Black Books s01e06 Episode Script
He's Leaving Home
- Oh, Jesus! - Yes, you've been caught! - What sort of time do you call this? - It's only midnight.
Where were you? Quickly - no lies.
- Out with some friends.
- Friends? Out? With? Some? Let me smell your breath.
I thought so! Chips! Where are my chips? Your clothes are all rumpled! Is that lipstick on your beard? Here I am, worrying myself away into a stick and you're scoffing chips from some tart's lap! Where's my tart?! I want chips and tarts! - Get up them stairs! - You're not the king of me! - I can go out if I want! - Look here! Maybe other boys who work in bookshops do what they want.
But under my roof you abide by my rules! This isn't Waterstone's.
I wish I'd never been born! Manny! Stop singing in the bath! I'm not in the bath, I'm on the toilet.
Who sings on the toilet? Stop singing on the toilet! I'm probably getting a lot of secondary smoke from you.
Don't worry about it.
Get me a drink sometime.
Are there any customers in? No.
Hello? What? Yes, hang on.
Friend of yours.
Some woman.
Oh, right.
Hello? Oh, hiya.
No! He didn't?! Did? He didn't?! Oh He was definitely looking at you.
He was! Oh, yes.
Who is this?! What age are you?! wrong with you?! He can't talk, he has to do his chores.
I can't believe you did that.
You're so rude! Manny! - Oh, hi - Not you - Manny.
Manny! Look - look! - Yeah? - Yeah.
- "Penelope Learmouth-Tonk.
" - Ha.
"At home in her graceful mansion " Why can't we talk about something we're all interested in? Hey, you know what? Last week, remember when I thought I had piles? It was just Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Aaa nd back to the magazine! That's it! Manny has lots to do.
Thank you, Fran.
Bye-bye.
- It's important! - You, Imperial Leather - work.
Right, you, Hawkwind - back to work.
Nothing to do.
There's plenty to do.
Splishy-splashy, come on.
What did you do that for? It's stupid and dangerous.
You'll have somebody's eye out.
Hurry up and sweep up, will you? Bernard! Manny! Manny, phone! Man I'll get it, shall I? Hello? - Bernard, hello? - Manny, the phone was ringing! I'm running away.
I left you a note - did you not see? Running away? Note? Did? See? What are you talking about? It's right in front of you.
- Why are you running away? - The note will explain everything.
It's nearly a page, just give me the gist of it.
Well, I made a photocopy, so yes.
"Dear Bernard, by the time you read this I will be gone.
"You will never hear my voice again.
"I will never write or phone or attempt to get in touch with you.
"The reason is that you've been really nasty to me recently.
"I think I'm old enough to make my own way in the world "and if you think that I'm " A bee! 'There's a bee! Get! ' 'I've put my arm through the glass! Get off! Get off! ' Manny? 'It's bleeding! God, someone help me! ' 'Wait, I'll put in more money! There we go.
'Agh! The bee's on my head! Get it off! 'Wait, wait, someone's coming.
Oh, thank you.
'What? No, no, get off! Bernard! I'm being mugged! 'Send help! Send Agh! ' Where's Manny? Not here.
Well, how can I find him? You could become a terrible event and happen to him.
I really wanted to tell him this thing.
What's all this telling Manny everything business? Tell me.
No, you won't get it.
- No, I will.
Come on.
- OK.
- Apparently - Yeah.
- David Beckham - The footballer! - Yes - Big smile, black guy, chat show.
See? You won't get this.
I know.
Sorry.
He cried during the World Cup and now he sells crisps.
Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon.
I mean Pac Man.
It's pronounced Pac Man.
Forget it.
Where is Manny? - Oh, he quit.
- He quit? Quite funny, actually, he rang to say he quit and he was in a phone box, and there was this bee, and he put his arm through the glass and he was bleeding and everything and then he got mugged.
Just like that - the bee, the bleeding and the mugger.
So we should help him.
And, um, it's just that we're a little bit worried.
Yeah.
I'm frantic.
He left after being shouted at by She spoilt it.
She's always talking to him.
Giving him little things to eat.
How will he learn about the real world? If anything happened to him - Derek, could you do a tea run? - Sure.
- Can I get you anything? - Oh, I'd love a glass of white.
As long as it's not Chardonnay.
Er, well, no, it's tea or coffee, I'm afraid.
No, thanks.
Right, can you describe Manny? Um He's "Help fight crime, dial 999.
" Is it 999 because it rhymes with "crime"? I really think you should start taking this seriously.
Manny could have a tough time on the streets.
Now, can you describe him, please? - Yeah, he's - He's a pain in the hole.
