American Princess (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Queen, Interrupted
1 Previously on "American Princess" Juan Andrés.
I like him.
You got to go get him! ERIN: Mom O.
D.
'd.
Get your ass home.
Get Mommy a flat white from that place on 84th.
- Hi.
- Oh, she didn't.
Stop with this foolishness! You belong here.
Doctor Bloom! What is going on? What is an intervention? I have finally found a place where I feel good.
And I'm gonna stay there for as long as I keep feeling that way.
If I sent you a cryptic message saying, "Save me," you wouldn't at least look into it? What? She's gone.
[CHUCKLES.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
No F-ing way! Where is everyone? Did the party go late last night? No.
It was after-hours bingo.
There was a huge fight over B-69.
There is no B-69.
That was the fight.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love when you report the news.
Sit.
I'll make eggs.
What are your thoughts on chervil? No.
Tarragon.
You know what? I'll surprise you.
Giada says if you're not willing to experiment in the kitchen, then you might as well [GASPS.]
AMANDA: Shut up and suck it! That what I should've told my mother and sister All of them.
They interventioned me like I was one of those people that eats Styrofoam or marries her chandelier.
I once had feelings for a tennis racket, but it was for a very specific reason.
They act like this isn't a career.
People are thriving here.
You're giving your family too much power.
- Ignore them.
- I can't.
My mother has a way of burrowing into my ear like one of those worms at camp.
You know the red ones with the tiny legs? That's a centipede, and if it's inside your head, you're dead already.
What if this is as good as it gets? For me, I mean.
What if I can't hack it, and and And I go crawling back to New York with my tail between my legs? Or not? This is your home now.
We got your back.
And if you want to move up in this world, I know you can do it.
I believe in you.
Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
Bye.
Oh, what? We're not gonna talk about the fact that you showed up to my mother's apartment? Well, what was I supposed to do? You texted "Save me" and then you went radio silent.
- So you were worried about me? - No.
I mean, yeah, maybe, just in a In a co-worker-y kind of way.
Oh, yeah.
Look, you serve beer, all right? You're integral to the faire.
How did you find out where my mother lives? Her address is on her Facebook profile.
You should probably tell her that.
So, what was your final answer? You were worried about me? I thought you were dead.
You're welcome! - [ALL SHOUTING.]
- LEE: You're all yelling.
- You're all yelling.
- WOMAN: No, I'm not yelling! You're I can't understand when you're all screaming at the same time! You.
Chunk.
Go.
Everything got spoiled in the fridge - The milk, the cheese - My amoxicillin.
The avocados.
Look at me, man.
I need good fats! Sorry, the damn thing was humming yesterday, so I tried to fix it.
But apparently duct tape isn't a suitable replacement for a fan belt.
Lesson learned.
If anyone has a solution, I'm all ears.
Well, why didn't you just call the repairman? Oh, that's brilliant.
I'll get on that as soon as I express the anal glands of my unicorn.
It's a refrigerator.
It can't cost that much.
Then you pay for it.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
What is this noise about? And be brief.
I don't care that much.
Food was ruined, everyone's starving.
Oh, that's awful.
But Queen Elizabeth adored her people.
As do I.
[CHUCKLES.]
Please.
Share.
My mini-fridge is stocked with Go-Gurt.
It's yours.
[SIGHS.]
LEE: Okay, I'll call and see if I can get a guy out here today, but you all are gonna have to live with a broken shower and no bonfire this week.
- Whoa! - No! I'm sorry, but everything comes with a price.
We don't have that much cardboard to burn, and firewood doesn't exactly grow on trees.
No.
It doesn't.
It is trees.
- This is just so ridiculous.
- Don't mansplain to me.
My insulin was in there.
You have more pens, right? Yeah, they'll last me till tomorrow.
Do you have money for more? I have a gift card to CB2.
Okay, well don't worry.
We'll find some cash.
I promise.
You should use that gift card, though.
Don't you need a new pouf? STICK: Yeah, I do, but priorities.
- Hey.
- Ugh.
- Lee.
- No.
- Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee.
- What? Hey, what if we brought in more money here? Oh, my God.
You're killing it with the ideas today.
Why don't you suggest that Maggie be in one of those Spielberg pictures? I'm just saying that people need stuff.
And I could help.
I love being a pub wench, but I'm capable of doing more.
Can you fix things? I once unstuck the button on my key fob.
Well, until you graduate to appliances, you are of no use to me.
But what if I found a way to make the money to hire the guy to fix the things so that we can keep the non-permitted bonfire? Yeah, you do that, you can name any job you want.
- Really? - Really.
Now leave me alone.
Huh.
This was all that was salvageable.
We can coat the olives in crushed cereal, dip it in the fish sauce, and pretend we're on a cooking show with unqualified judges.
Or we can eat these all separately and do dinner in town.
Tomorrow.
My treat.
Is it a date? Maybe.
And will this be cocktail attire? Business casual? Oh, it's "Dollar Dozen" wings at Nick's.
You can literally go naked.
Noted.
DELILAH: Did someone say "wings"? I love 'em! By themselves, with the wind beneath them Nope.
Dudes only.
Oh, come on.
I'll pick up the tip.
It's 12 wings for a dollar.
You're offering us dimes.
Delilah, I love you, but if you show up, I will shoot you on sight.
So definitely a "no," then? It's a date! It It's a date.
Well, fortunately, there's, like, a million ways to make a side hustle.
We could Airbnb my RV, tutor kids in High German.
Or we could walk dogs, podcast.
Oh! Here we go.
We could donate sperm.
I can't.
Oh, that's right Diabetic.
Uh, we prefer "person with diabetes.
" That's the same thing.
- It's not even close.
- Okay, my bad.
I can do it for both of us.
Yeah, um "Must have 48 to 72 hours of abstinence before first donation.
" Why? To make sure you have enough swimmers.
How can you hear us? Oh! There's no music in here.
I wear these so I can eavesdrop but still have a shield against talkers.
You know, old ladies on a plane, or that new steak-on-a-stick girl.
Ugh, we get it! You're in witness protection.
So, sperm? Why not just give blood? Um, it hurts.
[SNORTS.]
Uh, why do you have a fatwa against donating sperm? I don't.
I think it's awesome to help create families.
But aren't you worried that your kid's gonna turn up at your doorstep in, like, 20 years, and be like, - "Help me, feed me, pay for college"? - Eh.
I don't really picture the future that way.
Or at all.
I kind of just live in the moment.
Spoken like a man who wears cargos.
And that moment was 1994.
Oh, they're the S.
U.
V.
of shorts.
Don't be jealous.
Speaking of that future you plan to ignore, I've been deep-diving all morning.
Did you guys know that we're not the only Ren Faire in America? There's like six in Texas alone.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
- We know.
And there's other places, too.
They have, like, carnivals, and theme weekends, and all kinds of attractions.
Like "The Dragon Dungeon"? Or the "Haunted House of Harlots"? We know.
We work them the other half of the year.
So you're aware of the kind of money that's to be had? Why aren't we doing any of this? Oh, Maggie doesn't like it.
Right, Maggie.
Well, we definitely don't want to remove that stick from her ass.
The other hundred up there would be so lonely.
I mean, I kind of agree with Maggie on this one.
The Royal is special.
It's authentic.
If we just start bringing in escape rooms and climbing walls, it's not truthful to the period.
You're a mudbeggar.
That's not authentic to the period.
Again, Maggie's the one you need to worry about.
I'll convince her.
I'll convince you all! CALLIE: David.
I dropped my diaphragm down the sink and now it won't work.
