Black-ish (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

Halloween has always been my favorite holiday, and not just because it lets me show off my killer decorating skills.
What? It doesn't look like a John Woo movie when you decorate for Halloween? Hmm.
You must not be doing it right.
But what I love most about Halloween is a Johnson family tradition I like to call "pranking the living crap out of each other.
" Guys, come here.
Come meet your new cousin, Colton.
Aunt Jill says be very careful - when you hold him, all right? - So sweet.
You thought you killed the baby! It's not real! Bam! Oh, he kicked the baby! But the kids also hold their own with the pranks, especially Zoey.
Hey, Junior, there's a girl named Sophie calling you.
Sophie? Sophie's calling me? Whoa! Sophie.
But when it comes to the most devilish pranks, no one can stop me.
What is A bra? That's why they call me "the prank king.
" Trashy purple underwear? What's going on? Who's in there? - Who is in there?! - What? - Who's in the closet? - Nobody.
- Who's in the closet? - What closet? You thought dad was blowing up your marriage.
I'm telling you.
This long-standing tradition really bonds us together At least, it does when Bow can take a freakin' joke.
Good going, you guys.
Black-ish - 01x06 "The Prank King" Oh, look at that A fake spider in my night-guard case.
Aww.
The twins must have tried to prank me.
Stupid twins.
Oh, my God.
Huh? - It's you.
- What? You're the stupid twins.
Come on, Bow.
Make an effort.
- Oh, that was my warm up.
- Oh? You just need to prepare to be dethroned this year, prank king.
What? Oh.
Oh, you - You really think you're gonna get me? - Yeah.
Huh.
Your poker face gives away more than an episode of "Oprah's favorite things.
" I knew it! Secret Oprah fan.
Yes! Yes, I am.
I miss her every day.
Don't you love her? Here's a tip from the prank king.
Okay.
Fake spiders - Yes? - Bush league.
- Oh, come on.
- You want to prank? - Use real spiders.
- What? - Like that one.
- What? Oh! Oh, hey, babe, babe, babe, babe, babe.
I was joking, all right? - It's fake.
- What? But the superglue on that magazine? Totally real.
What? Dre, that is not funny.
- Dre! - Yes, it is! Dre, I have surgery in the morning.
Well, I'm about to go to bed.
What?! - Babe? - Hmm? What was that? I didn't hear anything.
You're so paranoid.
You always think you hear something, Dre.
No, no, babe.
I definitely heard something.
- Hmm? - This could be it - The home invasion.
- What? Okay, babe, babe, babe, babe.
You go and check.
- No! What? - Go check.
Dre, you go check.
Okay, you're right.
You're right.
- I'll go check.
I'll go check.
- Okay.
All right, family room clear.
- Patio clear.
- What? Fridge too clear.
- You got to shop.
What? - Dre.
Why do you have a camera in the refrigerator? To see what's in there to determine if I'm gonna go downstairs or not.
- You know, saves me a trip.
- You are the laziest man I ever met.
What? Are there any grapes in there? - Uh, no.
- Oh.
What? Oh.
Hey, babies.
Diane had a nightmare and told me about it, and now I'm more scared than she is.
Can we sleep in your room tonight? Yeah, come on.
Come on, come on.
Get in here.
Just get up.
Get in here.
Ow.
This is nice.
Mm-hmm.
What the We wet the bed.
You guys got pranked! Boo-yah! Unh-unh.
These are 1,200-thread-count sheets.
Family meeting! Now! Let's go.
What does that mean? Hey! All right, now, as you all know, pranking each other on Halloween is a long and glorious Johnson family tradition.
We know, dad.
So why do we need to hear about it in the middle of the night? Because the youngest members of our team are confused as to what constitutes a prank.
We peed on daddy.
Again, not a prank.
Hey, now, I'm gonna need you guys to look to Zoey as your role model 'cause she is an evil genius.
I mean, Sophie really calling you? Why would she even have your number, huh? - Hey, but I - Shut up! Baby girl, I'm really excited about what you have planned this year, all right? Now, if you can somehow arrange it so he ends up publicly naked - Whoo! That's a prank.
- I hate to break it to you, but not really sure I'm gonna prank this year.
