And Just Like That... (2021) s01e06 Episode Script
Diwali
1
[UPTEMPO MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ANTHONY SCOFFS.]
Oh my God, the sun is gorgeous in here.
If this apartment, were a fragrance, it would be called "New York Autumn Light" by Halston.
- Yeah, but is it too much light? - Since you're not a bat, no.
I don't know about me and downtown.
I mean, I've had fun downtown, and I've cried downtown, but never lived downtown.
First time for everything.
And trust me, you are not gonna miss your dark kitchen, and those rickety stairs.
But everything else, and the crown molding! Emphasis on the mold.
Out with the mold and in with the new.
And this is the new you.
"You With a Terrace" by Halston.
I'm thinkin' I need a new me as well.
Should I use your realtor, or she too much of a top? We have to wrap this up.
I'm in the middle of a final walk-through.
Your mother wants to know if you've got a new sari for the Diwali party.
Yes, I'm going this week.
- Dammit! - [ON PHONE.]
: What? The Knicks had a turnover.
SEEMA: While you're on the TV, Mom needs to create her own profile under my Netflix login.
I'm being flooded with recs from the time she binge-watched "Indian Matchmaker.
" I get enough of that from her in person.
It's just a gentle reminder.
You deserve to be happy.
- Am I not happy? - DAD: Damn the Knicks.
Dad I have to go.
Are you smoking? I don't smoke.
Yeah, I need to move.
I had a trick over last night, and doing it in the same bedroom where Stanford and I rarely did it didn't feel right.
And did it feel right sharing that with me? Buckle up, princess.
I'm rebounding, and I'm gonna be one of those people who talks about it a lot.
And I'm gonna be a downtowner with melanoma.
So, have you picked out a cute kayak to go with this amazing river view? Not yet.
Growl.
Am I someone who can live on the water? Well, you are the strongest swimmer of the three of us.
And think of that cool breeze off the water while the rest of us are sweating inland.
It's the Hudson, not the Caribbean, and that's not a breeze.
That's Paramus.
- Guys, I just don't love it.
- Then don't buy it.
- You have to love where you live.
- CHARLOTTE: Miranda's right.
Besides, that place is too cold and modern for you.
I know, you're right.
It is.
I just wish we'd had this meal before I signed the papers.
- What? - You bought it? I had to.
I have been dragging Seema around for three months.
I have nitpicked my way through 46 apartments.
It's not the apartment.
I'm the problem.
What's wrong with staying where you are? - Here you are.
- You're comfortable there.
Thank you.
I know, it is sort of the perfectly worn-in cashmere sweater of apartments, - and I love cashmere.
- I know you do.
But is it too comfortable? Me living there? - Meaning? - Meaning am I living or just retreating? You know, I moved in when I was 29.
I'm back at 55.
I just cannot be one of those people who's like, "I have lived in the same apartment for 25 years.
My rent was $2!" That apartment's not that modern.
No, it is.
It's like living in the future which, you know, I guess is preferable to living in the past.
Big's gone.
I have to move on.
I have to try something else.
Start a new chapter.
Other people do.
I mean, look at Anthony.
He's already having sex with other men.
Yeah, I don't think that ever really stopped.
A new chapter.
Yes! Good for you.
And, if after a while, you don't like living there, you can always sell it.
Or just drown yourself in the Hudson.
Exactly.
See? Plenty of options.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hm.
This isn't healthy.
Lily, it's late.
Your lips could not be more glossed.
We gotta go.
There are so many rooms in this house with tables for eating.
Lily had breakfast in here, too.
All right, girls Kids.
No more room toast unless it's your birthday.
Let's hustle! Can I redecorate just my side? I don't need those.
My Madame Alexander International Doll Collection? Yeah, I wanna hang my longboard there.
But these dolls aren't just yours.
I, I gave them to Lily, too.
I don't want them, either.
They're culturally inappropriate.
- What?! - Mom, the little traditional outfits? Are you from Spain? Are you from Thailand? No, but they are.
And they're just dolls and, and, and they're vintage.
Right, from a time when that was okay.
I'm embarrassed when friends come over.
And can we change this wall, too? I had that hand-painted for you when you were little.
- And look, Lily still has hers.
- Lily and I are different.
So, you're the same when it comes to eating in bed, but not when it comes to the murals.
Okay so I Googled the dolls.
They're not international.
They're made in New York.
It's easy.
We can just paint over it.
Okay, we-we're late.
So, I think we should just talk about this some other time when we have more time because painting is a big commitment.
Go.
Also I wanna cut my hair short.
Breathe, Mom.
Thank God for you, Richard Burton.
Now, tell me you like it.
Tell me not to stop.
Inhale.
Is this okay? Can I touch you? - Miranda? - Yes, hi.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
- You want to grab a coffee? - Oh yes.
Great.
So, a lot of my other graduate students are devoting time to the renovation, so I'm hoping to have the shelter up and running by spring.
Are you in? [LAUGHS.]
So, this is less of a casual coffee.
This is more of a shakedown.
Well, I'm teachin' a full slate, I'm spearheading a home for displaced women and children.
No one has time for casual coffee.
- Right here.
- Looks good.
- Okay swipe left to right.
- Okay.
DR.
WALLACE: It's a former apartment building in Fort Greene, and I've partnered with three banks and the Brooklyn Housing Commission You're getting a call.
Oh sorry.
Hi Yeah, I got her text about Thursday, but why so late? Oh.
I know.
They gotta put their kids to bed.
Okay, I got it.
Honey, I gotta go.
Yeah, nothin' but love.
Okay, bye.
What? Nobody has time for a casual dinner with Andre Rashad's best friend and his wife, Fertile Myrtle.
I know the type.
- Left to right.
- Okay.
She's had two babies in three years, and every single conversation, she manages, somehow, to bring it back to babies.
I mean, we could be talkin' about Mars, and she'll suddenly say, "Oh, I The night that I saw Mars", "through the telescope was the night that we got pregnant with Jasmine.
