Beaver Falls (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

I'm dying.
Barry and A-Rab don't know? No.
Love is fucked in the head.
While you're her at my camp, you're my wife! You've obviously heard I've split up with Jake.
He actually thinks he's in with a chance! I slept with Flynn.
So, what do you want? A-Rab.
Don't panic, I'm not going to tell anyone.
So this is Beaver Falls.
Actually, I kind of wish I'd come up here with you before.
It's peaceful.
Leroy Jenkins! Jeez, the state of his arse! I thought you were going to get that thing removed.
Sod that! It hurt bad enough getting a tattoo! Last one in has to sit next to me on the plane home.
Come on, get 'em off.
It's our last day, and I want to see some cock from me old mates.
Whoo! Ah! Mate, that is a beautiful penis.
Programme contains strong language from the start, adult themes and scenes of a sexual nature.
I never thought I would say this to a dude, but I wanna see your ass.
No-one's seeing my arse.
Why did you tell them? It's a valuable life lesson for them - perils of getting tattooed whilst drunk.
Enough! OK, million-dollar question bearing in mind we're in Californ-I-A, can A-Rab pull off his very own Hollywood ending at the prom tonight, or does he fuck it all up like the British one? Yeah, whatever.
Don't see anyone else here in with a sniff tonight.
What about me? What? You?! Oh, dear God! And she's back.
Thought you might need a hand packing.
Us cripples got to stick together, right? Go on, take a seat.
So, how you feeling about going home? Like a turkey on Christmas Eve.
It's just, whichever way I look, I don't see anything to look forward to.
Hmm.
Maybe you need to set yourself some goals.
Like coming back next summer.
Not exactly wheelchair-friendly, is it? We both know there's a very good chance you won't be in a wheelchair.
No it might be worse.
Yeah, or it might be better.
Flynn, you can't do this alone.
You can't just slap the grin on, pretend like you're OK.
You have to tell Barry and A-Rab.
You're keen today.
I can't believe this is our last lesson and you're still this bad.
Thanks.
I owe it all to you.
Barry No, hold on, just just hear me out.
Look, I get that there are a million reasons why nothing's ever gonna happen.
So, for once, I'm not asking for that.
I'm just saying, it would be an honour to go to the prom with you.
And I'd be a gent, I wouldn't look down your top or sniff your hair or anything.
But I promise you'd have a laugh.
I know that you're still down about Jake, so if I can just cheer you up, that'd be enough for me.
I'm sorry.
It's still no.
You'd really rather go on your own than go with me? I just don't want to.
OK.
I thought it was worth one last Seemed like a good idea an hour ago.
Agh! Nice titties.
So you want back in? Mm-hm.
You've gotta lose the lard, right? Mmm.
And do your initiation again.
You got the balls for that? Course I got the balls.
Me and the boys want to give Jake a little leaving present.
Show Barry up for the loser he is.
What kind of present? Later, bitch tits.
You're back.
Goody! What do you want, Lily? I have a problem.
Just the one? More of a moral dilemma, actually.
I know this girl who's stringing this guy along.
Nice guy.
Bit dopey, but still, he's totally into her.
And here's the killer she slept with his best friend.
What a bitch, huh? And the real doozy is, she makes a living spouting cosy homespun wisdom, telling other people how to live their lives.
Lily, I'm not in the mood for games, OK? Neither am I.
I just wanna know, what's the moral thing to do? Do I let the lie stand, let the poor patsy keep wasting his time? Or do I take the tough-love route, and just tell him? You wouldn't dare.
Maybe I wouldn't.
Maybe I would.
All right? You got a light, mate? Do you ever just think, "What the fuck am I doing with my life?" All the time.
I'm such a dick.
Of course she said no.
Of course! I watch too many films, that's what fucks me.
All that hope.
It's time to grow up a bit.
I'm going to go home, get a haircut Hey, Barry, you don't need to change a thing, all right? You're a fucking legend.
I'm serious, look at me.
Whatever happens, don't stop being you, all right? Just Barry on! Barry on regardless.
Are you trying to get off with me? Just trust me.
