American Housewife (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Ugh! This Thanksgiving is gonna be the worst! You don't know that.
The years my dad comes are great, and my mom years are disasters.
You should really try to appreciate the time you have with your mom.
Spoken like a man who drove his mother all the way to Oregon and enjoyed it.
Well, our book club had just ended, and the last three books were set in the Pacific Northwest.
It just made sense.
[Groans.]
I just want a peaceful Thanksgiving.
I have nothing to be thankful for! Your three beautiful children are right here.
Katie: Called to school by Dr.
Ellie great Special Ed teacher, terrible necklace-chooser.
Anna-Kat's behavior has been a little heightened lately.
She organized the stuffed animals by fur color.
Looks a little race-war-y.
Is anything going on at home? Any changes? Well, her favorite toy pony, Frenchie Oh, I know about Frenchie's leg.
Mm.
Anything else out of the ordinary? Uh, the holidays can be stressful for parents, and sensitive kids can pick up on that.
My mother.
She's coming for Thanksgiving.
Ahh.
I-Is that complicated for you? No.
It's pretty simple.
She's the worst.
My mom's the biggest narcissist on the planet.
She was a Pan Am stewardess back in the day when it meant something.
But was she there for me growing up? No.
She traveled around the world.
Well, Anna-Kat is Did she come to one of my basketball games? No.
Was she at my back-to-school night? No.
Did she ever check out my break-dancing crew? Never! All she does is come around and expect everybody to fawn all over her and listen to her talk about herself.
Unh-unh.
Not in my house.
She was not there for me, and I am not gonna Do you Do you have a pillow? We're actually here to talk about Anna-Kat.
And right now, she is feeding off of your anxiety.
Uh, I wondered if you'd given any more thought to putting her on medication.
Dr.
Ellie, you know where I stand with this.
She is 6 years old.
I don't think screwing around with her brain this young is a good idea.
We'll revisit this if I find a bag of cat heads in her backpack.
Dr.
Ellie says Anna-Kat is feeding off my anxiety.
She brought up the medication again.
I like how she's not afraid of you.
So, instead, she taught me a few coping techniques for her.
She can either squeeze a stress ball or sing a song in her head.
But I don't want to open the door to "Frozen" again, - so I just gave her the ball.
- Here's an idea don't let your mother stress you out.
This is not me.
This is all her.
No matter what the occasion, the attention always has to be on her.
Silent Night Holy night Both: All is calm All is bright Round yon virgin Mother and child Holy infant, so tender and Oh, open mine first.
Oh! Wasn't I fabulous? That was me in my prime.
But no reason to be jealous! I have one for each of you.
All right.
You're welcome.
Ow! It hurts so much! Every time I bend my elbow, it makes this weird clicking noise.
Is Is that something I should be worried about? Can you hear it? All that may be true, but maybe the bigger problem is how you react.
Sleep in heavenly pe Sit down! Jesus does not want you singing about him! No body wants these! Get this thing out! It's not quite time to push.
I mean my mother! Greg, she forced you to walk her to her car.
You missed the birth of our firstborn.
I did, but I saw the sheets.
I'm good.
All that wouldn't have happened if you didn't let her get under your skin.
You're right.
She's driving me crazy.
And I'm driving Anna-Kat crazy.
Next thing you know, we've got a backpack full of cat heads.
- What? - It's a medical term.
No matter what my mother does, I'm going to ignore her and stay calm.
Or you can sit down and finally tell her how you feel.
God, no.
I'm saving that stuff to say to her coffin.
Angela, I really need you for Thanksgiving to be a buffer for my mom.
Mnh-mnh.
Too late.
I'm already Doris' buffer.
[Sighs.]
Doris: Ugh.
My parents are so grateful for all the money I give them on Thanksgiving.
- It's disgusting.
- I really need a buffer! Hi, everybody! - Both: Hey.
- Hi, Viv.
[Gasps.]
Oh, my gosh! That cheeseburger is huge.
It's just the size that it comes as.
It's enormous.
It's a normal-sized cheeseburger, Viv.
[Chuckles.]
I love cheeseburgers.
I eat them all the time.
[Chuckles.]
Sure you do.
Yeah, we completely believe that you eat cheeseburgers all the time.
Look at me! I'm taking a bite! That's my food.
- Mmm! So good.
- Okay.
So, um, are you guys gonna be home or away for Thanksgiving? Home.
