Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s01e06 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( TELEPHONE RINGING )
ROOM SERVICE,
WILBERFORCE SPEAKING.
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. KRETZMAN.
IT'S MR. KRETZMAN
IN NUMBER SIX.
YOU'D LIKE BREAKFAS
IN BED FOR TWO.
GOOD. COFFEE
MM-HMM
AND FRIED EGGS.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THEM,
RUNNY OR CONGEALED?
OOH, OVER EASY.
THAT'S SOUNDS NICE.
AND WHAT ABOU
MRS. KRETZMAN?
SHE'D LIKE
A HARD ONE.
YES, SIR.
TOAST AND MARMALADE?
RIGHT.
THE WAITRESS WILL BE UP
WITH 'EM IN A TRICE.
IT'S NO GOOD YOU PUTTING
MORE OF THEM UP THERE,
I'VE GOT NUMBER EIGHT'S
OMELET TO DO YET.
( TELEPHONE RINGING )
ROOM SERVICE,
WILBERFORCE SPEAKING.
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MRS. BAEDECKER.
YOU GOT LITTLE BITS
IN YOUR TEA POT?
THOSE ARE TEA LEAVES,
MRS. BAEDECKER.
WE LIKE TO DO I
IN THE OLD FASHIONED WAY.
OH, YOU DO TOO?
GOOD.
IF YOU LOOK ON YOUR TRAY,
YOU'LL SEE
A BIG SPOON
WITH HOLES IN IT.
SHE'S USED I
FOR THE JAM.
I'M AFRAID ALL
YOU CAN DO NOW
IS SUCK IT THROUGH
CLENCHED TEETH.
YES, I WOULD HAVE
A NICE DAY,
BUT I'VE GO
OTHER THINGS TO DO.
OH, THOSE STAIRS
ARE KILLING ME.
MISS BRAHMS, YOU'LL HAVE
TO TAKE THE NEXT LOT UP.
WHY DON'T YOU USE
THE LIFT?
BECAUSE IT'S STUCK
WITH MR. EMBURG IN IT.
HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO
THE FIRST FLOOR BATHROOM
AND IS IN GREAT DISTRESS.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK IS
WINCHING HIM DOWN BY HAND.
OH! YOUR TOAST IS
BURNING, MR. HUMPHRIES!
OH, THE TIMER'S STUCK!
OH, MISS BRAHMS.
THAT'S NO WAY
TO COOK AN OMELET.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED
TO BE THE COOK,
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
THE BARMAID.
WE'RE ALL TRYING
TO MUCK IN TOGETHER.
WHAT SHALL I DO
WITH IT?
SAVE IT FOR LUNCH
AND CALL IT YORKSHIRE PUDDING.
LOOK, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD POSSIBLY
TAKE THIS TRAY UP
TO MR. WEBSTER?
OH, NO.
NOT HIM AGAIN.
WHEN I TOOK HIS
EARLY MORNING TEA UP,
HE ASKED ME IF I'D LIKE
TO SEE A PICTURE
OF HIS 20,000 ACRE
CATTLE RANCH.
THE NEXT THING I KNEW,
HE HAD LASSOED ME
WITH HIS DRESSING GOWN CORD,
AND THERE WAS
HANDS ALL OVER.
EW. SO I SAID,
"TAKE THEM OFF!"
AND OF COURSE,
HE MISUNDERSTOOD.
I WAS LUCKY TO GET OU
OF THERE AT ALL.
PERHAPS I WILL JUS
TAKE THIS UP.
( TELEPHONE RINGS )
ROOM SERVICE,
WILBERFORCE SPEAKING.
OH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. CONKLIN.
YOU'D LIKE
A COLD BATH?
OH, YOU'RE IN
A COLD BATH!
WELL, THERE'S BEEN A RUN
ON HOT WATER THIS MORNING.
THERE'LL BE PLENTY TONIGHT.
NO, THAT WON'T BE
MUCH GOOD TO YOU
AT GATWICK, WILL IT?
I SUGGEST YOU HAVE A VIGOROUS
RUBDOWN WITH A ROUGH TOWEL.
WELL, I'M RATHER BUSY
AT THE MOMENT, MR. CONKLIN,
OR I'D LOVE TO OBLIGE.
THEY ALL WAN
THE HERALD TRIBUNE,
AND WE'VE
ONLY GOT ONE COPY.
