Black Monday (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
122
1 [SYNTH MUSIC.]
[SINGERS HARMONIZING.]
It's Showtime tonight [DAWN.]
Previously on Black Monday Shit.
We got the money.
Wayne was pulling the LaGuardia Spread with the dough.
[MO.]
When was the last time you had a good time - with that white boy? - Wait, you and Mo? [MO.]
The Leighmans would never make a deal that didn't fuck me over.
[LENNY.]
We went and acquired 30% of the Jammer Group.
- Dawn let it slip.
- [BLAIR.]
We all have to work late tonight to do compliance.
[TIFF.]
You mean a document shred? - [BLAIR.]
How'd you know that? - [TIFF.]
Duh! My family's loaded.
You're gay.
I know you're gay.
That's fuckin' rich coming from you.
What? [SNORING.]
[COUGHS.]
[COUGHING.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Wha Aah Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Wayne, my God, man, who cares what You shit on the floor again? Oh, my God, that's a dead body! - What the fuck did you do? - I didn't do anything! You're holding a fucking gun! - Aah! - [GUN CLATTERS.]
Please, you gotta help me.
Okay, yeah! Yeah, you know what? Uh, you go.
I'll I'll take the fall.
Go.
- Really? - Fuck no, you idiot! We gotta call the cops! You gotta call the cops.
I'm getting the fuck out of here! Bro, five words.
Spring break, 1981, Cabo San Puke-as.
You brought home a girl with an Adam's apple, you were about to get your freak on.
And then, I spotted a mole on your ass.
Doctor said I saved your life that day.
That was more than five words.
[JAUNTY SYNTH MUSIC.]
I'm so overwhelmed.
I mean, we don't even have a honeymoon spot.
I mean, Tahiti, Belize, Fiji they're all so plain.
Well, I've only been on a plane twice, so they all sound exciting.
I want someplace that is so exotic and so special that none of my friends have been there, like a country that's just been overthrown.
You know, a good coup is like fresh powder for jet-setters.
Okay.
What do we think? I thought we agreed on the pink shirt.
No, no, no.
Pink's too feminine.
But pink's your favorite color.
Well, favorite colors can change.
From now on, mine's gunmetal gray, or camo.
Blair, you're not wearing a camouflage shirt to our engagement party, okay? Page Six is covering this thing.
All the most influential and judgmental socialites will be there, okay? Like, mm, oh, I don't know Terry Jo Maxx, heiress to the TJ Maxx fortune, Condoleeza Nast, Madison Square, and my best-friend-slash-bitter-rival, Tosh B'Gosh.
Oh, my gosh, Tosh Osh Kosh B'Gosh is coming? [TIFF.]
Yes, but remember, don't bring up overalls.
She doesn't have the shoulders.
Blair, this is our official coming out to Manhattan society.
Don't you want to come out? Sure.
B-babe, maybe did you double up on your Fen-Phen? 'Cause this wedding diet's kind of got you at a ten-ten.
Haven't eaten in four days, but you know what? I'm gonna make an exception for tonight, because Chef Jean-Georges is debuting something called a lava cake, and oh, mama, I'm gonna force myself on that fucking cake.
That's a scary way to phrase that.
You know what? I never should've agreed to let Mo throw this thing, 'cause I'm feeling really out of control.
I'm going.
Going over the edge.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm going, yeah.
- Mommy.
Mommy.
- Going.
- Going.
I'm gone.
- Shh, shh.
It's the groom's family's responsibility to host the engagement party, and because my mama is couch-bound and my dad Died of a heart attack while beating you.
We know.
Sorry.
It's okay.
You know what? I-I just need to call Mo and go over the details one more time.
- [LAUGHS.]
No.
- One more time.
It's 6:00 a.
m.
Thought: what if we postpone the party - because - You're-a-gay.
- What? - You're-a-gay.
It's so obvious.
Uh [LAUGHING.]
That's, uh, it's not obvious to me.
The country had a revolution four months ago.
This is the perfect sweet spot between beaches that are overcrowded with tourists and corpses.
It's pronounced "yur-u-guai.
" Although they probably don't speak English, and I really don't want to, like, work on my honeymoon.
Although tell me this doesn't look delish.
[DEEPLY.]
I'm gonna stick with the white shirt, babe.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLING.]
- Hey, babe.
- Hey! Oh! - What you doing? - Well, you know me.
Just stashing condoms around the house for easy access.
How romantic.
Hey, listen.
Speaking of using condoms, what do you say we stop using condoms? Babe, I want to, you know that, but I just my horoscope said to lay low, and don't kids feel like '90s us? I mean, not to mention the fact that I just bought a ton of Trojan stock, so I'd kind of be working against myself.
Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down that wall.
- Ronald Reagan? - I get it.
My vagina is East Berlin.
Impossible to come into.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
You know what? It's fine.
Condoms it is.
[SIGHS.]
Babe, listen, no, no.
I hear you.
I'm sorry I get all weird with this stuff.
[INHALES.]
Okay, I'm in.
Fire at will, Captain.
I am an officer and a gentleman.
Mm Okay, okay.
All right, but as long as we're talking in movie titles Red Dawn.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Copy that.
Okay.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[SPENCER.]
But I'm so ready.
I'm gonna call my mom.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[MO.]
All right, Booger Sugarhill Gang, let's jump on it! Okay.
I have been looking over your accounts, and you motherfuckers have been making money! [MO.]
Shit is good.
Shit is very good.
So I just wanted to say thank you.
And where's all the cheering and shit? All due respect, Momo, but normally, when you compliment us, it's just a setup to yell at us or knock shit out of our hands.
No, that's true, that's true.
That's fair, but this time, it is real.
This has been our best month ever! [CHEERING.]
There we go! That's more like it, and I gotta say, it is mostly due to our boy Blair here.
Blair, you been doing incredible work.
Stand up.
Take a bow.
Come on, Blair.
Stand up.
[BLAIR.]
Ah, I can't take all the credit.
This wouldn't have been possible without the help of, uh, - one very special person.
- Aw She's become quite a mentor to me.
Hold on, I know I'm cute, but I'm still a he.
Dawn, the advice, the late nights I share this with you.
Share what? The fuck am I watching here? Okay, mazel, you two.
- Keep it up, kids.
- Wait, wait, wait.
That's it? That's the meeting? Oh, hey, Mo.
I happen to have information that Audi Whoa, whoa.
Inside information? Yeah, what am I, a fucking teacher? - [WOMAN.]
Ha! That's good.
- Forget about him.
[BLAIR.]
I talked to some of my bros at Wharton.
Audi's about to do a major recall, even bigger than their last one, when the carpets Didn't match the drapes, am I right, Mo? What is this, open mic night? Shut the fuck up, Keith.