He's small, he's got a lot of hair.
And he's got a sort of goatee thing.
- What, a beard? - Yeah.
Just how old is your son? Oh, he's not our son.
No, he's, what? About 32, 33.
Yeah, yeah.
# Everybody's talkin' at me # I don't hear a word they're sayin' # Only the echoes of my mind # People stop and stare and # I can't see their faces # Only the shadows of their eyes # I'm goin' where the sun keeps shinin' # Through the pourin' rain # Goin' where the weather suits my clothes # - Come in.
- I won't stay long I'll just get some water.
Water? No, what you need is a nice wine.
A nice glass of wine for you, huh? - You like wine? - Uh, yeah.
You like wine? Wine is nice.
Wine is very nice, yes.
A nice glass of wine for you.
Oh, well, someone serving me drinks.
That's a new experience.
All right, all right.
- Oh - No, sit down, sit down So, uh, you like my clothes? I get you clothes just like it.
You want a bath? Or some chicken? We can watch The Simpsons - that's so funny and cool.
- Funny.
- Yeah.
- So you're a photographer? - Yeah, I do a lot of things.
I take pictures, I sell ice cream I do a little work for You know CIA? - Yes.
- Them.
Can I feel your beard? - Er, sorry? - Your beard.
Can I feel it? Er, um, uh, no, I don't think so.
No funny stuff.
Nothing "weird".
Um Oh, OK.
That's good.
Stay still.
- Is good beard.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, is is like a little bird.
- Do you use oils? - No.
You should.
It's wonderful The colours, it's auburn Ginger, too.
It's got everything.
Come on, come here, stand here.
- What? - It's going to be fun.
Just there - good, good.
Stay still - look at the camera.
And again.
- What? - Give me emotion.
Give me happy! - Ooh! - That's good.
You've done this before, eh? OK, I need something You are lost doggie in crowded funfair.
Manny was something else.
You don't meet someone like him every day.
I met him every day.
I met him all day and all night every day.
Today's one of the few days I haven't met him.
And he still wrote to me and rang me.
I'm expecting a fax any minute.
But, yes, I know, it's all it's very Yeah It's just so But cheer up, it's just the two of us now! - No offence or anything.
- That used to be enough.
You just don't wanna do anything fun.
- I like fun! I can do fun.
- Yeah? You want fun? OK! I haven't come to talk, I just forgot Oh, no, Bernard.
What "no"? Check it out.
No, no No.
- It's fun! - Oh, no, Bernard.
- No - I'm fun, now.
- No, no - Look! Mouths! "Hello, Fran.
How are you?" Cocktail sausage? Come on! Let's have a party! We'll go and see a gig - it's a long time since I've been.
- Let's go and see The Skids.
- Bernard - Do you like pina colada? - Bernard.
- And walking in the rain? - Bernard.
- I am into champagne.
- Oh, stop, you're just Fran, come on, that's enough! Come on! - You drove him away! - Stop blaming me! Just let me in, Fran, let me in.
Don't lock me out, let me in! What are you talking about? I'm being upset.
You know.
You tortured him.
You wouldn't let him eat Frosties.
They make so much noise! If he'd wait one minute to let the milk sink in - but no! - And you hated his beard.
- I kept finding it everywhere! You said he had a funny smell.
He did! He had a living beetroot smell! - Who do I have to talk to now? - Me! Remember me? - I was here way before him! - You don't talk.
You just sit there and scowl and smoke and make hurtful remarks.
You used to love my hurtful remarks! You just sit there and you snipe and sneer and you moan, you carp and you complain, you damn and blast, and you burn and bludgeon everything until there's nothing but ashes! You always say that! You never wanted him here in the first place.
Now he's gone you're happy.
That's fine.
As long as you're happy.
As long as you're happy everything's fine.
- Fran! - Bernard.
I don't think I wanna see you for a while.
Forgot my bag.
Without him it's just a yo! You're a slave - slave in Ben Hur movie.
Good, good.
Try a maid - family maid.
French maid in, er, black and white film.
That's good, good! Come on, Manny, come on, give me more! More maid, come on! Good.
Turn around! Yeah, uh Something's not quite right.
It's too Merchant-Ivory.
What can we what can we do? Yeah, I know - undo the buttons on your shirt there.
- What? - The buttons, take them down.
Oh, er Er, no, I don't think - Come on, don't be shy.
Come on.
- No, I-I'd rather not.
OK.
You're maybe not as professional as I thought you were.
No, I mean Um - Mm-hm.
- Like this? That's good, that's One more.
Yes! That's it! That's good! Good, come on! Grr! - Grr.