The sink, I mean.
I'm gonna catch up on my stories.
[GROANS.]
Okay.
- Oh! Whoa! What are you doing? - It's a new moon.
We have to do it before the end of the waxing phase in order to harness her lunar energy.
Okay, will she still be waxing in 48 to 72 hours? No.
And I have period cramps.
Right, uh, well what about the sink? Oh, okay, I see what you're doing.
Whoa! Oh! CALLIE: [MOANING.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, baby.
I'm cumming! I'm cumming! [MOANS.]
Me as well! Ohh! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh.
Are you doing tantra? Huh? No.
Why? Uh, because you didn't orgasm.
Yes, I did.
I know your face, David.
It does a "thing" when you release.
Okay.
I was saving my sperm to donate for Stick so he can get insulin meds so he won't die, and it would've been easier to say that up front, but it seems like a long story.
- It is.
- Wait, hold on.
What do you mean my face does a "thing"? Like, a smile? I'll show you.
Wha No, I told you I never want to watch that video again! You said you were gonna erase it! I was, but then I didn't.
- No, no, no! - CALLIE: [MOANING.]
No, Cal Callie! [BOTH MOANING.]
DAVID: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Ohh! No.
As you can see the sky is the limit.
There are zip lines, water orbs, petting zoos.
Each and every one of these has their own separate fee.
And that's not even counting the extra tickets that we could sell if we had a theme weekend.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Come as Ye Are!" People can dress up as sci-fi characters, or monsters, or, you know, whatever they want.
Wait, so where does the money go? I am glad you asked, miss.
Every attraction or ride would give 25% of its profits back to the faire.
We could pump that money directly back to us for maintenance, employee benefits.
We could maybe even get health insurance.
[ALL MURMURING.]
If we did a theme weekend, I could sell my pirate flagons.
And I have a bunch of merch from "That's So Raven," signed by Raven.
AMANDA: Random, but so cool! Of course, we would keep the integrity of the Royal with all of its prestige and pageantry.
So le pièce de résistance [ALL GROANING, CHUCKLING.]
- Not this.
- DELILAH: Oh! That's not I was doodling.
A cosplay contest! Hosted by our very own dear Queen Elizabeth.
[ALL GASP.]
No.
You heard her.
Show's over.
AMANDA: Wait, what? I want to know why.
I am not judging some tacky Halloween competition, nor am I participating in a theme weekend! If I wanted to see a bunch of half-naked idiots eating meat pies, I would attend Natasha's next potluck orgy.
It's on Tuesday, FYI.
- I agree with Maggie.
- What a surprise.
It's inauthentic.
And she and I are doing a new bit this weekend on the Shakespeare apocrypha.
My soliloquy in "Arden of Faversham" I can't talk about it.
Okay, so why don't we have a vote? [ALL MURMURING.]
Oh, yeah, you're still new here, dear.
This is a monarchy.
Not on weekdays.
[ALL GASP.]
All in favor of trying something new Yeah.
The people have spoken.
ERIN: Oh, my God, I love zip lines! Remember the one in Costa Rica? I heard someone died on it the month after we were there, but still, how much fun did we have? Shabbat Shalom to you, too, bitch.
You would never believe the traffic, and then my GPS wasn't working, so I had to use the Wi-Fi.
What the hell are you doing here? I know things got a little dicey back at home Dicey? You guys were practically one step away from putting me in a padded cell.
Well, textured walls are in right now.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I'm sorry, but technically, the intervention was Mom's idea - Oh.
- and it didn't work.
Frankly, you inspired me.
- To do what? - To come here.
All you could do is talk about how happy this place is.
I figured I'd get in on some of the action.
Well, a little notice would've been appreciated.
I wanted to surprise you.
And Joel's frat brother came to town with his two sons, so there was a lot of extra penis in my house.
It's good to see you, really.
I just have a lot going on right now.
I'll stay out of your hair.
I brought my vape pen and the new Gillian Flynn about a girl on a trolley who witnesses a murder.
Or did she? Yeah.
That's That's a cute face, right? We're in here.
- Here? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- DAVID: Guys.
I need you to be honest.
What does this look like to you? [BOTH MOANING.]
A man in his death throes.
A PSA for bath salts? Is my face really that bad? Well, not if you're trying to look like the kid from "The Shining" when he saw those dead twins.
"Come with us.
- Come with us, David.
" - Nice.
Nice.
Yes, I get it.
I'm a frightened child.
Yeah, that's your face.
Maybe we should see it from another angle.
Perhaps one that showcases Callie's breasts? - No.
- Ah.
And you're awfully horny for an insulin-less person with diabetes.
Oh, I've already asked the Friar for a loan, and the pharmacy's filling my prescription today.
Uh-huh, I'm glad that your crisis is solved.
- Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Well, what do your faces look like? [GRUNTS.]
Uh Aah.
Neither of them are accurate.
- And how do you know? - Because Callie revealed to me that we have all been living in some kind of O-face fantasy.
- I've never technically seen mine.
- Same.
I'm usually focused on my partner.
I mean, is there anything more beautiful than a woman's face experiencing pleasure? You've noticed, right? - Yes.
- All the time.
- Mm-hmm.
- We have to do something about this, otherwise we're just going out there scarring women's retinas.
All right.
Well, it may take me a while to get going, but if one of you could talk like Helen Mirren, - that'd speed things up.
- Whoa! - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Put that away now.
Please.
- I want feedback! - Unh-unh.
Then we should film ourselves in the privacy of our own homes and yurts and report back here for constructive criticism.
- Yes? - Yes.
Fine.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- No, I'm sorry I said that.
- Wow.
- Hey.
- JUAN ANDRÃS: Hi.
I told you this was date night.
Oh, yeah, and I totally respected that, but then I told Natasha it was Dollar Dozen wings, and she invited me, and I didn't want to be rude.
This is my best life.
Okay.
MC: Hello, hello! Welcome to "Bare Your Soul.
" - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- You guys know the drill.
Come up, share.
Please keep nudity to your bottom half.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
- Uh, First up, Delilah.
- Oh, my God! - Delilah, oh, there she is.
Over here! Delilah! D! Whoa! Growing up, I had a lot of struggles.
And when I needed to feel better, this song lifted me up.
It was my safe space.
Thank you for letting me share it with you.
Informer Ya no say daddy me Snow me gon' blame A licky boom boom down 'Tective man, he say, say daddy me Snow me, stab someone down the lane A licky boom boom down Informer Ya no say daddy me Snow me gon' blame - A licky boom boom down - It's the second time you've done that.
What? - He say, say daddy me - Pulled away from me.
Are my hands sweaty? I'm Latino, so a slick sheen is as good as it gets.
Your hands are fine.
I don't like PDA.
Is this, like, a gay thing? No! It's about decency and respect.
Some things should be done in private.
Unless you want to be like Natasha and The Fluffers.
Ugh! Disgusting.
You're being weird.
They're actually normal.
Can we drop it? She's about to mess up the high note.
Where they ripped down me pants Looked up me bottom Well, she hit it.
Thank God for you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
MC: Wow, Delilah! - Painting a picture.
- Whoa! You guys ready for more show? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Okay.
We're happy to have you.
Welcome to our abode.
I'll be back tomorrow.
A bunch of us are gonna bury the rotten food from the fridge and see how long it takes to start a fart-fire.
Hmm.
Odd child.
Sweet, though.
Usually, when my kids take their leave, it's by force, and it ends with one of them hurling an iPhone at my face.
What's up with you? It's rotten food.
He's a kid.
He shouldn't have to deal with that kind of stuff.