[BLAIR.]
When the carpets were pinning down the gas pedals.
Multiple fatalities.
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
If we short it, we could double our stack in a day.
Yes, let's do that immediately.
Okay.
This is what I'm talking about.
This kid's a fucking genius, - all right? - Come on.
Set this kid up with anything he needs, all right, Keith? Great job, son.
You were right.
Picking stocks is a lot easier when you already know what's gonna happen.
- Told you.
- [LAUGHS.]
Go fuck yourself.
All right, everybody.
Back to work.
Let's go.
- What's up, Mo? - Ah, nada mooch.
What's up with you? Oh.
Is that your dress for Blair's engagement party? - It's gorgeous.
- Yeah, it's a Mel Bruning.
She's a genius.
But I meant "What's up" as in, you know, what the fuck is up with you? I don't follow.
Okay, well you've just you've been, uh, nice.
- Oh.
- You know? And I expected you to be a huge prick ever since You lost a piece of my company to my most hated enemies? Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
But, uh you know, you said yourself, we've never done better, and wouldn't you rather the Leighmans own a piece of us instead of a gang of killers? I completely agree.
What a cogent argument.
Look, Dawn, I'm not trying to be nice.
I'm just trying to be smart.
I let you and Blair fuck up my mojo, but it was a good reminder, 'cause now I'm gonna be using my little head instead of my big one.
Don't you mean your big head? Do I? The point is, Dawn, I don't care about the Leighmans, I don't care about Blair, definitely don't give a fuck about you anymore.
I'm just gonna stay focused, and all I care about is the Georgina play.
Fuck 'em all.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Yeah.
[KEITH.]
Hey, look who it is.
The golden butt boy.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I'm just trying to do my job, okay? Speaking of, I need those Audi puts before you go.
Oh, yeah, about that.
Um suck my dick.
Oh, and that's a figure of speech, not an invitation.
You wish.
You wish.
- You wish.
- You wish.
You wish.
[SCOFFS.]
You wish.
I don't know what you think you think about me, but it's not true.
I have my engagement party tonight, to a woman, and I might be falling for another woman.
Talk about you wishing, but hey, I hope you're right, because trust me you don't want to be me.
Did you just chase Ex-Lax with ipecac? Bottoms up.
Oh, you should get used to hearing that, by the way.
Is that chili? Mm.
Mm.
Cleanup in aisle Blair.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
All right, who is ready for the Cape? [LAUGHS.]
Noah, I hope you brought your mitt, 'cause I'm bringing the heat like Orel Hershiser.
Bam down the middle! Rach, underwater tea parties all day long.
And Braddy, those townie girls are about to have a Hebrew National eating competition, am I right? - [SHIRA.]
Keithy! No.
- [KEITH LAUGHS.]
No.
Not appropriate.
But you know what? Daddy is right.
This is a very big summer for your schmeckle.
You're a man now.
Gonna make Mama proud? I am so excited for a Shanker family road trip.
In just six short hours, we'll be making s'mores and memories.
All right.
99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 [RETCHES.]
[SCREAMS.]
[RETCHES.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, Keith, are you okay? Think so.
I'm sorry, kids.
That was weird.
Good thing I got a change of clothes right here.
- [RETCHES.]
- [SHIRA.]
Ohh - [GIRL.]
Mommy! - [NOAH.]
Oh, gross! You know what? I'm thinking maybe you should stay home.
No, no, I'm feeling better.
Think I got it all out of my system [FLATULENCE.]
Oh I did it, Mike.
Shira and the kids are gone.
Yeah, it wasn't easy, but, uh, that's why you lease.
I told you, nothing would stop me from seeing your Broadway debut as Rusty.
I mean, understudy? More like over-study, because you're so [LOUD VOMITING.]
[GASPS, SNIFFLES.]
Prepared.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLATTERS.]
Where the fuck have you been? It I I'm sorry.
Is that a milkshake? Yeah, I had to spread out my purchases.
Can't just go in a store.
"Excuse me.
Can I have some shovels, an axe, and a gallon of hydrochloric acid? Better yet, do you have a dead guy cleanup kit? 'Cause my friend's a budding serial killer.
" And yes, there happened to be a DQ near one of the stores, so I got myself an Oreo-Speedwagon.
Sue me.
I'm a serial killer? You're drinking a Blizzard next to a fucking dead person.
- I didn't kill anybody! - Neither did I! Why can't we remember anything? Fuck, man, I don't know, all right? We were watching WKRP - Yeah.
- And then we got that pizza.
Then we ordered all that PCP [BOTH.]
Oh.
We did PCP all night.
We should've known.
Every time we're about to go too far, we say "Let's not order PCP," - and then what do we do? - Order PCP.
- We order PCP! - God damn it! [YASSIR.]
Okay, this is gonna be all right.
Who's gonna miss one guy? [WAYNE.]
Yeah, there's, like, a billion people in the world.
It's gonna be fine.
- Motherfuck me! - Oh, come on, y'all! - [SIREN WHOOPS.]
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
[MAN.]
Freeze! This is the police! Hands in the air! [BODY THUDS.]
You are very thoughtful, my friend.
Much appreciated.
- Okay, okay.
- Hey.
Hey, hey! Everybody knows that a champagne tower has to be at least six stories tall.
And you have got to be kidding me if you think you're gonna put that chafing dish center stage, where the lava cake is supposed to live.
Swap that shit out.
Bride-to-be is very particular.
I'm sorry, Mo.
I know Tiff can be a little Great.
She can be great.
That's what she is.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Right? I love anybody who knows exactly what they want.
- Don't you? - Oh, totally.
- All right.
- [SLURPING.]
Are you okay, Blair? I mean, you didn't even dump any fruit punch in that vodka.
Yeah, no, I'm yeah, no, I'm good.
Yeah, I'm just a little overwhelmed and confused.
Conwhelmed.
Overfused.
[LAUGHS.]
There's not really a sniglet for it.
Motherfucker, what did you just say? Sniglet.
It's when you take two words and combine them to make one hilarious word, like, uh, "snack-mosphere.
" It's the pocket of air inside of a chip bag.
Oh, okay, that is hilarious.
- [LAUGHS.]
- At first, I thought you said something that made me want to stab you.
- Oh, God, no, never.
- Okay.
If there's one thing that I know from the hundreds of calls and faxes and Post-Its that I got from Tiff, it's that she's passionate.
Okay? She loves hard, and she loves you.
Oh, she's something.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SLURPING.]
Um, speaking of sniglets, Tiff's parents can be ooh, uh what's the best way to say this? - Horribly racist? - Oh, circle gets the square.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Oh, and that reminds me.
when I was shredding, I came across some Georgina documents.