- Yes, yes, yes! Manny, stick with me and I'll make you a star, you know? The hairiest star in the whole Milky Way! # Gold! # I'm glad that you're bound to return # Something I could have learned # You're indestructible # Always believe in # Check, please.
What's going on? Who's this? Is no one.
Is Maurice.
Maurice, wait outside.
Manny, I want to introduce you to some good friends of mine.
This is Mr Akira, Mr Akenzo, Mr Kahie.
Uh, Manny, I got some work to do tonight so, uh, why don't you go out and have a few drinks with Mr Akira? - A few drinks? Who is he? - He's a very nice man.
Go out, have a few drinks, smile, laugh at his jokes, then maybe you go to casino Oh, very important - to bring him luck let him touch your beard before he throw the dice.
- Why does he want me to go? - He see your picture.
He see your picture and he go crazy! "I want him!" He said that.
Where did he see my picture?! - In a magazine, I told you.
- What magazine? What?! What's?! I never posed for this - you never told me about this! - I told you when you were out! - You didn't! Are you arguing with me? You think these clothes are cheap?! This food?! This is how you appreciate me? I tell you, I grew you like a flower! And now you must-a bloom! Look, there is no way I'm going to the casino with this man.
Come on, it's just a bit of gambling, a few drinks, then make sure he gets back to his hotel safely.
What! I! There is no way I'm going to the casino, all right?! Now, you have given me everything that money can buy, yes.
I've slept on satin sheets, I've eaten crinkle-cut chips from a silver bowl, I've been driven all over town in minicabs, but there's some things that money can't buy, like the love I found in a little bookshop off Russell Square.
Yes, love.
Well, not love so much, more freedom, you know Well, not really freedom, more a largesse of heart.
Er, not really largesse of heart or freedom or or love, but I was never contractually obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen.
And that is something! Something that no amount of spaghetti bolognese and drinks with umbrellas in can buy.
So there's no way I'm going to the casino.
No way.
Never! Hello.
H- hello.
- Sorry I'm late.
- No, you're not late.
No.
- Shall I? - You don't have to, no.
- I don't mind - It's up to you.
Morning, Bernard.
Morning, Manny.
Morning.
Oh, my God! - What? - Oh, God Mickey Rourke had another facelift.
He looks like his trousers.
God, look at him.
Manny, can I borrow your corkscrew, please?
Where were you? Quickly - no lies.
- Out with some friends.
- Friends? Out? With? Some? Let me smell your breath.
I thought so! Chips! Where are my chips? Your clothes are all rumpled! Is that lipstick on your beard? Here I am, worrying myself away into a stick and you're scoffing chips from some tart's lap! Where's my tart?! I want chips and tarts! - Get up them stairs! - You're not the king of me! - I can go out if I want! - Look here! Maybe other boys who work in bookshops do what they want.
But under my roof you abide by my rules! This isn't Waterstone's.
I wish I'd never been born! Manny! Stop singing in the bath! I'm not in the bath, I'm on the toilet.
Who sings on the toilet? Stop singing on the toilet! I'm probably getting a lot of secondary smoke from you.
Don't worry about it.
Get me a drink sometime.
Are there any customers in? No.
Hello? What? Yes, hang on.
Friend of yours.
Some woman.
Oh, right.
Hello? Oh, hiya.
No! He didn't?! Did? He didn't?! Oh He was definitely looking at you.
He was! Oh, yes.
Who is this?! What age are you?! wrong with you?! He can't talk, he has to do his chores.
I can't believe you did that.
You're so rude! Manny! - Oh, hi - Not you - Manny.
Manny! Look - look! - Yeah? - Yeah.
- "Penelope Learmouth-Tonk.
" - Ha.
"At home in her graceful mansion " Why can't we talk about something we're all interested in? Hey, you know what? Last week, remember when I thought I had piles? It was just Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Aaa nd back to the magazine! That's it! Manny has lots to do.
Thank you, Fran.
Bye-bye.
- It's important! - You, Imperial Leather - work.
Right, you, Hawkwind - back to work.
Nothing to do.
There's plenty to do.
Splishy-splashy, come on.
What did you do that for? It's stupid and dangerous.
You'll have somebody's eye out.
Hurry up and sweep up, will you? Bernard! Manny! Manny, phone! Man I'll get it, shall I? Hello? - Bernard, hello? - Manny, the phone was ringing! I'm running away.
I left you a note - did you not see? Running away? Note? Did? See? What are you talking about? It's right in front of you.
- Why are you running away? - The note will explain everything.
It's nearly a page, just give me the gist of it.
Well, I made a photocopy, so yes.