" And I said to Andre, "Honey, please give me a little space on the baby decision after the second round of IVF.
" She's gonna bring it up a lot.
Since when are you shy? Just control the conversation.
- Don't let her go there.
- I've tried, Miranda.
- You don't know Fertile Myrtle.
- What's her real name? Myrtle.
She was conceived in Myrtle Beach.
[LAUGHS.]
No! Welcome to my SoHo.
Okay These clothes This holiday.
I, I need to know everything about it.
In India, Diwali is a Hindu celebration of light triumphing over dark.
In Queens, it's the celebration of my family asking me why I'm still not married.
But, there's so much more about you to celebrate.
- Literally, everything else about you.
- And they do, but my parents hit the arranged marriage lottery, and they can't imagine me not having that.
But it's my life, and I'm happy, so they have to get over it, and accept their bad Indian daughter.
Question.
If your parents won the lottery, have you ever considered an arranged marriage? Carrie, I won't even let the sommelier pick out my wine.
They are so sickeningly happy that every time I push back on one of their choices for me, I get, "Your father and I weren't in love at first sight either, but we grew to love each other.
" If I have to convince myself to love someone, then I don't want them.
Oh yeah, no.
There are two things no one should ever be talked into: love and zip-lining.
One of my most favorite Fendi sandals is still somewhere in that rainforest.
So, until I find my man, I'll buy a stunning sari and attend another family Diwali alone.
Well, you know, you don't have to attend alone.
I could really use a light triumphing over dark celebration.
Let's get you a sari.
Is that allowed? You're wearing it to a traditional celebration at my family home.
That's not cultural appropriation, that's cultural appreciation.
Oh my God Wow, that is really great 'cause I just saw one back there that I really culturally appreciated.
Ooh.
Anyone who said a marriage can't fit neatly into boxes has not seen my storage unit.
Okay.
What is the goal for today? You know, find a few things to take to the new place, so, you know, I can make it feel like me, and then, treat myself to a hot pretzel from that vendor on the corner after.
See, my mistake was thinking that I had to fall in love with a new apartment right away.
But now I see it like an arranged marriage.
You know, you learn to love it and that's what I plan to do.
- Just a little bit at a time.
- Smart.
It's like you're taking your time and dating, like I did in the '90s.
Exactly.
I am dating my new apartment, and tonight is our first sleepover.
I got a bed delivered from 1-800-Mattress.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you always have these in your purse? So, I suggest we follow Marie Kondo's advice, and only take things that spark joy.
Oh.
I don't think joy is even on the menu here.
Maybe we should just try to find things that don't spark sadness.
- What about this adorable lamp? - Doesn't make me sad.
- Yay! Good.
- Oh, wow.
Conrad's, 1988.
Okay If I were sheets, where would I be? Ooh, not sheets.
[GASPS.]
Oh my God! - It's my favorite sun hat.
- Oh.
Oh.
And now she's not just fashion she's survival.
- Definite yes.
- Yay! Good.
- Oh shit.
- What? - Big's records.
- Oh.
Are you okay? No.
I'm in a spark sadness situation.
What can I do? Oh my God.
I Oh my God.
Thought it Suddenly, it was all here again.
[EXHALES.]
And I was feeling so cocky after I made it past our headboard over there.
Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
I think you're gonna have to test run the boxes, and just tell me what's in them.
You know, m-maybe, this is enough for today.
I have tons of sheets, and we can just go get ourselves a pretzel.
We can't leave here with a, a hat and a lamp.
Okay, now we can go.
[SALT GRINDING.]
Not too much salt.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
- Okay - [BEEPING.]
Cancel.
Hm.
[BEEPING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
[BEEPING.]
- Hello.
- It's Anthony.
Oh good.
I thought you were a phone solicitor.
- Then why'd you pick up? - Eh, I had nothing better to do.
I need a favor Three months ago, Stanford booked us a consultation with a plastic surgeon for His and His facelifts.
Is it too late for me to not pick up? Believe me.
I hear you.
I was only goin' to stop him from doin' something crazy.
Now I need you to go to stop me from doin' something crazy.
Okay, well, now I need you to stop me from going crazy.
I'm in the new apartment.
There's this beeping, and I have no idea where it's coming from.
- ANTHONY: The dishwasher.
- No, I checked the dishwasher.
Try it again.
It's always the dishwasher.
- CARRIE: Okay, hold on.
- Hey.
[KNOCKS ON GLASS.]
You're holdin' the bags upside down, Jimmy.
Oh, actually, I'm Billy.
He's Jimmy.
Whoever! Bags are upside down! - Jesus Christ! - Ah, uh, five-second rule? No! No five-second rule! Give me that.
- Here you go.
- It's a good thing you're hot.
- Oh, thank you.
- CARRIE: No, it's not the dishwasher.
It's always the dishwasher.
Slam it! - [SLAMS.]
- [BEEPING.]
- Nope.
- Harder! [BEEPING.]
Could the beeping be in the refrigerator? Carrie, I don't have time to play Clue: The Kitchen Edition.
Will you please come with me tomorrow morning? I trust your judgment, and Charlotte's up to her eyeballs in kid shit.
Anthony you don't need a facelift.
Tell that to the 30-year-old hottie that called me Daddy last night.
I am not ready to be a daddy.
I need to get my face back to "hot, slightly older guy.
" Oh my god.
I think I just turned off the AC, and that's a problem because I live on the surface of the Sun.
Come! I'm afraid in my vulnerable state I'll agree to the whole shebang and wind up, to paraphrase Steven Tyler, like one of those dudes who looks like a lady.
- CARRIE: Okay, I will go with you.
- ANTHONY: Thank you.
Bye.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
Yeah, we come here all the time.
You're gonna love this place.
As long as it's not dinosaur-shaped nuggets - and mac and cheese, I'm good.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Oh my God.