Not really feeling it anymore.
- Wow.
- What do you mean? What do you mean, you're not gonna prank this year? Baby, you're the only one that inherited my pranking gene.
- Hey! - Hey.
Why don't you want to do it anymore, baby? Yeah.
I don't know.
It's just kind of lame.
I feel like I've outgrown it.
Oh.
Okay.
Hilarious! What, you're serious? Babe, you don't outgrow pranking.
Bow, are you hearing this nonsense? - I am, sweetheart.
She's a teenager now.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- These things are bound to happen.
- Oh, not to me.
Yeah, dad.
I'm 15.
I'm out.
Ohh.
Family meeting adjourned! Kids - Don't look at me.
- It's okay, sweetie.
- Don't look at your father.
- No! But she decided to bail on the family tradition that we've worked years at building, man.
This is the kind of stuff that tears families apart.
The family that pranks together stays together.
Wait, Dre.
I think it's "prays.
" Uh, Kris, I think you work for me.
Oh, God! It stings so bad! Boo-to-the-ya! You just got Josh'd! Josh not my favorite guy, mostly because he's always asking me if I know Jay-Z.
But this solid prank.
This is scalding hot coffee.
Burned twice.
Why is everyone standing around, not working? I pranked Kris.
Made his pour scalding hot coffee all over his body.
Outstanding.
Hey, good one, Josh.
Oh, thanks, Dr.
Driggity Dre.
That means a lot, especially coming from you.
Why is that? Well, I know bros aren't exactly into pranks.
Bros tend to be a little touchy about being startled.
I think they're startled at the comfort level in which you use the word "bro.
" But, hey, I love pranks, all right? Everybody enjoys a good prank.
- Boom.
- I am so not okay.
Oh, maybe you should get to the hospital.
We'll roll calls when you get back.
Ow! All right, buddy? - Hey, babe.
- Hmm? Big news.
I found a way to save Halloween.
Ooh, that's great.
I found a way to save a guy that was at the bottom of a pool for 20 minutes.
- But but you go.
- Okay.
Here's what I realized.
There's something about watching another person's humiliation that makes you feel good about yourself.
Uh today, Kris got pranked and the entire company went out of a long lunch Not Kris.
Underwater for 20 minutes.
Heart completely stopped.
And that's when it hit me.
What does Zoey love more than anything in the world? Watching bad stuff happen to Junior.
So all I have to do is prank him in front of her, and she'll remember how magical pranking is and get back in the game.
And then the prank king is back on top! He drove himself home from the hospital.
Very little brain damage, so Good job, Bow! I enlisted Jack and Diane as my accomplices to prank Junior, hoping to show them a non-urine-based stunt.
Can you help me with my legos? I'm not sure I did it right.
Not sure? This is a disaster.
For starters, if you're gonna built the cantina at Mos Eisley, solo can't be here.
Where's his line of fire? Think! Chair monster! Chair monster! Zoey, you see the look on your brother's face? Priceless! Priceless! You can't put a price on it! I always thought I was gonna die that way.
Zoey, how cool was that? You're feeling it, right? Hey, I know you're feeling it.
Not really.
It was actually kind of mean.
- What? - I saw the light.
My entire life flashed before my eyes.
I got to do more.
Come on, Zoey.
That didn't inspire you to prank again? Dad grow up.
Wha What was happening to my little girl.
Well, at least I had Junior.
I'm out, too.
Hey, guys.
Come on, g I used to be their king.
Now I'm just a fool dressed like a chair.
So pranking was out.
But at least we had an amazing family costume lined up.
I was mid-'70s Tito, and there was no better time to be Tito.
Hey! Marlon, Jermaine, your polyester awaits.
- Ow! - Ow.
Okay.
- Uh, I don't want to wear that.
- It looks too itchy.
Very hard pass.
Wait a minute.
Neither of you want to do the family costume this year? Junior, come on, man.
You love costumes.
Sorry, dad.
I Can you believe this? Look, don't panic, all right.
We can still make it work with the little ones.
Are you insane? That that makes no sense.
We don't have enough people.
What are we supposed to do, walk around with a sign that says "we're the Jackson 3 plus Janet"? What's happening to our family? - We're losing them.
