Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s01e06 Episode Script
Wedding
ANDY: It's great being a writer.
Whenever things get boring, I can go wherever I want.
Like right now, I'm hard at work on the manual for the Sawbridge amphibious personnel vehicle but in my imagination, I'm a million miles away on Planet Andy, where everyone looks just like me.
Here you go, Andy.
Thanks, Andy.
Or instead of being just boring old Andy eating a piece of dry wheat toast in my writer's imagination I'm eating raisin bread, and I'm Stovepipe Tommy, a delightful, cockney porridge vendor.
Top of the day to you, Guv'nor! Wheat bread into raisin toast or sourdough into panini-- these are but a few of the many breads a writer has in his repertoire.
You and your precious flummery about being a writer.
I am a writer.
Yes, we're all waiting with bated breath for your new novel about porridge vendors and all the different breads they eat.
That was just an example.
I've written plenty of stuff.
I even sold a short story once.
And that makes you a writer? I murdered a man with an ax once.
By your liberal definition I suppose that would make me an ax murderer.
Well, yeah.
The imaginary dead guy had a point.
I mean, how can I really call myself a writer when the last thing I had published was a magazine article a year ago? So, what do you think? It's good.
A lot of stuff about kitties in it.
Well, those are sort of the parameters of the assignment.
That settled it.
I'd been totally blocked in my writing lately, so I decided to set aside the entire weekend to do nothing but write.
Hi, Andy.
Are you excited about Ramona's wedding this weekend? Oh, no.
Ramona's some woman from accounting who's getting married in Wisconsin.
I'd show you a picture of her but I'm not even sure what she looks like.
I'm pretty sure she's one of these three women.
Her dad's the vice president of something.
He might be one of these guys.
Don't worry, you don't have to remember any of these people.
I don't want to go out of town this weekend.
Aw, come on, Andy.
It'll be fun.
Wisconsin is the Badger State, and you were just saying the other day, how much you needed a badger.
(gruff accent): Badgers? I don't need no stinking badgers.
It's from a movie.
No, I know.
So are you going to go to the wedding? Sure.
I really do want to get some writing done, though.
I really admire how you work every weekend.
I'd love to read something that you wrote.
Well, then you should pick up a copy of this week's People magazine.
Really? You got a story published? Well, actually, it's just a letter I wrote saying how much I admire Naomi Judd's courage.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* So, which one is Ramona? Is she the one with the ears? I think everyone who works here has ears.
Hi, Andy.
Hi, Lorie.
So are you going to dance with me this weekend, huh? * Little dance, little dance * * Little da-a-ance? * Well, if you ask me enough times.
I mean, Wisconsin is the Badger State.
(both laughing) You are so weird.
Wisconsin is the Dairy State, weirdo, and I hear that cheese is an aphrodisiac.
Lorie likes you.
Lorie likes everybody.
At the last Christmas party, she "liked" Tim Stalin's brains out on the Xerox machine.
Here's a photograph of me in my underwear.
Hah! It's Ramona's gift registry.
You've been served.
I have to get her a present, too? Hey, what if my gift is not getting drunk and hitting on her mom? I'll split that with you.
Ooh, hey, Patrick.
Did you get that photocopying done for me? Whoa, what about "Hello, Patrick.
"How are you, Patrick? It's nice to see you, Patrick"? See how everyone likes to be treated like a human being? That's annoying, Patrick.
I needed those copies yesterday, Patrick.
You want it when? (laughs) See, there's this poster in the mailroom and this one guy's laughing, and he's saying "You want it when?" I should tape that on my cart.
Have you ever worked in an office before? See, I'm your boss, so when I ask you to do something Ooh, pulling rank.
Can you believe this? Don't look at me.
Just 'cause we're both men, doesn't mean I'm on your side.
Can you believe these two? I don't like you, either.
All right.
What do you think? You're gorgeous.
Hang on a second, Andy.
Keith, what do you think? You look good.
A little too good.
It's pissing me off.
Really? I want to look my best for the women at this wedding.
There's something about being close to that big white dress that makes unapproachable women suddenly rethink their standards.
