Billy and Billie (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

[ Keyboard clacking .]
[ Door opens .]
[ Keys jingle .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Car horn honks .]
[ Sighs .]
[ Exhales sharply .]
Whoa, dude.
Hey.
You scared me.
I am sorry.
[ Sighs .]
I didn't know if I was dreaming or Having a gay fantasy or what.
Yeah.
No, I'm very sorry to disappoint you.
Just me.
[ Chuckling .]
That was wild.
Yep.
Good morning.
Morning.
[ Clears throat .]
Yeah, I'm just grabbing some stuff, man.
Go back to sleep.
WhyAre you half-naked in the room while I'm sleeping? What? You -- I'm just saying.
Why don't we dial it back a bit and figure out why you're in my bed versus out on the couch.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you haven't been here for the last few nights, so And? Well, I just thought I said you could stay for a little white, I didn't say you could sleep in my actual sheets.
I just thought that I didn't want the bed to go to waste.
All right, well, don't second-guess me right now, okay? JustUse the couch.
It's very comfortable.
I promise.
Will do.
Thank you.
So, you've been working late nights or what? [ Sighs exasperatedly .]
Um Yeah, kind of -- i don-- yeah.
Yeah, it's You know, a few.
It's complicated.
Okay.
'Cause we have the, um, the double issue for the anniversary coming up, so Yeah, I've been -- I've been doing some, some, some Yeah.
Not staying with Denise are you? Hey, hey.
don't talk about Denise and me, okay? I'm not kidding.
I wasn't the one who slept with her.
God damn it! Keith kicked you out for eating his fucking crackers, okay? Say one more word about Denise, you're out on the street.
Am I getting through to you? Fine, I get it.
Thank you.
Done.
Great.
I can't believe he told you that.
I wouldn't worry about it.
He's not going around spreading it.
I don't know.
That was private.
That was a private dispute between two former roommates.
Okay, well What a dickhole! he just mentioned it.
Listen, don't worry about it.
Just don't say anything about Denise and me or me and Denise or any of that shit, okay? Do that, sleep in the living room, the rest will take care of itself.
Deal? Hey, this isn't about money for rent or? Tom! Have you heard a word I've said? Do not keep up with the Denise thing at work and sleep out in the living room.
Can you do that, please? Like, now? No.
No.
Get -- just get back in bed.
I-i-I'll see you at work.
Damn it.
Sweet.
Okay, I'll see you later, bud.
[ Sighs .]
Hey.
Hi.
[ Chuckles .]
Is he still at your place? Yeah.
Aren't you worried? Completely.
He's never gonna leave.
You know that, right? No, pretty much.
Yeah.
I know.
I mean, Jesus.
Mm-hmm.
But [Clears throat.]
as long as I'm staying with you Right? don't really have anything to worry about, do we? Do we now? Hey.
Ha ha.
Mm.
I think we're a ways away from moving in together, [chuckling.]
Aren't we? Uh, ha ha.
Mm.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Ugh, brother.
Brother? Yeah? Yes? don't ever make that joke again.
You said my name.
It's not a funny joke, it's lame, and -- I think you were calling and you were calling out in the night for your big brother.
I am pre-- hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
I really like this idea of the two of you working together.
It's very cute.
Ah.
Adorable.
Yeah, brother, sister, on staff.
Step.
Not related.
Whatever.
Still really precious.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You're welcome.
I guess.
Be more precious if we were related, but we're not, so Still kind of nice, though.
Anyway So, uh, we're about to go grab lunch.
Would you like to join? Um Come on.
It'll be fun.
We'll all get to really know each other.
Team building.
Yeah, yeah, no.
I -- the -- I already ordered.
Sorry.
You did.
You ordered.
Yeah, these salads -- i already called.
Yeah, yeah.
Ohh.
Ohhh.
Billie: Yes, I love these salads at this place near here.
The salads are so good.
They are these They're the kind of French ones.
French salads.
Um, and I told you about them.
Yeah.
And I called and I ordered -- i ordered two then.
That sounds delicious.
I can't cancel them, but if you guys want some, I could totally get you guys some French salads.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Um That would be great.
Is it a meatless salad? Because i don't eat meat.
[ Chuckles .]
That's what she said.
What? Forget it.
Whoa.
I think we're fine.
We're on our way out anyway, so maybe another day this week.
Sure.
Billy: Okay.
I -- actually, I don't know when I'll be here again, 'cause a lot of this stuff i can just do at home and then drop off, but, um, sometime soon.