Last night - Yeah, it, it used to be - a shoe factory in the late 1800s.
- Oh.
Uh, 1890, 1891.
I don't know what kind of shoes, though.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Cool, cool.
Well, last night at dinner, Jas But I think it was probably men's shoes because what wasn't about men back then, right? I mean, Congress hadn't even ratified a woman's - right to vote until 1919 - Babe, nah, nah.
Take a breath.
You cut off Myrtle.
- Oh, did I? I'm so sorry.
- It's fine.
All right, so let's get some of those mojitos.
Oh, I-I'm not drinking.
Why? What, are you pregnant again? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, wow, you're pregnant again.
Well, we didn't want to make a big announcement because No, no, it's wonderful.
- Oh my God! - Congrats, man! Yeah, three.
Three.
Slow down, brother.
- Give someone else a shot.
- Get movin', man.
Pick up the slack.
- Hey, don't say that.
- Oh, right.
- Um, I'm sorry.
My bad.
- Sorry.
- It's fine.
Yeah, fine.
- You're so fine.
- How's it going? - Uh, well, you know, - doin' our thing.
- We're doin' our thing.
Yeah, maybe - thinkin' about another IVF round.
- You know, it's about timing because I've got my job and, you know, Andre's going back out on tour, and IVF is really hard on my body, and it's expensive.
We're tryin' to save money to buy an apartment, so it's timing.
It's never a good time and it's always a good time, so.
A couple like you, you gotta have babies.
Yeah.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
- [BEEPING.]
- Oh, hi.
This is 5D.
Yes, hello.
Um that beeping's back.
Do you think you could send maintenance again? Oh, okay, okay.
No, no.
The morning will be fine.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- [BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[VIBRATING.]
Inhale.
Can I touch you? - Is this okay? - Mm-hm.
Tell me you like it.
Mom? [VIBRATOR BUZZING.]
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
- BRADY: Mom? I'll be right out! - Are you okay? - Mm-hm! I'm gonna go meet Luisa.
Don't stay late! You have your math tutor in the morning! [BOTH MOANING.]
Oh God.
[KISSING.]
Okay, if that didn't put a baby in me, I don't wanna do the other thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Are you doin' that thing where you're not talking 'cause you're going through all the possible responses in your mind? No, I'm doin' that thing where I'm not talkin' 'cause I just came and I need a minute.
Oh, okay.
Now I'm doing that thing I'm not talkin' 'cause I'm working through all the possible responses in my mind.
I've been nervous to tell you, so I've been doing everything I can to avoid the topic.
Is that why you were talkin' all that crazy shit about a shoe factory at dinner? - [LAUGHING.]
- No, no, no, no.
You don't ever need to be nervous.
It's me.
I got you.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[SIGHS.]
[BEEPING.]
This isn't working! Everyone says this doctor is the best.
His male patients look like men, not mall elves.
Good morning.
I'm Dr.
Paul David.
I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long.
- No.
- So what are we doing today? Oh, no.
We're doing him today.
Anthony Marentino, 10:45.
Well, this is an unfortunate start.
Clearly, my receptionist screwed up the exam room numbers again.
She's 22, and went to Oberlin, so there's really nothing I can do about it without risking a lawsuit.
So let's just start over, shall we? Sure.
What are we doing today? I'm here for a facelift consultation.
You don't need a facelift.
Maybe some Botox.
Your number 11s are approaching 12s, but, other than that, nice Italian skin, good muscle tone.
You're hot.
Best consultation ever.
I would ask my assistant for help setting up, but it turns out needles trigger her.
Um, Dr.
Paul David, what about my number 11s? I mean, I'm just curious.
- You know, as long as I'm here.
- Absolutely, sure.
Oh, this isn't how I usually look.
- I didn't sleep at all last night.
- Hm-mm.
And my husband died recently, so you know, that's a lot of what you're seeing on my face.
So, what are you thinking? Oh, I'm just thinking, like you said, you look a little tired.
And maybe you'd be interested in a little refresh? A little refresh as in more than a nap? Well, that's completely up to you.
But you're not saying I need a facelift? - Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh okay.
Well, maybe, a halflift or nothing.
I mean, I think you look beautiful.
You're what 48, 49? - Oh, you're good.
- Listen, I mean, you're here, I'm here.
Don't worry.
I won't let you do anything crazy.
You know, the correct response would've been, "You don't need anything.
" No good deed.
You know, he's years older than me, by the way.
Well, unfortunately, Mother Nature and Instagram - are much harder on women.
- Hmm.
You know what? Why don't we step over here? I can take a 3D image of your face for a simulation before and after.
God, my legs don't seem to want to move.
You're fabulous.
Mm-hmm.
So, as the face ages, it breaks down into two types of people: hollowers and saggers.
Hollowers lose volume.
Saggers are prone to hang and develop bags.
- You're a hollower.
- Does this feeling come with a Valium? [CHUCKLES.]
- You're hilarious.
- No, I'm serious.
Hey, I came here to support you during your moment of need.
You could at least support me during my drive-by facelift.
So, Carrie, you have a wide range of options.
Ah okay.
DR.
PAUL DAVID: Maybe a few, let's see, injectables to restore and plump.
Some laser work.
A bit of surgery, upper eye and a mini facelift.
Or, depending on the result that you're looking for, a full face and neck lift, which would take you from here to here.
Oh I remember her.
Just an idea of what's possible.
That's friggin' amazing.
With the right work and the right touch, the last 15 years are gone.
How much? Fifteen years gone.
I mean, crazy expensive, but is it worth it? I wanna kill that doctor.
You felt great about the way you look, and now, thanks to him, you're questioning that.
Who said I felt great about how I look? Okay, maybe not "great.
" Who does? I mean, what's this? Who invited this? See, this is what they do to women.
They make it wrong for us to age.
But a woman should be able to freshen up without other people - making them feel bad about it.
- Who? Me? Botox and a little filler are not the end of the world.