Doesn't seem like he cared.
The adults do.
And I promised them money and security and Oh, my God, health insurance.
What if I can't deliver? What was I thinking? You'll be fine.
You pulled your wedding together and it was gorgeous.
- Well, at least it would've been.
- Well, that's just it.
The stakes are way higher than me and Brett getting liked on Instagram.
These are people's lives.
I feel like I gave them hope.
Hello? Obama '08? Hope is a good thing.
If people are grasping for it, it's usually because they need it.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
And I'm double sorry that I don't have time to be a tour guide during your visit.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
It's fine.
I'll wander around, find some second-tier fun.
- What do you mean? - You know, first-tier is fun while it's happening and you remember it that way, too.
Second-tier fun is like this.
Crappy in the moment, but good for stories later.
Okay, the faire is first-tier fun.
Trust me.
Now gimme.
I have a big day tomorrow.
Well, take it easy.
Last time you got "the fear" and thought the maid was trying to kill you, so I've developed a tolerance.
The beauty of dolphin in the deep blue sea.
He's you.
He's her.
He's they.
He's me! NATASHA: Wow.
[APPLAUSE.]
Okay, thank you, Helen, for that, uh terrifying twist.
Okay, up next, the artist formerly known as "Faire Bear.
" - Mm.
- Faire Bear.
There he is.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
JUAN ANDRÃS: Thank you, Nick Jr.
Uh, so, coffee table books, am I right? [LAUGHTER.]
When I drink "coffee," I got to put a coaster down on the "book," which I never "read.
" So, yeah [LAUGHTER.]
- Ugh.
- [LAUGHS LIGHTLY.]
My name is Juan Andrés, or One Andrayas, and my date tonight doesn't want to hold my hand.
- What?! - Oh, come on.
[AUDIENCE GROANS, BOOS.]
JUAN ANDRÃS: It's okay.
Rejection grows hair on your chest, which I clearly need.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS.]
Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
WOMAN: Oh, cute.
JUAN ANDRÃS: Oh, wow.
So, uh, potted plants, am I right? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Like What do we have? Lilies, we have daisies, ferns.
I mean, what are those? Are those real plants, or are those my ex-wives? [LAUGHTER.]
TIG MATTUCCI: We could start at Vegetable Fury and then hit the Mud Show.
Or we could get drunk at the joust.
I don't care what we do, as long as I get to courtly dance.
DANA MIN GOODMAN: Two, three.
- Whee! - Whee! I'm a gorgeous older woman! JULIA WOLOV: Whoo! Looks good out there.
You think? Yeah.
I mean, I got catcalled by a poop emoji.
I don't know if that's normal.
But it seems like a ton of people - are out here today.
- Hm.
Maybe my stupid plan is working.
Stupidly works that way.
Ee! [GIGGLES.]
Okay.
Ooh.
Okay, go.
Play.
Laugh.
Do.
Oh.
Ah! Ah.
I was looking for you.
Can you point me to the laser tag cottage? I'm feeling a little trigger happy today.
Maggie.
Why aren't you in your costume? I am.
We're supposed to be our favorite movie characters, right? I'm the girl in the rom-com who wears pants and a white shirt because I paint sometimes.
And I'm clumsy.
Ohh-whoops! [LAUGHS.]
Pray, my Queen, we have a show to do.
The Shakespeare apocrypha? We can't cheat the world of my Cardenio.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
I didn't raise my hand at the vote, so I'm a patron today.
[LAUGHS.]
Your new leader will figure it out.
People are expecting the queen on stage with me in one hour.
Tick tock.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hola.
We should talk.
No need.
I overstepped your boundary.
It won't happen again.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.
I wish I could've heard the end of your set.
I riffed on juice.
It killed.
I'm sure it did.
Come here, you.
Whoa, buddy.
There's people around.
Let's wave it out.
Hm.
Is everyone proving a point today? Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That's up there.
M'lady! Good morrow! Wouldst thou lend me your ear? [LAUGHS.]
The Queen has gone mad.
Oh, I know she's upset, but "mad" is a bit hyperbolic.
Is it? Whoo! Hoo! Hey! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whee! I was hoping that she would blow off some steam and eventually come to her senses.
We don't have time for that.
Are you too busy clicking you haven't noticed? Her people are rebelling in her absence! Oh.
Ew.
- I should fill in for her.
- No, I should! I've studied all of Her Majesty's phrasings.
You know what, eat a dick, Debbie.
Eat a dick? I shan't do that.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Really? 'Cause that's not what I heard you did last night.
Oh, what's up? Oh, oh! Only a royal pardon from the Queen can save you now.
Guess not.
MAN: Ow! [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
- Ah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Let's keep this from Lee until I figure out what I'm gonna do.
He's probably cooped up in his office or something anyway.
Yeah.
- Did you tell him? - Of course not.
Okay, I may have mentioned it to Natasha who told the new steak-on-a-stick girl who told Lee, I think she's looking for attention, poor thing.
Good luck! Hello.
Remember how I said you could name any job you want? Well, right now, I'm torn between assistant manager to a port-a-potty cleaner and fired.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Maggie's acting like a maniac.
Just fix this mess you made and get our Queen back! Maggie! Maggie! What do you want? I'm glad to see you're having fun.
You're doing things we'll never be able to unsee.
But the people, Maggie, they're asking for the Queen.
Queen? [LAUGHS.]
Which one? Amidala? Latifah? I know you're trying to make a statement, and I understand No, you don't.
You couldn't possibly.
[GRUNTS.]
You're upset because your coup d'état turned into a faux paux which has left you, je ne sais quoi.
Fucked.
That was good.
But I'm not trying to stage a coup.
I wanted to make money so that we could help people.
We were all doing fine.
You were.
Maybe all that time in your castle in the sky has made you out of touch with your people.
Some of whom are struggling, Maggie.
They have doctor's bills and kids.
So this is your charity? I reject that frame.
I know when a bitch is trying to deflect.
Lest you forget I am schooled in reality television.
Then you'll understand when I say, "Farewell, Felicia.
" STICK: [GROANING.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Namaste.
I don't like the tongue.
It's not my fault.
It doesn't want to stay in my mouth.
It's weird, it's like your eyes are trying to run away from each other.
Like a hammerhead shark.
Or Brandy.
- Hey, remember Brandy? - Yeah, what a voice! You know what, fine! Let's see yours.
Happily! I feel very confident in my work.
- Oh! Whoa! - Ugh.
Jesus! Full body? Yeah, the toes are integral to the whole experience.
I can tell.
What is it? More teeth? Less? It's not really a mouth issue, it's more like, "Is this person getting a full fist inserted inside of him?" Did you say "fist" or "fish"? Either one! Well, I do like a finger.
It's very normal! Ha, all of a sudden, my O-face doesn't seem so bad.
Oh, it is.
Unh-unh, not as bad as that.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, let's take a vote.
Be honest, no ego.
Whose is the worst? Oh! - Mine? - Hey.
What? Come on.
AMANDA: Hey! I am already having a day, and this is still going on? I am supposed to do a show with her in 10 minutes.
- The Spice Girls are waiting! - What do you want me to do? Club her on the head and carry her to stage? Her bones are hollow.
- It's worth a shot.
- I tried, okay? It didn't work.
Nothing worked.
- What are you talking about? - Today, the whole thing! I was trying to prove that I could That I could thrive here, but I should've just left it alone.
Even though, in my defense, it was impossible for me to know how Maggie would react.
You put a person in a new situation, there is no telling what they'll Whaaa? ERIN: Hey.
I would love a whiskey sour.