- Oh, they're gone.
Look, we've become the family that doesn't even eat together.
They'll move out.
They won't call.
Hell, we'll be lucky if they visit you in the home.
W-whoa.
Whoa, why am I the one in the home? Come on, Bow.
We both know that I'm not a good caretaker.
Just makes more sense.
Can't the kids take care of me? So this was shaping up to be the worst Halloween ever.
I needed something to cheer me up.
Ooh, look.
An idiot in a trash can.
Josh, how long have you been in there? All day.
I admire your dedication.
Man, wish you were my kid.
I wish you were my dad.
I was joking.
Yeah, me too.
My dad's awesome.
Oh.
Oh, hey.
Here comes Charlie.
Get him for me, all right? I could use a pick-me-up.
Hey, Charlie! Come over here, man.
Let me holler at you for a second.
Uh, can you make it fast? I have a hayride in 10 minutes.
It's 11:00 A.
M.
Uh, this part of town is on curfew.
Ohh! What the hell, man?! I thought someone was trying to jump me.
See, Dre? This is what I was saying about starling a bro.
- Let me see, let me see.
- Oh, damn, Josh.
It looks broke.
It hurts.
You should to go the hospital.
It's okay if you're late for the meeting.
- Okay.
- Hey.
I want to talk to you, man.
- Hey.
- What? - Did I looked scared? - Yeah.
Weren't you? No, man.
I knew he was in there.
I wasn't gonna waste an opportunity to sock a dude.
Charlie, why did you do that? 'Cause it's hilarious.
See, man, now he's gonna think all those messed-up stereotypes about black folks are true.
Man, he'll never stop asking me if I know Jay-Z.
But don't you know Jay-Z? A little bit.
But that's beside the point.
Man, look.
All black people don't know one another.
Do you know Rupaul? Yeah.
I I do, actually.
Me too.
Cool chick.
While I might know a lot of black people, it turns out I don't know my own children.
So, guys, since it's just the four of us for family costumes, we were thinking we would go as the Beatles.
Huh? Ew.
Beetles? We don't want to be bugs.
No, no, no! The Beatles.
The Beatles? The Beatles.
I'm not hearing a difference.
- Are you? - No.
You know what? I'm gonna put an end to the foot-dragging about Halloween.
Whoever puts on their Halloween costume and goes trick-or-treating with me and mommy gets to eat all of their Halloween candy on that night.
No waiting, no restraints.
Boom.
Huh? No, thanks.
We don't want any candy.
What? No no candy? W-w-what? Huh? What do you mean, you don't want candy? They learned about diabetes at school today.
- What? - Yep.
Damn hippy school.
- What's happened to you? - Candy kills.
I don't want to go blind and lose my feet.
Hey.
You know what? This is it.
I'm out.
Oh.
Halloween's over.
Oh, babe.
And you wouldn't lose both feet.
You just lose one at a time.
Dre! Dre! Stop! Stop it! You're scaring the kids! What kids?! We don't have kids! Everybody's grown up! You know, we don't need any of this! Halloween is officially cancelled! No.
No.
No! No! No! No! Oh.
Stay down, sucka! Halloween's over for you, too.
Damn it! So, while my Halloween plans stay at home were falling apart, things at work weren't much better.
Gentlemen, last night, I received a very upsetting phone call from H.
R.
In the middle of my "Bones" marathon.
Now, Dre, a member of your team assaulted a co-worker? Um, it was an accident.
No.
I jacked him up.
Uh, dude, I'm trying to help you out, okay? Relax.
Joker jumped out on me.
It's, uh, my fault.
I should have known.
Micro-targeting studies show that 84% of black men did not like being startled, while the other 16% find it "messed up.
" - What?! Man, this is crazy.
- Guys, guys, now, look.
Now, I-I-I love publicly humiliating an employee as much as the next guy Probably more But the risk of litigation is just too great.
So from now on, Stevens & Lido is a prank-free zone.
That's it.
No more.
But you can still put stuff in people's yogurt 'Cause that's just fun.
Totally.
- Okay.
- Mm.
So that kind of put a dent in my day, but this this totaled it.
