Amandaland (2025) s01e06 Episode Script
Awards
1
Right! Johannes. Don't forget
your aftershave
and anti-snoring nasal strips.
Thank you, Buki.
And your athlete's foot spray.
Ah, yeah.
It really flared up
under my bandage.
But I guess if
you get a fungus hot and damp,
you're going to have issues, eh?
THEY LAUGH
I'm not going to miss sharing
a bathroom with four people,
but I'm really going to miss you.
Oh! I'm going to miss you, too!
But if you will live on the other
side of London
Actually, Amanda -
I got you a little surprise.
Oh! As a thank you for looking
after me while I was recovering
from my war wound.
Johannes, it was a snake bite.
That snake went to war with me,
Amanda.
It wanted me dead.
Hmm
Ta-da!
Oh
Oh! Oh, my God, Johannes!
Yah. It's a hybrid - like us.
Cos I love petrol
and you love electric.
And look, look, look.
It's got a personalised
number plate.
It says, "Sensuous."
Yeah, it does!
But my business is "Senuous".
I don't see what you're saying.
Oh, I don't want to be difficult,
but it's got too many 5s.
It should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
Well, you have to disguise some
of the letters as numbers because
No, I know that, sweetheart,
but you've done 5-E-N-5-U-0-U-5.
And it should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
Amanda, I'm confused. Do you want
the car or not? YES!
I love I love I love it!
CAR REVS
You know when people say,
"It's like watching a car crash
in slow motion"?
This is what they mean.
Johannes bought her that.
Apart from the fact I'm
a massive lesbian,
I do not understand what she
sees in that huge plate of gammon.
Yeah. I think we were
all rooting for the snake.
FI LAUGHS
Eh-up, here she comes. Hi!
Hi, Georgie!
What's with the wristbands?
I dunno.
RSI? Too much texting?
Nice wheels, Amanda! Yeah.
Little thank you from Johannes for
being his sexy Florence Nightingale.
Christ. No-one ever tell him
the going rate for a nurse?
What's the price tag on that thing?
I didn't ask, and I don't care.
PHONE BUZZES
It's a very lovely gift.
Diego. 98 grand.
Fi!
I said I didn't care.
Is it six figures with the sunroof?
Yeah.
Hi! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Anne!
Great news, you guys!
The Bierkeller says he'll do us
a keg of Hoppy Seconds at cost.
Oh, that's great. Yeah. What's this?
Oh, we're just trying to organise
the end-of-season awards party
for the club. Oh.
Last year was such a blast,
so we're going for the same again.
So, keg of beer, bit of a barbecue,
Mal and Ned's famous disco.
Anne, no. Come on.
Surely we can aim a little
higher that.
That's all the subs will cover,
sadly.
We're not exactly
Tottenham's Hotspur.
How are you a coach?
Well, if it's a money issue,
we might be able to lend a hand.
The royal "we"? Johannes and I.
If you don't mind making
a little donation
Sure we wouldn't say no to
some cava and a bucket of Haribo.
Anne, that's not how you spend
money.
Oi! Posh Spice!
You've blocked me in!
It's fine. "Sensuous"?!
Move it or I'll slash your tyres!
Actually, I'm going to move it.
It's actually "Senuous"!
The middle S is a 5.
PHONE RINGS
SHE SIGHS
Mummy. I'm mid co-lab. I know.
I'm actually in the market for,
um, a fizzy tap.
You've got a fizzy tap.
Look, if you're bored, why don't you
give Fi a call, see if she's around?
I'm not bored.
I'm just thinking of you,
all cooped up in your showroom.
And I was thinking,
you're looking a bit
Thin? ..tired.
You've got bags under your eyes.
Well, I'm fine.
Thank you. Amanda! OK.
I've gotta go, Mummy.
Yes?
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
Amanda, can you do a delivery for me
to east London?
Do I look like a postman, Daniel?
Look, it's 500 quid's worth of taps
and they've asked for you by name.
Who orders £500 worth of taps?
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Oh, man.
Worth every penny.
The taps! I'm talking about the taps
I ordered. Johannes!
Sorry, I just missed this so much.
Listen, Johannes.
Um, I was wondering if you thought
it'd be fun to sponsor
the kids' football awards this year?
Just cos it's such a deprived area
and, um
Yeah, sure.
Really? Yeah. Oh!
Oh, they'll be thrilled.
Could be a nice little, uh,
send-off.
A what? Well, I've been thinking
about your living situation.
And, er
Oh, my God! Johannes, you've bought
me a house?!
SHRIEKS: Oh, my God!
I haven't bought you a house,
Amanda.
I've only just bought you a car!
HE LAUGHS Oh!
Greedy birdy! No, these
are the keys are to THIS place.
I thought you and the kids might
like to move in. Oh!
There's tons of space,
got a bathroom each.
The guy upstairs lives in Singapore,
and the guy downstairs had his
assets frozen, so talk about quiet.
Yeah. And look at the view.
You know we get seals here?
What about the kids' schools?
Oh, I'll just pay for St Anthony's.
It's much better than the dump
they're at now.
God, that's so kind.
Can I think about it?
Yeah, of course. It's a big step.
Yes! For both of us! Yes!
50 years a bachelor and I'm
throwing my keys around willy-nilly.
What have you done to me, Amanda?
I've lost my bloody mind.
Johannes, can we? Let's not say
anything to the kids just yet.
Just I need to find the right
time to talk to them about it.
Anything for milady.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, look, look!
Look, a seal!
Oh, wow! Look at the little fella.
Awww! Ha-ha!
Oh, wait, wait.
No, it's a
It's a tyre.
Oh.
Yes, so we'll just wait a couple
more minutes until we have everyone
and then Sorry I'm late.