Do you have one? - Did you sleep with him? - Um, yes.
And you're ruining my post-coital glow.
Hi.
Erin.
Her sister.
Guess which one is older? All women look either 18 or 80 to me.
- But you're both pretty.
- Ah, thank you.
What the hell are you doing? You told me to go play, laugh, do.
So I did.
It.
With him.
Oh, my God, I'm ruining everything.
The faire, your marriage.
Oh, don't be a victim.
- Yeah, not everything is about you.
- Exactly.
- Your gay friend I'm assuming? - Correct.
Is in the middle of a crisis.
I'm assuming? - How did you know? - Your brows.
They're lovely, but furrowed.
You got a juicy little caterpillar up there.
What's going on? His friend Maggie won't perform, so we either have to project her hologram on the stage or I'm fired.
Wait, Maggie, she's the Queen, right? Thin, flat feet, looks like she killed a man? That's the one.
Okay.
Forensics debate, 2005.
I tried out for the team thinking, you know, I could meet a cute guy with glasses, but they all turned out to be ugly with glasses.
So I quit.
Until my nemesis Jenny Doyle joined and took home a 3rd place at New Rochelle.
Next thing I know, I am back on the team, miserable, but determined to be better than her or kill myself trying.
We were bred to win.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You want your queen back? Be Jenny Doyle.
Oh, most dear mistress.
The sun will set before I shall discharge what I must strive to do.
If you'll sit down, I'll bear your logs the while.
Pray, give me that.
I'll carry it to the pile.
No, precious creature! I had rather crack my sinews, break my back, then you should such dishonor undergo, while I sit lazy by! Oh! Oh! [BOTH GRUNT.]
[BOTH GRUNTING IN DISTANCE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Let me go.
I haven't gone all your safety briefing.
I've flatlined before, I'll survive this.
- Ah! - Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[SCREAMING.]
This is strange.
Your father's in some passion that works him Stop! [GRUNTS.]
Get this off me.
Show's over! Nice dismount.
I heard the faint cries of your L5-S1.
How could you do this to me? - Me? - Yes.
Performing "The Tempest" with that disrupter? I have never felt more betrayed.
I had no choice.
We had a whole show to do, and you left me standing there with my apocrypha in my hand.
I was proving a point! The faire is sacred.
People come here for the history, the authenticity.
If we lost that now, then what? Then we might as well be gyrating on a cruise ship to a sea of Aunt Lindas.
I don't like it, either.
Then why didn't you have my back? I voted with you.
But at some point, you have to acknowledge that if we don't change the faire today, there may not be one at all tomorrow.
I've been here since the beginning.
This means something to me.
The thing that sucks about compromise is that it forces you outside of your safe zone, and once that happens, whether you like it or not, you get a front-row seat to all the ways in which you've cheated yourself of new experiences.
We can get through this.
Together.
I want to sleep at night knowing that I stuck to my values.
Lots of "I's" and "my's.
" You're not gonna offer me one of your Shakespearean lines of wisdom? Nope! I've got to go french a man in public.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's a short sword.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, well, let me be the judge.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh! You! You! Oh, why haven't I seen you more often? Oh, no, really, how is the faire treating you? Yes? Good, let me get you some flagons.
I've been coming to the Royal since quaaludes were in.
This was a horror show.
- And the Queen was a no-show.
- [GROANS.]
Can you blame her? There were Ewoks at the joust.
I applaud Her Majesty for not attending today.
It was beneath her.
Still, what is a Renaissance without our Queen? Whatever.
Screw her! Okay, you two.
Don't be mad.
DELILAH: [CLEARS THROAT.]
The decision was unanimous.
Shart has the least offensive O-face.
- You showed her? - STICK: I had to! We needed an impartial judge, and she has the most experience with nudity.
God, dude! I mean, I'm flattered you picked me.
It was the toes, right? Hold on, you said that the pick was "unanimous"? Yeah.
We all voted.
- Oh, my God.
- What? I sent those videos only to you.
Oh, and I respected your privacy, but I couldn't pick on my own.
You were all so specific.
So, I told Natasha, and she sent them out.
Although she did get them from me originally.
I think I have a problem.
- Congratulations! - Don't you leave! Just so you know this doesn't feel like a win.
Okay, we have to align our lies.
We'll tell Joel that you got crabs from the mattress, or if you get HPV, we'll say that it's airborne here.
Don't worry, he won't care.
I have a freebie.
A what? A hall pass.
For sex.
Joel cheated.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
- With who? - Oh, his mobile notary.
- Her name is "Judee.
" - Oh.
- With two Es.
- Unh-unh.
I almost killed him twice for that.
Erin, I'm so sorry.
So, that's why you came to visit? I was suspicious of you bringing a book.
You don't read.
Well, I got the gist from the flap.
Why go through all of this? Why don't you just leave him? And throw away six years of marriage, happy-ish kids? I figured I'd get even and keep my life.
I'll figure out the rest later.
Wow, that's very modern of you.
You know I always thought it would be with John Cho, frankly, but, um Seriously, Leaf was amazing.
- He has this curve - To the left.
Yeah, I'm familiar.
Ew! You slept with him, too?! Why do you think I was so disturbed? Because, like, you thought I was, like, throwing away my marriage! Yes, and the fact that we shared a penis! Ugh! Which I got to first.
Okay, well now we're even, because I kissed that guy in Costa Rica first.
[GASPS.]
I'm so glad you came.
- Twice.
- Ew.
[APPLAUSE.]
HELEN: No! You look so stupid.
Go away.
Next! [AUDIENCE BOOS, GROANS.]
Gross.
Fat ass.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
No! What are those? Boobs on your head? Next! Oh, no! Colors.
Vomit.
Sick.
Barf all over you.
Next! We still don't have a Queen, and this was the only way to keep her from hurting anybody with her sword.
- Hmm.
- No! Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! Hey, call me.
Just kidding, don't! Next! Oh, this again? I voted for you.
Oh, God.
That's Ugh.
Who did Shart's lighting? Because it was disgusting, but he did manage to capture the golden hour.
Uh, I don't want to talk about any of it.
Rest assured that I will never be having sex in front of a mirror again.
Okay.
Cool.
- Uh-huh.
- Good to know.
You know, it wasn't that bad.
Although I wouldn't want to pass those traits on - to your sperm babies.
- I'm not having any sperm babies.
- Those kind, anyway? - Really? Unh-unh.
Yeah.
Stick borrowed money from Friar.
We are making bank today to pay it back.
Besides, I, uh I realized that I kind of sort of want to start possibly picturing the future.
What's that, do I hear? The pitter-patter of hipster babies.
Echelon and Latte.
The names go both ways.
No babies.
Not yet.
Maybe never.
Or maybe tomorrow.
Just keeping my options open.
You did hear me, by the way, that we're making a killing? The Spice Girls are cardiologists, and they were very generous with tips.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Plus the zip line and the water orb guys are, like, turning people away.
Uh-huh.
The girl I met six weeks ago would be bragging till the end of eternity about this.
That girl has left the faire.
This girl has a clipboard.
This girl needs to stop being so humble, - 'cause it's annoying.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You did this, Amanda.
Be proud.
Yeah.
[LAUGH.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
A devil.
A born devil on whose nature, nurture can never stick.
I will plague them all.
I will plague.
Them.
All! Show me the magic! [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[LAUGHS EVILLY.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[LAUGHING EVILLY.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
I like him.
You got to go get him! ERIN: Mom O.
D.
'd.
Get your ass home.
Get Mommy a flat white from that place on 84th.
- Hi.
- Oh, she didn't.