Well, while you're wasting your time chasing office tail, I'll be in my room with my laptop.
Why spend the weekend downloading porn when you can hook up with the real thing? I'm not bringing it to download porn.
I'm bringing it to write.
Although, downloading porn is sometimes part of my process.
KEITH: Byron, you should think about that warning Jessica gave us.
Warning? Oh, yeah.
Never ride alone in an elevator with Bob Sloane.
He's grabby.
And then he cries and wants you to pray with him.
Not that warning.
What she said about going out of town this weekend.
And don't be looking for any coworker whoop-de-doo.
Having sex with someone you work with always ends up a huge disaster.
Jessica's right.
I've had some pretty bad experiences along those lines.
Oh, hey, Consuelo, how's it going? Oh, my God, my eyes! All right, I'm sorry I didn't call! Okay, maybe it didn't happen exactly like that, but words can sting just as much as window cleaner.
These affairs can get pretty messy.
Just think about that.
I'm out of here.
Wait a minute, Keith.
You're dating Wendy, and she works at the office.
That's going okay.
Hmm, that is kind of weird.
Still, probably not a good idea for you guys, though.
ANDY: We all took the train up to Wisconsin.
While everybody else had sex on their minds, Keith and Wendy had sex on the train.
I know you're thinking this is some tasteless metaphor but I swear this really happened.
The engineer was scared of this particular tunnel and kept losing his nerve.
When we got to our hotel, I end up sharing a room with Byron, which was fine, pretty much like being at the office.
Maybe a little different.
I tried to throw myself into my writing, but unfortunately I was drawing a complete blank.
Hey, want to go down early and check out the bridesmaids? No, I want to try and get something started here first.
Besides, it's not a good idea to sleep with your coworkers, remember? I hear that's what broke up the Osmonds.
I stopped by Jessica's room on my way to the wedding.
She'd be proud of me.
I didn't get much writing done but at least I didn't waste the day getting all ha-cha-cha over some coworker.
Hey, Andy.
Isn't this Jessica's room? Yeah, she's a little busy right now.
What do you need? I'm here! I'm not busy! Get out of the way.
Hey.
No, it's fine.
You know, do whatever you want.
I'm not going to judge you, you hypocrite.
I don't know what happened.
He brought some files up from the office and the next thing I knew, I was all over him.
Yeah, but you're management.
Don't you guys have seminars about how to keep it in your pants? Oh, my God, I just figured it out.
He looks just like my first boyfriend Kyle.
Look, this was just a huge, terrible mistake, and it will never happen again.
All right, what's up with you two? Hey, Richter, don't get any bright ideas.
I already planted my flag on this mountain.
(scoffs) Just stop talking, Patrick.
Oh, you're so hot.
You coming? Okay, this all counts as the same mistake.
Wasn't that a lovely wedding? And you are a really good dancer, Andy.
Well, you know, the Hokey-Pokey is easy.
The steps are in the lyrics.
(laughs) Well, thanks for walking me back to my room, Lorie.
This is me.
And that's you.
Yes, it is.
Well, good night.
And you, too.
(groans) God, that Lorie.
You struck out with her, too, huh? She'll sleep with anybody.
I mean, nobody.
This is nice.
Yeah, we should drink more at the office.
At least then I'd have an excuse for my mood swings.
You don't seem like you have mood swings.
Why don't you shut the hell up? I'm sorry.
This This wedding has been a huge disappointment.
I got a new suit, new haircut, did a whole bunch of stomach crunches Once again, I sleep alone.
You know what? Women are a big distraction.
I say we're better off without 'em.
The pope has the right idea.
Cool pad, comfortable clothes, no bossy women around to question his infallibility.
Yeah.
You know who else? The pope.
Okay, now see, that's where we disagree.
Me, too.
(yawning) (birds singing) What are you doing in my bed? This is my bed.
What am I doing in your bed? I don't know.
What are you doing in my bed? I don't know.
Why haven't you gotten out yet? I don't know! ANDY: The rest of the weekend was pretty ordinary.
We all took the train back.
I snagged a really nice centerpiece.
Keith and Wendy decided to rent a car and drive back from the wedding.
