Black Comedy (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Eyah, slut! What slut? I hear you bin hanging around James, playing Xbox.
Who James? I play biggest mob games with biggest mob James.
Bent budhoo James.
Oh, bent budhoo James.
Yeah, I was helping him straighten it out last night.
It proper straight like cucumber now.
The only thing you need to straighten out is your life.
Everybody knows you got the biggest hole in Townsville.
Anyway can't even sing.
(Gasps) Can't even act.
(Gasps) (Sobs) Well, what's this, then, slut? (Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut? (Coughs) Well, what's this, then, slut? (Sighs) Well, what's this then slut? (Gasps) (FRENCH ACCENT) Well, what's zis, then, slut? Ho-ho-ho.
(Gasps and coughs) Well, what's this, then slut? (Sobs) Well, what's this, then, slut?! (Wails) Theme music Damn it! Wow.
(Toilet flushes) Deadly, Dave! ALL: Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Hey! Oh, Germany.
Nice! Better pack your Lederhosen.
Oh, very gut! (All laugh) Ready? Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Oh! Wow, there's nothing there, mate, you'll be floundering.
I'll probably have a whale of time.
(All laugh) Better go again, go on.
Ready? Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! Mark! (All cheer) Brazil! Come on, big fella.
(Animated chatter) Up you come.
Ready? Yep.
Round and round and round he goes, where he lands, nobody knows.
Whoo! That just sent a shiver up my spine.
I think we just had a moment.
Whoa! Mate, what are you doing? The tack has spoken.
Why do I always have to go to Uluru? You put the tack in.
The tack.
It's in.
Mate.
It's in.
The tack.
Yeah, but I'm always going to Uluru.
Like, I've been there, like, 20 times.
I wanna go somewhere else.
I wanna go, like, Brazil or something.
Mark's already going to Brazil.
The tack spoke.
Mark, Brazil.
The tack.
Done.
Mark got another turn! I want another turn.
Fine.
Let him have another turn.
Alright, go on then.
Go on.
Yes! And I want you to sing too.
OK.
Round and round and round he goes, where he lands nobody knows.
It's calling to you, mate.
It's calling you home.
I'm not even from there! This is a travel show and I don't even have passport.
I never leave Australia.
I wanna go on a plane.
I want a stopover.
I want a stamp on my passport, OK? I want a stamp on my passport! Is that what this is about, Ernie? You want a stamp on your passport.
I can put a stamp in your passport.
I've got one with a smiley face.
No, I don't wanna a stamp! I've got one with a star.
It's not the stamp.
You're always sending me to, like, Kimberleys or Kakadu or Uluru.
It's just a rock, guys.
It's just a rock.
I always thought it was really nice.
It's just a rock! OK, I've got a couple of ideas, I've been thinkin'.
What about sending me to New York? Hey? Hey, hey, hey? Alright.
'It's me, Ernie Dingo, here in Times Square, eating an apple in the Big Apple.
' OK, don't like it? Alright, alright, alright.
What about this? 'It's me, Ernie Dingo.
Now, people love me.
' Alright.
'Ernie Dingo here' Ernie, Ernie, Ernie.
Guys, I think this is a cultural thing.
OK? You know, he's probably going through a bit of sorry business, needs to go on walkabout.
Is that right? We just need to be sensitive.
Alright? We need to be culturally sensitive.
Screw you, man.
Fuck walkabout! It's always sad when they go like this.
You know what this is? Huh? You only want to send me to black places where black people are.
That is totally inappropriate.
It's because No, Ernie, that's racist.
Alright? You're being racist and that's making everyone very uncomfortable.
(Sobs) Now look what you've done.
Are you happy? Eh? You happy now? It's okay, Catriona.
It's alright.
It's alright.
Sshh, sshh, sshh.
OK, fine.
I'll go to Uluru.
Stop crying.
Right? I'm just I'm just having a bad day.
(Sighs) (It's OK, he's gone.
) (Sighs) Come on now.
You gonna be a good girl? You gonna give Daddy some money? Oh, come on now.
Come on, baby, don't be so tight.
You know I only play you.
Look at you, you're just so pretty with all your lines.
And you're so colourful, yes, you are.
Just make me wanna press your buttons like that, you big running bear.
Come on, you big running bear, baby! You gonna give me the jackpot? You gonna give me the free spins? Yeah, what about the free spins, huh? Come on? Give me the free spin now! Come on, baby.
(Cackles and gasps) I got to ask you to leave.
Oh, sorry, we just I just Now.
Come on.
Come on, sir.
Come on.
(Strains) Come on.
I'll be back next week to collect what you took off me.
Don't any of you touch her! She's mine.
Just leave here alone.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Idiot.
Stupid idiot.
'Eating an apple in the Big Apple.
' Fucking idiot.
Just act white.
Act white in here.
Just (Mutters gibberish) You stupid fat, dumb, dumb, fat fucking Nobody likes you.
Nobody likes you.
(Sobs) You're Ernie Dingo.
You're Ernie fucking Dingo.
OK, alright.
Oh, what you got a new onephay? Yeah, it's red hot.
Oh, what, call the cops! Sshh, not to oudlay.