Stop with this foolishness! You belong here.
Doctor Bloom! What is going on? What is an intervention? I have finally found a place where I feel good.
And I'm gonna stay there for as long as I keep feeling that way.
If I sent you a cryptic message saying, "Save me," you wouldn't at least look into it? What? She's gone.
[CHUCKLES.]
[PHONE BEEPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
No F-ing way! Where is everyone? Did the party go late last night? No.
It was after-hours bingo.
There was a huge fight over B-69.
There is no B-69.
That was the fight.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love when you report the news.
Sit.
I'll make eggs.
What are your thoughts on chervil? No.
Tarragon.
You know what? I'll surprise you.
Giada says if you're not willing to experiment in the kitchen, then you might as well [GASPS.]
AMANDA: Shut up and suck it! That what I should've told my mother and sister All of them.
They interventioned me like I was one of those people that eats Styrofoam or marries her chandelier.
I once had feelings for a tennis racket, but it was for a very specific reason.
They act like this isn't a career.
People are thriving here.
You're giving your family too much power.
- Ignore them.
- I can't.
My mother has a way of burrowing into my ear like one of those worms at camp.
You know the red ones with the tiny legs? That's a centipede, and if it's inside your head, you're dead already.
What if this is as good as it gets? For me, I mean.
What if I can't hack it, and and And I go crawling back to New York with my tail between my legs? Or not? This is your home now.
We got your back.
And if you want to move up in this world, I know you can do it.
I believe in you.
Thanks.
Hi.
Hi.
Bye.
Oh, what? We're not gonna talk about the fact that you showed up to my mother's apartment? Well, what was I supposed to do? You texted "Save me" and then you went radio silent.
- So you were worried about me? - No.
I mean, yeah, maybe, just in a In a co-worker-y kind of way.
Oh, yeah.
Look, you serve beer, all right? You're integral to the faire.
How did you find out where my mother lives? Her address is on her Facebook profile.
You should probably tell her that.
So, what was your final answer? You were worried about me? I thought you were dead.
You're welcome! - [ALL SHOUTING.]
- LEE: You're all yelling.
- You're all yelling.
- WOMAN: No, I'm not yelling! You're I can't understand when you're all screaming at the same time! You.
Chunk.
Go.
Everything got spoiled in the fridge - The milk, the cheese - My amoxicillin.
The avocados.
Look at me, man.
I need good fats! Sorry, the damn thing was humming yesterday, so I tried to fix it.
But apparently duct tape isn't a suitable replacement for a fan belt.
Lesson learned.
If anyone has a solution, I'm all ears.
Well, why didn't you just call the repairman? Oh, that's brilliant.
I'll get on that as soon as I express the anal glands of my unicorn.
It's a refrigerator.
It can't cost that much.
Then you pay for it.
[ALL SHOUTING.]
What is this noise about? And be brief.
I don't care that much.
Food was ruined, everyone's starving.
Oh, that's awful.
But Queen Elizabeth adored her people.
As do I.
[CHUCKLES.]
Please.
Share.
My mini-fridge is stocked with Go-Gurt.
It's yours.
[SIGHS.]
LEE: Okay, I'll call and see if I can get a guy out here today, but you all are gonna have to live with a broken shower and no bonfire this week.
- Whoa! - No! I'm sorry, but everything comes with a price.
We don't have that much cardboard to burn, and firewood doesn't exactly grow on trees.
No.
It doesn't.
It is trees.
- This is just so ridiculous.
- Don't mansplain to me.
My insulin was in there.
You have more pens, right? Yeah, they'll last me till tomorrow.
Do you have money for more? I have a gift card to CB2.
Okay, well don't worry.
We'll find some cash.
I promise.
You should use that gift card, though.
Don't you need a new pouf? STICK: Yeah, I do, but priorities.
- Hey.
- Ugh.
- Lee.
- No.
- Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee.
- What? Hey, what if we brought in more money here? Oh, my God.
You're killing it with the ideas today.
Why don't you suggest that Maggie be in one of those Spielberg pictures? I'm just saying that people need stuff.
And I could help.
I love being a pub wench, but I'm capable of doing more.
Can you fix things? I once unstuck the button on my key fob.
Well, until you graduate to appliances, you are of no use to me.
But what if I found a way to make the money to hire the guy to fix the things so that we can keep the non-permitted bonfire? Yeah, you do that, you can name any job you want.
- Really? - Really.
Now leave me alone.
Huh.
This was all that was salvageable.
We can coat the olives in crushed cereal, dip it in the fish sauce, and pretend we're on a cooking show with unqualified judges.
Or we can eat these all separately and do dinner in town.
Tomorrow.
My treat.
Is it a date? Maybe.
And will this be cocktail attire? Business casual? Oh, it's "Dollar Dozen" wings at Nick's.
You can literally go naked.
Noted.
DELILAH: Did someone say "wings"? I love 'em! By themselves, with the wind beneath them Nope.
Dudes only.
Oh, come on.
I'll pick up the tip.
It's 12 wings for a dollar.
You're offering us dimes.
Delilah, I love you, but if you show up, I will shoot you on sight.
So definitely a "no," then? It's a date! It It's a date.
Well, fortunately, there's, like, a million ways to make a side hustle.
We could Airbnb my RV, tutor kids in High German.
Or we could walk dogs, podcast.
Oh! Here we go.
We could donate sperm.
I can't.
Oh, that's right Diabetic.
Uh, we prefer "person with diabetes.
" That's the same thing.
- It's not even close.
- Okay, my bad.
I can do it for both of us.
Yeah, um "Must have 48 to 72 hours of abstinence before first donation.
" Why? To make sure you have enough swimmers.
How can you hear us? Oh! There's no music in here.
I wear these so I can eavesdrop but still have a shield against talkers.
You know, old ladies on a plane, or that new steak-on-a-stick girl.
Ugh, we get it! You're in witness protection.
So, sperm? Why not just give blood? Um, it hurts.
[SNORTS.]
Uh, why do you have a fatwa against donating sperm? I don't.
I think it's awesome to help create families.
But aren't you worried that your kid's gonna turn up at your doorstep in, like, 20 years, and be like, - "Help me, feed me, pay for college"? - Eh.
I don't really picture the future that way.
Or at all.
I kind of just live in the moment.
Spoken like a man who wears cargos.
And that moment was 1994.
Oh, they're the S.
U.
V.
of shorts.
Don't be jealous.
Speaking of that future you plan to ignore, I've been deep-diving all morning.
Did you guys know that we're not the only Ren Faire in America? There's like six in Texas alone.
- [SCOFFS.]
Yeah.
- We know.
And there's other places, too.
They have, like, carnivals, and theme weekends, and all kinds of attractions.
Like "The Dragon Dungeon"? Or the "Haunted House of Harlots"? We know.
We work them the other half of the year.
So you're aware of the kind of money that's to be had? Why aren't we doing any of this? Oh, Maggie doesn't like it.
Right, Maggie.
Well, we definitely don't want to remove that stick from her ass.
The other hundred up there would be so lonely.
I mean, I kind of agree with Maggie on this one.
The Royal is special.
It's authentic.
If we just start bringing in escape rooms and climbing walls, it's not truthful to the period.
You're a mudbeggar.
That's not authentic to the period.
Again, Maggie's the one you need to worry about.
I'll convince her.
I'll convince you all! CALLIE: David.
I dropped my diaphragm down the sink and now it won't work.
The sink, I mean.
I'm gonna catch up on my stories.
[GROANS.]
Okay.
- Oh! Whoa! What are you doing? - It's a new moon.
