Bizaardvark (2016) s01e06 Episode Script

1 (modulated voice) This week on The Princess Unboxer, we're unboxing the Princess Space Adventure Set.
They just open boxes of toys? And this channel has a million subscribers? Why are we working so hard? How tough is it to open stuff? I can do that! I'm not hungry.
No one knows who The Princess Unboxer is.
It's a total mystery.
Like white jeans.
Aw, man, you're watching that weird unboxing thing? - I don't get it.
- All: Yeah, it's weird.
- Let's watch something else.
- All: No! Fine! I got dares to do, hot chocolate bars to jump over.
Here we go! What'd you guys think? All: Great.
Awesome.
Nice.
Best dare ever.
Okay, two more minutes of this, then I'm done.
Okay, two more minutes of this, then I'm done.
(clicks) Hey, who's filming in the Dare Lair? Dirk left hours ago.
(Southern accent) I reckon this kingdom ain't big enough for two cowgirl princesses.
(normal voice) Uh All: Uh This isn't what it looks like.
You're the mystery unboxer! Oh, then it's exactly what it looks like.
I make these videos for my little sisters.
Plus, it's helped me rediscover my childlike wonder.
Aww.
That's beautiful, man.
Dirk plays with dolls.
Can we go home now? We all need our beauty sleep.
Some more than others.
You've got five seconds to look at someone else.
Hold it! You know a secret about me, so now I need to know a secret about you.
It's the DareMeBro Law of Secrets.
For every secret, there's an equal and opposite re-secret.
For a guy who has a season pass to the emergency room, that's actually pretty good logic.
- I'll go first.
I once buried - No! Not here.
We must share our secrets in a sacred space.
(dramatic music playing) Ladies and Bernie welcome to the DareMeBro Circle of Truth.
(upbeat music plays) Uh Must be on shuffle! Well, since it's playing, dance party? All: Yeah! Sure! Both: You could spend all day On a swing eating a baguette But why do boring things like that When there's the Internet? Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! - Let's go make some videos - Hey! You could watch Dirk doing crazy dares - Saying, "Here we go" - Here we go! He'll do anything you want Just don't try this at home Or watch Amelia teaching ya How to look your best Making over people is her never-ending quest You could watch Do you have constant foot odor? You could watch us make ridiculously funny videos Like the one with evil pop-up books That punch you in the nose Let's go make some videos Hey! Hey! Let's go make some videos And I I missed it.
Here's how this works.
You will take a sip of the mystical smoothie with protein boost, admit your secret, then pass the goblet to the next person.
We all drink from the same cup? I really don't want to catch what Bernie probably has.
Had.
I got the full round of shots.
Fair warning, I am a human lie detector.
If I sense anyone being untruthful, - I will call you on it.
- Okay.
My secret will rattle you all to the very core.
I'm not incredibly popular at school.
All: Yeah, we know.
Um, I also cannot dunk a basketball.
- Still not a secret.
- Yeah, and of course.
Oh.
Um Come back to me.
My name is Frankie Wong and I'm addicted to watching Russian soap operas with my neighbors.
No! No, Svetlana! Don't eat that pierogi! It's poison! My lie detector's buzzing a little bit.
Are you telling the whole truth? - She also cries every episode.
- Dude! I can't believe Svetlana ate that pierogi! She was so young! It was really sad! She just got into ballerina school! Hey! Spoiler alert! Just kidding.
I don't care.
Besides, I only watch when Paige is busy with Actually, what are you busy with on those nights? Uh Excellent.
Circle of Truth transition.
Paige, what do you do on those nights? Oh, uh I was gonna talk about how I love the smell of my own feet.
(chuckles) Embarrassing! But those nights, I, um read books for fun.
- Amelia, your turn.
- Buzz, buzz, buzz! Reading books for fun does not sound like a thing people do.
Okay.
I take a mixed martial arts class and I'm really close to getting my green belt.
