Ben and Kate (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

Okay, mine's done.
Mine's done, too.
So, what's the plan tonight? I'm going to inspect the candy for some razor blades and then I'm gonna check into Hotel Sweatpants and then I'm going to fall asleep, probably with a candy wrapper stuck to my face.
Halloween is the one night a year that girls with absolutely no game whatsoever like your sweet self Thank you Have a chance to be whorish.
Whorish is not exactly what I had in mind.
Personal pan pizza is more along the lines of what I was thinking.
Can I have some candy? N-N-N-No.
This is Auntie BJ's special candy from Amsterdam.
It is not suitable for small children.
Uncle Ben's coming.
Um, okay, this is it.
Are you ready, you guys? This is going to be the one year that I actually scare Uncle Ben.
His time has come.
Can I do it? Okay.
It is a sad world when a heterosexual man can't ride his sister's bike home from a farmers' market while holding a seasonal gourd without attracting comments.
Would you do me a favor? Could you grab me a basket on top of the fridge that I need in a minute? Can't reach stuff with your little dinosaur arms, huh? No problem.
Human man coming through.
Oh, my stars, what do we have here? This rat ate his friend's head.
That's terrible.
Seriously, you're not scared at all? I was a night watchman at a doll factory, Kate.
Nothing scares me.
Look, I know you're trying to camouflage all her flaws, but I just feel like you're accentuating them.
Maddie, I'm telling you this as your friend.
You have never looked more squat.
Who am I supposed to be again? You're Mini Marie Curie, baby.
You have a Nobel Prize in chemistry and one in physics.
I always make the best costumes.
Baby Gandhi.
Tiny Geraldine Ferraro.
Ferraro.
The death of print journalism.
It's amazing.
Your friends are going to love it.
Wow, just what every little girl wants to be ostracized at parties.
I try really hard to keep her away from those dumb princess costumes every year, and as terrifying as it is, she actually really looks up to you, so Well, of course she does.
I'm a glamorous enigma, Kate.
Especially when you rob one of my neighbors blind every Halloween.
I go to the Velasquez's haunted house as an invited guest.
I just happen to find myself in their bathroom, and as you know, I just happen to be a bit of a butterfingers and accidentally knock a bottle of their non-FDA-approved Brazilian face cream into my open handbag.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
What? Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, it's Hot Neighbor Guy.
What do I do? Why is he here? What does he want? Make it stop.
Why is it happening? I think he wants you to open the door.
This a bad time? Hi.
I'm Steve.
I'm throwing a party tonight and I'm inviting everyone from the neighborhood, so if you're free Maybe.
I don't know.
It's been a really hot fall.
Well, uh, I just wanted to let you know.
Uh, hope to see you there.
Trick or treat! He is so into you.
That was electric, Kate.
No, that's the thing you do.
You invite your neighbors to something so that they don't call the cops, which is smart because I am the type to call the cops.
Kate, it's Halloween, you can pretend to be someone else a Kate who gets some action.
Don't you think that I want to get a little, like? Pretending to be someone I'm not just makes no sense.
I'm sorry, that sound is that the noise yours actually makes? Wake up, look around There's a feeling today Fall down, get up again Get in the game Hey, hey, hey We're all here anyway.
All right, so, Halloween night Mmm.
Here's what I'm thinking we go to the club early, all right? Now, it's gonna feel too early at first, but by the time the ladies get there, we're dancing our asses off and we're the nucleus.
The club? Yeah.
No, I think here's what we got to do.
We got to stay here, answer the door for trick-or-treaters, and flirt with some hot moms, you know.
Put their homework on my fridge.
I can get into that.
No, I can get into that big-time.
Yeah.
Like, I'm gonna get into their purse.
Have them carry you around.
In a more in, like, a sexual way, though.
I was there with you.
It didn't sound sexy at first.
All right, cool, I'm gonna hit the shower, yeah, 'cause moms like it fresh.
Yeah, they do.
I'm thinking about doing something a little different with my hair tonight.
Ooh, okay, but don't say anything else.
I want to be surprised.
This is perfect.
Look.
Sexy meter maid? No.
You'd be really good at that.
Cool, so when we're young, we have to be princesses, and when we're old, we have to be sluts.
Get over yourself.
Maddie, come here.
