
Nine and a half, mate.
But like, without make-up, she's
still a good eight, solid eight.
Oh, she went to, um
Oh, my God, Katie!
Who was it that she, um
The tutor. Yeah.
God, he was a real
He always used to give
her, like, top marks.
Cheating bastard! I know. THEY LAUGH
I mean, this is like
the stuff of fantasy.
I mean, your fantasies.
This is my reality.
This is what I've got to live with,
mate. This is what happens.
If you're me, this is what
you have to deal with. Right.
Ah, well, I guess you'll just have
to live vicariously through me, eh?
Mm. Look!
Babe? Um
I think I'm feeling a bit
jet-lagged. Oh, shit. You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I just
I think maybe I should have
a lie-down or something,
close my eyes for a second.
You can use our room if you want.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Is that all right? Yeah.
Do you want to lie down? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine. I just need
a lie-down. Is that OK?
Yeah, that's fine. I've got I've
run out of paracetamol,
but I'll go to the
shop and get some more. Yeah?
Thank you.
OK, cool.
Is that all right?
Oh, my God, yeah, of cour
Is that OK? Yeah, go lie down. OK.
Oh, I hope you feel better soon.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
Are you going to come with me?
Oh, yeah.
Mm-hm. Yep, yep, yep, yep. OK?
Oh! Hi, guys, I'm sorry. This is
really, really embarrassing.
Ollie's next door, and if I can
hear everything downstairs,
he's going to be able to hear.
Yep. I'm sorry.
So do you mind not?
Can you go talk to her?
Nick
Are you OK?
Come on, talk to me.
It's OK, you can talk to me.
Come in here.
Will you talk to me? Get off!
Stop it!
Nick, I'm sorry. Talk to me.
You were upstairs having
sex with her! Just
Oh, God.
Just so angry at you.
I know. I'm sorry.
I don't want babies.
Unless it's with you.
I don't want Suzie. I want you.
It's always been you.
I love you.
Do you know what I
fantasise about the most?
I don't know. Just doing
a Sunday big shop with you.
That's That's insane.
I love you.
But we just have to get
through today, OK? OK.
Then we'll come up with a plan.
Mm-hm.
OK? Just today.
I just want to be with you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Is the cat watching?
Yeah!
He's in his dinosaur
Fucking hell.
Promise?
Mate, um
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
Such a greedy guts, that cat!
Right.
You all right, mate?
Yeah. Do you want a beer?
Go on, then, greedy guts.
You've not been very good, have you?
Let's get rid of you, then. WHIRRING
Mum, you're a really good cook.
Why can't you cook
like this all the time?
I'm actually in shock.
That was so good.
The pancakes were almost
as good as McDonald's.
Right, Harry, do you
want to go do your teeth?
OK.
Ollie?
Yeah?
Am I a bad mum?
No!
Don't be s No. You're
You know, you
You're a great mum. Really?
Think of all the
stuff you let me do.
Remember that time when you
let me slide down the stairs
on a baking tray?
Your head battered the door.
I did, but it was funny.
And the time when I put firecrackers
in the pizza oven
in the back garden.
OK, that's enough, I think.
Or the time when you
stuck a GoPro to my head
and forced me into the badger sett.
OK, OK, OK, OK.
Oh, my God! Oh!
Do you want a lift?
Do I want a lift?
Now she's offering!
What's the difference between
a golf ball and a clitoris?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! A man will
actually look for a golf ball!
We've got kids in the back!
Right, they hear everything.
No, Ollie, it's actually
pronounced the cli-taurus
the Mitsubishi Clitaurus.
Is it anything like the Outlander?
It's much smaller
than the Outlander.
No, this'll be here
This is fine here.
Do you know what? It's a
bit chilly so, what I'll do,
I'll get you right round
to the entrance.
No, just here will be fine.
No, it's fine!
Oh! Oh, for God's sake!
No, it's absolutely I'm sorry.
For God's sake!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You big oaf!
What did you do that for?
I've got it here. I've got it.
It's fine.
It's fine. There we go.
Sometimes I could kill her!