We have to do it before the end of the waxing phase in order to harness her lunar energy.
Okay, will she still be waxing in 48 to 72 hours? No.
And I have period cramps.
Right, uh, well what about the sink? Oh, okay, I see what you're doing.
Whoa! Oh! CALLIE: [MOANING.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, baby.
I'm cumming! I'm cumming! [MOANS.]
Me as well! Ohh! [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Oh.
Are you doing tantra? Huh? No.
Why? Uh, because you didn't orgasm.
Yes, I did.
I know your face, David.
It does a "thing" when you release.
Okay.
I was saving my sperm to donate for Stick so he can get insulin meds so he won't die, and it would've been easier to say that up front, but it seems like a long story.
- It is.
- Wait, hold on.
What do you mean my face does a "thing"? Like, a smile? I'll show you.
Wha No, I told you I never want to watch that video again! You said you were gonna erase it! I was, but then I didn't.
- No, no, no! - CALLIE: [MOANING.]
No, Cal Callie! [BOTH MOANING.]
DAVID: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ohh! Ohh! No.
As you can see the sky is the limit.
There are zip lines, water orbs, petting zoos.
Each and every one of these has their own separate fee.
And that's not even counting the extra tickets that we could sell if we had a theme weekend.
[CHUCKLES.]
"Come as Ye Are!" People can dress up as sci-fi characters, or monsters, or, you know, whatever they want.
Wait, so where does the money go? I am glad you asked, miss.
Every attraction or ride would give 25% of its profits back to the faire.
We could pump that money directly back to us for maintenance, employee benefits.
We could maybe even get health insurance.
[ALL MURMURING.]
If we did a theme weekend, I could sell my pirate flagons.
And I have a bunch of merch from "That's So Raven," signed by Raven.
AMANDA: Random, but so cool! Of course, we would keep the integrity of the Royal with all of its prestige and pageantry.
So le pièce de résistance [ALL GROANING, CHUCKLING.]
- Not this.
- DELILAH: Oh! That's not I was doodling.
A cosplay contest! Hosted by our very own dear Queen Elizabeth.
[ALL GASP.]
No.
You heard her.
Show's over.
AMANDA: Wait, what? I want to know why.
I am not judging some tacky Halloween competition, nor am I participating in a theme weekend! If I wanted to see a bunch of half-naked idiots eating meat pies, I would attend Natasha's next potluck orgy.
It's on Tuesday, FYI.
- I agree with Maggie.
- What a surprise.
It's inauthentic.
And she and I are doing a new bit this weekend on the Shakespeare apocrypha.
My soliloquy in "Arden of Faversham" I can't talk about it.
Okay, so why don't we have a vote? [ALL MURMURING.]
Oh, yeah, you're still new here, dear.
This is a monarchy.
Not on weekdays.
[ALL GASP.]
All in favor of trying something new Yeah.
The people have spoken.
ERIN: Oh, my God, I love zip lines! Remember the one in Costa Rica? I heard someone died on it the month after we were there, but still, how much fun did we have? Shabbat Shalom to you, too, bitch.
You would never believe the traffic, and then my GPS wasn't working, so I had to use the Wi-Fi.
What the hell are you doing here? I know things got a little dicey back at home Dicey? You guys were practically one step away from putting me in a padded cell.
Well, textured walls are in right now.
- [SCOFFS.]
- I'm sorry, but technically, the intervention was Mom's idea - Oh.
- and it didn't work.
Frankly, you inspired me.
- To do what? - To come here.
All you could do is talk about how happy this place is.
I figured I'd get in on some of the action.
Well, a little notice would've been appreciated.
I wanted to surprise you.
And Joel's frat brother came to town with his two sons, so there was a lot of extra penis in my house.
It's good to see you, really.
I just have a lot going on right now.
I'll stay out of your hair.
I brought my vape pen and the new Gillian Flynn about a girl on a trolley who witnesses a murder.
Or did she? Yeah.
That's That's a cute face, right? We're in here.
- Here? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- DAVID: Guys.
I need you to be honest.
What does this look like to you? [BOTH MOANING.]
A man in his death throes.
A PSA for bath salts? Is my face really that bad? Well, not if you're trying to look like the kid from "The Shining" when he saw those dead twins.
"Come with us.
- Come with us, David.
" - Nice.
Nice.
Yes, I get it.
I'm a frightened child.
Yeah, that's your face.
Maybe we should see it from another angle.
Perhaps one that showcases Callie's breasts? - No.
- Ah.
And you're awfully horny for an insulin-less person with diabetes.
Oh, I've already asked the Friar for a loan, and the pharmacy's filling my prescription today.
Uh-huh, I'm glad that your crisis is solved.
- Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Well, what do your faces look like? [GRUNTS.]
Uh Aah.
Neither of them are accurate.
- And how do you know? - Because Callie revealed to me that we have all been living in some kind of O-face fantasy.
- I've never technically seen mine.
- Same.
I'm usually focused on my partner.
I mean, is there anything more beautiful than a woman's face experiencing pleasure? You've noticed, right? - Yes.
- All the time.
- Mm-hmm.
- We have to do something about this, otherwise we're just going out there scarring women's retinas.
All right.
Well, it may take me a while to get going, but if one of you could talk like Helen Mirren, - that'd speed things up.
- Whoa! - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Put that away now.
Please.
- I want feedback! - Unh-unh.
Then we should film ourselves in the privacy of our own homes and yurts and report back here for constructive criticism.
- Yes? - Yes.
Fine.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
- No, I'm sorry I said that.
- Wow.
- Hey.
- JUAN ANDRÃS: Hi.
I told you this was date night.
Oh, yeah, and I totally respected that, but then I told Natasha it was Dollar Dozen wings, and she invited me, and I didn't want to be rude.
This is my best life.
Okay.
MC: Hello, hello! Welcome to "Bare Your Soul.
" - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- You guys know the drill.
Come up, share.
Please keep nudity to your bottom half.
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER.]
- Uh, First up, Delilah.
- Oh, my God! - Delilah, oh, there she is.
Over here! Delilah! D! Whoa! Growing up, I had a lot of struggles.
And when I needed to feel better, this song lifted me up.
It was my safe space.
Thank you for letting me share it with you.
Informer Ya no say daddy me Snow me gon' blame A licky boom boom down 'Tective man, he say, say daddy me Snow me, stab someone down the lane A licky boom boom down Informer Ya no say daddy me Snow me gon' blame - A licky boom boom down - It's the second time you've done that.
What? - He say, say daddy me - Pulled away from me.
Are my hands sweaty? I'm Latino, so a slick sheen is as good as it gets.
Your hands are fine.
I don't like PDA.
Is this, like, a gay thing? No! It's about decency and respect.
Some things should be done in private.
Unless you want to be like Natasha and The Fluffers.
Ugh! Disgusting.
You're being weird.
They're actually normal.
Can we drop it? She's about to mess up the high note.
Where they ripped down me pants Looked up me bottom Well, she hit it.
Thank God for you.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
MC: Wow, Delilah! - Painting a picture.
- Whoa! You guys ready for more show? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Okay.
We're happy to have you.
Welcome to our abode.
I'll be back tomorrow.
A bunch of us are gonna bury the rotten food from the fridge and see how long it takes to start a fart-fire.
Hmm.
Odd child.
Sweet, though.
Usually, when my kids take their leave, it's by force, and it ends with one of them hurling an iPhone at my face.
What's up with you? It's rotten food.
He's a kid.
He shouldn't have to deal with that kind of stuff.
Doesn't seem like he cared.
The adults do.
