Arrested Development s01e06 Episode Script

Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.
It's Arrested Development.
Michael Bluth was visiting his father in prison anxious to get to the bottom of some mysterious bookkeeping.
It just doesn't make any sense, Dad.
Where did this money come from? Why did it end up in the international accounts file? George Sr.
was also anxious, but less about the bookkeeping.
This game is never gonna happen.
Half of these guys are still in their cuffs.
I hate to be a buzzkill, but I'm trying to get you out of here.
Well, I'm trying to get us out of last place, Michael.
We're playing Rahway next week.
Word has it that they're getting Jose Canseco.
I'm starting to wonder why I even bother coming.
- Bluth! Right field! - That is ridiculous.
- You won't even talk to me! - I'm catcher, or I'm nothing! Michael returned to work where his assistant, Kitty, greeted him with some startling news.
Your wife's on line one.
Michael's wife had been dead for two years.
- My what? - Kitty realized her mistake.
- I said, your wife is on line one.
But not immediately.
Oh! Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
George's wife.
Your mother.
I'm so used to being George's assistant.
Kitty had been George Sr.
's fiercely loyal assistant for years.
And Michael suspected that she had the information he needed.
Hey, Kitty, listen, you wouldn't know if we had any documentation on these international accounts, would you? That's actually not any of your business.
My business.
That's not any of my business.
Hey, Mom.
Are you aware we've been downgraded to being just pool members at the club now? Yeah, it's a real shame what's going on with this family.
You're stuck by the pool, and Dad's getting picked last for softball.
Nonetheless, you can free up a little company money to get back our golf privileges.
No, I can't.
Mom, you don't even play golf.
No, but I use the clubhouse dining room until I was turned away today.
It's embarrassing Take it back! If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear! You should see the looks I'm getting.
If you can't free up the cash, have your father call the club president.
I've got news for you, Mom I'm not visiting Dad in jail anymore.
No, I've had it.
I'm down there every single day trying to do what I can to get this company back on track and he barely even acknowledges me.
That is disgusting! Talk to your father.
I will not stand for this! Gob! Can I, uh get you to stop doing that? I'm just setting up an office.
Gotta write a strongly worded letter to one Warden James Buck.
In order to restore his career as an escape artist Gob had recently checked into prison as a publicity stunt.
- You really think you can break out of my prison? - You won't even know I was here.
But after a shiv to his side Gob was rushed to a local hospital - thus fulfilling, in Gob's mind, his contract with the public.
-? Ta-dah? And yet the warden had refused to acknowledge the legitimacy of the escape.
So I am going after this guy with everything I've got art.
Now we are writing a letter.
Gob? I wish I would've known you were coming.
I am a mess.
Don't know if a call from me would've changed that.
Do you like my outfit? Not as much as I like what's underneath it.
Gob! No, I need your chair.
Get up.
I've got a letter to write.
Whoo! You're all business.
just like your dad.
My God, she's repulsive.
Michael realized that Kitty's obvious attraction to Gob could perhaps be of use to him.
How would you like a touch lamp? You're the one who needs therapy! Meanwhile, Lindsay and Tobias prepared for their first session with a therapist.
Yes, Tobias, I want the marriage to work.
I just don't know if therapy is the answer.
Because you didn't respect my old career, and you certainly don't respect my new one! You don't have a new one! Things had been tense since Tobias left his psychiatry practice to pursue an acting career.
- I have needs, you know.
- And how I am not addressing your needs? - How can you even ask that? What is this? - Oh! Go right to that! Good.
Go right there.
Real mature.
Really great.
Okay, kids, Mommy and Daddy are going out for ice cream.
- Can we come? - Sorry.
It's not for kids.
- Now we have to follow them.
- Yeah.
What? Okay, so, why are we doing this? 'Cause it's obvious they're lying.
Come on, drive! - Well, what if they see us? - How are they gonna see us? It says "Bluth Company" right on the side.
Plus, it's a stairway.
That's gonna catch the eye.
The airport stairway vehicle was the last vestige of the Bluths'former wealth.
Also, that House of Pies that went out ofbusiness.
You are scared.
I knew it.
No, I'm not scared.
It's just that I have plans later.
l-I'm visiting Pop-Pop.
You visit Pop-Pop? In fact, he'd been terrified of the very notion of prison since, as a young boy, he accidentally watched HBO's Oz mistaking it for the classic Judy Garland musical.
- I'm an innocent man! - Eat it, bitch! - Lots of times.
- What's it like? You know what you should do? You should go get your mom's date book.
Oh, yeah.
She must have written down where they're going.
- I still wanna hear about prison, okay? - If you can handle it.
Michael arrived home in a good mood.
With Gob getting the information from Kitty he would no longer have to visit prison and deal with his father.
Hey, buddy! Came home early.
Wanna do somethin'? Anything.
Anything at all.
I wanna visit Pop-Pop in prison.
Back at the office, Gob was making progress with Michael's assistant.
Here's where we keep all of our heavyweight paper.
Bet you can show me where a lot of things are.
What kind of things are you looking for? What, uh What are you hiding? Nothing you can't find.
Wait a second.
Wait, wait, wait.