Would you have any idea why The the I've got to get the DJ to play some The The.
[LAUGHING.]
I love those guys.
[MO.]
Ah, Georgina documents.
Yeah, um, I think that maybe we purchased some Georgina shares back in the day to, you know, offset our capital gains.
Aha! Ask the DJ if he has any A-ha, 'cause I like those guys, too.
I'm on it.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Blair? You might want to slow down a little bit.
- Take it easy.
- Take it easy, Mo.
Where's my waiter friend? - Thank you for coming with me.
- Ha, well, you owe me.
I know, but baby, for the last time, Mo is, and has always been, just my boss, okay? Okay.
- Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay, I guess.
[JACKIE.]
Honey, you didn't tell me you hired a band.
[JACKIE.]
How fun! Hey, you know any Weird Al Yankovic? - Oh, Eat It.
Yeah, big fan.
- No, we're not a band.
[TIFF.]
No, this is Dawn.
Dawn works with Blair.
Oh, hey, nice to meet you, Don.
Actually, I'm Dawn.
Oh, you're Dawn? Mo won't shut up about you.
You really messed him up, girl.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You are thinking of another Dawn.
- [SPENCER.]
Sure.
- [DAWN.]
Another Don, who is a man.
[SUKI.]
Really? Then why did Mo buy me this dress? - This is my husband, Spencer.
- Mm-hmm.
You're black? Huh.
Mo always calls you "white boy.
" - Really? - I'm Suki, Mo's date for the night.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- Ladies.
After you, Henri.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Hey.
Hi.
- [KEITH.]
How you doing? - Uh, yes.
Right, let's cross.
- Hey.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Your voice is amazing, all right? I mean, seriously, you're a triple threat.
You can sing and you can dance and you don't fall down.
Come on, let's go back to my house and celebrate.
I think it's aired out by now, so Great, great, but actually, everyone's going to my place, so let's do that first, and then we can go sleep at your place after.
Or we skip your place and just come back to my place and, uh, have some gay sex.
[QUIETLY.]
Okay, so we've been over this.
You can just call it sex.
Now come on.
I want to show my friends my little Keither Sutherland.
I know, but what if someone I know sees me? Well, if they're at my party, they're probably a friend of Dorothy's, so - Now come on.
- No, I can't, I can't.
Okay? Just come with me.
Come back to my - No.
Keith - What? This is a really big night for me, and I want to celebrate it with my friends, my cast-mates, and my boyfriend.
But if you can't do that, why don't you just go out with your Wall Street buddies? Except for the tiny hiccup when Mo's date guessed my dad's name, this is going well.
I gotta hand it to me.
I really pulled this out of Mo's ass.
I love you too, babe.
Oh, don't look now, but Mo and my parents are actually getting along.
[MO.]
And that's how the band got the name The Downbeats.
[LAUGHTER.]
You're a regular Red Buttons.
More like a Redd Foxx! More like a Black Panther! [LAUGHTER.]
[MO.]
Hey, by the way, what the fuck is up with the guy behind us? I mean, you think I'm gonna boost my own silverware, you big bigots? - [JACKIE.]
Oh, what? No.
- [HENRI.]
What? No.
Just between us, uh we've had some threats, uh, with Tiffany.
[HENRI.]
Uh, ever since Calvin Klein's daughter was kidnapped.
Well, that makes sense, because both of your families have such great genes.
[LAUGHS.]
[HENRI.]
He's good! Yeah, it's actually quite serious.
Mm-hmm.
What's up, ho? Cute party.
[GASPS.]
Hey, hos! Blair, you remember Tosh B'Gosh, Bunny Bartles, Kayla James.
Thank you for your support.
Bartles & James? That's your slogan, right? Yeah, we get that a lot.
So champ's over there.
I won't even tell you the year.
'77, oops.
Over here, we've got surf 'n' turf 'n' earth 'n' birth lobster, filet, truffles, caviar.
And for dessert, Chef Jean-Georges has whipped up a culinary miracle: solid outside, liquid inside lava cake.
But it's fat-free, right? 'Cause I'm on the grapefruit diet.
- Cabbage soup.
- Lean Cuisine and purge.
Does this place have a microwave and toilet? Speaking of, Tiff, it's so great that you didn't do the whole extreme wedding diet thing.
You look so healthy.
Shut up, ho.
You shut up, ho! Why don't you shut your faces, you fucking whores? Come on, girls.
I've got the one sugar we all still love booger.
[TOSH.]
What's with the hotel room? Is it like an after-party theme? [TIFF.]
No, Blair's dad's dead and his mom's fat, so it's a whole thing.
[CULTURE CLUB'S "KARMA CHAMELEON" PLAYING.]
Is it loving in your eyes All the way If I listen to your lies Would you say I'm a man without conviction I'm a man Who doesn't know How to sell A contradiction You come and go You come and go Karma, karma, karma, karma Karma chameleon [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Look, do you just want to go? Why? So you can lie to me in the cab about how I didn't definitely hear what I just heard? [SIGHS.]
Fine, Mo and I dated, okay? But for a very short time a very long time ago.
I wanted to tell you, but I I I I couldn't, because I knew you would make me choose between you and my work, and I shouldn't have to make that choice.
Well, now you do.
You can have me or you can have him.
- Spence, how - [MO.]
Hey, hey.
Ha ha! Look at the two of you.
Like mind meld, right? Oh, my goodness, indeed.
- Uh, Sucky, right? - It's Suki.
- Oh, is it? - [MO.]
Come on.
Every guy in here's wearing damn near the same thing.
I mean, you don't see us being all upset about it, right, Spence? Yeah, don't be upset.
Just be happy that Mo bought us both these dresses.
Mo didn't buy this dress or me.
Okay [SIGHS.]
[BLAIR, DRUNKENLY.]
Amazing Blair How drunk I [DAWN.]
Hello? [LAUGHS.]
Hey, pretty lady.
Ah, hey.
Rough night? Oof.
Yeah.
You? Mm.
I've been lying to Spencer.
I've been lying to myself.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Take it easy, Spencer.
Don't tell me to take it easy.
I know you steal for a living, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna let you steal my girl, motherfucker! Spence, maybe could we do this outside? I would love to do this outside.
[MO.]
Spence, this party is about Tiff and Blair, - [MO.]
not Dawn and me.
- Blair? Blair? Here, boy! [WHISTLES.]
Oh, my God.
Blair! Just tell me what to do.
You're so smart and so together, and I trust you more than I trust myself right now.
Mm, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time.
And the dumbest.
Blair, I don't have shit together, but if you're asking me if you should marry Tiff [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- [TIFF.]