And I promised them money and security and Oh, my God, health insurance.
What if I can't deliver? What was I thinking? You'll be fine.
You pulled your wedding together and it was gorgeous.
- Well, at least it would've been.
- Well, that's just it.
The stakes are way higher than me and Brett getting liked on Instagram.
These are people's lives.
I feel like I gave them hope.
Hello? Obama '08? Hope is a good thing.
If people are grasping for it, it's usually because they need it.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
And I'm double sorry that I don't have time to be a tour guide during your visit.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
It's fine.
I'll wander around, find some second-tier fun.
- What do you mean? - You know, first-tier is fun while it's happening and you remember it that way, too.
Second-tier fun is like this.
Crappy in the moment, but good for stories later.
Okay, the faire is first-tier fun.
Trust me.
Now gimme.
I have a big day tomorrow.
Well, take it easy.
Last time you got "the fear" and thought the maid was trying to kill you, so I've developed a tolerance.
The beauty of dolphin in the deep blue sea.
He's you.
He's her.
He's they.
He's me! NATASHA: Wow.
[APPLAUSE.]
Okay, thank you, Helen, for that, uh terrifying twist.
Okay, up next, the artist formerly known as "Faire Bear.
" - Mm.
- Faire Bear.
There he is.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
JUAN ANDRÃS: Thank you, Nick Jr.
Uh, so, coffee table books, am I right? [LAUGHTER.]
When I drink "coffee," I got to put a coaster down on the "book," which I never "read.
" So, yeah [LAUGHTER.]
- Ugh.
- [LAUGHS LIGHTLY.]
My name is Juan Andrés, or One Andrayas, and my date tonight doesn't want to hold my hand.
- What?! - Oh, come on.
[AUDIENCE GROANS, BOOS.]
JUAN ANDRÃS: It's okay.
Rejection grows hair on your chest, which I clearly need.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS.]
Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! Hold his hand! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
WOMAN: Oh, cute.
JUAN ANDRÃS: Oh, wow.
So, uh, potted plants, am I right? - [LAUGHTER.]
- Like What do we have? Lilies, we have daisies, ferns.
I mean, what are those? Are those real plants, or are those my ex-wives? [LAUGHTER.]
TIG MATTUCCI: We could start at Vegetable Fury and then hit the Mud Show.
Or we could get drunk at the joust.
I don't care what we do, as long as I get to courtly dance.
DANA MIN GOODMAN: Two, three.
- Whee! - Whee! I'm a gorgeous older woman! JULIA WOLOV: Whoo! Looks good out there.
You think? Yeah.
I mean, I got catcalled by a poop emoji.
I don't know if that's normal.
But it seems like a ton of people - are out here today.
- Hm.
Maybe my stupid plan is working.
Stupidly works that way.
Ee! [GIGGLES.]
Okay.
Ooh.
Okay, go.
Play.
Laugh.
Do.
Oh.
Ah! Ah.
I was looking for you.
Can you point me to the laser tag cottage? I'm feeling a little trigger happy today.
Maggie.
Why aren't you in your costume? I am.
We're supposed to be our favorite movie characters, right? I'm the girl in the rom-com who wears pants and a white shirt because I paint sometimes.
And I'm clumsy.
Ohh-whoops! [LAUGHS.]
Pray, my Queen, we have a show to do.
The Shakespeare apocrypha? We can't cheat the world of my Cardenio.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
I didn't raise my hand at the vote, so I'm a patron today.
[LAUGHS.]
Your new leader will figure it out.
People are expecting the queen on stage with me in one hour.
Tick tock.
[BREATHES DEEPLY.]
Hola.
We should talk.
No need.
I overstepped your boundary.
It won't happen again.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.
I wish I could've heard the end of your set.
I riffed on juice.
It killed.
I'm sure it did.
Come here, you.
Whoa, buddy.
There's people around.
Let's wave it out.
Hm.
Is everyone proving a point today? Oh, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
That's up there.
M'lady! Good morrow! Wouldst thou lend me your ear? [LAUGHS.]
The Queen has gone mad.
Oh, I know she's upset, but "mad" is a bit hyperbolic.
Is it? Whoo! Hoo! Hey! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whee! I was hoping that she would blow off some steam and eventually come to her senses.
We don't have time for that.
Are you too busy clicking you haven't noticed? Her people are rebelling in her absence! Oh.
Ew.
- I should fill in for her.
- No, I should! I've studied all of Her Majesty's phrasings.
You know what, eat a dick, Debbie.
Eat a dick? I shan't do that.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Really? 'Cause that's not what I heard you did last night.
Oh, what's up? Oh, oh! Only a royal pardon from the Queen can save you now.
Guess not.
MAN: Ow! [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
- Ah.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Let's keep this from Lee until I figure out what I'm gonna do.
He's probably cooped up in his office or something anyway.
Yeah.
- Did you tell him? - Of course not.
Okay, I may have mentioned it to Natasha who told the new steak-on-a-stick girl who told Lee, I think she's looking for attention, poor thing.
Good luck! Hello.
Remember how I said you could name any job you want? Well, right now, I'm torn between assistant manager to a port-a-potty cleaner and fired.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Maggie's acting like a maniac.
Just fix this mess you made and get our Queen back! Maggie! Maggie! What do you want? I'm glad to see you're having fun.
You're doing things we'll never be able to unsee.
But the people, Maggie, they're asking for the Queen.
Queen? [LAUGHS.]
Which one? Amidala? Latifah? I know you're trying to make a statement, and I understand No, you don't.
You couldn't possibly.
[GRUNTS.]
You're upset because your coup d'état turned into a faux paux which has left you, je ne sais quoi.
Fucked.
That was good.
But I'm not trying to stage a coup.
I wanted to make money so that we could help people.
We were all doing fine.
You were.
Maybe all that time in your castle in the sky has made you out of touch with your people.
Some of whom are struggling, Maggie.
They have doctor's bills and kids.
So this is your charity? I reject that frame.
I know when a bitch is trying to deflect.
Lest you forget I am schooled in reality television.
Then you'll understand when I say, "Farewell, Felicia.
" STICK: [GROANING.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Namaste.
I don't like the tongue.
It's not my fault.
It doesn't want to stay in my mouth.
It's weird, it's like your eyes are trying to run away from each other.
Like a hammerhead shark.
Or Brandy.
- Hey, remember Brandy? - Yeah, what a voice! You know what, fine! Let's see yours.
Happily! I feel very confident in my work.
- Oh! Whoa! - Ugh.
Jesus! Full body? Yeah, the toes are integral to the whole experience.
I can tell.
What is it? More teeth? Less? It's not really a mouth issue, it's more like, "Is this person getting a full fist inserted inside of him?" Did you say "fist" or "fish"? Either one! Well, I do like a finger.
It's very normal! Ha, all of a sudden, my O-face doesn't seem so bad.
Oh, it is.
Unh-unh, not as bad as that.
- Oh, my God.
- Well, let's take a vote.
Be honest, no ego.
Whose is the worst? Oh! - Mine? - Hey.
What? Come on.
AMANDA: Hey! I am already having a day, and this is still going on? I am supposed to do a show with her in 10 minutes.
- The Spice Girls are waiting! - What do you want me to do? Club her on the head and carry her to stage? Her bones are hollow.
- It's worth a shot.
- I tried, okay? It didn't work.
Nothing worked.
- What are you talking about? - Today, the whole thing! I was trying to prove that I could That I could thrive here, but I should've just left it alone.
Even though, in my defense, it was impossible for me to know how Maggie would react.