GIVE THEM A PAGE EACH
AND TELL THEM SWAP OVER
WHEN YOU BANG THE GONG.
I'VE RELEASED
THE ELDERLY MR. EMBURG.
IT WAS
VERY HARD WORK.
WERE YOU IN TIME?
VERY NEARLY.
YOU'LL FIND I
ON THE FIRST FLOOR.
EVERYTHING SEEMS
TO BE GOING QUITE WELL.
THEY SEEMED TO ENJOY
THEMSELVES, DIDN'T THEY?
THOUGHT THEY'D
NEVER GO TO BED.
OH, I WAS DEAD BEAT.
THANKS FOR TAKING OVER
THE BAR FOR ME.
I NEARLY DIDN'T,
WHEN I KNEW HOW LONG
THEY WERE GONNA STAY UP.
I KNEW IT WAS
TIME TO CLOSE
AS SOON AS MR. CONKLIN
LOOKED STRAIGHT AT ME
AND SANG
"IT'S A QUARTER TO 3:00,
AND THERE'S NO ONE
IN THE PLACE
EXCEPT YOU AND ME."
THERE WAS
ABOUT TEN OF THEM
SAT UP TILL WELL
AFTER 2:00, GASSING.
YES, THE VEGETARIAN DISHES
WENT DOWN VERY WELL.
DID ANYONE
GET ANY TIPS?
SPEAKING
FOR MYSELF,
NOT A SAUSAGE.
I THOUGH
THEY WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE BIG SPENDERS.
AS FAR AS I CAN GATHER,
MOST OF THEM HAVE GO
$1,000 AND ONE LUNG,
AND THEY'RE TRYING
TO SAVE BOTH.
LOOK AT THIS.
I'M OUT OF MILK,
AND I'VE STILL GO
EIGHT MORE TRAYS
TO GO UP.
OH, MR. HUMPHRIES,
SEE IF YOU CAN
GET MR. MOULTERD
TO PRODUCE
ANOTHER JUGFUL.
AND I'M ALMOST OU
OF EGGS AND ALL.
( TELEPHONE RINGS )
OH, DEAR.
ROOM SERVICE,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
MANAGER, SPEAKING.
YES, MR. CONKLIN?
I'M AFRAID WILBERFORCE
IS OTHERWISE ENGAGED.
IF IT GETS ANY WORSE,
PUT A COLD POULTICE ON IT.
GOOD MORNING,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
GOOD MORNING,
MISS LOVELOCK.
YOU'RE UP
WITH THE LARK.
I WENT TO BED EARLY.
I COULDN'T STAND
POLITE CONVERSATION
WITH A GROUP OF
AMERICAN OCTOGENARIANS.
HAVE YOU SEEN
MR. MOULTERD?
HE'S GONE
TO COLLECT THE SOW.
SHE'S BEEN
ON HER HONEYMOON
WITH THE BOAR
AT IVY FARM.
WE'VE RUN OU
OF MILK.
THERE'S A GOOD COUPLE
OF GALLONS THERE.
THAT'S STILL
IN THE COW.
SHE GETS ALONG
WITH EVERYONE.
I'M SURE SHE'LL
LET YOU HAVE SOME
IF YOU ASK HER
NICELY.
GOOD MORNING, BETSY.
REMEMBER ME?
JUST COME
FOR A JUGFUL,
IF YOU CAN MANAGE IT.
I'M ONLY A BEGINNER,
BUT I'VE GO
A VERY GENTLE TOUCH.
NOW THEN
WHICH ONE DO
I PULL FOR TODAY?
( MOOS TWICE )
NUMBER TWO?
THANK YOU.
( MOOS )
OH, SORRY!
YES, I KNOW,
I'VE GO
COLD HANDS.
NOW TAKE
A DEEP BREATH.
( INHALING )
RIGHT!
GOING IN
CONTACT.
BETSY, HOW LONG HAVE
YOU BEEN RUNNING ON EMPTY?
MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHATEVER ARE YOU DOING?
WE'VE RUN OUT OF MILK,
AND BY THE LOOK OF IT,
SO HAS BETSY.
I EXPECT SHE CAN TELL
YOU'RE A BIT OF A NOVICE.
SO FAR MY EXPERIENCES
HAVE BEEN CONFINED
TO THE EXPRESS DAIRIES
ON THE CORNER.
