Big Nate (2022) s01e06 Episode Script

- Argh! Walk the plank!
- [loud wailing]
- [groans]
There goes another one.
- [wailing continues]
- My sister Ellen
and her boyfriend Gordie
broke upagain!
It's pretty much
wrecking everything.
Please enjoy this
deeply disturbing flashback
to see what I mean.
- Nothing like a little
father and son bonding,
don't you think?
- [loud sobbing]
- [screams]
Huh, only a little expired.
- [loud sobbing]
- Ah!
Awwoof!
- Gah!
- Ow! Dad!
- Shh.
- Is she done?
- [loud wailing]
- Ah!
- [sobbing]
- [groans]
This can't go on.
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay
Detention again
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Big Nate
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
- If a year's worth of sugar
and cheesy romance novels
gets my sister to stop crying,
I'm game.
- "The Purposefully
Accidental Bride."
Ooh, "Crabby Lust",
"Love Doth Know No Calories?"
Mmm.
You old enough
for these, brother?
- [chuckles] Yeah, brother.
Pretty sure I am.
- Hey, Zudy, one more restock
on Jane Steele's new book.
- Huh. This Jane Steele lady,
she's pretty popular, huh?
- Uh, yeah, little bro.
Romance novels
are major cash cows.
- [gasps] Cash cow?
- I totally would've written
a bunch of these myself by now,
but I need inspiration,
you know?
I need a muse.
- A muse, huh?
Ellen! Breakup present.
You're welcome.
- People that say
"you're welcome"
without getting thanked
are lame.
- [groans]
- Oh, my God, I know.
- [groans]
- I can't believe it either.
Yeah, seriously.
Why can't the guys
in real life be like
the ones in the Jane Steele
books, you know?
- Romance novels
are major cash cows.
All you need is
a muse, muse, muse.
[cow mooing]
- Moo, moo, moo.
- All these thought bubbles
are giving me a bright idea.
Time to turn
Ellen's teenage turmoil
into cold hard cash.
- I couldn't believe it either.
I mean we both know
there's someone else, right?
I wish somebody was out there,
somebody who would--
- Okay, so we open
with a princess,
sad and alone,
and really bad at singing.
Like, animals die
when she sings.
- [wailing]
- Then some prince dumps her,
so she's acting all lame
and crying and stuff.
But then she meets
a headless farmhand.
Oh, yeah.
They get married and have
lots of weird babies
and everything's great.
But then, Headless Guy
totally runs off
with her best maiden, leaving
the princess alone again,
but now with two babies
to care for.
And finished!
"Belle's a Ringin: A Tale of
Love, Loss, and Headless Lust."
Hey, hey, I know
what you're thinking.
Borrowing Ellen's pathetic life
for my own personal gain.
Uncool.
But hey, it's not like
she's gonna know.
Okay, let's see, let's see.
Fine print, fine print.
Rules, rules, rules,
rules, rules.
Submission guidelines.
Ooh, ooh!
I get to pick a pen name.
Wayneuh--
[dog howls]
Canine, attorney at law.
Profile photo? Uh-oh.
Okay, let's see.
"Super awesome
guy man dude person."
Huh. I guess this guy
looks pretty cool.
Yeah, just needs a mustache.
Ha! The resemblance is uncanny.
- I think it's fine.
Imitation is the
highest form of flattery.
- But you faked your identity.
What if you get caught?
- Hey, we're talking about
getting rich, Francis.
Money trumps ethics.
- Time is up, little ones.
- Already?
- Oh, man!
- Nate Wright and friends,
I am full of regret,
but I will need to receive
my pork butt back now.
[sniffs]
Delightful to the touch.
Is very good job
of meat tenderizing.
You will all receive
extra helping of cricket
at snack time.
- Ew!
- [groans]
- Oh, great.
What are we gonna do now?
Pork punching is, like, the
only safe activity out here.
- [humming] Ah!
[whistle blows]
[electrical zapping]
[children screaming]
- [snickering]
[grunts]
Worth it.
Yay!
- Well, hello, kiddos.
Fine sunny afternoon
for recess, isn't it?
- Are you joking?
This place looks like
it's been decimated
by a tornado.
[children scream]
- [chuckles] Oh, please.
This playground is old school.
Nah, you're getting
a true recess experience.
- Oh, no. Not again!
- Someone must've taken down
the soft pavement
warning signs.
Let me go lookay into that.
Gotta go!
[monster screeching]
- [groans]
- Oof!
[phone rings]
- Hello? Emotionally stable
household here.
- Yes, hello there, young man.
Can I please speak
with your father?