I came home and found my family had gone to the movies on Halloween without me! I don't need them, anyway.
More secret candy for me.
Got you! They thought I threw you away.
Me throw out candy? Ha! Who needs 10 toes? What was that? Hello? What? I'm not alone! That's the sound of my shotgun, in case you didn't hear it.
Okay.
Uh, all right, living room clear.
Back patio clear.
Fridge still no grapes.
Foyer clear.
Family room Big black man! Oh.
Look at him! O-oh, God! Oh, oh, oh! Look, now he's making himself big, like he's facing a bear.
Oh, you guys oh, thank you so much.
Thank you for helping me out this year.
Mommy really needed a win.
I tell you, It's always like year after year after year.
He's just he's so cocky.
You know what I'm talking about? It's like, God, how much can a girl take? You know what I mean? It's like Oh, God.
- Uh, are you okay, mom? - Yeah, I am.
It's just, you know, he's a lot sometimes.
- Uh-huh.
So, you know.
- Oh, my gosh.
He's army crawling into the living room.
Yes, he is.
Oh, God! He's trying to go up the fireplace.
Does he not understand gravity? - Obviously not.
- Come on, Junior.
What's next? Well, I hid a Bluetooth speaker in the living room So let's see what happens when he hears this.
Go, go.
Oh, God.
I always knew it would end like this.
You know what 84% of black men don't do when they hear a scary noise? Try to figure out where it's coming from.
I'm out of here.
Got you! That's right! We pranked you, prank king! - You were so scared.
- You almost peed on you! Hey, it's not funny.
That is not funny.
Actually, it's extremely funny.
We made you think that we hated Halloween, and you bought it.
- Yeah! - Uh, guys? Just a second.
Just a second.
I got to make sure my husband knows that he's my prank bitch! - Guys, there's a dude in our backyard.
- What? Oh, my God! Oh, my Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, okay, let's get Okay.
The look on their faces pure terror.
The look on my face pure joy.
Because the prank king was way ahead of them.
I figured out the other day they were planning something, and I anticipated my family's every move Except this one.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Kick him till he's dead! - No! No, no, no! Bow! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Get back.
It's Josh.
You all right? Uh-huh.
Josh from work.
Hi.
Yeah.
You have a lovely home.
Thank you so much.
What the hell is going on? - Do you have any ice? - Oh.
Someone need some ice? Sorry.
I was gonna do the whole scare thing, but I heard you all having a chit-chat, so I poured myself some scotch.
I My Macallan 18? Okay, someone needs to tell me what is going on! So ripping down the decorations and doing a reverse Santa Claus back up the chimney was all a part of the plan? Babe, I had to let you think that your little plan was working.
The takeaway Don't plot against me and forget that there's a camera in the refrigerator.
Oh, no! Look at that.
Ha! He totally bought it.
Standing there all sad in his tito outfit.
Nuh-uh.
Look at your mama.
Next step the break-in.
- You heard everything! - Yeah, I saw it.
Oh, come on.
You guys, who ate all the grapes? Those were my grapes.
You know what? You out-pranking us was actually pretty awesome, dad.
Can't wait to get you back next year.
Aww, thank you, baby girl.
That means a lot, and I know you meant it because you weren't looking at your phone when you said it.
Wait.
What? I - Babe, I got to hand it to you.
- Oh.
You really tapped into my biggest fears.
Home invasion? No.
The thought of you guys growing up.
That scares the hell out of me.
Please don't do it for another 15, 20 years, okay? - Okay.
- Aww.
- Uh, you all got a maid? - What? 'Cause she's gonna have to clean that microwave.
It's filthy.
So it was a good Halloween after all.
Turns out, the Johnson family traditions Hey, son, hold out your right hand.
- All right.
- Watch this.
Afro! Afro! You know Jordan? Yeah, I met him at a golf tournament once.
What about Ray from Account? Of course! I don't play with my money.
- Craig and them? - No! Oh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- From Long Beach? - Yeah.
- I went to their barbecue last summer.
- Damn it! Josh can't be right.
Between the two of us, there has to be a black person that we don't know.
- Dionne Warwick? - Wonderful woman, generous lover.
- What!? - What? I didn't I didn't say nothing.