HERE, YOU HAVE A GO.
NO, YOU'VE GO
TO LEARN SOMETIME.
YOU NEED A BUCKET.
THANK YOU.
NOW PUT YOUR HEAD
AGAINST HER SIDE.
SHE LIKES TO THINK
YOU'RE ONE OF HER CALVES.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MOMMY,
IT'S ONLY ME.
( GURGLING )
THERE'S A LOT OF WIND
GOING ON IN HERE.
COWS ARE VEGETARIANS.
THEY DO SAY
THAT THE METHANE GASES
PRODUCED BY ANIMALS
IS CAUSING
THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT.
OH, SHE'S GOING
TO PUNCTURE
A VERY BIG HOLE
IN THE OZONE ANY MINUTE.
GO ON.
HAVE A GO.
IT'S A BIT LIKE
PLAYING THE PIANO.
CHAS AND DAVE,
OR RICHARD CLAYDERMAN?
HERE WE GO.
( SQUIRTING )
OH, I SAY!
HO HO!
IT'S WORKING!
IT'S ALL HAPPENING!
THE BELLS
OF SAINT MARY'S ♪
LET ME KNOW WHEN
I'VE GOT A JUGFUL.
OH, NO.
ONCE YOU'VE STARTED,
YOU CAN'T STOP.
I'LL COME BACK FOR YOU
IN 10 MINUTES.
10 MINUTES?
AND NOW, THE OVERTURE
TO BEETHOVEN'S
FIFTH SYMPHONY.
BA-BA-BA-BMMM ♪
BA-BA-BA-BMMM ♪
( MOOING )
JUST LEAVE THEM
TO ME, MADAM.
I'LL MAKE
THE NECESSARY
INQUIRIES
AND LET YOU KNOW.
AH, GOOD MORNING,
MR. EMBURG,
MR. KRETZMAN.
NOW, IF ANYONE FANCIES
A MORNING GALLOP,
WE HAVE HORSES
IN THE STABLES.
IF ANYONE FANCIES
JUST LOOKING AT THE HORSES,
WE CAN MANAGE THA
AS WELL.
AH, MRS. EMBURG,
YOU'LL HAVE TO BE
QUICKER THAN THAT.
YOU SIT YOURSELF DOWN,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
AND HAVE
A NICE CUP OF TEA.
DO YOU KNOW
HE GOT TWO GALLONS
OUT OF BETSY
THIS MORNING?
IT WAS VERY
HARD WORK.
I BROKE THE SPRING
ON ME SELF-WINDING WRISTWATCH.
HE COULD BE
A REAL FARMER'S BOY
IF HE SO MINDED.
MRS. EMBURG
HAS YET TO MASTER
THE MECHANICS
OF THE LIFT.
I CAN'T SEE
THAT LOT SURVIVING
SIX COUNTRIES
IN 12 DAYS.
WHEN THEY DID
THE NILE TOUR,
TWO OF THEM
WERE BURIED
IN THE VALLEY
OF THE KINGS.
I WONDER WHY
THEY DON'T HAVE
A VALLEY
OF THE QUEENS?
THEY PROBABLY DO,
THEY JUST HAVEN'
FOUND IT YET.
YOU KNOW,
THEY USED TO BURY
IMPORTANT PEOPLE
WITH THE TREASURED
POSSESSIONS
THEY WOULD NEED
IN THE NEXT WORLD.
I BET THEY BURIED
THEM TWO
WITH THEIR AMERICAN
EXPRESS CARDS.
THERE'S THAT MOUSE
AGAIN!
MAVIS:
THAT ONE'S THE MOTHER.
SHE HAD QUADRUPLETS
LAST WEEK.
CHEEKY THINGS.
I THINK WE SHOULD
CEMENT UP THE HOLE.
PITY YOU THREW THAT OMELE
AWAY, MISS BRAHMS.
THAT'S NOT VERY NICE,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I'M JUST TRYING TO MUCK IN
TO HELP MAKE UP
OUR PENSION GO ROUND.
AND YOU'RE
DOING VERY WELL,
MISS BRAHMS.
LET'S LOOK
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.
WHEN THE GUESTS
AREN'T HERE,
WE DO HAVE THE RUN
OF THE PLACE.
WITH THE MICE.