OK.
But I do need to talk to you.
"Wyominge or bust?" Bloody hell, Barry.
That E, it wasn't there 20 minutes ago.
I promise.
Look, I did some thinking while you were in hospital, and I really don't want to say goodbye tomorrow.
I-I don't want that to be it.
So? Let me drive you home.
I'll change my plane ticket, and we'll have a road trip.
You know, an adventure.
Have I totally misjudged this? No.
I would love to hang out with you more.
Uh is there someone in your trunk? Can somebody release me? Help! Help! Come on! Oh, A-Rab, thank God.
I thought I was done for.
Oh, yes! Very funny, very mature, Jizz! Oh, it was hilarious! Have you been listening in the whole time? Yeah, and, dude, you suck at this Casanova shit.
All right, enough, enough.
Just a yes or no, please.
Just to shut them up.
Oh, dear God Fuckin' hell! Who's done this? I can't wear these, I'll get arrested.
Oh, what?! They've all been done.
Some fucker's broken in Jake, I bet it was fuckin' Jake.
Eugh, he wants to see your wienus.
I'm sure someone can lend you some jeans.
Let me.
Looking good B-Dog.
I saw you with the jocks earlier.
Tell me, if you had to put Barry in a clique, where would you put him? I dunno.
I Nerds, I guess.
Yeah, nerds.
That sounds about right.
Flynn, would he be in there? We seem to do all right, though, don't we? See, it doesn't matter who your mates are, so long as they've always got your back, yeah? Anyway looking good.
Hey, Thurston.
Take a picture, yeah? The three of us.
Oi! That That's Barry's.
Not any more.
Come on.
Limo's here.
Move it, ladies.
What am I going to wear? There's plenty of old costumes down the prop store.
Might find a tux in there.
Yeah, Smallie, go tell the limo driver we're gonna stop on the way.
Do we really need a limo? Yes, we're making a statement.
This is how the Chunk Bunk rolls.
All right, boys.
Hey, Barry on, yeah? And, you, try not to fuck it up with Rachael, eh? Are you not coming in the limo? I've got some packing to finish.
A metaphor, one suspects.
Dude, seriously? Well, they didn't have a tux and then I saw this and I was, like, "Hell, yeah, we have liftoff.
" But the jocks are gonna Fuck the jocks.
Who cares? I like it.
Anyway, what's this thing you lot are planning? Is it a knife-throwing act? You'll have to wait and see.
Eh, a dirty protest? All we'll say is, it's gonna be off the hook.
Flynn done us proud.
They'll regret spurning our amorous advances now.
Well, it's your loss, ladies cos we're fat and we're all that! Right, we're here.
Child lock.
Fuckin' hell, mate! I know going in a limo's exciting, but it's not that exciting.
Look, it's called puberty.
You're going to start having certain urges.
Shut up, Barry, what am I going to do?! I don't know.
Strap it down, maybe? Nah, he needs to crack one off, right?! I find thinking of Simon Cowell helps.
What, when you're cracking one off? No, when I'm trying to wither.
It's not funny.
I wanted tonight to be perfect.
Mate, you'll be fine.
Listen, we're going to hide you away until it goes down.
And she'll never, ever Oh A-Rab! Oh, dear.
Hey! Wow, you look absolutely beautiful.
Thank you.
Any chance of a hand? Thurston, flowers, please.
You two have a nice evening.
Are you OK? Yep, just an old sport injury.
Oh.
These are for you.
Can I take that? Yep.
Thanks.
Oh! The perfect gentleman.
Yo, wideload! Nice work, dude.
Barry looks like a complete asshole, and Jake is going to love it.
Can't see no chubby, though.
Er, yeah, you can't see it through the, er, suit.
But I spiked A-Rab as well.
Yeah? Above and beyond, bro.
Now, that's locker-room style.
You can ditch the deadbeats.
Oh provided you lose the weight.
Ain't having no bitch tits in my locker room.
What are you doing up on spinster row? Here.
Don't believe the hype, honey.
He's only pretending that he's over you.
