Anna and Katy (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Six billion contestants whittled down to just two world-class rice makers.
Four hours to go, guys.
Start plating up.
One more bowl of rice is all that stands between them and their dream.
Why now? Why rice? The chance to cook rice on the Great Wall of China.
It's the final boil.
It's Rice Britannia.
The final task is all about endurance.
Today's winner will go on to cook rice on the Great Wall of China.
The GWC.
There will be no gas or electricity.
This is extreme rice making, guys.
And we want to make sure you're ready for it, which is why we've brought the Great Wall of China to you.
We've created an exact simulation of the conditions you'll be cooking rice in on the Great Wall of China, including the presence of American tourists.
And believe me, that ain't going to be no piece of rice cake.
You will be provided with a pack that contains one rice, one lighter, and one whistle.
We want to see courage, we want to see innovation.
But most importantly, we want to see rice.
We want to see stamina as well.
Rice maker, rice maker, make me a rice.
These guys really want not be the person who goes home without winning.
Yes, they all want to be the person who wins the competition.
Here come those American tourists, guys.
Don't let them distract you.
Keep your eyes on the r-eye-s.
OK, the sun is setting, guys.
That means you've got 13 hours left.
OK.
It's 6am.
You've had 18 hours.
Let's rice.
Liz, I just can't see this rice working on the wall.
Liz Liz, I hate it.
I hate it as well.
I really don't know if they like it.
I guess all I can do is wait.
Against the odds, Sam Lungham has managed to boil the rice by keeping it in his mouth overnight.
A beautiful colour! Oh! That is exquisite! It's really, really nice.
Sam Lungham, I think we have our rice maker.
Thank you so much.
Er, I'm absolutely over the moon.
I've never won anything before.
So, hopefully, this will keep the negative voices at bay.
Guten morgen.
Wilkomen to Andrews Wolff.
Settle house, settle house.
Serious bitch.
Come on, settle house.
Sistern loven oder haden sistern ist a sistern.
What the bells a sistern bitch fight fallout.
Let's go to marke and introducen in Helen.
Helen, hello, mate.
Hello, mate! What's the detail? Why fight mit sistern? So, ein haven ein wunder boyfriend, er, Ricky.
And last Halloween, and find him in dat bitch! Aw, honk, honk, honk! OK, OK.
Let's bring in bulle marke and introduce the other sistern and is peller.
We wantern benn is all.
Making sex cake! And off.
- Hello, mate.
- Hello, mate.
So you say, Helen tells lies for real? Yeah.
Helen is Pinocchio nose.
Du bitch! Du shout, bitch.
Oh, meinen hair! Hey, mates.
Hey, mates.
Fucken in.
I hosten, Nic Hulstern.
Sistern, hey! All the tea in China, I think.
We meten den sisterns.
Now time to meten the supposed wunder boyfriend.
Hold hats, Alice.
We meten Ricky! Oh, guys! Guys! De ah.
Pah, pah, pah.
Pah, pah! Hey, bitches.
Joinen after break when Ricky haven home truths session.
We finden test resulten and find truth-haus.
See you after adverts.
And remember, it's my job.
It's quite hard to explain if you've never seen it.
It's like when you were born but you don't go back in time.
It's hard to explain.
If you've never had one.
But they creep up on you.
And then they will have written on a bit of card and then they folded it over and put it in a little paper jacket.
After a day, it just goes back to normal and you're sad.
The Queen has got two because she stole one off Prince Philip.
Then you have to blow out the fire on a pudding and you have to wish for something that you'd really, really like, like carbonara.
And you get some really lovely cards like with a glossy picture of something on the front.
Quite often it will be a cat outside a hospice.
Next it will say something like, "You're getting older.
" Humans have them and animals have them.
But the humans have to tell the animals because the animals don't know.
Sometimes, when you're the one having it, people will want to buy you those drinks that make you go wobbly.
But we're not allowed them because of the social workers.
It's been a year since Ignition Car Wash Solutions opened its doors for business.
There's a party atmosphere at Ignition HQ.
Just really big thanks there to everyone at Millennium Sponge and Bucket Solutions.
Without those guys, we literally would have been up a creek without a paddle.
And, so, moving on now to the next award, which is for best use of initiative to create solutions awareness in a blue sky environment.
And the winner is Drumroll! It's Chris Divan.
Sales, synergy, opportunitise.
210%.
I'd also like to thank my wife Sarah, and our two beautiful daughters.
This is for you.
Ah! Well done! Now to introduce the next award is actually Paul.