You put a person in a new situation, there is no telling what they'll Whaaa? ERIN: Hey.
I would love a whiskey sour.
Do you have one? - Did you sleep with him? - Um, yes.
And you're ruining my post-coital glow.
Hi.
Erin.
Her sister.
Guess which one is older? All women look either 18 or 80 to me.
- But you're both pretty.
- Ah, thank you.
What the hell are you doing? You told me to go play, laugh, do.
So I did.
It.
With him.
Oh, my God, I'm ruining everything.
The faire, your marriage.
Oh, don't be a victim.
- Yeah, not everything is about you.
- Exactly.
- Your gay friend I'm assuming? - Correct.
Is in the middle of a crisis.
I'm assuming? - How did you know? - Your brows.
They're lovely, but furrowed.
You got a juicy little caterpillar up there.
What's going on? His friend Maggie won't perform, so we either have to project her hologram on the stage or I'm fired.
Wait, Maggie, she's the Queen, right? Thin, flat feet, looks like she killed a man? That's the one.
Okay.
Forensics debate, 2005.
I tried out for the team thinking, you know, I could meet a cute guy with glasses, but they all turned out to be ugly with glasses.
So I quit.
Until my nemesis Jenny Doyle joined and took home a 3rd place at New Rochelle.
Next thing I know, I am back on the team, miserable, but determined to be better than her or kill myself trying.
We were bred to win.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You want your queen back? Be Jenny Doyle.
Oh, most dear mistress.
The sun will set before I shall discharge what I must strive to do.
If you'll sit down, I'll bear your logs the while.
Pray, give me that.
I'll carry it to the pile.
No, precious creature! I had rather crack my sinews, break my back, then you should such dishonor undergo, while I sit lazy by! Oh! Oh! [BOTH GRUNT.]
[BOTH GRUNTING IN DISTANCE.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Let me go.
I haven't gone all your safety briefing.
I've flatlined before, I'll survive this.
- Ah! - Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
[SCREAMING.]
This is strange.
Your father's in some passion that works him Stop! [GRUNTS.]
Get this off me.
Show's over! Nice dismount.
I heard the faint cries of your L5-S1.
How could you do this to me? - Me? - Yes.
Performing "The Tempest" with that disrupter? I have never felt more betrayed.
I had no choice.
We had a whole show to do, and you left me standing there with my apocrypha in my hand.
I was proving a point! The faire is sacred.
People come here for the history, the authenticity.
If we lost that now, then what? Then we might as well be gyrating on a cruise ship to a sea of Aunt Lindas.
I don't like it, either.
Then why didn't you have my back? I voted with you.
But at some point, you have to acknowledge that if we don't change the faire today, there may not be one at all tomorrow.
I've been here since the beginning.
This means something to me.
The thing that sucks about compromise is that it forces you outside of your safe zone, and once that happens, whether you like it or not, you get a front-row seat to all the ways in which you've cheated yourself of new experiences.
We can get through this.
Together.
I want to sleep at night knowing that I stuck to my values.
Lots of "I's" and "my's.
" You're not gonna offer me one of your Shakespearean lines of wisdom? Nope! I've got to go french a man in public.
[LAUGHTER.]
That's a short sword.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, well, let me be the judge.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh! You! You! Oh, why haven't I seen you more often? Oh, no, really, how is the faire treating you? Yes? Good, let me get you some flagons.
I've been coming to the Royal since quaaludes were in.
This was a horror show.
- And the Queen was a no-show.
- [GROANS.]
Can you blame her? There were Ewoks at the joust.
I applaud Her Majesty for not attending today.
It was beneath her.
Still, what is a Renaissance without our Queen? Whatever.
Screw her! Okay, you two.
Don't be mad.
DELILAH: [CLEARS THROAT.]
The decision was unanimous.
Shart has the least offensive O-face.
- You showed her? - STICK: I had to! We needed an impartial judge, and she has the most experience with nudity.
God, dude! I mean, I'm flattered you picked me.
It was the toes, right? Hold on, you said that the pick was "unanimous"? Yeah.
We all voted.
- Oh, my God.
- What? I sent those videos only to you.
Oh, and I respected your privacy, but I couldn't pick on my own.
You were all so specific.
So, I told Natasha, and she sent them out.
Although she did get them from me originally.
I think I have a problem.
- Congratulations! - Don't you leave! Just so you know this doesn't feel like a win.
Okay, we have to align our lies.
We'll tell Joel that you got crabs from the mattress, or if you get HPV, we'll say that it's airborne here.
Don't worry, he won't care.
I have a freebie.
A what? A hall pass.
For sex.
Joel cheated.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
- With who? - Oh, his mobile notary.
- Her name is "Judee.
" - Oh.
- With two Es.
- Unh-unh.
I almost killed him twice for that.
Erin, I'm so sorry.
So, that's why you came to visit? I was suspicious of you bringing a book.
You don't read.
Well, I got the gist from the flap.
Why go through all of this? Why don't you just leave him? And throw away six years of marriage, happy-ish kids? I figured I'd get even and keep my life.
I'll figure out the rest later.
Wow, that's very modern of you.
You know I always thought it would be with John Cho, frankly, but, um Seriously, Leaf was amazing.
- He has this curve - To the left.
Yeah, I'm familiar.
Ew! You slept with him, too?! Why do you think I was so disturbed? Because, like, you thought I was, like, throwing away my marriage! Yes, and the fact that we shared a penis! Ugh! Which I got to first.
Okay, well now we're even, because I kissed that guy in Costa Rica first.
[GASPS.]
I'm so glad you came.
- Twice.
- Ew.
[APPLAUSE.]
HELEN: No! You look so stupid.
Go away.
Next! [AUDIENCE BOOS, GROANS.]
Gross.
Fat ass.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
No! What are those? Boobs on your head? Next! Oh, no! Colors.
Vomit.
Sick.
Barf all over you.
Next! We still don't have a Queen, and this was the only way to keep her from hurting anybody with her sword.
- Hmm.
- No! Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! Hey, call me.
Just kidding, don't! Next! Oh, this again? I voted for you.
Oh, God.
That's Ugh.
Who did Shart's lighting? Because it was disgusting, but he did manage to capture the golden hour.
Uh, I don't want to talk about any of it.
Rest assured that I will never be having sex in front of a mirror again.
Okay.
Cool.
- Uh-huh.
- Good to know.
You know, it wasn't that bad.
Although I wouldn't want to pass those traits on - to your sperm babies.
- I'm not having any sperm babies.
- Those kind, anyway? - Really? Unh-unh.
Yeah.
Stick borrowed money from Friar.
We are making bank today to pay it back.
Besides, I, uh I realized that I kind of sort of want to start possibly picturing the future.
What's that, do I hear? The pitter-patter of hipster babies.
Echelon and Latte.
The names go both ways.
No babies.
Not yet.
Maybe never.
Or maybe tomorrow.
Just keeping my options open.
You did hear me, by the way, that we're making a killing? The Spice Girls are cardiologists, and they were very generous with tips.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Plus the zip line and the water orb guys are, like, turning people away.
Uh-huh.
The girl I met six weeks ago would be bragging till the end of eternity about this.
That girl has left the faire.
This girl has a clipboard.
This girl needs to stop being so humble, - 'cause it's annoying.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You did this, Amanda.
Be proud.
Yeah.
[LAUGH.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
A devil.
A born devil on whose nature, nurture can never stick.
I will plague them all.
I will plague.
Them.
All! Show me the magic! [THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[LAUGHS EVILLY.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]
[LAUGHING EVILLY.]
[THUNDER RUMBLES.]