Take off your glasses.
Oh.
Wait, wait.
Let down your hair.
No.
Glasses on.
Hair back up.
Let's just get that hair right back up.
- Do you want me to turn all the lights off? - Yes, yes, please.
How's that? Is that better? There's still light coming in from under the door.
And Lindsay and Tobias were, for the first time addressing their marital problems.
It's like we're face to face now like we're really seeing this marriage and I'm afraid it's a lie.
Bravo.
If I gave a performance that good, I'd have my own Alias type show.
Stop it.
I am so sick of hearing about acting, acting, acting! Okay, okay, look, maybe we need a new approach.
Um let's try some role playing.
Yes! All right.
Michael headed back to the prison despite his earlier vow never to return.
You always say family first.
I should see my grandpa, right? I'm not stopping you.
It's just, after this I'm not going back there.
Why? Is it scary? Scary? No.
No.
It's the opposite of scary.
It's like a carnival.
Without the half-person on the skateboard that grabbed your knee to steady himself.
It's like a country club.
All the guy does is eat ice cream and play softball all day.
In fact, George Sr.
's softball game had taken most of the day.
It was the 14th inning, and tensions were running a little high.
I'll give you a thousand bucks, you call the next one a strike.
My knees are killing me.
No batter! No batter here! - Strike three! - Strike three, my ass! Ohh! Down in the yard! No batter.
No No batter.
No Shh.
Okay, there he is.
Go on in there and surprise him.
I'm gonna go get us a few ice cream sandwiches.
Go on.
Go on.
Hey, Pop-Pop.
- How's prison? - I'm gonna die in here.
What? They're gonna kill Grandpa.
I gotta I gotta get outta here.
I'm an innocent man.
You gotta help Pop-Pop get outta here.
Give me your hair.
- My hair? - Give Pop-Pop your hair! - No touching! No touching! No touching! - Give me the hair! One of these got smooshed, but don't let that ruin prison for you.
No batter.
No batter.
No batter.
Come on, baby! Throw the ball! I'm sure your grandfather was just kidding around.
You know his sense of humor.
I know, I know.
Yeah.
I don't I don't totally get the hair joke, but I'm fine, Dad.
Are you sure? I am gonna head back in, though.
I'm gonna see if Pop-Pop's got any more zingers.
Just stay out here and relax, pal.
Watch the softball game.
I'll be right back.
Hey, stop! Stop! Dad? just don't like prison anymore.
That's why I'm trying to get you out of here.
Maybe I've been in denial, but this place is breaking me, Mikey and I'm alone here, but for you.
Come on.
You got me, you got Mom.
Your mother's never shown her face.
Whoa.
She's never been here? You should've heard the grief she gave me when I said I'd never show up again.
You said You said what? Dad, you don't need me.
You're playing softball all the time.
I do need you, Michael! - No more softball.
- This is nuts.
You're her husband.
The least she could do is come out and visit you.
God, you know your mom.
This isn't her crowd.
She's very easily threatened.
You remember the carjacker? - Aaah! - Well, she's certainly toughened up since then.
She's eating lunch by the pool now.
There's a big difference between the country club pool and the conjugal trailer.
That's not what I meant when I said "visit.
" It's too bad.
I really miss that personal contact.
It was the one thing that calmed me when I got stressed.
It just felt humanizing.
Michael, for the first time saw his father as a vulnerable human being.
Daddy horny, Michael.
I just haven't had sex in a month.
You've been here two months.
It's hard to gauge time.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Hey, Mom.
I went to visit Dad today.
Quick question.
How long does it take you to get out there? Oh, I've never been.
Then why does he tell me that you've never been? Ooh.
Sorry, Michael.
Pool food.
My system's not used to curly fries.
How can you ignore that man? He's having a hard time in there.
He's lonely.
That's what his children are for.
Yeah, well, you know there are certain things that he can't get from his children.
If you're going to say "pride," you're wrong.
He is proud of his children.
Wasn't gonna say pride, Mom.
Uh, listen, l-l-I think that, um I think that you should Oh, I can't believe I'm gonna say this.
I think that you should visit him in an intimate marital trailer.
Are you mad? You think I'm comfortable asking you to do this? He needs you, Mom.
Did he say that? Did he say that he misses me? Does he need his wife's embrace? Daddy horny, Michael.
He said some wonderful things.
You really want this for him, don't you? I do.
"Golf membership" want it? Meanwhile, Lindsay and Tobias were getting to the heart of each other's vulnerabilities with a role-reversal exercise.
- Because I'm a woman! - Good.
- With a woman's needs.
- Louder.
And a woman's urges! And these, Tobias.
When was the last time you looked at these? Yeah, okay.
How long is this session? See, she's breaking in and out of character and making it difficult 'Cause I don't wanna be in a character.
Okay, let me stop you guys.
All right? Please.
Let me get in here.
Thank you.
God.
- You've never been a real wife to me, Lindsay.
- That's not true! A man is looking back at you.
A man with dreams and aspirations! Meanwhile, Maeby found an address in her mother's appointment book and was getting closer to learning what her parents were up to.