"Dear Bernard, by the time you read this I will be gone.
"You will never hear my voice again.
"I will never write or phone or attempt to get in touch with you.
"The reason is that you've been really nasty to me recently.
"I think I'm old enough to make my own way in the world "and if you think that I'm " A bee! 'There's a bee! Get! ' 'I've put my arm through the glass! Get off! Get off! ' Manny? 'It's bleeding! God, someone help me! ' 'Wait, I'll put in more money! There we go.
'Agh! The bee's on my head! Get it off! 'Wait, wait, someone's coming.
Oh, thank you.
'What? No, no, get off! Bernard! I'm being mugged! 'Send help! Send Agh! ' Where's Manny? Not here.
Well, how can I find him? You could become a terrible event and happen to him.
I really wanted to tell him this thing.
What's all this telling Manny everything business? Tell me.
No, you won't get it.
- No, I will.
Come on.
- OK.
- Apparently - Yeah.
- David Beckham - The footballer! - Yes - Big smile, black guy, chat show.
See? You won't get this.
I know.
Sorry.
He cried during the World Cup and now he sells crisps.
Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon.
I mean Pac Man.
It's pronounced Pac Man.
Forget it.
Where is Manny? - Oh, he quit.
- He quit? Quite funny, actually, he rang to say he quit and he was in a phone box, and there was this bee, and he put his arm through the glass and he was bleeding and everything and then he got mugged.
Just like that - the bee, the bleeding and the mugger.
So we should help him.
And, um, it's just that we're a little bit worried.
Yeah.
I'm frantic.
He left after being shouted at by She spoilt it.
She's always talking to him.
Giving him little things to eat.
How will he learn about the real world? If anything happened to him - Derek, could you do a tea run? - Sure.
- Can I get you anything? - Oh, I'd love a glass of white.
As long as it's not Chardonnay.
Er, well, no, it's tea or coffee, I'm afraid.
No, thanks.
Right, can you describe Manny? Um He's "Help fight crime, dial 999.
" Is it 999 because it rhymes with "crime"? I really think you should start taking this seriously.
Manny could have a tough time on the streets.
Now, can you describe him, please? - Yeah, he's - He's a pain in the hole.
He's small, he's got a lot of hair.
And he's got a sort of goatee thing.
- What, a beard? - Yeah.
Just how old is your son? Oh, he's not our son.
No, he's, what? About 32, 33.
Yeah, yeah.
# Everybody's talkin' at me # I don't hear a word they're sayin' # Only the echoes of my mind # People stop and stare and # I can't see their faces # Only the shadows of their eyes # I'm goin' where the sun keeps shinin' # Through the pourin' rain # Goin' where the weather suits my clothes # - Come in.
- I won't stay long I'll just get some water.
Water? No, what you need is a nice wine.
A nice glass of wine for you, huh? - You like wine? - Uh, yeah.
You like wine? Wine is nice.
Wine is very nice, yes.
A nice glass of wine for you.
Oh, well, someone serving me drinks.
That's a new experience.
All right, all right.
- Oh - No, sit down, sit down So, uh, you like my clothes? I get you clothes just like it.
You want a bath? Or some chicken? We can watch The Simpsons - that's so funny and cool.
- Funny.
- Yeah.
- So you're a photographer? - Yeah, I do a lot of things.
I take pictures, I sell ice cream I do a little work for You know CIA? - Yes.
- Them.
Can I feel your beard? - Er, sorry? - Your beard.
Can I feel it? Er, um, uh, no, I don't think so.
No funny stuff.
Nothing "weird".
Um Oh, OK.
That's good.
Stay still.
- Is good beard.
- Yeah? Yeah.
Oh, is is like a little bird.
- Do you use oils? - No.
You should.
It's wonderful The colours, it's auburn Ginger, too.
It's got everything.
Come on, come here, stand here.
- What? - It's going to be fun.
Just there - good, good.
Stay still - look at the camera.
And again.
- What? - Give me emotion.
Give me happy! - Ooh! - That's good.
You've done this before, eh? OK, I need something You are lost doggie in crowded funfair.
Manny was something else.
You don't meet someone like him every day.
I met him every day.
I met him all day and all night every day.
Today's one of the few days I haven't met him.
And he still wrote to me and rang me.
I'm expecting a fax any minute.
But, yes, I know, it's all it's very Yeah It's just so But cheer up, it's just the two of us now! - No offence or anything.
- That used to be enough.
You just don't wanna do anything fun.
- I like fun! I can do fun.
- Yeah? You want fun? OK! I haven't come to talk, I just forgot Oh, no, Bernard.