Need a hand?
No, no, no, no, no. You sure?
It's fine.
There's absolutely
nothing wrong with it.
Are you all right?
Oh, Ollie, are you all right?
I'm all right.
Hi! Thanks for the help.
Oh, no, you're very welcome.
God! Let me help.
You've made me all stressed out.
I know, I know. You're all
fingers and thumbs, aren't you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't do this. All right,
you're going to be all right.
No, I can't do this.
You can. I can't!
You'll be fine. You've got to
come in with me. I-I c
You have to!
Dan'll have a fit if I go
I'm going to have a paNick attack!
All right, OK. OK, OK. Just breathe.
You just need to breathe.
I really need a wee, I'm OK.
Right, we'll go in.
Are you going to be OK?
I'll see you in there.
Yeah, I'll see.. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.
I love you, you knob.
OK, OK, you're going to be OK.
You're going to be OK.
OK.
And then Dan
met Nick and I thought,
"Holy shit, he's done it,
he's found the one.
"He's found a unicorn."
Suze.
Why were you there that night?
I've
I've told you. No, you never
did tell me why you were there.
Yeah, I have. Nick
..why?
Was it me?
Was it because I
was working so much?
Oh, God, no.
I miss you.
I really miss you.
But I really, really,
really fucking hate you.
Alex?
Get this! Nick, Nick, Nic!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for coming.
How did you know Alex?
Who's Alex?
For fuck's sake.
I cut up a quiche.
Fuck off, fuckwad.
So, Dan tells me he's desperately
unhappy in his marriage.
Hello, everyone. Hi. Um
Guys, if you're at the back and
want to sit down, take a seat,
or feel free to stand.
That's absolutely fine. Thanks.
Hi, everyone. Um
Just want to start by
thanking you all, really.
Warm welcome to the professional
mourners from the temp agency.
Great job. Um
I hope you're all
enjoying the crisps.
Um Apologies for
Nic's potato salad.
And please don't feel obliged
to eat it. It's horrible.
In fact, Mum, can you just get
rid of it? Can you bin it?
Potato salad.
Look, there's two. Get them out.
I always used to play this prank
on Alex when we were kids,
where I'd put loads of balloons
up and down the stairs,
and then I'd tell him,
"It's your birthday!"
And he'd get all
excited and he'd be,
"It's my birthday,
it's my birthday!"
And then he'd just run down
the stairs and burst in
full of excitement
into the living room,
and he'd just find Mum sat there
watching a clothes show
And, um
..I just
I just
want to say sorry.
I'm sorry. I just, um
I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't
I didn't
Sorry for that.
I'm so sorry.
So sorry.
Um
Alex really was so
..loved.
By everyone.
Um
Nick.
Why don't you come up here
and share something?
Come on, Nick.
I'm sure you've got
something to say about Alex.
Just
Oh, my God.
Um
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Um
We're all here today to
Um
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
Such a greedy guts, that cat.
Um
Go on, then, greedy guts.
You've not been
very good, have you?
Let's get rid of you, then.
Um
Sorry we're late. Sorry.
You've got something
that belongs to us.
Um
Um
Sorry. Um
What's wrong? What happened?
What do you mean?
How long has it been?
You don't still see him, do you?
You need to let these things out.
You'll go mad.
I've got an ear infection, you dick!
Come on, Nick, get
to the juicy bits!
Nic! Nic! Nic!
Nic! Nic! Nic!
Yeah, so, um
..the last, um time I saw Alex
Ah
And, um
Oh!
Oi, see that!
You threw that like Mr Burns then!
There's a pound. What?
I'm going to get you a pound
for Christmas. What are you doing?
No, don't do that.
You'll get run over. No!
Get off it. Help.
Help yourself, you fat fuck!
Dodgy breath.
I love you, you knob.
Come back to mine,
we'll get a bath together.
What?
Train's here.
Alex?
Hey.
What are you doing here?
"Ghosting me?
"Being a fuckboy?
"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
It was a j It was a joke.
Oh, Nick
What? What?