Blair! - Oh, boy.
- Okay, shush, shush, shush.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Whoa! Who's this lady? [TIFF.]
You asshole.
While you've been in here, getting shitfaced, our reputation's out there, getting butt-fucked in front of a live studio audience.
- Get up.
- Okay.
- Get up! - Okay, okay.
- [WHACK.]
- Oh! Okay, look.
I'm s I'm bad at parties.
No, you're bad at me! Okay, all you had to do was show up and smile, and you couldn't even do that.
After everything I have put up with shitty apartments, the lonely nights I tried everything to make this work, because I love you.
You're the only one who even liked me in spite of my name, not because of it, okay? And now I don't even know if you like me at all anymore.
Do you even want to get married? Huh? [SIGHS.]
Uh Oh, come on, Tiffany! [MO.]
Listen, Spencer, I don't want your girl, okay? In fact, I don't ever want to see her again, which is why after we wrap up these last few deals we got, I'm gonna ship her off to the Leighman Brothers' satellite office in Connecticut.
- Bullshit.
- It's true.
She'll never go for that.
She'll quit.
Exactly.
You want her home.
I want her gone.
Win-win.
[BLAIR.]
Tiff, Tiff, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, please, just talk to me, baby, come on.
- [BLAIR.]
Where're you going? - [MO.]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- [TIFF.]
No.
- Kids, kids, Tiff Tiff W-d-wha-hey! Live from New York, it is Friday night, with your musical guest, DJ Brian you have a terrible fucking name and your host, me.
[LAUGHS.]
But I wanted to say, uh, thank you all for coming.
It's a it's a wonderful occasion.
[MO.]
Tiff there, Blair here, right? It's great? Um Blair wants to say a few words.
- No, no.
- Yes, to his soulmate.
[MO.]
To his little love-bunny, Tiff.
So go ahead and take it away.
[BLAIR.]
Uh, thank you, Mo.
I guess I should take a minute to say how I feel.
Oh, yeah.
Let's do that.
The truth is [MOURNFUL SYNTH MUSIC.]
The truth is The truth is Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help! - [COMMOTION.]
- [HENRI.]
Get Tiffany.
- [WOMAN SCREAMS.]
- [YASSIR.]
I'm sorry, sorry - [BOTH.]
Ughh! - [CROWD.]
Ohh! What's happening? What's happening? No! We didn't know where else to go.
We did a bad thing.
I think it's time to break out those Mayor Koch photos in your safe! Everyone on the ground now! [ALL SCREAM.]
I'm okay, everybody! - [EVERYBODY SCREAMS.]
- [TIFF.]
Oh! [GASPS.]
It's warm! It's lukewarm! Oh, shit.
E-e-everybody just calm down.
Calm down.
- Whoa! - You'll never take me alive! - [CLICK.]
- [ALL SCREAM.]
- [CLICK.]
- [ALL GASP.]
[GUN CLICKING.]
- [MO LAUGHS.]
- What the fuck? [LAUGHS.]
Got you! Yeah, yeah! Oh, my God, that got dark, right? You just got pranked, asshole.
The cops have been following us for miles.
Those aren't cops.
They're fucking actors.
Brendan books a pilot every year.
- [MO.]
Great job, guys.
- [MOUTHING.]
Thank you.
What about the dead bodies? Those are cadavers.
I rented them from the morgue.
Mo, this is so fucking nasty! - [LAUGHS.]
- [YASSIR.]
God, you got us.
[MO.]
Look, no, what's fucking nasty is your tried to run the LaGuardia Spread with my money, that you gave him.
Payback's a bitch, and I'm the son of one.
Classic Mo.
[BLAIR.]
Tiff, are you all right? I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- [SOBS.]
[TEARFULLY.]
I'm going home.
- [BLAIR.]
Come on, I-I'm sorry.
- [SPENCER.]
We are too.
Come on, Dawn.
We're leaving.
I'm gonna meet you at the house, okay? No.
What? No, we are leaving.
- Let's go.
- No, babe Hey, Spencer, don't grab her.
Mind your fucking business.
Girl, let's go.
Let's go.
- I said let's go! - Ouch! - Stop playing with me what? - Hey! Mo! Damn it.
Mo! - Hey, hey, I fights dirty! - Spencer, stop! - I fight dirty.
- No.
You're so lucky I work with my hands.
So this is it? You're gonna stay here with him? He's gonna move you to Leighman's office in Connecticut so you'll quit.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Yep.
You two deserve each other.
I'll see you again, sucker punch.
[SIGHS.]
Is that true, Mo? Um, which part? Let's dance - [MURMURS.]
- Put on your red shoes And dance the blues Oh, my God.
- Keith? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Wow.
- [KEITH.]
You like? - Wow.
- I didn't know what to wear.
Yeah, I can tell.
Yeah, you're a winter, not a spring, - but you look cute.
- You like it? Oh, my God, did you pierce your ear - with your tie pin? - Yeah, a lot of blood, and then even more blood when I realized I pierced - the wrong one first.
- You pierced the wrong one.
- It's a lot of rules.
- Yeah.
Fuck it.
Let's dance.
If you say run I'll run with you And if you say hide We'll hide - Fun party.
- Mm.
Happy wife, happy life.
[MUTTERS.]
Party's over, Scarface! No! No, no, no! Wait! What's happening? Why are you doing this? Tremble like a flower [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[BLAIR.]
Hey.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Did you just see the Dawn, I'm really confused right now.
Let's dance Ooh, bad news, Shi-shi.
Yeah, Doc says I gotta be on bed rest.
I know, and I so wanted to be there with you and the kids, and you know how much I love your parents, but, uh [INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS.]
I just gotta stay here.
What? Music? Uh Yeah, it's fucking Friday.
In the yard, there's ghetto-blasters everywhere.
Look, babe, I gotta go.
I'm I'm feeling sick.
[IMITATES RETCHING.]
[LAUGHS.]
A little white lie never hurt anybody.
[LAUGHS.]
What other lies have you told, Keith? Who the fuck are you? - I'm Agent Missy Mills.
- Deb Fox.
[MISSY.]
We're with the SEC.
That's Securities and Exchange Commission.
[DEB.]
You've been a bad boy, haven't you, Keith? We'll be in touch.
Don't leave town.
Into my arms And tremble like a flower Let's dance Put on your red shoes And dance the blues Let's dance Under the moonlight The serious moonlight
[SINGERS HARMONIZING.]
It's Showtime tonight [DAWN.]
Previously on Black Monday Shit.
We got the money.
Wayne was pulling the LaGuardia Spread with the dough.
[MO.]
When was the last time you had a good time - with that white boy? - Wait, you and Mo? [MO.]