Allen is gonna be in the city with the boys and his ex-wife.
They still do holidays and vacations together.
- Don't you go, too? - Mnh-mnh.
His ex-wife hates me.
- Mm.
- Hates me.
Hates me.
She thinks I stole her husband.
Which I kind of did.
But not on purpose.
You realize that's not a good story to tell people, right? I know! So, I'm gonna be all alone.
- Mm.
- By myself.
- Yeah.
- On Thanksgiving.
This coming Thursday.
Well, enjoy the peace and quiet.
I will! Okay! [Laughs.]
- Bye! - Bye.
No way.
My mom will already be on my last nerve.
I don't want Viv getting on nerves I haven't even discovered yet.
Taylor: Touchdown! That's another 5 bucks you owe me.
Guys, this is my teaching assistant, Vali.
Vali, these are my kids Oliver, Taylor, and Anna-Kat.
The boy seems shorter than I imagined.
TV off, guys.
But we have a bet on the game.
Thanksgiving isn't about football.
It pretty much is.
It's only not when you have a dad who isn't into sports.
I'm into sports! Name three NFL quarterbacks.
I don't have to prove anything to you.
TV off.
[Scoffs.]
Greg! You're killing me! Why do you always invite one of your TAs? You mean invite someone from a foreign land with nowhere to go to join us on a day when we open our hearts? The last thing that I need Hi! We are so happy that you are with us.
I like your track suit.
I must say, you are very beautiful.
I like your size.
Okay, that was creepy.
It's no less creepy than you hitting on my mom.
I do not hit on your mom.
You always kiss her on the cheek and try to make her like you.
You're like, [High-pitched voice.]
"Oh, that dress is just perfect for the season!" Why does your voice always get higher when you do an impression of me? - [Doorbell rings.]
- [Gasps.]
[Normal voice.]
That's her.
My heart is racing.
[Sighs.]
I need that stress ball.
You can do this.
- [Sighs.]
- Stay calm.
Don't let her get to you.
Do it for Anna-Kat.
Do it for me.
Okay, I can see I lost you.
Do it for Anna-Kat.
Okay.
[Dramatic music plays.]
Relax.
There's no way she can make an entire family Thanksgiving about herself.
[Exhales deeply.]
Oh, God.
She upped her game.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I'll just take this heavy bag upstairs, then.
[Chuckles.]
- All by myself.
- Okay, great.
Be careful of that clicky elbow.
[Suitcase clattering.]
What happened to your mom? Absolutely nothing.
She is looking for attention.
You didn't ask? She could be really hurt.
Oh, please.
That thing isn't even bolted into her head.
- I should go help her.
- No! You will be playing right into her hand.
I'm a good person! You knew what you were getting into when you married me.
Okay, but no crawling up her butt.
No, like, [High-pitched voice.]
"Oh, we're just so happy you're here!" - I don't sound like that.
- Taylor: Dad, did you say something? All right.
So.
How was your trip? Not easy, as you can imagine.
Anna-Kat and I saw a video of this guy going through security who was caught smuggling a monkey in his underpants.
It was supposed to be sedated, but it was awake.
- And very angry.
- Mm.
Well, uh, we're happy you're here.
I [Stammering.]
Check on the, uh, Thanksgiving.
Just leave it.
Grandma is known for pretending, so even though she looks hurt, remember the important thing is that she's not hurt.
So no one talk about the monkey bars on Grandma's head.
I love watching your mouth move.
Dude.
Anna-Kat, you don't need to squeeze your stress ball.
Mom is fine.
We are like E.
T.
and Elliott.
Whatever happens to one happens to the other.
Oh! You're like me.
So you get a weird feeling in your tummy whenever you see a mommy that's taller than a daddy.
Totally.
Can I steal you for a sec? I, uh inadvertently lip-kissed your mom.
Greg.
I didn't enjoy it! Why do you even have to say that? [Laughs.]
There's no way everyone's staying quiet about Grandma.
You don't think so? Care to make it more interesting? I'll bet on it.
It's on! When have I ever high-fived? You know, when I was a stewardess, before every flight, I had to get on the scale.
And if you weighed over 118, they put you on diet pills and only let you fly out of Jersey and Detroit.
That's terrible.
No, no, no.
It kept me looking fantastic.
Mom! That's degrading.
Mama, where's my stress ball? Oh.
Honey, we'll find it.
And I feel ya.