This also really happened.
They couldn't decide whether to go out to a restaurant or eat in.
And Jessica made a new friend.
Oh! Damn it.
Go away.
Feisty.
I likey-like.
I'll be in the supply closet.
This still counts as the same mistake.
ANDY: And Byron? He finally found himself a Connecticut quarter.
Yes! All in all, a pretty uneventful trip.
Just a moment, writer boy.
You've glossed over the best part of your story-- where you threaded your odd little friend like a needle.
I did not thread my odd little friend.
Oh, so he was the bull and you were the heifer.
Nothing happened, you sick old perv.
So what-- I woke up in Byron's bed and neither of us knew how I got there.
Although it was a little awkward the next morning.
I'm just going to, uh change in there.
I mean, we all know I wouldn't climb into Byron's bed on purpose.
Somehow I must have been put there.
Maybe a super-intelligent but sloppy-on-the-details race of aliens abducted me, probed me then returned me to the wrong bed.
Or maybe I was the victim of a weird prank by an especially mischievous gang of fun-loving homosexuals.
I don't know how it happened but I'm not gay.
Is that right, Fifi? You've never shown any signs of homosexuality? No.
Never, Gertrude? I don't think so.
You know what, women are a big distraction.
I say we're better off without them.
What do you think? You're gorgeous.
Nummy-nummy-num-num.
That last part did not happen.
Yet.
I have been going over and over it, and I still can't figure out how I ended up in Byron's bed.
Maybe you're gay.
Wouldn't I know that? Maybe you're in denial.
Wouldn't I know that? If you knew, it wouldn't be denial.
Maybe you're gay.
Are you hitting on me? No.
At least, I don't think so.
I don't know.
Listen, Andy, if I were you, I'd keep an open mind.
I've never been with another man, but it sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
I mean, guys agree on all the basics.
That's true.
Oh, man, is there anything better than football? Nope.
Well, it's halftime.
You want to have sex? Sure.
Anything's better than watching those cheerleaders.
(tires screeching) Hold the phone.
Okay, I'm definitely not gay.
I just want you to know I'm your friend so I'll respect you whichever way you choose.
Well, thanks, but you know, it's really not a choice.
Oh, geez, don't get all militant on me.
You've only been gay, like, an hour.
Andy.
Good morning.
Yeah, hi.
Look, um, I am really sorry if something that I did the other night gave you the impression that I was trying to entice you.
The suit, the new haircut.
I was putting it out there pretty good.
Byron, stop.
Please let me finish.
I was up all night rehearsing this.
Um, I am really flattered by what happened.
You're a great guy, and I really love you as a friend.
A friend.
But Byron likes the ladies, so sorry.
I am not attracted to you.
I see.
That's the way we're going to play this.
Okay, fine.
I wasn't coming on to you the other night.
Yeah, whatever.
Byron, look.
Even if I was gay, I wouldn't be with you.
You're a tiny, jumpy little man and frankly, I could do a lot better.
See, now you're just being hurtful.
Here's the Sawbridge assembly protocol.
What's going on with you and Byron? I heard you slept with him and then told him you could do better.
First of all, I could do better.
No, wait, first of all, I am not gay.
Secondly, I can't believe he told you.
I warned you about getting involved with a coworker.
I am not involved, and besides I'm not the one who's draining the toner out of the copyboy.
Okay, first of all, he's not just a copyboy.
He practically runs that mailroom.
And secondly I so need to dump him.
Hey, Andy, did you hear? Charles on the fifth floor just broke up with his boyfriend.
He's pretty cute, Andy, and he bakes.
Does everyone know that Byron and I slept together? You and Byron slept together? I just heard that you were gay, but Byron? Okay, this had gone far enough.
I could not give the women of Chicago yet another reason not to sleep with me.
I needed to do something fast.
You know what I'd really like? If you'd talk about this.
Sure.
Oh, Andy, you're so hot No, no, no.
I mean talk about it later with people at the office.
Sure.
(laughing) You are so weird.
You know what I'd really like, weirdo? Please let it be watching me sleep.
(baby talk): Lorie wants to snuggle with her big, strong Andy.