Look, I got, like,
no sleep last night
and I just wanted to say
that maybe it's a good time
for us to come clean about it,
because now, you know,
now Ollie knows.
Did you think about Ollie once
in the last seven years?
Yeah, of course I have.
Of course I have.
No, I just wanted to, um, say,
"Ollie, it's because we're in
love with each other, and"
I can't fucking do this.
I mean, do you think there's
something special about you, Nick?
Do you?
I mean, fucking come on.
It's never been about you.
It's always been about my brother.
I can't stand Dan.
And I can't stress that enough.
It has never, ever
once been about you.
And me and Suzie,
we're going to have a kid,
and I'm not going to
let this fuck with that.
And do you know what? I'm going to
be a better fucking parent than you,
because it's not hard, is it?
No, Alex, I know you're
doing this Nick
..because you're trying
to push me away. Nick
And I know that you love me.
Listen, get your hands off me.
Go home to your fucking family.
OK? Pfft.
Do you know what?
The sex was fine
..but I think you
should lose some weight.
Open the door. Fuck.
Open the fucking door!
Open the fucking door!
Fucking kill you! Open the
Open the fucking door!
Open the fucking
Stop the train!
Fucking! No!
Stop the train!
Nic!
Pull the cord!
Pull it now, you stupid bitch!
Um
Come on, then, greedy guts.
You're just like me,
and that scares me. Yeah, me too.
Mum's being weird.
Yeah, well, Mum's always weird.
I'm sorry, Dan. I'm sorry that you
haven't realised
that this is actually
my brother's memorial.
When you used to hang out with him,
you made me so uncomfortable.
What happened? Did you end it?
No, I actually
Oh, God,
what have I done to you?
Come on, then, greedy guts.
You've not been very good, have you?
Let's get rid of you, then.
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
Such a greedy guts, that cat.
Agh, God! Bollocks!
Bollocks.
Dan?
Dan! Please, can you
help me out today?
Oh, my God, yes.
Wahey! Wahey! Wanker!
Oh, God!
Get in. Sorry. Hello.
You look fit. Thank you.
Thanks, mate. I know!
Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there.
It's really purple, isn't it?
It is purple. It's a bit purple.
Nic's been cooking all morning,
but she's also been
drinking all morning.
Not all morning! God! Hello!
All right, honey?
Oh, my gosh. How are you?
Yes, I'm good. Look at you!
You look gorgeous!
Oh, you look gorgeous!
Thank you. This place!
Can you feel that? Can you feel it?
What, the underfloor heating?
Can you feel the underfloor heating?
I can't, I've got a new coat!
Oh, this looks incredible!
You've really got an eye.
Oh, God, I don't. You do!
No, I don't. I couldn't do this.
Oh, God. God's sake. Don't,
you'll break the champagne!
Oh, it is champagne!
Is that a regift?
No, I nicked it from work.
You've got to see the conservatory.
Yes! We have a conservatory.
Oh, yeah, come have a look.
I'm really showing off.
If I annoy you or be a bit of a sort
of smug twat,
just tell me to fuck off.
No, you won't. Stop it!
I think they've got a conservatory,
babe. Oh, my goodness!
Come on, then, shall I show
you through? Wow. OK. Sure.
You're going to
absolutely love it. Ooh!
Oh, wow! It's all right, innit?
Oh, my goodness!
You all right?
Yeah, you? Yeah, good.
How How was LA? Was it brilliant?
Is that small talk, Nick?
No, I'm not small-talking you.
I'm actually fascinated.
That's small talk. No, small talk
is, "How was the weather there?
"Is it hot? What time
of year did you go?"
That's small talk.
What?
You look good.
Did you get your hair
done for today? No.
God, you're so arrogant!
You are unbelievably arrogant.
Is that a new top?
Yes.
You look really fucking good.
Shut up.
Like a sexy matador.
How was it?
Why aren't you telling me
how how it was?
Yeah, I just chilled at the hotel.
Suzie met famous people.
Oh, my God, lovely.
Nick?
Nick?
Do you remember when we fucked here?
Don't. Why are you doing that?
Nick?