Where is she? Okay, would you rather be a depressed, frumpy, dead scientist or a beautiful, sparkly princess? Princess.
Yes.
And maybe you could be the queen.
No, I can't, I've got other plans, but you can try it on.
I know it's a hard color, but we'll just get her a spray tan.
You just undid six years of very inspirational costumes with one probably flammable yellow dress.
Stop all of this.
What? Stop being this person for one night.
This person is fine.
Okay.
Oh, hey.
Hey, it's Kate, right? Trick or treat.
I said that earlier and you're saying it now.
What's bipping? What does that mean? It's funny seeing you twice in one day.
It's kind of like So, uh, maybe I'll see you at my party tonight? Maybe-C-D-E She'll see you there with the rest of the alphabet.
Won't you? I don't know.
What is that? I don't know.
Gonna be alone forever.
This is not working.
Yeah, it's really bad.
I'm gonna go to that party.
Yes, you are.
Gonna go as the new Kate.
Yeah, you are.
Yeah.
I'm gonna wear this.
No, I'm not.
I'm not gonna wear that.
Okay, uh What about this? Okay, I think that's a duck costume for a baby, but I like where your head's at.
Um, maybe what about two? Yeah, one for each booby.
Quack, quack.
Hello, curl.
What's up, soft wave? What's that? Yeah, I do surf.
Short-boarding, yeah, I'm a Ben.
What's that? Um, I made some delicious Halloween cider.
Do you want some? Oh, yeah.
Parched.
Ladle yourself some.
Okay.
Well, now, that shouldn't be in there.
I'm gonna have to write a terse letter to the farmers' market.
Come on, Ben, that was good.
Yeah, the phrase "ladle yourself some" that's something people say.
Do you hear what I'm saying, Ben? Huh? Are there sounds coming out of my mouth? What? Yes.
I feel weird.
I wonder if I'm allergic to these candies.
Did you eat one of BJ's candies? No, I ate seven of them.
These are from Amsterdam, Tommy.
You know what comes from Amsterdam? Experimental filmmakers? No.
Windmills? No.
People who were there and then came back? Things that you can't get over here substances.
What? No, man, I-I've never done substances in my life.
Okay, I expand my mind through books and articles.
You are you're gonna be fine.
You sure? It's just like having, like, a super bad, weird cold in a dark room in a space shuttle.
Oh, my God.
You know what we should do? We should just get you, um, horizontal.
Half baseball bat, half gavel, and the costume is I don't know.
Come on.
I have no idea.
Oh, my God, guess.
I'm trying.
Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Great, I just I thought you were going to be sexy.
Well, this is just the PG layer, okay? See? Oh, well played.
Very, very good.
And you you're gonna go steal some lotion from the Velasquez haunted house dressed as a cat burglar? Don't you think that's kind of a giveaway, BJ? This is exactly why they won't suspect me too on the nose and it's not stealing, it's replacing something I've run out of that I stole last year.
Oh, and thank you for this, by the way.
Oh.
Look at all these princesses.
I mean, there's a 75% chance that I might take home the wrong kid tonight.
Well, maybe you get an upgrade.
Anyone want a flashlight? Have a safe Halloween.
Thank you.
This is such a great idea.
Easy, Old Kate.
Yes, New Kate is going to happen tonight right after I drop Maddie off at Tommy's parents' house.
BJ, why don't you come? And we can play princess and queen.
Honey, it's Halloween.
I'm busy.
Does she think I put this on for her? Don't worry, okay? I've talked a lot of guys through this before.
I used to be a lifeguard on Nantucket, or as the locals call it, "Nan-too-kay.
" I'm gonna put on some relaxing sounds and use this relaxing voice.
Do you hear it? Oh, yeah.
You feel the relaxation? Mm-hmm.
Are you feeling relaxed? Feel like my heart is exploding.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Don't think about your heart, okay? Think about something nice.
Think about me in "Nan-too-kay" saving lives.
You're drowning, you're in the ocean.
I'm barely keeping my head above water.
Yes, but I pull you in on my little flotation device that I've carried around my arm and run to the water with, and I give you CPR and I press your stomach the right amount of times.
Like, 13 or Regardless, I save your life.
How does that make you feel? Like we're not communicating, like there's things I want to say but I can't say.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry, Ben, I'm just really freaking out.
No, dude, don't be sorry.
