Better With You s01e06 Episode Script

Casey! Spider.
I'm on it.
Wait.
Not with the "instyle.
" I haven't used all the free perfume yet.
Aah! No.
Not with the good dish towel.
Those are just for show.
Fine.
Okay, Mr.
Spider.
Come back and bite me When you're radioactive.
Spider.
On my count.
One, two, three.
Where is it? Is it on me? Whoa! It's like they're all over me! Ugh! Really? We already did it last week, Vicky.
I'm not a machine.
Go back to sleep.
It was just a spider.
Sure it was.
Tell your spider to come back Friday.
I have to say, the firehouse looks great.
You guys did an amazing job with the renovations.
Casey, where do you want the Box of wigs? Well, Halloween's coming up, so just throw it on a table.
See, the thing is, Maddie hates Halloween, Because it's also her birthday.
Really? Her birthday's on Halloween? That's awesome! Not really, Because Halloween always seems to steal the spotlight.
Least she knows when her birthday is.
All my parents told me is may-ish.
Well, if this one could've kept Maddie inside her For four more hours, we wouldn't have this problem.
Well, you didn't help.
He kept telling me to cross my legs.
That's not how it works, Joel.
You gotta understand.
It's brutal for her.
She wants to have a nice birthday party Like everybody else and invite her friends, But who shows up? A skeleton, bill Clinton, Two slutty clowns, and a regular clown.
We weren't that slutty.
And last year we booked dinner at a fancy restaurant, but Everything looks so amazing here.
This is gonna be a great birthday dinner.
Hi.
I'm Darth waiter, And I'll be your waiter.
I need to find a place that she can have a birthday party That's completely Halloween-free.
Well, how about here? Yeah, I mean, it'll give us a reason to totally clean up, And then I can get rid of that creepy headless mannequin Wearing my Jean jacket and playing the guitar.
His name is Carl, and I have known him since fourth grade.
Hey.
Mia just suggested we have your birthday party here.
Doors that lock.
Windows that close.
Yeah.
I think we could keep Halloween out of this place.
They call it "the devil's Christmas," you know.
Oh, I know.
Come on, men.
Let's help out the girls And go get some more boxes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, shotgun.
Do not let the sweat suit fool you.
I have no interest in sweating.
So, how you holding up? I'm good.
It's our first place.
it's so romantic.
Oh, yeah, it is romantic, but it can also be a little unsettling When you see behind the curtain.
What is that? Once you start living with someone, you find out A lot of things you didn't know about them.
When Ben and I first moved in together, I found out That when he thinks he's alone, he gives himself pep talks.
Okay.
You are going to go into work And assistant night-manage that hotel like a champ.
Why? Because you're Ben frickin' coles, that's why.
Well, that's just Ben.
Just because he does weird stuff doesn't mean everyone else does.
Oh, no, no.
Your father does weird stuff, too.
He swallows eggs whole Like a snake.
I think he dislocates his jaw.
Seeing behind each other's curtain Is when the romance and the mystery start to Die.
They just die.
Okay, we'll make all of Maddie's favorites.
Mia will make her Rosemary chicken, And I will bring my prizewinning cheese bread.
Second prizewinning.
The only reason Barbara Ryerson won Is because she showed so much cleavage.
I don't know what men see in that.
If she unhooked those things, they'd be on the floor.
And I'll take care of the cake.
Okay.
Good meeting.
And I'll deal with the trick-or-treaters.
That way Halloween will not get in the way of the party.
Honey, they're leaving.
Oh.
Bye, guys! See ya later.
Bye! So Are you excited about your birthday? Yeah, and I'm really excite.
Which present is that? The present that you're getting me.
Oh.
You know what you want for your birthday.
That's great.
Good one, Ben.
You know what I want.
I've only told you, like, six times Over the past four months.
All right.
You can do this, Ben.
You can figure out what she asked for, 'cause guess what time it is.
It's Ben time.