Here she is. Mad day at my co-lab.
Budge up, Anne. Sorry, Amanda, I'll
get out of your way.
OK! Right, let's get started.
Great. OK.
So, um, I think you all know Amanda,
who has very kindly offered to
sponsor this year's event.
Namaste, guys. I'm just glad
we can give something back.
So I think we can all
agree that, like,
last year's party was pretty
awesome, so, as the old saying goes,
you know, "If it ain't broke, don't
go tinkering with the original."
I just think we've had
a terrific year as a club
and it's time we had a bit more
pride in ourselves.
You know, we could, like, park the
barbecue and get a caterer in.
Oh, I could do my sausage rolls!
Because there ain't no party like
an Anne's sausage party.
No, thank you, Anne. No.
We are getting professionals in.
Can you see if the people who
did my 40th birthday are available?
They've gone out of business.
In a year? Well, that was actually
five years ago,
because you're forty fi I'm
thinking photo booth,
churros machine, um
I'm spitballing here, guys.
A mixologist. Professional DJ.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on!
The only reason I got involved with
any of this football shit
is so me and Ned can DJ the party.
OK, Mal. Sure.
Though, it isn't all about you.
Can I just get some plain old cava?
I'm not great with the cocktails.
It mixes together
fine in the metal thingy,
but once it hits my colon, it's
like the rapids in Center Parcs.
Fine, we'll get some cava.
Great. Yeah.
Well, that's sorted, then!
I will call my friend
at Bluebird and get him started
on the cocktail design.
And you call the churros people.
That was a really brilliant idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's great to see her back
to her old self.
She's had a bit of a crappy year,
so maybe just let her have
this one thing.
That's what they said about Poland.
Yeah. So we just need
Mika, to the left.
No, your other left.
Actually. Sorry. No, I was right.
To the left.
Right, right.
Yeah. No, I didn't order cava.
That stuff tastes like fizzy piss.
You'll have to send it back
and knock it off the bill, yeah?
Yeah. That's it, that's it,
that's it.
Just put it just there.
Would you look at this?
It's like the New York Mets Gala
in here.
That's two different things,
Anne, but, yeah.
Love the banner. Mm.
Johannes got that printed.
Such a nice thought.
Look, I know you said not to,
Amanda, but I made some of my famous
sausage rolls, just in case.
They're not famous, Anne.
They are in my house. Yes.
That's not what "famous" means.
Let's leave the catering
to the caterers, shall we?
OK, everyone, all hands on deck!
Make the body move ♪
Ah, yeah!
THEY LAUGH
Sorry, er, what does
an Off-side Mule have in it?
It's a Moscow Mule. Oh,
that's very good.
And the, um, the Pina Red-Carda?
It's a Pina Colada.
Oh, that's very clever.
Hey. Bleurgh!
Huh! Someone's on it.
WHISPERS: I have to tell Fi
the business is going under.
What, here?
Yep. Safety in numbers.
And coming out to my parents
taught me that I require
a very specific amount of alcohol
before I reach a place
of complete honesty.
What's the amount?
Oh, it's a very delicate balance.
The trick is to stop just south
of vomiting.
Hmm.
Did you decide on a cocktail?
Oh, no.
Could I please have a glass of cava?
We haven't got cava. What? Hey!
Could I get a SoHa Moja
and a Golden Baller
for Mr Van der Velde, please?
Amanda, you forgot my cava.
Yes. Johannes sent it back.
He says it's not a proper drink,
Anne.
It's just Spain pretending
to be France.
Have something else.
Come on, be adventurous!
And for you? Just a beer, please.
Sorry, we ain't got beer tonight.
It's just cocktails.
The Aussie guy said so.
JOHANNES: Welcome. This must be your
beautiful wife or girlfriend.
I don't know. Oh, yeah. Because
football fans famously hate beer.
Come on! You can have your tinnies
and your cheap bubbles any time.
Let's keep it classy for one night.
I'm trying to raise the bar here.
Literally.
Thank you, Jude.
MUSIC PLAYS
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
Oh!
Mummy, look at you.
Are you staying?
Well, the kids virtually begged me,
and so I jiggled a few things
around in the diary. Oh, that's
great.
Georgie, take the wristband off.
You look like Andy Murray.
I like it - it's cool.
It doesn't go with the dress,
darling.
Well, neither did
your plaid shirts and chokers,
but we let it go.
Actually, Mummy, I'm glad I've
got you. What, generally, or?
Don't say anything to the kids,
but Johannes has asked us to move
into his place in Wapping.
Well, that's a very kind offer.
Yeah, he's so generous,
and he worships me.
But I don't know if it feels like
things are moving too fast or
Well, sometimes you have to move
fast, don't you?
I mean, you're not getting
any younger.
Well, none of us are.
I think my dermatologist
would disagree.
Look, I know I pretended
to like this place.
You haven't. Wapping is the new
Holland Park.
I'm so excited.
Good for you, darling.
Thank you, Mummy. Please welcome to
the stage
Oh! It's starting. Get yourself a
drink.
Good evening, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming.
We've got lots to get
through this evening.
Lots of awards to give out.
Could I have a Goal Fashioned
without the bitters
or the soda water?
That's just a whisky. Yeah.
Three of those - in one glass.
Well, it's been a very positive
season for the under-11s.
Our unbeaten record in ten
of our 18 games.
Thanks.
FI COUGHS
Christ! What the hell's in that?
Oh, that that might be mine.
Here.
Oh, my God, is that a tattoo?
It's just pen. Chill. Pen, my hole.
That is a prison tattoo.
Have you seen that?
It's not a big deal.
Please tell me Georgie hasn't
got one. Yeah, of course.
