Avenue 5 (2020) s01e06 Episode Script
Was It Your Ears?
1 Don't worry, Captain! You got this! I've got this.
- That's it.
- Oh, bugger me! Oh no! Get me a car to Buffalo.
You're going to the White House? Oh, yes! Time to do some corporate begging.
Oh! Oh, hey! Come on.
I was just doing my job.
Just did what we had to do.
I did what I had to do.
It's getting thicker! - This is your fault.
- It's Frank's fault! - He hit the big brown buttons.
- Frank! Ship him out! Frank! Frank! Calm, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck down! These people are humanity's finest, and they need The president will see you now.
Great.
He nearly got Frank space-lynched, so what are we gonna do about Judd? Two options.
One, murder.
And two, and I know I keep looping back to this murder.
You keep saying that word, Karen.
You keep saying it.
Okay, can you please just let me fix your door? No.
I'm going to do this myself.
I may be a fake and a fraud and a terrible lay and a credit risk and a tax-dodger and an emotional homunculus, but I am still a useful, functioning Actually, can you do this? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Baby! - What? A passenger has just gone into labor.
- There's gonna be a baby! - Whoa! Holy shit! We're having a baby? - Mr.
Judd's in there.
- Why? He's, quote, "executive producing" the birth.
- Here.
- Yeah, yeah, leave it with me.
- I'm fine.
Yeah.
- You all right? That's it, come on! Get it out of her! That's it.
Hey! Hey! Vacuum extraction! My idea! We're gonna suck a person - out of this person! - Yeah.
Let's go! God, the baby is going from a womb surrounded by bodily fluids to a ship surrounded by bodily solids.
Where did you come from, eyeballs? Originally? Pennsylvania.
Before the fires.
Whoa! - I'll cut the string.
- Cord.
Full Hakuna Matata! There we go.
Hey I'm gonna keep the placenta.
Fair's fair.
Have this snap frozen.
Landmark human tissue.
- You fucking killed it.
- What? - Oh - Like, I'm smiling.
You killed it, like It's a baby.
Yeah, it's really It's a good one.
People of Avenue 5, I bring you tidings of great joy.
At 1105 hours today, we welcomed - the first ever bab - The first baby born in space! - Oh, I'm so sorry, did you - It's fine.
- I just really wanted to say it.
- I'm so sorry.
You know, I sometimes have this terrible case of Karen Mouth and, you know What's the name? Oh, now she's interested in babies.
No name as yet.
Current alias, AKA Space Baby.
- A beautiful - Baby boy! - little baby b - Baby boy! I did it again! You know what it was? 'Cause you said "little," so and I just went straight to "baby boy," so I got there first, otherwise we would've Is that it? Or is it your Karen Mouth that you can't shut? What is that? Why is the ship beeping? You know and this has never happened before I don't actually know.
What does he look like? - Oh, he is adora - Adora What is your damage? - We need to sort this - Yeah, Captain, I'm on it.
Presumably, it's a warning of some kind.
Well, yes, you don't usually have a recurring beep to tell you everything's going just fine.
It's down here.
Some It's somewhere No, it's it's No, it's not up here.
Man, they really love that baby, huh? Yeah, babies are like New Zealanders.
Everyone loves them and the funny way they talk.
- Oh, there's Iris.
- See that? See that? She never looks at me like that.
She never gives me that look.
Funny.
- Are you hurting? - Hmm? Is that baby hurting you? Yeah? Face it.
They prefer that baby to me.
Baby gives them hope.
All I give them is shitty-yuck-yuck.
Not that it's a competition.
Judd versus Baby.
But if it were, I'd destroy that baby.
Physically, emotionally, endurance-wise.
I'd finish that baby before he could get past the first month.
It wouldn't even be a fair contest.
One shot to the soft spot, that baby's down for the count.
Yeah, it wouldn't have the upper body strength.
Captain? Captain.
Uh, the ship is beeping.
And I can tell you why.
I'm going to cover my mouth because this could cause mass distress.
It's an oxygen beep.
Uh, we've got a leak.
- Well I mean, that - Billie? Billie? I don't know what else it could be, and maybe he's right? - I I I just - We need oxygen! - I love oxygen! - Captain, your mouth.
- Cover your fucking mouth.
- Billie? Well, hopefully it's just one Hopefully, it's just - one leaking tank - Okay.
but if the recycling system's screwed, then so are we.
The running out of air, is it as bad as they say? - Or not as bad? - Yeah, it's bad.
I mean, like, first you get, like, a grittiness in your eyes, then your tongue is literally gonna boil in your mouth before you just pass out and you just never wake up again.
Don't forget the organ failure.
Oh, I almost forgot the organ failure.
I've just seen my perfect Space Baby.
Iris, you should prepare to enjoy your last moments of happiness, because we think we may have an oxygen leak.
- An oxygen leak? - Shh! Freak out into your hand and cover your mouth.
- Do we have enough to get home? - It depends.
Vigorous activity would drain this turkey in no time.
I'm talking exercise, singing, lovemaking, if you're doing it right.
Ugh.
Hey! Hi there.
Howdy.
You keep greeting people in triplicate, we'll be dead by Tuesday.
- Karen.
- Hey.
Why do you all look so jumpy? We have a leak.
We're running out of oxygen.
A leak?! What is this ship made of, tin foil? Hi, girl.
I don't actually think this is about that non-combat-ready baby.
I think it's about what your inner voice is telling you about yourself.
- What is it saying? - The one I'm using now? No, the voice inside your head.
Oh, no, my thoughts connect instantaneously with my mouth.
It's extremely efficient.