Snuggling and baby talk.
I bet Byron wouldn't make me do this.
You got it.
Honey-bunny.
Perfect.
Lorie will now tell the whole office how I satisfied her, and everyone will know I'm as straight as a Broadway kick-line.
Well, you know what I mean.
Wait a second.
That's it! That's got to be what happened! It's exactly nine steps from my toilet to my bed.
At the hotel, I must have gone to the can in the middle of the night and then, half asleep and a little drunk I walked the same distance to the bed that I do when I'm at home.
And that is how I ended up in bed with Byron, which proves conclusively that I am not gay.
Andy, we don't care.
Yeah, whatever.
Either way.
No, not either way.
Just the one way.
Well, Andy, you certainly went to an awful lot of trouble to prove to the world just how undesirable you find me.
Hey, sweet Jessi-candy.
Ugh.
Andy, go after him.
He's upset.
Men are so high-maintenance.
So, uh I'm dumping you.
What? You're not dumping me.
I'm dumping you.
I'm sorry, Patrick, it's not working out.
It's not you, it's me.
I hope we can still be friends.
There.
I knew this would get weird.
See, I always tell people "Don't date your coworkers.
" You don't always tell people that.
I always tell people that.
Whatever, as long as we're done.
No, not "whatever" and we're not done until I say we're done.
And now we're done.
Damn it.
Byron I'm sorry about what I said earlier.
I didn't mean it.
I think you're very attractive.
You don't have to say that.
No, it's true.
Really? Really.
I feel like I should work out more.
Oh, come on, are you kidding? You've got a great little body.
I mean, if I were gay, you would be the first person I'd call.
And so, Byron and I were okay, and I finally found something to write about.
So, what do you guys think? It's good.
It's a little gay.
Only a little? No, it's very gay.
Thank you.
My uncle called to tell me how much he liked it.
I had no idea.
So, where do things stand with you and Lorie? Things are fine.
Yeah, they're really good.
Hi, Keith.
Hi, Wendy.
Hi.
Hey.
A little game we've got.
I hide, and she hopefully forgets the whole thing ever happened.
Whenever things get boring, I can go wherever I want.
Like right now, I'm hard at work on the manual for the Sawbridge amphibious personnel vehicle but in my imagination, I'm a million miles away on Planet Andy, where everyone looks just like me.
Here you go, Andy.
Thanks, Andy.
Or instead of being just boring old Andy eating a piece of dry wheat toast in my writer's imagination I'm eating raisin bread, and I'm Stovepipe Tommy, a delightful, cockney porridge vendor.
Top of the day to you, Guv'nor! Wheat bread into raisin toast or sourdough into panini-- these are but a few of the many breads a writer has in his repertoire.
You and your precious flummery about being a writer.
I am a writer.
Yes, we're all waiting with bated breath for your new novel about porridge vendors and all the different breads they eat.
That was just an example.
I've written plenty of stuff.
I even sold a short story once.
And that makes you a writer? I murdered a man with an ax once.
By your liberal definition I suppose that would make me an ax murderer.
Well, yeah.
The imaginary dead guy had a point.
I mean, how can I really call myself a writer when the last thing I had published was a magazine article a year ago? So, what do you think? It's good.
A lot of stuff about kitties in it.
Well, those are sort of the parameters of the assignment.
That settled it.
I'd been totally blocked in my writing lately, so I decided to set aside the entire weekend to do nothing but write.
Hi, Andy.
Are you excited about Ramona's wedding this weekend? Oh, no.
Ramona's some woman from accounting who's getting married in Wisconsin.
I'd show you a picture of her but I'm not even sure what she looks like.
I'm pretty sure she's one of these three women.
Her dad's the vice president of something.
He might be one of these guys.
Don't worry, you don't have to remember any of these people.
I don't want to go out of town this weekend.
Aw, come on, Andy.
It'll be fun.
Wisconsin is the Badger State, and you were just saying the other day, how much you needed a badger.
(gruff accent): Badgers? I don't need no stinking badgers.
It's from a movie.
No, I know.
So are you going to go to the wedding? Sure.
I really do want to get some writing done, though.