How does that sound? Yeah.
Definitely.
Great.
I look forward to it.
Me, too.
Sounds awesome.
Yeah.
It'll be fun.
You know, as long as it's vegan.
[ Chuckles .]
What? I'm not -- I'm not doing vegan.
I thought you said you were vegetarian.
Me? No, totally vegan.
Oh, no.
Fuck that.
We can walk together, but I'm not doing vegan.
Really? Oh.
I can't.
It's so gross.
Well, i-i could do veggie for today, I guess.
Oh, no, no, no.
Sorry.
Nice one, sis.
Step-sis.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
That's right.
That's right.
[ Singsong voice .]
She's my step-sis.
Hey, I, um I noticed that you didn't take that opportunity to mention our status update to the, uh, office girls.
What? You didn't tell them that we're dating now.
Yeah, I -- that's -- I -- nothing.
I just -- no, well -- I noted it in my very suspicious brain.
Yeah, I don't think the office is the best place to start announcing our You know, whatev-- I didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything.
Well, you did.
Just -- no.
Let's leave it.
Okay, I only brought it up because you -- [ laughs .]
[ Laughing .]
No, for real.
Because you -- you were so gung ho about telling people and -- I am.
I don't want to tell Denise.
She's kind of my boss.
She's -- I mean, she isn't exactly my boss, but -- which means nothing.
It does mean something.
Billie, come on.
You come on.
I'm serious.
Okay, then I -- here's the other thing.
She's a bigmouth, okay? She's a gossip queen.
Okay, so [Laughing.]
in this case, this would tend to be a good thing.
And she's tmz and -- come on.
No.
No.
Look, I'm just asking you a question that's on -- that's not a judgment.
I just -- I noticed it and -- all right, if it's what you want, when she comes back, I will set an appointment with her [ Scoffs .]
and I will make her aware that we're an item.
I will do it.
Yes.
Aww.
Will you? Aww, if that's a Doris day movie, that'd be perfect.
Come on.
Look.
Hey.
"Item.
" Stop it.
Gosh.
She's ve-- she -- honestly, she's -- she's not the first person in the entire world that I think we should be celebrating this with.
Does that mean that I'm not in this with you 100%? No, it doesn't.
I really am.
Cool.
I understand.
Not Denise.
Thank you.
So, who then? Since you've obviously rated all of your friends and colleagues.
I'm just wondering who is the lucky first person that you want to tell.
I mean, in a perfect world.
In a perfect world, I -- [ Clears throat .]
Um, in a perfect world [Sighs.]
I think j-- Johnny Carson would still be with us.
Yeah, he's dead.
In a perfect world.
This isn't a perfect world, so In reality.
Not so easy.
We don't live in a perfect world.
Not so easy.
That's my point.
I know.
[ Sighs .]
You know I want to, though, right? I want to tell people.
I want to tell everybody.
Even Denise and her vegan friend? Karen? Yeah.
Right, her.
Even her? Especially Karen the vegan.
I want to t-- i want to spell it in Kale.
[ Laughs .]
[ Stops .]
Okay.
You just didn't, that's all.
Hey.
You mean everything to me.
I'm serious.
People can see us.
Okay.
Let them see us.
You know I mean it, right? Yeah, I do.
Hey.
Gotta go.
Where you going? Uh, I got to find those French salads, whatever the fuck that means.
[ Chuckles nervously .]
[ Chuckling .]
Okay.
[ Inhales deeply .]
So SoSo, so, so [ Clears throat .]
So give me some cash, bitch.
Oh.
I'm paying.
Fair enough.
Yes, you are.
If you're getting them, you're getting them.
I just started working here.
Thank you.
Okay.
don't be cheap.
I'm not being cheap.
Just give me the m-- don't.
I like -- I like them extra f-French.
I know what you like.
Authentic French salad.
I know what you like.
Hey, Mike.
Hi.
Hi.
Table for one? Actually, no.
I'm picking up an order for Smith.
Oh, great.
I'll check.
Okay, thank you.
Dad? Billie? [ Laughing .]
Hey.
Hi.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? I'm picking up some lunch for Billy and me.
Oh, right, right.
That's right.
You guys areWorking together now or something? Yeah.
If what I heard from your mother is true, is it? No, it is.
I mean, it's freelance, so, you know, we'll see.
Still It's nice to have something.
True.
And you're doing your art, which is just fantastic.
Why is it fantastic? Well, you're doing what you want to do, which is the goal, right? Is it? Well, I think for most people, yes, it is.