We're best mates.
FI LAUGHS
TONY: Please put your hands together
for
..JJ. Woo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on!
And now for the most improved
award
..the award for
the Most Improved Player.
The most improved player joined us
at the beginning of the season
and has quickly become an absolute
lynchpin of the team.
I can't wait to see what she does
next season.
So let's put our hands together
for Georgie Hughes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!
WHOOPING
Johannes, move This is my own
creation.
I call it the Van der Velde
Slammer.
Georgie's up. Johannes, sit down.
Please, sit down.
Georgie! And well done, Georgie.
Up next, it's the under-15s
category.
Didn't get my photo! Sophie Webster.
Come up and collect the award
for Player of the Year.
CHEERING
Congratulations, Sophie. Right,
let's crack on.
Finally, please welcome our club
secretary, Anne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, Anne!
Last but not least, um,
a huge thank you to our sponsors
Ah, you're welcome!
Dick without whose generosity
tonight would be so different.
Um, a great big round of applause
for Amanda.
Yes! Thank you.
Come on! Come on, come on.
There she is. All right, my baby!
Woo! Thanks, everyone.
Wow, that is a lot of dewberry
goodness.
Um
Thank you, of course,
to Anne for, um
Uh
Thanks, Anne. Um
So, on behalf of the Van der Velde
Senuous Foundation,
I just want to
say what a privilege it is to
support the little guys,
you know, because, um, we might
be up here, but
..we never forget about down there.
So, um, have a great evening
and enjoy the party.
All right, baby! That's my Amanda!
Thank you. Thanks, Anne.
Oh!
Whoa, baby
Hey Did I say?
Ooh Whoa, baby
Hey
Oh, be
Oh, I'll bring you flowers ♪
Hey. Hey. Uh, listen, I was
wondering, could you play me
a little bit of Rick Astley?
I don't think I have any.
Well, maybe you could just plug
your phone in or something.
I'm more of a vinyl guy, you know?
Old-school DJ.
Yeah. Well, maybe you could make
an exception, seeing as I'm paying
for all this.
Yeah, right. I'll, uh
I'll stick it on after this for you.
Rick Astley, yeah?
Rick Astley, yeah.
What does she see in that dickhead?
Oh, you know, she seems happy,
and I think she's really into him.
I don't know about you, but I can't
drink another Crossbar-gerhita.
I'm going to sneak out, get some
beers.
Anyone want anything?
Ah! Now you're talking my language.
No, we can't, because Amanda
will kill us.
She wants everything all fancy
in here.
Well, if you can't drink it in here,
there's always the shipping
container out the back.
Yes, mate! Cava! Two bottles.
I have money. Sh!
Woo!
Georgie! Woo!
Sweetheart, come on.
It'll be like when the Beckhams
do it. Here. No.
OK, well, just take
the wristband off.
No, it's cool.
Just for the photo.
You won't want to look back
on yourself in sports casual.
Oh. OK.
There we go. There we go.
See, darling, like this. Like
this. Put your hands like this.
There we
OMG, is that a tattoo? No.
AMANDA GASPS
Only a little one. Me and Morten did
them to each other.
Why would you do that?
Because we're best mates.
No, you're not.
You're two kids who ended
up in the same class for a bit.
You're going to look at that scab
of hepatitis in a few years,
and you're going to say,
"What was I thinking?"
No, I won't. You will, Georgie.
I don't know anyone
from when I was your age.
What does that tell you?
That nobody likes you?
LAUGHTER
Oh, here she is. Yes!
Keep the noise down. Come on, Fi!
Bubbles for Anne. Gasping for this.
I'm gasping!
And we've got beers for boys.
CORK POPS
Oh. She's lively.
Sh!
Sorry. I'll get you a glass, man.
FI AND ANN: Cheers.
I just wanna tell you
how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down ♪
Oh!
Someone needs to be filming this.
Where's Anne?
Can I say - you look insanely
hot tonight.
I sent, like, five photos
of you to my rugby mates'
WhatsApp group and they all agree
you're a stone-cold ten.
The place looks great.
You've really polished the turd.
Speaking of which, there's a great
new sports centre in Wapping.
I know, no pressure.
Yeah, can I get, like, an empty
wine glass, please?
Thank you.
There you are. I've been looking
for you guys.
Hey!
Um I was just getting some ice.
Oh! It's hot work spinning
the old ones and twos.
Have you seen everyone?
Where's Anne?
We gotta get the whole gang
in the photo booth. Yeah!
Come on. I'm not sure where
It'll be so good. I know.
Well, me and you, then?
Come on. Upstairs, Downstairs.
THEY LAUGH
It's such a fun party, isn't it?
Oh, it's so fun.
Oh, he's so generous, isn't
he, Johannes?
Yeah. He really knows how to spend
money on things.
Yeah.
You ready? Yeah. OK.
Do you remember the thing you said
in the hospital about me
being too good for Johannes?
I don't remember saying anything.
I, uh I had just taken an ecstasy
by accident.
Oh. Kind of. And, uh, I should,
um
Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh
Ooof! That really does taste
like cappuccino.
I hate the way she talks
to me like I'm a kid.
Yeah, I know, babe.
It really annoys me.
Oh! What's up, sweetheart?
Mum's pissed off because me
and Morten got, like,
the tiniest tattoo.
Oh, like she can talk.
What? Look, I think it's really
lovely to have a little memento.
A little something to
remember, um Morten.
..Morten by at your new school.
New school? What?
Oops. Gan-Gan, what's going on?
No, it's not for me to say.
Hey, guys. Dope 'fits, for real.
Um, have any of you guys seen
Morten's mum or your mum, Darius?
Not for a bit, actually. Sorry.