Honestly, I couldn't care less.
No? Of course not.
You know, in his day, Bobby was a great catch, too.
I swear he was.
Captain of the football team, and he had that whole stare thing going on.
Didn't last, though.
What happened? Oh, I don't know.
He stopped playing football, and the stare thing got creepy.
And then you realise, he never made you laugh.
And just the sight of him depresses the shit out of you.
And the thought of doing this year after You know what I wish someone had told me when I was your age? Don't underestimate fun.
What now? Dress code is strictly black tie, buddy.
Erm hello? Uh! You know what pisses me off the most about you Brits? It's the mistaken belief in the power of irony.
It doesn't make you smarter than me.
We can all use big words.
You celebrate failure, because you have no other way of dealing with what you see in the mirror.
There is no fuckin' triumph in being a loser.
Well, you should know, Jake.
Now let my date go.
Your date? Yeah, my date.
If he'll have me.
Barry.
Mouth shut, remember? Kimberley, look at it.
I mean, look at it.
You can do better than that.
Not tonight, I can't.
Now, unless you guys are into hitting women, I suggest you go back inside.
You know, there's a system in this country and it works.
People who look like me screw people who look like you.
We have beautiful babies and the whole country gets better-looking.
But someone like him comes along pollutes the whole fuckin' gene pool, sets us back years.
That's un-American.
That's what it is.
OK, don't get too excited, no-one's polluting anyone's gene pools.
I know, I know.
You were just doing it to make Jake jealous, I'm cool with that.
By the way, you look like a princess.
Thank you.
I mean, a proper Disney princess, not one of our horse-faced British ones.
Shall we? Are you OK? Yeah, I'm having a great time.
Ahh, don't you two make a lovely couple? Say, where's Flynn tonight? Er, dunno.
Would you excuse me, please? I just need to go to the bathroom quickly.
Poor boy.
Still in the dark, then? Mm, must go easy on this.
I get very loose-tongued when I'm wasted.
I swear, these kids get worse every year.
You look beautiful.
I assume you're here for this? It's 50-50, down the line.
Not as much as usual, though.
It's a bad year.
I can't do this anymore, this arrangement.
Well, that's that's great, honey, because I hate it too.
I-I just want us to be a normal married couple.
I think we should sell the camp, go our separate ways.
Don't you ever feel like moving on with your life? No.
These six weeks are are what I live for.
They get me through the rest of the year.
It's not good for you.
Pam, all the best moments of my life have happened here.
Our first kiss, down by the lake.
My proposal, our wedding day.
They were all a very long time ago.
Pammy I'm begging you.
Please don't do this to me.
This is all that I have.
I know.
Um, you OK? It just won't go down.
It's like the Terminator of erections.
I find ice helps.
Might be worth a go.
While I'm here could you help me out with something? It was either this or Pocahontas.
We can't start without him.
Have you guys seen A-Rab? No.
Have you seen Brandon? If he cared that much, he'd be here.
'Hi, it's Flynn.
Leave me a message.
' Flynn, it's me.
Um, are you with A-Rab? I can't find him, can't find you.
Look, I need to speak with you.
It's urgent, so call me, please.
OK, time for a change of pace.
We have a request here from The Chunk Bunk.
.
.
the Chunk Bunk.
Oh, Lord! I have no idea what this is, but it could well be a disaster.
And they say, "Step aside, all you punk-ass bitches, "and get ready for the jelly.
" OK, do me a favour, yeah? No matter how bad this is, just whoop with me.
Go on! Whoo! Yeah! Oh! Ohh! Come on, pick up.
Oh! Ohh, no.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, f! Whoo! It's OK, Jake's gone, you don't have to do this anymore.
Shut up, idiot! OK, admittedly, I'm pretty drunk, but you're not nearly as bad at this as I thought you'd be.
Really? So, when do I get to see this tattoo? Er, let me think never! I don't want that to be your last image of me.
You show me yours, maybe I'll show you mine.
Yeah, right! I've spent most of this summer perving every inch of you.
We both know that you don't have any tats.