Certainly was for me.
Okay.
And you're kind of now getting the chance to live one of yours, to get paid to draw.
I mean, it's for hire, so I'm just drawing girls and beer cans and stuff.
It's commercial art, you're being paid.
I think it's terrific.
And Billy helped you land that? Is that true? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Um Are you eating here or? No, I said we're -- we're just, uh, getting these salads to go.
Oh, god, they make a good nicoise salad, don't they? You've eaten here before? Hmm? You've had the salad here before? UmYeah.
Yes.
And I am thinking about having it again today.
Uh, okay.
Why? It's just a little far from home or, like, your office.
So? Nothing.
Sweetheart, I'm -- I'm in the city all the time.
I'm down in the financial district, over here a lot, too.
Got it, dad.
You don't have to explain.
Sounds like I did.
And look.
What? No cocktails.
Oh, look at you, bill w.
[ Laughs .]
Your mother has finally beaten some sense into me.
It is not, uh, necessary.
I do not need to have a drink before sundown.
It is not mandatory.
Okay.
So, are you meeting someone here? Yep.
Okay.
Dean motts.
You remember him? UhHuh.
You don't remember the motts? "The motts"? No, I don't.
[ Chuckles .]
They used to live like three blocks over from us when we first moved into the house on barker.
Sorry.
Ah, there's no reason for you to remember, but he's a C.
O.
of a tech company, and he wants to talk to me about joining forces or being a consultant for him or something.
Worth a conversation, don't you think? Yeah, it sounds great.
Sure.
We'll see.
So, you guys meet out here? Aren't you like a little detective? Just call me Nancy drew.
It's a tech company, sweetheart, filled with young people.
Cool.
And Dean is somebody who likes to at least pretend he's young, so Got it.
No, that's great.
I'm happy for you.
I hope it works out.
Thank you, young lady.
Mm-hmm.
You want to have a drink with the old man while you're waiting for your food or at least till Dean gets here? Thought you weren't drinking, though.
Ginger ale.
Yikes.
Yeah.
Ginger ale.
Right.
Let's get some Shirley temples while we're at it.
Sure.
Yeah? No.
Oh, actually, here's my food.
Ah.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Let me give you that.
Do you need any change? No, you just keep it.
Thanks, have a good day.
Thanks a lot.
Yeah, you, too.
Too bad.
Aw, okay.
Well, that's fine, baby.
Uh, easy for me to swing by anytime.
Cool.
All right, well, i will see you later.
Oh, um, uh, when are you guys coming up to the house again? Soon, I hope.
Oh, yeah.
Uh, I don't know.
Maybe next weekend.
I want to see Carson.
Ah.
He is the greatest little man.
Yeah, he's awesome.
Sounds good.
Cool.
I love you, baby.
I love you, too, dad.
[ Laughing .]
Okay.
Good to see you.
See you around.
Say hi to Billy for me.
I will.
I will do that.
Bye.
[ Sighs .]
Hi there, sir.
Can I get you anything? Hello there.
[ Chuckles .]
God.
You've got the most beautiful eyes.
[ Chuckles .]
Thank you.
Jack and coke, please.
And, uh, tell Mr.
Jack to beat the shit out of Mr.
coke.
Will do.
[ Chuckles .]
So, I mean, he was there having lunch or a meeting.
So what? Nothing.
Well, you wouldn't -- you know, you wouldn't have brought it up if you thought it was nothing.
Fuck, I don't know.
Maybe it was nothing.
But? But he had that look on his face that, like, something Oh, yeah, sure, that's dad's shit-eating grin.
Yes, yes, yes! Yeah, where he actually looks like he's eating a real piece of shit.
Looks like he's gotten on the actual ground and shoved an actual piece of shit in his mouth, and he's eating it, and you found him.
Yes, that's it.
That is it.
And you caught him with the shit in his mouth.
That's exactly the look, yes.
Yeah.
Huh.
That's interesting.
Right? Yeah.
What if he's fucking doing it again? Like, right after their vow thingie, their ceremony thing? [ Sighs deeply .]
Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
I really -- i really don't know.
I meanProbably not.
What? But -- well, I mean, i just stopped trying to figure out that guy in, like, seventh grade.
I mean, he does what he wants, whenever he wants, doesn't consider the human factor at all or the collateral damage.
He's like one of those b-29 bombers.
What? It's one of those planes that, uh, would drop bombs from so high up in world war ii that everything down below just looked like tiny specks of nothing, therefore, you know, why would they care about those they hurt? Okay.
