Black Jesus (2014) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Jesus, come quick! I checked them last night.
They must've wilted overnight, all of them.
- Drogas.
Drugs in the salad! - What, is there weed - in the tomato? - 'Cause they get you high like weed, but there ain't no weed in 'em.
- It's just God's love and grace.
- Retro J's? - Mm-hmm.
- Baby, you didn't.
- I did.
- Oh, my God.
We got to pull off this heist tonight.
We got to go procure the manure, man.
We need it for the garden.
I'm on fire! Aah! Aah! Tell you like this that whole garden thing That's just some Jim Jones cultness.
You think we don't know you're growing weed in there?! You ain't got nothing else better to do than - ride our bumper all day, man? - We ain't going nowhere till we find out what's going on in there! All right, place is clean.
We're out of here.
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, but we - cool, right? - We ain't cool.
That's right, con man, we gonna be back.
We gonna be back, con man.
Ha! That's right! Sweat! Make that sauce.
Not only am I your lord and - savior, the light and the way - Mm-hmm.
I'm also your direct supervisor, so I'm gonna - need you to watch out one time.
- What? What is that, brah?! You gots to taste the love, man! Come on, brah! Ahh.
- Sauce.
- Man, I can't believe I've been stirring this shit for three hours, bro.
But I ain't really tripping, though, 'cause these tomatoes got me higher than a mother[Bleep.]
You better slow down, Joe Brown.
You know, God's love will get you [Bleep.]
up quick.
But I just really want to say thanks for the job, man.
I mean, it feels good to be back around the homeys and shit.
Man, that valet job that shit was killing me.
It ain't nothin', man.
We're glad to have you back.
But did you tell Dianne you quit your job? No, I ain't got around to it yet.
Unh-unh.
Wait, now.
What's all this chitchat, huh? Y'all stop stirring, Ms.
Tudi stop making money.
My lord and savior! Ha ha! How you doing, Ms.
Tudi? - I'm good.
- Ms.
Tudi, I was just thanking Jesus here for the job, and I want to thank you, too.
And I promise you I will not let you down.
Yes, you will.
But it's okay, baby.
It's okay, because the point is I can trust you, and that's what I need right now, 'cause we got a big shipment to make and a lot of jars to fill.
Trayvon and Maggie are in there - doing a photo shoot.
- Man, Ms.
Tudi.
I still can't believe y'all pulled this shit off.
Hey, well, we're pulling it off, huh, Jesus? - Mm-hmm.
- We're making a list of cannabis clubs, and they can't keep it in stock.
Now we just got to keep up with the demand.
Well, Ms.
Tudi, if the tomatoes ain't got no weed in it, why you just can't sell it to everybody? - Mnh-mnh.
- Tell him, Jesus.
You can't do that.
You only can sell it to people who want to get high, brah.
Even though the tomatoes only got God's good love in 'em - That's what I'm talkin' about.
- You can't take away folks' free will.
You don't want yours took away, do you? - Oh, no.
- Right, babies.
Make that money! Just smile for me.
Ugh.
I don't like it.
It doesn't say, "Sicilian - grandmother" to me.
- You're over analyzing.
It definitely says, "Sicilian.
" I think it's the scarf.
The scarf it's giving me more Bosnian refugee.
That's what I'm feeling from this.
Can you just loosen up a little bit for her, please? I'm sorry.
She looks like a white mammy, like a Sicilian mammy.
She's giving me straight-up Aunt Jemima.
This is [Bleep.]
up.
All right.
What do you want from her? I don't know.
I mean, I just feel like - Well, talk to her.
- Permiso.
Do you feel like this is offensive to you as an Italian? - I am Armenian, sweetheart.
- What the [Bleep.]
is Armenian? Okay, what's going on here? Really? Move out of the way.
Move out of the way.
Let me see what y'all are doing.
- Ooh, I like it.
I like it.
- See? She looks like an Italian Mrs.
Butterworth.
- Told you.
- All right.
- Uh, listen, Trayvon - Yes, ma'am? Are you almost done? 'Cause you know I still need my profile pic.
Oh, definitely.
I got you.
No worries.
Hey, wait, wait.
What profile? Christian hookup, child.
Yep.
It's time for me to join the 21st century.
I see.
You're gonna be sexting in no time.
Uh, no, no, no.
I ain't about all that, but I am gonna step into the online world.
I just hope I don't meet no crazy nigga.
Watch out for catfishing.
It's very real.