How can I expect us to communicate? You're on a different latitude.
I know what I got to do.
Do not take me to the hospital.
Okay, I have a very complicated history with male nurses.
You're not going anywhere, okay? I'm coming to you.
What is? Oh.
Starts off horribly, but it's really nice.
Hi.
Happy Halloween.
Yeah.
Take it off.
Oh.
Will you hold that? Yeah.
Very nice.
Okay.
Yeah.
What now? Well, what would you normally do at a party like this? I'd probably I'd walk up to him Yeah And then I'd, like, give him one of those weird political handshakes and then be like, "Why did I use two hands?" Definitely do something better.
Hey.
Okay.
Thanks for making it to the I did that.
Hey.
I did that.
Wow.
I'm gonna get you a drink.
I kissed him.
You really nailed it.
I was like, "Hello," and then I kissed him, except I didn't even say hello.
It's like I just let my lips do the talking, which is what they normally do.
Yeah.
I'm a big slut.
No, you're not, but you've got the whole night ahead of you.
The good news is, these are definitely hitting me.
The bad news is that I'm missing people that I haven't seen in a really long time so profoundly that I I feel it in my face and and my body and then places that I don't want to feel it, - like in my legs.
- Oh.
I don't want to feel it in my legs.
I can't remember why I took these.
Was it to paint you? It was to guide me.
It was to guide you.
It was to guide you.
Where are you going? Trick-or-treaters.
There could be a hot mom.
Trick or treat! Hi.
Terrific.
A welcome and a hello.
These all yours? You've given birth so many times.
Um I freaked out.
That mom was so hot.
I wasn't ready for that hot of a mom.
What are we doing? This night shouldn't be going like this.
What do you mean? I don't know, man.
Don't listen to me, okay? Maybe we need a change of venue.
Okay, let's forget about the hot moms.
Yeah.
Let's go to that guy Steve's party, flirt with some girls pre-moms.
Or we go to the club.
No.
Let's go to the party.
Okay.
Okay, better, funner, done-er.
That makes more sense the second time you say it.
This is amazing.
Um, so I've got to go rob some South American-Americans, so I'm going to see you later.
Okay, have fun.
Okay, I love you.
You're a criminal.
What are you guys supposed to be? Oh, my That didn't feel like it went great.
Did not feel like it went good.
What are you guys doing here? Hey Up! Kate.
Why are you talking like that? Nothing's talking like that.
No, we're just checking out the party, just checking, making sure everything's safe, you know, checking the candy, make sure there's no razor blades! Czech Republic! What's wrong with you guys? Cute costumes.
Right? Hers is literally the same one she wore when she was little.
I'm going to find a prince and give him a happy ending.
Hey.
Mmm.
You know, it helps if you actually drink it.
This is fun.
This is not what I'm used to.
I mean, normally I am a mess.
I'm overthinking everything.
Emotionally I'm all over the place.
Like, watch out 'cause one minute I'm laughing and the next minute I'm crying for no apparent reason, but it's probably just because I'm really tired.
Whoa.
See, I don't just look at me, I'm just so tired.
Sorry.
No, no, it's that's okay.
I'll I'll, uh, get you a tissue or Oh, thanks.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
Hi.
Hey, how you doing? Do you want one? Yeah, I need one.
What's her problem? I don't know.
This is it.
See those girls over there? We totally need to go talk to 'em.
- I don't know, man.
- I'm not feeling this party.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do you're gonna fake a heart attack and I'm gonna save your life in front of them.
Ben, I can't Yeah, yeah, this is perfect.
Hey, everybody, heads up.
My buddy is having a heart attack.
No, I am not.
Dude, you've been doing this to me all night.
Stop looking at me, party.
Okay, it looks like he's feeling a little bit better, but I still might need some help, especially from these two women here.
Just by myself somewhere.
Let me just check on him.
Hey.
I am sorry I freaked out, but I think I'm mad at you.
You know what? Go with this.
I'm your guide, remember? It's just that, earlier tonight, I said I wanted to go to the club, but you didn't even consider it.
You just said, "No, this is what we're going to do.
" What was that, man? Oh, my God, I totally did that.
And it's like, you're my best friend.
How could I do that to you? And when you left to Sacramento, that was fine, but then you came back and you expected everything to be the same.
I just expect it to be on my terms.