And I don't know.
Does that mean that he was meeting someone instead of having a meeting? Is he having an affair? Is he having another affair? Who knows.
Better to just not think about it.
Got it.
Nice analogy, by the way.
Thank you.
I wasn't sure how you were gonna bring that back around to what we're actually talking about, but then you did, you fucking weirdo.
[ Chuckles .]
That's why you love me.
Probably do.
Shut up.
You shut up.
I probably do.
Are you saying that to me right now? It's possible.
Hey.
Hey.
Come on.
Are you? Is that what you're telling me right now? [ Laughs .]
For real? Come on.
Say it.
Say it.
I want you to say it.
Yes, asshole.
Yeah? Thank you for fucking sucking the absolute last drop of pleasure out of it, but yeah.
Yes, i fucking love you.
There it is.
Wow.
[ Laughs .]
All right.
That's what I wanted.
Yeah, so fucking deal with that shit.
I'll happily deal.
Yeah, good.
I will happily deal.
Watch me deal with it.
Good.
I am.
Asshole.
Do it.
Do it.
Feel free to return the favor.
Fine with me.
All right.
Which favor? I don't know.
An analogy? Oh, you're such a fucking cockmonkey.
[ Laughing .]
Tell me you love me.
[ Laughs .]
I see.
You're gonna force me to say it, too.
Yeah, I'm -- no, I'm not gonna force you to do anything except maybe, like, just go down on me sometimes, all the time.
You don't have to force me to do that.
Whenever you want, sometimes, all the time Listen, I want to tell you something.
Shut up.
Listen.
Shut up.
Hey.
Hey.
You know what? What? I fucking love you a lot.
Yeah? Yeah.
I do.
[ Chuckling .]
Good.
Hey! Hey! Hey! It's you guys.
It's you two guys.
Hello.
Hey, Keith.
This is, um, this is Billie, my -- yes, your stepsister and our new illustrator.
Hello.
Hi.
So, listen, uh Is tom living at your place now? Did I hear that correctly? I hope not.
He's staying there for a couple nights.
Watch out for that guy.
He'll eat your stuff.
Man, nobody tells me anything.
Ha.
Yeah.
That's about to change.
[ Chuckles .]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, um, i know you just ran past me, probably thought, "hey, there's Billy and his sister Billie.
" Stepsister.
And -- stepsister, of course.
We are not related at all.
Stepsister.
Not related at all.
And you might have been wondering, "did I just see them kissing? Is that what was happening?" No, I didn't.
No? I wasn't.
I mean I just -- I thought, um That you were whispering to each other.
Huh.
Is that right? Mm.
Eh No.
No? No.
No.
No, man, i was kissing her.
She was kissing me back, to be perfectly fair.
We're a couple now.
Yeah.
Wait, what? You g-- umYou guys are dating? You're a couple? Yeah, we're a happy, loving couple.
Dating.
We're dating.
I mean, we're not going on, like, official fucking dates with, like, itineraries, but No.
Kind of.
We are a couple that dates.
And listen, so, you know, just so you know, um, our parents met when we were -- I was 13.
He was older.
I was 15, so I wasn't a predator.
But yeah, um So, Keith, I can see this is a lot for you, and our food's getting cold, so Yes, no, absolutely.
IShould go.
Okay.
Well, listen, man, I can talk about this with you anytime.
We can talk about it next week.
I don't care.
Sure.
And I would have honestly talked to you about it before, but before you took a chance on her art just 'cause I didn't want it to maybe color how youYou know.
And as you can see, you know, she's very good at what she does, so Yes.
At her job.
Yes, sure.
Of course.
Thanks.
Um, we will talk soon.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, I'll see you guys.
Bye, Keith.
All right, pal.
Be safe.
See you, guys! See you at work.
See ya.
Bye.
I thought that went well.
Me, too.
That's great.
Really good.
Just a -- just a dating couple.
We're just a dating, loving, dating couple.
Just a couple of people in love.
Just two peeps in love.
[ TV playing .]
You good? Yeah, I'm good.
You? Uh-huh.
Yeah.
I think we can do this.
Me, too.
Good.
I mean, it scares me when you agree with me, but Good.
It's all part of my master plan.
I mean -- you want this? No.
No, it's yours.
Thanks.
Just, we got the same thing, and you have a whole -- a whole bowl.
You don't like broccoli.
I mean, that was nine years ago.
Fair enough.
[ Keys jingle .]
[ Door opens .]
[ Door closes .]