OK, cool, cool.
Gucci. Um Well, enjoy
yourselves, yeah?
Gucci?!
SLURPING Anne?
Guys?
SLURPING
LAUGHTER
AMANDA: Guys? Anne?
SHE WHISPERS: Shit. It's Amanda.
Just Sh!
I feel like I'm in The Walking Dead.
What are you doing in here?
Why aren't you at my party?
It's not YOUR party, doll.
It's it's the club's party.
Yeah, I'm just not very cocktails
and canopies.
Canapes. Exactly.
See, I don't even know that.
And in fairness, we did say
we wanted something a bit
more low key.
Great.
At least we know where we all stand.
And next year, you can
have your trough of lager
and your Scotch eggs
because I won't be here.
Don't be like that.
No, I won't be here, Anne.
I'm moving to Wapping with Johannes.
What?!
No, you're not.
You can't move to Wapping.
What about everything here? Please,
Anne, this was always a stopgap.
I do not belong in South Harlesden.
I should be among people
who would appreciate this party.
I'm a canape person, Anne, and I
refuse to spend my life
amongst sausage rolls.
Ow! Fucking hot! Johannes!
Yes. Yes, what?
Yes, I will move to Wapping with
you. Oh, you
You will?! Yeah. Oh, my God!
I'm so fucking happy!
I love this woman!
I bloody love this woman!
Mwah!
I'm going to call my mother.
She'll be so relieved!
Um, coming back inside, Anne?
Uh, yeah
I can't go in there.
I don't want to see her.
Would you tell Darius I'll be
waiting outside?
Yeah, of course.
I hate her.
It's not fair. She's already made us
move school once.
I just love it here.
Oh, girls. You OK?
What's wrong? My gan-gan said Mum's
moving us to Wapping,
and I don't want to go.
It sucks. But your mammy loves you.
And she wouldn't be doing this
unless she thought
it was good for you.
And sometimes in life, we have to do
things that people don't like,
because in the long run,
it's the right thing to do
..even if people might hate you
for a bit.
MUSIC PLAYS
God's sake!
That's miles away!
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
If I could just get a minute
of your time, please.
To be honest, I can do
because I paid for all this.
HE CHUCKLES
Um
Amanda! Where's Amanda?
Amanda?
Amanda? Amanda!
There she is. Amanda, come up, girl.
Come up.
Come up here, baby.
What is this?
What's going on?
Now, I know we haven't known
each other for very long at all,
but when you've had a near-death
experience like I had recently
..it makes you realise
what's important about life.
So
GASPS
What have you done to me?
HE LAUGHS
I hardly ever do this.
What are you going to do?
Amanda? Yes?
Would you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?
Um
DOOR OPENS Don't do it, Amanda!
Anne? No, no, no, no, no
Absolutely not. What the fuck?
You can't marry him. What?
I know you don't want to hear this
because he's rich
and he has a nice flat.
It's a penthouse. It's a penthouse.
But as your best friend,
it is my duty to tell you things
that you might not want to hear.
And I'm telling you this right now.
You cannot marry him.
You're too good for him.
You're not my best friend, Anne.
Yes, I am. No, you're not.
My best friend is called Elizabeth,
and she lives in Canada.
She was my maid of honour.
Oh, well, I don't see her here now,
Amanda,
stopping you from making the biggest
mistake of your life!
We ARE best friends, whether you
like it or not.
And that's how I know
you don't love him.
And don't go telling me,
"Oh, he makes me happy,"
because you have half a sausage roll
on your chin. And if you eating
carbs isn't a cry for help,
then I don't know what is.
So, please don't marry this dick
and don't leave SoHa,
for the love of God.
Right. Well, if the drunk lady's
finished with her floor show, then,
uh I'm not even drunk!
Thanks to you.
Well, if this is you sober, madam,
then you are an embarrassment.
Hey.
Don't talk to her like that. OK.
OK. Look, I'll make it really simple
for you, right?
You know the life I can give you.
Now, do you want that life?
Or would you rather stop here,
drinking shit wine
in the arse end of nowhere?
CAR ENGINE STARTS
Here you go, darling.
JOHANNES: You know what, Amanda?!
All the best!
I know. He closed the tab.
I had to go to something
called a Londis.
Urgh.
I would have said yes.
But look where that gets you.
I'm so proud of you, darling.
Your mascara's smudged.
I can't drink this filth.
I'm sure I saw a bottle
of peach schnapps in there.
SHE GROANS
I need to talk to you right now.
Oh, OK.
Should we? No, no, no. Right now.
Right
Bleurgh!
OK. What the fuck is?
We're screwed.
I borrowed too much for Double Shin,
and it's taken out both Shins.
I've tried everything,
but the numbers just don't add up.
SHE GULPS
So, yeah. We're screwed.
Good. What?
I've barely seen you smile
in the last two years.
In fact, I've barely SEEN you
in the last two years.
No, I want all the success in the
world for you, darling,
but if it's not making you happy
and this means that I might get
you back, then
..just let it go.
We'll be OK.
I can just start selling
my ceramic pots.
SHE VOMITS
Yeah, could be an emcee.
Anne?
I just wanted to say, um
..your sausage rolls
are actually delicious.
I know.
She's right, you know.
Well, no, Elizabeth was my best
friend.
But with the distance, we sort
of No, not that.
You are too good for him.
Are you coming, big man?
Yep.
Ned.
There is space in the popemobile if
you want a lift back to my house.
My house! Well, I'm 34,
and you're 34A, so, uh
Mummy, kids, come on,
we're going home.
Mum, have you got a tattoo?
What?
I didn't tell her.
Well, thanks a lot, Mummy.
Right! Johannes. Don't forget
your aftershave
and anti-snoring nasal strips.