(Oh, what, call the cops!) Bra.
Eyes and ears, bra.
Oh, where'd ya get that from? Not like back in the day, eh? We didn't even have mobile phones back then.
It was pay phone job and only rich fellas had home phone at home there.
Broke into the phone shop, lifted it straight off the countertop.
They didn't even see me coming, bra.
Inglis and Merritt, they ain't got nothing on me.
I could've done the whole shop over.
Oh, what? Call the cops! Sshh, not too loud, bra.
Eyes and ears, bra.
Hi, love.
I see you got the mobile phone I bought you.
Is that the one you wanted? Yeah, Nan.
It's working OK? Yeah.
You got a job yet? Nah, Nan.
Nah, I haven't.
Huh? No.
Gee, 38-year-old, still living at home with Mum and Dad.
No job.
Just leave me alone now, please.
I'm with my bra.
Your bra wanna get a job too.
Make sure you ring me now.
Eh, look out.
'Make sure you ring me now'.
Call the cops! Hello, Margaret.
What are you two doing together? Nothing.
I just saw your pokie all alone looking unattended, so I thought I'd come over and give her a press.
How dare you.
You have no right.
Well, I didn't think I'd see your face here again.
Pretty shame what happened last time.
You, of all people, should know that nothing comes between me and my girl.
Though I find it surprising she's letting you press her buttons so easily.
I usually have to press them pretty hard to get her to work.
Maybe that's your problem.
Maybe you're just not pressing her right.
Aren't you banned? Banned? (Chuckles) They'd never ban me.
They know how good I am to my girl.
I've given her plenty over the last six months.
Six months.
What a waste of time.
What's that supposed to mean? You know exactly what I mean.
Don't play games with me, Margaret.
Funny you should mention games.
Why? You wanna know why? 'Cause that's what she's been giving me all afternoon.
Free games, baby.
I don't believe you.
Got free games in the free games.
Hush your lips.
That's right.
Gave me five of a kind.
No.
Times ten.
Lies! And then she gave me the mini jackpot.
You cruel, cruel woman! Right before she gave me the major jackpot.
It's not true.
I don't believe you.
Then what's this? (Sobs) (Laughs) You better run and don't bother coming back, because she's mine, you hear me? All mine! (Laughs maniacally) Oh, good, you're late.
Hat off.
Make sure before we go into court that you straighten yourself up.
Why? What's wrong with how I look? Those jeans for a start.
If you walk into Judge Daniels' court dressed like that, he'll lose his shit.
So? It's a free country.
I can dress how I want.
Yeah, maybe so, but Judge Daniels is old school.
You look up 'traditional judge' in the dictionary and Oh.
Holy shit.
Here he comes now.
Good morning, Judge Daniels.
Good morning, Mr Adams.
Is this your client, is it? Yes, sir.
This is Geoffrey.
Well, Geoffrey, I hope you don't think you're coming into my courtroom dressed like that.
No, sir.
Good.
Disrespect like that could see you your being head cut off.
Good day, gentleman.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Are you OK, sir? Actually, I was just looking for the dairy aisle, but I think I've taken a wrong turn somewhere.
Yes, you have, but don't you worry, I'm more than happy to help you and take you there.
Thank you, that's very kind.
That's no worries.
OK, sir, we're nearly there.
Yeah.
Alright.
OK, here we go.
Here we go, sir.
Now, would you like me to grab anything for you? Oh, aren't you a sweetheart? If you could just grab me some cheese, please.
Yeah, no worries.
Any kind in particular? Coon cheese.
Pardon? Coon cheese.
Just some of the Coon cheese, please.
It's because I'm black, isn't it? Excuse me? You asked for the Coon cheese because I'm black.
I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were black.
Don't play games with me.
You knew the moment you saw me.
But I'm blind.
Bullshit! Is this what you do for kicks? Is this fun to you? I told you, I'm blind.
That's right.
Blind to the suffering of my people, blind to the hurt and the pain you cause with your insensitive ill-informed racist jokes, blind to the torment people like you cause when you ask for your your Coon cheese! I'm going to give you until the count of three.
One two That's it.
You like that? (Gasps) You think it's funny, huh? You racist.
You think that's funny now.
See? Do you see? See? Martin.
Where's your guide dog, Martin? Is he really blind? Yes! And remember, Martin, you're on Aboriginal land.
Has she gone? Has she gone? Yes, she's gone.
She's gone.
Are you sure? Hold my hand.
(I'll call you later.
.
) (Don't make it too late.
) Who was that woman just then? Jenny.
What's her last name? Anderson.
From Mt Isa, eh? Yeah.
How you know? That's Granny Evelyn's mob? What? Well, Granny Evelyn's grandfather was married to this one woman who had three kids to this one fella from Cloncurry whose cousin was twice divorced from that same man who fathered a boy to that one Afghani aunty whose ex-husband was running around with this one woman who was married to an Anderson.
So that makes You're cousins.
Here, start scrubbing your tongue and your budhoo 'cause that be some incestuous shit.
As I tell you, he who will betray me, sits at this table.
What? (Animated chatter) I'm not like that.
I'm hungry.