Clinically, it's probably very unique.
Iris! Okay, how about this? You need to change the way they see you.
You need to change the way they see the shit.
Wait Are Are you Are you talking about lasers? Specifically illuminating the ring of nasty shit around the ship with some goddamn lasers? Iris! - Miss Mulcair? - Hi.
The President thanks you for your visit, and I can confirm we will be funding the rescue.
Oh, knock me sideways! That is like diving into a bath of beans! Well, once you clear it with the Other President, you are good to go! I'm sorry? The Other President? I assumed the Other President was already across this.
We don't like to bother the Other President unless it's absolutely necessary.
- No? - So, if you could just slip on these electrostatic shoe covers - Right, okay, right.
- If we could just get a move on.
Okay.
Let's go and do this! Good morning and so forth.
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, Mr.
Judd - Great.
Shall we begin this meeting forthwith heretofore, please? All right, so, uh, welcome to this first passenger-crew liaison meeting.
Fucking hands! All you had to do was hold the cup! - Fumbling bitches - Is he British? - No, he's doing a voice.
- Oh, okay.
You know it's coming, then you forget it's coming, - and it just - Set a reminder, uh, pre-beep to remind me of the big beep.
- You got it, baby.
- Already on it, thank you, Matt.
All right, so, I think it would be fitting - to start with an apology.
- I accept.
From you to me, you big S-gibbon, because you tried to fire my husband out the ship! Mm-mm.
I never say sorry.
Like my hero, Gandhi.
All right.
Agenda, shall we? I have a question.
I would like a new cabin away from my broken prophylactic - of a husband.
- Will you All due respect, normo, we have bigger fish to fry.
Second that.
And we can't afford the air.
- Right.
- Wait, why not? What do you mean, you can't afford the air? - Iris, did you did you just laugh? - You're delirious.
All right, so, I have figured out a way to re-perceive the turd sleeve around this ship.
Three words: theatrical lighting rig.
And here's five: what, what, and why? Uh No, that's four.
Fuck, I'm so tired.
Jesus.
I'm sorry, are we running out of air? - Yeah.
- Like, actual air? Not, like, cooking air or, you know, like, air conditioning In nine months, so don't get pregnant, that'd be a complete waste of time.
Okay, I'm I'm calm.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Good.
All right.
- So, can we just focus - I thought I was calm, but I am not fucking calm.
I don't wanna die! I don't wanna run out of air! Thank you.
- Hey, Secretary of State.
- Hi, Judd Galaxy.
I like your nails.
- Thank you.
- You got any wax? - This string's dried out.
- What, crossbow wax? Ooh, let me have a look.
No, sorry.
Oh, it's me.
Okay.
Do I just? Miss Mulcair, please clearly and audibly state your business.
Right, hello.
Uh, I am here on behalf of Judd Galaxy.
We urgently need rescue funds.
Four point two three trillion dollars.
I believe written materials have been submitted directly into you? We will redirect funds from the National Child Welfare program.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
This This is everything! Thank you so much! I have been in such a dark place.
Can I No? No? Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Please, will you consider the removal of 500 non-essential passengers? Right.
I absolutely hear what you're saying.
It's just that that would raise one or two - ethical questions - Thank you! Your query has been forwarded to the Department of Ethics.
- But, uh - Goodbye.
Have a nice day.
No.
No, no, no, no.
All right, so I appreciate that some of us are sleep-victimized.
However, bearing in mind the scarcity of resources, can we try to keep lang' at an abs' min'? - Wh What are you saying? - I am trying to conserve oxygen by 'bridging my w'rds.
Well, it's highly, highly confusing.
You see, you did not need the second "highly," - one would've s'ff'c'd.
- Would - Sufficed.
- Ugh.
- Jesus frazzling Christ! - Oh, my God.
Can we skip the missing letters round? I've just reconsidered your earlier point, re: an apology.
S'ry.
- Iris, you laughed! - Fine! I'm s - What's the matter with you? - I I find it amusing.
I don't know why, it just beep! Why are you being such a baby, Iris? Hmm? You like babies so much you wanna be one? Question: are we really running out of air? - Supplemental: what the fuck? - Yes! To your first question.
I don't know how to answer your second question.
But Matty and I have come up with a series of oxygen conservation policies.
"Oxygen conservation policies.
" Well, that's a lungful right there.
Let's try to keep the energy positive around Mr.
Judd - while he pupates.
- While he what? While he pupates.
I've gone through a period of serious introspection since last night.
Okay, so first of Oh, also, you should know, I I tent now.
First up, no running.
Leads to panting.
- Don't do it.
- Oh, secondly, fat people shouldn't use stairs, and avoid any incline.
Direct! Merciless.
Yes.
Uh, fat people should not exert themselves.
- By fat people, do you mean - Anyone over two Two hundred and fifty-seven pounds.
- Mm-mm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, uh, yes, a 257-pound cutoff.
So what are we going to do? We're gonna weigh people as they go about their - Are you really asking questions about - You know what? Everyone please get outta here.
I I need a safe space to create.
Just me, Matty, and the person whose name I ignored.
- Who's that? - You.
Okay.
That guy is a complete moron.
The more he talks, - the more in danger we all are.
- Unless we 'M' him.
Okay, Karen, you gotta stop saying that.
That is clearly not an option Life coached by Matt? That's like being taught to drive by a hen.
We're running out of oxygen and he's "pupating.
" He could kill us all.
Well, you know, Iris, we could sedate him.
Yeah, no, that could work.
That could actually work.
Well, we could double the dose? He might have a stroke, then you'll only be physically wiping his ass.
Right.