Up top! I can't believe we're finally moving in.
Everything's starting to feel so real.
I know, and it's Awesome.
Yeah.
Mwah.
I have to ask you something.
Anything.
Have you seen my antifungal cream? That needs to stay behind the curtain.
What? Yeah, apparently there's this curtain that gets pulled back When you start living together, and then you see all the gross And disturbing things that you never knew about each other.
Well, I really think we should just keep the curtain closed, You know? No peeing with the door open.
No burping Really loud and trying to high-five the other person.
That was, like, a record-setting Just no.
Okay? If you want to do it, do it behind your curtain.
Just because we're living together doesn't mean We can't have a little mystery.
Deal.
It's kind of a relief, actually.
Now I don't have to tell you what's in that box.
I have your birthday present.
Here we go.
Open it right now.
Uh, well, this is a bit of a shock, 'cause traditionally You give me my present three weeks after my birthday And even then it's just a photocopy of something That's shipping in two more weeks.
Okay.
You're not gonna save the paper.
Just open it.
Aw.
You got me An old box that says "Casey" on it.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
And is locked Yeah.
And confuses me.
Well, Casey and I decided that we wouldn't look Behind each other's curtains, and then he said, "good, because that means I don't have to show you What's inside that box.
" well, you can't open this.
Exactly, but it's a dilemma, 'cause it's definitely gonna get opened.
So I was thinking that maybe you could open it, And you would just be doing what people did on their birthdays For thousands of years.
That's what you lawyers call "precedent.
" are you sure about this? Come on, Maddie.
I have to know, don't I? I mean, he shocks me by the stuff he does show me.
Well, all right.
We're gonna need, uh, a knife or a Bobby pin Or a Small crowbar.
What is it? It's a videotape.
What's on it? Right.
You have no way of knowing that.
Let's watch it? No.
We can't.
Can we? We've come too far.
We have to see this thing through.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Wait.
What are we doing? I haven't had a VCR in nine years.
You gotta help me figure out what Maddie wants For her birthday.
Why don't you just ask her? Because she told me a million times.
If I ask her now, then I'm just the guy that doesn't listen To his girlfriend.
You are the guy who doesn't listen to his girlfriend.
But she talks all the time! Why don't you ask her assistant at work? Glen? Eh, I don't want to talk to that guy.
He's weird.
And not like you weird.
Bad weird.
Gotcha.
I tried fishing around with Maddie, But I didn't get anywhere.
Hey, I was just, uh, wondering How I'm gonna lug that present of yours up the stairs, Because it's so heavy? It's not that heavy.
No.
Uh, obviously the gift isn't heavy.
No, no.
I just meant the stairs would be heavy If I ever had to lift them up your Gift.
Hey, just, uh, wondering, Do you want me to put your gift in a box before I wrap it? Why would you do that? It already comes in a Bo Save the environment.
Good call.
It's too bad you didn't already have your present.
Could've used it while you were out today.
No, I couldn't.
It's raining.
Of course.
Because it can't get wet.
I know what it is.
It's simple.
She wants a gun.
What? Not that heavy.
Comes in a box.
Can't get wet.
Can shoot stuff.
She never said "shoot stuff.
" no, but she wants to.
Dude, did you see how she looked at me When she threw my wigs on the ground? We need to use your VCR.
You still have a VCR, right? Of course.
We just had it serviced.
And we need you to leave.
We are looking behind Casey's curtain.
Ooh! This is gonna be good.
No.
No, no.
No.
No, Vicky.
I remember the first time I walked in and saw behind your mom's curtain.
She was putting on panty hose.
There are some things you can't UN-see.
You ready? Yeah.
Klaus ist hier.
Schliessen sie die tur! What the hell is this? I think it's a German TV show.
With a laugh track.
It's a comedy.
Germany's weird.
Even their comedies are scary and oddly threatening.
That's Casey's song "death love demon.
" What? Yeah, I heard his band play it the night we got pregnant.