I actually thought my initiative would stop me being here tonight so instead I recorded this message.
'Sorry I can't be there, guys.
' But I'm proud and honoured to be introducing the award for Ignition Businesswoman of the Year.
And the nominees are Becks and Ashley.
And the winner is - Ashley! - Yes.
Well done, Ashley.
Oh, my God! I can't believe it.
Wow! Unexpected.
com.
I would just like to say that I couldn't have done this, um, without myself.
So, it's a big thank you to myself.
Secondly Great! Might I just say I'm in the middle of my acceptance speech, so I find that very, very unprofessional.
Can I just say? Can I stop you there? Right, thank you.
I guess the best woman won.
Yeah, great, yeah.
Ashley there everyone, whose husband is leaving her.
Our final awards night was going to be presented by our CEO, Michael Ignition.
But sadly he can't be here tonight.
Yes, he can.
Mr Ignition.
What are you doing here? Can I just say? Hello.
I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
I've just seen this quarter's figures.
We're haemorrhaging money.
Mr Ignition.
As project manager, can I literally myself? Never mind excuses.
I left you four to run my car wash.
From what I've seen, you couldn't run a tit in a baby's mouth.
Right! Can I just say, as a woman, I actually find that offensive.
You haven't washed a single car in four months.
There's no 'E' in team.
Mr Ignition, please, just give me a chance to turn this problem into a solution problem.
I've come to a decision, I'm closing Ignition Car Wash Solutions.
And you lot can run up my new venture - Ignition Sushi.
Hello, there, welcome back to part two of Pointer.
It's shaping up to be a very tight contest.
We've already said goodbye to Clark.
So, let's move on.
Mary, it says on my card here, you have a very funny story to tell about your wedding day.
No, I don't want to do that story.
Thank you.
No, come on, Mary.
It was at your wedding reception, and it was the very first dance.
No, thank you.
I do have a funny story about a horse.
Right, well tell us the story about the horse then.
When I was about 14, I come off a horse, and the paramedics had put me on quite a lot of drugs.
Instead of saying, "I think I've broken my leg," I said, "I think I've broken my arm.
" Your arm.
My arm.
Right.
OK.
Marvellous! A great story, great story.
All right.
Fingers at the ready.
It's time to point at someone else.
Well! Belinda, you pointed at Tony.
Why Tony? Yes, I felt he wasn't as strong in that last round.
Tony, commiserations to you.
But you have been pointed at the most.
Have you had a good day though? I've had the best day bar none, Alan.
Marvellous.
And you'll be taking all our good wishes with you, back to Somerset.
Point him off.
OK.
Let's rest those pointing arms.
A fantastic round of pointing.
Belinda, I must say, you looked very comfortable pointing there.
Yes, I've been practising quite hard at home, pointing at everything I can see.
I've been driving my husband and two boys absolutely crazy.
They keep saying, "Stop it, stop it, mummy, stop it.
" But, unfortunately, I love it.
Ha ha! Let's just save that for the next round, Belinda, thank you.
Save it, yes.
Sorry.
I love pointing.
I love to point.
With that, we're going to have a break.
Belinda, tell the viewers why you believe they should keep watching.
Come back after the break or I'll cut my fingers off with scissors.
Stay tuned.
Unbelievable! And welcome back to Pointer.
We're coming up to a Double Down Round, so all to play for.
Linda, you've brought in a picture of someone special, today, haven't you? Yes.
And that is? Myself.
Right, OK, well, let's not forget, of course, that this game does change lives.
It is Double Down Round, so, it's time to point at someone else.
Pete, you have been pointed at the most so you are now out of the game.
Have you had a good time? No.
Well, I'm afraid we still have to say goodbye, Pete.
So, point him off! Prick.
OK, let's rest those pointing arms for just a minute or two.
It means today's final will be between Belinda and Mary.
Who will win? See for yourself right after this.
Unbelievable.
The Irishman says, "I've had these glasses for 30 years! "I've had ten new frames and ten new sets of lenses!" You see? Oh, yeah! Oh, that's a good joke, Vic, innit? - Why aren't you wearing your glasses, Mark? - What? Oh, must have forgot them.
It's no big deal.
Your face looks naked! Let's just leave it, eh? Nick Rock's here! Nick Rock's here! How those new glasses working out for you? Yeah, fine.
What's he talking about? Leave it, Lisa.
Ain't you told her yet? Told me what, Mark? What's he going on about? You don't want to know, love.
You been buying glasses from an independent opticians, Mark? I don't want to talk about it here.