The Leighmans would never make a deal that didn't fuck me over.
[LENNY.]
We went and acquired 30% of the Jammer Group.
- Dawn let it slip.
- [BLAIR.]
We all have to work late tonight to do compliance.
[TIFF.]
You mean a document shred? - [BLAIR.]
How'd you know that? - [TIFF.]
Duh! My family's loaded.
You're gay.
I know you're gay.
That's fuckin' rich coming from you.
What? [SNORING.]
[COUGHS.]
[COUGHING.]
[WHIMPERS.]
Wha Aah Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Wayne, my God, man, who cares what You shit on the floor again? Oh, my God, that's a dead body! - What the fuck did you do? - I didn't do anything! You're holding a fucking gun! - Aah! - [GUN CLATTERS.]
Please, you gotta help me.
Okay, yeah! Yeah, you know what? Uh, you go.
I'll I'll take the fall.
Go.
- Really? - Fuck no, you idiot! We gotta call the cops! You gotta call the cops.
I'm getting the fuck out of here! Bro, five words.
Spring break, 1981, Cabo San Puke-as.
You brought home a girl with an Adam's apple, you were about to get your freak on.
And then, I spotted a mole on your ass.
Doctor said I saved your life that day.
That was more than five words.
[JAUNTY SYNTH MUSIC.]
I'm so overwhelmed.
I mean, we don't even have a honeymoon spot.
I mean, Tahiti, Belize, Fiji they're all so plain.
Well, I've only been on a plane twice, so they all sound exciting.
I want someplace that is so exotic and so special that none of my friends have been there, like a country that's just been overthrown.
You know, a good coup is like fresh powder for jet-setters.
Okay.
What do we think? I thought we agreed on the pink shirt.
No, no, no.
Pink's too feminine.
But pink's your favorite color.
Well, favorite colors can change.
From now on, mine's gunmetal gray, or camo.
Blair, you're not wearing a camouflage shirt to our engagement party, okay? Page Six is covering this thing.
All the most influential and judgmental socialites will be there, okay? Like, mm, oh, I don't know Terry Jo Maxx, heiress to the TJ Maxx fortune, Condoleeza Nast, Madison Square, and my best-friend-slash-bitter-rival, Tosh B'Gosh.
Oh, my gosh, Tosh Osh Kosh B'Gosh is coming? [TIFF.]
Yes, but remember, don't bring up overalls.
She doesn't have the shoulders.
Blair, this is our official coming out to Manhattan society.
Don't you want to come out? Sure.
B-babe, maybe did you double up on your Fen-Phen? 'Cause this wedding diet's kind of got you at a ten-ten.
Haven't eaten in four days, but you know what? I'm gonna make an exception for tonight, because Chef Jean-Georges is debuting something called a lava cake, and oh, mama, I'm gonna force myself on that fucking cake.
That's a scary way to phrase that.
You know what? I never should've agreed to let Mo throw this thing, 'cause I'm feeling really out of control.
I'm going.
Going over the edge.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I'm going, yeah.
- Mommy.
Mommy.
- Going.
- Going.
I'm gone.
- Shh, shh.
It's the groom's family's responsibility to host the engagement party, and because my mama is couch-bound and my dad Died of a heart attack while beating you.
We know.
Sorry.
It's okay.
You know what? I-I just need to call Mo and go over the details one more time.
- [LAUGHS.]
No.
- One more time.
It's 6:00 a.
m.
Thought: what if we postpone the party - because - You're-a-gay.
- What? - You're-a-gay.
It's so obvious.
Uh [LAUGHING.]
That's, uh, it's not obvious to me.
The country had a revolution four months ago.
This is the perfect sweet spot between beaches that are overcrowded with tourists and corpses.
It's pronounced "yur-u-guai.
" Although they probably don't speak English, and I really don't want to, like, work on my honeymoon.
Although tell me this doesn't look delish.
[DEEPLY.]
I'm gonna stick with the white shirt, babe.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[CHUCKLING.]
- Hey, babe.
- Hey! Oh! - What you doing? - Well, you know me.
Just stashing condoms around the house for easy access.
How romantic.
Hey, listen.
Speaking of using condoms, what do you say we stop using condoms? Babe, I want to, you know that, but I just my horoscope said to lay low, and don't kids feel like '90s us? I mean, not to mention the fact that I just bought a ton of Trojan stock, so I'd kind of be working against myself.
Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down that wall.
- Ronald Reagan? - I get it.
My vagina is East Berlin.
Impossible to come into.
Yeah, no, I'm sorry.
You know what? It's fine.
Condoms it is.
[SIGHS.]
Babe, listen, no, no.
I hear you.
I'm sorry I get all weird with this stuff.
[INHALES.]
Okay, I'm in.
Fire at will, Captain.
I am an officer and a gentleman.
Mm Okay, okay.
All right, but as long as we're talking in movie titles Red Dawn.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Copy that.
Okay.
- Yeah.
[LAUGHS.]
[SPENCER.]
But I'm so ready.
I'm gonna call my mom.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[SIGHS.]
[MO.]
All right, Booger Sugarhill Gang, let's jump on it! Okay.
I have been looking over your accounts, and you motherfuckers have been making money! [MO.]
Shit is good.
Shit is very good.
So I just wanted to say thank you.
And where's all the cheering and shit? All due respect, Momo, but normally, when you compliment us, it's just a setup to yell at us or knock shit out of our hands.
No, that's true, that's true.
That's fair, but this time, it is real.
This has been our best month ever! [CHEERING.]
There we go! That's more like it, and I gotta say, it is mostly due to our boy Blair here.
Blair, you been doing incredible work.
Stand up.
Take a bow.
Come on, Blair.
Stand up.
[BLAIR.]
Ah, I can't take all the credit.
This wouldn't have been possible without the help of, uh, - one very special person.
- Aw She's become quite a mentor to me.
Hold on, I know I'm cute, but I'm still a he.
Dawn, the advice, the late nights I share this with you.
Share what? The fuck am I watching here? Okay, mazel, you two.
- Keep it up, kids.
- Wait, wait, wait.
That's it? That's the meeting? Oh, hey, Mo.
I happen to have information that Audi Whoa, whoa.
Inside information? Yeah, what am I, a fucking teacher? - [WOMAN.]
Ha! That's good.
- Forget about him.
[BLAIR.]
I talked to some of my bros at Wharton.
Audi's about to do a major recall, even bigger than their last one, when the carpets Didn't match the drapes, am I right, Mo? What is this, open mic night? Shut the fuck up, Keith.
[BLAIR.]
When the carpets were pinning down the gas pedals.
Multiple fatalities.
- Oh.