- CARRIE: Okay, ladies - I'm not I can't even figure out the beeping in my freakin' apartment, let alone the "get work or no work" labyrinth.
So, I say enough for now.
- More bubbly? - Definitely, yes.
It's delicious.
MIRANDA: You guys are sweet.
Drinking this non-alcoholic bullshit with me.
And I must say I am very proud of how you have stopped cold turkey.
Well, before you get too proud, I seem to have replaced too much drinking with obsessive masturbation.
- Oh.
- Is it menopause, you think? Or is it just my compulsive personality? Well, I can't see that I've, uh, seen a real spike in my sex drive these days, but I might not be the best control group.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
If you're not up for hearing about my perverted fantasies, I understand.
No, please, yak it up.
Any time not spent up there inside is time well spent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wanna hear.
Who have you been fantasizing about? Honestly? - Carrie's boss, Che.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
I get that.
- You do? - Really? Oh yeah.
Che is so cool and charismatic.
In fact, I even had a sex dream about Che after that comedy concert.
We were on a ferry.
- And I, I can't remember the rest.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mine are a little different.
They're not so much a fantasy as a replay.
What do you mean? I'm gonna tell you something and you're gonna have a big reaction.
- And I'm asking you not to.
- Okay.
I had sex with Che at Carrie's apartment after the surgery when we thought she was asleep.
- What?! - You had a huge reaction! Of course, I had a huge reaction! Y-You knew?! You knew?! Say something! - Cheese? - We had a big fight, but we're fine.
- You're fine?! You're fine with this? - No, she said, "We're fine.
" - Not, "I'm fine.
" - Are you not fine with it? I don't even know what it is yet.
Well, I don't even know what it is yet, either.
It is an affair! That's what it is.
It is not an affair! It was a finger.
Oh, what?! Oh, why can't this be real wine? MIRANDA: What? Go ahead! Say it! I can feel judgment emanating from your pores.
It's not judgment.
It's surprise.
Am I not allowed to be surprised? MIRANDA: You are allowed to be whatever you want! I just don't want to focus group this.
Listen, you brought it up, and we talk about everything, so you can't just suddenly change the rules.
That's true.
We should probably take a vote, but it will never pass the Senate.
And, Carrie, why do you keep trying to make this nothing? - It's something! - No, you know what? Big dying is something.
This is Well, as I said, I don't know what this is.
- So, are you gay now? - No I don't know.
You said yourself, you were attracted to Che, too.
It was a dream! I was on a ferry! - That's not the same thing.
- And, anyway, it's not as simple as gay or straight.
- Che identifies as non-binary.
- Use whatever words you want, but you spent your whole life with men.
You're married to a man, and now you're suddenly having non-binary sex.
It was the most alive that I have felt in years.
A finger made you feel alive? Everything about them made me feel alive.
- Them?! There, there are others? - No, no, no, no.
She's using "them" as in Che's pronoun.
Okay, c-can I just say one more thing? I, I am just gonna say it.
You are not progressive enough for this.
That's it.
- What are you doing? - I don't have to take this shit.
Oh, goddammit! My leg is asleep! Help me! Cool.
Okay What-what are you gonna, walk away? Yeah, as soon as I can, yes.
You're having a midlife crisis! You should've just dyed your hair! Not helpful.
Miranda, stop.
Miranda, stop.
Come on, stop, stop, stop.
We already lost Samantha.
I'm not losing anyone else.
People are gone in a second.
You can you can disagree, but you can't leave.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm sorry.
I just I want to understand.
Well, when you do maybe you can explain it to me.
It's not only you.
What is wrong with people just staying who they were? Some of us don't have that luxury.
["THE HUMMA SONG" BY A.
R.
RAHMAN PLAYING.]
- Good evening.
- Thank you.
Wow, look at you, lady.
Absolutely.
I completely agree.
We are so happy Seema invited a friend.
Oh, well, actually, I invited myself, but I'm very glad I did because this is such a beautiful celebration.
So, quickly, before she comes over.
Tell us, what is Dennis like? We have still yet to meet him.
He's always so busy going here, there, and everywhere with Doctors Without Borders.
It's been eight months, darling.
No one can be that busy.
I'm beginning to wonder if she's embarrassed of her boyfriend, or embarrassed of her parents.
So, Carrie, tell.
Is it him or us? Oh, no, no.
It's It-it's not you.
You are both wonderful.
What then? [WHISPERS.]
: Is Dennis fat? Ugly? We don't care.
We just want her to be happy.
No, of course.
No, no, no.
No, Dennis is fine.
Handsome, yes.
It's just, uh, you know I think that Seema is such a magnificent woman that it's hard to find a man that's good enough.
- But she will.
- She's 53.
What are you three so intense about? Dennis.
- The jig is up.
- Yes.
Carrie thinks you can do better than Dennis, and we agree.
Sorry, I think ya can.
It's just easier telling them I have someone.
Easier for them or you? For them well, and for me when I'm around them.
Trust me, when I'm alone I know there's no Dennis in my life.
Yet.
Okay, yet.
So are you happy with your life alone, like you said you were in the sari shop? Most times.
And other times it's wishful thinking, something I tell myself.
I hate the new apartment.
Then we'll sell it.
- Really? - Yes.
You have to love where you are.
Oh.
I dragged you out of that apartment so fast because of Dennis, - I forgot - And Dennis? Yes.
I made him white, so when we broke up, my parents wouldn't be heartbroken.
Hand me your wrist.
This is a Hindu custom.
It's a reminder of your strength.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
CARRIE: And just like that I remembered how much I loved the last 15 years.
["I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW" BY JOHNNY NASH PLAYING.]
I can see clearly now the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day I think I can make it now the pain is gone All of the bad feelings have disappeared Here is that rainbow I've been praying for It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies
[ANTHONY SCOFFS.]
Oh my God, the sun is gorgeous in here.
If this apartment, were a fragrance, it would be called "New York Autumn Light" by Halston.