- Oh, he said
he sent the money
and to please stop
turning the water off.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm looking for Mr. Canine.
[dog howls]
Mr. Wayne Canine,
attorney at law?
- Oh, yeah!
Okay, uh, back in a jiffy.
Wayne! I mean, uh, uh,
Dad, phone!
[clears throat]
[deep voice]
Hello, Wayne Canine speaking.
[dog yelps]
- Samantha Stoneheart, editor
at Page Turners Inc. here.
We truly loved
your graphic novel.
- Oh, wow.
As you can tell
from my deep, mature,
and fully gone through
puberty voice,
I am overjoyed to hear this.
- Now we just need
to discuss your quote.
- [munching]
My, uh, my quote?
- We do have to pay you for
your first book, Mr. Canine.
[cow moos]
- Mm, yes, of course.
I would like 30
bags of cheesy snacks, please.
- You're sure
you only want 30 bags?
- Oh. I meant 30 hundred--
300 bags.
- Great. Consider it done.
We'll need the other five books
as required in your contract.
Just send me a list
of what you'd like as payment.
- Five other books?
- Okay, guys,
new plan for recess today.
- Anything to get out
of thorn bush tag.
[children yelping]
- Yikes.
- Hey, do I have anything
on my face?
I think the pain centers
in my brain shut down.
Oh!
- Ugh!
- So what's your recess
plan, Nate?
- Oh, you guys
are gonna love it.
You're all gonna
help me write five novels.
- Yes!
- What?
- Bro, you know I would do
anything for you.
Not really.
But why are we getting
roped into your problem?
- [chuckles]
300 bags of cheesy snacks
enough rope for you?
- Yup, that'll work.
- That's a lot of
Thiamine mononitrate.
- Yeah and that's
just the beginning.
They said they'd meet
whatever our demands are
for the next batch.
Here's the deal.
We spy on everyone we know,
borrow their life stories,
use our imaginations
to make them sound
actually interesting.
I draw up the art,
bada-bing, bada-boom,
five more graphic novels.
I mean, it's so complicated,
it might just work.
Dee Dee, stick to Nichols.
- On it.
- I know Mother,
but speed dating
just isn't what it used to be--
- [chatter]
- My love handles?
Do not make this
about my diet, Mother!
- Francis, you handle Godfrey.
- Location? Rackleff.
Hobbies? Cats.
Six things
I can't live without?
Well, I have seven cats
so I'm going to skip this one.
It wouldn't be fair
to Jermaine du-Purr.
- Teddy,
you've got Uncle Pedro.
- Hey, Uncle Pedro.
Do you have any fun stories
from middle school?
- And Chad, you have
the most dangerous job of all.
Chad?
- [giggling]
- What is he up to now?
- I'm almost there.
I'm almost there!
- Ugh, come on, Chad!
You can do it!
[all scream]
All right, no more vertical
slide for you this week, okay?
We need you in one piece.
- Okay, okay.
I promise.
- Now, I need you
to get some intel
on the girls in our grade,
okay, pal?
- Okay, Nate.
- And I'm on Ellen
rebound patrol.
Now, everyone scurry
in different directions.
Ready? Go.
[grunting] C'mon, Chad.
Let's go get you a chew toy.
- [grunting]
[chuckles]
Nate, what are you up to now?
[evil laughter]
Huh? Ah!
He's ok, but like he needs
to commit to his chin straps.
- Gotta write this down.
Gotta write this down.
Come on. Stupid bag.
Got it! But wait, am I in the--
[gasps]
[screams]
- Um, you okay in there?
- [high-pitched] Um, yes.
- Are you sure?
- Please go away!
- All right, fine.
Don't wanna hurt you.
- [sighs]
[yelps] Oh!
What do I do, what do I do,
what do I do, what do I do?
[loud groaning]
- [screams]
-There's no escape!
- I wonder
if this one's any good.
- This guy, Wayne Canine,
he's been making waves lately.
- Hmm
"Belle's A Ringin'," eh?
- One, you're like
a dream come true
- No, no!
- Two, just wanna
Be with you
Three
- Pew, pew, pew!
- It's like this book
was written for me.
And the author
is a low key snack.
Do you have a signed copy?
- No, but he's a local,
so I'm sure you can get one.
You know, I've been known to do
a little writin' myself,
mostly on my back.
- Yeah, okay, whatever, Zeff.
Did you say that Wayne Canine
is from Rackleff?
Amelia? Okay, I am obsessed.
Okay, so my fan petition
is to get him
to do a reading in town.
Will you sign?
Yay! I love you. Mwah!