Why not? What's so bad you've got to go to Nick Rock instead of going to some larger high street, reputable opticians? Tell me, Mark.
I'm bifocal! Oh, my God! Eh? He said he's bifocal, Vic.
Stay out of it, it could get nasty.
I'm bifocal.
Fucking hell! Get a good look, did you? Don't worry, son, I'm sure she'll find a real man somewhere.
What did you say?! What are you going to do, Mark? Punch a man in the glasses? Oh! Oi! What's going on? You're no man.
Yeah, police, please.
I want to report an attack.
Someone's stolen my baby! I want a divorce! Eh?! Drinks - great for quenching thirst but why do we all hate them so much? A question we're trying to answer as we count down the world's worst drinks.
In at 64, it's the white stuff that seems to be getting up our celebrities' noses.
It's milk.
When you go to the shops the lids are all three different colours but when you get it home it's all white anyway.
Of course, in some societies evaporated milk is associated with the concept of reincarnation.
Hence the brand name, Carnation.
What, milk?! No way, that's disgusting! Comes from, like, a pig's tits! Imagine in a parallel universe, it came from a woman's tits, I'd drink that! Cos I'm right cheeky like that.
I can't believe I'm going to do this.
Ugh! Ugh! Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug - bleurgh! Milk! Don't even know where it comes from.
- I know where it comes from.
Cows.
- Where's that? But, first of all, you've got to catch them.
Oh, here he goes, "I'm just a farmer looking after my cow! "Oh, here he goes, I'm going to get you, Mr Cow!" See, the thing about milk is, I mean, it can be tricky, like, you never know what might be lurking in it.
I think that's because it's a solid colour, like potato.
Well, that'll teach us! And throwing up more controversy at number 63, it's hot but sometimes it's not - it's Ribena.
Here's my problem with Ribena, erm, well, you don't see David Cameron drinking it, do you? OK, enough said, I think.
Cold Ribena?! I mean, forget it! You know, I'd rather take a hot one any day.
And just to be clear, I'm alluding to dicks.
That's all for the moment.
Join us after the break when we'll be putting water in the firing line.
You're inside taps - yeah, we get it! Change the record.
Guten back anvil Kalman de Anders Wolff.
How about the time? But only jokes.
Before the break we metten Helen, who allegen bit sister in paddle making sex cake mit wunder boyfriend Ricky.
Puppet lips, guys! Puppet lips! OK, man, OK, man, shuthouse.
It's time for lie detect resulten.
Danke, mate.
OK, we asken Paddle if she makes sex cake with Ricky.
She answering nicht.
She telling truth.
Ah! Hm? I clean my cars, I clean my cars! Hey, clean out the pitch, ja? You got the own hands! So hot! So hot! I know my plans! Oh, whatever (BLEEP) banana! Put back your plums in house! So, Helen, you never trusten sister? Never trusten Ricky.
They telling truth.
Have you learning zone today? Yeah, learning zone very much.
Good.
Eine slap? Yes, bitte.
Mm, danke me.
So, you see, river deep, tension high.
Das alle for now.
Join us next week we have une hund dog with sex crash fancy ont owners.
Join backen me, Anders Wolff, unt rememberen It's bonjour.
Welcome back to Congratulation! Hello.
Now, tell me, Jackie, how many years is it we've been sat here saying all these congratulations? Well, of course, there was the fire, which sadly wiped out most of the records but we've actually been going for about six months now.
So, it's a very big six-month anniversary congratulation to us.
Couple of final quick ones now.
Congratulation to Lily, for keeping the whistling in her breathing down to a minimum.
Congratulation to Carl Veller for picking out all the orangey ones.
And congratulation to Gideon Ailwood for chucking out his big ugly shoes.
Well, we've been looking forward to this all week.
That's right, it's time for the big Congratulation! Anniversary Show finale.
So, playing us out today is a very, very special treat.
We've got the wonderful Pet Shop Boys tribute band The Pet Shop Men.
And also joining us here in the studio are some of the wonderful people that we've congratulated over the past few months.
So, congratulation to everyone! Come on out! Come on out, guys.
Well, it's been an absolute pleasure giving you all these congratulations over the last few months.
Thank you to everyone who's written, texted and tweeted in.
But there's one congratulation we've never said before and it's a special one.
Susan and I would like to save our biggest congratulation to the people that make the show happen every day.
To the crew! Come on out here, you lot! Without you lot there wouldn't be a Congratulation! You're an inspiration.
Me welling up! So, the biggest congratulation goes to the Congratulation! crew!