Yes, love? You'll never guess
who I saw the other week.
Who?
Dull Claire. Oh, my God!
Oh, I mean, guess
what she's doing now?
I have no idea.
She's a financial dominatrix.
What on earth is that?
It's basically where men
get off on giving women money,
and then they spunk it on,
like, Chanel bags and shit.
What? Oh, my God,
what is that even about?
And she doesn't even have to
sleep with them or anything.
How did she get into that?
Cos I need to get into it!
I know! What are you talking about?
That's basically us. She looks
like a bloody thumb, remember?
She does look like a thumb.
I tell you what I've got.
You'll love this.
Oh, my gosh,
you need You seen this?
Fucking purple.
So when Big Brother moved
from Elstree Mm-hm.
..They just shoved all
this stuff in the warehouse
and they did an auction.
I picked this up for about 140
quid from the Big Brother house.
That one was about 260 quid.
It's nice, innit?
Yeah, have a coffee in the morning.
But Brian Belo probably
sat in that chair.
What was it, Nadia from
Big Brother 5, who I loved?
Oh, God!
I've completely ruined this gravy.
Uh, Alex, do you think
I've ruined this gravy?
Can you just look at it?
Yeah. This is bugging
the hell out of me.
I think I completely have.
I got you, boo. Damn, girl!
Right, so what are you doing?
Talk me through it.
A bit of cornflour,
if it's lying around.
So gorgeous!
Yeah, it's nice, innit?
Oh, um, where's Ollie?
Oh! Ollie!
Your auntie and uncle are down
here, and you're being very rude.
Ollie, can you come down?
Auntie Suze and Uncle Alex are here.
Bit busy filming.
I think they've got you a present.
Oh, OK, yeah.
Oh, now you're coming down.
What crap present have I got
to be grateful for this time?
Like a bloody greyhound now.
"Oh, thank you, Uncle Alex!"
All right, all right, all right.
Come on, then.
Hey!
- Hey!
You all right? Yeah.
Did you have a good birthday?
Yeah, it was great, thanks.
- Sorry we missed it.
That's all right. Eight years old!
Oh! Thank you! This is for you.
Whoa.
Oh! Ooh! But
Sorry, what is it?
Oh, it's a bit small for him, innit?
It's for the cat! Oh, yes!
Oh. Wow, that's just
Like, I'm buzz That's just
Do you like it?
Yeah. Yeah, it's the best.
So he can be Godzilla!
Yeah. Is that it?
Is Is that it?
Yes. Yeah, is that all right?
Oh, that's That's enough. Nice.
Wow.
Well, I'm going to go play
in the shed. Yeah. All right?
Yeah. Oh, Ollie, you've
dropped your Mum!
Mum!
I thought you said you
were going to ask for cash.
I did ask them for cash.
I'm sorry, they just got you that.
And there is no way he's getting in
that, right?
Well, can you try and put it on him?
It's a stegosaurus!
It's not even
Just put it on the cat and bring
it in. I don't think he likes it.
Mum, please! I'll give
you 20 quid. Deal.
He loves it. Uh-huh.
Oh, thank you. Are you sure?
Oh, really does.
Yeah. He does. He loves it.
Oh, my gosh! His face was saying
We should've given him the money.
Drinks! You sort the table,
I'll get the drinks.
Dinner is imminent. "Imminent"?
Imminent. That's right.
I said it right.
Uh, can I have a glass
of champs, please?
Do you want a glass of champs, Suze?
Water.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I've got to
drive in the morning
and I've got a meeting
tomorrow afternoon.
Is sparkling all right, then, Suze?
Yeah, sparkling is great.
It's never stopped you before.
That's mad. Are you on antibiotics?
You can drink on those.
If you get the balance right,
it gives you quite like a nice,
warm, fuzzy feeling, doesn't it?
Uh-huh. Where's Suzie gone?
Are you an android?
Like a Black Mirror episode.
You're the waiter, you should be
doing this.
Some wine, please.
Cos you've got work tomorrow?!
Yeah, I've got a meeting I need to
be fresh for!