- Butt cheeks,
do-do-da-do-do-do-da
Butt cheeks, yeah
Butt cheeks,
do-do-da-do-do-do-da
Butt cheeks
Butt cheeks, yeah
- [screams]
- Huh?
Wait
this isn't my litterbox.
Someone get me out of here!
Anyone, please.
- [laughs] All right.
Five books finished, time to
enjoy the fruits of our labor.
- Sweet! Matching outfits.
- Whoa!
- This is very suspicious,
Nate Wright.
- Nate, did you order a--
- A tiger!
We'll call her Linda.
- [roars]
- Ha! "The Cat Lady's Desire."
What the mustard sauce is this?
I'll take this as well,
young man.
- All right,
just a few more pennies.
- Principal Nichols!
- [yelps]
- This cat lady
remind you of anyone?
- I don't have time
to deal with this.
We had another student fall off
the vertical slide today.
- Fine, fine.
What about this spectacled owl?
Looks a tad like you,
doesn't he?
I'm sorry, Clara.
It's probably just
an enormous coincidence,
a'ight?
- Well, I for one am going
to this book signing
and demanding answers
from this Wayne Canine.
[dog howls]
- [sighs]
Hm, "chubby speed dating
headmaster
with an inherited
glandular problem."
[chuckles]
That sounds a lot like--what?
- So thanks to me, Wayne Canine
will be doing a book signing
in Rackleff.
[dog howls]
And I get to meet him.
- I think that's great, Ellen.
If it's okay with you,
I'd love to join.
- [groans] Okay, fine.
But just don't, like,
be super weird about it.
- We're doomed.
We're gonna get so busted.
- It's okay, it's okay.
Dee Dee's got this.
All we need is a real life
Wayne Canine.
[dog howls]
Whose dog is that?
- As in an adult to play along
with our plan?
- No, we need someone
so forgettable
and unrecognizable,
that not a soul in Rackleff
will suspect a thing.
- Well, yeah,
but how can we find someone
so utterly pathetic
and completely unknown?
- [yelps]
- [chuckles]
- Nate Wright,
whose tiger is in the yard?
- Okay, I'm really,
really sorry.
But Dad,
I did it for the family.
All right, it was
purely selfish.
Will you please
just help us, Dad?
Think of Ellen,
your only daughter.
I mean if Wayne Canine is
a no-show at the book signing,
she's gonna be heartbroken
all over again.
She needs you.
I need you, Dad.
[all whimpering]
- [sniffles]
- Wow, Dad.
You look, uh, like--
- A handsome detective--
[gasps] right?
- Uh, yeah, okay, sure.
that's totally
what I was gonna say.
Now remember, you're gonna
have me in your ear
for the question
and answer part
so I can feed you
"author jargon."
I'll be right outside
the book store
in a creepy old station wagon.
- You mean my station wagon?
- Yeah, yeah,
that's the station wagon.
- Here's the plan.
I'll be manning base command.
Teddy, you run
in-store surveillance.
Francis, you're with Nate.
And Chad, you--
Chad?
Has anybody seen Chad?
- Who's Chad?
[desolate music]
- [deep voice]
Do you have anything
to say for yourself, Henry?
[high-pitched] Those mulch
piles were public property.
I had every right.
[gasping]
I will have order.
Order in this court, I say.
Order!
[gasps]
Ah, delivery is here, sweetie.
Oh! [sniffs]
[rabid munching]
- Dad, are we carpooling?
- Be down in a jiff,
sweetheart.
Oh, oh, um, we gotta bring
Nate and his friends, okay?
We're, uh, fumigating.
- Ugh, Dad!
- Cheese and rice, Martin.
This was your chance
to bond with your daughter.
Don't blow this!
[mustache tears] Ah!
- [chuckles]
- Hey, why don't you all
head in. I have to--
- Okay, I'll save you
a spot maybe.
- Okay, you've got like
t-minus five seconds
to become Wayne again, Dad.
- Hey, look, he's here.
It's Wayne Canine!
- Oh, hey, uh, hi.
Nice to meet you.
Thanks for coming out.
- Excuse me, Mr. Canine,
make it out to
your, uh, biggest fan.
- [chokes up]
- Thank you, thank you!
Oh, I will treasure
this forever.
- Nate,
I'll be your Wayne Canine
whenever you need me to.
And so they rode on,
through the ozone layer,
on fire,
in real life
and also metaphorically.
The end.
[crowd cheering]
- [laughs] Wow!
I am such a great writer.
Oh, nice work, Dad.
They totally bought it.
- No need to give me
all the cred.
Huh? Ah!