- Hey, councilman! - Hell, no, we won't grow! You see, this is a community garden, but the community didn't even ask for this garden.
It's a religious cult.
See? All that community stuff is a big smokescreen.
What you're actually looking at is an unregulated full for-profit business, and they're making a lot of money in there, too.
Hey, I hope you know you're supporting a cult.
You know, I've always said ain't nothing worse than a bunch of thugs and hoodlums raising some unregulated vegetables in the hood.
Well, well, well.
There's two of them right now.
Former convict.
Why don't you get off our nuts, Vic, and give them old people their suits back, man? Yeah, man.
You're not supposed to wash your suit jacked with your blue jeans.
That's pretty good.
Young man, I'd like to ask you a few questions.
[Bleep.]
Your questions, nigga.
Hey, man, you can't talk to no city councilman like that.
This is one of your community leaders.
This Barry bonds-lookin' mother[Bleep.]
ain't a community leader.
You recognize this nigga.
The nigga was a former pimp from Long Beach.
Nigga had one ho with one eye.
Yeah, that's him.
He had the website and everything Get your [Bleep.]
ass up out of here.
Go ahead and run.
Make sure you tell the con man city council's down here.
- We're gonna take this lot back! - [Bleep.]
you, Vic! I swear to God, if I wasn't on parole, man - I hate this nigga! - You used to run hos, nigga? You look sexy.
- You're gonna get a lot of hits.
- You think so? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
All right.
So, next step do you want the push notifications to go to your phone, or how do you want it? Push not what is that? Well, basically, push notification alerts you when you get a specific match or you get a response you know, - things like that.
- Oh.
On my phone? - Yeah, on your phone.
- Go ahead, baby.
- All righty.
- Okay.
I am looking for a man who loves the lord Jesus Christ, loves to cook, loves to dance, has respect for interior design.
I'm an independent businesswoman.
I take my career seriously.
I need a man who respects that.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- I think we're ready to go live.
Live, baby! Here we go.
Man, I swear to God I can't stand them niggas, man! Still mad at Lloyd about that potato salad? No, Vic puss ass.
- Again, brah? - Again! And this time he brought that shady-ass city councilman with him.
Damn.
Are you serious? Boonie and fish, what's this I'm hearing about Vic? He out there protesting the garden again, and he not leaving! - Damn it! - Well, what's his problem? He ain't had no ass in a while.
That's why I do myself.
Boonie, enough.
Stop, okay? Seriously, though, what's up with this dude? To tell you the truth, Ms.
Tudi, dude don't like me.
I mean, he a good dude, but he just think I'm a criminal or something.
- I don't know.
- What are we go do? I mean, we can always surrender.
- Surrender? - Look, y'all, this garden, these tomatoes that's some amazing stuff.
But with them comes great struggle for all of us.
We're all gonna be tested, y'all.
I ain't trying to hear all that, Jesus.
- What are we gonna do? - We pray.
Come on.
Bring it in, everybody.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, man.
What, you too hard to pray? Bring your ass in here.
Don't put that blanket on me.
Dear lord, we come to you today 'cause we need some help.
This fool Vic is being a real dick right now, and he's making it real hard on the streets.
We seek your blessing and guidance to find the sanctuary from his dickery and bring this community garden together.
- Mm.
- And in my holy and beautiful and magnificent and, you know, benevolent and merciful name the one you gave me, 'cause you know how I get down, like, world-renowned, you know, walk on water, you know perform miracles that's all because of you, lord.
- I thank you.
- All right, nigga.
In my magnificent name, let the congregation say Amen! See how that felt? Ooh, yeah! Uh-oh! Sookie, Sookie, now! Potential matches in the area! - Who is it? - Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.
Okay, fine, but I want the sneakers back.
- What? - You want to renege on our agreement.
You want to quit the job that I found you and go back to hanging out with this psycho bum loser.
Fine! But I'm taking the sneakers back.
They were expensive.
Where are they? Baby, that is so petty.
- Petty?! - Yes, petty, and I'm a tell you why.
You found me a job, right? - Mm-hmm.
- I took it.
I found a better job that's paying way more money.
Baby, that's hustling forward.
And then you won't even come to the garden to see what we're doing.
Okay, okay.
Baby, look Are you in a cult? Because I don't want to build my future around a guy who is in a cult.
See? There you go.
Why you always got to go there? Hello? Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
Vic going to dinner with who? Isn't it funny that you and I have been living in the same neighborhood forever - and never really connected? - You know, I got to admit I was shocked when I found out that you had something to do - with the garden.
