Animal Practice (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

Hello? Is someone there? Who's there? Who's doing this? Rizzo, I told you, no masks till Halloween.
Sorry, Dorothy.
No problem.
Boo! - Good night, Yamamoto.
- Damn it.
Dorothy? I really can't get down! Ghostbusters Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like this dog came with batteries included.
Actually, Jill, we do the interrupted stitch at this hospital, thank you.
Well, I'm gonna do continuous.
Thank you.
It leaves less thread in the animal, so Well, I wonder what the animal would rather have, less thread or less internal bleeding.
Um You got me.
For your information, there was a recent study-- "For your information, there was a recent study-- " Please don't question me.
I'm chief surgeon at this hospital.
For now.
Hello.
Happy Halloween.
We are Charlotte's web.
Here, have some candy.
Okay.
Hey, Dorothy.
Oh, hey Ving Rhames! No, I'm not Ving Rhames.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, uh, LL Cool J? Angela, get over here.
Uh-huh? Uh-huh? Ohh.
Bam.
Daddy Warbucks and little orphan Annie.
- Yeah! - That's awesome.
- Thank you.
- So good.
Hey, black Kojak.
A formal occasion.
No.
So where can I sign rascal up for this costume contest? You're entering in the contest? Are you kidding me? I'm a pageant kid.
I haven't tasted this much excitement in years.
The lights, the crash diets, this Ritalin and Mountain Dew cocktail my mom gave me.
And look at that trophy.
It's all about the hardware.
Yeah, so what's your little guy supposed to be? - You serious? - Uh-huh.
He's a shark dog.
I don't get it.
What's to get? Shark dog.
All right, well, good luck.
You can sign up right here.
I don't think I'm gonna be needing too much luck, huh? What-- what-- what was that? Well, I'm just saying, I'm pretty good friends with the judge.
Yes, sure, we're good friends, but you know I have to be impartial.
What? I thought this was a lock.
Why do you think I spent two minutes coming up with shark dog? This is a very serious competition.
I thought our friendship was serious too.
Look at me.
I'm George Coleman.
I have the musculature of a 12-year-old boy.
Please, don't question me.
I'm chief surgeon of this hospital.
Very clever, very clever costume.
I would've come dressed as you, but, uh, I didn't have time to grow the mustache.
As much as I'm sure you'd love nothing more than to stand here and stare at yourself, I have rounds to make.
Look at us.
We look ridiculous.
Hey.
- Hey.
Nice.
- So How's the roommate situation going with Yamamoto? Uh, that.
Well, I am currently living with a diminutive, neurotic Asian fellow who likes to sleep with the light on at night, pees with the bathroom door open, and constantly refers to himself as "the new girl.
" So-- What is-- what is that? What are you-- yams! Yams, we discussed this, didn't we? We-- we agreed on the lone ranger and Tonto.
Yeah, lone ranger and Tonto.
Get serious! What are you-- you're-- you're the-- you're the sidekick, obviously.
I mean, do I look like a Tonto to you? Well, if you didn't walk out of the apartment ahead of me, we would've seen each other and avoided this.
Maybe if you didn't feel the need to describe your sexual dreams to me in vivid detail every morning, I wouldn't have to run out of the apartment.
Well, if you didn't play sister hazel all night long, I wouldn't have crazy, vivid sex dreams.
Maybe if you weren't up all night crying so loudly over you and your wife splitting up, I wouldn't have to drown you out with killer jams.
Well, if you weren't so mean, then Forget it.
And I wasn't crying.
I'm just allergic to heartache.
Oh, oh, Leiter.
You do not have the authority to pull nurse Howard off of-- Ahem! What's-- what are you eating? A Cobb salad.
Why? Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's my salad.
No, it's not.
I brought this from home.
Is that so? So you won't mind if I stick my finger in it to taste the dressing.
Of course I would mind.
That's disgusting.
- George! - Rizzo, salad.
- Rizzo! - Ginger soy? Huh.
Ginger soy.
Interesting choice for a Cobb salad.
In fact, I didn't think anyone did that except for me.
I love ginger soy.
I put it on everything.
I have a bottle of it in my office.
What's going on? George thinks that I stole his salad.
- He's very upset.
- I'm not upset.
I don't think you stole my salad.
I know you stole my salad.
You want the salad? Here, take the salad.
I don't want my salad now.
It had monkey finger in it.
We have a big problem, and her name is Jill Leiter.
I told you hiring her would be a disaster.
Why, did she botch a surgery? Worse than that.
First, she shows up dressed as me for Halloween.