- Yeah, but is it too much light? - Since you're not a bat, no.
I don't know about me and downtown.
I mean, I've had fun downtown, and I've cried downtown, but never lived downtown.
First time for everything.
And trust me, you are not gonna miss your dark kitchen, and those rickety stairs.
But everything else, and the crown molding! Emphasis on the mold.
Out with the mold and in with the new.
And this is the new you.
"You With a Terrace" by Halston.
I'm thinkin' I need a new me as well.
Should I use your realtor, or she too much of a top? We have to wrap this up.
I'm in the middle of a final walk-through.
Your mother wants to know if you've got a new sari for the Diwali party.
Yes, I'm going this week.
- Dammit! - [ON PHONE.]
: What? The Knicks had a turnover.
SEEMA: While you're on the TV, Mom needs to create her own profile under my Netflix login.
I'm being flooded with recs from the time she binge-watched "Indian Matchmaker.
" I get enough of that from her in person.
It's just a gentle reminder.
You deserve to be happy.
- Am I not happy? - DAD: Damn the Knicks.
Dad I have to go.
Are you smoking? I don't smoke.
Yeah, I need to move.
I had a trick over last night, and doing it in the same bedroom where Stanford and I rarely did it didn't feel right.
And did it feel right sharing that with me? Buckle up, princess.
I'm rebounding, and I'm gonna be one of those people who talks about it a lot.
And I'm gonna be a downtowner with melanoma.
So, have you picked out a cute kayak to go with this amazing river view? Not yet.
Growl.
Am I someone who can live on the water? Well, you are the strongest swimmer of the three of us.
And think of that cool breeze off the water while the rest of us are sweating inland.
It's the Hudson, not the Caribbean, and that's not a breeze.
That's Paramus.
- Guys, I just don't love it.
- Then don't buy it.
- You have to love where you live.
- CHARLOTTE: Miranda's right.
Besides, that place is too cold and modern for you.
I know, you're right.
It is.
I just wish we'd had this meal before I signed the papers.
- What? - You bought it? I had to.
I have been dragging Seema around for three months.
I have nitpicked my way through 46 apartments.
It's not the apartment.
I'm the problem.
What's wrong with staying where you are? - Here you are.
- You're comfortable there.
Thank you.
I know, it is sort of the perfectly worn-in cashmere sweater of apartments, - and I love cashmere.
- I know you do.
But is it too comfortable? Me living there? - Meaning? - Meaning am I living or just retreating? You know, I moved in when I was 29.
I'm back at 55.
I just cannot be one of those people who's like, "I have lived in the same apartment for 25 years.
My rent was $2!" That apartment's not that modern.
No, it is.
It's like living in the future which, you know, I guess is preferable to living in the past.
Big's gone.
I have to move on.
I have to try something else.
Start a new chapter.
Other people do.
I mean, look at Anthony.
He's already having sex with other men.
Yeah, I don't think that ever really stopped.
A new chapter.
Yes! Good for you.
And, if after a while, you don't like living there, you can always sell it.
Or just drown yourself in the Hudson.
Exactly.
See? Plenty of options.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hm.
This isn't healthy.
Lily, it's late.
Your lips could not be more glossed.
We gotta go.
There are so many rooms in this house with tables for eating.
Lily had breakfast in here, too.
All right, girls Kids.
No more room toast unless it's your birthday.
Let's hustle! Can I redecorate just my side? I don't need those.
My Madame Alexander International Doll Collection? Yeah, I wanna hang my longboard there.
But these dolls aren't just yours.
I, I gave them to Lily, too.
I don't want them, either.
They're culturally inappropriate.
- What?! - Mom, the little traditional outfits? Are you from Spain? Are you from Thailand? No, but they are.
And they're just dolls and, and, and they're vintage.
Right, from a time when that was okay.
I'm embarrassed when friends come over.
And can we change this wall, too? I had that hand-painted for you when you were little.
- And look, Lily still has hers.
- Lily and I are different.
So, you're the same when it comes to eating in bed, but not when it comes to the murals.
Okay so I Googled the dolls.
They're not international.
They're made in New York.
It's easy.
We can just paint over it.
Okay, we-we're late.
So, I think we should just talk about this some other time when we have more time because painting is a big commitment.
Go.
Also I wanna cut my hair short.
Breathe, Mom.
Thank God for you, Richard Burton.
Now, tell me you like it.
Tell me not to stop.
Inhale.
Is this okay? Can I touch you? - Miranda? - Yes, hi.
Oh.
[LAUGHS.]
- You want to grab a coffee? - Oh yes.
Great.
So, a lot of my other graduate students are devoting time to the renovation, so I'm hoping to have the shelter up and running by spring.
Are you in? [LAUGHS.]
So, this is less of a casual coffee.
This is more of a shakedown.
Well, I'm teachin' a full slate, I'm spearheading a home for displaced women and children.
No one has time for casual coffee.
- Right here.
- Looks good.
- Okay swipe left to right.
- Okay.
DR.
WALLACE: It's a former apartment building in Fort Greene, and I've partnered with three banks and the Brooklyn Housing Commission You're getting a call.
Oh sorry.
Hi Yeah, I got her text about Thursday, but why so late? Oh.
I know.
They gotta put their kids to bed.
Okay, I got it.
Honey, I gotta go.
Yeah, nothin' but love.
Okay, bye.
What? Nobody has time for a casual dinner with Andre Rashad's best friend and his wife, Fertile Myrtle.
I know the type.
- Left to right.
- Okay.
She's had two babies in three years, and every single conversation, she manages, somehow, to bring it back to babies.
I mean, we could be talkin' about Mars, and she'll suddenly say, "Oh, I The night that I saw Mars", "through the telescope was the night that we got pregnant with Jasmine.
" And I said to Andre, "Honey, please give me a little space on the baby decision after the second round of IVF.
" She's gonna bring it up a lot.
Since when are you shy? Just control the conversation.
