Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
We return to The Quiz Show.
And for the final quickfire speedy round,
welcome your special host,
it's Pausey Pete!
Pausey Pete?
Okay, let's…
Begin.
What is the…
Hey, Pausey Pete,
do you actually have to pause this much?
Well, my name is Pausey Pete,
but you don't have to wait until…
- Until you finish the question?
- …I finish the question.
I'll jump in, but can you hurry up?
Okay, what is the capital city…
- Hurry up.
- …of the United…
Uh, uh, uh, Washington, D.C.
…Arab Emirates? The answer is,
of course, Abu Dhabi.
- How many dalmatians…
- Oh my God!
- …were there in One Hundred and…
101!
…Two Dalmatians?
- Oh, the fucking sequel!
That classic sequel; 102 was the answer.
Damn you, Pausey Pete!
- Okay.
- Damn you to hell!
What is the tallest mountain
in the world…
Mount Everest.
- …of Middle-earth?
- No!
Mount Doom's the answer there,
from the Lord of the Rings books.
- Okay, here's an
- Stop pausing so much!
…easy one.
A fireman drives what kind of vehicle…
- A fire truck.
- …to work?
- No!
- The answer is, of course, any vehicle
except for a fire truck.
Hurry up, please!
You are just two points shy
of a billion dollars.
There's ten seconds on the clock. Here we…
Say "go," you pausey shithead!
Go! An apple a day keeps the what away?
- Doctor!
- Yes, doctor!
Doctor Who is the fastest runner
in the world…
Usain Bolt!
…true or false?
Oh, the answer was false.
Doctor Who is not the faster runner
in the world.
- He's a fictional character.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You said,
"Who is the fastest runner in the world?"
No, no, I said, "Doctor Who is the fastest
runner in the world, true or false?"
No, no, no!
You said doctor, and then you paused,
and then you said, "Who is the fastest
runner in the world?"!
That is literally
the only time I didn't pause!
I hate you, Pausey Pete!
You hate me?
I hate me!
- Did you have fun, though?
- Had a great time.
- Fantastic.
- Thank you.
Great. Just wave to the camera there.
That's a really fun show.
- Watching TV ♪
- Again.
With my best friends
And we're watching TV ♪
Telegram.
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, my God!
It's a letter from the Buckingham Palace.
- The Queen's house?
- No duh, Sherlock. Ever read a book?
What is your fucking problem?
"Dear silly boys,
The Queen has asked me to inform you
that she will be joining you for dinner
at your abode this very evening.
Regards, Sir Tommy Nipple Tassels."
A dinner party!
Are you gonna cut away? What
One, two, one, two,
Aunty Donna.
Broden.
Zach.
Mark.
Aunty Donna.
Polish them spoons, boys.
If the Queen sees a dirty spoon,
she'll be out that door faster
than a startled colt at the Kentucky.
I hope the Queen likes our shiny spoons.
Less yap, more shine.
The sooner we're done,
the sooner you can have
a glass of kombucha.
Sorry. I'm just so nervous.
I don't even know what to cook
for the…
- Oh.
- Sorry!
No, that's okay.
No, no, no, that was all me.
- What's going on here?
- Nothing. We're just shining spoons!
Tell you what,
when I'm done with these spoons,
you'll be able to see yourself…
I didn't see you there.
Whoops again.
You two are such goofs.
I mean, I don't know what…
- Oh…
- Sorry.
No, no, no. That was me.
This is ridiculous.
Mark, Zach, Zach, behave your…
- Oh.
- What?
This is ridiculous!
I need a big glass of kombucha
to clear my head of…
- Oh.
Where is Zach?
We sent him to get a jukebox
15 minutes ago for the dinner party.
I know. He can be such a silly sausage.
Oh! So true. He can be a silly sausage.
- Yeah. Such a silly sausage.
- Silly, silly sausage.
- He's such a silly sausage sometimes.
- Sausage!
- No!
- Fuck, fuck, fuck no!
Zach! You're a fucking idiot!
- It was an accident.
- Hey, daddios.
I don't mind being called a silly dausage.
I mean, it's not even a real word.
No, he called you a silly sausage.
I will kill you!
- I'm sorry.
- I'm not a silly sausage!
No, Zach!
He's alright. He's alright.
I'm not a silly sausage.
As requested,
I present to you one jukebox.
Zach, that's not a jukebox. That's a man.
Oh okay, Richard Dawkins.
I'll just put a coin into this man then,
shall I?
There we go.
Hey baby, gonna drive around tonight
Gonna drive, drive, drive… ♪
What the Hoobastank are you doing?
That's a man in a chair.
That is literally impossible
because I gave a man 500 dollars
to find me a jukebox.
So if what you're saying is the case,
- why is there a jukebox here, hmm?
A well-a well-a well gonna drive
With a baby tonight ♪
Gonna drive
Right into a swimming pool… ♪
Right, now he's said
there's a baby in a car,
and now he's driven that into a pool.
God damn it! He just winked at me!
Zach! Where's our 500 dollars?
Cut the gas, daddio.
If this half cat ain't no jukebox,
- then explain this.