Do you go round the table with a
pepper grinder, like that?
No, cos I'm not a waiter, I'm a
manager. Where's Suze gone?
I have been for eight years.
I just want to be fresh tomorrow.
Where's my Suzie gone?
This is so weird!
What is the minimum wage? I don't
know.
Why don't you ask anyone that works
for you.
Oh!
That is That's quite good.
Yeah, cos you asked me that,
I had that in my pocket.
No, she's not drinking. Huh?
She's not drinking.
Don't you think that's mad?
What, is she pregnant? No!
Are you pregnant?
No! You're not pregnant? No?
No. Definitely not?
No, I'm not.
But
Um What are you doing?
Well, we Ah-bu-bu!
You know, because everyone's here,
so we What are you doing?
It's not a big deal.
It's not the time.
We Suzie, don't.
Stop it. Oh, boy.
We are
trying for a baby.
Oh, my God!
That's absolutely brilliant.
Yeah! My God.
Mate, that's amazing news!
Aw, God! Sorry. Hey
Do you know what, I've just
Oh, God, my nail
Clipped it on something.
Oh, my You all right, babe?
I'll go check.
Are you sure you want to have
his kid? Is it OK that I said?
Yeah, it'll have to be,
won't it? Suze?
Mm-hm? Are you sure?
It's good. Yeah, I'm excited.
Look, I'm sorry.
Get away from me now.
We've been having tons of sex.
We've been shagging like
rabbits, haven't we?
In fact, the other day,
we did it in the toilet at Costa.
Oh, that's lovely. Yeah, you know,
when we have to do it
..we have to do it.
Oi!
You know I've got an
ear infection, you dick!
Yes!
You threw that like Mr Burns then.
What a weird thing to say.
That was delicious.
Oh, God, no, I totally
overdid the beef.
Bloody Blumen Hestonthal
said half an hour per kilo,
which is just utter lies.
Heston Blumenthal.
Heston Blumenthal, whatever is.
Yes, it was a bit tough.
It was like you needed a
chainsaw to cut through.
Well, you cook next time.
I was joking!
No, you weren't.
Right, give me that.
Oh, God. No, please, don't.
I'll sort the dishwasher out.
You OK? Yeah, you? Mm-hm.
Alex, have you seen the results
today? Oh, no, come on
What? I'll help. No, no. Honestly?
So, anyway, the other day,
you'll never believe this
Get a load of this.
Fucking hell!
I know. Who's that?
Met her on Tinder.
She works at the village shop.
Kelly. How old is she?
25. 20-fucking-five!
She wants my dick, basically.
And I don't know whether
to give it to her or not.
I mean, her like that,
I'd say there with make-up on,
all, like, dressed up,
she's like Nine.
Nine and a half, mate.
But like, without make-up, she's
still a good eight, solid eight.
Oh, she went to, um
Oh, my God, Katie!
Who was it that she, um
The tutor. Yeah.
God, he was a real
He always used to give
her, like, top marks.
Cheating bastard! I know. THEY LAUGH
I mean, this is like
the stuff of fantasy.
I mean, your fantasies.
This is my reality.
This is what I've got to live with,
mate. This is what happens.
If you're me, this is what
you have to deal with. Right.
Ah, well, I guess you'll just have
to live vicariously through me, eh?
Mm. Look!
Babe? Um
I think I'm feeling a bit
jet-lagged. Oh, shit. You all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I just
I think maybe I should have
a lie-down or something,
close my eyes for a second.
You can use our room if you want.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Is that all right? Yeah.
Do you want to lie down? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm fine. I just need
a lie-down. Is that OK?
Yeah, that's fine. I've got I've
run out of paracetamol,
but I'll go to the
shop and get some more. Yeah?
Thank you.
OK, cool.
Is that all right?
Oh, my God, yeah, of cour
Is that OK? Yeah, go lie down. OK.
Oh, I hope you feel better soon.
Yeah, yeah, I will.
Are you going to come with me?
Oh, yeah.
Mm-hm. Yep, yep, yep, yep. OK?