- Don't let her go there.
- I've tried, Miranda.
- You don't know Fertile Myrtle.
- What's her real name? Myrtle.
She was conceived in Myrtle Beach.
[LAUGHS.]
No! Welcome to my SoHo.
Okay These clothes This holiday.
I, I need to know everything about it.
In India, Diwali is a Hindu celebration of light triumphing over dark.
In Queens, it's the celebration of my family asking me why I'm still not married.
But, there's so much more about you to celebrate.
- Literally, everything else about you.
- And they do, but my parents hit the arranged marriage lottery, and they can't imagine me not having that.
But it's my life, and I'm happy, so they have to get over it, and accept their bad Indian daughter.
Question.
If your parents won the lottery, have you ever considered an arranged marriage? Carrie, I won't even let the sommelier pick out my wine.
They are so sickeningly happy that every time I push back on one of their choices for me, I get, "Your father and I weren't in love at first sight either, but we grew to love each other.
" If I have to convince myself to love someone, then I don't want them.
Oh yeah, no.
There are two things no one should ever be talked into: love and zip-lining.
One of my most favorite Fendi sandals is still somewhere in that rainforest.
So, until I find my man, I'll buy a stunning sari and attend another family Diwali alone.
Well, you know, you don't have to attend alone.
I could really use a light triumphing over dark celebration.
Let's get you a sari.
Is that allowed? You're wearing it to a traditional celebration at my family home.
That's not cultural appropriation, that's cultural appreciation.
Oh my God Wow, that is really great 'cause I just saw one back there that I really culturally appreciated.
Ooh.
Anyone who said a marriage can't fit neatly into boxes has not seen my storage unit.
Okay.
What is the goal for today? You know, find a few things to take to the new place, so, you know, I can make it feel like me, and then, treat myself to a hot pretzel from that vendor on the corner after.
See, my mistake was thinking that I had to fall in love with a new apartment right away.
But now I see it like an arranged marriage.
You know, you learn to love it and that's what I plan to do.
- Just a little bit at a time.
- Smart.
It's like you're taking your time and dating, like I did in the '90s.
Exactly.
I am dating my new apartment, and tonight is our first sleepover.
I got a bed delivered from 1-800-Mattress.
[CHUCKLES.]
Do you always have these in your purse? So, I suggest we follow Marie Kondo's advice, and only take things that spark joy.
Oh.
I don't think joy is even on the menu here.
Maybe we should just try to find things that don't spark sadness.
- What about this adorable lamp? - Doesn't make me sad.
- Yay! Good.
- Oh, wow.
Conrad's, 1988.
Okay If I were sheets, where would I be? Ooh, not sheets.
[GASPS.]
Oh my God! - It's my favorite sun hat.
- Oh.
Oh.
And now she's not just fashion she's survival.
- Definite yes.
- Yay! Good.
- Oh shit.
- What? - Big's records.
- Oh.
Are you okay? No.
I'm in a spark sadness situation.
What can I do? Oh my God.
I Oh my God.
Thought it Suddenly, it was all here again.
[EXHALES.]
And I was feeling so cocky after I made it past our headboard over there.
Yeah, I'm not ready for this.
I think you're gonna have to test run the boxes, and just tell me what's in them.
You know, m-maybe, this is enough for today.
I have tons of sheets, and we can just go get ourselves a pretzel.
We can't leave here with a, a hat and a lamp.
Okay, now we can go.
[SALT GRINDING.]
Not too much salt.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
- Okay - [BEEPING.]
Cancel.
Hm.
[BEEPING.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
[BEEPING.]
- Hello.
- It's Anthony.
Oh good.
I thought you were a phone solicitor.
- Then why'd you pick up? - Eh, I had nothing better to do.
I need a favor Three months ago, Stanford booked us a consultation with a plastic surgeon for His and His facelifts.
Is it too late for me to not pick up? Believe me.
I hear you.
I was only goin' to stop him from doin' something crazy.
Now I need you to go to stop me from doin' something crazy.
Okay, well, now I need you to stop me from going crazy.
I'm in the new apartment.
There's this beeping, and I have no idea where it's coming from.
- ANTHONY: The dishwasher.
- No, I checked the dishwasher.
Try it again.
It's always the dishwasher.
- CARRIE: Okay, hold on.
- Hey.
[KNOCKS ON GLASS.]
You're holdin' the bags upside down, Jimmy.
Oh, actually, I'm Billy.
He's Jimmy.
Whoever! Bags are upside down! - Jesus Christ! - Ah, uh, five-second rule? No! No five-second rule! Give me that.
- Here you go.
- It's a good thing you're hot.
- Oh, thank you.
- CARRIE: No, it's not the dishwasher.
It's always the dishwasher.
Slam it! - [SLAMS.]
- [BEEPING.]
- Nope.
- Harder! [BEEPING.]
Could the beeping be in the refrigerator? Carrie, I don't have time to play Clue: The Kitchen Edition.
Will you please come with me tomorrow morning? I trust your judgment, and Charlotte's up to her eyeballs in kid shit.
Anthony you don't need a facelift.
Tell that to the 30-year-old hottie that called me Daddy last night.
I am not ready to be a daddy.
I need to get my face back to "hot, slightly older guy.
" Oh my god.
I think I just turned off the AC, and that's a problem because I live on the surface of the Sun.
Come! I'm afraid in my vulnerable state I'll agree to the whole shebang and wind up, to paraphrase Steven Tyler, like one of those dudes who looks like a lady.
- CARRIE: Okay, I will go with you.
- ANTHONY: Thank you.
Bye.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
Yeah, we come here all the time.
You're gonna love this place.
As long as it's not dinosaur-shaped nuggets - and mac and cheese, I'm good.
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Oh my God.
Last night - Yeah, it, it used to be - a shoe factory in the late 1800s.
- Oh.
Uh, 1890, 1891.
I don't know what kind of shoes, though.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Cool, cool.