What "no"? Check it out.
No, no No.
- It's fun! - Oh, no, Bernard.
- No - I'm fun, now.
- No, no - Look! Mouths! "Hello, Fran.
How are you?" Cocktail sausage? Come on! Let's have a party! We'll go and see a gig - it's a long time since I've been.
- Let's go and see The Skids.
- Bernard - Do you like pina colada? - Bernard.
- And walking in the rain? - Bernard.
- I am into champagne.
- Oh, stop, you're just Fran, come on, that's enough! Come on! - You drove him away! - Stop blaming me! Just let me in, Fran, let me in.
Don't lock me out, let me in! What are you talking about? I'm being upset.
You know.
You tortured him.
You wouldn't let him eat Frosties.
They make so much noise! If he'd wait one minute to let the milk sink in - but no! - And you hated his beard.
- I kept finding it everywhere! You said he had a funny smell.
He did! He had a living beetroot smell! - Who do I have to talk to now? - Me! Remember me? - I was here way before him! - You don't talk.
You just sit there and scowl and smoke and make hurtful remarks.
You used to love my hurtful remarks! You just sit there and you snipe and sneer and you moan, you carp and you complain, you damn and blast, and you burn and bludgeon everything until there's nothing but ashes! You always say that! You never wanted him here in the first place.
Now he's gone you're happy.
That's fine.
As long as you're happy.
As long as you're happy everything's fine.
- Fran! - Bernard.
I don't think I wanna see you for a while.
Forgot my bag.
Without him it's just a yo! You're a slave - slave in Ben Hur movie.
Good, good.
Try a maid - family maid.
French maid in, er, black and white film.
That's good, good! Come on, Manny, come on, give me more! More maid, come on! Good.
Turn around! Yeah, uh Something's not quite right.
It's too Merchant-Ivory.
What can we what can we do? Yeah, I know - undo the buttons on your shirt there.
- What? - The buttons, take them down.
Oh, er Er, no, I don't think - Come on, don't be shy.
Come on.
- No, I-I'd rather not.
OK.
You're maybe not as professional as I thought you were.
No, I mean Um - Mm-hm.
- Like this? That's good, that's One more.
Yes! That's it! That's good! Good, come on! Grr! - Grr.
- Yes, yes, yes! Manny, stick with me and I'll make you a star, you know? The hairiest star in the whole Milky Way! # Gold! # I'm glad that you're bound to return # Something I could have learned # You're indestructible # Always believe in # Check, please.
What's going on? Who's this? Is no one.
Is Maurice.
Maurice, wait outside.
Manny, I want to introduce you to some good friends of mine.
This is Mr Akira, Mr Akenzo, Mr Kahie.
Uh, Manny, I got some work to do tonight so, uh, why don't you go out and have a few drinks with Mr Akira? - A few drinks? Who is he? - He's a very nice man.
Go out, have a few drinks, smile, laugh at his jokes, then maybe you go to casino Oh, very important - to bring him luck let him touch your beard before he throw the dice.
- Why does he want me to go? - He see your picture.
He see your picture and he go crazy! "I want him!" He said that.
Where did he see my picture?! - In a magazine, I told you.
- What magazine? What?! What's?! I never posed for this - you never told me about this! - I told you when you were out! - You didn't! Are you arguing with me? You think these clothes are cheap?! This food?! This is how you appreciate me? I tell you, I grew you like a flower! And now you must-a bloom! Look, there is no way I'm going to the casino with this man.
Come on, it's just a bit of gambling, a few drinks, then make sure he gets back to his hotel safely.
What! I! There is no way I'm going to the casino, all right?! Now, you have given me everything that money can buy, yes.
I've slept on satin sheets, I've eaten crinkle-cut chips from a silver bowl, I've been driven all over town in minicabs, but there's some things that money can't buy, like the love I found in a little bookshop off Russell Square.
Yes, love.
Well, not love so much, more freedom, you know Well, not really freedom, more a largesse of heart.
Er, not really largesse of heart or freedom or or love, but I was never contractually obliged to sleep with foreign businessmen.
And that is something! Something that no amount of spaghetti bolognese and drinks with umbrellas in can buy.
So there's no way I'm going to the casino.
No way.
Never! Hello.
H- hello.
- Sorry I'm late.
- No, you're not late.
No.
- Shall I? - You don't have to, no.
- I don't mind - It's up to you.
Morning, Bernard.
Morning, Manny.
Morning.
Oh, my God! - What? - Oh, God Mickey Rourke had another facelift.
He looks like his trousers.
God, look at him.
Manny, can I borrow your corkscrew, please?