IN THE MEANTIME, WE ALL
HAVE TO TAKE POSITIONS
OUTSIDE OUR
NORMAL EXPERIENCE
FOR THE GOOD
OF THE WHOLE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
THERE'S THAT MOUSE AGAIN!
PEACOCK:
MISSED.
MORNING, ALL.
MORNING,
MR. MOULTERD.
SORRY TO BARGE IN
WHILE YOU'VE GO
YOUR SNOUTS IN THE TROUGH.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR CAT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
DON'T TELL ME
SHE'S DISAPPEARED
DOWN THE IVY AGAIN,
THE MISCHIEVOUS
LITTLE THING.
HER SHE IS.
OH, TIDDLES,
HAVE YOU BEEN FOR A WALK
IN THE PRETTY
FLOWER GARDEN?
NO.
THAT ONE-EYED
GINGER TOM
WAS KNOCKING
SEVEN BELLS
OUT OF HER.
OH, TIDDLES,
COULDN'T YOU HAVE
RUN AWAY?
"RUN AWAY"?
SHE CHASED HIM
100 YARDS
AFORE SHE CORNERED HIM
IN THE RHUBARB.
I'D BETTER PU
HER IN HER BASKET.
I THINK YOU'D BETTER PUT HER
ON THE PILL, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
WHEN ARE THEM
YANKS LEAVING?
THIS EVENING,
MR. MOULTERD.
THAT MR. CONKLIN'S
A GOER, AIN'T HE?
I'M JUST GOING ROUND
TO LOCK UP THE SHEEP.
GOOD MORNING,
MR. FROBISHER.
GOOD MORNING.
IT ALL SEEMS TO BE
GOING WELL SO FAR.
THEY SEEM
HAPPY ENOUGH IN THERE.
HERE'S YOUR CHECK
FOR THE FIRST HALF
OF THE MONEY.
YOU'LL GE
THE SECOND HALF
WHEN THE TOUR LEADER SIGNS
THE SATISFACTION FORM.
- WHO IS THE TOUR LEADER?
- MR. CONKLIN.
HERE'S A LEAFLE
OUTLINING THE RES
OF THE DAY'S FESTIVITIES.
I'VE GIVEN COPIES
TO THE GUESTS.
THERE'S NOTHING NEW.
JUST THE USUAL EVENTS
YOU'VE COME TO EXPECT,
YOU KNOW,
THE CHURCH SERVICE
IN THE CHAPEL,
AND THE HARVES
THANKSGIVING DANCE.
I'M SURE IT WILL GO
WITH A SWING. GOODBYE.
"THE HARVES
THANKSGIVING DANCE"?
"CHURCH SERVICE"?
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
"SUNDAY MORNING
AT MILLSTONE MANOR.
GUESTS WILL ATTEND
MATINS
IN THE HISTORIC
NORMAN CHAPEL
IN THE ORNAMENTAL
GROUNDS.
IT WAS IN THIS CHAPEL
THAT HUBERT THE UNREADY
WAS BURIED WITH
HIS CHILD BRIDE,
GWENDOLINE.
AT 4:00, GUESTS WILL
BE SERVED TEA IN THE GARDEN,
DURING WHICH THEY WILL
BE ABLE TO OBSERVE
THE TRADITIONAL
HARVEST THANKSGIVING DANCE,
WHICH HAS BEEN PERFORMED
ON THIS SITE
FOR 200 YEARS."
WHAT'S ALL THA
ABOUT A CHURCH SERVICE?
NOBODY MENTIONED
ANY CHURCH SERVICE TO ME.
SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE
THAT BOOKED THE TOUR,
ONE MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED
YOU TO GLANCE
AT THE SMALL PRINT.
I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD WORRY.
THE LOCAL VICAR
WILL SORT IT ALL OUT.
OH, HE COULDN'
DO IT THIS WEEK.
HE'S DOING THREE
SERVICES ALREADY.
THERE'S ONE
AT GREAT TENDER
AND ANOTHER
AT LOWER TENDER.
WHAT ABOU
THE THIRD?
HE'S GOT TENDER BOTTOM
TO COPE WITH.
HE'S GOT HIS HANDS
FULL, HAS HE?
I DON'T THINK
A SIMPLE COUNTRY SERVICE
SHOULD GIVE US
TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
BUT WHAT ABOU
THE THANKSGIVING DANCE?