Well, last night at dinner, Jas But I think it was probably men's shoes because what wasn't about men back then, right? I mean, Congress hadn't even ratified a woman's - right to vote until 1919 - Babe, nah, nah.
Take a breath.
You cut off Myrtle.
- Oh, did I? I'm so sorry.
- It's fine.
All right, so let's get some of those mojitos.
Oh, I-I'm not drinking.
Why? What, are you pregnant again? [LAUGHS.]
Oh, wow, you're pregnant again.
Well, we didn't want to make a big announcement because No, no, it's wonderful.
- Oh my God! - Congrats, man! Yeah, three.
Three.
Slow down, brother.
- Give someone else a shot.
- Get movin', man.
Pick up the slack.
- Hey, don't say that.
- Oh, right.
- Um, I'm sorry.
My bad.
- Sorry.
- It's fine.
Yeah, fine.
- You're so fine.
- How's it going? - Uh, well, you know, - doin' our thing.
- We're doin' our thing.
Yeah, maybe - thinkin' about another IVF round.
- You know, it's about timing because I've got my job and, you know, Andre's going back out on tour, and IVF is really hard on my body, and it's expensive.
We're tryin' to save money to buy an apartment, so it's timing.
It's never a good time and it's always a good time, so.
A couple like you, you gotta have babies.
Yeah.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
- [BEEPING.]
- Oh, hi.
This is 5D.
Yes, hello.
Um that beeping's back.
Do you think you could send maintenance again? Oh, okay, okay.
No, no.
The morning will be fine.
- Okay.
Thank you.
- [BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[VIBRATING.]
Inhale.
Can I touch you? - Is this okay? - Mm-hm.
Tell me you like it.
Mom? [VIBRATOR BUZZING.]
- [KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
- BRADY: Mom? I'll be right out! - Are you okay? - Mm-hm! I'm gonna go meet Luisa.
Don't stay late! You have your math tutor in the morning! [BOTH MOANING.]
Oh God.
[KISSING.]
Okay, if that didn't put a baby in me, I don't wanna do the other thing.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh.
Are you doin' that thing where you're not talking 'cause you're going through all the possible responses in your mind? No, I'm doin' that thing where I'm not talkin' 'cause I just came and I need a minute.
Oh, okay.
Now I'm doing that thing I'm not talkin' 'cause I'm working through all the possible responses in my mind.
I've been nervous to tell you, so I've been doing everything I can to avoid the topic.
Is that why you were talkin' all that crazy shit about a shoe factory at dinner? - [LAUGHING.]
- No, no, no, no.
You don't ever need to be nervous.
It's me.
I got you.
[BEEPING.]
[BEEPING.]
[SIGHS.]
[BEEPING.]
This isn't working! Everyone says this doctor is the best.
His male patients look like men, not mall elves.
Good morning.
I'm Dr.
Paul David.
I hope I haven't kept you waiting too long.
- No.
- So what are we doing today? Oh, no.
We're doing him today.
Anthony Marentino, 10:45.
Well, this is an unfortunate start.
Clearly, my receptionist screwed up the exam room numbers again.
She's 22, and went to Oberlin, so there's really nothing I can do about it without risking a lawsuit.
So let's just start over, shall we? Sure.
What are we doing today? I'm here for a facelift consultation.
You don't need a facelift.
Maybe some Botox.
Your number 11s are approaching 12s, but, other than that, nice Italian skin, good muscle tone.
You're hot.
Best consultation ever.
I would ask my assistant for help setting up, but it turns out needles trigger her.
Um, Dr.
Paul David, what about my number 11s? I mean, I'm just curious.
- You know, as long as I'm here.
- Absolutely, sure.
Oh, this isn't how I usually look.
- I didn't sleep at all last night.
- Hm-mm.
And my husband died recently, so you know, that's a lot of what you're seeing on my face.
So, what are you thinking? Oh, I'm just thinking, like you said, you look a little tired.
And maybe you'd be interested in a little refresh? A little refresh as in more than a nap? Well, that's completely up to you.
But you're not saying I need a facelift? - Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh okay.
Well, maybe, a halflift or nothing.
I mean, I think you look beautiful.
You're what 48, 49? - Oh, you're good.
- Listen, I mean, you're here, I'm here.
Don't worry.
I won't let you do anything crazy.
You know, the correct response would've been, "You don't need anything.
" No good deed.
You know, he's years older than me, by the way.
Well, unfortunately, Mother Nature and Instagram - are much harder on women.
- Hmm.
You know what? Why don't we step over here? I can take a 3D image of your face for a simulation before and after.
God, my legs don't seem to want to move.
You're fabulous.
Mm-hmm.
So, as the face ages, it breaks down into two types of people: hollowers and saggers.
Hollowers lose volume.
Saggers are prone to hang and develop bags.
- You're a hollower.
- Does this feeling come with a Valium? [CHUCKLES.]
- You're hilarious.
- No, I'm serious.
Hey, I came here to support you during your moment of need.
You could at least support me during my drive-by facelift.
So, Carrie, you have a wide range of options.
Ah okay.
DR.
PAUL DAVID: Maybe a few, let's see, injectables to restore and plump.
Some laser work.
A bit of surgery, upper eye and a mini facelift.
Or, depending on the result that you're looking for, a full face and neck lift, which would take you from here to here.
Oh I remember her.
Just an idea of what's possible.
That's friggin' amazing.
With the right work and the right touch, the last 15 years are gone.
How much? Fifteen years gone.
I mean, crazy expensive, but is it worth it? I wanna kill that doctor.
You felt great about the way you look, and now, thanks to him, you're questioning that.
Who said I felt great about how I look? Okay, maybe not "great.
" Who does? I mean, what's this? Who invited this? See, this is what they do to women.
They make it wrong for us to age.
But a woman should be able to freshen up without other people - making them feel bad about it.
- Who? Me? Botox and a little filler are not the end of the world.