I just blow in and out.
I'm a I'm an emotional carny.
When you were gone, I did new things, Ben, okay? I even got really into dancing, for instance, and I wanted to show you, man.
You wanted to go to the club.
I just wanted to go to the club! I said no.
Ben, I have become an excellent dancer.
Tommy show me.
This is called "move your shoulder real slow-like.
" Yeah.
Hey, is anybody in there? Hello.
Someone needs to use the restroom.
You're fantastic.
Hey, come on.
What the hell are you guys doing? What? We are saving a friendship.
Get out of my house.
Okay.
That feels like a good call.
Yeah, we should probably get.
We'll probably take off now.
Yeah, mm-hmm.
BJ.
Shh.
Okay, sweetheart, you've ruined my night and I need to talk to you about it.
Okay, so, just gonna pop some coffee on.
Hey, there's Kate.
Hey, you mind giving us a second? Yeah.
You know, I'm gonna see what's up with that dog.
Hey, dog, what are you doing? Crazy night, huh? Yeah.
Man, I could go for a sandwich.
Hey, if you could be any sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be? Ben, I No, I'm serious.
I'm completely serious right now.
I don't know, I'd probably be a BLT.
Mmm.
You know what I love about them? This is gonna sound weird, but the mayonnaise.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I need to be a person who listens and respects that that's who you are.
And you know what? Tonight I just thought it would be a really good idea to put spicy mustard all over myself.
But that's not who you are.
No, it's not at all.
And you know what? When I try to act like a BLT with spicy mustard all over me, I attract big jerks.
Mm-hmm.
Who have really poor taste in sandwiches.
I know.
I'm just gonna stick to being a BLT.
I think that's a good call.
Hey, I got you something.
Oh, my God, full size? This is like gold on Halloween.
I know.
I saved it for you.
Why do they call fun size "fun size" when full size is the fun size? Ow! What? Oh, my God.
What's wrong? Where'd you get this? I don't know.
I don't remember.
Oh, my God, Ben.
Oh, my God.
Hey, somebody help us! Look, I know I cried wolf earlier about that whole heart attack thing, but my sister is bleeding heavily from the mouth! I think there was a razor blade in the candy! I got you.
You caught me when my guard was down, okay? I'm vulnerable.
I was hungry.
I was super hungry.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And in that very moment, the beautiful blonde queen realized how foolish she'd been to tell the adorably frumpy young scientist that she should be like everyone else.
And so it was, the queen gave up her one chance at the magic cream and sacrificed her luminous, dewy, flawless complexion just so she could tell the princess scientist how very, very special she is.
Why didn't the queen just order the cream online? I just told you, she couldn't afford it.
If you want to be the best princess scientist in the land, Maddie, you're going to need to learn how to listen.
Okay? Hi.
Oh, excuse me.
Are you okay? The Oh, no, no, that's it's it was a joke.
I'm sure it was funny, but that looks really real.
God, can you believe this party? I swear it's getting louder.
Yeah, no, it's really obnoxious.
It's horrible.
Do they not think that there are children in this neighborhood? I know, right? Mine is trying to sleep right now.
Got to take her to my ex-wife's tomorrow.
Probably gonna ream me out.
Oh, surprise, surprise.
It's not easy being a single dad.
God, I'm so tired.
I'm sorry.
That got weird.
I'm Kate.
Hi I'm Will.
Sorry.
No.
Do you think I'm crazy that I want to call the cops on these people? No.
I've wanted to call the cops all night.
Oh, hell, yes.
Yeah.
Let me guess, uh, Babe Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Yeah.
Yeah? It's great.
Yes, that's it.
Ooh, yes, hi.
I would like to to file a complaint.
There is a very noisy party at, uh, 10723 Hemingway Drive.
Yeah, it's extremely loud! Yeah.
Hell, yes, I'll hold.
It's like music has become irrelevant, you know.
We live in, like, a post-music world.
Hey, sorry for not being sober enough to stop you from doing that cannonball in that empty pool.
And sorry for being the guy to say, "Hey, Tommy, do the cannonball.
" I almost died.
That was serious.
Man, your body is a Wonder Ball or a water bra.
No uh, your body is a waterfall.
Love you, too, man.
Yeah, nice.
Aah, see, it's when I it's when I move at any moment, it hurts.