I EXPECT MISS MOULTERD KNOWS
WHERE THE DANCERS
ARE TO BE LOCATED.
THEY ALL DIED
YEARS AGO.
THERE'S ONLY ME
AND DAD LEFT.
LISTEN
THE LAST TIME WE
HAD AMERICANS HERE
THE HOTEL STAFF
MADE IT UP,
AND NO ONE WAS
ANY THE WISER.
WELL, IF WE WAN
THE SECOND HALF OF THIS,
WE BETTER COME UP
WITH SOMETHING.
OH, YES. WE ALL
WANT MR. CONKLIN
TO BE SATISFIED.
WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME!
IT'S EVER SO OLD,
ISN'T IT?
OH! THE ORGAN'S
OVER HERE, HAH!
I'LL GIVE IT A TRY
IF SOMEONE'LL PUMP.
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
COULD YOU OBLIGE?
OH! HO HO HO.
THIS TAKES ME BACK
TO WHEN I WAS A LAND GIRL.
THE VILLAGE SMITHY HAD
AN OLD FASHIONED BELLOWS.
WE GIRLS USED
TO TAKE IT IN TURNS
TO GIVE HIM A BLOW
TO KEEP HIS FURNACE WARM.
IT WAS WAR WORK
IN ITS OWN WAY.
( WEAK NOTE PLAYS )
I THINK WE GO
TEETHING TROUBLES.
( PLAYING WEAK NOTES )
SOUNDS A LITTLE
MORE FUNDAMENTAL.
GIVE IT TIME.
IT'LL WORK
ITS WAY THROUGH.
IT'S COMING.
( PLAYING HAPPY DAYS
ARE HERE AGAIN )
I'M SORRY.
IT JUST CAME OVER ME.
THIS MUST BE THE ONE.
"GWENDOLINE, AGED 21"
AND "HUBERT THE UNREADY,
AGED 92."
IF HE WASN'T READY
BY THAT TIME
HE NEVER WOULD BE.
THIS A LOVELY
LITTLE CHURCH.
YOU COULD HAVE
A SMASHING WEDDING
IN HERE.
DO YOU MEAN ME
PERSONALLY,
OR PEOPLE IN GENERAL?
WELL, THAT MAVIS,
SHE HAS GO
HER EYE ON YOU.
SHE GAVE ME
A VERY FUNNY LOOK
IN BED LAST NIGHT.
OOH.
DOES ANYTHING,
YOU KNOW, UH
GO ON?
UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
COME ON,
YOU CAN TELL ME.
YOU KNOW
TCH! MISS BRAHMS!
WOULD YOU LIKE
THE ANSWER
AS A GENTLEMAN
OR AS A CAD?
AS A GENTLEMAN,
OF COURSE.
WELL, AS A GENTLEMAN
NOTHING.
AS A CAD,
DITTO.
TCH.
DOESN'T SHE MAKE
ANY, UH
DEMANDS ON YOU?
SHE IS A BIT SELFISH
WITH THE HOT WATER BOTTLE.
TCH. DON'T YOU, UH
MAKE ANY DEMANDS
ON HER?
DEFINITELY NOT.
WE'RE PALS.
TCH!
OHH
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
MR. HUMPHRIES
THERE'S THOUSANDS
OF WOMEN LOOKING
FOR A MAN LIKE YOU.
MISS BRAHMS,
DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T TELL 'EM
WHERE I LIVE.
THE GOOD BOOK'S OPEN
AT A RATHER APPROPRIATE PLACE.
"IT IS MORE BLESSED TO GIVE
THAN TO RECEIVE."
AN EARFUL OF THA
MIGHT ENCOURAGE THE TIPS.
I COULD PLAY
PENNIES FROM HEAVEN
QUIETLY IN
THE BACKGROUND.
YOU'LL HAVE TO GE
SOMEBODY ELSE TO PUMP.
I'VE DONE ME BACK IN.
MIND YOU
I DID THE SAME
AT THE BLACKSMITH'S.
WELL
WE GOT THE ORGAN,
THE HYMN BOOKS,
THE PEWS
AND WE'RE STEEPED
IN OLD COUNTRY ATMOSPHERE.
ALL WE'RE SHORT OF
IS AN OLD COUNTRY VICAR.
( ORGAN PLAYING )
HELLO.