Thank you, Buki.
And your athlete's foot spray.
Ah, yeah.
It really flared up
under my bandage.
But I guess if
you get a fungus hot and damp,
you're going to have issues, eh?
THEY LAUGH
I'm not going to miss sharing
a bathroom with four people,
but I'm really going to miss you.
Oh! I'm going to miss you, too!
But if you will live on the other
side of London
Actually, Amanda -
I got you a little surprise.
Oh! As a thank you for looking
after me while I was recovering
from my war wound.
Johannes, it was a snake bite.
That snake went to war with me,
Amanda.
It wanted me dead.
Hmm
Ta-da!
Oh
Oh! Oh, my God, Johannes!
Yah. It's a hybrid - like us.
Cos I love petrol
and you love electric.
And look, look, look.
It's got a personalised
number plate.
It says, "Sensuous."
Yeah, it does!
But my business is "Senuous".
I don't see what you're saying.
Oh, I don't want to be difficult,
but it's got too many 5s.
It should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
Well, you have to disguise some
of the letters as numbers because
No, I know that, sweetheart,
but you've done 5-E-N-5-U-0-U-5.
And it should be 5-E-N-U-0-U-5.
Amanda, I'm confused. Do you want
the car or not? YES!
I love I love I love it!
CAR REVS
You know when people say,
"It's like watching a car crash
in slow motion"?
This is what they mean.
Johannes bought her that.
Apart from the fact I'm
a massive lesbian,
I do not understand what she
sees in that huge plate of gammon.
Yeah. I think we were
all rooting for the snake.
FI LAUGHS
Eh-up, here she comes. Hi!
Hi, Georgie!
What's with the wristbands?
I dunno.
RSI? Too much texting?
Nice wheels, Amanda! Yeah.
Little thank you from Johannes for
being his sexy Florence Nightingale.
Christ. No-one ever tell him
the going rate for a nurse?
What's the price tag on that thing?
I didn't ask, and I don't care.
PHONE BUZZES
It's a very lovely gift.
Diego. 98 grand.
Fi!
I said I didn't care.
Is it six figures with the sunroof?
Yeah.
Hi! Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Anne!
Great news, you guys!
The Bierkeller says he'll do us
a keg of Hoppy Seconds at cost.
Oh, that's great. Yeah. What's this?
Oh, we're just trying to organise
the end-of-season awards party
for the club. Oh.
Last year was such a blast,
so we're going for the same again.
So, keg of beer, bit of a barbecue,
Mal and Ned's famous disco.
Anne, no. Come on.
Surely we can aim a little
higher that.
That's all the subs will cover,
sadly.
We're not exactly
Tottenham's Hotspur.
How are you a coach?
Well, if it's a money issue,
we might be able to lend a hand.
The royal "we"? Johannes and I.
If you don't mind making
a little donation
Sure we wouldn't say no to
some cava and a bucket of Haribo.
Anne, that's not how you spend
money.
Oi! Posh Spice!
You've blocked me in!
It's fine. "Sensuous"?!
Move it or I'll slash your tyres!
Actually, I'm going to move it.
It's actually "Senuous"!
The middle S is a 5.
PHONE RINGS
SHE SIGHS
Mummy. I'm mid co-lab. I know.
I'm actually in the market for,
um, a fizzy tap.
You've got a fizzy tap.
Look, if you're bored, why don't you
give Fi a call, see if she's around?
I'm not bored.
I'm just thinking of you,
all cooped up in your showroom.
And I was thinking,
you're looking a bit
Thin? ..tired.
You've got bags under your eyes.
Well, I'm fine.
Thank you. Amanda! OK.
I've gotta go, Mummy.
Yes?
SHE CLEARS HER THROA
Amanda, can you do a delivery for me
to east London?
Do I look like a postman, Daniel?
Look, it's 500 quid's worth of taps
and they've asked for you by name.
Who orders £500 worth of taps?
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Ah! Ah!
Oh, man.
Worth every penny.
The taps! I'm talking about the taps
I ordered. Johannes!
Sorry, I just missed this so much.
Listen, Johannes.
Um, I was wondering if you thought
it'd be fun to sponsor
the kids' football awards this year?
Just cos it's such a deprived area
and, um
Yeah, sure.
Really? Yeah. Oh!
Oh, they'll be thrilled.
Could be a nice little, uh,
send-off.
A what? Well, I've been thinking
about your living situation.
And, er
Oh, my God! Johannes, you've bought
me a house?!
SHRIEKS: Oh, my God!
I haven't bought you a house,
Amanda.
I've only just bought you a car!
HE LAUGHS Oh!
Greedy birdy! No, these
are the keys are to THIS place.
I thought you and the kids might
like to move in. Oh!
There's tons of space,
got a bathroom each.
The guy upstairs lives in Singapore,
and the guy downstairs had his
assets frozen, so talk about quiet.
Yeah. And look at the view.
You know we get seals here?
What about the kids' schools?
Oh, I'll just pay for St Anthony's.
It's much better than the dump
they're at now.
God, that's so kind.
Can I think about it?
Yeah, of course. It's a big step.
Yes! For both of us! Yes!
50 years a bachelor and I'm
throwing my keys around willy-nilly.
What have you done to me, Amanda?
I've lost my bloody mind.
Johannes, can we? Let's not say
anything to the kids just yet.
Just I need to find the right
time to talk to them about it.
Anything for milady.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, look, look!
Look, a seal!
Oh, wow! Look at the little fella.
Awww! Ha-ha!
Oh, wait, wait.
No, it's a
It's a tyre.
Oh.
Yes, so we'll just wait a couple
more minutes until we have everyone
and then Sorry I'm late.