What, so now she's using a stress ball? When the need arises.
Knock, knock! Happy Thanksgiving! - Viv? - So fun! Greg saw me through the window and waved me in! Hi, everybody! [Gasps.]
Look at your table! Yeah.
Oh! Wow.
Are Are these from the street? - [Sighs.]
- You know what? You're lucky I'm here.
I'm gonna let you use my fall tablescape.
There's nothing wrong with my table, Viv.
[Laughs.]
You are so funny! [Laughs.]
Greg! [Gasps.]
Hi.
I'm Viv.
It's so nice to meet you.
You're too bony for me.
I didn't think that you could do anything worse than making out with my mom, but congratulations.
You topped it! Well, she was desperately peering through the window.
What was I supposed to do? The same thing that you do if someone asks if you have a minute to save the environment You look at your shoes and you keep moving.
Darling, you are stunning.
Oh, those stems! Tell me Were you ever a stewardess? Why, no, but thank you.
I'm Viv! I'm Kathryn, Katie's mother.
[Gasps.]
Kathryn, forgive me.
I'm sure you've been talking about this all day, but I have to ask What happened to you? No-o-o-o-o! Pay up, girl! Mom says you're not allowed to call me that.
Well, it all started three weeks ago when I got into a small but very severe car accident.
- Oh, my gosh.
- What's the other thing Dr.
Ellie told Anna-Kat to do to stay calm? Oh, yes! Sing a song in your head! No! Not that song! Too late! Don't let them in Don't let them see Be the good girl you always have to be stops.
I hit him.
- Oh! - So I'm driving Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know But now they know What are you doing? We spent three years getting that song out of this house.
It's spilling out.
Let it go Let it go Oh, dear Lord.
Can't hold it back anymore Honey, you have got to calm down.
Isn't it a good thing your mom has someone to talk to? Now we've got the neediest woman in the world coming together with the biggest attention whore in the world, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid.
So, no! Not good! I'm gonna use a word Selfless.
You didn't want to ruin their holiday by not showing up.
I don't like to make things about me.
You know, people think of me as a giving person.
Oh, I can't take it.
I'm blowing the lid off this web of lies.
I'm gonna "Brady Bunch" her.
You know I wasn't allowed to watch television as a child.
Well, this man blamed Carol for injuring his neck in a car accident, and then Mike and the kids went to court, and then Mike dropped a briefcase, which caused the man with the fake neck brace to whip his head around, proving that his neck wasn't hurt at all.
The whole family went to court for a traffic accident? [Sighs.]
Kathryn: The doctor was supposed to be examining my neck, - but his eyes were journeying.
- It's quite a journey.
Mama, I can't find my ball.
Try to find anything else to squeeze.
Kathryn: You know, I had him on a flight once to JFK.
Viv: No! He kept on pressing the help button.
It was supposedly because he didn't know how to work the Damn it! [Sighs.]
I thought you said the "Brady Bunch" man dropped his briefcase, not his husband's spaghetti plate! Mom! You okay? Oh, she's fine.
[Chuckles.]
As I was saying Let it go, let it go - [Plastic crinkling.]
- That perfect girl is gone was fawning all over me.
- [Crinkling continues.]
- Anna-Kat.
Grandma's talking.
Here I stand In the light of day - Let the storm rage o-o-o-on - [Crinkling continues.]
Anna-Kat, please! Isn't it about time that somebody put this kid on medication? [Gasps.]
Medication? You want to put my daughter on medication because she interrupted your stupid story about a jungle gym on your head?! That's it! I'm taking it off! Aah! Ladies! Please, stop! Everyone else, there's spinach and artichoke dip in a bread bowl.
There's something about strong women that just gets me going.
Again, that's my mother and my grandmother.
You're a lucky man.
[Groans.]
Oh, my God.
I cupped your boob.
- Attacked and fondled? - Didn't fondle.
- Aye! - [Scoffs.]
The dip is delicious.
Hey, Greg.
How are you? How's your holiday going? Normally, I go upstairs and smooth things over, but this time, I can't.
Your mother would assume I was there to bed her.
Well, I'm not going up there.
She was completely out of line with Anna-Kat.
I agree the timing was way off, but it really wasn't that terrible.
It's not like Dr.
Ellie hasn't suggested medication for Anna-Kat before.
I am not willing to go down that road until we've exhausted all the other roads.
I totally agree with you, but it's there for us if we feel like she needs it.