Are you calling me a liar? Gentlemen, may I suggest repairing to the limousine to toast our success? I've acquired the finest bottle of peach schnapps money can buy.
Ooh! I can't believe Flynn missed it.
Hey, Brandon.
I, uh I thought your dance was pretty cool.
Really? Thanks.
It's Grace, right? Yeah.
You know, I used to think you were kind of a douche.
But that was funny.
Really funny.
You want to dance with me? Uh Yeah! That'd be awesome.
Oh, it's just, erm I promised my friends I'd do this thing, but I could be back in, like, 15 or OK.
Cool, I'd like that.
OK.
Cool.
Erm I'll be back! OK.
That's brilliant.
See you in a bit.
Ah! There you are! I searched all over.
Erm, could you give me a couple of minutes? Why? Are you OK? Oh, God, did Lily find you? No.
It's just complicated.
A-Rab, we need to talk Do we, though? I mean, right now? Yeah, we do.
Oh, gosh how can I put this? I made a mistake a horrible mistake that I regret so much.
And now I've got myself in this impossible situation.
Yep, know that feeling.
OK, look I slept with someone.
The night that Saima came back, the night that you slept with her, I slept with someone too.
Again, maybe now's not a great time.
Flynn.
It was Flynn.
And I'm so sorry.
But you have to know that it's my fault, OK? So, be angry with me, hate me all you want, but just, please, don't take it out on him.
Oh! Oh, my.
Are you OK? No.
No, I'm not fuckin' OK.
What exact part of this is OK? Do you want me to get you some warm water? To friendship.
Friendship! Eugh! It burns! Good grief, it's like licking under one of Smallie's teats.
Oh! I'd imagine.
OK, fuck this, I'm outta here.
But what about all the friendship stuff, man? Are you kidding me? What about boobs? They trump all that shit.
OK, Jizz, let me out.
Oh, shit! Child lock.
Excuse me, driver.
Driver? A-Rab! Dude! She's waiting! Anybody! Come on, don't wuss out on me now.
OK, but you're not allowed to look and then claim that you're nauseous.
Barry, get 'em off.
Oh! Yeah, I did warn you.
Oh would you look at that! Wow.
So, who is Ross Kemp? And, erm, why do you "heart" him? It's not what I asked for! You know how some people get their name done in Chinese? Well, I thought I'd get mine done in binary.
Barry You know, ones and zeros? And then A-Rab and Flynn, they slipped the fucker some money to do that instead.
Barry, turn around.
Oh boy.
Oh, you do have a tattoo.
Crumbs.
Now, come over here and apologise for calling me a liar.
Er Do I really need to spell this out? Yeah No, I mean Look, I've never done this before.
We don't have to No, God, no! No, no, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
You, naked, in the glow of a computer screen.
It's everything I ever dreamt of.
It's my Hollywood.
So what's the problem? I just I don't want you to expect much.
Barry, it's you.
Of course I don't expect much! Oh! You know you're just a notch to him, right? You reduced yourself to a notch.
It wasn't like that.
Oh, no! It was special, wasn't it? Just the way you always dreamt.
Enough! You're being sanctimonious.
At least I'm not a fucking hypocrite.
A-Rab, you slept with your ex the same night.
Yeah, and I came clean, but you, you let me grovel! Do you know how guilty I felt? Flynn, you fucking arsehole! So which line did he use? Cos if was the Ugandan orphanage gap year, you're just the latest in a very long line.
No, he's not here.
He's probably off slipping it to someone else.
I'm sure she feels special too.
Is this Flynn's bed? Well, you should know.
A-Rab, all his stuff is gone.
Oh, fucking typical! No, Flynn, don't stay and face the music.
Just skip town, leaving a trail of spunk and tears A-Rab, I know that you're upset, but just shut up for a second! He didn't know I was going to tell you.
This isn't about you or me.
Nah, it's always about him.
It's always about him A-Rab, please! Just listen to me.
I'm scared he's going to do something stupid.
There's some stuff you need to know about Flynn.
This is amazing.
It's better than Call Of Duty.
Is that good? Yeah.
Really, really good.