What? I'm hungry.
(Animated chatter) Can we order? Yes, but make it quick.
(Whistles) I'll get the duck.
Do you have honey chicken? No.
Alright, I'll have the duck.
Finished? Yes.
We can go on? Now, where was I? Yes.
One of you will betray me.
(Animated chatter) Who ordered the duck? I did.
Crispy skin? Yes, please.
Judas, you know, one day I'm gonna drive you, man.
What? Don't 'what' me.
You're being passive aggressive.
You know exactly what you're doing.
Passive aggressive? Me? Moi? I didn't cause the waiter to come back in.
It says crispy skin on the menu.
That is your last warning.
ALL: Ooooh! Last warning, that's not fair.
Do you want another one? No.
No.
Well, cut the shit.
Alright, where was I? Eat of this bread - it is of my flesh.
Drink of this wine - it is of my blood.
Is that a bit weird? That's weird.
That's a bit weird.
That's weird.
It's a metaphor, dickhead.
Alright.
Jesus, settle down.
I tell you I'm going to bust your mouth.
When you gonna shut up, man? I'm trying to do something here.
Will you shut up? Shut up.
Eat of this bread - it is of my body.
Drink of this I think I'll have some chicken with my bread.
Ooh, Jesus, that looks nice.
Yeah, Jesus, that's beautiful.
All kidding aside, seriously, that is some good body of Christ.
Have you tasted this blood of Christ? Got a real fruity flavour, but a subtle No, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey, that's not how you're supposed to use the terms.
Oh, man.
Oh (Chatter) Oh, whatever.
I need to find myself some new apostles, man.
I'm sorry.
I just can't do this anymore.
Not after what you did to me with Margaret.
I've tried to look past it but it's not something I can forgive easily.
I guess it's my fault in a way.
I should've read the signs.
You just weren't giving me anything, yet I kept expecting something.
It's OK, though.
I've I've met a new game.
It's still early in our relationship but it looks promising.
She's already given me free spins a few times and just yesterday she put out a major jackpot.
500 bucks.
I know it's not the 728 you gave me once, but we both know that was a long time ago.
And besides her buttons are a lot easier to press.
So goodbye.
I'm going to go play her now.
I hope you're happy with Margaret.
I really do.
(Gasps) We shouldn't.
You know what happened last time.
What about Margaret? OK.
Just once more for old times sake.
Oh.
Yeah! Oh, you like that when I press your buttons, yeah? Yeah, you like that.
Oh, yeah! What about the jackpot? You got the jackpot for me, huh? Where's the jackpot? Oh! Oh! It's OK, OK, I know.
It's time to go.
I will always love you.
(Sobs) Pillia Mittigar, children.
Today I'm going to tell you the story of how earthquakes were made.
A long, long time ago in the Dreamtime, there was a tribe.
This tribe specialised in corroborees and entertainment.
They were known throughout the land.
One day, they decided they were going to make a children's TV show.
For children just like you.
They needed a storyteller to tell their Dreamtime stories.
They searched far and wide, but they had no luck.
Then one night, at a koorioke competition, they found her on stage, singing her signature song, Jolene, and drinking her signature drink, a rum and Coke.
They asked her to come join them.
They said they'd make her the biggest, most famous storyteller in all of the lands.
So she did.
The beautiful storyteller stuck by the tribe and soon they had the highest afternoon ratings in all the land.
But then things started to change.
Her story time kept getting shorter and shorter.
And after what she thought was a minor disagreement with the director, she was called in for a meeting with the bosses.
They asked her if there was anything going on at home that they should know about, and then told her to take two weeks off because she 'deserves a break'.
So she did, and she felt so refreshed that she came back early.
But when she gets back to the studio, someone else is in her story place, a different storyteller - a younger storyteller, a slimmer storyteller, Cara the Crocodile, her replacement.
Cara the Crocodile, fucking pointy toothed, Miss Logie winner, size eight, thinks her shit don't stink.
So the storyteller smiles and she goes to her last week of filming and she pretends that she's happy, but she isn't.
Inside, she is fuming.
Inside, she's ready to explode.
No-one replaces her.
No-one! Especially not with Cara the Crocodile, fucking Cara the dumb shit Crocodile! (Shouts indistinctly) I'm top bitch around here! Me! Fuck you, idiots! Fuck 'em! Fuck 'em! (Chuckles) And that, children, is the Dreamtime story of how earthquakes are made.
I could fucking kill youse! (Shrieks) (Shrieking and barking like a dog) Oh! Oh! Eyah, slut.
What slut? Can't even root.
(Gasps) Well, what's this, then, slut? Well, what's this, then, slut? BOTH: Well, what's this, then, slut? Well, what's this, then, slut? Oh, yeah, well, what's this, then, slut? Ooh, yeah! (Smacking) What's this, then, slut? Well, what's this, then sluts? Mark Johnson.
Fuck, yeah! (Speaks in Pig Latin gibberish) (Continues speaking in Pig Latin gibberish) (Continues speaking in Pig Latin gibberish) (Continues speaking in Pig Latin gibberish) Know what I saying? Yeah.
Nuh.
Eh?