I really admire how you work every weekend.
I'd love to read something that you wrote.
Well, then you should pick up a copy of this week's People magazine.
Really? You got a story published? Well, actually, it's just a letter I wrote saying how much I admire Naomi Judd's courage.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * I think you'd be surprised.
* So, which one is Ramona? Is she the one with the ears? I think everyone who works here has ears.
Hi, Andy.
Hi, Lorie.
So are you going to dance with me this weekend, huh? * Little dance, little dance * * Little da-a-ance? * Well, if you ask me enough times.
I mean, Wisconsin is the Badger State.
(both laughing) You are so weird.
Wisconsin is the Dairy State, weirdo, and I hear that cheese is an aphrodisiac.
Lorie likes you.
Lorie likes everybody.
At the last Christmas party, she "liked" Tim Stalin's brains out on the Xerox machine.
Here's a photograph of me in my underwear.
Hah! It's Ramona's gift registry.
You've been served.
I have to get her a present, too? Hey, what if my gift is not getting drunk and hitting on her mom? I'll split that with you.
Ooh, hey, Patrick.
Did you get that photocopying done for me? Whoa, what about "Hello, Patrick.
"How are you, Patrick? It's nice to see you, Patrick"? See how everyone likes to be treated like a human being? That's annoying, Patrick.
I needed those copies yesterday, Patrick.
You want it when? (laughs) See, there's this poster in the mailroom and this one guy's laughing, and he's saying "You want it when?" I should tape that on my cart.
Have you ever worked in an office before? See, I'm your boss, so when I ask you to do something Ooh, pulling rank.
Can you believe this? Don't look at me.
Just 'cause we're both men, doesn't mean I'm on your side.
Can you believe these two? I don't like you, either.
All right.
What do you think? You're gorgeous.
Hang on a second, Andy.
Keith, what do you think? You look good.
A little too good.
It's pissing me off.
Really? I want to look my best for the women at this wedding.
There's something about being close to that big white dress that makes unapproachable women suddenly rethink their standards.
Well, while you're wasting your time chasing office tail, I'll be in my room with my laptop.
Why spend the weekend downloading porn when you can hook up with the real thing? I'm not bringing it to download porn.
I'm bringing it to write.
Although, downloading porn is sometimes part of my process.
KEITH: Byron, you should think about that warning Jessica gave us.
Warning? Oh, yeah.
Never ride alone in an elevator with Bob Sloane.
He's grabby.
And then he cries and wants you to pray with him.
Not that warning.
What she said about going out of town this weekend.
And don't be looking for any coworker whoop-de-doo.
Having sex with someone you work with always ends up a huge disaster.
Jessica's right.
I've had some pretty bad experiences along those lines.
Oh, hey, Consuelo, how's it going? Oh, my God, my eyes! All right, I'm sorry I didn't call! Okay, maybe it didn't happen exactly like that, but words can sting just as much as window cleaner.
These affairs can get pretty messy.
Just think about that.
I'm out of here.
Wait a minute, Keith.
You're dating Wendy, and she works at the office.
That's going okay.
Hmm, that is kind of weird.
Still, probably not a good idea for you guys, though.
ANDY: We all took the train up to Wisconsin.
While everybody else had sex on their minds, Keith and Wendy had sex on the train.
I know you're thinking this is some tasteless metaphor but I swear this really happened.
The engineer was scared of this particular tunnel and kept losing his nerve.
When we got to our hotel, I end up sharing a room with Byron, which was fine, pretty much like being at the office.
Maybe a little different.
I tried to throw myself into my writing, but unfortunately I was drawing a complete blank.
Hey, want to go down early and check out the bridesmaids? No, I want to try and get something started here first.
Besides, it's not a good idea to sleep with your coworkers, remember? I hear that's what broke up the Osmonds.
I stopped by Jessica's room on my way to the wedding.
She'd be proud of me.
I didn't get much writing done but at least I didn't waste the day getting all ha-cha-cha over some coworker.
Hey, Andy.
Isn't this Jessica's room? Yeah, she's a little busy right now.
What do you need? I'm here! I'm not busy! Get out of the way.