Oh, wow.
Oh, I wish I would've thought of that.
"I'm George Coleman.
I'm a lovable misogynist.
" Stop it.
I'm not lovable.
Then I go in the break room.
She's eating a Cobb salad-- my Cobb salad.
So you want me to buy you a salad? Yeah! But you're missing the point.
Salad doesn't stand for salad.
Salad represents the complex interplay between two alphas struggling for dominance of this hospital.
You are the administrator.
Do something about this.
I don't have time for this.
There are animals out there in costume, and they're not gonna judge themselves, okay? I don't know what she's up to, but she definitely has an angle, and I'm gonna figure out what that angle is.
Okay, you do that.
And I'll start interviewing witnesses.
I know you're mocking me.
But if you could do that, that would be a big help.
Ah, if she really keeps her salad dressing here, I will find it.
But I don't think I will.
Cover me, Rizzo.
"Dear members of the board: "I would like to officially submit my name to replace Dr.
Coleman as chief surgeon.
" That salad-eating bitch.
Where is Dr.
Leiter? He's headed to exam room to do a pre-op on that ostrich from the Bronx Zoo.
Thank you.
By the way, great Al Roker.
Leiter.
Trick or treat.
Hey, look who's here.
Hey.
Right this way.
Yeah.
Come here.
Oh, there's more over here.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
There you go.
There you go.
Right this way.
Okay.
Look what I got for you.
Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
You'll be safe here, my flightless friend, and I will be back.
- Hello.
- Where do I sign up? This is Andy "Warhowl", and I'm Hubert Queel.
Nice to meet you.
HubertQueel.
I see you must be new to the pet pageant game.
I'm quite a significant figure.
Oh, uh, well The sign-up is right here, and good luck.
Darling, the Queel family is very charitable, and if things go scrumptious's way, we might be inclined to donate to the hospital, say, at the golden elephant level.
Wait, are you offering-- Don't be obtuse.
Give me the trophy, and then you get the donation.
Okay, well, I'm sorry, but this contest is not for sale.
So if scrumptious wants to take her chances, you can sign up right here.
Scrumptious Queel doesn't take her chances.
At the moment of truth, you'll come to your senses.
Oh, yeah.
Dougie, I am loving this scarf.
I am here, Kemosabe.
Yes! Look at you changed, yams.
You look fantastic.
Yeah, I got to thinking.
I am a sidekick.
I've always been a sidekick, with you, with my wife Don't get down on yourself about it.
You know, Tonto is awesome.
He always knew when danger was coming, and rain.
Plus I'm pretty sure he was a member of the village people.
Yeah, but the lone ranger was always the hero.
But he was the hero with a bunch of boring responsibilities, you know? I mean, look at-- look at the fringe you get to rock.
I don't get to rock any fringe.
Dolly Parton would be very proud.
Yeah, I do like fringe.
Dude, that is the spirit, okay? Now, wild west pose.
- What? - Hiyah! What-- no, that's Charlie's Angels.
- Oh-- - What are you-- Wild west, wild west.
Hiyah! - Hiyah! - Get that knife out, buddy.
Come on, let's see it.
Hey, Charles Barkley.
For the last time, I'm not Charles Barkley.
I'm not Cuba Gooding, Jr.
, I'm not Samuel L.
Jackson, and I am not that captain from deep space nine.
I was talking about the dog.
Oh.
Charles Bark-ley.
I get it.
- You're obviously Montel.
- Angela! You've got to stay next to me, or else I am just a tall, sexy, hairless black man.
Juanita-- I'm sorry, I have to leave.
There's suddenly a little too much integrity around here.
What's her problem? She is upset because I won't throw the contest to let her crappy shark dog costume win.
Does no one respect the integrity of an animal costume contest anymore? Yeah, oh, get this.
Someone actually tried to bribe me.
- No.
- Yeah.
He said he would become a golden elephant donor if I let his dog win.
A golden elephant? Do you know how much cash that is? But what about the integrity of the contest? It's a bunch of chihuahuas dressed as Pikachu.
Who cares who wins? You go get the hospital that money.
Ugh.
You know what, you're probably right.
Oh, man! After I went on and on about integrity to Angela.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
What? Hey, Karen.
Oh, my God.
What's the matter, Leiter? Oh, no! Everyone, hey! Listen up! Dorothy, come here.
Come back here, you're going to want to hear this too.
While Dr.
Leiter was trying so hard to imitate me, she lost the ostrich.
Leaping lizards.
Hold on.
Call security, and lock down the floor.
People, this bird could cause a lot of damage.