Oh, sometimes I worry about that kid in there.
But why why would he keep this a secret? And I can't even ask him because then he'd know I looked at the tape.
What are you doing? Fast-forwarding.
There's gotta be some sex on this tape.
Honestly, it's the only reason I watched it.
Hey, Glen.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Ben coles, The "love of Maddie's life.
" Why did you use quotes on that? Why did you? Okay, look, I need a little favor.
Yes? Maddie told me what she wanted for her birthday, But I can't remember what it is.
Oh.
The movie takes a turn.
What movie is that, Glen? Well, in romantic comedies, the girl always dates the jerk Before realizing that the guy she's meant to be with Has been under her nose the entire time.
And we're all starring in this movie? You're bill Pullman.
Don't know what that means.
Listen, can you help me or not? It not that heavy.
It comes in a box.
Oh, I know what it is, mr.
perfect hair! And when it becomes clear that you forgot, Guess who's going to swoop in and give it to her? Is it you? I'm not going to say.
I don't want to give away the ending.
But I think bill Pullman dies.
You do not have to spend upwards of $15 on Halloween candy.
These knockoff candies I got from Chinatown Are just as good.
I-I don't know what the f.
D.
A.
's problem is.
I know.
Who wouldn't enjoy a delicious twax? Ah.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Putney, I need your help.
Maddie has told me, like, six times What she wants for her birthday, But for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.
So far, all I know is that it's not that heavy, It can't get wet, and it comes in some sort of packaging.
I got it.
An umbrella.
An umbrella? I just said it can't get wet.
I thought you said it should get wet.
What kind of present should get wet? A fish should get wet.
Is it a fish? Why don't you get her a new couch? Your couch sucks.
I, uh, I don't mean to offend, But how much have you had to drink tonight? You know, here's something that might help.
Uh, we got Maddie a briefcase, and she said It would go really well with the present you got her.
Goes well with a briefcase.
Not that heavy.
Comes in a box.
Can't get wet.
Six.
I'm sorry.
What? You asked me how much I've had to drink, And the answer is six.
We've got to find something that explains the German TV show.
Did he live in Germany? Are his parents German? Why is he hiding this? I think I've got it.
I just found a fake passport In the name of "Casey Davenport.
" That's not fake.
That's his last name.
Is it? Yeah.
You didn't know that? No.
Oh.
Mia Davenport.
That sounds good.
I know.
I'm really excited.
Hey, guys.
Hey, honey.
Hi.
Watch this.
I can get him to admit it, And he'll never know you watched the tape.
Great.
So, Casey I was just telling Mia that my favorite thing to do When I'm in Europe is to watch foreign TV.
You watched my tape.
Okay.
I'm gonna go.
Sorry, buddy.
Look, I know I shouldn't have opened the box and I shouldn't Have looked at the tape, but I have to know, what is it? It's the number one sitcom in Germany.
It's called "ein perfektes paar.
" They use our song as their theme song.
That seems really cool.
Why is it a secret? It's the most shameful moment of my life the moment I sold out.
You got paid for that? Yeah, a lot.
I get a check every month.
How did you think I made money? I don't know, but I have been too afraid to ask, T that is really good news.
No, it's terrible.
I can't believe you watched that.
You betrayed me, and you look amazing, And I am really mad at you right now.
But what was that ddle thing you just said? I said you look amazing.
But I am still mad! It's lessened a little by how adorable you are, But it is still there, sister! Hey, Happy Birthday, sweetie.
What cor is that bag, dad? Is it pink or is it orange? Because orange is a Halloween color! No.
It's something called "coral.
" That that's not Halloween.
That's that's the ocean.
You you can't be mad at the ocean, baby.
I sold out.
I traded my soul for the almighty deutsche mark.
I did the same thing.
My heart was always in human resources, But they were paying 32 cents an hour more in legal So I, too, went for the big money grab.
So how do you know Maddie? I'm going to marry her.
All right.