Right! If I'm no Schwimmer, you're noJennifer Aniston! Maybe I'm not even Lisa Kudrow.
l-I have dreams, Lindsay.
Dreams, Lindsay.
Well, then, Tobias follow those dreams.
Make those dreams happen.
Yes.
I will.
And scene! - Wow! - Okay.
- I'm sorry I stepped on your line.
- No, not at all.
- Did that answer some questions for you? - Yeah, I think it did.
Now there are two men I wanna leave.
Michael arrived home, happy to have a brother to share his burden with.
- Great news.
- Oh, good.
I could use it.
I just came from convincing Mom to have sex with Dad.
God! What is wrong with you? That is disgusting! - What's wrong with you? - Oh, I'm sorry.
But just the thought of Mom and Dad together I have a sense of propriety.
All right? Fine.
What's your great news? I Kitty.
Oh, Gob, I just wanted you to get the information.
Oh, I got the information.
You did, huh? About the international accounts? I see what you're getting at.
No, I didn't get any information.
That's great.
Good, good, good, Gob.
You just lost the touch lamp.
- What? No! - The deal's off.
I'm gonna use the touch lamp to set the mood in the conjugal trailer when Dad's nailing Mom! No! Don't Michael! You are filthy! The two cousins reunited each a little shaken by what they had pretended to be fearless about.
- You think they'll get divorced? - I don't care.
I'm not saying "I don't care" like kids who say they don't when they do 'cause I don't.
Right.
I know.
Who cares, right? - I mean, I care.
- How could you not? You know, our family's really messed up.
I know.
We're the only normal ones.
At least we got each other.
Right? George Michael? Sorry.
Sometimes I don't know if it's gonna be a long or short hug or a middle-medium hug.
It's hard to tell sometimes.
That was a good hug.
That's plenty for now.
Hug's gotta end sometime, obviously.
Soon, Michael was driving Lucille to prison and she seemed to be looking forward to it.
Where are we going after? - Hey, Dad.
- Michael! What are you doing here? You needed my help, and it was hard for you to ask, so I took it upon myself to bring her.
- That doesn't make you uncomfortable? - The drive was a little awkward.
Not every son would do this for his father.
Thank you for this.
Hello, George.
What the hell's your mother doing in here? - Who were you expecting? - Oh, I've done a bad thing.
I've done a terrible thing.
- There's someone else in that trailer, isn't there? - I've done a repulsive thing.
Wait Whoa.
It's Kitty? - Shh! - How long? - When did this start? - Oh, come on! This is the first time.
Every Friday for the last eight years.
- Daddy - Horny.
I got that.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is easy.
This is an easy one.
I'll go in there with Kitty, I'll do my thing and th-th-then I'll go and see your moth This is a hard one.
- She's your secretary.
- You're right.
Family first.
Take care of Kitty.
Michael.
I need you now.
"International accounts" need me? And so an agreement was made.
George Sr.
would reveal the truth and Michael would make sure Kitty didn't come out of the trailer.
Yeah? I need you to come to the prison.
- I'm at the prison.
- You're here? I'm delivering this strongly worded letter I wrote lit by nothing but natural light.
Well, how would you like that touch lamp and the office and what the hell full use of the secretary? Thank you for doing this.
It means a It means a lot.
I, uh Okay, I'll get down on the couch.
I'm not going to have sex with you, George.
I came to tell you how much I hate you for what you've done to this family.
- You're angry.
- You've ruined us.
I've ruined us? You got a lot of nerve, honey.
The millions you pissed away on clothing and jewelry and spa treatments Yes, to keep you interested in the only thing you ever appreciated my body.
Can I help it if you've got a fantastic body? And you're as powerful as a bear.
My husband the bear.
This bear needs some honey, wife.
Oh, God, I missed you! Gob, meanwhile, stalled to keep Kitty in the other trailer.
Glasses off.
Glasses on.
Hair up.
Glasses off.
Down, on.
Have we done up, off? - Oh, Gob, this is so wrong.
- And bright.
Wrong a-and bright.
This That's be brighter! God! Damn.
I'm just gonna wash up real quick.
Uh, I think I'm gonna go with with down and off.
Gob had to do the right thing.
But as he headed to his car, he ran into the warden who hadjust read his strongly worded letter.
Well, if it isn't "Sincerely Yours.
" And so Gob was detained against the window of the trailer his parents were becoming intimate in.
Oh, God, Mommy! What did you do? - Hey, buddy.
- Hey, where were you? I had to help out your grandfather and then I had to vow that I would never help your grandfather again.
Pretty much a normal day for me.
How are you doing? I'm fine, I guess.
It's just You think of prison as this place full of guilty people and it doesn't bother you that much.
But if Pop-Pop could be there, then anybody could be there.
And I don't wanna go to prison, Dad.
I don't think I could take it.
I know I act tough, but l Is this what you're worried about? 'Cause I got news he's, uh he's guilty.
He is? Oh, yeah.
Incredibly guilty.
On the next Arrested Development.
Tobias talks Lindsay into another session.
I've decided that I want to become an actor too.
And George Sr.
makes good on his promise to come clean on the international accounts.
There's a good chance that l that I may have committed some, um light treason.