Amelia, the goblet is yours.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You take MMA? I didn't know anything about that.
It's no big deal.
I I didn't think you'd be into it.
Amelia, seriously? How have you not embraced this opportunity to talk about yourself? (sighs) Let's see.
A secret, secret Oh, I got one.
- I'm worth over a million dollars.
- What?! Did you say a million? As in a one? With a million zeros after it? Seriously, is nobody worried about his head injuries? Just promise me you guys won't go acting all weird about the money thing.
We're friends and this doesn't change that, right? Totally.
Also, I just remembered my real secret.
I love you, Amelia Whatever Your Last Name Is.
Will you marry me? Hey, Paige, before you go, I just have one question about your MMA class.
What? I told you the truth.
My parents want me to get more exercise.
That's why I go there.
No other reason.
No, I was just trying to Sure, I could have told Frankie, but it never came up.
End of discussion.
- Actually, I was just - Fine.
She's my best friend, but I don't want her there.
- Is that what you wanted to hear? - Uh, no.
I was just wondering if your MMA class is next to that frozen yogurt shop where they mix the fruit in.
Oh, that's what you No, you're thinking of Fro-Yo Dojo.
Oh, right! Fruit toppings! Hup! Look, don't tell Frankie.
I love hanging out with her, but we're always together.
Between school and Vuuugle, I barely get any Paige Time.
I hear ya.
I go bird calling every Tuesday by myself.
That's Dirk Time.
And it's sacred.
Yeah, you get it! Everybody needs some time alone.
And earning that green belt is important to me, but if I told Frankie, she might take it personally and get upset.
Last week, I mastered the call of the red-breasted nuthatch.
It was awesome.
(whistles) Mep, mep, mep, mep, mep.
You're a complicated dude, Dirk.
(techno music playing) Jab! Big jab! Kick! Knee! (Chuckles) Nice work, Paige.
Work on your hip throw, and you'll earn your green belt.
Thanks, Sensei.
Maybe someday I'll even get my black belt like the Dragon Slayer.
(grunting) (groans) Shh! Do not say his name out loud.
It only invokes his rage.
(grunts) Whoa! It smells like sweat and dudes with ponytails up in here, am I right? Frankie? What are you doing here? - I joined the class.
- No! Way! (chuckles) No way! That's great! Yeah, I heard what you said in the truth circle.
You wanted to do this MMA thing together, but didn't think I'd be into it.
So, I'm here now.
You don't have to do this alone anymore.
Aww.
Some! Awesome! (grunts) The kid hasn't paid for class in five years.
Honestly, I'm afraid to bring it up.
(grunts) Good energy, everyone.
Now let's work on our punches.
(grunts) (grunts) M-M-A! M-M-A! M-M-A! - M-M-A! Huh? - Frankie! You don't need to say "MMA" every time you punch.
Then how will my enemy know what I'm doing? Knee! Elbow! Heart rip! Don't eat the heart! Well, don't throw it away! Focus, everybody.
Keep warming up.
Hey, I totally get why you come here.
- I'm gonna go - Great! I mean, MMA's not for everybody, so No, I'm not leaving.
I'm getting our notebook so we can write some songs.
This place is hilarious.
I'm a man with a ponytail My barber should be put in jail (growls) Uh, she didn't mean it.
Respectful bow.
Respectful bow.
Here comes Amelia.
Act natural.
Don't mention her money.
Please.
I know how to talk to people.
Hey, guys.
You have a million dollars! What does money smell like? Can we not talk about me? Ooh, those words did not feel right coming out of my mouth.
No, let's hang out.
Take a load off.
This is reserved for Amelia.
She could buy and sell you.
Now scram.
Do you have enough air? I can breathe less if you need more.
No, I'm fine.
Can we just talk about normal stuff? Totally.
Have you ever thought about building your own roller coaster? It cost less than you think if you know where to cut corners.