- Yeah, yeah.
If we short it, we could double our stack in a day.
Yes, let's do that immediately.
Okay.
This is what I'm talking about.
This kid's a fucking genius, - all right? - Come on.
Set this kid up with anything he needs, all right, Keith? Great job, son.
You were right.
Picking stocks is a lot easier when you already know what's gonna happen.
- Told you.
- [LAUGHS.]
Go fuck yourself.
All right, everybody.
Back to work.
Let's go.
- What's up, Mo? - Ah, nada mooch.
What's up with you? Oh.
Is that your dress for Blair's engagement party? - It's gorgeous.
- Yeah, it's a Mel Bruning.
She's a genius.
But I meant "What's up" as in, you know, what the fuck is up with you? I don't follow.
Okay, well you've just you've been, uh, nice.
- Oh.
- You know? And I expected you to be a huge prick ever since You lost a piece of my company to my most hated enemies? Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
But, uh you know, you said yourself, we've never done better, and wouldn't you rather the Leighmans own a piece of us instead of a gang of killers? I completely agree.
What a cogent argument.
Look, Dawn, I'm not trying to be nice.
I'm just trying to be smart.
I let you and Blair fuck up my mojo, but it was a good reminder, 'cause now I'm gonna be using my little head instead of my big one.
Don't you mean your big head? Do I? The point is, Dawn, I don't care about the Leighmans, I don't care about Blair, definitely don't give a fuck about you anymore.
I'm just gonna stay focused, and all I care about is the Georgina play.
Fuck 'em all.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Yeah.
[KEITH.]
Hey, look who it is.
The golden butt boy.
[SIGHS.]
Look, I'm just trying to do my job, okay? Speaking of, I need those Audi puts before you go.
Oh, yeah, about that.
Um suck my dick.
Oh, and that's a figure of speech, not an invitation.
You wish.
You wish.
- You wish.
- You wish.
You wish.
[SCOFFS.]
You wish.
I don't know what you think you think about me, but it's not true.
I have my engagement party tonight, to a woman, and I might be falling for another woman.
Talk about you wishing, but hey, I hope you're right, because trust me you don't want to be me.
Did you just chase Ex-Lax with ipecac? Bottoms up.
Oh, you should get used to hearing that, by the way.
Is that chili? Mm.
Mm.
Cleanup in aisle Blair.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
All right, who is ready for the Cape? [LAUGHS.]
Noah, I hope you brought your mitt, 'cause I'm bringing the heat like Orel Hershiser.
Bam down the middle! Rach, underwater tea parties all day long.
And Braddy, those townie girls are about to have a Hebrew National eating competition, am I right? - [SHIRA.]
Keithy! No.
- [KEITH LAUGHS.]
No.
Not appropriate.
But you know what? Daddy is right.
This is a very big summer for your schmeckle.
You're a man now.
Gonna make Mama proud? I am so excited for a Shanker family road trip.
In just six short hours, we'll be making s'mores and memories.
All right.
99 bottles of beer on the wall 99 [RETCHES.]
[SCREAMS.]
[RETCHES.]
Oh, my God.
Oh, Keith, are you okay? Think so.
I'm sorry, kids.
That was weird.
Good thing I got a change of clothes right here.
- [RETCHES.]
- [SHIRA.]
Ohh - [GIRL.]
Mommy! - [NOAH.]
Oh, gross! You know what? I'm thinking maybe you should stay home.
No, no, I'm feeling better.
Think I got it all out of my system [FLATULENCE.]
Oh I did it, Mike.
Shira and the kids are gone.
Yeah, it wasn't easy, but, uh, that's why you lease.
I told you, nothing would stop me from seeing your Broadway debut as Rusty.
I mean, understudy? More like over-study, because you're so [LOUD VOMITING.]
[GASPS, SNIFFLES.]
Prepared.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[DOOR CLATTERS.]
Where the fuck have you been? It I I'm sorry.
Is that a milkshake? Yeah, I had to spread out my purchases.
Can't just go in a store.
"Excuse me.
Can I have some shovels, an axe, and a gallon of hydrochloric acid? Better yet, do you have a dead guy cleanup kit? 'Cause my friend's a budding serial killer.
" And yes, there happened to be a DQ near one of the stores, so I got myself an Oreo-Speedwagon.
Sue me.
I'm a serial killer? You're drinking a Blizzard next to a fucking dead person.
- I didn't kill anybody! - Neither did I! Why can't we remember anything? Fuck, man, I don't know, all right? We were watching WKRP - Yeah.
- And then we got that pizza.
Then we ordered all that PCP [BOTH.]
Oh.
We did PCP all night.
We should've known.
Every time we're about to go too far, we say "Let's not order PCP," - and then what do we do? - Order PCP.
- We order PCP! - God damn it! [YASSIR.]
Okay, this is gonna be all right.
Who's gonna miss one guy? [WAYNE.]
Yeah, there's, like, a billion people in the world.
It's gonna be fine.
- Motherfuck me! - Oh, come on, y'all! - [SIREN WHOOPS.]
- [BRAKES SCREECH.]
[MAN.]
Freeze! This is the police! Hands in the air! [BODY THUDS.]
You are very thoughtful, my friend.
Much appreciated.
- Okay, okay.
- Hey.
Hey, hey! Everybody knows that a champagne tower has to be at least six stories tall.
And you have got to be kidding me if you think you're gonna put that chafing dish center stage, where the lava cake is supposed to live.
Swap that shit out.
Bride-to-be is very particular.
I'm sorry, Mo.
I know Tiff can be a little Great.
She can be great.
That's what she is.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Right? I love anybody who knows exactly what they want.
- Don't you? - Oh, totally.
- All right.
- [SLURPING.]
Are you okay, Blair? I mean, you didn't even dump any fruit punch in that vodka.
Yeah, no, I'm yeah, no, I'm good.
Yeah, I'm just a little overwhelmed and confused.
Conwhelmed.
Overfused.
[LAUGHS.]
There's not really a sniglet for it.
Motherfucker, what did you just say? Sniglet.
It's when you take two words and combine them to make one hilarious word, like, uh, "snack-mosphere.
" It's the pocket of air inside of a chip bag.
Oh, okay, that is hilarious.
- [LAUGHS.]
- At first, I thought you said something that made me want to stab you.
- Oh, God, no, never.
- Okay.
If there's one thing that I know from the hundreds of calls and faxes and Post-Its that I got from Tiff, it's that she's passionate.
Okay? She loves hard, and she loves you.
Oh, she's something.
[CHUCKLES.]
[SLURPING.]
Um, speaking of sniglets, Tiff's parents can be ooh, uh what's the best way to say this? - Horribly racist? - Oh, circle gets the square.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
- Oh, and that reminds me.
when I was shredding, I came across some Georgina documents.