Here she is. Mad day at my co-lab.
Budge up, Anne. Sorry, Amanda, I'll
get out of your way.
OK! Right, let's get started.
Great. OK.
So, um, I think you all know Amanda,
who has very kindly offered to
sponsor this year's event.
Namaste, guys. I'm just glad
we can give something back.
So I think we can all
agree that, like,
last year's party was pretty
awesome, so, as the old saying goes,
you know, "If it ain't broke, don't
go tinkering with the original."
I just think we've had
a terrific year as a club
and it's time we had a bit more
pride in ourselves.
You know, we could, like, park the
barbecue and get a caterer in.
Oh, I could do my sausage rolls!
Because there ain't no party like
an Anne's sausage party.
No, thank you, Anne. No.
We are getting professionals in.
Can you see if the people who
did my 40th birthday are available?
They've gone out of business.
In a year? Well, that was actually
five years ago,
because you're forty fi I'm
thinking photo booth,
churros machine, um
I'm spitballing here, guys.
A mixologist. Professional DJ.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on!
The only reason I got involved with
any of this football shit
is so me and Ned can DJ the party.
OK, Mal. Sure.
Though, it isn't all about you.
Can I just get some plain old cava?
I'm not great with the cocktails.
It mixes together
fine in the metal thingy,
but once it hits my colon, it's
like the rapids in Center Parcs.
Fine, we'll get some cava.
Great. Yeah.
Well, that's sorted, then!
I will call my friend
at Bluebird and get him started
on the cocktail design.
And you call the churros people.
That was a really brilliant idea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's great to see her back
to her old self.
She's had a bit of a crappy year,
so maybe just let her have
this one thing.
That's what they said about Poland.
Yeah. So we just need
Mika, to the left.
No, your other left.
Actually. Sorry. No, I was right.
To the left.
Right, right.
Yeah. No, I didn't order cava.
That stuff tastes like fizzy piss.
You'll have to send it back
and knock it off the bill, yeah?
Yeah. That's it, that's it,
that's it.
Just put it just there.
Would you look at this?
It's like the New York Mets Gala
in here.
That's two different things,
Anne, but, yeah.
Love the banner. Mm.
Johannes got that printed.
Such a nice thought.
Look, I know you said not to,
Amanda, but I made some of my famous
sausage rolls, just in case.
They're not famous, Anne.
They are in my house. Yes.
That's not what "famous" means.
Let's leave the catering
to the caterers, shall we?
OK, everyone, all hands on deck!
Make the body move ♪
Ah, yeah!
THEY LAUGH
Sorry, er, what does
an Off-side Mule have in it?
It's a Moscow Mule. Oh,
that's very good.
And the, um, the Pina Red-Carda?
It's a Pina Colada.
Oh, that's very clever.
Hey. Bleurgh!
Huh! Someone's on it.
WHISPERS: I have to tell Fi
the business is going under.
What, here?
Yep. Safety in numbers.
And coming out to my parents
taught me that I require
a very specific amount of alcohol
before I reach a place
of complete honesty.
What's the amount?
Oh, it's a very delicate balance.
The trick is to stop just south
of vomiting.
Hmm.
Did you decide on a cocktail?
Oh, no.
Could I please have a glass of cava?
We haven't got cava. What? Hey!
Could I get a SoHa Moja
and a Golden Baller
for Mr Van der Velde, please?
Amanda, you forgot my cava.
Yes. Johannes sent it back.
He says it's not a proper drink,
Anne.
It's just Spain pretending
to be France.
Have something else.
Come on, be adventurous!
And for you? Just a beer, please.
Sorry, we ain't got beer tonight.
It's just cocktails.
The Aussie guy said so.
JOHANNES: Welcome. This must be your
beautiful wife or girlfriend.
I don't know. Oh, yeah. Because
football fans famously hate beer.
Come on! You can have your tinnies
and your cheap bubbles any time.
Let's keep it classy for one night.
I'm trying to raise the bar here.
Literally.
Thank you, Jude.
MUSIC PLAYS
CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS
Oh!
Mummy, look at you.
Are you staying?
Well, the kids virtually begged me,
and so I jiggled a few things
around in the diary. Oh, that's
great.
Georgie, take the wristband off.
You look like Andy Murray.
I like it - it's cool.
It doesn't go with the dress,
darling.
Well, neither did
your plaid shirts and chokers,
but we let it go.
Actually, Mummy, I'm glad I've
got you. What, generally, or?
Don't say anything to the kids,
but Johannes has asked us to move
into his place in Wapping.
Well, that's a very kind offer.
Yeah, he's so generous,
and he worships me.
But I don't know if it feels like
things are moving too fast or
Well, sometimes you have to move
fast, don't you?
I mean, you're not getting
any younger.
Well, none of us are.
I think my dermatologist
would disagree.
Look, I know I pretended
to like this place.
You haven't. Wapping is the new
Holland Park.
I'm so excited.
Good for you, darling.
Thank you, Mummy. Please welcome to
the stage
Oh! It's starting. Get yourself a
drink.
Good evening, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming.
We've got lots to get
through this evening.
Lots of awards to give out.
Could I have a Goal Fashioned
without the bitters
or the soda water?
That's just a whisky. Yeah.
Three of those - in one glass.
Well, it's been a very positive
season for the under-11s.
Our unbeaten record in ten
of our 18 games.
Thanks.
FI COUGHS
Christ! What the hell's in that?
Oh, that that might be mine.
Here.
Oh, my God, is that a tattoo?
It's just pen. Chill. Pen, my hole.
That is a prison tattoo.
Have you seen that?
It's not a big deal.
Please tell me Georgie hasn't
got one. Yeah, of course.
We're best mates.