Okay.
Uh, let's just get some lunch.
- My treat.
- Really? You would trade your money for food? For me? Um, sure.
That's how I would describe it to an alien.
But I'm happy to buy lunch for my friends anytime.
If we weren't already engaged, I would propose to you right now.
Oh, there you are.
I'm heading to lunch.
You comin'? I already ate.
Sensei says I'm close to getting my green belt, so I'm working on my moves.
By myself.
Oh, great.
I'll keep you company.
(sighs) You won't even know I'm here.
(grunts) (grunts) (grunts) (grunts) (grunts) Frankie, what's happening right now? Oh, just grunting to help you feel like you're in MMA class.
(gasps) Let me add some techno music.
(beatboxes) (beatboxing continues) Ooh! Aah! M-M-A! I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Oh, I've got sounds for that too! I'm good.
(bathroom door opens) Frankie: Paige! Paige! - Paige! - Aah! Frankie, what if I was going to the bathroom? Well, that would have been awkward, especially standing up there.
Hey, I had this great idea for our "Sensei Ponytail Song.
" It's about his dandruff, but I'm calling it his man-druff.
Paige (thinking): Just tell her the truth.
MMA is Paige Time.
What's the worst that could happen? (screams) (heart thumping) Or just bend the truth.
I can't make it to MMA class tonight.
I just remembered I have to feed my grandma's cats.
She's in Florida.
Well, I'm not going to MMA without you.
Guess it's a Russian soap opera kind of night.
Boris is about to marry Svetlana's twin sister by mistake.
Her name is also Svetlana.
There will be tears.
Hey, Amelia! Sit down.
We just ordered some chow from a new place.
Great.
I'm just glad we're all hanging out and not talking about money.
Dirk: Sweet! Our lunch is here.
Seven of those lobsters are mine! Good.
They sent Lenny J.
He's the best.
Play us something smooth, Lenny.
(plays smooth jazz) Um what's going on here? You said you were fine with buying lunch for us, so we ordered lunch.
This bill is for $1,000! Fine.
I got this.
Uh Must have left Ol' Leather in my other pants.
Ya mind? You're the best, Money! Did you just call me Money? Of course not, A-million.
Amel-ion.
Money.
You guys ordered 37 pounds of salami? That's actually not for lunch.
It's for a dare I have to do.
You're gonna eat 37 pounds of salami? That would be crazy! I'm gonna get pummeled by them.
Salami team! Go! I'm an artist! (techno music playing) (grunts) Fantastic form, Paige.
Thank you, Sensei.
- Hey, you changed your hair.
- Yes.
Your friend's jokes shamed me into a man bun.
Paige? Hey! I thought it was a Russian soap kind of night.
Yeah, it was a repeat, so I figured I'd come here and get a laugh.
Why are you here? Oh, uh, my aunt got back from Florida early.
Thought it was your grandma.
Uh, in in my family, we call my grandma Aunt Grandma? Okay, what's going on, Paige? We're always together.
MMA was Paige Time.
Why can't there be one thing I do on my own? Wow.
Okay, I thought we were having fun.
Well, you can have all the Paige Time you want now.
I'm out of here.
My mom already left! - (grunts) - Not in the mood, Ira! (techno music playing) Frankie, I don't feel good about what just happened.
When you told your best friend you don't want her around anymore, you don't feel good about that? Weird.
Everyone keep warming up.
I love Paige and Frankie, but I also want to do some things as just Paige.
- You understand what I'm saying? - Yeah, I do.
I would have held it for you, but I wanted you to do it as just Paige.
Frankie, you're not listening to what I'm saying.
Oh, now I'm a bad friend and a bad listener? What else am I bad at? Questions? Am I bad at asking questions? I don't think so 'cause my inflection went up and everything! Love the intensity, ladies.
I need sparring partners.
You two, center of the dojo.