- Well, you know, I put a lot of money in that place because I wanted the guys to - have something productive to do.
- And you thought a marijuana grow app was something productive? Okay.
We were gonna grow weed and then use the garden as a cover-up, but the weed didn't grow.
I mean, everything else grew but the weed.
I don't know.
God was, like, trying to tell us something, and all we had was these amazing vegetables.
Hmm.
That's the sauce.
Let me help you.
I got to admit this does look very nasty.
Well, my son said you like to hate first and then ask questions later.
Yeah, well, I'm a man with discerning tastes.
Just hush and try it.
- Come on.
- Thank you.
- Mmm! That's good! - Mm-hmm.
- It's real good! - I know it is! - Ms.
Tudi got the good stuff now.
- Mm-hmm! So, listen I'm thinking, moving forward, we should clear a few things up, because let's face it both of us are too old to be trying to change for anyone.
I mean, if it's gonna work, it's gonna work as it is or it ain't gonna work at all.
Am I right? - That's right.
- And my relationship with Jesus well, it's very important in my life.
Mine is, too.
My father and my Uncle's a preacher.
Mmm.
Well, I'm talking about my personal relationship with Jesus.
You know what I'm talking about? - Dirty old stinky nigga? - Vic.
- You, too?! - Vic, come on now.
- Hold on.
- No, you come on.
Look, he's not who you think he is.
Vic, what I'm trying to say to you is that just because I believe in him doesn't mean that you have to.
I mean, you know, he's my lord and savior, but - Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.
- Mmm! - Mmm.
Wow! As I was saying - Go ahead.
- The con man is bad people.
Well, I was hoping that we could agree to disagree you know, call it "denominational differences.
" That's what I mean.
As for the garden, you know, I would like it if the concerned citizens of southwest Compton not be so concerned anymore.
Just like you, Vic you're not really concerned anymore, are you? Not at all.
- Feeling good, huh? - Mm-hmm.
- Feeling relax? - Mm-hmm.
You want some more sauce? - Absolutely.
- Whoo! Be right back.
Come on, Tudi, will you be mine? I'll make love till the sun come out You know just what I'm talkin' about Well, I must say I have had a wonderful time.
- So have I.
- Have you? - Thank you for everything.
- I can't wait - to see you again.
- Oh, really? - Oh, really.
- I make a good - pound cake, too.
- Oh, yeah.
Ohh.
Good night, Vic.
- Bye.
- Bye, baby.
Yo, you find out what happened with Boonie mama last night yet? Man, I don't even want to think about last night, man! My mama probably is washing up in his sink.
I ain't heard from her yet, man, and pops ain't said nothing about it, neither.
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Hey, good morning, Vic! Man, that suit is sharp! Got it made at the swap meet by some Africans.
Hey, Boonie, looky here, man.
I want you to make sure you tell your mother I said thank you for that delicious meal she prepared me last night.
The vegetables was awesome! It was actually the best meal I - ever had in my life.
- Okay.
Look, I don't want this to be awkward, okay? Everybody knows I [Bleep.]
on the first date.
But I got the utmost respect for your mother.
Didn't nothing like that go down no sex, nothing.
- Not even oral.
- Okay, man! Hey! Hey, look, the reason I'm telling you all this right now is because last night Me and your mama fell in love, man.
We're in love! And I'll be honest I ain't felt this good in years.
It's the best I ever felt in my life.
And, furthermore, I'm a stand-up dude.
I take care of my kids.
When me and your mama get married I'm gonna be your father.
Nigga, what the [Bleep.]
are you talking about? Watch your language.
I'm about to be your father.
Wait a minute.
Hold up.
- Whoa, Vic.
- What's so funny? It's just out the blue, brah! I mean, we're happy for you, you know? I'm not happy for that mother[Bleep.]
Look, con man, I got a deal for you, all right? We're gonna call a truce.
Yeah, you can have your whole little garden and everything, all right? Only one stipulation you got to stay away from Ms.
Tudi.
- What?! - That's right.
That's my woman.
The last thing I need is for you to be coming between me and my woman.
Nigga, what the [Bleep.]
are you talking about? I think I've said enough.
You gentlemen enjoy the rest of the morning.
And, Boonie, when you're finished talking with your friends, come on upstairs.
I got some trash I want you to take out.
Nigga [Bleep.]
lost his mind.
Try and get Ms.
Tudi on the phone right now, dawg.