FI LAUGHS
TONY: Please put your hands together
for
..JJ. Woo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on!
And now for the most improved
award
..the award for
the Most Improved Player.
The most improved player joined us
at the beginning of the season
and has quickly become an absolute
lynchpin of the team.
I can't wait to see what she does
next season.
So let's put our hands together
for Georgie Hughes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!
WHOOPING
Johannes, move This is my own
creation.
I call it the Van der Velde
Slammer.
Georgie's up. Johannes, sit down.
Please, sit down.
Georgie! And well done, Georgie.
Up next, it's the under-15s
category.
Didn't get my photo! Sophie Webster.
Come up and collect the award
for Player of the Year.
CHEERING
Congratulations, Sophie. Right,
let's crack on.
Finally, please welcome our club
secretary, Anne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on, Anne!
Last but not least, um,
a huge thank you to our sponsors
Ah, you're welcome!
Dick without whose generosity
tonight would be so different.
Um, a great big round of applause
for Amanda.
Yes! Thank you.
Come on! Come on, come on.
There she is. All right, my baby!
Woo! Thanks, everyone.
Wow, that is a lot of dewberry
goodness.
Um
Thank you, of course,
to Anne for, um
Uh
Thanks, Anne. Um
So, on behalf of the Van der Velde
Senuous Foundation,
I just want to
say what a privilege it is to
support the little guys,
you know, because, um, we might
be up here, but
..we never forget about down there.
So, um, have a great evening
and enjoy the party.
All right, baby! That's my Amanda!
Thank you. Thanks, Anne.
Oh!
Whoa, baby
Hey Did I say?
Ooh Whoa, baby
Hey
Oh, be
Oh, I'll bring you flowers ♪
Hey. Hey. Uh, listen, I was
wondering, could you play me
a little bit of Rick Astley?
I don't think I have any.
Well, maybe you could just plug
your phone in or something.
I'm more of a vinyl guy, you know?
Old-school DJ.
Yeah. Well, maybe you could make
an exception, seeing as I'm paying
for all this.
Yeah, right. I'll, uh
I'll stick it on after this for you.
Rick Astley, yeah?
Rick Astley, yeah.
What does she see in that dickhead?
Oh, you know, she seems happy,
and I think she's really into him.
I don't know about you, but I can't
drink another Crossbar-gerhita.
I'm going to sneak out, get some
beers.
Anyone want anything?
Ah! Now you're talking my language.
No, we can't, because Amanda
will kill us.
She wants everything all fancy
in here.
Well, if you can't drink it in here,
there's always the shipping
container out the back.
Yes, mate! Cava! Two bottles.
I have money. Sh!
Woo!
Georgie! Woo!
Sweetheart, come on.
It'll be like when the Beckhams
do it. Here. No.
OK, well, just take
the wristband off.
No, it's cool.
Just for the photo.
You won't want to look back
on yourself in sports casual.
Oh. OK.
There we go. There we go.
See, darling, like this. Like
this. Put your hands like this.
There we
OMG, is that a tattoo? No.
AMANDA GASPS
Only a little one. Me and Morten did
them to each other.
Why would you do that?
Because we're best mates.
No, you're not.
You're two kids who ended
up in the same class for a bit.
You're going to look at that scab
of hepatitis in a few years,
and you're going to say,
"What was I thinking?"
No, I won't. You will, Georgie.
I don't know anyone
from when I was your age.
What does that tell you?
That nobody likes you?
LAUGHTER
Oh, here she is. Yes!
Keep the noise down. Come on, Fi!
Bubbles for Anne. Gasping for this.
I'm gasping!
And we've got beers for boys.
CORK POPS
Oh. She's lively.
Sh!
Sorry. I'll get you a glass, man.
FI AND ANN: Cheers.
I just wanna tell you
how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down ♪
Oh!
Someone needs to be filming this.
Where's Anne?
Can I say - you look insanely
hot tonight.
I sent, like, five photos
of you to my rugby mates'
WhatsApp group and they all agree
you're a stone-cold ten.
The place looks great.
You've really polished the turd.
Speaking of which, there's a great
new sports centre in Wapping.
I know, no pressure.
Yeah, can I get, like, an empty
wine glass, please?
Thank you.
There you are. I've been looking
for you guys.
Hey!
Um I was just getting some ice.
Oh! It's hot work spinning
the old ones and twos.
Have you seen everyone?
Where's Anne?
We gotta get the whole gang
in the photo booth. Yeah!
Come on. I'm not sure where
It'll be so good. I know.
Well, me and you, then?
Come on. Upstairs, Downstairs.
THEY LAUGH
It's such a fun party, isn't it?
Oh, it's so fun.
Oh, he's so generous, isn't
he, Johannes?
Yeah. He really knows how to spend
money on things.
Yeah.
You ready? Yeah. OK.
Do you remember the thing you said
in the hospital about me
being too good for Johannes?
I don't remember saying anything.
I, uh I had just taken an ecstasy
by accident.
Oh. Kind of. And, uh, I should,
um
Yeah, yeah. No, I, uh
Ooof! That really does taste
like cappuccino.
I hate the way she talks
to me like I'm a kid.
Yeah, I know, babe.
It really annoys me.
Oh! What's up, sweetheart?
Mum's pissed off because me
and Morten got, like,
the tiniest tattoo.
Oh, like she can talk.
What? Look, I think it's really
lovely to have a little memento.
A little something to
remember, um Morten.
..Morten by at your new school.
New school? What?
Oops. Gan-Gan, what's going on?
No, it's not for me to say.
Hey, guys. Dope 'fits, for real.
Um, have any of you guys seen
Morten's mum or your mum, Darius?
Not for a bit, actually. Sorry.