It's about to be Paige's time to go down! - Sparring means fighting, right? - Yeah! All right then! And the dojo is - Where we are right now.
- Yeah, it is.
Gentlemen, thank you for coming.
Is this a food meeting? I just read about a place that sells hundred-dollar hot dogs.
Should I call? It's not a food meeting.
Here.
Whoa! $10,000?! That buys a lot of hundred-dollar hot dogs! And even more regular hot dogs! I've got some big decisions to make.
Now you have money too.
And that's all you care about, right? (suspenseful music plays) They said it was impossible to build an indoor roller coaster that would go from your studio, to the bathroom, and back.
Well, here we are.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Mayor Roller Coaster.
(chuckles) - (roller coaster whooshes) - Here we go! Whoo! (suspenseful music plays) Sorry, you're not tall enough to ride.
Oh.
Aren't I? Oh my.
(Chuckles) Right this way, Mr.
Schotz.
- Amelia, are you sure about this? - I am.
I was afraid things would change once you guys found out about my money, and obviously they have, but I care about both of you too much to let this ruin our friendship.
Well, I have to say good meeting! Hang on.
Amelia, we're jerks.
Your friendship means more than any check.
Thank you, Dirk! I knew you'd step up and do the right thing.
I, um would also like to apologize.
This money means nothing without your eternal friendship.
Ffft! Ffft! Well, I gotta go.
Hello? Bank? How do I put money in you? Don't worry.
I'll make sure he rips up the check.
No, it's okay.
Those checks weren't real.
(Gasps) Let's go to the bank and watch him try to cash it! He's gonna get arrested so hard! Hey! Hey! Why'd you lie to me about this class? I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
I know you.
This about more than just Paige Time.
You wouldn't understand.
Is somebody gonna punch somebody? Ooh! (chuckles) Thank you, Dragon Slayer.
You feel me.
No fair! You can't punch and kick! - How are you so good at this? - Because I practice, Frankie.
I study my opponents and I know their weaknesses.
Oh, well, I know my opponent's weaknesses too.
- Tickle, tickle.
- (giggles) Tickle, tickle.
This! This is why I wanted MMA to be Paige Time.
I love when we joke around at school, I love when we joke around at Vuuugle, but MMA isn't a joke to me.
- And you just can't get that.
- Well, how can I not make jokes? This place is like an angry pajama party.
Who's with me? Oh, give it up, Ira.
I'm babysitting you tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Frankie.
I should have been honest with you in the first place.
No, I'm sorry.
This meant a lot to you.
I shouldn't have ruined Paige Time.
Hey, no hugging in my dojo.
You know the rules.
You wanna get out of here? But don't you want that green belt? - I can take it.
- Thanks.
(yells) Fighters: Ooh.
I meant I could take it from that little kid! Why is MMA even a thing? So let's recap.
Thanks to the Circle of Truth, Paige and I got in a fight Bernie got community service for cashing a fake check Dirk's not getting a roller coaster Amelia blew a thousand bucks on salami.
All in favor of never doing the Circle of Truth again? (all groan) Good.
I gotta go.
I've got trash to pick up on the side of the highway.
Hey, you comin' to MMA tonight? You can see me wear this.
I'm proud of you, but I'm gonna pass.
MMA is Paige Time.
Besides, you gave me a great idea.
Frankie Time! Frankie: Hey, guys.
Russian Soap Opera Action Figure Collector here.
In today's video, we're gonna be unboxing Boris, the lawyer with a dark past and Sasha, the housewife turned jewel thief.
(deep voice) Sasha, you are my one true love.
(high-pitched voice) If that is true, then who is that? (Southern accent) I'm Princess Cowgirl.
You stay away from my man or you will be "Russian" to get my boot out of your butt.
(alien voice) I am Space Princess.
Boris is my man.
Hands off.
Okay, this got weird.
Now I'm out.
Sweet! More toys for me! (alien voice) Boris, I love you!