Barry Whoa! A-Rab! What the fuck?! Go away! Mate, I'm so sorry.
Go away! Get out! Get out! This is I'm so sorry! This is everything I've ever dreamt of, ever, and you're ruining it! What? You don't really think he? I have no idea.
This is fucking ridiculous.
He could be anywhere.
We'll, er We'll search the camp.
If he's here, we'll He's at the falls.
Mate.
Do me a favour and take a step back, eh, cos you're shitting me up a bit.
I mean, you're not honestly gonna do this, are you? Dunno.
Don't know what I'm doing.
Why didn't you tell us you were ill? I just wanted things to be normal just a little bit longer.
God, you really are full of shit.
If you actually wanted this, you'd have done it already, because you're an impulsive, unthinking prick.
A-Rab, shut up.
What? He wants us to act normal? Fine.
This is how I act when people fuck me over.
We know about you and Rachael.
But we can work this out, right? I mean, don't use it as a reason Oh, he's not gonna jump, Barry! He's just feeling a bit Don't fucking tell me how I'm feeling! Oh, I'll tell you exactly how you're feeling theatrical.
"Shall I just quietly take some pills? No, I know what.
"I'll go and stand on a big fucking cliff where the wind can ruffle my hair.
" Yeah, a cliff which you told us about.
Fuck off.
No, you fuck off.
All right, all right, both of you! You've got no idea what this is like.
Everyone talking about the future.
You know what's in my future? My mum feeding me like I'm a fucking toddler.
You find out your best mate's dying and what do you do? Have a moan about some bird you've known for six weeks.
It's not the only thing I'm angry about! You should have fucking told us! Argh! You see, this is what pisses me off.
Why am I the one feeling guilty? Cos you love feeling guilty, it's your favourite hobby.
All right, shut up! Just shut up! No Don't! I listened to you.
Pay me some fucking courtesy! OK.
You have to sort this out, because, no joke, I am fucked without you.
I had no friends before I met you guys, except my brother.
I mean, I was so chuffed that you actually wanted to be mates.
And then when my brother died, you two got me through it.
You talked to me like I was still me, like we were still us, and and you never stopped taking the piss.
You've got no idea what that meant.
You got me through my worst time.
I will get you through yours.
And, honestly, mate? Anyone who is genuinely gonna kill themselves does not stop on the way to do their hair.
I didn't.
I just have good hair.
It's what happens when you pay for a haircut.
Oh! Fuck! Fuck! A-Rab, he's ill.
You can't punch terminally ill people! We're either treating him normal or we're not.
He can't have it both ways.
Right, well, does anyone feel any better after that? We should do this again some time.
So what happened with Kimberley? You get anywhere? Mate I got everywhere! You're kidding? No.
No, I can vouch for him.
It was unbelievable.
Am I still a virgin if I didn't come? Sorry? You're not honestly saying you didn't pop it till last night? Yeah, hence the running joke.
But the joke only works if you're not a virgin.
Shit, we've just been bullying you for three years.
Yeah, and I don't care.
I just want to know, does it count if I didn't spaff? Yeah.
It counts.
Course it counts! Yeah! Congratulations! Congratulations, mate.
You popped.
Yeah, boy! Oh! Ooh! What happened to you guys? No, what happened to you? You tools supposed to be watchin' our backs! Negligence, pure and simple.
I've half a mind to write a letter.
OK, I can't be doing with this.
Back in the limo.
No! Don't put me back in there! Please! Please.
What's that? You don't wanna know.
I don't care how stretched a limo is - watching him shit in a bag is not living the dream.
'Attention, campers.
' Please assemble with your luggage in 15 minutes.
This is your 15-minute warning.
Thank you.
If I could just have your attention one last time, as we lower the flag.
I-I-I had some words prepared to send you on your way, but, er they're all bullshit.
So instead, I'd like to tell you the truth, er for once.
Er, your lives are not going to work out as you hope.
Sure, you got a a head start.
You're rich.
American.
You got every privilege in the book.
And you'll still find ways to fuck it all up, make yourselves miserable.