Gonna fish the baby out of the pool… ♪
Oh my sweet Jesus Christ.
Get the baby pool, get the baby… ♪
Oh, he's a jukebox. I get it.
Hey, gonna drive all around the town ♪
Gonna drive with my baby… ♪
Come on, Broden.
You need to stop being such a…
Cunt.
I'm not a cunt.
I'm just a healthy skeptic.
If you're such a good jukebox-getter,
why don't you get us a better jukebox.
Alright, I will.
What do you reckon of this jukebox, boyos?
Now that's what I call a jukebox.
Now this one was two grand,
but that's what you pay for authenticity.
Where's me bloody quarter?
- Do you need money?
- I need a quarter, yeah.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
There you go.
Hey baby, gonna dance all night ♪
Gonna dance… ♪
If I'm not careful,
I'll be burning holes in my soles.
Someone needs to switch to decaf.
I said,
somebody better switch to decaf.
What…
They haven't laughed in six episodes.
Call me BNN
'cause I've got some Broden News News.
I booked us a session
with a professional stylist.
Wow!
- Let's go try on clothes!
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Come on! Get in!
Fashion. Shopping. Fashion. And clothes.
Oh God, this is such a great idea.
There she is! Hey!
Gotta find a parking spot.
We're gonna look flash for the Queen.
Fashion. Shopping. Fashion. And clothes.
God, it is full. This car park is full.
Can't find a spot.
- It's coming.
- Let's go around.
Are these people going?
Uh, are they saying goodbye?
Are you… Well, if you stop, I can ask.
Let's do another loop.
Cut that out now, I reckon, yeah.
Broman, did you wanna take
one of the side streets, or…?
I get the sense
this is quite residential now.
I don't think you're gonna find anything.
- They really should just have…
- Oh my God!
I can jump out,
tell her we're gonna be
No, it's gonna be five minutes. It's fine.
It's gonna be five minutes.
These areas, like,
because I don't wanna spend…
Get out, Zach.
Get out. Get Out. Get out now. Get out.
We can't just fucking wait here!
- Go!
- Get out!
Sorry about this.
They shouldn't be too long.
That's okay. I understand.
Infrastructure here is a fucking joke.
Always has been.
You getting upset's
not gonna change it, mate.
I'm not fucking upset, fuck head!
You call me fucking this and fucking that
like I'm nothing, like I don't matter.
I forgive you. I forgive you.
- You forgive me?
- Yeah.
For what?
For yelling.
You yelled.
You yelled. You fucking…
You fucking yelled!
You fucking yelled!
Um, I'm sorry,
but I'm gonna have to close up shop.
Bro, I had a really good fashion montage.
I know we didn't get dressed or anything,
but I thought
it was a really good fashion montage.
- Okay?
- Thank you. Thanks.
It's time to get sexy
It's time to get fresh ♪
The Queen hath never deemed fit
to visit my family estate.
Sorry, I didn't catch your name.
I'm Lord Whoopee,
Master of Etiquette and Manners.
Did you not request my services
for this evening's engagement?
Yeah, but did you just break
into our house?
No.
The first lesson
and the truest test of any gentleman
is the simple act of sitting down.
Broden, I presume. Please, take a seat.
Is that a whoopee cushion?
What are you waiting for?
A handwritten invitation?
And you think yourself ready,
ready to entertain Her Royal Majesty
the Queen of England?
What are you doing?
You, the one they call Tim.
- Mark.
- Mark.
You think you will fare better
at the task of sitting down?
- Probably not. He put a whoopee cushion
- No.
- Show me then.
- Just sit down.
Um, alright.
- I know that wasn't you.
- Oh?
I have a tool, you see?
But they don't know that.
To them, you've just got a farty bottom.
- This is very silly. This is a very sill
- This is absurd.
- He's blowing it up again.
Do I dare two at once?
And so it shall be.
Now I will sit down!
- But I've forgotten where I
There it is.
Like Icarus,
I have flown too close to the sun.
Oh, hubris.
Oh, instruments of darkness.
You have shown me that it was not them.
But rather I who was
the farty farty bum bum all along.
- And he died.
From that day forth,
fart tools were renamed
in Lord Whoopie's honor.
They became known
as Lordie Cushions.
- Did I scare ya?
- Yes, you did.
So much so that you made me piss my pants.
Oh my God!
Ugh.
You did so good at scaring me, Broden,
that you made me piss my pants, see?
Okay.
You didn't seem very scared.
- Well, I was. I was terrified.
- Okay.
If I'm being honest,
I think you pissed your pants earlier
and now you're using me coming
and scaring you
as an excuse to say you pissed your pants.
Is that what happened?
- Yes.
- Okay.
Can you vacuum the house?
This place isn't fit for a queen.
And I ain't talking 'bout RuPaul.
Are you talking
about the actual Queen of England?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- I'll go get the vacuum then.
- Thank you. And wait, let's talk biscuits.
Why the fuck is the place covered
in biscuits?
Did we shoot a sketch I was not involved
in where biscuits covered the floor…
Hello there.
I wonder, have you ever asked yourself,
"Hmm, what goes on underneath my cupboard?
Is there a tiny man
that lives under there?"
Well, why don't we ask!?
Tiny little man ♪
Titchy tiny little man ♪
His best friend's made of buttons
And his bed's a slice of ham ♪
When you drop a rubber band ♪
Well, he begins to shine ♪
With the help of some toothpicks
He'll make a washing line ♪
His table's made of buttons
Held together with some gum ♪
And his pillow is an olive
That he puts inside his tum ♪
For bread he'll eat
Your breakfast crumbs ♪
That have fallen on the floor ♪
For jam he'll use a tiny jar of jam
He bought from the tiny store ♪
Because there is a tiny store
Where he can buy normal things ♪
That are small, but for some reason ♪
Sometimes he'll make things
From stuff you drop on the floor ♪
He works as a tiny broker ♪
Trading regular Wall Street stock ♪
But talking on a normal sized phone ♪
Can be rather cocked ♪
So he went to the tiny store
And bought a Bluetooth headset ♪
But then the market dropped ♪
Points are at one percent ♪
Now points are at one percent
Might not seem like much to you ♪
But because he is very small ♪
To him it's rather huge ♪
To him points are at one percent
Is a million percent ♪
So we tied a noose with a hair tie ♪
That was pink and fluorescent ♪
Tiny little man ♪
Very, very, very small tiny man ♪
Be careful what you drop
He might use it to kill himself ♪
He loves to chat to his best friend ♪
They sing and dance and play all day ♪
His best friend loves to… ♪
What the bloody hell is that?
No! No!
Don't let go!
Don't let go!
No! No! No!
No!
Are you happy now, Broden?
Shut up.
- The beans are getting cold.
- What's the time, Broden?
- 4:30.
- Dinner time.
- Guess she isn't coming.
- Humph!
- Well, hey now, boys.
Sure the Queen stood us up.
You're not gonna let that ruin the great
times we've had together, are you?
Humph!
Remember that time we won
all those award necklaces at 'Lympics?
I guess so.
What about those morning browns?
I guess that was kinda cool.
And what about that one time
it was night-time?
Night-time.
You're right, Broden.
Maybe the most royal-est thing of all
wasn't the Queen coming over to dinner
but the friendships we made.
Oh, now she's here.
Yeah!
What's up, you pieces of shit!
I'm ready to party!
Woo!
What's it like living
in the Buckingham Palace?
Oh! Spooky.
I can't believe it.
Two real-life Grenadier Guardsmen.
Yeah, we're the real deal, baby. You know?
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
And then the bad reviews come in.
- Were you stealing spoons?
- What…
What?
- Chill.
- Who wants gravy?
- You do!
- Okay!
- Yeah!
He didn't steal the spoon.
- So, just shut up about it.
- Okay. Jesus.
I'm the fucking Queen of England.
Oh, hell yeah! Jukebox!
- Yeah!
What do you think of this, Queen?
Yeah, it's fucking sick.
I've been watching The Crown.
That shit's lit.
Yeah, it's about you.
- What?
- You're the Queen.
- No, The Crown I've been watching.
- Yeah.
Dance! Dance! Dance!
Who the fuck are you?
What the fuck are you?
- Who the fuck are you?
What happened?
Somebody wanna do some molly or…?
Oh Jesus.
Oh, yeah!
- Unbelievable.
- Go, Queen.
Uh-oh. Knock, knock.
- Who am I?
- This guy!
It's disrespectful.
It's a bit disrespectful.
- Didn't ruin the party.
- You had a nice time. I'm a messy bitch.
Good evening.
I'm Sir Tommy Nipple Tassels.
- Come on.
- I don't wanna go.
I don't wanna go.
I'm gonna waste my time?
I was eating a bread.
I can be fun, too.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I'm a fun guy.
Tap out, baby!
Tap out!
Tap out!
Ah! That was fun!
Guys, I'm sorry, I have to be corny
for half a second.
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
You have thrown the best party.
Thank you.
- Cheers. No worries.
- You're the best.
- Thank you.
What?
They're laughing! They're laughing!
We bloody did it!
Yes!
We've bloody done it!
We've been Aunty Donna!
Wow.
Oh, yeah!
We thank you!
Aunty Donna.
Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun
We hope you're liking season one ♪
Tiny little man ♪
Tiny little man ♪
No!
No!
No!
Aunty Donna.
Aunty Donna's Big Ol' House of Fun ♪
We hope you're liking season one ♪
If not, get fucked and leave, you dog ♪
Just joking, please keep watching ♪
This ep had guests, they were funny ♪
Brendan, Tawny, Paul and Ify ♪
Pepto, Bang Bang, Mavis Jo ♪
- Thanks Brett, Mike, Corinne, Jargo ♪
- And Jason ♪
Thanks Brett ♪
Thanks Mike ♪
- Thanks Corinne, thanks Jargo ♪
- And Jason ♪
Thanks Brett ♪
Thanks Mike ♪
- Thanks Corinne, thanks Jargo ♪
- Aunty Donna ♪
Watch, watch, watch, watching ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Aunty ♪
- Watch, watch, watch ♪
- Donna ♪