Would you have any idea why The the I've got to get the DJ to play some The The.
[LAUGHING.]
I love those guys.
[MO.]
Ah, Georgina documents.
Yeah, um, I think that maybe we purchased some Georgina shares back in the day to, you know, offset our capital gains.
Aha! Ask the DJ if he has any A-ha, 'cause I like those guys, too.
I'm on it.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, Blair? You might want to slow down a little bit.
- Take it easy.
- Take it easy, Mo.
Where's my waiter friend? - Thank you for coming with me.
- Ha, well, you owe me.
I know, but baby, for the last time, Mo is, and has always been, just my boss, okay? Okay.
- Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay, I guess.
[JACKIE.]
Honey, you didn't tell me you hired a band.
[JACKIE.]
How fun! Hey, you know any Weird Al Yankovic? - Oh, Eat It.
Yeah, big fan.
- No, we're not a band.
[TIFF.]
No, this is Dawn.
Dawn works with Blair.
Oh, hey, nice to meet you, Don.
Actually, I'm Dawn.
Oh, you're Dawn? Mo won't shut up about you.
You really messed him up, girl.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You are thinking of another Dawn.
- [SPENCER.]
Sure.
- [DAWN.]
Another Don, who is a man.
[SUKI.]
Really? Then why did Mo buy me this dress? - This is my husband, Spencer.
- Mm-hmm.
You're black? Huh.
Mo always calls you "white boy.
" - Really? - I'm Suki, Mo's date for the night.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
- Ladies.
After you, Henri.
[LOW SYNTH MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[LAUGHS.]
Hey.
Hi.
- [KEITH.]
How you doing? - Uh, yes.
Right, let's cross.
- Hey.
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY.]
Your voice is amazing, all right? I mean, seriously, you're a triple threat.
You can sing and you can dance and you don't fall down.
Come on, let's go back to my house and celebrate.
I think it's aired out by now, so Great, great, but actually, everyone's going to my place, so let's do that first, and then we can go sleep at your place after.
Or we skip your place and just come back to my place and, uh, have some gay sex.
[QUIETLY.]
Okay, so we've been over this.
You can just call it sex.
Now come on.
I want to show my friends my little Keither Sutherland.
I know, but what if someone I know sees me? Well, if they're at my party, they're probably a friend of Dorothy's, so - Now come on.
- No, I can't, I can't.
Okay? Just come with me.
Come back to my - No.
Keith - What? This is a really big night for me, and I want to celebrate it with my friends, my cast-mates, and my boyfriend.
But if you can't do that, why don't you just go out with your Wall Street buddies? Except for the tiny hiccup when Mo's date guessed my dad's name, this is going well.
I gotta hand it to me.
I really pulled this out of Mo's ass.
I love you too, babe.
Oh, don't look now, but Mo and my parents are actually getting along.
[MO.]
And that's how the band got the name The Downbeats.
[LAUGHTER.]
You're a regular Red Buttons.
More like a Redd Foxx! More like a Black Panther! [LAUGHTER.]
[MO.]
Hey, by the way, what the fuck is up with the guy behind us? I mean, you think I'm gonna boost my own silverware, you big bigots? - [JACKIE.]
Oh, what? No.
- [HENRI.]
What? No.
Just between us, uh we've had some threats, uh, with Tiffany.
[HENRI.]
Uh, ever since Calvin Klein's daughter was kidnapped.
Well, that makes sense, because both of your families have such great genes.
[LAUGHS.]
[HENRI.]
He's good! Yeah, it's actually quite serious.
Mm-hmm.
What's up, ho? Cute party.
[GASPS.]
Hey, hos! Blair, you remember Tosh B'Gosh, Bunny Bartles, Kayla James.
Thank you for your support.
Bartles & James? That's your slogan, right? Yeah, we get that a lot.
So champ's over there.
I won't even tell you the year.
'77, oops.
Over here, we've got surf 'n' turf 'n' earth 'n' birth lobster, filet, truffles, caviar.
And for dessert, Chef Jean-Georges has whipped up a culinary miracle: solid outside, liquid inside lava cake.
But it's fat-free, right? 'Cause I'm on the grapefruit diet.
- Cabbage soup.
- Lean Cuisine and purge.
Does this place have a microwave and toilet? Speaking of, Tiff, it's so great that you didn't do the whole extreme wedding diet thing.
You look so healthy.
Shut up, ho.
You shut up, ho! Why don't you shut your faces, you fucking whores? Come on, girls.
I've got the one sugar we all still love booger.
[TOSH.]
What's with the hotel room? Is it like an after-party theme? [TIFF.]
No, Blair's dad's dead and his mom's fat, so it's a whole thing.
[CULTURE CLUB'S "KARMA CHAMELEON" PLAYING.]
Is it loving in your eyes All the way If I listen to your lies Would you say I'm a man without conviction I'm a man Who doesn't know How to sell A contradiction You come and go You come and go Karma, karma, karma, karma Karma chameleon [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
Look, do you just want to go? Why? So you can lie to me in the cab about how I didn't definitely hear what I just heard? [SIGHS.]
Fine, Mo and I dated, okay? But for a very short time a very long time ago.
I wanted to tell you, but I I I I couldn't, because I knew you would make me choose between you and my work, and I shouldn't have to make that choice.
Well, now you do.
You can have me or you can have him.
- Spence, how - [MO.]
Hey, hey.
Ha ha! Look at the two of you.
Like mind meld, right? Oh, my goodness, indeed.
- Uh, Sucky, right? - It's Suki.
- Oh, is it? - [MO.]
Come on.
Every guy in here's wearing damn near the same thing.
I mean, you don't see us being all upset about it, right, Spence? Yeah, don't be upset.
Just be happy that Mo bought us both these dresses.
Mo didn't buy this dress or me.
Okay [SIGHS.]
[BLAIR, DRUNKENLY.]
Amazing Blair How drunk I [DAWN.]
Hello? [LAUGHS.]
Hey, pretty lady.
Ah, hey.
Rough night? Oof.
Yeah.
You? Mm.
I've been lying to Spencer.
I've been lying to myself.
[LAUGHS.]
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Take it easy, Spencer.
Don't tell me to take it easy.
I know you steal for a living, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna let you steal my girl, motherfucker! Spence, maybe could we do this outside? I would love to do this outside.
[MO.]
Spence, this party is about Tiff and Blair, - [MO.]
not Dawn and me.
- Blair? Blair? Here, boy! [WHISTLES.]
Oh, my God.
Blair! Just tell me what to do.
You're so smart and so together, and I trust you more than I trust myself right now.