Here's a a fact.
More of you will get cancer than will find true love.
A few hundred years ago, it was all Native Americans around here.
Within two generations, it went to shit for 'em.
You think they saw that coming? Really? So, er, here's a tip - learn Mandarin.
Seriously.
Bobby, stop it.
No, this is important! Your lives are going to be a crushing disappointment.
And that's why Beaver Falls matters because you need things to cling to.
Memories.
From before your bowel went irritable.
From when your erections weren't dysfunctional.
So cherish every memory you have of this summer because from here on in, it's all shit.
Thank you.
See you next summer.
Fare thee well! And if forever, still forever fare thee well.
Philistines! Every time, Barry.
Every fuckin' time.
Really? It's all right, mate.
Better out than in.
Thanks, guys.
Hi.
I'm so sorry for standing you up last night.
Why? Hardly your fault about the limo.
Anyway, er, you wanna sit on the bus together? Yeah! Yeah, yeah, I'd like I'd like that a lot.
Oh, er Go on, son! Er, guys we're being saluted! I find that strangely moving! Hi.
Any chance of coming to my level? I was so scared last night.
Come on.
Talk to me.
I'm not much good at goodbyes as you may have noticed.
Besides I think you guys have got more to talk about.
You two gonna be OK? Yeah.
We'll get there.
I think.
Look I'm so sorry.
Yeah, me too.
Really thought we were had a shot at prom king and queen.
Yeah, I know.
Will I Will I ever get my hands on that sash? Hello, my lover! Starting to think you were avoiding me.
Barry, about last night I was pretty drunk, you know? Oh.
I was really drunk.
Right.
Well, look - you might regret it, but I don't.
I'll always remember it.
And well, I just wanted to say I'm so glad I lost it with you.
I'm glad you did too.
Yep! Knew it! Knew what? You enjoyed it as much as I did.
So you tell yourself it was a one-off, missy, a mistake, but it wasn't.
And you may not realise it yet, but one day, I bet you'll be back for more.
Oh, really? And what makes you think that? Because there's something about me, isn't there? Something that horrifies you just a little bit, but the simple fact is, something about me makes your gash froth! Barry! You really know how to ruin a moment, don't you? Yes.
Yes, I do.
I should be going.
Um, by the way, last night the freezer that wasn't, like a thing.
No.
I just wouldn't want you thinking that I had a thing Look after yourself, OK? So Hollywood or British ending? British.
Very fucking British.
You? Um mid-Atlantic? You know he can swim, right? You'll be wanking about me for the next ten months! I guarantee it! I've written you a poem.
Oh, for the love of God! "You're leaving me, Pam And my heart is a mess" "Consider this my State of Our Union Address" Bobby, I got a long drive ahead.
Oh, OK.
I'll just, er I'll just skip to the last, er last verse, then.
"So I got on the phone and I spoke to my lawyer "Says he'll take you to court and we'll fuckin' destroy ya "Turns out your condo Your warren of lust "Is actually owned by the Beaver Falls Trust "Of which I'm trustee "Sadly for you "You sell the camp "I sell your shit too "So you wanna keep the car? "The life in Miami?" "Better come back next year" "Hadn't ya, Pammy?" See you in June.
OK, there's still some stuff I don't get about last night.
How? How did you seal that deal? A gentleman would never kiss and tell.
Let's just say Ross Kemp is my fanny magnet.
So, what? You're not gonna get rid of it? Are you nuts? That's my lucky sex tattoo.
I've got a 100% success record on that.
Every single woman I've ever shown it to has got naked within, like, 30 seconds.
Maybe you should get some of those trousers with the arse cut out.
I might just do that.
Maybe you should get one done, A-Rab.
Then you wouldn't have to bum freezers for kicks.
I didn't bum it, all right? I went in the front way.
Jeez, listen to the virgin! Whoa! I thought we'd laid that joke to rest.
Mate, we've only just begun.
So are you gonna stay in touch with her? It's kind of awkward.
I mean, Wyoming's a long way.
No, I wasn't talking about Rachael - I was talking about the freezer.