- I have a question.
- Ah, yes.
Uh, the young lady
in the front.
- Hi. Clara Godfrey,
heroic local school teacher--
- No, no, no! Don't call her!
Peligrosa, peligrosa!
- No!
Sorry, sorry,
the lady next to you.
- Hmph!
- [chuckles]
- Whew!
- [screams]
- [grumbling]
- No, Linda,
this is not a chew toy.
[flames roaring]
- Huh?
- [groans]
- Yes, thank you. I was
wondering,
do you have
any new artwork to share?
- Oh, why, I do, actually.
I brought along a little--
- Nate, the owl and cat
are in the coop.
I repeat, they are in the coop.
The only artwork we gave Wayne
is not gonna be a good look.
Everybody, hello?
Is anybody there?
- [groaning]
What's the matter
with this thing?
Ooh, Dee Dee, come in.
- Ah!
[growls]
- [whimpers]
- It's gotta be in here.
Oh, I found it.
The Headmaster and the Cat Lady
in Tabby Temptation.
[both gasp and growl]
- We're too late!
- Well, I guess
that kinda went okay.
- Hey, Mr. Canine!
[all gasp]
- Oh, hi sweet--I mean,
hello again, young lady.
- I just want to tell you,
well, I mean you're
pretty much my idol
and I mean
I basically want to be you.
- Oh, well, uh, I, uh--
- Mr. Canine, are you okay?
- No, no, no!
- [stammering]
I can't continue this charade.
I'm a horrible person.
Why didn't I stay in that well?
Ellen, it's me.
It's your father.
- Dad?
You big jerk!
- Ellen, please, stop!
- How could you do this to me?
[sobs]
- Ellen, wait! I can explain!
She's never gonna forgive me.
- She was already a total
train wreck
so it's a win-win.
Oh, it's Ellen! Scatter, boys!
[brakes screech]
- Dude, your pops
just got kidnapped
by a couple mascots.
- Yeah, yeah, that's my bad.
That totally wasn't Ellen.
- [roars]
all: Dee Dee?
- Need a ride?
- You bet your ferocious
jungle cat we do.
Now, after that
creepy abduction van!
- [roars]
- Ah!
[ball pops and deflates]
[yelps]
Please! I'll give you anything!
Except money.
I don't have that.
- [muffled]
Shut up and sit down.
I'm gonna skewer you
like a kabob
if you don't answer
my questions.
- Oh, um,
it's hard to hear you.
I think because
of the crummy costumes.
Oh! Oh, no!
- How did you
infiltrate P.S. 38?
- Who are you working for?
- Say, aren't you
my kid's teachers?
[mustache tears]
[screams]
[both gasp]
both: Martin Wright?
- I knew Nate was involved!
- Hey, when did she get here?
- I simply cannot believe
you'd co-conspire
with your son.
- I'd do anything for my son!
I think I stood up too fast.
- [roars]
- Wait, wait, wait,
don't hurt him!
It's my fault.
- Nobody's hurting anyone,
Nate.
Mr. Wright,
if you truly love your son,
then you'll understand that
he must be taught a lesson.
- Prison?
- You're gonna take my thumbs?
- What? Goodness, no.
- We've got something
better planned.
It's called "The Pathetic
Love Life of Gnate."
About a boy named Gnate,
with a G,
who's in love with a girl
named GJenny, also with a G.
And even though
they've barely ever spoken,
Gnate somehow thinks
they belong together.
- You wouldn't! I'd be a goner.
Teased for the rest
of my middle school career.
- It wouldn't be too nice
of her to borrow stories
from your personal life
without consent, now would it?
- [groans] No, it wouldn't.
What I did was--it was wrong.
I shouldn't have
exploited my family
or my teachers
for my own personal gain.
It was wrong, and I'm sorry.
[ball pops and hisses]
Ah! But you know what?
I think I know a way
I can make this right.
- You did the right thing
by donating
all of your earnings
to the school.
Guess that
imagination of yours paid off,
didn't it, Nate?
- Whoo-hoo!
This doesn't change
anything, Nate!
- [growling]
- I think we got ourselves
a new mascot.
- Linda is most welcome change.
- Whoo, I'm free!
- [shouting]
[chuckles]
- Butt cheeks,
do-do-da do-do-do-da
Butt cheeks, yeah
Butt cheeks,
do-do-da-do-do-do-da
Butt cheeks
Butt cheeks, yeah
Bu-u-u-utt
Butt cheeks,
it's now or never
Butt cheeks,
hold your legs together
Butt cheeks,
in plaid or pleather
Butt cheeks
make the way forever