- CARRIE: Okay, ladies - I'm not I can't even figure out the beeping in my freakin' apartment, let alone the "get work or no work" labyrinth.
So, I say enough for now.
- More bubbly? - Definitely, yes.
It's delicious.
MIRANDA: You guys are sweet.
Drinking this non-alcoholic bullshit with me.
And I must say I am very proud of how you have stopped cold turkey.
Well, before you get too proud, I seem to have replaced too much drinking with obsessive masturbation.
- Oh.
- Is it menopause, you think? Or is it just my compulsive personality? Well, I can't see that I've, uh, seen a real spike in my sex drive these days, but I might not be the best control group.
Oh, shit.
I'm sorry.
If you're not up for hearing about my perverted fantasies, I understand.
No, please, yak it up.
Any time not spent up there inside is time well spent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I wanna hear.
Who have you been fantasizing about? Honestly? - Carrie's boss, Che.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
I get that.
- You do? - Really? Oh yeah.
Che is so cool and charismatic.
In fact, I even had a sex dream about Che after that comedy concert.
We were on a ferry.
- And I, I can't remember the rest.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Mine are a little different.
They're not so much a fantasy as a replay.
What do you mean? I'm gonna tell you something and you're gonna have a big reaction.
- And I'm asking you not to.
- Okay.
I had sex with Che at Carrie's apartment after the surgery when we thought she was asleep.
- What?! - You had a huge reaction! Of course, I had a huge reaction! Y-You knew?! You knew?! Say something! - Cheese? - We had a big fight, but we're fine.
- You're fine?! You're fine with this? - No, she said, "We're fine.
" - Not, "I'm fine.
" - Are you not fine with it? I don't even know what it is yet.
Well, I don't even know what it is yet, either.
It is an affair! That's what it is.
It is not an affair! It was a finger.
Oh, what?! Oh, why can't this be real wine? MIRANDA: What? Go ahead! Say it! I can feel judgment emanating from your pores.
It's not judgment.
It's surprise.
Am I not allowed to be surprised? MIRANDA: You are allowed to be whatever you want! I just don't want to focus group this.
Listen, you brought it up, and we talk about everything, so you can't just suddenly change the rules.
That's true.
We should probably take a vote, but it will never pass the Senate.
And, Carrie, why do you keep trying to make this nothing? - It's something! - No, you know what? Big dying is something.
This is Well, as I said, I don't know what this is.
- So, are you gay now? - No I don't know.
You said yourself, you were attracted to Che, too.
It was a dream! I was on a ferry! - That's not the same thing.
- And, anyway, it's not as simple as gay or straight.
- Che identifies as non-binary.
- Use whatever words you want, but you spent your whole life with men.
You're married to a man, and now you're suddenly having non-binary sex.
It was the most alive that I have felt in years.
A finger made you feel alive? Everything about them made me feel alive.
- Them?! There, there are others? - No, no, no, no.
She's using "them" as in Che's pronoun.
Okay, c-can I just say one more thing? I, I am just gonna say it.
You are not progressive enough for this.
That's it.
- What are you doing? - I don't have to take this shit.
Oh, goddammit! My leg is asleep! Help me! Cool.
Okay What-what are you gonna, walk away? Yeah, as soon as I can, yes.
You're having a midlife crisis! You should've just dyed your hair! Not helpful.
Miranda, stop.
Miranda, stop.
Come on, stop, stop, stop.
We already lost Samantha.
I'm not losing anyone else.
People are gone in a second.
You can you can disagree, but you can't leave.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING.]
I'm sorry.
I just I want to understand.
Well, when you do maybe you can explain it to me.
It's not only you.
What is wrong with people just staying who they were? Some of us don't have that luxury.
["THE HUMMA SONG" BY A.
R.
RAHMAN PLAYING.]
- Good evening.
- Thank you.
Wow, look at you, lady.
Absolutely.
I completely agree.
We are so happy Seema invited a friend.
Oh, well, actually, I invited myself, but I'm very glad I did because this is such a beautiful celebration.
So, quickly, before she comes over.
Tell us, what is Dennis like? We have still yet to meet him.
He's always so busy going here, there, and everywhere with Doctors Without Borders.
It's been eight months, darling.
No one can be that busy.
I'm beginning to wonder if she's embarrassed of her boyfriend, or embarrassed of her parents.
So, Carrie, tell.
Is it him or us? Oh, no, no.
It's It-it's not you.
You are both wonderful.
What then? [WHISPERS.]
: Is Dennis fat? Ugly? We don't care.
We just want her to be happy.
No, of course.
No, no, no.
No, Dennis is fine.
Handsome, yes.
It's just, uh, you know I think that Seema is such a magnificent woman that it's hard to find a man that's good enough.
- But she will.
- She's 53.
What are you three so intense about? Dennis.
- The jig is up.
- Yes.
Carrie thinks you can do better than Dennis, and we agree.
Sorry, I think ya can.
It's just easier telling them I have someone.
Easier for them or you? For them well, and for me when I'm around them.
Trust me, when I'm alone I know there's no Dennis in my life.
Yet.
Okay, yet.
So are you happy with your life alone, like you said you were in the sari shop? Most times.
And other times it's wishful thinking, something I tell myself.
I hate the new apartment.
Then we'll sell it.
- Really? - Yes.
You have to love where you are.
Oh.
I dragged you out of that apartment so fast because of Dennis, - I forgot - And Dennis? Yes.
I made him white, so when we broke up, my parents wouldn't be heartbroken.
Hand me your wrist.
This is a Hindu custom.
It's a reminder of your strength.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING.]
CARRIE: And just like that I remembered how much I loved the last 15 years.
["I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW" BY JOHNNY NASH PLAYING.]
I can see clearly now the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day I think I can make it now the pain is gone All of the bad feelings have disappeared Here is that rainbow I've been praying for It's gonna be a bright Bright sunshiny day Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies Look straight ahead, nothing but blue skies