( FLATULENT SOUNDS )
( ORGAN MUSIC ENDS )
( GASPING )
( BEGINS
OFT IN DANGER, OFT IN WOE )
OFT IN DANGER ♪
OFT IN WOE ♪
ONWARD, CHRISTIANS ♪
ONWARD GO ♪
BEAR THE TOIL ♪
MAINTAIN THE STRIFE ♪
STRENGTHENED WITH
THE BREAD OF LIFE ♪
HOW DO?
ONWARD, CHRISTIANS,
ONWARD GO ♪
HOW DO?
JOIN THE WAR ♪
THERE'S A LO
OF FOOD LEFT OVER.
DIDN'T THEY LIKE IT?
HALF OF THEM CAN'T CHEW.
THE YORKSHIRE PUDDING
IS PRACTICALLY INTACT.
PUT IT IN THE BUCKET.
THE APPLE CRUMBLE
WENT WELL.
AT LEAST THEY CAN SUCK
THE APPLE OUT OF IT.
ANY TIPS?
NOTHING!
ANYTHING FOR ME?
OH, YES, DAD.
HERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU.
HE'S PAID QUITE WELL.
SURELY HE DOESN'T HAVE
TO LIVE ON SCRAPS?
HE FEEDS THEM
TO THE ANIMALS.
HOW DID THEY
LIKE MY SERMON?
IT WENT DOWN
VERY WELL.
THEY WERE FAST ASLEEP
IN THREE MINUTES.
MIND YOU, MR. CONKLIN
STIRRED A LITTLE
WHEN YOU MENTIONED
SODOM AND GOMORRAH.
WELL, LIKE YOU TOLD ME,
I DONE THAT BI
ABOUT IT BEING BETTER
TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE.
WHAT PROFITETH A MAN
THAT HE LIVETH
IN A HOUSE OF GOLD,
IF HE CRYETH AT NIGH
ON HIS PILLOW OF SILK
'CAUSE HIS BED BE EMPTY
AND HE HAVETH NO FRIEND?
WHYETH NOT?
'CAUSE HE DON'T COME
ACROSS WITH THE TIPS!
VERY SUBTLY PUT.
WHERE'S THE MONEY
YOU GO
WHEN YOU PASSED ROUND
FOR THE COLLECTION?
CHURCH DON'T WORK
FOR NOTHING, YOU KNOW?
YOU ASK THE POPE.
WE ALL THINK YOU OUGH
TO CHUCK IT IN THE KITTY.
YES. A SHARE OF THA
SHOULD BE OURS.
YOU WILL ALL FEEL BETTER
GIVING THAN RECEIVING.
HE'S ALWAYS
BEEN CAREFUL
ABOUT HIS MONEY.
SO WE'VE NOTICED.
QUITE A FEW LADIES
IN THE VILLAGE
WOULD LIKE
TO GET THEIR HANDS
ON WHAT HE'S GO
TUCKED AWAY.
TAKES ALL SORTS
TO MAKE A WORLD.
HE LIKES YOU,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE'S GO
AN OLD STUFFED PIKE
IN A GLASS CASE
WHAT HE CAUGH
IN THE GRAVEL PI
THE DAY HE MET YOU.
SAYS HE THINKS OF YOU
EVERY TIME
HE LOOKS AT IT.
THERE'S A ROMANTIC THOUGHT,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
HE'S THINKING
OF HAVING IT RESTUFFED.
HE NEEDN'T BOTHER
ON MY ACCOUNT.
QUICK! QUICK!
IT'S AN EMERGENCY!
IT'S MR. EMBURG.
LAST I SAW HIM,
HE'D FALLEN ASLEEP
IN HIS APPLE CRUMBLE.
WELL, HE WOKE UP.
HIS TOP SET'S MISSING.
MRS. EMBURG RECKONS
THEY'RE STUCK IN ONE
OF THEM BREAD ROLLS.
GOOD HEAVENS!
THE SCRAPS!
DAD TOOK THEM
FOR THE GOAT.
IT EATS ANYTHING!
QUICK! WE GOT SAVE
THE EMBURG TEETH!
MR. MOULTERD,
WHERE ARE THE SCRAPS?
I'VE JUST EMPTIED THEM
IN THE TROUGH
FOR THE BILLY GOAT.
MR. MOULTERD,
MR. EMBURG'S LOS
HIS UPPER SET.
HE THINKS THEY'RE STILL
BITING A BREAD ROLL.