Oh! Hi, guys, I'm sorry. This is
really, really embarrassing.
Ollie's next door, and if I can
hear everything downstairs,
he's going to be able to hear.
Yep. I'm sorry.
So do you mind not?
Can you go talk to her?
Nick
Are you OK?
Come on, talk to me.
It's OK, you can talk to me.
Come in here.
Will you talk to me? Get off!
Stop it!
Nick, I'm sorry. Talk to me.
You were upstairs having
sex with her! Just
Oh, God.
Just so angry at you.
I know. I'm sorry.
I don't want babies.
Unless it's with you.
I don't want Suzie. I want you.
It's always been you.
I love you.
Do you know what I
fantasise about the most?
I don't know. Just doing
a Sunday big shop with you.
That's That's insane.
I love you.
But we just have to get
through today, OK? OK.
Then we'll come up with a plan.
Mm-hm.
OK? Just today.
I just want to be with you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Is the cat watching?
Yeah!
He's in his dinosaur
Fucking hell.
Promise?
Mate, um
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
Such a greedy guts, that cat!
Right.
You all right, mate?
Yeah. Do you want a beer?
Go on, then, greedy guts.
You've not been very good, have you?
Let's get rid of you, then. WHIRRING
Mum, you're a really good cook.
Why can't you cook
like this all the time?
I'm actually in shock.
That was so good.
The pancakes were almost
as good as McDonald's.
Right, Harry, do you
want to go do your teeth?
OK.
Ollie?
Yeah?
Am I a bad mum?
No!
Don't be s No. You're
You know, you
You're a great mum. Really?
Think of all the
stuff you let me do.
Remember that time when you
let me slide down the stairs
on a baking tray?
Your head battered the door.
I did, but it was funny.
And the time when I put firecrackers
in the pizza oven
in the back garden.
OK, that's enough, I think.
Or the time when you
stuck a GoPro to my head
and forced me into the badger sett.
OK, OK, OK, OK.
Oh, my God! Oh!
Do you want a lift?
Do I want a lift?
Now she's offering!
What's the difference between
a golf ball and a clitoris?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! A man will
actually look for a golf ball!
We've got kids in the back!
Right, they hear everything.
No, Ollie, it's actually
pronounced the cli-taurus
the Mitsubishi Clitaurus.
Is it anything like the Outlander?
It's much smaller
than the Outlander.
No, this'll be here
This is fine here.
Do you know what? It's a
bit chilly so, what I'll do,
I'll get you right round
to the entrance.
No, just here will be fine.
No, it's fine!
Oh! Oh, for God's sake!
No, it's absolutely I'm sorry.
For God's sake!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You big oaf!
What did you do that for?
I've got it here. I've got it.
It's fine.
It's fine. There we go.
Sometimes I could kill her!
Need a hand?
No, no, no, no, no. You sure?
It's fine.
There's absolutely
nothing wrong with it.
Are you all right?
Oh, Ollie, are you all right?
I'm all right.
Hi! Thanks for the help.
Oh, no, you're very welcome.
God! Let me help.
You've made me all stressed out.
I know, I know. You're all
fingers and thumbs, aren't you?
Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't do this. All right,
you're going to be all right.
No, I can't do this.
You can. I can't!
You'll be fine. You've got to
come in with me. I-I c
You have to!
Dan'll have a fit if I go
I'm going to have a paNick attack!
All right, OK. OK, OK. Just breathe.
You just need to breathe.
I really need a wee, I'm OK.
Right, we'll go in.
Are you going to be OK?
I'll see you in there.
Yeah, I'll see.. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.
I love you, you knob.
OK, OK, you're going to be OK.
You're going to be OK.
OK.
And then Dan
met Nick and I thought,
"Holy shit, he's done it,
he's found the one.
"He's found a unicorn."
Suze.
Why were you there that night?
I've
I've told you. No, you never
did tell me why you were there.
Yeah, I have. Nick
..why?
Was it me?
Was it because I
was working so much?
Oh, God, no.
I miss you.
I really miss you.
But I really, really,
really fucking hate you.
Alex?