Good talk, crazy dude.
Hey.
So are you still mad at me? Mm Yep.
I've apologized over and over.
I mean, what more do you want me to do? If I think of something, I'll put it in a box And tell you not to look in it.
So you, uh, you figure out that present yet? No.
All I heard was that it goes well with a briefcase, Isn't that heavy, comes in a box, can't get wet.
I'm dead.
Come on.
Come here.
Come here! I am gonna let you in on a husband trick, And I really shouldn't do this, Because you're not technically a husband, So don't tell anybody.
If you ever forget a present, An anniversary, or mess up in any way, here is what you do You go big.
I'll go big.
Get her a diamond.
Women love 'em.
Diamonds forgive anything! All right.
I got a guy.
He stays open late especially for situations like yours.
And, Ben, whatever you do Use my name.
I get a discount for referrals.
Are you sure this is gonna work? You think Vicky got that bracelet Because she wanted it? No! She got that because I snuck off To Murphy's bar to watch a giants play-off game While she was giving birth to Mia.
Well, shouldn't you have been watching Maddie? That's why she got the bracelet! Hi.
I need your help.
I'm in big trouble here.
My girlfriend told me what she Okay.
Slow down, buddy.
What happened? Did you cheat on her? What?! No.
So no affair? That's gonna save you some money.
Did she find you watching porn? No, I don't do that.
Of course.
Nobody does.
Why don't I just tell you what I did? My girlfriend told me what she wanted for her birthday, like, A hundred times, but I-I didn't listen.
Oh.
That's disgusting.
Joel putney referred me.
I need to go big.
Mia? Hey, Ben.
Hey, Maddi mm? You wanna open my present? Oh.
Maybe we should wait for Ben.
Oh, my God.
Did anyone see where Ben went? I'm right here, Maddie.
Movie's almost over, Ben.
It sure is, Glen.
Maddie, you know how much I love you.
Oh, calm down.
It's not an engagement ring.
Ohh.
I know this is not what you asked for, But it is what you deserve.
I love you.
Happy Birthday.
A diamond necklace! Oh, it's so beautiful! Ohh! Thank you so much.
This is way better than an An ipad! You wanted an ipad.
Well, not anymore.
It's just a giant iphone anyway.
Roll credits, bitch.
Hey.
Can I talk to you for a second? All right.
Look, I'm really sorry about what happened, And to show you how sorry, I got you something.
You can't just buy my forgiveness with a present.
It's a diamond earring.
Really? Yeah.
How many karats is it? Do you know a lot about karats? No.
It's 12.
Cool.
Look, I realize the curtains were a terrible idea.
I want to know everything about you The good, the bad, the German.
I love you so much that nothing you could show me Could make me love you less.
Okay.
So no more curtains.
I want to know everything.
Okay.
Let's get it all out.
All right.
Um, well, I wake up To brush my teeth so I don't have morning breath.
I bite my toenails.
Okay.
I still love you.
I can't remember your middle name.
It's John.
I didn't start going to school till I was 12.
I sucked my thumb until I was 13.
I lied about my middle name.
It's Marion.
Well, I still love you, Casey Marion Davenport.
Dad, you have so much Of this knockoff Halloween candy leftover.
Did no one want it? No.
You know, kids nowadays they're so ungrateful.
That had chocolate in it.
In my day, we would've been to be fair, get anything This almond boy doesn't have any chocolate in it.
Oh, and f.
Y.
I.
, the second ingredient is cotton.
You should try the sour patch men With the Ross's pieces.
They make a foam.
These, uh, tac tacs are actually, um, Quite minty and refreshing.
Mm.
Oh.
Now they're They're gettin' warm.
Now they're hot.
Burning my mouth.
Oh, God.
It hurts.
I need ice.
I need ice! How much to finish all this? No, honey.
Don't do it.
This candy is not safe.
It'll make you sick.
I'll give you 20 bucks.
I'm in for 50.
I'll throw in 20.