Where are we gonna get sedatives and a dart gun? Well, Matt monitors the supply, and I bet he has full access to whatev' they got down there.
Sir, it's Rav for you.
We round Jupiter in three minutes and lose comms.
My cabin is closest, so stride with me.
Excuse me! Karen Kelly! Make a hole, or I will! Gah Now, honey, I have an update for you, and I don't want you to go all flappy on me.
Okay The ship is leaking oxygen.
From what I understand, it will be like drowning with dirt in your mouth and a tractor on your chest.
Okay.
That's fine.
Fuck.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's only oxygen.
All right.
So don't talk, because then you will last marginally longer.
Attaboy.
Okay, guys, I think we're on.
Yeah.
And we don't have long with her, and it could get a little bit glitchy.
Hello speaking Hello? Great.
Hi! I start speaking.
I'm gonna start speaking before get cut off.
I have some good news and some not so good news.
The good news is we have funding! Yay! Come on! - Wh What was that? What did she - She said they had funding.
- Shush! Yes, yes, shush! - The not so good news is the Other President suggested we explore losing 500 NEPs, but I rejected that, I said, "No, we are not killing 500 people, not today!" Other President sug we explore losing 500 NEPs Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
No, no, no! No! No, now Earth is the other side of Jupiter.
- What's NEPs? - Non-essential personnel, like - Mm Mm-mm.
- Okay.
That is not on the table.
We are not getting rid of 500 non-essential personnel.
My hands always get clammy whenever I shower in a strange room.
Fuck you, Doug! - How are you here? - Yeah, what the actual frig? Are you wearing Frank's clothes? - Two sugars? - Yeah.
I have just been ordered homeless by Herman Judd, so I no longer have access to a bathroom.
Oh, great.
You see this, Frank? He's using you as a toilet friend.
Are you guys seriously considering getting rid of 500 passengers? No, and you are not gonna say it out there.
All right? And you're particularly not gonna say it in front of Herman Judd.
- Oh, you monotonal fuck! - Fuck you, Doug! Good morning, everyone! We finally have a baby name.
Kayden! - Kayden? - That's an asshole name! Okay, it's just a word.
And you're an asshole, asshole.
- Oh, you.
- Doug.
You look different.
Fatter, maybe? No, it's probably just my spirit swelling now that I'm not with you.
- Hey, you're hiding something.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
I know that, Doug, that's your factory setting.
Actually, I I have been made privy to something.
Okay, so you know about - the oxygen.
- The passengers.
- Oxygen? - The shortage.
- There's a shortage of air? - Yes! - Holy fuck! Are you kid - Okay, okay - Oh, my God, are you serious? - Stop panicking.
This is when one panics! We are running out of air and they're shooting 500 passengers out of the airlock.
- What? - Yes! The airlock? Oh, my God! Oh, my fucking God! - That's horrible.
- This is panicking! - Why can you panic and I can't - I'm not panicking! - Yeah, neither was I! - Then stop and lower your voice! Fine.
Also, the captain is speaking in that British voice - Yeah, I heard that.
- All right, listen, fucker, if they start suggesting names of passengers, let's not suggest each other, all right? - That's actually a really good - Okay, fine.
- Good plan.
- All right.
Put your hard-on away.
This is purely self-preservation.
Yeah, I think the same thing.
- Great.
- All right, see you l - See you around.
- Okay.
See you never.
Come on.
- Fuck you! - No, fuck you, Doug! Do you wanna Okay, Matt, uh Uh, I I, um - I need you to hook me up.
- What do you need? Synthetic veal? Porno? Mint jelly? All of them, if you can.
- Jesus! - But first, I I, uh I actually want lots and lots and lots of sedatives.
Look, my area of expertise is pretty limited.
It's basically recreational barbiturates, Eastern sex practices, Christmas music.
But I do know suffering, and you're suffering.
So I just need a little bit more information to make sure I'm not causing more harm than I'm fixing.
- I was bullied at school.
- Was it your ears? What? No.
What do you mean? - What's wrong with my ears? - Nothing.
But that is what I would go in on, if I was bullying you.
I'd make you self-conscious about something that isn't even a thing because it makes you question your sanity.
Ain't that right, you jar-eared Dumbo fuck? - It's brutal.
- I Yeah Mm.
You're right, I hate my ears.
Yeah.
- Sedatives? - I mean, look at you.
You're like a gimp on a leash right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- You'd do anything for these drugs.
- Anything.
- And if I don't give 'em to you, you're probably gonna go below decks and get them from the guys down there.
But you're gonna have to sexually humiliate yourself.
You are so good.
You're right.
I was this close to going down there and showing someone my bottom.
Well, I I got the, um, the sleeping - Oh.
- Yeah.
Take two of these, it's like you've died and gone to the opera.
All right, so give me one because I'm so tired that my hair hurts me.
Oh, no.
These are for, um what's the who's the guy who runs Judd Industries? - Judd.
- Yes.
So, apparently, even, uh, Space Baby can't sleep.
Respectfully, fuck him.
No, seriously, 'cause he's he's in an incubator, those things are soundproofed to balls.
I'll take the sedatives, and I'll go Judd drug.
No, Karen, you will kill him.
There's a difference.
Okay, so you two give me the, um them things, and then I'll go What? I'll go to Who they for? - I'll take them.
I'll take - Oh, no, no, Billie, Billie, no - Yeah, but I'm gonna give them - Billie, give them to me.
- Okay - Oh, look, it's the king! - Where? - A-ha! In your face, you and and the other one.
Okay.
Michele's an engineer, you tell him exactly what you want.
- Get as technical as you like.
- Okay.
Michele, huh? I don't like boys with girls' names.
Okay, so We fire the glitter at the turds as we turn the lasers on? Or sequins.
Maybe sequin bombs that we make from degradable plastics, and then shoot them at the turds.
I'm thinking six every two minutes, to ensure a steady shimmer.
Then glitter, then confetti, then, maybe, fairy lights, if we all feel we've earned it.
Okay, read it back to me.
Let's make a sex tape! Get out of my line of sight.
Action.
Herman Judd here, with a brief word.
Indeed, all of our words must now be brief.
That is because we're running out of breathable air.
I had intended to ease into that one.
We will plug this leak.
But until we do, you must remain breathing steadily to minimize all oxygen usage.
And cut out all unnecessary conversation.
No sighing, no gasping, no unnecessary sneezing, no flouncing.
If you have to be passive aggressive, do it only with your eyes.
Relax.
Iris! No, no, no, wait.
This is recorded.
That's that's not the actual beep.
But do remain breathing calmly.
That's the actual beep.
That is now a legal requirement.
Thanks, gang.
Okay, I'm gonna tell a joke now.
The setup is that there are three men of three different nationalities.
I won't tell you which nationalities, 'cause otherwise you might find it amusing.
The punchline is that one of the men in the joke is considerably more parsimonious than the other two men in the joke.
Thus concludes the joke.
That was not funny.
Here it comes.
Iris! As I walk up, there's these cars falling out of the bed.
It was just What is the nature of this conversation? Uh, I'm just talking about my grandchildren.
Would you classify it as essential? News flash: it isn't.
Okay, now I'm gonna do some oxygen-efficient banter with the audience.
- Ma'am, where are you from? - Utah.
That's nice.
You are banal as shit.
I hear ya, honey.
Shoehorns are weird, aren't they? Thus concludes the shoehorns section.
Thank you.
I thought I'd set up I can't I can't.
I'm sorry.
I said, I thought I'd set up in a space where everyone feels welcome.
In God's office? Jesus, Vishnu, Allah, Karen Kelly.
I think I have a ways to go just yet.
- Sedatives.
- Oh Ryan! Get ready to have your butt and/or ball blown off.
Mr.
Judd is about to perform his first miracle.
We're gonna sparklify the Halo of Crud.
I have an update.
Space Baby has jaundice.
He's on a respirator.
Jaundice? Somebody's got a weak liver.
- Is he okay? - He's fine, just laying there with his oxygen mask.
Greedy little fuck.
Yeah! There's my girl.
Welcome back.
Missed you, girl.
Yeah, fuck Space Baby, stealing all our oxygen.
Who's stealing the oxygen? What's going on? We just heard the news.
Oh, shit.
They told you? About the 500 NEPs they're shooting into space? What? Doug, what are you doing? - You're such an idiot.
- I'm whispering so we're Shh, shh, shh Quiet! You chattering fucks! Can you hear me? - Yes.
- I can.
- What about now? - Yes.
It was the same.
What about now? - Too low.
- Too low.
Okay, I'll go up.
Bless you.
Oxygen Fuck! Shut up, Frank! Now that you have - Guys.
Please.
Guys.
- Oh, my God.
That's like a full tank.
You have to think before you speak.
And then, think again.
And then think, "I shouldn't speak.
" And then, don't speak.
Iris! - Fuck you, Doug! - Hey, you.
What are NEPs? They're non-essential personnel.
- What?! - I Iris, will you shut the fuck up? Is it true? You're just gonna kill 500 passengers? Why wasn't I notified? Was I notified? When was I notified? Who are you to determine who is essential? I can't go.
I'm the only radiologist in outer space.
Darrell, I'm standing right here! We've been colleagues for years! It's not an oxygen beep.
It's not an oxygen beep! I checked all the tanks, and the beeping is the ship telling us to recalibrate for the baby.
There's an extra passenger.
It needs to recalibrate.
There's no oxygen That would be the other reason.
- Oh, my - What, you you didn't - rule that out already, huh? - Shut up, Spike.
There is air.
There is enough air for maybe some of you to thank me.
I'm Billie.
We have air? - Yeah, we have air.
- So we can shout? If you want to, I guess, yes.
You guys were trying to kill us! Yeah, you had a list going! Guess what? Now we're gonna make a fucking list! - And you all - I don't even care about names, I just want blood.
And light 'em up! - Oh, my - Oh! Wow.
Oh, my God, it's beautiful! It is beautiful.
Until you really think about it.
Who knew shit could be so enchanting? Me.
I did.
I knew.
He's transformed the most disgusting thing imaginable into a kaleidoscope of butt truffles! Well, you gotta say, he knows his audience.
So he lives.
For tonight.
Okay, it's over.
The nightmare is over.
This this part of the nightmare is over.
Congratulations.
Why don't you give yourself a little pat on the back, or the ass? Give your ass a little squeeze, and then go make love to yourself in a sleazy motel.
You earned it.
You're really fucking weird, dude.
I don't wanna do these hangouts anymore.
They make me kinda sick.
- That's okay.
- No, it isn't.
Your ears are beautiful.
To me.
It's the most plausible he's looked in weeks.
I'm gonna miss talking to ya, sweetie.
I actually see a face there.
I see the pope's face, Pope John Paul II.
J.
P.
was one of the good ones, too.
Wasn't even a Nazi in his youth.
There's been talk about ejecting 500 people from the ship.
- It is the talk of Satan.
- Oh, cast him out! Amen! Who is Harrison? Oh, that's just somebody that I'm not scared of.
I suppose you are head of mission control.
And I guess what you know, they're saying, is that you're not in control of the mission.
Oh, Lord
- That's it.
- Oh, bugger me! Oh no! Get me a car to Buffalo.
You're going to the White House? Oh, yes! Time to do some corporate begging.
Oh! Oh, hey! Come on.
I was just doing my job.
Just did what we had to do.
I did what I had to do.
It's getting thicker! - This is your fault.
- It's Frank's fault! - He hit the big brown buttons.
- Frank! Ship him out! Frank! Frank! Calm, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck down! These people are humanity's finest, and they need The president will see you now.
Great.
He nearly got Frank space-lynched, so what are we gonna do about Judd? Two options.
One, murder.
And two, and I know I keep looping back to this murder.
You keep saying that word, Karen.
You keep saying it.
Okay, can you please just let me fix your door? No.
I'm going to do this myself.
I may be a fake and a fraud and a terrible lay and a credit risk and a tax-dodger and an emotional homunculus, but I am still a useful, functioning Actually, can you do this? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Baby! - What? A passenger has just gone into labor.
- There's gonna be a baby! - Whoa! Holy shit! We're having a baby? - Mr.
Judd's in there.
- Why? He's, quote, "executive producing" the birth.
- Here.
- Yeah, yeah, leave it with me.
- I'm fine.
Yeah.
- You all right? That's it, come on! Get it out of her! That's it.
Hey! Hey! Vacuum extraction! My idea! We're gonna suck a person - out of this person! - Yeah.
Let's go! God, the baby is going from a womb surrounded by bodily fluids to a ship surrounded by bodily solids.
Where did you come from, eyeballs? Originally? Pennsylvania.
Before the fires.
Whoa! - I'll cut the string.
- Cord.
Full Hakuna Matata! There we go.
Hey I'm gonna keep the placenta.
Fair's fair.
Have this snap frozen.
Landmark human tissue.
- You fucking killed it.
- What? - Oh - Like, I'm smiling.
You killed it, like It's a baby.
Yeah, it's really It's a good one.
People of Avenue 5, I bring you tidings of great joy.
At 1105 hours today, we welcomed - the first ever bab - The first baby born in space! - Oh, I'm so sorry, did you - It's fine.
- I just really wanted to say it.
- I'm so sorry.
You know, I sometimes have this terrible case of Karen Mouth and, you know What's the name? Oh, now she's interested in babies.
No name as yet.
Current alias, AKA Space Baby.
- A beautiful - Baby boy! - little baby b - Baby boy! I did it again! You know what it was? 'Cause you said "little," so and I just went straight to "baby boy," so I got there first, otherwise we would've Is that it? Or is it your Karen Mouth that you can't shut? What is that? Why is the ship beeping? You know and this has never happened before I don't actually know.
What does he look like? - Oh, he is adora - Adora What is your damage? - We need to sort this - Yeah, Captain, I'm on it.
Presumably, it's a warning of some kind.
Well, yes, you don't usually have a recurring beep to tell you everything's going just fine.
It's down here.
Some It's somewhere No, it's it's No, it's not up here.
Man, they really love that baby, huh? Yeah, babies are like New Zealanders.
Everyone loves them and the funny way they talk.
- Oh, there's Iris.
- See that? See that? She never looks at me like that.
She never gives me that look.
Funny.
- Are you hurting? - Hmm? Is that baby hurting you? Yeah? Face it.
They prefer that baby to me.
Baby gives them hope.
All I give them is shitty-yuck-yuck.
Not that it's a competition.
Judd versus Baby.
But if it were, I'd destroy that baby.
Physically, emotionally, endurance-wise.
I'd finish that baby before he could get past the first month.
It wouldn't even be a fair contest.
One shot to the soft spot, that baby's down for the count.
Yeah, it wouldn't have the upper body strength.
Captain? Captain.
Uh, the ship is beeping.
And I can tell you why.
I'm going to cover my mouth because this could cause mass distress.
It's an oxygen beep.
Uh, we've got a leak.
- Well I mean, that - Billie? Billie? I don't know what else it could be, and maybe he's right? - I I I just - We need oxygen! - I love oxygen! - Captain, your mouth.
- Cover your fucking mouth.
- Billie? Well, hopefully it's just one Hopefully, it's just - one leaking tank - Okay.
but if the recycling system's screwed, then so are we.
The running out of air, is it as bad as they say? - Or not as bad? - Yeah, it's bad.
I mean, like, first you get, like, a grittiness in your eyes, then your tongue is literally gonna boil in your mouth before you just pass out and you just never wake up again.
Don't forget the organ failure.
Oh, I almost forgot the organ failure.
I've just seen my perfect Space Baby.
Iris, you should prepare to enjoy your last moments of happiness, because we think we may have an oxygen leak.
- An oxygen leak? - Shh! Freak out into your hand and cover your mouth.
- Do we have enough to get home? - It depends.
Vigorous activity would drain this turkey in no time.
I'm talking exercise, singing, lovemaking, if you're doing it right.
Ugh.
Hey! Hi there.
Howdy.
You keep greeting people in triplicate, we'll be dead by Tuesday.
- Karen.
- Hey.
Why do you all look so jumpy? We have a leak.
We're running out of oxygen.
A leak?! What is this ship made of, tin foil? Hi, girl.
I don't actually think this is about that non-combat-ready baby.
I think it's about what your inner voice is telling you about yourself.
- What is it saying? - The one I'm using now? No, the voice inside your head.
Oh, no, my thoughts connect instantaneously with my mouth.
It's extremely efficient.
Clinically, it's probably very unique.
Iris! Okay, how about this? You need to change the way they see you.
You need to change the way they see the shit.
Wait Are Are you Are you talking about lasers? Specifically illuminating the ring of nasty shit around the ship with some goddamn lasers? Iris! - Miss Mulcair? - Hi.
The President thanks you for your visit, and I can confirm we will be funding the rescue.
Oh, knock me sideways! That is like diving into a bath of beans! Well, once you clear it with the Other President, you are good to go! I'm sorry? The Other President? I assumed the Other President was already across this.
We don't like to bother the Other President unless it's absolutely necessary.
- No? - So, if you could just slip on these electrostatic shoe covers - Right, okay, right.
- If we could just get a move on.
Okay.
Let's go and do this! Good morning and so forth.
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, Mr.
Judd - Great.
Shall we begin this meeting forthwith heretofore, please? All right, so, uh, welcome to this first passenger-crew liaison meeting.
Fucking hands! All you had to do was hold the cup! - Fumbling bitches - Is he British? - No, he's doing a voice.
- Oh, okay.
You know it's coming, then you forget it's coming, - and it just - Set a reminder, uh, pre-beep to remind me of the big beep.
- You got it, baby.
- Already on it, thank you, Matt.
All right, so, I think it would be fitting - to start with an apology.
- I accept.
From you to me, you big S-gibbon, because you tried to fire my husband out the ship! Mm-mm.
I never say sorry.
Like my hero, Gandhi.
All right.
Agenda, shall we? I have a question.
I would like a new cabin away from my broken prophylactic - of a husband.
- Will you All due respect, normo, we have bigger fish to fry.
Second that.
And we can't afford the air.
- Right.
- Wait, why not? What do you mean, you can't afford the air? - Iris, did you did you just laugh? - You're delirious.
All right, so, I have figured out a way to re-perceive the turd sleeve around this ship.
Three words: theatrical lighting rig.
And here's five: what, what, and why? Uh No, that's four.
Fuck, I'm so tired.
Jesus.
I'm sorry, are we running out of air? - Yeah.
- Like, actual air? Not, like, cooking air or, you know, like, air conditioning In nine months, so don't get pregnant, that'd be a complete waste of time.
Okay, I'm I'm calm.
I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Good.
All right.
- So, can we just focus - I thought I was calm, but I am not fucking calm.
I don't wanna die! I don't wanna run out of air! Thank you.
- Hey, Secretary of State.
- Hi, Judd Galaxy.
I like your nails.
- Thank you.
- You got any wax? - This string's dried out.
- What, crossbow wax? Ooh, let me have a look.
No, sorry.
Oh, it's me.
Okay.
Do I just? Miss Mulcair, please clearly and audibly state your business.
Right, hello.
Uh, I am here on behalf of Judd Galaxy.
We urgently need rescue funds.
Four point two three trillion dollars.
I believe written materials have been submitted directly into you? We will redirect funds from the National Child Welfare program.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
This This is everything! Thank you so much! I have been in such a dark place.
Can I No? No? Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Please, will you consider the removal of 500 non-essential passengers? Right.
I absolutely hear what you're saying.
It's just that that would raise one or two - ethical questions - Thank you! Your query has been forwarded to the Department of Ethics.
- But, uh - Goodbye.
Have a nice day.
No.
No, no, no, no.
All right, so I appreciate that some of us are sleep-victimized.
However, bearing in mind the scarcity of resources, can we try to keep lang' at an abs' min'? - Wh What are you saying? - I am trying to conserve oxygen by 'bridging my w'rds.
Well, it's highly, highly confusing.
You see, you did not need the second "highly," - one would've s'ff'c'd.
- Would - Sufficed.
- Ugh.
- Jesus frazzling Christ! - Oh, my God.
Can we skip the missing letters round? I've just reconsidered your earlier point, re: an apology.
S'ry.
- Iris, you laughed! - Fine! I'm s - What's the matter with you? - I I find it amusing.
I don't know why, it just beep! Why are you being such a baby, Iris? Hmm? You like babies so much you wanna be one? Question: are we really running out of air? - Supplemental: what the fuck? - Yes! To your first question.
I don't know how to answer your second question.
But Matty and I have come up with a series of oxygen conservation policies.
"Oxygen conservation policies.
" Well, that's a lungful right there.
Let's try to keep the energy positive around Mr.
Judd - while he pupates.
- While he what? While he pupates.
I've gone through a period of serious introspection since last night.
Okay, so first of Oh, also, you should know, I I tent now.
First up, no running.
Leads to panting.
- Don't do it.
- Oh, secondly, fat people shouldn't use stairs, and avoid any incline.
Direct! Merciless.
Yes.
Uh, fat people should not exert themselves.
- By fat people, do you mean - Anyone over two Two hundred and fifty-seven pounds.
- Mm-mm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, uh, yes, a 257-pound cutoff.
So what are we going to do? We're gonna weigh people as they go about their - Are you really asking questions about - You know what? Everyone please get outta here.
I I need a safe space to create.
Just me, Matty, and the person whose name I ignored.
- Who's that? - You.
Okay.
That guy is a complete moron.
The more he talks, - the more in danger we all are.
- Unless we 'M' him.
Okay, Karen, you gotta stop saying that.
That is clearly not an option Life coached by Matt? That's like being taught to drive by a hen.
We're running out of oxygen and he's "pupating.
" He could kill us all.
Well, you know, Iris, we could sedate him.
Yeah, no, that could work.
That could actually work.
Well, we could double the dose? He might have a stroke, then you'll only be physically wiping his ass.
Right.
Where are we gonna get sedatives and a dart gun? Well, Matt monitors the supply, and I bet he has full access to whatev' they got down there.
Sir, it's Rav for you.
We round Jupiter in three minutes and lose comms.
My cabin is closest, so stride with me.
Excuse me! Karen Kelly! Make a hole, or I will! Gah Now, honey, I have an update for you, and I don't want you to go all flappy on me.
Okay The ship is leaking oxygen.
From what I understand, it will be like drowning with dirt in your mouth and a tractor on your chest.
Okay.
That's fine.
Fuck.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
It's only oxygen.
All right.
So don't talk, because then you will last marginally longer.
Attaboy.
Okay, guys, I think we're on.
Yeah.
And we don't have long with her, and it could get a little bit glitchy.
Hello speaking Hello? Great.
Hi! I start speaking.
I'm gonna start speaking before get cut off.
I have some good news and some not so good news.
The good news is we have funding! Yay! Come on! - Wh What was that? What did she - She said they had funding.
- Shush! Yes, yes, shush! - The not so good news is the Other President suggested we explore losing 500 NEPs, but I rejected that, I said, "No, we are not killing 500 people, not today!" Other President sug we explore losing 500 NEPs Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no.
No, no, no! No! No, now Earth is the other side of Jupiter.
- What's NEPs? - Non-essential personnel, like - Mm Mm-mm.
- Okay.
That is not on the table.
We are not getting rid of 500 non-essential personnel.
My hands always get clammy whenever I shower in a strange room.
Fuck you, Doug! - How are you here? - Yeah, what the actual frig? Are you wearing Frank's clothes? - Two sugars? - Yeah.
I have just been ordered homeless by Herman Judd, so I no longer have access to a bathroom.
Oh, great.
You see this, Frank? He's using you as a toilet friend.
Are you guys seriously considering getting rid of 500 passengers? No, and you are not gonna say it out there.
All right? And you're particularly not gonna say it in front of Herman Judd.
- Oh, you monotonal fuck! - Fuck you, Doug! Good morning, everyone! We finally have a baby name.
Kayden! - Kayden? - That's an asshole name! Okay, it's just a word.
And you're an asshole, asshole.
- Oh, you.
- Doug.
You look different.
Fatter, maybe? No, it's probably just my spirit swelling now that I'm not with you.
- Hey, you're hiding something.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
I know that, Doug, that's your factory setting.
Actually, I I have been made privy to something.
Okay, so you know about - the oxygen.
- The passengers.
- Oxygen? - The shortage.
- There's a shortage of air? - Yes! - Holy fuck! Are you kid - Okay, okay - Oh, my God, are you serious? - Stop panicking.
This is when one panics! We are running out of air and they're shooting 500 passengers out of the airlock.
- What? - Yes! The airlock? Oh, my God! Oh, my fucking God! - That's horrible.
- This is panicking! - Why can you panic and I can't - I'm not panicking! - Yeah, neither was I! - Then stop and lower your voice! Fine.
Also, the captain is speaking in that British voice - Yeah, I heard that.
- All right, listen, fucker, if they start suggesting names of passengers, let's not suggest each other, all right? - That's actually a really good - Okay, fine.
- Good plan.
- All right.
Put your hard-on away.
This is purely self-preservation.
Yeah, I think the same thing.
- Great.
- All right, see you l - See you around.
- Okay.
See you never.
Come on.
- Fuck you! - No, fuck you, Doug! Do you wanna Okay, Matt, uh Uh, I I, um - I need you to hook me up.
- What do you need? Synthetic veal? Porno? Mint jelly? All of them, if you can.
- Jesus! - But first, I I, uh I actually want lots and lots and lots of sedatives.
Look, my area of expertise is pretty limited.
It's basically recreational barbiturates, Eastern sex practices, Christmas music.
But I do know suffering, and you're suffering.
So I just need a little bit more information to make sure I'm not causing more harm than I'm fixing.
- I was bullied at school.
- Was it your ears? What? No.
What do you mean? - What's wrong with my ears? - Nothing.
But that is what I would go in on, if I was bullying you.
I'd make you self-conscious about something that isn't even a thing because it makes you question your sanity.
Ain't that right, you jar-eared Dumbo fuck? - It's brutal.
- I Yeah Mm.
You're right, I hate my ears.
Yeah.
- Sedatives? - I mean, look at you.
You're like a gimp on a leash right now.
- Mm-hmm.
- You'd do anything for these drugs.
- Anything.
- And if I don't give 'em to you, you're probably gonna go below decks and get them from the guys down there.
But you're gonna have to sexually humiliate yourself.
You are so good.
You're right.
I was this close to going down there and showing someone my bottom.
Well, I I got the, um, the sleeping - Oh.
- Yeah.
Take two of these, it's like you've died and gone to the opera.
All right, so give me one because I'm so tired that my hair hurts me.
Oh, no.
These are for, um what's the who's the guy who runs Judd Industries? - Judd.
- Yes.
So, apparently, even, uh, Space Baby can't sleep.
Respectfully, fuck him.
No, seriously, 'cause he's he's in an incubator, those things are soundproofed to balls.
I'll take the sedatives, and I'll go Judd drug.
No, Karen, you will kill him.
There's a difference.
Okay, so you two give me the, um them things, and then I'll go What? I'll go to Who they for? - I'll take them.
I'll take - Oh, no, no, Billie, Billie, no - Yeah, but I'm gonna give them - Billie, give them to me.
- Okay - Oh, look, it's the king! - Where? - A-ha! In your face, you and and the other one.
Okay.
Michele's an engineer, you tell him exactly what you want.
- Get as technical as you like.
- Okay.
Michele, huh? I don't like boys with girls' names.
Okay, so We fire the glitter at the turds as we turn the lasers on? Or sequins.
Maybe sequin bombs that we make from degradable plastics, and then shoot them at the turds.
I'm thinking six every two minutes, to ensure a steady shimmer.
Then glitter, then confetti, then, maybe, fairy lights, if we all feel we've earned it.
Okay, read it back to me.
Let's make a sex tape! Get out of my line of sight.
Action.
Herman Judd here, with a brief word.
Indeed, all of our words must now be brief.
That is because we're running out of breathable air.
I had intended to ease into that one.
We will plug this leak.
But until we do, you must remain breathing steadily to minimize all oxygen usage.
And cut out all unnecessary conversation.
No sighing, no gasping, no unnecessary sneezing, no flouncing.
If you have to be passive aggressive, do it only with your eyes.
Relax.
Iris! No, no, no, wait.
This is recorded.
That's that's not the actual beep.
But do remain breathing calmly.
That's the actual beep.
That is now a legal requirement.
Thanks, gang.
Okay, I'm gonna tell a joke now.
The setup is that there are three men of three different nationalities.
I won't tell you which nationalities, 'cause otherwise you might find it amusing.
The punchline is that one of the men in the joke is considerably more parsimonious than the other two men in the joke.
Thus concludes the joke.
That was not funny.
Here it comes.
Iris! As I walk up, there's these cars falling out of the bed.
It was just What is the nature of this conversation? Uh, I'm just talking about my grandchildren.
Would you classify it as essential? News flash: it isn't.
Okay, now I'm gonna do some oxygen-efficient banter with the audience.
- Ma'am, where are you from? - Utah.
That's nice.
You are banal as shit.
I hear ya, honey.
Shoehorns are weird, aren't they? Thus concludes the shoehorns section.
Thank you.
I thought I'd set up I can't I can't.
I'm sorry.
I said, I thought I'd set up in a space where everyone feels welcome.
In God's office? Jesus, Vishnu, Allah, Karen Kelly.
I think I have a ways to go just yet.
- Sedatives.
- Oh Ryan! Get ready to have your butt and/or ball blown off.
Mr.
Judd is about to perform his first miracle.
We're gonna sparklify the Halo of Crud.
I have an update.
Space Baby has jaundice.
He's on a respirator.
Jaundice? Somebody's got a weak liver.
- Is he okay? - He's fine, just laying there with his oxygen mask.
Greedy little fuck.
Yeah! There's my girl.
Welcome back.
Missed you, girl.
Yeah, fuck Space Baby, stealing all our oxygen.
Who's stealing the oxygen? What's going on? We just heard the news.
Oh, shit.
They told you? About the 500 NEPs they're shooting into space? What? Doug, what are you doing? - You're such an idiot.
- I'm whispering so we're Shh, shh, shh Quiet! You chattering fucks! Can you hear me? - Yes.
- I can.
- What about now? - Yes.
It was the same.
What about now? - Too low.
- Too low.
Okay, I'll go up.
Bless you.
Oxygen Fuck! Shut up, Frank! Now that you have - Guys.
Please.
Guys.
- Oh, my God.
That's like a full tank.
You have to think before you speak.
And then, think again.
And then think, "I shouldn't speak.
" And then, don't speak.
Iris! - Fuck you, Doug! - Hey, you.
What are NEPs? They're non-essential personnel.
- What?! - I Iris, will you shut the fuck up? Is it true? You're just gonna kill 500 passengers? Why wasn't I notified? Was I notified? When was I notified? Who are you to determine who is essential? I can't go.
I'm the only radiologist in outer space.
Darrell, I'm standing right here! We've been colleagues for years! It's not an oxygen beep.
It's not an oxygen beep! I checked all the tanks, and the beeping is the ship telling us to recalibrate for the baby.
There's an extra passenger.
It needs to recalibrate.
There's no oxygen That would be the other reason.
- Oh, my - What, you you didn't - rule that out already, huh? - Shut up, Spike.
There is air.
There is enough air for maybe some of you to thank me.
I'm Billie.
We have air? - Yeah, we have air.
- So we can shout? If you want to, I guess, yes.
You guys were trying to kill us! Yeah, you had a list going! Guess what? Now we're gonna make a fucking list! - And you all - I don't even care about names, I just want blood.
And light 'em up! - Oh, my - Oh! Wow.
Oh, my God, it's beautiful! It is beautiful.
Until you really think about it.
Who knew shit could be so enchanting? Me.
I did.
I knew.
He's transformed the most disgusting thing imaginable into a kaleidoscope of butt truffles! Well, you gotta say, he knows his audience.
So he lives.
For tonight.
Okay, it's over.
The nightmare is over.
This this part of the nightmare is over.
Congratulations.
Why don't you give yourself a little pat on the back, or the ass? Give your ass a little squeeze, and then go make love to yourself in a sleazy motel.
You earned it.
You're really fucking weird, dude.
I don't wanna do these hangouts anymore.
They make me kinda sick.
- That's okay.
- No, it isn't.
Your ears are beautiful.
To me.
It's the most plausible he's looked in weeks.
I'm gonna miss talking to ya, sweetie.
I actually see a face there.
I see the pope's face, Pope John Paul II.
J.
P.
was one of the good ones, too.
Wasn't even a Nazi in his youth.
There's been talk about ejecting 500 people from the ship.
- It is the talk of Satan.
- Oh, cast him out! Amen! Who is Harrison? Oh, that's just somebody that I'm not scared of.
I suppose you are head of mission control.
And I guess what you know, they're saying, is that you're not in control of the mission.
Oh, Lord