You're not gonna say bye to your pops? Okay, okay.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Hey, Ms.
Tudi.
What's up? This be Jesus, baby.
Say it ain't so.
You know I'm sleeping? Let me call you no, I'm fine.
Why? He said what? Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Oh, my God.
"You are so beautiful.
" "I love you.
" "You are my soul mate.
" Shit.
Hey, Ms.
Tudi! Ms.
Tu-ti! Tudi, Tudi, Tudi! - Lord, have mercy.
- There you are.
- How you doing this morning, baby.
- Uh, good morning, Vic.
I see you up early.
Uh, yeah.
What you doing here? Well, I had the overwhelming feeling to just come over here right now and see you right away.
- Oh, lord.
- And guess what.
- What? - I deleted my entire Christian hookup connection, my Buddhist Booty connection, and - my Muslim Matchmakers.
- What are you doing here, baby? Why don't you come down and let me talk to you? Let me come in.
No.
No.
No.
We just saw each other like six hours ago.
Yeah, I know, but six hours is a long time.
I just want to talk to you.
What do you want, baby? - What you want? - I'm gonna be honest with you.
All I know is that after last night A strong feeling came over me - that I ain't feel in years.
- Yeah, I know.
I-I-I know.
Mm, shit.
I'm being honest with you.
I thought I was impotent.
Don't tell nobody that.
I'm a Christian woman.
I'm a Christian, too.
You know, Christians have sex.
That's right.
And then I slipped him some tomato sauce, and this nigga done sent me like 38 texts.
What? Ms Ms.
Tudi, you took away - the dude's free will? - It would have been okay.
I just gave him too much.
You shouldn't have gave him none.
Come on, Ms.
Tudi.
What's wrong with you? You know God don't want you using his gifts like that.
Yeah, but Vic was all on our ass.
It seemed like a damn good idea at the time.
Man, I can't believe you got Vic high off these tomatoes.
That was brilliant.
- Thank you, Jason.
- No, it wasn't, 'cause now Vic think he in love with Ms.
Tudi.
Man, you know what? God don't want you using his miracles like that, and I'm not gonna share 'em with you if you're gonna keep on being irresponsible.
Come on, Ms.
Tudi.
You're hard-headed.
And Boonie didn't get that from his daddy.
- He got that from you.
- Okay.
Well, it's gonna be fine, okay? I know what I'm gonna do.
- Whatever.
- Hey, hey, this ain't the first nigga that's been obsessed with Tudi.
Come on, now.
I'm just saying.
I know how to handle it.
I just want you to know that I think you are a real decent guy I mean real decent but this ain't gonna work.
What are you trying to say? I did something stupid last night, Vic.
I got you high.
There was something in the sauce like weed.
I mean, it wasn't weed, but it was like weed, and that feeling you had honey, it wasn't love and it wasn't me.
You were just high.
Look, Tudi, I was a kid once, all right? I know about weed.
I smoked weed before.
I know what it feels like.
The way I felt last night - that was not weed, all right? - Vic, I'm trying to tell you I put something in the food.
Okay.
I forgive you.
We're Christians.
Vic, it ain't gonna work.
- Why? - Because I'm a stoner, Vic.
I get high and [Bleep.]
all the time.
As a matter of fact, I'm high now.
And I'm a dealer.
And I know you don't want no part of that.
You're lying.
Yeah.
This ain't about weed, okay? This is about the con man.
Vic you were drugged.
That dusty Bed Bath & Beyond robe-wearing - nigga put you up to this.
- Oh, hell.
He's not who you think he is, all right? Just be patient.
It's all gonna come out in the wash.
Vic Look, look where you going, baby? I'm sorry.
It's not gonna work.
Tu Mmm.
Mmm! Damn, baby! This is really good! And you guys grew all this stuff? Yes, we did.
- Mmm! - But it's not just us.
It's a whole lot of other folks, too.
I mean, we got this whole community starting to rethink food and health and all of that.
- What's so funny? - What? - What's funny? - I don't know.
You.
Us.
I just want you to know that I'm just trying to protect us, baby, or at least what I want us to be, you know? This just feels really right to me, and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.
Then don't let it.
Listen, you protect the community and don't worry about us.
I'm not worried, baby.
- I actually feel really good.
- Baby, listen - Why don't you - Mm-hmm? Come see me at the garden? I mean it will mean a lot to me.
I'll come, baby.
I promise, okay? Oh, oh, oh, wait.
Not too much.
You're gonna spoil your dinner.