IF YOU COULD PERSUADE
THE GOAT TO TAKE
A SHORT BREAK,
WE'LL SEE IF
WE CAN RECOVER THEM.
HEY, GET BACK!
GET BACK!
NOT WHEN HE'S EATING!
COULDN'T YOU
PULL HIM OFF
WITH HIS CHAIN?
NOT WHEN HE'S EATING!
HE'S A DEVIL
WHEN HE'S EATING.
HE'LL HAVE ME WITH
THEM HORNS OF HIS.
IF HE'S SWALLOWED THEM,
WE'RE NOT LIKELY TO SEE THEM
UNTIL THEY'VE LEF
FOR GATWICK.
HE'S OFFERED 10%
OF THEIR VALUE
AS A REWARD.
OLD TEETH
AIN'T WORTH MUCH.
THESE WERE MADE
BY A TOP NEW YORK
DENTIST.
THEY COS
OVER $10,000.
WELL, I'LL GO
AND GET ME GUN,
AND YOU LO
HOLD HIM BY HIS CHAIN.
YOU CAN'T SHOO
THE GOA
JUST BECAUSE OF
MR. EMBURG'S DENTURES.
ALL OF YOU
GO OVER THERE
AND ATTRAC
HIS ATTENTION.
I'LL NIP IN,
GRAB THE TROUGH,
AND RUN AWAY.
IT'S THAT MILITARY
TRAINING AGAIN.
HOW WOULD IT BE
IF WE ALL MADE A NOISE
LIKE A NANNY GOAT?
OH, YES.
HOW DO THEY GO,
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YOU WERE
A LAND GIRL.
( BLEATING )
THAT'S VERY GOOD.
HIS EARS HAVE TWITCHED.
I'LL GO
AND GET ME GUN.
NO, MR. MOULTERD!
IN NO CIRCUMSTANCES
WILL YOU GET THE GUN.
( ALL BLEATING )
THAT'S GOOD.
KEEP IT UP.
GO AWAY!
GO AWAY!
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!
GET THE GUN!
( CHATTERING )
SHH! SHH! SHH!
THEY'RE ALL ASLEEP
IN THE LOUNGE.
MR. EMBURG'S GO
HIS TEETH BACK IN,
AND HE'S SMILING
WITH THEM.
ANY ILL EFFECTS?
WELL, HIS BREATH
SMELLS FAINTLY OF MILTON.
HE SAYS THEY DON'
FIT SO WELL.
I'M NOT SURPRISED.
THAT GOAT USED THEM
ON HIS FIRST COURSE.
DID HE SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE REWARD MONEY?
HE SEEMS TO HAVE HAD
A MEMORY BYPASS
ON THAT SUBJECT.
OH, COME ON,
YOU LOTS.
IT'S NO GOOD
YOU MESSING AROUND HERE.
WE'VE THAT DANCE
TO THINK ABOUT.
WE'VE GOT TO GET THE TABLE
AND CHAIRS OUT ON THE LAWN.
AND WE'VE GO
TO SET THE TEA.
I WAS ABOU
TO SUGGEST THAT.
OOH!
ARE YOU NOT RATHER
EXCEEDING YOUR AUTHORITY
AS A BELL BOY,
MR. RUMBOLD?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
THE FACT THAT I AM
WEARING THIS UNIFORM
HAS NO EFFEC
ON MY AUTHORITY!
IT'S DIFFICUL
TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
WEARING THAT SILLY HAT.
MR. HUMPHRIES:
LET'S PUT THIS ONE
UNDER THAT TREE.
MAVIS:
THAT'S NO GOOD,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
IT'S FULL OF PIGEONS,
AND THESE TEACLOTHES ARE
JUST BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY.
OH, CAREFUL NOW.
YOU KNOW, MY LEGS
HAVE GONE ALL WOBBLY.
I'M NOT USED TO ALL
THIS LEAPING ABOUT.
ARE YOU SURE YOU
REMEMBER ALL THE STEPS?
OH, YES.
I REMEMBER THEM.
I'M JUST NOT SURE
WHEN TO DO THEM.
WELL, I'LL BE DOING
THE CALLS
IN BETWEEN PLAYING
MY TRUMPET.
DO YOU PLAY
THE TRUMPET?
I PLAYED I
SINCE I WAS 12.