I want every doctor here armed with a tranquilizer gun.
Whoever brings it back safely will be a hero.
I just don't understand how it could have-- All I know is a good vet never misplaces a patient.
Oh, boy.
I don't know that ostrich got out.
The cage was latched.
Let's just agree we should find that bird before it causes any damage.
Luckily, there's no one on the planet better with a tranq gun than me.
Um, except for me.
I spent eight months in the outback tagging rabid dingoes.
While you were shooting angry puppies from 5 feet, I was in Africa tagging large predators from a moving jeep.
May the best vet win.
And may you admit it when I do.
Wow, there are a lot of great costumes.
What are those guys supposed to be? Sherlock bones and Dr.
Watson.
- What's yours? - Uh Shark dog? Oh.
No, if I cancel the contest, then the ostrich will win.
Oh, Angela.
Can I talk to you about the contest? I wanted to talk to you too.
I've been doing some thinking, and people put some serious work into their costumes.
I should never have asked you to let me win just 'cause we're friends.
High five? Yeah.
Oh.
Are you a octopus? Easy.
Okay, all clear.
Let's check down here, yams.
Come on.
- But, Doug.
- Mm-hmm? I think he's three doors down that way.
Lone ranger.
Tonto.
I'm in charge.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Hi-ho, silver, away! Look.
As much as I want the glory here, the only thing that really matters is bringing that bird back safely, so Yeah, you're right, Dr.
Coleman.
Truce.
I think Rizzo's found our man.
Shh, shh, shh.
All right.
Oh! Oh! Oops, I missed.
You shot me on purpose.
No, I didn't.
You just jumped in my line of fire.
You just stay there, and go to sleep.
I will take care of this.
Not while I'm chief surgeon.
Agh! Oh, God.
You backstabbing mother I was working at the lab late one night Hayley, very creative.
Flower girl.
I love that.
Thank you.
Genie in a bottle.
Wishin' for a prize.
Arrr, two pirates.
I love it.
He did the mash Oh, Mount "Ruff-more.
" Cat on a hot tin dog.
Ah, yes.
Very nice.
High marks.
Well, I guess all that is left for me to do-- Wait! You haven't seen mine yet.
Yes, I have.
Shark dog.
No, I phoned that in.
I worked hard on this one.
Come here, rascal.
- Wow.
- Ooh, wow.
- Look at that dog.
- Good costume.
That is quite a costume.
Pretty cool, huh? Whoa.
You're impressed by that? Don't make a Queel laugh.
I'm serious.
It's a very unpleasant sound.
Mr.
Ostrich? Where are you, buddy? Come on out and play.
It's okay.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Okay, okay, okay.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, my God.
Yams, you saved me.
Yeah, I know.
One little kick from that ostrich in there, and I would've been a goner.
I was wrong about you, man.
You're the real lone ranger.
Nah, I'm Tonto.
And that's what Tonto's job is, to save the Lone Ranger's ass.
I'm a sidekick, and I'm cool with it.
I mean, there'd be no Batman without Robin, right? Well, actually, there's a pretty successful film franchise without Robin, but-- - You gotta work with me.
- Okay.
I got one.
There would be no Doug without Yamamoto.
Hiyah! Yeah! Juanita told me about the donation.
All I did was choose the best costume.
An animal costume contest that's actually fair.
Now I've seen everything.
Ms.
crane, you're the rarest breed of all: A woman of integrity.
Does that mean I still get the donation? I told you it was unpleasant.
That is truly an impressive trophy.
Well, I'll give it to you if you're willing to become a golden elephant of this hospital.
Sorry, rizzo.
It's too late.
There you guys are.
Did you hear? Yamamoto took down the ostrich.
We're all having yama-mojitos in the break room.
I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy.
So where do we go from here? Well, for starters, you can explain the letter that I found in your office-- you know, that one? "Blah, blah, blah, wanna steal George's job"? Okay, first of all, I wrote that letter on my first day here, when you were being a-- What is that word? A douche.
I wasn't being a douche.
I was reasserting dominance because I was threatened.
You should be flattered.
I'm not threatened by many people.
Fine.
I will respect your position as chief surgeon if you will acknowledge that there is a female veterinarian here who's just as qualified as you are.
I'm sorry, did we hire someone? Seriously, George.
Just tell me that we can work together.
Wow.
Really? You're giving me nothing.
What? I'm not nodding in agreement? No.
Oh, I thought I was.
A for-real truce this time? Fine.
Are we shaking hands? I think so.
That'll teach you to screw with me, monkey!