Animal Control (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
♪
[PHONE CHIMES]
Got a text from a guy named Dick.
That's my dad. Put my phone down.
I didn't know that was your dad's name.
It's not.
Huh. He says he wants you to reconsider.
Reconsider what? Intriguing.
Hey, ow! You scratched
me with your nails.
- They're like talons.
- He wants to sell the family's ski cabin.
My brother and sister have
agreed but I don't want to sell.
- Why don't you want to sell?
- Because he wants to.
And I find it pleasurable to
withhold something from him.
Much like he withheld his love
and acceptance of me as a child.
There's a symmetry to it.
Classic Frank. So, where's the cabin?
Chrystal Mountain, near the resort.
Woah.
That thing must be worth more
than the sixteenth chapel.
Which chapel?
The sixteenth chapel.
Painted by Mechalangelo.
Who's also my favorite Ninja Turtle.
Well, it's been a while but
I think this warrants it, so
- What?
- I'm just gonna
What are What?
[THEME MUSIC]
♪
♪
Hey, Shred's gonna be
late. He wanted to walk.
You can't keep throwing
him out of the truck.
Well, I can and I will until he changes.
And that's probably gonna
have to be on a DNA level.
Who wants to assist me
with an alpaca birth?
Ooh.
I think the alpaca would feel more
comfortable with a female presence.
Sexist. Actionable.
Presumes knowledge of what
the alpaca is thinking.
Have you and I ever
done a call together?
You know what, Collette,
I don't think we have.
Then let's do it. I will grab
the gear, meet me at the truck.
- It'll be fun.
- Indeed it will be.
Okay, maybe next time.
First they bonded as colleagues
and then they crossed that line.
I suppose somewhere on the planet
an alpaca's part of a throuple.
I'm gonna make it work.
I guess I'll make it work too.
By the way, thanks for running
the whole ditch Patel decision by me.
I feel super seen and heard.
Hey guys, dispatch got a call
for a skunk pickup at a residence.
Um, Frank, since you
abandoned your partner,
- why don't you ride with Patel?
- Yeah, cool with me.
Seeing as how I'm being passed
around like diarrhea on a cruise ship.
- Patel, did you say something?
- Nope.
The alpaca's around the back.
Okay. How many weeks is she?
No idea. This is an AirBnB
[LLAMA GROANS]
Okay, so that's actually a llama.
You're ready to have a baby, aren't you?
How long has she been in labor?
Definitely before we took
the hot air balloon ride.
Okay, I think you should
head back to the house
and never rent in the Farm Stay
Experience category ever again.
You're not a good enough person.
Uh
I think you made her cry.
Wait, are you joking?
No, no, listen. You can
hear the muffled sob.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Shred, you have to see this.
It's Victoria and
Collette with the llama.
- Isn't that so cute?
- That's so cool.
I'm like half-debating going out there.
You should go. It'll be like
watching a baby sweater being born.
[CHUCKLES]
I can't, I have this
huge delivery coming in.
There's a weird national dog
food shortage happening right now
and it was so hard to
track down a supplier, so..
Well, I'll handle it.
Yeah, totally. I'll
stay here. You should go.
- Wait, really?
- Yes.
Okay. Thanks.
That's really sweet of you.
No problem. And hey, before I forget.
You said that you were having
trouble sleeping, right?
Just at night, for
the past several years.
Okay, well I have this
sleep ring. It's high tech.
I got it when I was on the national team
and it's really helpful.
It tracks all your vitals.
- It's for me?
- Yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Wait, this is feeling very unbalanced
because you've done two
very thoughtful things for me
and I've done literally
zero things for you.
Well, the day is young.
You can make it up to me.
Or don't. You're the boss.
Well, we're married now. [LAUGHS]
I'm kidding, I mean, wrong hand, so..
So, we're divorced.
- Okay. Oh no.
- Anyway, thanks.
[LAUGHS]
That was one compliant skunk.
He jumped right in the box.
Yeah. I think we've got time
to go to Cloud Nine Doughnuts.
Oh, I actually do
deserve a little treat.
I had a big victory on the home front.
Am I detecting a swagger?
Well, it's not a big deal.
But my daughter Addy, she's been
giving her little brother a hard time.
Burned his Lovey, you
know, sibling stuff.
- Yeah. Arson.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
So, you know, we had this
open, honest conversation.
I said, this has to stop
and she heard me, man.
She really heard me.
And, you don't care about
the kids stuff do you?
Not even for a second.
- Okay.
- What kind of doughnuts are you gonna get?
Two jellies and a glazed for sure.
After that, I'mma play it by ear.
I have self-regulation issues.
[LLAMA GROANS]
Okay, vitals are sound.
I think she's ready.
Hot sandwiches! I brought sandwiches.
Emily, what are you doing here?
Surprise! I just wanted
to come observe you.
Oh, my gosh, this is amazing.
Can I ask you to put
the sandwiches away?
The odor will attract flies
and we need to keep
the environment sterile.
Totally. I am so sorry, I did not..
I'm gonna, I'll just leave them outside.
I am just gonna stand back
here and not distract you.
[SQUEALING] I almost feel
like I'm crashing a party.
Yeah, not an outlandish comparison.
Actually, Emily, I'm gonna need
you as a direct participant.
We're gonna completely
flip the baby around.
Now, it's can get a little messy,
so you might want to
roll your sleeves up.
Oh, my gosh. Okay.
Get over here.
Oh. Let's bring her home.
[PATEL] What the hell?
- [FRANK] Dammit.
- It's only been like five minutes!
It was 20. You were choosing doughnuts
like you were picking
an engagement ring.
I still don't feel
good about my choices.
Wheels not properly turned on a hill?
We're not on a hill.
There's a slight grade.
If I took this marble, put
it in the center of the road,
it wouldn't budge an inch.
Why do you have a marble?
- You don't have a good-luck charm?
- Look at my life, what do you think?
This is all my dad's doing.
It's exactly the type of
revenge a cop would take.
'Cause you won't sell the cabin?
Look, I'm sure he pulled
strings at the department
and had them create a dedicated
parking patrol just to harass me.
Buddy, I think you're
being a little paranoid.
- Maybe we just parked wrong.
- [ALARM WAILS]
[COP] Hey! Let your dad sell the cabin!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
You were saying?
♪
[GRUNTING]
Ah, there you are.
Heard you guys wrangled some Alpo.
Oh yeah, I just
finished putting it away.
Thought I'd get in a quick workout.
Nice. How bout a
couple bags for the 2-3?
Ooh, sorry man.
Emily worked really
hard to get that food.
Come on, just two bags.
I can't do it, I really can't.
Ah, she's really got you tied
around her little pinkie, doesn't she?
[CHUCKLES]
Former XTR Games athlete,
it's gonna take more than a little
light trash talk to get in my head.
Ah, there it is. The
XTR Games mention again.
Bronze medal 2020, baby.
Yeah, for snowboarding.
What is that again, is
that like stand up sledding?
- And what's your sport, Big Time?
- General fitness.
General fitness?
What's that trophy look like?
- A guy swiping his gym card?
- [CHUCKLES]
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I can do longer sets
on my wall sit than you.
Okay, you're clearly trying
to engage my competitiveness
and I'm clearly taking the bait.
How long can you wall sit?
I can go all day.
You know what? If you
can go five minutes,
I'll give you those bags of dog food.
Ah, you wanna get froggy. I'll jump.
How bout we go head to
head? Last man sitting wins.
Head to head. What do I get if I win?
You just got a new net gun.
Fires 300psi.
- Frank would love that.
- Too bad he'll never see it.
Oh, he'll see it
because my ass is literally
about to beat your ass.
- Okay.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Then let's do it.
Three, two, one.
Drop it low.
Yeah. I love it.
Okay, I'm going to turn the head.
Then I need you to reach in,
put pressure on the baby's butt
and I'm gonna signal,
you push clockwise.
Okay. Alright. I think I'm on her butt.
Good. Here we go. You ready?
- Mmhm.
- And
- Okay.
- Push.
- Okay.
- So sorry but your truck's blocking us
and we have a 7:00 PM reservation.
Not now, Madison!
- Oh, it's happening.
- Here she comes. Here she comes.
The baby's coming! The baby's coming!
Here she comes.
[EMILY] Oh, my gosh, that is amazing!
This is the cutest thing I've ever seen.
- Wait till you see the afterbirth.
- Eww.
- Oh, oh we're going back in.
- Yep. Let's go.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's antiquated, bro.
- What?
Like the way you and your dad
are relating to each other.
We get it. You're both
emotionally stunted.
Perhaps irreparably.
But that's not what the people want.
The people want you to go
to your dad and work it out.
Well, I guess, I don't
really have a choice.
That's right, you don't have a choice.
- No, he booted my car.
- Hmm?
Oh.
Okay, I don't wanna be
too self-congratulatory,
but, I think, we've
earned some tequila shots?
- Yeah!
- Yes. I'm in.
But to be honest, I'd be
in even if we botched it.
I am completely swamped in paperwork
so I'm gonna take a rain check.
Oh, no, no, no. Hang on.
- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah, what's up?
Uh, I think you should come with us.
Oh, that's so sweet. I really am
buried in paperwork though, so
Yeah, no, the thing is, I'm trying
to get to know Collette better.
Oh yeah. I picked up on that.
Right, and I think it
would feel more organic
if we all go out together.
Okay, now you're asking me for a favor
but it seems more like a command.
No, no, no it's a favor.
It's just the way my voice is.
- So you're going.
- Um,
sure. Yeah, I'll come for one drink.
Cool, okay.
And if you can, bring up
the band Kings of Leon.
They wrote a song about me.
Okay. It feels like
that's gonna be tough
to bring up in casual conversation.
- I feel like you'll figure it out.
- Okay.
You doing a lot better
than I thought you would.
Growing up I was a
water boy at a quarry.
That's literally the most
quad-strengthening childhood imaginable.
Want to up the ante?
I win, I get all the food.
What do I get when you lose?
Hm, you can have the
foosball table at our precinct.
Frank would also love that.
Oh. You're losing it.
Psych.
Pain is just the
weakness leaving the body.
[SCREAMING]
[KNOCKING]
Hey, Dad. This is my friend, Patel.
Nice to meet you, sir.
Tough start, but okay.
He's super fun.
- We'll get the door, no problem.
- What's going on?
I'm gonna cut right to it.
I'm not selling the cabin.
What do you care? You never use it.
No, I'm gonna go up there this winter.
Write a book about growing
up with a douchebag father.
You know what? Let's just
bring the temperature down.
Open up our hearts.
That's how it works in my family.
No one respects you and your family.
Okay.
Who did you talk to?
Why do you want the cabin?
I don't know.
Maybe I'll have kids some day
and it'd be fun to take 'em up there.
It's a little late for that, isn't it?
Your sperm is half powder at this point.
- That's vivid.
- I walked right in that one. See ya, Dad.
I'm just gonna keep
bootin' ya until you sign.
Do you know what a
brown recluse spider is?
I think a bag of them is gonna
find a way into your mailbox.
Guys. Do you see how
quickly this escalated
to a credible murder threat?
There has got to be a healthier
way that we can figure this out.
There is one way.
You gotta be kidding me.
You're like a hundred.
Little bitch says what?
- What's happening?
- Don't say what.
- He's trying to get you to say what.
- What?
[GROANS]
♪
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
You know, speaking of that,
do you know the song "Your Sex
Is On Fire" by the Kings of Leon?
Oh my gosh, Emily, what? Stop.
- What?
- That is so embarrassing.
I don't know why you would bring that
You big mouth. I told you never
to tell that That song is about me.
- Oh.
- I know.
Okay, well cheers to your fire.
And cheers to you both for
keeping your cool back there.
You know, in those
situations, most people don't.
My ex-husband passed out
when our cat had kittens.
I didn't know you were married.
Oh, it was a quick marriage. Bad ending.
Honestly, I think I
might be done with men.
- Right?
- Who needs them?
- We don't.
- I really needed a girl's night.
This is so fun.
I'm having a really good time.
Okay. Well, in that case,
next drink's on me.
- [GASPS] Hurry back!
- Thank you.
- Okay.
- She's the best.
Yeah, so, I'm all good. You can go now.
I literally just told you
how good of a time I'm having.
Yeah. Thank you so much.
My salmon hasn't even come.
Thank you so much.
Okay, alright. No worries.
I'll just get something
to eat on the road.
If you insist.
Don't say I never did anything for you.
- I'm gonna have this one, okay?
- Okay.
- Drive safe.
- [EMILY] Thank you.
Count it off.
You guys arm wrestling?
Count it off!
- No, I'm not gonna
- Count it off.
We need to have a conversation here.
Frank, take a risk.
- One, two
- Dammit!
Guys, you had a real
chance to connect here,
but you know what, you squandered it.
And it's sad. It's sad and squandered.
- One
- Okay.
Two, three.
Oh!
I think you broke my wrist!
Oh, did I? That's a bucket list moment.
Here, I wanna get a picture.
- Let's see if I can move it.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Oh, that's great, Dad.
- Mmhm.
Wow.
♪
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Hey, did everything go
good with the dog food?
Went good.
Are you okay? You sound kind of weird.
[SHRED] So good!
- Oh, my God.
- What? Are you good?
All good. Everything's
good. Um, gotta go, bye.
Where the hell is the ring?
No! No. Argh!
Are you crying?
Yeah, why? Too intimate for ya?
- You're sliding.
- I'm not sliding. I'm Shred.
I won the XTR Games
medal. I will not lose!
I'm Shred. I won the XTR Games Medal.
And you're down!
No!
You're down! You're down!
[GRUNTING]
Yeah, baby!
Quarry boy does it again!
Help me up.
I can't believe you do
Vets Without Borders.
It's an incredible organization.
But, honestly?
I did it initially for
the free trip to Colombia.
Well, you get big virtue points with me.
Oh. This is so fun.
It is fun.
But, I think you should know
that I'm not interested
in you romantically.
What? No. That's
That is not what this is.
This is just two girls bonding
and seeing where it goes.
I know about the competition.
What competition?
Between you and Frank.
Where I guess I'm some sort of prize
Okay, you are not some sort of prize.
You are the ultimate prize.
When I say that out loud that sounds
Oh my god. That actually
sounds really gross.
I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. That's
Actually, I'm kind of flattered.
In an objectified way.
And if it makes you feel any better,
Frank doesn't have a shot either.
Oh, that does make me feel better.
Yeah. That's good. Okay.
Thank you for saying that.
- Here you go.
- Ugh.
Keep the cabin. I don't care.
Of course I'm keeping it. I won.
Why the hell do you
want to sell it so bad?
I can't ski anymore, okay?
I finally blew out the other knee
and the doctor says there's no way.
Well, that and your brittle wrists.
And I can't do what I love to do,
so that stupid cabin
reminds me of all that.
So what's the real reason?
I lost my ass on the Super Bowl.
Oh, Dad. Again?
Yeah, I probably have a problem.
I should go to a meeting or something.
Yeah, you probably
should. But you won't.
So what's your real reason for
not wanting to sell the cabin?
Mom used to like to go there.
She loved it up there.
I miss her.
Yeah. Me too.
[CLEARS THROAT]
You know what?
Sell the cabin. I don't care.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. You got debts
and I'm very comfortable
with breaking your bones,
but that doesn't mean I'm good
with other people doing it.
[PATEL] Powerful.
Knew we'd get there.
Couldn't leave till the healing
was done. None of us could, right?
I'll be in the truck, Frank.
Where are you, where
are you, where are you?
No.
Okay. Oh, there you are.
What? It says I'm sleeping?
[LLAMA SNORING]
Oh no.
Hey, so I don't think
this is that big of a deal.
It's probably not a big deal, but, um,
I think I might have
left my ring inside uh,
- the llama's birth canal.
- What?!
Could you come help me?
Please.
I am so sorry.
Animals sense weakness,
so you have to be stronger than them.
Hey, Templeton,
can I talk to you privately?
I need the room, guys.
Look man, I made a mistake.
Okay? Emily trusted me with all
this dog food and I got carried away
'cause I'm too competitive
and now I'm screwed.
That was beautiful,
but I'm failing to see
how this is my problem.
Okay, you can keep two of
the bags but I need the rest.
Please.
Hm.
Okay, I think I know
one way we can fix this
but it's gonna suck for you.
Okay. I'll do anything.
- Sure?
- Totally. Yeah, anything.
Okay.
[HUMMING NATIONAL ANTHEM]
[TEMPLETON] I am going to sleep
with it every night until I die.
And the bronze medal
goes to Templeton Dutch.
So real.
[TEMPLETON] Bad sport.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
I'm so glad animals can't sue me.
We're so sorry.
You're gonna make a great mama llama.
I think I got it. Yep.
Oh, yes! Thank you so much.
I'm just gonna sanitize
that before you put it on.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm so sorry. Was it
totally on and I ruined it?
No, she's not into me.
But I do think we're
gonna be good friends.
Like outside the office friends?
Yeah. She's really cool.
Aw. Can I get in on that?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
♪
Oh, hey. I didn't realize
you were still here.
I was just re-stacking the dog food.
Thank you, again.
- Yeah.
- Uh, is it all here?
Well, I dropped two
bags in the parking lot.
Major kibble explosion. [CHUCKLES]
It happens.
What's up with the ring?
What?
- Well, you just put it on a different finger.
- Oh, yeah.
It was a little big on my ring
finger, so I just, I moved it.
Cool.
Well, if you don't need
anything else from me
No. I don't think so.
- Cool.
- Thank you again, Shred.
- No problem.
- Uh, goodnight.
Goodnight.
Hey, Emily?
- Hm?
- I hope you have a really good sleep tonight.
You deserve it.
Thanks.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Hi.
- How'd it go with Hot Vet?
It's Collette, and she
knows about our competition.
Really? And?
And she's not into you.
Oh, well I am nothing if not
gracious in defeat. Congratulations.
Mm, sadly she's not into me either.
Then she clearly has terrible
taste across all genders.
Yeah. Her loss.
[FRANK] Amen. I'll see you at work.
See you at work.
[JIMMY] Hey, dummy, get over here.
There's something I wanna show you.
Coming, jackass.