I'M FULL OF SURPRISES,
AREN'T I?
ONE AFTER ANOTHER.
- I'M ALSO
THE CHAMPION KISSER.
- ARE YOU?
AT THE VILLAGE FAIR,
I RUN THE KISSING BOOTH.
I SELL THEM
FOR A SHILLING.
I HAVE MY OWN SIGN:
"MAVIS IS WILLING
FOR A SHILLING."
I LOOK FORWARD TO YOU
PLAYING THE TRUMPET.
IT'S VERY GOOD
OF YOU TO MUCK IN,
SO TO SPEAK,
AND HELP US.
I DO ADMIRE THE WAY
YOU'VE TAKEN CHARGE
OF EVERYTHING.
WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
AN OLD STICK
IN THE MUD.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
CAN BE MOST MISLEADING.
YOU'VE NO IDEA,
THE NUMBER
OF FLUTTERING HEARTS
YOU'VE CAUSED
AMONG THE FEMALE
MEMBERS OF THE TOUR.
REALLY?
THEY SAY YOU REMIND
THEM OF A FILM STAR.
OH, YOU DON'T SAY.
WHO WAS IT NOW?
OH, I REMEMBER.
RONALD COLMAN.
OH, WHAT NONSENSE!
I NEVER SAW HIM.
OH, YOU MUST HAVE.
PRISONER OF ZENDA
LOST HORIZON,
RANDOM HARVEST
TALE OF TWO CITIES
"IT IS A FAR,
FAR BETTER THING I DO
THAN I HAVE EVER DONE."
OH, WAS THAT HIM?
GRANNY WAS MAD
ABOUT HIM.
THE COWS BEEN LYING DOWN
ALL AFTERNOON.
WELL, SO HAVE
THE GUESTS.
THE SWALLOWS
IS FLYING LOW, TOO.
NOT OVER
THE TABLES,
I TRUST?
I DON'T FANCY
THE LOOK OF THAT SKY.
"WHEN THE CLOUDS
IS ALL STREAKY,
IT'LL RAIN
FOR A WEEK-Y."
I'VE NEVER THOUGHT MUCH
OF THESE OLD COUNTRY SAYINGS.
PURE SUPERSTITION.
( THUNDERCLAP )
( COUGHING )
( APPLAUSE )
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
OWING TO THE INCLEMENCY
OF THE WEATHER AND THAT,
WE CAN'T DO THE HARVES
DANCE OUTDOORS.
BUT SO YOU WON'
BE DISAPPOINTED,
WE'RE GONNA
DO IT HERE!
( OOHING, APPLAUSE )
ARE YOU READY, DAD?
( ACCORDION SQUAWKS )
THIS DANCE GOES
BACK 200 YEARS
AND IS SAID
TO ENCOURAGE FERTILITY
AND A FINE HARVEST.
( JINGLING TAMBOURINE )
( FESTIVE SONG PLAYING )
WE STAMP OUR FEE
ON THE GROUND ♪
'CAUSE IT'S FROSTY ♪
IT'S SPRING,
WE SOW THE SEEDS ♪
GO!
WE TRAMP THE SEEDS,
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, GO! ♪
NAUGHTY BLACKBIRDS
ARE EATING THE SEEDS,
WE SHOO THEM AWAY ♪
ALL:
SHOO! SHOO!
NOW THE LITTLE PLANTS ♪
ARE SHOOTING UP,
HOW PLEASED WE ALL ARE! ♪
IT'S TIME TO LIF
THE POTATOES ♪
WE GET OUR SPADES ♪
AND ♪
DIG! ♪
WE MUST AWAY
WITH OUR SPADES ♪
AND MILK THE COWS ♪
GO!
YOU'RE NOT MILKING
A GIRAFFE!
IT'S HARVEST TIME ♪
WE ALL GO REAPING ♪
WAIT FOR IT! ♪
- SIT DOWN, MR. CONKLIN.
- GO! ♪
BY NOW
THE ORCHARDS ARE FULL ♪
WE PULL THE APPLES
OFF THE TREES ♪
GO! ♪
WE TREAD THE APPLES ♪
ONE TWO THREE FOUR ♪
READY
AND, GO! ♪
ALL CHANGE! ♪
WE DRINK THE CIDER ♪
AND WE CELEBRATE ♪
( TRUMPET BLARING )
OHH
OH, CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )