Back in Very Small Business (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
Family Trust
1 Family trust is a perfectly legal form of tax avoidance.
I want $50,000 times six that you paid me "on the books".
(LAUGHS) How big are the balls on this kid, Ray? Maree said I could contest it.
Elephantine.
Do you mind if I move my chair in closer? Do you mind if I stay the night? I am ready to commit, babe, to you.
How about we take this thing to the next level and just move in together? This weekend? Where are my bloody chairs, Don? Not available.
Why is the car park so bright? I can't see diddly in here.
Ooh, this looks good, Don.
A Monster Meal deal.
Two pizzas, two wedges, two garlic breads Celeste! Get up, please.
You are flaking.
Oh, sorry Don.
But $19.
50.
That is good value.
On my desk, thanks.
Why does the yellow square keep flashing? And the Australian Taxation Office? I call him The Dodger for a reason, Celeste.
Straight to Kim's desk.
- I'm not sure he'd be able to attend.
- Attend what? A mediation session.
- You've been ordered to go.
- What for? A claim against The Angel Family Trust, brought by That little fucker.
.
.
Alex Angel.
Your son.
Yeah, I know who he is, Celeste.
Vijay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, U-turn, please.
Where do you think you're going with my chairs? I'm taking them to your girlfriend's shop.
No.
And no.
Not my girlfriend.
That is a professional sexual relationship, that is all.
And the chairs aren't for her.
No-one is getting a thing out of me.
- Who wants to make a fast buck? - You do, Don.
No, apart from me.
Everyone, stop what you're doing.
It's never a monumental challenge for you, is it Ashley? What? Here's the deal.
Everyone is going to start flogging cow hide.
Four chairs each for your own private eBay, Gumtree, Pinterest, Grindr account.
The staff member who sells their chairs for the highest amount gets to keep the profit margin.
Asterisk, conditions apply.
- Ah, Don? - Codester.
I don't know how to sell something on eBay.
I do.
I sold an Ikea bookshelf for double what I paid just by highlighting that it came fully assembled.
Thank you, Olivia.
And, Leslie, you help Codester with the picture.
Any idiot can figure that out, so Cody should be fine.
Excuse me.
Cody does not know about eBay because unlike the rest of you, he has been defending our country instead of buying used jumpers.
Fine.
eBay essentials, make sure the photo is poorly lit and out of focus and that the description is littered with spelling mistakes.
Was that so hard? - Glad someone's happy.
- What? I'm being such a dick to Cody.
- Have you spoken to Mum? - What? No.
Why would I have? She hasn't called or texted since the other night.
- The other night? - When we had our big fight.
Oh, right.
No, I get it.
It's easy to forget the first time we sat down together in 15 years.
What happened after I left? What happened, after you left? Do you need to pop a few fish oils? - Hmm? - (PHONE CHIMES) Who's that? Oh, my service provider.
I don't need to answer.
I'm happy with them.
I thought she would have apologised by now.
Listen, maybe I could ask her to - Apologise? - .
.
give you a call.
Really? You wouldn't mind? - I know it's awks between you.
- Well, yeah, but no, I'm fine.
- You're the best.
- SAM: Is this for freaking real? What the fuck, Dad? Or, good morning everyone, how was your night? The ATO is telling me I have to come to a mediation between you and Alex.
I got a letter.
Oh, you are joking me.
Oh, and - And what'd that letter say? - Something about a Family Trust.
What is it? - What's what? - The Family Trust.
It's a corporate structure that allows families to prosper, which is why "family" is in the name.
I thought the point of you doing my tax return was I didn't get involved in this crap.
Is it legit? Of course it's Kim, Family Trusts.
Legal? 100%, Don.
I don't want to be dragged into anything between you and Alex.
You have to get me out of it.
Well, I will get straight onto that, Sammy.
- Although - What? Maybe you should have a word with your brother.
Nup.
Because the best outcome so that you don't have to front up to the ATO is for Alex just to drop this bullshit altogether and you have always been so good at that stuff.
What stuff? You know, keeping the peace.
Remember that time your mother and I squabbled over how much I had to pay towards your schooling and she was out the front throwing the solar garden lights at the front window? - Remember that? - Mmm.
And before I knew it, you had bolted out there and you pinched my wallet and you slipped her three $50s and bang, Mum pissed off home.
You you were like, um, whatsie from the UN.
Angelina Jolie.
Oh, shut up.
I'll call him.
(PHONE CHIMES) CELESTE: Hello.
Hi, yeah, I'm calling about the chairs for sale.
The ad about my cow chairs, yes.
Yeah, are they still available? I'm sitting in one of them right now.
They're so comfortable.
Yeah, I've heard.
Are they in good condition? They've still got the plastic on them.
Well, all of my furniture has and the carpets.
I'm a worrier.
Point is, they're in near-perfect condition.
Is that Celeste? Yes.
Who's this? ALEX: I painted the boat and I put wind in my sails - Got napkins from a diner - (PHONE RINGS) Whadup, Cersei? - What'd you call me? - Cersei.
She's the bitch queen from Game of Thrones.
- Who has sex with her brother, so - I didn't mean that.
Oh, speaking of you being a moron, what the H are you doing with the ATO? I just got a letter.
Did Dad get a letter too? How is he? Oh, he's shaking in his boots, Alex.
Why would he care? A Family Trust is legal, you lamo.
It's legit.
If it's so legit then why didn't he tell me about it? He probably ran out of crayons to explain it to you in pictures.
Yeah, I'm stupid, Sam.
I don't know how I managed to google how a Trust works and find out that a parent hides money away in their kid's name, but the kid has to agree to gift that money back to them.
Well, guess what? I haven't given Dad a gift since I made him bookends in Year 8, and he threw them out because he didn't have any books.
I made him get them out of the bin.
- Can you just back me up for once? - For once? Can't you see that he owes us money? He owes you jack shit.
He owes me wages for this week because I work.
Fine.
I'll let you know what it feels like to have my $300,000 in the bank.
How much? Ahh! You didn't know either.
Hey, babe.
Me-me babe? What's good? Um, ev-everything's good.
Hey, I've got to do this ATO mediation thing.
That-that should be fun.
So I just need to get across these Family Trust figures.
Ah, which-which year? Um, so when I worked at Woolworths in 2011, say You earned $4,033.
What a baby, huh? And what'd Dad put in my name that year? Let's see, that was 62.
62.
So about 300 all up, same as Alex.
Well, you're two years older, so you started earlier.
So you gifted back 400 and Dad! Oh, get out, please, Sammy.
I've told Celeste to stop coming in here.
I do not want to be accused of nepotism.
- Alex won't change his mind.
- The little turd.
And I don't blame him.
I beg your pardon? You hived off all that money without telling him, or me.
$400,000 in my name, you dick.
Your name, my money.
I swear, I blame those Rinehart kids.
They've got everyone under 25 frothing at the mouth.
I don't know why you had to hide it from me.
Alex had to explain it to me, and only because he wants me on his side at that fucked up mediation.
Oh, he's pathetic, isn't he? Running to you for help.
It's-it's your mother's fault for breastfeeding him too long.
He never learnt to get his own milk, so when she left, who had to get all his milk for him? You did.
I can't gang up on him.
Sammy, look around you.
I created all of this, purely because I had the nous to duck and weave, legally, around those nut scratchers at the Tax Department.
From little things big things grow.
- Who said that? - Paul Kelly.
Who? No, it was it was someone big.
It was a bank ad.
My point is, you, with your MX-5 and those shoes, which are lovely, by the way, are a direct beneficiary of the Angel Family Trust.
Am I wrong? No I'm not.
And how powerful is it gonna be when you repeat everything I just said in front of your sooky lala brother at the ATO? Hey? You smell like dunny spray.
It's lavender pine.
(SNIFFS) I saw you, Don! I know.
I was just clearing Sammy out of the men's.
Come on, Sam.
Alright, everyone.
Just because Leslie can access all areas vis-a-vis toilets does not mean the rest of you can.
Am I clear? Why is Celeste selling my chairs online? That's who was on the phone! Tip of the tongue.
Sorry, Don.
Sadly, I do not know what either of you are talking about right now, Bridget.
You coming? Alright, I am not afraid to have this out in the open plan, Bridget.
I'm really, really not.
I want my chairs.
- They are not your chairs.
- Bullshit! On some of them, yes, unfortunately, that's why we're going the second-hand route.
I've got orders for those chairs.
Different cows.
Texas, er, Longhorn.
Am I right, everyone? People? ALL: Yes.
Yes.
Definitely.
That's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
- Sammy, you with me? - Yep.
Sammy makes nine, against one.
So You and me? We're done.
Ohh, do not be so immature! You do not throw away the type of sex we're having in your shop just like that.
I can get sex anywhere.
What I can't get is the chairs.
Lucky for me, because I can get both.
Can't I, Ray? - (PHONE CHIMES) - Mum just texted.
- Did you talk to her? - Oh What'd she say? Oh, I think she's suggesting a bite to eat.
Something Middle Eastern.
I'll just call her back to confirm.
I'm kidding! You can have as many as you like! - (KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW) BOTH: dot au! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Leslie, is that you? No, it's your other transitioning son.
Oh, I like him.
He's less sarcastic.
Was there something you wanted to say to me? How's work? Fantastic.
It's a graphic designer's dream.
I'm sorry you were upset the other night and had to storm out dramatically without listening to what I was trying to - Oh, just forget it.
- No, wait.
Leslie, I don't want to fight.
I can't do this on the phone.
Well, come have lunch with me.
Where? At the business park? Do you think you can leave the inner city? Drop some gluten-free breadcrumbs to find your way back.
Alright, I'll see you at one.
And see you at one.
Right.
- Ooh! - (BOTH GIGGLE) On behalf of the Taxation Office, I'd like to welcome you both.
My name is Madeline Ferris and I'll be mediating your session.
Don Angel, Maddy, CEO World Wide Business Group.
And Alex's father.
I know.
It's a massive workload, but I love it.
Maddy, I would also like to extend a very warm welcome to my lawyer, Sandi Limoncello.
Nobody said I needed a lawyer.
Alex, success like mine does not happen without crackers like Sandi following me everywhere.
There's a lot of mopping up to be done.
Given you charge per 15 seconds, let's ah, keep the personal observations to yourself, yeah? I'm not paying for that last one.
It's-it's not a requirement, Alex.
You'll be fine.
Look, I'm aware that Samantha Angel is yet to join us, but I'd like to get things under way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not go off all half-cocked there, Maddy.
Let's, ah, give her a call and at least try to do this three-quarter cocked.
Yeah? Booty bounce, bah-bah-bah-bah Booty bounce Bounce and pounce - Sit on top of me and do that - Booty bounce - That's it - You're actually really cute.
Isn't he cute, you guys? Leslie, I don't think that's a very good Oh, Ray, thank God.
Sam is drunk.
Although Ashley's saying she's munted.
Poor Kim.
I'm not sure he's looking for sympathy.
Get on top of me and do that BOTH: Booty bounce, booty bounce Bah-bah-bah-bah I gave her a morning-after banana but she doesn't seem to respond to potassium the way I do.
Maybe she can sleep it off at her desk the way Ashley does.
She can't.
She's due in at the ATO with Don.
- Sit on top of me and do that - Booty bounce.
Mr Angel, would you like to take a seat? I'm gonna stand.
I want to close my red ring.
10,000 steps, yeah? Can you just sit down? You're making me want to pee.
Well, maybe Alex should start things off and take us through his claim.
Ah, is it OK to use the whiteboard? No! Calm down, Professor.
- That is absolutely fine, Alex.
- Thanks.
Well, on the advice of my father's business partner, Ray Leonard, I went and saw Maree at H&R Block to get a tax refund.
Sorry, was this directly after you visited your father - to ask for several thousand dollars - to pursue a hobby of yours? - It's not a hobby.
- Oh.
I'm a musician.
Oh, sorry, Madeline, doesn't the Tax Office categorise a professional musician as "someone who's used their intellectual skill "to perform in front of a paying audience on tape or disc "or in a radio broadcast"? - Alex, have you been playing live? - Yeah.
And you were paid.
In beer and sometimes schnitzel.
Schnitzel? Oh, schnitzel.
Yeah, no, I-I don't think that qualifies as professional, does it Madeline? Well, according to this year's tax return, I've been a professional fruit-picker and Maree said I should have got a $6,000 refund.
But instead, I got a tax bill for $17,000.
Well, Dirty Maree doesn't sound like the world's sharpest tax adviser, does she, Alex? What'd you pay for her wisdom? 99 bucks? Pretty good value, since she told me I'd been making $50,000 a year since I was 14.
Excuse me, Alex.
Sorry, Maddy, I'm actually finding that green marker quite hard to read.
Sandi? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is hard to follow what Alex is trying to say.
- Mmm.
- Do you have blue? I'm sorry, let me use black, just so it's really clear.
All up, the trust has put $300,000 in my name, which I never agreed to gift back.
I want it gifted back.
Now.
- Sam? - Ray! Do you remember you were supposed to be at the Tax Office? Shh! I'm not going.
Dad said, "You're on my side," and Alex said, "You're on my side.
" So I said, "Go fuck yourselves!" Sam, you're going to lie down here Whoa! The room is moving.
.
.
and have a little rest.
I can't! I have to write a post for Sloosh.
Sluice.
The people who do colonic irritation.
Gation.
- I'll do those for you.
- No! Maybe.
Oh one second.
Al right.
Mr Angel.
- BOTH: Yes.
- No.
No, Alex, I'm the Mr Angel, thank you very much.
You-you don't have your grown up Angel wings yet and the little ones you do have are just about to be clipped.
OK.
Meter is ticking.
Hit the whiteboard.
Oh, it's going to take me twice as long to write it out.
You happy to pay the extra? - Big voice, please, Sandi.
Read away.
- Read what? In accordance with the Act, the respondent is entitled to mount a counter-claim.
So, we have drawn up a list of parenting and accommodation costs associated with raising Alex.
What? Now, obviously an aggregate for food and board, then under medical we've got asthma medication, antibiotics, EpiPen.
There's a bloody rort.
100 bucks a year and you never use them.
- I should look into that, actually.
- Mmm.
Entertainment, PlayStation, computer, iPod Mini, Nano and Touch, iPad, iPad Air, movies, Netflix Is-is this for real? You should have listened when I taught you how to bit torrent.
- Dance classes - Ah, class.
I went to one lesson.
Mm-hm.
Birthday parties, paintball skirmish, bouncing castle, clown hire.
- Oh, that was you! - What about the outfit? - And it is still a service.
- Oh, this is Now, we have furniture, bedding, petrol, haircuts, education I went to a public school.
Who had a gold coin fundraiser every other day.
If I saved them all up, I could have sent you to where did you go? Mitcham High? - Did you? - Mmm.
Look and learn, Alex.
Then for pets, rabbits, hutch, goldfish times 17, guinea pigs, a dog who had vet bills, plus there's the monthly fee to the farm in New South Wales where he now lives.
Are you keeping a running total on the fly? Yeah, you're looking at high 200s.
And we've still got, what, clothing And utilities, gas, electricity, water, rates, depreciation, plus there's the costs of setting up the Family Trust.
(WHISTLES) (MOUTHS SILENTLY) Wow! I'm looking for Mr Leonard.
Oh.
This is him.
- Was Leslie out there? - I don't know.
But you can't expect me not to sneak a moment with you.
Ooh, Jesus! You remember Sam, Don's daughter? She passed out after an all nighter.
- Celeste said you were here.
- Why is the door closed? Ah, Sam's asleep.
Oh.
What's going on? Are you guys talking about me? - Yes.
- No.
I was just explaining to your mum that perhaps she was a bit insensitive in her apology to you.
Really? Well, maybe he should come to lunch with us then.
I think that's a good idea.
Ray? I need to stay with Sam.
- Can we get takeaway? - OK.
I'll have the quarter chicken and chips, but no gravy.
Don't have the gravy.
OK.
Everything seems to be in order.
What? In-in order? That's bullshit! He-he can't invoice me for being a child.
He's supposed to pay for me, not bill me for lightbulbs.
- That you never turned off.
- Are you kidding me? Alex, it was never your money, mate.
You didn't earn it.
I did, and I hid it, according to the law.
Alex, I can understand, this is a lot to take in, but your father's stance is legally permissible.
So for this to go any further, you would need to contest it in court.
This is fucked.
Language! And I tell you what is fucked.
You thinking you can get something for nothing.
Well, I learned from the master.
Well, you must have been sitting in a different classroom than your sister, because she learnt to work for a living.
You want you want to know why she is not here today? Number one, work ethic.
Number two, she would never want to damage the Angel family name.
The Angel family name.
Like that's a thing.
It's a it's a bloody big thing, that you should be proud of.
It will open doors for you one day, my friend.
Was-was that s'posed to be ironical? When in Rome So, Mum, I really want to talk to you about my surgery.
Can I at least finish my chicken first? - (MOANS) - Oh, Sam.
Can I run this past you? You can't eat and talk about my body at the same time? Oh, don't be dramatic.
I just meant that The human body is ingenious in its ability to signal subtly that it requires maintenance.
But how do we know if our colon is not releasing efficiently? Thankfully, the therapists at Sluice Colonic Irrigation can tell you precisely how your colon is performing, with their state-of-the-art, single-use tubing system.
Ample onsite parking means you will be in and out quickly, just like our staff.
Sluice, number one in colons.
What was that? It's an Instagram post for a new client.
- I thought you ran the dog wash.
- He does everything.
You know, if Sluice were to offer a half colonic, they could call it a semi colon.
(LAUGHS) Hey, I know you don't like Dad very much, so I appreciate you guys getting together for my sake.
Oh, well And thanks for agreeing to at least read the literature.
Leslie, rainbow pen with fluffy pom-poms, or rainbow pen with baubles? Baubles are cute.
- How much? - Fuck all.
18 cents versus 12 for the pom-poms.
Mmm, but if you shift 10,000 units, that's $600 difference, so it has to be the fluffy pom-poms.
Have you 100% checked that they are not toxic this time? Kim, is your mouth tingling or anything? - Ah, no.
- OK.
Cool.
I'll order the pom-poms.
What time is it in Bangladesh? Will you do a picture for them, Leslie? Sure.
Mum, you alright? Yeah, I-I just need to talk to Ray.
Why are you still here? I know this was a place to hide after your nervous breakdown, but you're better now.
You're great now.
- So what are you doing? - My job.
The scary part is you say that without any irony.
Your job? Selling dog washes and colonic irrigations? There's a combo pack we hadn't thought of.
I'm serious.
You act like this is a normal place to work when there are two dogs rooting on your wall and a girl passed out in your office.
- This isn't normal.
- Well that's my point.
No, the thing is, Sam is complicated.
She's had a very challenging childhood, and she's very good at keeping a lid on things.
But sometimes the lid flies off and when it does, it hurts.
The only way she knows how to stop the pain is to self-medicate.
Her father and brother are fighting, putting her in the middle which is why she self-medicated her arse off last night.
Actually, she's-she's a very sweet girl.
And you are a very sweet man.
I love that you care.
But you're wasting that great brain of yours.
Don't you want more? What about that book you were going to write? The book.
I'd forgotten about that.
I hadn't.
Can you believe what Alex just sent me? Oh, hello.
Oh, Don, you're back.
Your remember Yvonne.
Hard to forget any of our exes, isn't it? Well, today was a shit fight, no thanks to your advice, Gordon Gecko.
Did you tell her you were the reason I spent the whole day at the Tax Office? No, I didn't.
My own son, dirty Alex, was trying to rip into the Family Trust.
My own kid, coming after my money.
- But it was a Family Trust.
- Yeah.
- Well, it's not your money, is it? - Beg yours? It's money that belongs to all of us.
Am I being pranked here, Celeste? I don't know.
I'm not in on it.
I mean, that money should have been spent on hospitals and roads and schools And bleeding hearts.
Jesus Christ, Ray.
I think the point that Yvonne is trying to make is that the 80% of the population who don't avoid paying tax in that way find it deeply unfair.
- Thought you were going.
- I'm leaving now.
Bye, Ray.
Say goodbye to Sam for me.
- I hope she feels better.
- What? What happened to you? Fat lot of good you were today.
You're a shit dad.
I'm a shit dad.
Have a look at her.
I-I made her what she is today.
What was that about? Was-was that about Alex? Because I also just gave him a masterclass on what it takes to be a parent and it's hundreds of thousands of dollars, Ray.
Yep.
And no-ne just gave me that money, which is why I'm not giving him that money.
- It's it's tough love, isn't it, Ray? - It does seem pretty tough.
Thank you.
I mean, how else am I supposed to support him? Good on you, Don.
Swallowing a bit of pride.
It's a good idea.
I think he'll appreciate it.
Not charging for the nuts is pretty stupid.
No wonder he gets paid in schnitzels.
- (MICROPHONE CLICKS ON) - Ooh, hang about.
That's my son.
Whoo! Yeah.
Thanks for coming out, everyone.
I'm Alex Baker.
(WHISTLING, APPLAUSE) I painted a boat and I put wind in my sails What'd he say? Got napkins from a diner, writing down my tales What'd he what'd he say his name was? .
.
I'm gonna be like Kerouac Baby, so kiss me, I'm not coming back At least it's his name and not his gender.
It's perfect weather for saying goodbye It's sunny today, the sky never lies Oh, baby, so, kiss me I'm saying goodbye Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, oh, oh, oh Whoa, whoa, oh I don't want to leave a message for Alex Baker.
What happens if he has kids? They won't have your name.
It is not about my name.
It is about my brand.
The company formerly known as the World Wide Business Group is now called Angel Family Enterprises.
SAM: I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I can't be in a relationship with you.
Kim's resigned.
What? He was supposed I love Sam.
Don't you have something arranged? How long have you been fucking Mum? Who's this? So, baby, kiss me I'm saying goodbye.
I want $50,000 times six that you paid me "on the books".
(LAUGHS) How big are the balls on this kid, Ray? Maree said I could contest it.
Elephantine.
Do you mind if I move my chair in closer? Do you mind if I stay the night? I am ready to commit, babe, to you.
How about we take this thing to the next level and just move in together? This weekend? Where are my bloody chairs, Don? Not available.
Why is the car park so bright? I can't see diddly in here.
Ooh, this looks good, Don.
A Monster Meal deal.
Two pizzas, two wedges, two garlic breads Celeste! Get up, please.
You are flaking.
Oh, sorry Don.
But $19.
50.
That is good value.
On my desk, thanks.
Why does the yellow square keep flashing? And the Australian Taxation Office? I call him The Dodger for a reason, Celeste.
Straight to Kim's desk.
- I'm not sure he'd be able to attend.
- Attend what? A mediation session.
- You've been ordered to go.
- What for? A claim against The Angel Family Trust, brought by That little fucker.
.
.
Alex Angel.
Your son.
Yeah, I know who he is, Celeste.
Vijay? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, U-turn, please.
Where do you think you're going with my chairs? I'm taking them to your girlfriend's shop.
No.
And no.
Not my girlfriend.
That is a professional sexual relationship, that is all.
And the chairs aren't for her.
No-one is getting a thing out of me.
- Who wants to make a fast buck? - You do, Don.
No, apart from me.
Everyone, stop what you're doing.
It's never a monumental challenge for you, is it Ashley? What? Here's the deal.
Everyone is going to start flogging cow hide.
Four chairs each for your own private eBay, Gumtree, Pinterest, Grindr account.
The staff member who sells their chairs for the highest amount gets to keep the profit margin.
Asterisk, conditions apply.
- Ah, Don? - Codester.
I don't know how to sell something on eBay.
I do.
I sold an Ikea bookshelf for double what I paid just by highlighting that it came fully assembled.
Thank you, Olivia.
And, Leslie, you help Codester with the picture.
Any idiot can figure that out, so Cody should be fine.
Excuse me.
Cody does not know about eBay because unlike the rest of you, he has been defending our country instead of buying used jumpers.
Fine.
eBay essentials, make sure the photo is poorly lit and out of focus and that the description is littered with spelling mistakes.
Was that so hard? - Glad someone's happy.
- What? I'm being such a dick to Cody.
- Have you spoken to Mum? - What? No.
Why would I have? She hasn't called or texted since the other night.
- The other night? - When we had our big fight.
Oh, right.
No, I get it.
It's easy to forget the first time we sat down together in 15 years.
What happened after I left? What happened, after you left? Do you need to pop a few fish oils? - Hmm? - (PHONE CHIMES) Who's that? Oh, my service provider.
I don't need to answer.
I'm happy with them.
I thought she would have apologised by now.
Listen, maybe I could ask her to - Apologise? - .
.
give you a call.
Really? You wouldn't mind? - I know it's awks between you.
- Well, yeah, but no, I'm fine.
- You're the best.
- SAM: Is this for freaking real? What the fuck, Dad? Or, good morning everyone, how was your night? The ATO is telling me I have to come to a mediation between you and Alex.
I got a letter.
Oh, you are joking me.
Oh, and - And what'd that letter say? - Something about a Family Trust.
What is it? - What's what? - The Family Trust.
It's a corporate structure that allows families to prosper, which is why "family" is in the name.
I thought the point of you doing my tax return was I didn't get involved in this crap.
Is it legit? Of course it's Kim, Family Trusts.
Legal? 100%, Don.
I don't want to be dragged into anything between you and Alex.
You have to get me out of it.
Well, I will get straight onto that, Sammy.
- Although - What? Maybe you should have a word with your brother.
Nup.
Because the best outcome so that you don't have to front up to the ATO is for Alex just to drop this bullshit altogether and you have always been so good at that stuff.
What stuff? You know, keeping the peace.
Remember that time your mother and I squabbled over how much I had to pay towards your schooling and she was out the front throwing the solar garden lights at the front window? - Remember that? - Mmm.
And before I knew it, you had bolted out there and you pinched my wallet and you slipped her three $50s and bang, Mum pissed off home.
You you were like, um, whatsie from the UN.
Angelina Jolie.
Oh, shut up.
I'll call him.
(PHONE CHIMES) CELESTE: Hello.
Hi, yeah, I'm calling about the chairs for sale.
The ad about my cow chairs, yes.
Yeah, are they still available? I'm sitting in one of them right now.
They're so comfortable.
Yeah, I've heard.
Are they in good condition? They've still got the plastic on them.
Well, all of my furniture has and the carpets.
I'm a worrier.
Point is, they're in near-perfect condition.
Is that Celeste? Yes.
Who's this? ALEX: I painted the boat and I put wind in my sails - Got napkins from a diner - (PHONE RINGS) Whadup, Cersei? - What'd you call me? - Cersei.
She's the bitch queen from Game of Thrones.
- Who has sex with her brother, so - I didn't mean that.
Oh, speaking of you being a moron, what the H are you doing with the ATO? I just got a letter.
Did Dad get a letter too? How is he? Oh, he's shaking in his boots, Alex.
Why would he care? A Family Trust is legal, you lamo.
It's legit.
If it's so legit then why didn't he tell me about it? He probably ran out of crayons to explain it to you in pictures.
Yeah, I'm stupid, Sam.
I don't know how I managed to google how a Trust works and find out that a parent hides money away in their kid's name, but the kid has to agree to gift that money back to them.
Well, guess what? I haven't given Dad a gift since I made him bookends in Year 8, and he threw them out because he didn't have any books.
I made him get them out of the bin.
- Can you just back me up for once? - For once? Can't you see that he owes us money? He owes you jack shit.
He owes me wages for this week because I work.
Fine.
I'll let you know what it feels like to have my $300,000 in the bank.
How much? Ahh! You didn't know either.
Hey, babe.
Me-me babe? What's good? Um, ev-everything's good.
Hey, I've got to do this ATO mediation thing.
That-that should be fun.
So I just need to get across these Family Trust figures.
Ah, which-which year? Um, so when I worked at Woolworths in 2011, say You earned $4,033.
What a baby, huh? And what'd Dad put in my name that year? Let's see, that was 62.
62.
So about 300 all up, same as Alex.
Well, you're two years older, so you started earlier.
So you gifted back 400 and Dad! Oh, get out, please, Sammy.
I've told Celeste to stop coming in here.
I do not want to be accused of nepotism.
- Alex won't change his mind.
- The little turd.
And I don't blame him.
I beg your pardon? You hived off all that money without telling him, or me.
$400,000 in my name, you dick.
Your name, my money.
I swear, I blame those Rinehart kids.
They've got everyone under 25 frothing at the mouth.
I don't know why you had to hide it from me.
Alex had to explain it to me, and only because he wants me on his side at that fucked up mediation.
Oh, he's pathetic, isn't he? Running to you for help.
It's-it's your mother's fault for breastfeeding him too long.
He never learnt to get his own milk, so when she left, who had to get all his milk for him? You did.
I can't gang up on him.
Sammy, look around you.
I created all of this, purely because I had the nous to duck and weave, legally, around those nut scratchers at the Tax Department.
From little things big things grow.
- Who said that? - Paul Kelly.
Who? No, it was it was someone big.
It was a bank ad.
My point is, you, with your MX-5 and those shoes, which are lovely, by the way, are a direct beneficiary of the Angel Family Trust.
Am I wrong? No I'm not.
And how powerful is it gonna be when you repeat everything I just said in front of your sooky lala brother at the ATO? Hey? You smell like dunny spray.
It's lavender pine.
(SNIFFS) I saw you, Don! I know.
I was just clearing Sammy out of the men's.
Come on, Sam.
Alright, everyone.
Just because Leslie can access all areas vis-a-vis toilets does not mean the rest of you can.
Am I clear? Why is Celeste selling my chairs online? That's who was on the phone! Tip of the tongue.
Sorry, Don.
Sadly, I do not know what either of you are talking about right now, Bridget.
You coming? Alright, I am not afraid to have this out in the open plan, Bridget.
I'm really, really not.
I want my chairs.
- They are not your chairs.
- Bullshit! On some of them, yes, unfortunately, that's why we're going the second-hand route.
I've got orders for those chairs.
Different cows.
Texas, er, Longhorn.
Am I right, everyone? People? ALL: Yes.
Yes.
Definitely.
That's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
- Sammy, you with me? - Yep.
Sammy makes nine, against one.
So You and me? We're done.
Ohh, do not be so immature! You do not throw away the type of sex we're having in your shop just like that.
I can get sex anywhere.
What I can't get is the chairs.
Lucky for me, because I can get both.
Can't I, Ray? - (PHONE CHIMES) - Mum just texted.
- Did you talk to her? - Oh What'd she say? Oh, I think she's suggesting a bite to eat.
Something Middle Eastern.
I'll just call her back to confirm.
I'm kidding! You can have as many as you like! - (KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW) BOTH: dot au! (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Leslie, is that you? No, it's your other transitioning son.
Oh, I like him.
He's less sarcastic.
Was there something you wanted to say to me? How's work? Fantastic.
It's a graphic designer's dream.
I'm sorry you were upset the other night and had to storm out dramatically without listening to what I was trying to - Oh, just forget it.
- No, wait.
Leslie, I don't want to fight.
I can't do this on the phone.
Well, come have lunch with me.
Where? At the business park? Do you think you can leave the inner city? Drop some gluten-free breadcrumbs to find your way back.
Alright, I'll see you at one.
And see you at one.
Right.
- Ooh! - (BOTH GIGGLE) On behalf of the Taxation Office, I'd like to welcome you both.
My name is Madeline Ferris and I'll be mediating your session.
Don Angel, Maddy, CEO World Wide Business Group.
And Alex's father.
I know.
It's a massive workload, but I love it.
Maddy, I would also like to extend a very warm welcome to my lawyer, Sandi Limoncello.
Nobody said I needed a lawyer.
Alex, success like mine does not happen without crackers like Sandi following me everywhere.
There's a lot of mopping up to be done.
Given you charge per 15 seconds, let's ah, keep the personal observations to yourself, yeah? I'm not paying for that last one.
It's-it's not a requirement, Alex.
You'll be fine.
Look, I'm aware that Samantha Angel is yet to join us, but I'd like to get things under way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not go off all half-cocked there, Maddy.
Let's, ah, give her a call and at least try to do this three-quarter cocked.
Yeah? Booty bounce, bah-bah-bah-bah Booty bounce Bounce and pounce - Sit on top of me and do that - Booty bounce - That's it - You're actually really cute.
Isn't he cute, you guys? Leslie, I don't think that's a very good Oh, Ray, thank God.
Sam is drunk.
Although Ashley's saying she's munted.
Poor Kim.
I'm not sure he's looking for sympathy.
Get on top of me and do that BOTH: Booty bounce, booty bounce Bah-bah-bah-bah I gave her a morning-after banana but she doesn't seem to respond to potassium the way I do.
Maybe she can sleep it off at her desk the way Ashley does.
She can't.
She's due in at the ATO with Don.
- Sit on top of me and do that - Booty bounce.
Mr Angel, would you like to take a seat? I'm gonna stand.
I want to close my red ring.
10,000 steps, yeah? Can you just sit down? You're making me want to pee.
Well, maybe Alex should start things off and take us through his claim.
Ah, is it OK to use the whiteboard? No! Calm down, Professor.
- That is absolutely fine, Alex.
- Thanks.
Well, on the advice of my father's business partner, Ray Leonard, I went and saw Maree at H&R Block to get a tax refund.
Sorry, was this directly after you visited your father - to ask for several thousand dollars - to pursue a hobby of yours? - It's not a hobby.
- Oh.
I'm a musician.
Oh, sorry, Madeline, doesn't the Tax Office categorise a professional musician as "someone who's used their intellectual skill "to perform in front of a paying audience on tape or disc "or in a radio broadcast"? - Alex, have you been playing live? - Yeah.
And you were paid.
In beer and sometimes schnitzel.
Schnitzel? Oh, schnitzel.
Yeah, no, I-I don't think that qualifies as professional, does it Madeline? Well, according to this year's tax return, I've been a professional fruit-picker and Maree said I should have got a $6,000 refund.
But instead, I got a tax bill for $17,000.
Well, Dirty Maree doesn't sound like the world's sharpest tax adviser, does she, Alex? What'd you pay for her wisdom? 99 bucks? Pretty good value, since she told me I'd been making $50,000 a year since I was 14.
Excuse me, Alex.
Sorry, Maddy, I'm actually finding that green marker quite hard to read.
Sandi? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it is hard to follow what Alex is trying to say.
- Mmm.
- Do you have blue? I'm sorry, let me use black, just so it's really clear.
All up, the trust has put $300,000 in my name, which I never agreed to gift back.
I want it gifted back.
Now.
- Sam? - Ray! Do you remember you were supposed to be at the Tax Office? Shh! I'm not going.
Dad said, "You're on my side," and Alex said, "You're on my side.
" So I said, "Go fuck yourselves!" Sam, you're going to lie down here Whoa! The room is moving.
.
.
and have a little rest.
I can't! I have to write a post for Sloosh.
Sluice.
The people who do colonic irritation.
Gation.
- I'll do those for you.
- No! Maybe.
Oh one second.
Al right.
Mr Angel.
- BOTH: Yes.
- No.
No, Alex, I'm the Mr Angel, thank you very much.
You-you don't have your grown up Angel wings yet and the little ones you do have are just about to be clipped.
OK.
Meter is ticking.
Hit the whiteboard.
Oh, it's going to take me twice as long to write it out.
You happy to pay the extra? - Big voice, please, Sandi.
Read away.
- Read what? In accordance with the Act, the respondent is entitled to mount a counter-claim.
So, we have drawn up a list of parenting and accommodation costs associated with raising Alex.
What? Now, obviously an aggregate for food and board, then under medical we've got asthma medication, antibiotics, EpiPen.
There's a bloody rort.
100 bucks a year and you never use them.
- I should look into that, actually.
- Mmm.
Entertainment, PlayStation, computer, iPod Mini, Nano and Touch, iPad, iPad Air, movies, Netflix Is-is this for real? You should have listened when I taught you how to bit torrent.
- Dance classes - Ah, class.
I went to one lesson.
Mm-hm.
Birthday parties, paintball skirmish, bouncing castle, clown hire.
- Oh, that was you! - What about the outfit? - And it is still a service.
- Oh, this is Now, we have furniture, bedding, petrol, haircuts, education I went to a public school.
Who had a gold coin fundraiser every other day.
If I saved them all up, I could have sent you to where did you go? Mitcham High? - Did you? - Mmm.
Look and learn, Alex.
Then for pets, rabbits, hutch, goldfish times 17, guinea pigs, a dog who had vet bills, plus there's the monthly fee to the farm in New South Wales where he now lives.
Are you keeping a running total on the fly? Yeah, you're looking at high 200s.
And we've still got, what, clothing And utilities, gas, electricity, water, rates, depreciation, plus there's the costs of setting up the Family Trust.
(WHISTLES) (MOUTHS SILENTLY) Wow! I'm looking for Mr Leonard.
Oh.
This is him.
- Was Leslie out there? - I don't know.
But you can't expect me not to sneak a moment with you.
Ooh, Jesus! You remember Sam, Don's daughter? She passed out after an all nighter.
- Celeste said you were here.
- Why is the door closed? Ah, Sam's asleep.
Oh.
What's going on? Are you guys talking about me? - Yes.
- No.
I was just explaining to your mum that perhaps she was a bit insensitive in her apology to you.
Really? Well, maybe he should come to lunch with us then.
I think that's a good idea.
Ray? I need to stay with Sam.
- Can we get takeaway? - OK.
I'll have the quarter chicken and chips, but no gravy.
Don't have the gravy.
OK.
Everything seems to be in order.
What? In-in order? That's bullshit! He-he can't invoice me for being a child.
He's supposed to pay for me, not bill me for lightbulbs.
- That you never turned off.
- Are you kidding me? Alex, it was never your money, mate.
You didn't earn it.
I did, and I hid it, according to the law.
Alex, I can understand, this is a lot to take in, but your father's stance is legally permissible.
So for this to go any further, you would need to contest it in court.
This is fucked.
Language! And I tell you what is fucked.
You thinking you can get something for nothing.
Well, I learned from the master.
Well, you must have been sitting in a different classroom than your sister, because she learnt to work for a living.
You want you want to know why she is not here today? Number one, work ethic.
Number two, she would never want to damage the Angel family name.
The Angel family name.
Like that's a thing.
It's a it's a bloody big thing, that you should be proud of.
It will open doors for you one day, my friend.
Was-was that s'posed to be ironical? When in Rome So, Mum, I really want to talk to you about my surgery.
Can I at least finish my chicken first? - (MOANS) - Oh, Sam.
Can I run this past you? You can't eat and talk about my body at the same time? Oh, don't be dramatic.
I just meant that The human body is ingenious in its ability to signal subtly that it requires maintenance.
But how do we know if our colon is not releasing efficiently? Thankfully, the therapists at Sluice Colonic Irrigation can tell you precisely how your colon is performing, with their state-of-the-art, single-use tubing system.
Ample onsite parking means you will be in and out quickly, just like our staff.
Sluice, number one in colons.
What was that? It's an Instagram post for a new client.
- I thought you ran the dog wash.
- He does everything.
You know, if Sluice were to offer a half colonic, they could call it a semi colon.
(LAUGHS) Hey, I know you don't like Dad very much, so I appreciate you guys getting together for my sake.
Oh, well And thanks for agreeing to at least read the literature.
Leslie, rainbow pen with fluffy pom-poms, or rainbow pen with baubles? Baubles are cute.
- How much? - Fuck all.
18 cents versus 12 for the pom-poms.
Mmm, but if you shift 10,000 units, that's $600 difference, so it has to be the fluffy pom-poms.
Have you 100% checked that they are not toxic this time? Kim, is your mouth tingling or anything? - Ah, no.
- OK.
Cool.
I'll order the pom-poms.
What time is it in Bangladesh? Will you do a picture for them, Leslie? Sure.
Mum, you alright? Yeah, I-I just need to talk to Ray.
Why are you still here? I know this was a place to hide after your nervous breakdown, but you're better now.
You're great now.
- So what are you doing? - My job.
The scary part is you say that without any irony.
Your job? Selling dog washes and colonic irrigations? There's a combo pack we hadn't thought of.
I'm serious.
You act like this is a normal place to work when there are two dogs rooting on your wall and a girl passed out in your office.
- This isn't normal.
- Well that's my point.
No, the thing is, Sam is complicated.
She's had a very challenging childhood, and she's very good at keeping a lid on things.
But sometimes the lid flies off and when it does, it hurts.
The only way she knows how to stop the pain is to self-medicate.
Her father and brother are fighting, putting her in the middle which is why she self-medicated her arse off last night.
Actually, she's-she's a very sweet girl.
And you are a very sweet man.
I love that you care.
But you're wasting that great brain of yours.
Don't you want more? What about that book you were going to write? The book.
I'd forgotten about that.
I hadn't.
Can you believe what Alex just sent me? Oh, hello.
Oh, Don, you're back.
Your remember Yvonne.
Hard to forget any of our exes, isn't it? Well, today was a shit fight, no thanks to your advice, Gordon Gecko.
Did you tell her you were the reason I spent the whole day at the Tax Office? No, I didn't.
My own son, dirty Alex, was trying to rip into the Family Trust.
My own kid, coming after my money.
- But it was a Family Trust.
- Yeah.
- Well, it's not your money, is it? - Beg yours? It's money that belongs to all of us.
Am I being pranked here, Celeste? I don't know.
I'm not in on it.
I mean, that money should have been spent on hospitals and roads and schools And bleeding hearts.
Jesus Christ, Ray.
I think the point that Yvonne is trying to make is that the 80% of the population who don't avoid paying tax in that way find it deeply unfair.
- Thought you were going.
- I'm leaving now.
Bye, Ray.
Say goodbye to Sam for me.
- I hope she feels better.
- What? What happened to you? Fat lot of good you were today.
You're a shit dad.
I'm a shit dad.
Have a look at her.
I-I made her what she is today.
What was that about? Was-was that about Alex? Because I also just gave him a masterclass on what it takes to be a parent and it's hundreds of thousands of dollars, Ray.
Yep.
And no-ne just gave me that money, which is why I'm not giving him that money.
- It's it's tough love, isn't it, Ray? - It does seem pretty tough.
Thank you.
I mean, how else am I supposed to support him? Good on you, Don.
Swallowing a bit of pride.
It's a good idea.
I think he'll appreciate it.
Not charging for the nuts is pretty stupid.
No wonder he gets paid in schnitzels.
- (MICROPHONE CLICKS ON) - Ooh, hang about.
That's my son.
Whoo! Yeah.
Thanks for coming out, everyone.
I'm Alex Baker.
(WHISTLING, APPLAUSE) I painted a boat and I put wind in my sails What'd he say? Got napkins from a diner, writing down my tales What'd he what'd he say his name was? .
.
I'm gonna be like Kerouac Baby, so kiss me, I'm not coming back At least it's his name and not his gender.
It's perfect weather for saying goodbye It's sunny today, the sky never lies Oh, baby, so, kiss me I'm saying goodbye Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, oh, oh, oh Whoa, whoa, oh I don't want to leave a message for Alex Baker.
What happens if he has kids? They won't have your name.
It is not about my name.
It is about my brand.
The company formerly known as the World Wide Business Group is now called Angel Family Enterprises.
SAM: I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, but I can't be in a relationship with you.
Kim's resigned.
What? He was supposed I love Sam.
Don't you have something arranged? How long have you been fucking Mum? Who's this? So, baby, kiss me I'm saying goodbye.