OK, cool, cool.
Gucci. Um Well, enjoy
yourselves, yeah?
Gucci?!
SLURPING Anne?
Guys?
SLURPING
LAUGHTER
AMANDA: Guys? Anne?
SHE WHISPERS: Shit. It's Amanda.
Just Sh!
I feel like I'm in The Walking Dead.
What are you doing in here?
Why aren't you at my party?
It's not YOUR party, doll.
It's it's the club's party.
Yeah, I'm just not very cocktails
and canopies.
Canapes. Exactly.
See, I don't even know that.
And in fairness, we did say
we wanted something a bit
more low key.
Great.
At least we know where we all stand.
And next year, you can
have your trough of lager
and your Scotch eggs
because I won't be here.
Don't be like that.
No, I won't be here, Anne.
I'm moving to Wapping with Johannes.
What?!
No, you're not.
You can't move to Wapping.
What about everything here? Please,
Anne, this was always a stopgap.
I do not belong in South Harlesden.
I should be among people
who would appreciate this party.
I'm a canape person, Anne, and I
refuse to spend my life
amongst sausage rolls.
Ow! Fucking hot! Johannes!
Yes. Yes, what?
Yes, I will move to Wapping with
you. Oh, you
You will?! Yeah. Oh, my God!
I'm so fucking happy!
I love this woman!
I bloody love this woman!
Mwah!
I'm going to call my mother.
She'll be so relieved!
Um, coming back inside, Anne?
Uh, yeah
I can't go in there.
I don't want to see her.
Would you tell Darius I'll be
waiting outside?
Yeah, of course.
I hate her.
It's not fair. She's already made us
move school once.
I just love it here.
Oh, girls. You OK?
What's wrong? My gan-gan said Mum's
moving us to Wapping,
and I don't want to go.
It sucks. But your mammy loves you.
And she wouldn't be doing this
unless she thought
it was good for you.
And sometimes in life, we have to do
things that people don't like,
because in the long run,
it's the right thing to do
..even if people might hate you
for a bit.
MUSIC PLAYS
God's sake!
That's miles away!
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
If I could just get a minute
of your time, please.
To be honest, I can do
because I paid for all this.
HE CHUCKLES
Um
Amanda! Where's Amanda?
Amanda?
Amanda? Amanda!
There she is. Amanda, come up, girl.
Come up.
Come up here, baby.
What is this?
What's going on?
Now, I know we haven't known
each other for very long at all,
but when you've had a near-death
experience like I had recently
..it makes you realise
what's important about life.
So
GASPS
What have you done to me?
HE LAUGHS
I hardly ever do this.
What are you going to do?
Amanda? Yes?
Would you do me the honour
of becoming my wife?
Um
DOOR OPENS Don't do it, Amanda!
Anne? No, no, no, no, no
Absolutely not. What the fuck?
You can't marry him. What?
I know you don't want to hear this
because he's rich
and he has a nice flat.
It's a penthouse. It's a penthouse.
But as your best friend,
it is my duty to tell you things
that you might not want to hear.
And I'm telling you this right now.
You cannot marry him.
You're too good for him.
You're not my best friend, Anne.
Yes, I am. No, you're not.
My best friend is called Elizabeth,
and she lives in Canada.
She was my maid of honour.
Oh, well, I don't see her here now,
Amanda,
stopping you from making the biggest
mistake of your life!
We ARE best friends, whether you
like it or not.
And that's how I know
you don't love him.
And don't go telling me,
"Oh, he makes me happy,"
because you have half a sausage roll
on your chin. And if you eating
carbs isn't a cry for help,
then I don't know what is.
So, please don't marry this dick
and don't leave SoHa,
for the love of God.
Right. Well, if the drunk lady's
finished with her floor show, then,
uh I'm not even drunk!
Thanks to you.
Well, if this is you sober, madam,
then you are an embarrassment.
Hey.
Don't talk to her like that. OK.
OK. Look, I'll make it really simple
for you, right?
You know the life I can give you.
Now, do you want that life?
Or would you rather stop here,
drinking shit wine
in the arse end of nowhere?
CAR ENGINE STARTS
Here you go, darling.
JOHANNES: You know what, Amanda?!
All the best!
I know. He closed the tab.
I had to go to something
called a Londis.
Urgh.
I would have said yes.
But look where that gets you.
I'm so proud of you, darling.
Your mascara's smudged.
I can't drink this filth.
I'm sure I saw a bottle
of peach schnapps in there.
SHE GROANS
I need to talk to you right now.
Oh, OK.
Should we? No, no, no. Right now.
Right
Bleurgh!
OK. What the fuck is?
We're screwed.
I borrowed too much for Double Shin,
and it's taken out both Shins.
I've tried everything,
but the numbers just don't add up.
SHE GULPS
So, yeah. We're screwed.
Good. What?
I've barely seen you smile
in the last two years.
In fact, I've barely SEEN you
in the last two years.
No, I want all the success in the
world for you, darling,
but if it's not making you happy
and this means that I might get
you back, then
..just let it go.
We'll be OK.
I can just start selling
my ceramic pots.
SHE VOMITS
Yeah, could be an emcee.
Anne?
I just wanted to say, um
..your sausage rolls
are actually delicious.
I know.
She's right, you know.
Well, no, Elizabeth was my best
friend.
But with the distance, we sort
of No, not that.
You are too good for him.
Are you coming, big man?
Yep.
Ned.
There is space in the popemobile if
you want a lift back to my house.
My house! Well, I'm 34,
and you're 34A, so, uh
Mummy, kids, come on,
we're going home.
Mum, have you got a tattoo?
What?
I didn't tell her.
Well, thanks a lot, Mummy.