Because the singing in your head, from what we've seen today not effective.
My mom just wants to drug Anna-Kat so she doesn't have to deal with her.
The same reason why she wanted to fly around the world so she didn't have to deal with me.
Why are you telling me this? You should be telling her.
Greg! This is coffin talk.
You know, you're critical of your mom, but you're the one who's thinking of herself right now.
You're acting just like her.
So, this is it, Greg.
This is where your life ends.
Sweetheart, this is your chance to have a real conversation with your mother.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
I've never been able to get through to her.
At least you know how to touch her.
Hey.
- Everything okay? - [Sighs.]
Oh, my God.
So good! I know it's none of my business Here's where you stop talking.
- but if you want my opinion - I don't.
medication has done wonders for my step-kids.
- Viv, I am not gonna - I get it.
I had my doubts about it going in, too.
But those kids were totally out of control, and once I started taking these, I found them much easier to handle.
So, these pills help you smile through the pain? I feel nothing.
Mm.
So, turns out Anna-Kat doesn't need drugs We do.
Oh, I remember these.
Can we go again? Sure.
I'm happy to take more of your money.
Gambling's awesome.
I think it's gonna be a problem for me later in life.
Whoo! - [Laughs.]
- I feel good.
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
Mom, all you do is try to get attention, and all I do is yell at you.
We have got to figure out a way to stop that.
- Mm.
- I mean, come on, Mom.
What is with this thing? Well, it's it's from my car accident.
I called you about it, but you never followed up.
Because you said it was nothing.
When I hear the word "nothing," I move on.
Okay, can I just ask you Why is it so hard for you to be there for me? Seriously? When were you there for me? You picked a life of travel and adventure over being there for your kids! I sound happy, but I'm very upset! Katie, I know that I wasn't a good parent.
You know, whatever that thing was that's supposed to kick in just never kicked in.
Well, maybe because you were such a crappy mom, that's why I try so hard to be a good mom.
Oh! So I made you a good mom.
Mnh-mnh.
That's not what I'm saying.
Not what I'm saying.
And I'm sorry that I said that about Anna-Kat.
And I'm sorry that I missed so many things when you were younger.
- Mm.
- You know, like that weird, um, break-dancing thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- It was always so important to you.
Well, it's never too late, Mom.
Okay? [Chuckles.]
Okay.
Unh! Unh-unh! Unh! Wow.
Mm-mm-mm! That's something.
[Snorts.]
All right, why don't you help me get out of this thing, and then we can go downstairs and enjoy ourselves before Viv's happy pills wear off? I mean, where did you get this thing? Oh, I visited Ruth Jackson in the home.
- Mm-hmm.
- And this was in her closet.
- Mm.
- That woman doesn't have a clue.
- No.
- Half the time, she goes to lunch nude.
Thank you for your gift earlier.
- Oh! - It did the job.
[Chuckles.]
I've got gobs of them.
[Both chuckle.]
I'm really glad you came.
Wow.
These pills are powerful.
- Vali: Hey, Katie.
- Mm-hmm? Why don't you sit your bottom here, next to me? Oh, Vali, I think I'm going to go ahead and probably sit next to anyone else.
Fair enough.
- I'll sit there.
- Okay.
Mom.
Do you want to go ahead and sit next to me? Oh! I would love that.
Hey, I'm sorry things got awkward with us today.
Let's just start over.
Happy Thanksgiving, Greg.
Oh, happy Thanksgiving.
You You just unhooked my bra.
That's not even a thing I can do if I'm trying! Oh, Greg.
The one time a year we get little marshmallows on sweet potatoes, and you're too high to put them on the table.
I made a lot of bad decisions yesterday.
You're telling me.
You left the oven on all night long.
You could have burned down the house.
I also left the sink on.
It would have put out part of the fire.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- Oh.
[Gasps.]
No! No, no, no, no, no! What? Apparently, I also agreed to make an "Amazing Race" audition video with my mom.
Always say no to drugs, Katie.
She wrote a script.
She wants me to buy a purple tank top.
- She is bananas! - Hey.
Honey.
Mama's sorry.
I know all this affects you, and I don't want to drive you crazy like my mom did with me.
- So - Were you saying something? Oh.
Yeah.
Did you not hear me? Well, I just thought you were doing all this lining-up business because you heard Mommy getting crazy about Grandma's stuff.
No, Mama.
Don't worry about it.
I've got my own crap.