Hey.
No, it's fine.
You know, do whatever you want.
I'm not going to judge you, you hypocrite.
I don't know what happened.
He brought some files up from the office and the next thing I knew, I was all over him.
Yeah, but you're management.
Don't you guys have seminars about how to keep it in your pants? Oh, my God, I just figured it out.
He looks just like my first boyfriend Kyle.
Look, this was just a huge, terrible mistake, and it will never happen again.
All right, what's up with you two? Hey, Richter, don't get any bright ideas.
I already planted my flag on this mountain.
(scoffs) Just stop talking, Patrick.
Oh, you're so hot.
You coming? Okay, this all counts as the same mistake.
Wasn't that a lovely wedding? And you are a really good dancer, Andy.
Well, you know, the Hokey-Pokey is easy.
The steps are in the lyrics.
(laughs) Well, thanks for walking me back to my room, Lorie.
This is me.
And that's you.
Yes, it is.
Well, good night.
And you, too.
(groans) God, that Lorie.
You struck out with her, too, huh? She'll sleep with anybody.
I mean, nobody.
This is nice.
Yeah, we should drink more at the office.
At least then I'd have an excuse for my mood swings.
You don't seem like you have mood swings.
Why don't you shut the hell up? I'm sorry.
This This wedding has been a huge disappointment.
I got a new suit, new haircut, did a whole bunch of stomach crunches Once again, I sleep alone.
You know what? Women are a big distraction.
I say we're better off without 'em.
The pope has the right idea.
Cool pad, comfortable clothes, no bossy women around to question his infallibility.
Yeah.
You know who else? The pope.
Okay, now see, that's where we disagree.
Me, too.
(yawning) (birds singing) What are you doing in my bed? This is my bed.
What am I doing in your bed? I don't know.
What are you doing in my bed? I don't know.
Why haven't you gotten out yet? I don't know! ANDY: The rest of the weekend was pretty ordinary.
We all took the train back.
I snagged a really nice centerpiece.
Keith and Wendy decided to rent a car and drive back from the wedding.
This also really happened.
They couldn't decide whether to go out to a restaurant or eat in.
And Jessica made a new friend.
Oh! Damn it.
Go away.
Feisty.
I likey-like.
I'll be in the supply closet.
This still counts as the same mistake.
ANDY: And Byron? He finally found himself a Connecticut quarter.
Yes! All in all, a pretty uneventful trip.
Just a moment, writer boy.
You've glossed over the best part of your story-- where you threaded your odd little friend like a needle.
I did not thread my odd little friend.
Oh, so he was the bull and you were the heifer.
Nothing happened, you sick old perv.
So what-- I woke up in Byron's bed and neither of us knew how I got there.
Although it was a little awkward the next morning.
I'm just going to, uh change in there.
I mean, we all know I wouldn't climb into Byron's bed on purpose.
Somehow I must have been put there.
Maybe a super-intelligent but sloppy-on-the-details race of aliens abducted me, probed me then returned me to the wrong bed.
Or maybe I was the victim of a weird prank by an especially mischievous gang of fun-loving homosexuals.
I don't know how it happened but I'm not gay.
Is that right, Fifi? You've never shown any signs of homosexuality? No.
Never, Gertrude? I don't think so.
You know what, women are a big distraction.
I say we're better off without them.
What do you think? You're gorgeous.
Nummy-nummy-num-num.
That last part did not happen.
Yet.
I have been going over and over it, and I still can't figure out how I ended up in Byron's bed.
Maybe you're gay.
Wouldn't I know that? Maybe you're in denial.
Wouldn't I know that? If you knew, it wouldn't be denial.
Maybe you're gay.
Are you hitting on me? No.
At least, I don't think so.
I don't know.
Listen, Andy, if I were you, I'd keep an open mind.
I've never been with another man, but it sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
I mean, guys agree on all the basics.
That's true.
Oh, man, is there anything better than football? Nope.
Well, it's halftime.
You want to have sex? Sure.
Anything's better than watching those cheerleaders.
(tires screeching) Hold the phone.
Okay, I'm definitely not gay.
I just want you to know I'm your friend so I'll respect you whichever way you choose.
Well, thanks, but you know, it's really not a choice.
Oh, geez, don't get all militant on me.
You've only been gay, like, an hour.
Andy.
Good morning.
Yeah, hi.
Look, um, I am really sorry if something that I did the other night gave you the impression that I was trying to entice you.
The suit, the new haircut.
I was putting it out there pretty good.
Byron, stop.
Please let me finish.
I was up all night rehearsing this.
Um, I am really flattered by what happened.
You're a great guy, and I really love you as a friend.
A friend.
But Byron likes the ladies, so sorry.
I am not attracted to you.
I see.
That's the way we're going to play this.
Okay, fine.
I wasn't coming on to you the other night.
Yeah, whatever.
Byron, look.
Even if I was gay, I wouldn't be with you.
You're a tiny, jumpy little man and frankly, I could do a lot better.
See, now you're just being hurtful.
Here's the Sawbridge assembly protocol.
What's going on with you and Byron? I heard you slept with him and then told him you could do better.
First of all, I could do better.
No, wait, first of all, I am not gay.
Secondly, I can't believe he told you.
I warned you about getting involved with a coworker.
I am not involved, and besides I'm not the one who's draining the toner out of the copyboy.
Okay, first of all, he's not just a copyboy.
He practically runs that mailroom.
And secondly I so need to dump him.
Hey, Andy, did you hear? Charles on the fifth floor just broke up with his boyfriend.
He's pretty cute, Andy, and he bakes.
Does everyone know that Byron and I slept together? You and Byron slept together? I just heard that you were gay, but Byron? Okay, this had gone far enough.
I could not give the women of Chicago yet another reason not to sleep with me.
I needed to do something fast.
You know what I'd really like? If you'd talk about this.
Sure.
Oh, Andy, you're so hot No, no, no.
I mean talk about it later with people at the office.
Sure.
(laughing) You are so weird.
You know what I'd really like, weirdo? Please let it be watching me sleep.
(baby talk): Lorie wants to snuggle with her big, strong Andy.
Snuggling and baby talk.
I bet Byron wouldn't make me do this.
You got it.
Honey-bunny.
Perfect.
Lorie will now tell the whole office how I satisfied her, and everyone will know I'm as straight as a Broadway kick-line.
Well, you know what I mean.
Wait a second.
That's it! That's got to be what happened! It's exactly nine steps from my toilet to my bed.
At the hotel, I must have gone to the can in the middle of the night and then, half asleep and a little drunk I walked the same distance to the bed that I do when I'm at home.
And that is how I ended up in bed with Byron, which proves conclusively that I am not gay.
Andy, we don't care.
Yeah, whatever.
Either way.
No, not either way.
Just the one way.
Well, Andy, you certainly went to an awful lot of trouble to prove to the world just how undesirable you find me.
Hey, sweet Jessi-candy.
Ugh.
Andy, go after him.
He's upset.
Men are so high-maintenance.
So, uh I'm dumping you.
What? You're not dumping me.
I'm dumping you.
I'm sorry, Patrick, it's not working out.
It's not you, it's me.
I hope we can still be friends.
There.
I knew this would get weird.
See, I always tell people "Don't date your coworkers.
" You don't always tell people that.
I always tell people that.
Whatever, as long as we're done.
No, not "whatever" and we're not done until I say we're done.
And now we're done.
Damn it.
Byron I'm sorry about what I said earlier.
I didn't mean it.
I think you're very attractive.
You don't have to say that.
No, it's true.
Really? Really.
I feel like I should work out more.
Oh, come on, are you kidding? You've got a great little body.
I mean, if I were gay, you would be the first person I'd call.
And so, Byron and I were okay, and I finally found something to write about.
So, what do you guys think? It's good.
It's a little gay.
Only a little? No, it's very gay.
Thank you.
My uncle called to tell me how much he liked it.
I had no idea.
So, where do things stand with you and Lorie? Things are fine.
Yeah, they're really good.
Hi, Keith.
Hi, Wendy.
Hi.
Hey.
A little game we've got.
I hide, and she hopefully forgets the whole thing ever happened.