Get this! Nick, Nick, Nic!
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you for coming.
How did you know Alex?
Who's Alex?
For fuck's sake.
I cut up a quiche.
Fuck off, fuckwad.
So, Dan tells me he's desperately
unhappy in his marriage.
Hello, everyone. Hi. Um
Guys, if you're at the back and
want to sit down, take a seat,
or feel free to stand.
That's absolutely fine. Thanks.
Hi, everyone. Um
Just want to start by
thanking you all, really.
Warm welcome to the professional
mourners from the temp agency.
Great job. Um
I hope you're all
enjoying the crisps.
Um Apologies for
Nic's potato salad.
And please don't feel obliged
to eat it. It's horrible.
In fact, Mum, can you just get
rid of it? Can you bin it?
Potato salad.
Look, there's two. Get them out.
I always used to play this prank
on Alex when we were kids,
where I'd put loads of balloons
up and down the stairs,
and then I'd tell him,
"It's your birthday!"
And he'd get all
excited and he'd be,
"It's my birthday,
it's my birthday!"
And then he'd just run down
the stairs and burst in
full of excitement
into the living room,
and he'd just find Mum sat there
watching a clothes show
And, um
..I just
I just
want to say sorry.
I'm sorry. I just, um
I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't
I didn't
Sorry for that.
I'm so sorry.
So sorry.
Um
Alex really was so
..loved.
By everyone.
Um
Nick.
Why don't you come up here
and share something?
Come on, Nick.
I'm sure you've got
something to say about Alex.
Just
Oh, my God.
Um
Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Um
We're all here today to
Um
We were just feeding Mr Meowgi.
Such a greedy guts, that cat.
Um
Go on, then, greedy guts.
You've not been
very good, have you?
Let's get rid of you, then.
Um
Sorry we're late. Sorry.
You've got something
that belongs to us.
Um
Um
Sorry. Um
What's wrong? What happened?
What do you mean?
How long has it been?
You don't still see him, do you?
You need to let these things out.
You'll go mad.
I've got an ear infection, you dick!
Come on, Nick, get
to the juicy bits!
Nic! Nic! Nic!
Nic! Nic! Nic!
Yeah, so, um
..the last, um time I saw Alex
Ah
And, um
Oh!
Oi, see that!
You threw that like Mr Burns then!
There's a pound. What?
I'm going to get you a pound
for Christmas. What are you doing?
No, don't do that.
You'll get run over. No!
Get off it. Help.
Help yourself, you fat fuck!
Dodgy breath.
I love you, you knob.
Come back to mine,
we'll get a bath together.
What?
Train's here.
Alex?
Hey.
What are you doing here?
"Ghosting me?
"Being a fuckboy?
"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
It was a j It was a joke.
Oh, Nick
What? What?
Look, I got, like,
no sleep last night
and I just wanted to say
that maybe it's a good time
for us to come clean about it,
because now, you know,
now Ollie knows.
Did you think about Ollie once
in the last seven years?
Yeah, of course I have.
Of course I have.
No, I just wanted to, um, say,
"Ollie, it's because we're in
love with each other, and"
I can't fucking do this.
I mean, do you think there's
something special about you, Nick?
Do you?
I mean, fucking come on.
It's never been about you.
It's always been about my brother.
I can't stand Dan.
And I can't stress that enough.
It has never, ever
once been about you.
And me and Suzie,
we're going to have a kid,
and I'm not going to
let this fuck with that.
And do you know what? I'm going to
be a better fucking parent than you,
because it's not hard, is it?
No, Alex, I know you're
doing this Nick
..because you're trying
to push me away. Nick
And I know that you love me.
Listen, get your hands off me.
Go home to your fucking family.
OK? Pfft.
Do you know what?
The sex was fine
..but I think you
should lose some weight.
Open the door. Fuck.
Open the fucking door!
Open the fucking door!
Fucking kill you! Open the
Open the fucking door!
Open the fucking
Stop the train!
Fucking! No!
Stop the train!
Nic!
Pull the cord!
Pull it now, you stupid bitch!
Um