Mm, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time.
And the dumbest.
Blair, I don't have shit together, but if you're asking me if you should marry Tiff [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- [TIFF.]
Blair! - Oh, boy.
- Okay, shush, shush, shush.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Whoa! Who's this lady? [TIFF.]
You asshole.
While you've been in here, getting shitfaced, our reputation's out there, getting butt-fucked in front of a live studio audience.
- Get up.
- Okay.
- Get up! - Okay, okay.
- [WHACK.]
- Oh! Okay, look.
I'm s I'm bad at parties.
No, you're bad at me! Okay, all you had to do was show up and smile, and you couldn't even do that.
After everything I have put up with shitty apartments, the lonely nights I tried everything to make this work, because I love you.
You're the only one who even liked me in spite of my name, not because of it, okay? And now I don't even know if you like me at all anymore.
Do you even want to get married? Huh? [SIGHS.]
Uh Oh, come on, Tiffany! [MO.]
Listen, Spencer, I don't want your girl, okay? In fact, I don't ever want to see her again, which is why after we wrap up these last few deals we got, I'm gonna ship her off to the Leighman Brothers' satellite office in Connecticut.
- Bullshit.
- It's true.
She'll never go for that.
She'll quit.
Exactly.
You want her home.
I want her gone.
Win-win.
[BLAIR.]
Tiff, Tiff, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, please, just talk to me, baby, come on.
- [BLAIR.]
Where're you going? - [MO.]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- [TIFF.]
No.
- Kids, kids, Tiff Tiff W-d-wha-hey! Live from New York, it is Friday night, with your musical guest, DJ Brian you have a terrible fucking name and your host, me.
[LAUGHS.]
But I wanted to say, uh, thank you all for coming.
It's a it's a wonderful occasion.
[MO.]
Tiff there, Blair here, right? It's great? Um Blair wants to say a few words.
- No, no.
- Yes, to his soulmate.
[MO.]
To his little love-bunny, Tiff.
So go ahead and take it away.
[BLAIR.]
Uh, thank you, Mo.
I guess I should take a minute to say how I feel.
Oh, yeah.
Let's do that.
The truth is [MOURNFUL SYNTH MUSIC.]
The truth is The truth is Help, help, help, help, help, help! Help! - [COMMOTION.]
- [HENRI.]
Get Tiffany.
- [WOMAN SCREAMS.]
- [YASSIR.]
I'm sorry, sorry - [BOTH.]
Ughh! - [CROWD.]
Ohh! What's happening? What's happening? No! We didn't know where else to go.
We did a bad thing.
I think it's time to break out those Mayor Koch photos in your safe! Everyone on the ground now! [ALL SCREAM.]
I'm okay, everybody! - [EVERYBODY SCREAMS.]
- [TIFF.]
Oh! [GASPS.]
It's warm! It's lukewarm! Oh, shit.
E-e-everybody just calm down.
Calm down.
- Whoa! - You'll never take me alive! - [CLICK.]
- [ALL SCREAM.]
- [CLICK.]
- [ALL GASP.]
[GUN CLICKING.]
- [MO LAUGHS.]
- What the fuck? [LAUGHS.]
Got you! Yeah, yeah! Oh, my God, that got dark, right? You just got pranked, asshole.
The cops have been following us for miles.
Those aren't cops.
They're fucking actors.
Brendan books a pilot every year.
- [MO.]
Great job, guys.
- [MOUTHING.]
Thank you.
What about the dead bodies? Those are cadavers.
I rented them from the morgue.
Mo, this is so fucking nasty! - [LAUGHS.]
- [YASSIR.]
God, you got us.
[MO.]
Look, no, what's fucking nasty is your tried to run the LaGuardia Spread with my money, that you gave him.
Payback's a bitch, and I'm the son of one.
Classic Mo.
[BLAIR.]
Tiff, are you all right? I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- [SOBS.]
[TEARFULLY.]
I'm going home.
- [BLAIR.]
Come on, I-I'm sorry.
- [SPENCER.]
We are too.
Come on, Dawn.
We're leaving.
I'm gonna meet you at the house, okay? No.
What? No, we are leaving.
- Let's go.
- No, babe Hey, Spencer, don't grab her.
Mind your fucking business.
Girl, let's go.
Let's go.
- I said let's go! - Ouch! - Stop playing with me what? - Hey! Mo! Damn it.
Mo! - Hey, hey, I fights dirty! - Spencer, stop! - I fight dirty.
- No.
You're so lucky I work with my hands.
So this is it? You're gonna stay here with him? He's gonna move you to Leighman's office in Connecticut so you'll quit.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC.]
Yep.
You two deserve each other.
I'll see you again, sucker punch.
[SIGHS.]
Is that true, Mo? Um, which part? Let's dance - [MURMURS.]
- Put on your red shoes And dance the blues Oh, my God.
- Keith? - [CHUCKLES.]
- Wow.
- [KEITH.]
You like? - Wow.
- I didn't know what to wear.
Yeah, I can tell.
Yeah, you're a winter, not a spring, - but you look cute.
- You like it? Oh, my God, did you pierce your ear - with your tie pin? - Yeah, a lot of blood, and then even more blood when I realized I pierced - the wrong one first.
- You pierced the wrong one.
- It's a lot of rules.
- Yeah.
Fuck it.
Let's dance.
If you say run I'll run with you And if you say hide We'll hide - Fun party.
- Mm.
Happy wife, happy life.
[MUTTERS.]
Party's over, Scarface! No! No, no, no! Wait! What's happening? Why are you doing this? Tremble like a flower [ELEVATOR DINGS.]
[BLAIR.]
Hey.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Did you just see the Dawn, I'm really confused right now.
Let's dance Ooh, bad news, Shi-shi.
Yeah, Doc says I gotta be on bed rest.
I know, and I so wanted to be there with you and the kids, and you know how much I love your parents, but, uh [INHALES SHARPLY, SIGHS.]
I just gotta stay here.
What? Music? Uh Yeah, it's fucking Friday.
In the yard, there's ghetto-blasters everywhere.
Look, babe, I gotta go.
I'm I'm feeling sick.
[IMITATES RETCHING.]
[LAUGHS.]
A little white lie never hurt anybody.
[LAUGHS.]
What other lies have you told, Keith? Who the fuck are you? - I'm Agent Missy Mills.
- Deb Fox.
[MISSY.]
We're with the SEC.
That's Securities and Exchange Commission.
[DEB.]
You've been a bad boy, haven't you, Keith? We'll be in touch.
Don't leave town.
Into my arms And tremble like a flower Let's dance Put on your red shoes And dance the blues Let's dance Under the moonlight The serious moonlight